Secretary

Syr and I watched Secretary together last night. It was my second time seeing the movie, and Syr's first. Afterwards, Syr advised me that I was to write about my experience of watching the movie.

Interestingly, my first viewing didn't yield nearly so powerful response as I experienced, this time, and I've been thinking about why that is.

I've been in M/s and D/s relationships before. Yet, Syr pointed out one very important fact: My prior D/s relationships - even the M/s one, were not about romantic love. It was more disconnected than that. Yes, I loved my former Master, yet it was not what I would call romantic love. He knew some things about me - but He never knew all of me... and we were never intimately connected in what I would call a truly romantic way.

Syr and my D/s involves an intense connection between us, one that has a foundation in friendship, mutual respect, as well as romantic love. And while I have had somewhat successful polyamorous relationships in the past, and have surely witnessed very in-depth, happy, healthy, and fulfilling polyamorous relationships in others - I find that, for me, there is a depth that monogomy goes that polyamoury can not. There is something about being truly owned, and knowing that only the two of us share such a connection, that allows it to run deeper, harder, more intense for me.

I should warn you all - my candid discussion of the movie will likely be filled with spoilers, so if you haven't watched it yet and don't want it spoiled, here's your warning!

In any case, I feel like I reacted to each and every scene in the movie in a powerful way. The introductory scene shows the female main character, Lee, walking gracefully through Edward Grey's office with a spreader bar across her shoulders, wrists cuffed into it as she performs several morning tasks including stapling a set of papers with her chin (that had been carefully arranged just so she should do so, collecting a document with her mouth and getting Mr. Grey's coffee with her other hand (pictured above). She walks with a confident, sexual, feminine stride down the long hallway to his office, and shuts the door with her high heeled foot after she enters.

It's provocative and elicits simple graceful service in ritual - the kind of service that screams sensuality and posession and the way she obviously thrives in it.

The movie regresses to show us where Lee was six months earlier, and it's here that I was surprised at how much of the movie I simply didn't remember.

Lee was raised in a dysfunctional household with an alcoholic father and an overprotective, overbearing mother. Her appearance screamed naive and lost and seeking direction and guidance. She wore drab colours, seemed shy and scared - and doe-eyed. Bingo! She's ME!

The movie begins showing her release from an inpatient psychiatric program and it's quickly revealed why - she's a self-abuser. I've self-abused, and my ex was a chronic self-abuser (cutting and friction burns primarily). But I must have completely blocked out that part of the movie. I was lucky in that I mostly 'experimented' with self-abuse when i was younger but only a handful of times and I never became emotionally/psychologically addicted to the behaviour. But my struggles with my ex and other close family members in this regard lent me to having a deep understanding of the types of mindsets that lead to that sort of behaviour and the types of therapy it provides the person doing it.

I found it interesting how, this time watching the movie, I seemed to identify with the main character more, and feel where she was in her journey, and remember what it was like for me at that stage - where I felt lost and confused and unsure of everything but also longing to FEEL, and to experience something real that was outside myself.

Lee is desperate for identity, for herself, and she takes a typing class and eventually decides to apply for a Secretary job.

Enter the office of Edward Grey.

Her employment with Mr. Grey starts out odd, but interesting. He's particular, something she learns right off. But interestingly - she is desperate to please him, even from the beginning. He picks up on this, and seemingly tests her in small ways.

The first time Mr. Grey exerts any blatant control over Lee, it is to tell her that she is never to harm herself again. Her reaction to this was incredibly interesting. She looked at him, and seemed surprised, but also - grateful. And she agreed, and it was obvious that she meant it. She also saw something in him - something that she respected, and having someone address the issue directly with her, and so clearly give her an answer to it: "You will stop. Period" (not a movie quote but the general idea) seemed to free her.

He becomes more and more particular, until finally he pulls out his red pen and begins proofreading her letters - and harshly admonishing her typing errors. She seems to thrive on this and the power dynamic between them seems to grow.

She blossoms under his control and is open to every experience, embracing it. Each bit of control he exerts over her, seems to only open her up even more. The first time that he spanks her, she has a strong reaction similar to how I recall reacting to my first spanking - although mine I negotiated ahead of time so the surprise element wasn't there. She was shocked, maybe even horrified, but surrendered to the experience and ultimately realizing that it was something she needed, and wanted. Under Mr. Grey's control, she becomes STRONGER, more confident, more self-aware, more self-posessed, more interested in sex and pleasure and more aware of herself as a desireable and worthwhile person.

At one point, she calls him as the table is being set for dinner in her family home and reports to him what is being served. He listens to her and then tells her what she is to eat: Creamed potatoes with lots of butter, four peas, and all the ice cream she wants.

Later that night, she masturbates over this bit of exerted control... and damned if I didn't know exactly how she felt!

I feel like Lee goes through so many of the same things many submissives go through. First being surprised, and pleasantly amazed at how stimulating this control and punishment is - to craving more and more of it... to resorting to bratting/pushing/etc to try to get it... to surrendering (and maybe occasionally bratting).

At one point, she does something really bratty - deliberately, because she is missing the dominant attention of Mr. Grey - who backed off due to his own issues (I think shame, concern he was crossing the line, etc). When he called her into his office to deal with the matter she was excited, even whispering "Finally!" before she went to him. She eagerly bends over his desk with her hands palm down waiting for her anticipated spanking. But Mr. Grey doesn't spank her, doesn't give her what SHE wanted. He has her lift her skirt, and lower her pantyhose and panties. He pleasures himself and cums on her, instead, sending her back out to do her job.

This scene really struck me, because it was an interesting scene. She did get some of what she needed (containment, a reminder that he was in control - not her). But she didn't get what she thought she wanted (a spanking, positive dominant attention). However, she left content and happy that she had been reigned in (or seemingly so, particularly since she masturbated in the bathroom after finding the wet spot on the back of her blosue and replaying the moments shared with him).

Near the end of the movie, when she declares her love for him, and proves it by following one simple command (to sit at his desk, feet on the floor and hands, palm down on the desk until his return) for three days, unfailingly, it is clear that there is more than simple S/M play on the line here. Rather a connection developed between them - one of respect and love and also Dominance and submission.

At one point in the movie, Lee expresses how the attentions of Mr. Grey make her feel simultaneously free and as if she is being 'held by him'. I find this particular quote quite stimulating and damned if I can find the exact quote online... grr. If I do, I shall post it in this entry later.

In any case - the emotion of that statement hits home. Surrending control to Syr, submitting and being owned by Her make me feel simultaneously stronger and more confident and also safe, held and... contained.

Following the movie, Syr put me to kneel on my fur next to the bed and She and I talked quite candidly. She was stirred by the movie, or more accurately, my reactions to it and many discussion points came up.

A few things that I would say were highlights (if you can call them that... *wry smile*) was the discussion of consistent discipline or punishment. No matter how unpleasant discipline/punishment can be, it's something I need to feel secure and contained in my submission. I admitted to Syr that if I had to give up almost all of our kink, one thing I would hold on to, would be punishment or discipline, because it is that - that provides me a boundary or a safe space to be and live and submit. The rest, can ebb and flow to some degree, but if one thing is maintained and consistent - it is that, that I need.

It is also the one thing that Syr admits to having struggled with. When you are a parent or even a pet-owner (of the four legged variety), you learn that if you are going to punish bad behaviour, it needs to happen right away - not next week - or the lesson is lost. And so, with our lack of privacy, Syr often feels that if She can't punish or discipline me right away (lack of privacy), that She can't or shouldn't later. We talked about this a lot, and I did admit that I read the blogs of other submissives, especially those who don't live with their Owner(s) or Top(s), who are punished at the convenience of their Owner. Some Dominants keep a log of transgressions and dole out punishments when the timing is appropriate to do so. Some keep it in their head. Some give out punishments or disciplines or physical 'reminders' when the submissive seems to 'need' it. There is a lot of room for finding what works, and so we talked about that for quite some time.

Syr also talked about finding ways to give me small tasks or exert Her control in smaller ways on a more ongoing basis. Finding the balance and realizing that there are ways to connect to each other in D/s ways that aren't blatant or sexual is a learning and growing process.

Both of us seemed engaged and candid and it was productive and felt really wonderful.

Shortly after our conversation, Syr disciplined me for transgressions throughout the day. I suppose I had it in my head that any firm new disciplinary actions would you know.. start tomorrow. But She is my Owner, and while I didn't like it much, I am grateful that She chose not to let the days misbehaviour slide and that She did take action.

The stingy cropping that my bottom received drove me to tears and curling up in Her arms afterward I felt safe and loved and contained, in spite of the physical discomfort. I slept soundly until morning.

Oh the naughtiness!

I was home, alone, today.

I haven't been home alone in a very long time - or at least not when I was not too ill to enjoy it properly.

But today, after a morning dentist appointment, I had the whole place to myself. I texted Syr to ask for permission to play. I was told that I could, as long as I finished my chores and gave Her a full report.

I indulged in absolute debauchery, and as is usually the case when I'm in one of THOSE moods, my pain threshold was VERY high. I got pretty ambitious. I managed to use every single clothespin we had in the clothespin goodie bag, and the nipple clamps, a nice smooth cock for that 'full' sensation, a purple g-spot vibe, and an egg vibe.

I think the most exciting part was clothespinning up my nether-regions. That was hot!

Yes, Yes, YES SYR!

Last night, I was in a ... mood.

I'm not normally very assertive when it comes to sex. I tend to be more cute and coy about my attempts to seduce my Syr.

But not last night.

Last night I was aggressive, kissing and nibbling and whimpering against Her neck, whispering, "Please, Syr"

I laid out the towel on the bed, and pulled Her cock out of the drawer, leaving it on the bed to wait for Her. It was easy to see that She was amused and intrigued by my boldness.

I pulled my clothes off quickly, melting, naked into Her embrace and it was breathless moments later when She left me alone in the room so that She could wrap up a few things outside of the bedroom.

When She got back, I surprised Her again by waiting for Her, naked and kneeling on my fur, Her crop between my teeth.

Her grin when She saw me like that. Absolutely priceless and SO worth being brave, just so I could see it!

Although, Syr found a better way to reward me for my bravery. She grabbed me by the hair, kissed me soundly, and threw me over the bed, and beat me in deliciously quiet and stingy ways with the crop. (As an interesting sidenote, I've never been a huge fan of sting-pain, but this was positively delightful.)

Syr left me bent over the bed this way, my feet on the floor, my knees just barely supported against the wood frame and drove into me, to the hilt, in one stroke, pressing Her palm into my lower back, holding me down and growling, "Cum, Slave." in my ear and I did, right away, in that perfect moment of being filled so completely.

After that first orgasm, Syr drove me absolutely wild, and claimed me in such an intensely raw, passionate way, always with Her hand pressing against my back or pulling back on my shoulders or my hair. I love how that feels, Her hand pressing down on me like that - such a possessive action and I felt truly claimed.

That position was incredible. Being taken that way, from behind, is probably one of my favourites from a D/s perspective. Syr taking me that way makes me feel so owned, but Her cock of choice is so large that the usual doggy-style doesn't usually work, physically... and She rarely opts for the smaller cock. *grins* But bent over the bed, was perfect... all the intense physical drive of a 'from behind' encounter without the pain we encountered in other 'from behind' positions. And with the bed supporting the upper half of my body, I was in no danger of falling.

Syr took me with such abandon, it was clear that She was thoroughly enjoying the position and the access to my body that it gave Her. It felt like She took me this way for hours... making me wait, pushing me to my absolute limits, and then pushing me just a little bit father, driving me into utter and complete oblivion.

And it was... sublime.

Thank You, my Owner.

The Peace of Surrender

There is so much peace in Surrender.

I was talking to someone the other day, online, whom I am just starting to get to know. And in the talking, was describing an experience I had with Syr not that long ago, where She danced with me. I realized in the dancing, as She led me, that it can be hard to let go and follow.

Maybe for some, it is easy. But I didn't find it easy. I did note that it was easier with Her than it had ever been with anyone else I had danced with. She's certainly a strong lead.

One thing I realized is that the impulse to 'help' when dancing and not just simply to let go and follow the lead, is the same impulse that makes it difficult to truly trust and surrender.

When Syr does something that I don't expect or don't feel prepared for in an S/M sense, it's hard to relax into it, to trust. In a vanilla context, it's really the same thing. When Syr says "I'm angry, but it's okay, I just need to cool off.", that's something I need to trust. If Syr tells me to do something, and I don't fully understand Her reasoning for it, I need to trust, because She never asks me to do something for no reason whatsoever. There is always a reason and why do I struggle with simply letting go, giving in, and trusting? But I do.

At any rate, this conversation with my new friend, was yielding all sorts of fun little lightbulb moments and ideas about trust, letting go, and surrender. And in the process, I had this interesting thought about what it would be like to do a trust test, for Syr to blindfold me and lead me around somewhere, like the woods. I chatted with Syr about it. I was utterly entranced by the idea, if nothing else, to see if it would be easy or hard for me, to see where I really was at development-wise with my trust with Syr, and my ability to let go and really follow.

Saturday, Syr took me out for the day and we did some random exploring. Along the way, we found a beautiful little park that was quite out of the way. It wasn't necessarily an appropriate time to use something so bold as a blindfold given our surroundings, but Syr in Her spontaneity simply ordered me to close my eyes.

Duh. ;) I guess that WOULD be easier, wouldn't it? It also should have been harder. But I was amazed that I didn't try to peek even once.

She led me by the hand for a little while and I tried to focus and breathe and relax into simply holding Her hand gently, and trusting - knowing She would lead me. She had me open my eyes again just a few moments later and I was breathless for a few moments from the experience.

Later on that afternoon, we ended up in a different park, and it had a ledge with a concrete border that was elevated. Once again, Syr had me close my eyes and led me up onto the ledge, and walked me right along it for a while. The connection between us was electric. I knew that I was safe and I didn't even squeeze Her hand tightly, simply took things slowly and let Her lead me.

Then, She had an idea. She took me to an area of the park near a wall - and once again ordered me to close my eyes. This time, She wasn't touching me. She stood, a fair bit away, and reminded me to trust Her. And then She started giving me commands.

"Turn to the left"

"Step forward three paces"

"Turn to the right"

"Step forward two paces"

At one point, She had me continue to turn clockwise by turning to the right again, and again, and again. She moved around me, not staying in the same place so that I didn't know which direction I was facing or where I was headed at any time. She had me walk backward and varied the length of my strides.

Finally, I sensed... something... and my eyes flew open. I hadn't intended it, but I was a couple of steps away from a wall. I don't know why my eyes opened, but it was interesting. Syr was going to have me take a couple small steps and then put my hands out. But either way the experience was intense.

I sunk into this really amazing space listening to Her voice while She commanded my movements. And Her voice took on this quality that I can't really describe. It was a powerful, confident tone. It was... sure. And I found it easier than I thought I would to follow each command She gave me.

Afterwards, I was so little, and felt so loved and peaceful. It was definitely an experience that I will never forget.

500 Lines and 1000 Words

Friday, after I wrote my post about my bad behaviour, I had an evening event to attend, and Syr had the evening to read it and think about it.

By the time I got home that evening, She had decided what She wanted to do. She assigned me 500 lines, numbered and handwritten of this sentence: "It's ok to get angry." I was to think about that sentence while I wrote the lines. She explained Her reasoning for the choice of line for me to write.

I finished the first 325 lines Friday night and the remainder I finished this morning, as it had been a busy weekend for us both.

After I handed Her the stack of finished lines, including made-up lines for about 30 where I had written "It's ok to be angry" instead of "It's ok to get angry", She told me that I was to wrote 1000+ words about that sentence, what it meant.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When Syr first told me that I was to write "It's ok to get angry", 500 times, I was surprised. It seemed an odd choice of sentence. I mean, I suppose if I was to write lines, I would have expected "I shall not slam doors" or "It's not okay to act out when I am angry" or... something. But the last thing I expected was, what initially felt like, a repeated line about how it's OK to get angry. I did remember my personal committment to trust whatever it was that Syr decided to do (or not do) about my actions during our fight the other day, and that put me in a receptive space to really hear what She was saying to me about why that sentence was so important.

Syr has observed that I tend to act out and spiral, and situations escalate between us, whenever I get angry. In Her observation, She expressed, it seems as thought I get freaked out by even BEING angry. I freak out if I get angry. I freak out if Syr gets angry. What She wanted me to work on, to think about, and to focus on during my punishment, was that feeling anger, experiencing anger - is normal, and ok. It doesn't have to be something scary, and it's not wrong for any person to be angry. It is each person's responsibility how they respond to that anger - but She seemed to pick up on something inside of me that just doesn't really believe it's okay for anyone to be angry.

At first I really balked. I was almost frustrated, because at the time all I could think of was "obviously I am okay with getting angry, given that I slammed a door!". But as I wrote each line again and again on the paper, and thought about it, I realized that Syr was onto something.

I thought of times I'd been angry as a child, or as a teenager in the home I grew up in. I realized that anytime I was angry, something bad always happened. I was shamed, punished, or lied to. I was never “allowed” to express anger. My role was to follow the rules and not make waves. My role was to be the “good girl” and in the house I grew up in, that meant not bucking authority – ever.

I thought of the times with previous romantic partners that I had been angry and of the fallout that I’d experienced. One ex would self-injure when she was upset. This was very traumatic. If I expressed anger, I could be starting a chain of events that could literally end in someone I love bleeding, or in one instance – overdosing on extra strength Tylenol and having to take her to the Emergency Room. One ex was so sensitive that any act of anger on my part would leave him acting as if I had just kicked him – a sensation that made me feel as if he was afraid of me – which really screwed with my head. I didn’t want to feel abusive, and so I just never expressed my anger, and stuffed it all down.

And then I thought of my history with people getting angry with me, and that was even more of an eye opener. In my family of origin, if someone were angry – it was a dramatic and often traumatic experience filled with lots of shouting and drama and even frightening things. If someone were angry with me, it always meant something big was happening, and I had to act quick, fix it somehow, stop it. My job was damage control, always. But usually in being “damage control”, my own emotions had to take a back burner. And I rarely found a healthy way to express my own emotion, my own anger.

So I made some connections between all of this and what Syr had me writing: “It’s ok to get angry”.

It’s okay for me to get angry? Really? Why was that so hard to wrap my brain around? Of course it’s okay. But I have all these blocks and so when I start to get angry, I get panicked, and I spiral and things escalate inside of me until I’m like a pressure cooker, ready to blow and I need to physically DO something. I suppose that’s partly why I end up yelling, or throwing something or feeling so bottled up that I’m ready to explode.

It’s okay for Syr to get angry? Really? Why is THAT so hard to wrap my brain around? Of course it’s okay. But it is scary when She is angry, because I think I am always afraid that if She is angry, that it means She is unhappy, or doesn’t want me, or might leave me. Hello. Insecurity anyone?

But that’s just what Syr mentioned to me in Her explanation of my punishment. It IS ok to get angry. It doesn’t have to mean something. AND it doesn’t mean that I somehow MADE Her angry. That is a harder thing for me to really absorb. I mean, She could be cranky, having a bad day, or maybe it is something I did, but that doesn’t mean it’s my job to make Her NOT angry. My job is to realize it’s not that big of a deal – we all get angry at each other sometimes, and I don’t need to panic.

Because, truly, that’s what I have been doing. I panic. I panic when I get angry. I panic when She gets angry. And if I can just relax and remember that we both have the right to feel and experience the emotion of anger, itself, then it will be much easier to make better choices about how I respond to Syr’s anger, and how I express my own.

Syr said: “You can choose to express your anger destructively or constructively.”

But She really believes that if I can put the emotion itself in a healthy place, mentally, the rest will be much easier. I think She’s right.

I do feel I need to work on strategies for expressing my anger constructively, when I feel it. It’s a well known fact that physical exertion expressions of anger are the “best”, according to experts on the subject anyway.

(By that logic, I wonder if Syr would agree to let me masturbate when I’m angry? Hmm...)

Okay, in all seriousness, I’d LOVE a little mini hanging boxing bags. One of those little teardrop shaped ones, you know? And some pink boxing gloves. Yeah baby. That’d be AWESOME! I should petition for that, a little boxing bag in our back room, maybe:

Space-Saver Wall Mount Kit:

Hmm... or even one of these fantastic pink desktop punching bags:

Whatdya say, Syr?

On being a bad, petulant girl

Yesterday started out well enough. I was actually having a marvelously wonderful "good girl" day yesterday.


I remembered my rules. There aren't many but all address challenging things for me (bad habits, lifestyle changes, etc). I was very conscious of my nail-chewing habit and hardly did it at all, all day at work. I did a little in the evening, but that was it. I counted all my points and planned healthy snacks and meals (weight watchers points). I took my yoga break. Those three, alone, definitely made for a good girl day.


And then - I got home.


I had the best of intentions. I was excited about making a yummy (but still low-fat) dinner for Syr. I had the unfortunate luck, however, to have started my period at a VERY inconvenient time and had to figure out getting bathed AND getting dinner started, so that Syr wouldn't have to wait too long for Her meal.


We had a miscommunication, though, in that Syr was wanting a bath but was going to wait until I had mine, and I had to have mine first for the aforementioned reason, but what I didn't know was that Syr was actually quite sore from work. She didn't just want a bath, it was something She was going to need, and She delayed Hers so that I could have mine - but when I got home, I was doing some futzing. I was trying to get some help from one of the boys to get dinner started so I could take my bath without delaying dinner, thinking of Syr's hunger. But in the delaying, I ended up frustrating Syr who, 20 minutes of futzing later, realized She could have had Her bath instead of waiting for me.


So we had a fight. It wasn't a big one, really. It was a lot of miscommunication from two PMS-ing females. ;) We are cycling together lately, which is both good - and bad. So it wasn't anything earth shattering, but I had a moment.


A bad moment.


She said something to me, that I didn't like, and walked away. It wasn't anything cruel, merely dismissive and frustrated. And I didn't like it. And I wanted Her to know it. I was angry and hurt.


So I slammed the bathroom door as hard as I could. And as the door shut in its frame, the heel of my hand went INTO the soft (cheap) veneer of the hollow door. *yelps*


I put a HOLE in one side of our bathroom door with my one act of defiance. I looked at it and quickly hopped in my super-shallow bath, and just started sobbing. I was angry and upset and hurt and my emotions were NOT appropriate to the situation. There was no call for me to be that freaked out, but I think what was hurting/upsetting me the most was knowing I'd just done something REALLY bad, and on a day I was trying to be so GOOD.


I'd lost my temper and I didn't even know how I was going to tell Syr what happened. But I didn't have to. She came into the bathroom a few minutes later... and saw it Herself.


We talked out what happened, with regard to the argument itself, and to Her credit, She stayed quite calm the whole time. We resolved the actual disagreement without too much fuss. Syr had Her bath while I cooked dinner...


I just couldn't shake the awful feeling that I was (am) just a terrible slave, terrible submissive, that I should never have lost my temper or acted out that way. I felt... feel... awful.


I know Syr was disappointed, really disappointed. That part really sucked. I spiralled, because I felt like my focus had been so good all day, I'd been focusing on Her, trying to be a good girl, follow my rules and in one moment I went from "good girl" status to "bad girl" status.


And if there's one thing that makes me feel awful, it's being a bad girl. I mean, we're not talking even just from a D/s standpoint. My whole life it was ALL ABOUT being the good girl, the one who followed the rules, behaved, didn't lie or sneak out of the house. Those few occasions that I broke the rules as a teenager, I was consumed with stress or guilt. I just far prefer to be the good girl.


How do I reconcile that with real emotion and real human fallacy? Humans make mistakes, we screw up, we lose our temper.


Syr told me lately that I am no longer allowed to have displays of anger/frustration. No throwing things or slamming doors or shouting. She asked me to explore why I reacted that way and what I was thinking at the time it happened.


It's hard to describe what I was thinking/feeling at the moment I slammed the door, or at any moment I shout or lose my temper. I know that I feel rebellious and angry and frustrated and most of all I feel like I'm being picked on. It's not logical - most of the time, Syr is just being angry or frustrated, but She rarely raises Her voice. She doesn't attack, even in anger. The worst thing She's ever done is walk away, shut down, etc. But when She doesn't respond the way I want Her to or when She doesn't say what I want Her to say... how I want Her to say it, when we're fighting or even when I'm apologizing, I feel like She's being *mean*.


Writing it out, now, two things become very very obvious.


1. These responses in me are very childish, almost regressively so. And I'll be honest, when in that headspace all I want to do is stomp my feet and bang my fists against the mattress and bawl my eyes out.


2. This is really the key now isn't it? "But when She doesn't respond the way I want Her to or when She doesn't say what I want Her to say... how I want Her to say it, when we're fighting or even when I'm apologizing, I feel like She's being *mean*" Exactly. I want. I expect. I control. *sigh*


In the end, my instinctive desire is for Her to respond to me in ways I expect and understand, not to be unpredictable. I want Her to "see it my way" and when She doesn't, I lose my temper or get really really wounded and feel like I'm being picked on. It's not rational, and it's definitely bred from my need to control/manipulate situations so that I am not caught off guard.


Thinking about it from this angle really helps me put it in it's place. My whole life until I was out on my own (and actually for much after that) was about everyone else having the control and their issues, their "stuff" tripping me up at every turn. Nothing was predictable. My life was a ticking time bomb. I was waiting for one family member or another or a partner to blow up, all the time. And when that happened, it was hurtful and traumatic - every time.


Living like that instills a certain fear in you. You keep waiting for the bomb to go off, and so even the mildest ticking, even the meaningless sort, sends you into panic that doesn't even seem appropriate for the situation.


And I think that's a huge key to my big upsets/freak-outs when there is tension between Syr and I. Anytime She gets upset with me, it's like I hear the ticking. She's NEVER been a bomb-force in my life like that. Not ever. She's always been stable and safe and loving and healthy for me. So the fear is unfounded. But even still, if She shuts down or gets angry, I have fear as if She is a bomb like the people in my past were.


It makes much sense now. The key is, deprogramming that fear - so that I can learn to trust and know that it's not ticking at all, but something completely different, and it isn't a sign that something bigger is or might happen. I need to learn to be in the moment.


And once again, it all cycles back to trust, and to surrender. Surrendering to the moment, trusting Her at face value when we have disagreements. Most of all, I need to work on relinquishing my need to try to affect the outcome. All I can do is be real, be honest, really listen, and most of all NOT panic.


And so there are a lot of lessons to take away from this.


This is the first time in a long time that I have desperately wished for punishment, real punishment, awful punishment - something severe and terrible. Atonement.


That is not something I'm familiar with. Yes I am grateful for punishment, always, because it helps me to have boundaries, and it makes me feel loved and secure to feel the containment that punishment offers. But I am not used to craving it for atonement, for forgiveness that's earned not just given to make me feel better.


I know that no matter what, it is a lesson in trust to accept whatever Syr decides to do about this. If She chooses to punish, then acceptance of that is a lesson to be learned. If She chooses not to punish, that is something I need to accept too because I know She knows what is best for me.


Whether there is punishment or not, I do desperately need Her forgiveness.

My Good Girl List

It's far too easy to pick apart what we do or don't do, and discuss our mistakes, our shortcomings, our hurdles, and our challenges. But I find it's not so easy to talk about the good things we do.

I have decided to start 'victory' lists. One nilla, and one kinky. This here, is the home of the kinky one. I'm calling it my "Good Girl" list.

Starting now, I will keep a running tally of the things I do that make me feel like I've been a good girl, a good slave for my Syr. Each time I think of one, or Syr notices something that even I didn't, I'll add it to the list. It's a bit of personal positive encouragement for me. :)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My Good Girl List

4/15/08: I remembered to do my Yoga and I kept track of my food while at work.

4/15/08: I picked up a special lunch for Syr to take to work and surprised Her with it (Her own mini baguette and wedge of brie)

4/16/08: I remembered to do my Yoga and I kept track of my food while at work.

4/16/08: I sent Syr a text message that said "I love You, Syr." while at work.

4/17/08: I remembered to do my Yoga and I kept track of my food while at work.

4/17/08: Planned a beautiful meal for Syr and texted Her to tell Her I had a lovely dinner planned: "I have a lovely dinner planned for You, my Owner". *shiver-purr*

4/18/08: I remembered an assignment Syr had given me last night, and in spite of some big stuff that took up a lot of my energy, I completed my assignment first, because it was important to me to prioritize it.

4/18/08: I counted all my points and planned a healthy, tasty, dinner that I know Syr will LOVE.

4/18/08: When Syr gave me a punishment, I trusted it and prioritized it, working on it right away and not trying to put it off.

4/19/08: When Syr did a 'trust game' with me, I surrendered to the moment, relaxed, and trusted Her to lead me.

4/20/08: I kept track of my foods/points all weekend long.

Possession and Surrender (My Six Word Memoir)

Possession and Surrender ~ This was a concept I sort of discovered when I was burned out by the BDSM "community" and all the pretense and bullshit. I was done being jerked around and realized that I just couldn't do D/s if that's what it was about. And yet, some part of me still yearned to give up, give in, submit.... surrender. I found that even in my vanilla interactions with romantic or sexual partners that there was still an element of submission to the very energy that I brought to the experience.

And so, I started a discussion on a community list about this topic. Here are some excerpts from that discussion (my words/thoughts only):

"To me, to possess, to yearn to be possessed.. is more than just being Dominated... it is giving up ones self completely to the Other in that moment, moments, lifetime. It is a full and complete feeling and one that requires no props (though they are lots of fun!) And often, I find this phenomenon happens naturally."

"Surrender.. to surrender... to be surrendered to... implies again a more full and complete giving of ones self. To me, surrender means to let go completely. Away, go my inhibitions and self-consciousness and self-doubt. Away, go my nervousness and fear. Instead there is only the sweet softness of surrender. "

“Before, I submitted out of need. Now, I surrender out of choice.”

“To surrender is to allow.. It is to allow the lesson to be learned, to be received. It is to allow for perfect completeness of sensation and of trust. It is to allow one to permeate your being for those few moments, or for a lifetime.”

“There is fear when one attempts to surrender without being fully prepared. It is an unmasking. It is a clear and stark reality. It is trusting the other to see you as you truly are, not the you that you portray through all the many masks and veils that we wear in our day to day lives. It is purity.”

I have always yearned to feel posessed, owned. And I have always yearned to surrender, to let go, to give in, and to submit.

These are themes present throughout my entire life. While subconsciously, it seems, my 'programming' has me trying to control and manipulate, what I yearn for - what I desire - is the sweet serenity of surrender.

And so my six word memoir is simple:
I am learning how to surrender

I was tagged by Lenora who was tagged by Saratoga

The rules are as follows:
-Write your own six word memoir

-Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like

-Link to the person that tagged you in your post

-Tag five more blogs with links

-And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play

**Sorry everyone! I don't really know who to tag!! But please feel free to participate if you're interested!**

A little girl's random thoughts...

I'm sitting on the bed, next to my Syr. She is playing a video game and I am enjoying a simple happy sensation of contentedness.

This is especially notable given that we had a difficult early evening thanks to more of my issues - this time a trigger of mine around food. It wasn't the most fun experience, ever, but as always we communicated and learned more about each other in the process.

I'm craving Her, like craving water after walking in the hot, dry, desert all day. I'm craving that indescribeable feeling of Her cock driving into me, filling me, claiming me.

She kisses me and I shiver inside, in my very spirit-center from down deep and low to that high point inside of me that makes me near giddy with want and need.

I'm craving the feeling of Her teeth against my soft skin, and of the span of Her hand pressing me down, holding my body into the mattress as Her cock plays me like a musical instrument.

I want to feel Her hands tangle in my hair and pull, hard, as She presses - so deep - and Her body shudders as She comes inside me.

I want to surrender, and melt, and obey and be.

The Chase

I was in an odd sort of head space yesterday afternoon and evening. I am not sure why, but I slipped into this odd head space where I'm almost adrenaline-filled, hyper, and craving physical release of the non-sexual variety.

I'm not sure where this mood comes from, except I do know I've experienced it my entire life.

When I was young, I used to have an outlet for it. I would merely dare the boys on the playground - taunt and chide them until they chased after me. That exhilarating feeling of having pushed too far and running, running, running - was probably the best feeling in the whole world.

If caught, they would often put me in the 'dungeon'. It was harmless children playing, really. The dungeon was any defensible physical space on the playground that would result in my inability to escape.

Sometimes it was a spot under the slide of the big toy, with a couple of guards there to make sure I didn't get out until the bell rang. Once, I remember it was inside this big dome shaped climbing toy. I remember that one the most, because two boys circled it and kept me there until way after the bell, making me late for class. I was quite distressed because I didn't break the rules at school, and I knew I would be in trouble for being late.

My memories of this playground play are incredibly vivid, even still. I recognize it, in a fashion, now for what it was. Even at that young age I had far too much power to manipulate people around me, and control. I knew it. I was in a dysfunctional household/family where I was prized for being "good". But being good didn't mean being healthy. It meant that I knew how to kiss up, and make myself appear to be whatever my family members needed me to be so that I could fly under the radar, and hopefully protect those that I felt needed to protecting. Of course when you're 7 or 8 years old and doing that - obviously there's some pretty intense psychological game-playing behaviour being learned.

Subconsciously, I'm sure that I was aware that I was basically always manipulating/controlling the people around me - and it was psychological. And obviously that wasn't something that felt "good" to me. I wanted to give up control, be taken care of, not have to take care of everyone else.

And so this pattern was born. I would be in need of that release of control, so I would goad the boys until they chased me... controlled me.

The sensations in my body when I hit one of those moods today as an adult, are almost identical and I recognize the exact same sensations and remember the chase in the playground.

But within my submission and my dynamic with my Syr, where does that fit in?

If you guessed: "it doesn't" you're sort of right. Because in order for me as a submissive to goad my Syr into "chasing" me (or in its adult context: slamming me hard and fast into subspace), I have to REALLY do something bad. Really bad.

I don't WANT to do something bad, however, because my desire is to please Her not frustrate or anger Her.

So often I find myself hitting uber-brat mode. But more than that, my physical and psychological need is a physical outlet. So rather than the usual verbal teasing and playful brattiness I might fall into, instead I want to be physical. It's still playful, but what I'm wanting to do is wrestle, bite, throw ice down Her shirt - anything for THE CHASE.

And I restrain myself, usually, from doing anything REALLY bad and for the most part these moods are in fun. But of course - Syr knows She can't exactly reward the behaviour either.... whichhhh means no chase.

How do I reconcile that as a submissive? How do I, an owned slave, fulfill this long-lived need to push so hard that control is RIPPED from me? In these times, it's not about Dominance and submission, even. It's about raw power. It's about wanting to pit my strength against Hers in a physical way and LOSING.

It's about wanting to be TAKEN DOWN.

It's intense and overwhelming and very very hard to find an outlet for in the reality of the real world and our lack of privacy.

In any case, I recognized the sensations, the needs, the wants... in me. Syr did too, but I think it's a struggle for Her to determine the best way to respond to it. She doesn't want to reinforce the bad parts of this behaviour, even if she enjoys the playful aspects of it. So how can She respond? It's sort of a catch 22 for Her, because I WANT Her to slam me into the ground. But if She does so because I've goaded, then haven't I just manipulated Her (which is exactly the sensation I want to get away from when I'm in this head space)?

It feels like a double-edged sword no matter how one looks at it, doesn't it?

Syr waited until I was a bit better behaved and during those windows, She established control and dropped me several times early in the evening. She would pull my hair, put me on my knees - and each time, I would drop into that lovely subspace. But it lacked the dynamics of The Chase, and so that adrenaline-like feeling would take over again and my need would come back full force.

I had to go out for a few hours, then, and so was left to my thoughts and to examine it all in my head. I didn't come to any major conclusions, but I did realize that my need was my responsibility and that it was up to me to find a way to communicate that need to my Syr. I made a conscious choice to give up The Chase, in order to take responsibility for my needs. I was proud of myself, but I think only half-convinced that asking and receiving (in a best case scenario) would provide the same sensations as The Chase would. But I knew I had to try.

When I got home, I hesitated, and beat around the bush... and finally admitted I had a question to ask Syr, a request.

The sentence was formed in my mind, but oh my, I simply could NOT get it out. Syr recognized it was a D/s question instantly and Her demeanor slipped into that place where Her Dominant energy just swirls around Her and I find myself transfixed, and frozen, and nervous and little.

I managed to ask "Would it be okay if I knelt in front of You and..."

The ... was where I stopped. What I realized I wanted to ask Her was something so beyond what I could ever imagine ASKING for. I mean what I wanted to ask Her for is the sort of thing one isn't really supposed to want or need (at least according to mainstream society). I mean, asking for a spanking is easier (though still challenging) because at least that has more face-time in society these days. LOTS of people spank or like to be spanked, so there's some mental acceptability with it.

Syr kept encouraging me to finish, and I could see that sparkle in Her eye, the one that proves how much She enjoys it when I squirm and struggle to say something. Finally, with my face buried in Her neck I got it out...

"and.. and would You slap me, Syr? Please?"

*gulp*

Syr chuckled and held me close.

"And what if I say no, slave?", She asked. "What if I don't WANT to slap You?"

She bit my neck and I whimpered. I knew She wouldn't do it, if She didn't want to, and so I know that the point She was making was that it was HER decision. She was making it clear that I wasn't "topping from the bottom" and She knew it. She wanted to make sure I knew She knew it.

"Then kneel, slave."

I practically poured myself off the bed where we'd been talking onto the fur on the floor. She reached out a hand to run a finger along my jaw and I shied away a little. She reacted quick as lightning and placed my forehead down on my fur.

"Don't you dare shy away from the very thing you've asked for, little girl."

I whimpered softly as She placed her foot on the back of my head, the weight of it reassuring and I felt myself start to sink.

She directed me to sit up again and she wrapped her left hand tightly in my hair, pulling my head back slightly until I met Her eyes.

She said some things then, and it's a blur, because when I hit this place, mentally, it's like we're in a different world - out of space and time - a place that is wholly ours, and it is very much an otherworldly experience to the point where trying to describe it later always seems to dim in comparison to the experience of it.

She reminded me who I am, who owns me, and who is in charge.

The first slap across my cheek sent shocks throughout my entire body, it was so filled with the energy of Her.

She made me meet Her eyes. "Look at me, slave."

"MINE", She growled and delivered another slap.

Each time my eyes drifted closed as I floated on the energy of Her, She would tug just once on the hair gripped in Her fist and make me look at Her. That was so potent, seeing the raw energy there, the raw intensity.

A final slap and She held her hand over my mouth and nose for the briefest of moments, though it felt longer, and then pulled me into Her safe embrace with soft kisses to my forehead.

She directed me to bed, then, and I curled up against Her body, laying my head on it's usual pillow: Her shoulder, and whispered "Thank You Syr" against her neck as I was already floating away to the land of dreams on the peaceful floating sensations She'd just gifted to me.

"You're welcome, little girl." She whispered against my forehead before bestowing my goodnight kiss there.

Spontaneous Confessions

Syr asked me to post about this little exchange we had this evening because, I think, she takes great pleasure and amusement in my... suffering.

Shocking, huh? ;)

Syr and I have a full disclosure marriage, relationship, friendship, and dynamic. As such, we don't have secrets from each other, period. We've always been that way. It's interesting because it's allowed me a sense of security unlike anything I've ever known. I trust Her more than I have likely trusted any other human being I've ever known.

One of the intersting byproducts of this pure trust and unquestioning full disclosure situation is that I do NOT have the ability to keep anything from Her. At all. In fact, even gifts are hard to keep a secret.

So... let's say I was doing something like one of my bad habits (chewing my nails, as an example), and she suspects that's what I'm doing but can't see me (like she asks from another room).

It goes a little like this, usually and only IF I try to deny it.

"Are you biting your nails, little girl?"

"Um... no?" (yes, with a ? I suck at denials too)

"are you telling me the truth?"

"No" *pout*

And that's the end of that.

However, most of the time, if I've done something bad, I end up confessing it. This amuses Her to some degree, always, because She fully admits it makes her job easier. ;)

But sometimes, it's extra amusing... sort of like this evening:

I was chewing this one spot of my fingernail, and Syr says "stop that!" And I tried to explain that I had this one spot on it that was bothering me. And so She told me to go "take care of it properly". So I headed to the bathroom, which sort of implied I was headed for a fingernail file, or clippers or... something.

Now... the reality is, that my teeth do the job, and I was a little hyper at the time, so I think I knew that I was going to do was go in the bathroom and bite off that little bit that was bugging me, anyway, and halfway down the hall, I raised my finger to my mouth and...

*SCREAM* as Syr was RIGHT behind me and growled: "WHAT are you doing?"

"Meep." came the sound out of me.

So then Syr clued in - that I was going to the bathroom to "take care of it properly" by not taking care of it properly and simply using the opportunity out of sight to bite the offending nailbit off.

She asked me if that was what I intended to do and I just started laughing.

It's important to point out, at this time in the story, that when I am being questioned or under duress, I laugh - inappropriately. Syr knows it (thank goodness) but couldn't help laughing herself in response. Interestingly, the D/s energy between us was still very strong during this exchange.

So I admit that yes that's what I was doing... but I'm laughing and trying not to look at Her and I can feel that verbal spewing of confession bubbling just underneath the surface and I just desperately need to get away from Her at that moment so I don't blurt out something really bad...

And then She says something else, I can't remember exactly what but along the lines of repeating back to me what i was about to do: "So you were about to NOT obey me and instead just use the privacy of the bathroom to chew your nail anyway?"

And then spewed forth the verbal (giggling) duress-filled spontaneous confession: "but that's what I ALWAYS do!"

No... i didn't intend to say it, it just came out. And the horror on my face immediately after it left my lips sent Syr into peals of laughter so intense that she had tears at the corners of her eyes and of course in response to Her laughter, I'm laughing even harder, and we're both laughing and yet throughout the ENTIRE exchange, I am WELL aware that I'm in big trouble, and She is certainly not about to ignore the admission...

So I try to shut myself up because for some reason at that moment, I just knew that somehow I was going to end up saying something else to get myself in trouble.

Syr's amused enough that she decides now is a good time to take advantage of the situation and ask if there was anything else I had to confess.

Thankfully, I don't think there was, because - I really don't keep things from her. The nailbiting bathroom habit thing wasn't exactly something I was doing intentionally or thinking about.

Of course, after this exchange of laughing so hard, I really DID have to use the bathroom!! But, since I was still in big trouble, Syr followed me into the bathroom and almost stayed to watch - and that was a reality check if there ever was one! I've got serious bathroom shyness... I think She made Her point though. No more biting my nails behind closed doors.

Giving Submission

I haven't posted much lately, here. There has just been a lot going on in our lives. But on many levels, whenever something big happens in our life together, it usually yields new growth and new opportunities.

Over the last week or so, I had a couple of really amazing "light bulb" moments about myself. Recognizing those things, dealing with them, and being honest about them has really helped me to grow and also, in some ways, to shed some old nasty patterns that were really ready to go.

I still fall into old habits, sure, but growth - small or large - always feels really empowering and healing.

One of the wonderful side effects of this growth was a realization that I needed to work on not trying so hard to 'make' Syr have to work for my submission. The wording of that is all kinds of inflammatory, which I am well aware of - but it's the most honest way I know how to put it.

A healthy D/s dynamic takes the work of both parties to maintain. Syr's responsibilities in that include establishing and maintaining my boundaries, or "containing" me (a term I've really come to identify with after reading on persephone's blog). My responsibilities include trusting Syr to do just that (and actually letting her) as well as owning my end of the deal by actually giving Her my submission with and without provocation from Her.

I think it's easy to fall into the trap of wanting a Dominant to take charge, be in control, and be responsible for the D/s and whether it succeeds or fails. But I realized that sometimes I expect Her to do like ALL the work. I don't LITERALLY think that way, but that's really what it boils down to. When I'm craving a drop, I really want that from Her - some action or reminder.

But over the course of the last few days, I've realized that I don't do enough on my own, without Her prompting. I do some, yes. I communicate and I own my needs and I make offers and when we are definitely in private and I am free to express myself, I often will fall to my knees at Her feet or fall into a soft subspace. Yet - in our regular (and by all purposes "vanilla") activities, I lose sight of my vows to Her, and of my responsibility in maintaining the 24/7 energy between us.

And I realized that when we are in a 'vanilla' setting or mood or what-have-you, and She asks me for something, that I don't treat Her, always, with the same respect I would were we in different moods, or in private. Living without the ability to exercise the full extent of that respect due to privacy issues has created a sort of dividing line between the respect She gets when we are in a D/s headspace, and that she gets the 'rest' of the time. And this has established some not so hot patterns.

So when I realized this, I decided to make a conscious effort to change it. When She asks for something, now, I do it. It seems simple, but in the usual every day mundane activities, it's not so hard to fall into a pattern of "in a minute, honey" or "I'm just going to finish this up first..." or "do you need me to do that right now?" (that last one especially when I'm feeling a bit grumpy).

I suppose the last couple of days have been a bit of a trial run, and it hasn't been flawless. But in remembering that She is my Syr *ALL* the time, not just when She has the privacy to demonstrate that, and consciously reminding myself to treat Her as my Syr all the time, I've discovered something really cool..

When She (in as vanilla a mood as can be) says "Can you please get me a glass of water?", and I get it, without hesitation or question, suddenly I am getting exactly what I need.

Duh.

Interesting how lately there has been so much talk of experience, and how long one has been in the lifestyle and how that translates to what qualifies one to say they are "experienced"... and here I am, having been in the Lifestyle to one degree or another since I was 19 years old, and I'm just a baby in some ways, still just a noob in my own way.

It's no different than any other of life's greatest treasures - you have to find the power to get your needs from within before seeking them from without - and it just clicked.

The more often I obey and trust, all on my own, because I want to - because it's right, because it's a natural expression of who I am and who my Syr is to me, the deeper my submission grows.

Pretty cool, huh?

At Least One Thing

I think that anyone who is in a 24/7 dynamic, particularly in a family environment that involves kids will admit that consistency can be challenging - particularly when there is a lack of privacy, and a need to function in the vanilla world in a positive, healthy way every single day.

As an owned slave, I often find comfort and reward in the small acts of service, hidden in the guise of vanilla activities: Making a coffee or latte for Syr and putting that extra bit of effort into it, keeping the bedroom clean (er... when I remember to do so), getting Her lunch ready, surprising Her with a treat, meal planning and cooking an interesting and healthy dinner and always being sure to set the plate in front of Her myself.

I write a lot about new tricks, things Syr or I discover that can reinforce our dynamic while remaining subtle or suitable for being done in a small space in private, or things that are quiet. The reason I talk so much about it is because we are always looking for ways to allow our dynamic to thrive so that we stay grounded in who we are to each other.

Syr told me to come up with a topic on my own today - and I really struggled with it, thinking of all the things I have found curiousity-piquing, or otherwise interesting of late - things in our dynamic I've noticed lately or particularly enjoyed.

But then, almost out of nowhere, I found myself thinking "I wish there were at least ONE thing that Syr had complete, unequivicable, unquestioning, solid control over". This thought bears explaining, because the reality is there are many things that She controls... the list is actually fairly long. But of these, few are realistically perfectly unquestionable. There are allowances made because real vanilla life - happens. There is an element of reality in our dynamic - there has to be, and I get that. But I long for one thing, no matter how small or mundane, that Syr maintains control of 100% of the time, without exception.

I don't mean things like having to have permission to experience an orgasm, or having a chore like being responsible for the upkeep and tidiness of the bedroom or cooking dinner.

I mean - handing over 100% of the control over all things related to some simple activity. For years, I've seen slaves practice the protocol of having to ask permission before using the bathroom. I've always felt drawn to that one because it is such a necessary biological function that to hand over control of that completely would be an ever-present reminder of what it means to be owned. Yet I worry that it wouldn't be possible for it to be perfect in its consistency. Right now - it is easy for me to reach Syr while we are both at work, so it would be easy enough now. However there are times using the washroom is urgent, and if one of us is unreachable that makes it less realistic. And this whole urge to give over complete control of one thing is to give it up totally - not give it up 'only when home' or only when in each others company (though that has its benefits as well).

For the purpose of this idea, I feel it must be something similar though - something that is done daily as a part of normal, every day life.

What are things I do every day, regardless of where I am or what is going on in my life?

Breathe
Sleep
Eat
Drink
Use the bathroom
Speak
Drive (almost every day)
Walk
Recreation (knit? watch tv? play on the computer?)

Of the above, what would not be harmful or produce guilt in Syr if I had to deny myself that particular activity until I had permission?

Breathing ~ Hmm.. yeah lol this would cause harm and frankly asking to breathe is overkill don't ya think? Syr owns the breath in my body but this wouldn't exactly be suitable for having to ask permission first. ;)

Sleep ~ Asking permission to sleep has it's appeal, though reality dictates that when we're watching a movie with the kids and I fall asleep accidentally, that's not something She can easily enforce (subtly) or would even be interested in enforcing. Having to ask permission before coming to Bed or going to sleep for the night might be productive.

Eat ~ I seriously gave this one thought. It might be helpful in a number of ways, both as reinforcing my place as Her owned pet/slave AND in curbing impulse eating to have to ask for permission before eating anything (when I am in Her presence) or for permission to eat anything in excess of planned meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner) when I am not with Her.

Drink ~ Perhaps having to ask permission to drink anything other than water could be productive and serve as a reminder.

Use the bathroom ~ Well I discussed this above - I remain highly intrigued by the idea but wonder at the feasibility of consistency with this as it could cause physical pain or humiliation (of the not good kind) to have a bathroom 'emergency' and not be able to reach Her and I know that would NOT be something She'd find pleasing.

Speak ~ Perhaps for special occasions, having to maintain a "speak only when spoken to for x amount of time" might be an interesting experiment, to see how it affects me, and what it does to my headspace.

Drive ~ Now this one is interesting to me because driving always is initiated from home (except when returning from work) and would cause me no harm if I were unable to obtain permission and had to walk or take transit to get where I was going.

Walk ~ Ok, I have to admit a part of me gets all blushy and small at thinking of having to ask permission to walk upright - if only it were feasible. Alas, crawling around is not exactly subtle...

Recreation ~ Activities for my pleasure/enjoyment: this one is probably of all of these the most easily incorporated subtly and the least likely to cause some kind of negative fallback. The fact that it's the 'easiest' doesn't necessarily make it the MOST intriguing to think about - but it does bear consideration. Asking for permission to do something I wish to do for my personal pleasure such as watching television, movies, knitting, playing video games, play on the internet, etc is highly appropriate to an experiment such as this because:

A: it puts me in mind of who I'm thinking of (me) by wanting to do that activity and by having to ask permission first, it realligns my focus and reminds me that even while I do an activity for my personal pleasure/enjoyment I do so only at my Owner's will and as it pleases Her.

B: It gives Syr an opportunity to ask me to complete a chore or assignment first - and completely disables my ability to 'procrastinate' on things I know I am supposed to be doing - a nasty habit of mine. If I ask permission to watch tv and knit for example, She could simply give a conditional consent (IE Yes you may, after you tidy the bedroom/do the dishes/do some exercise) or even to deny me if She would rather my attention be on Her and not the activity in question.

C: If I am unable to reach Syr to get Her permission, I am unable to engage in a personally pleasing/entertaining activity which harms me not at all - though it would probably be good to discuss acceptable alternative activities at moments like those so that I know the boundaries of such a rule.

~~~~

I'd say of all of these I'm drawn to some of them for occasional use or only when we are together (permission to use bathroom, permission to eat, etc) and I am drawn to a couple others for their feasibility in being enforceable and my personal intrigue over the impact they might have (permission to drink anything other than water, permission to drive, permission to engage in personal entertainment).

And of these, it would be easy enough to come up with ways to seek permission in subtle ways or simply to *wait* (without concern that any harm would befall me if I had to wait to ask or skip the activity) until I could ask.

It's entirely possible that all of these would seem tiresome and boring to Syr. It's equally possible that She may find them highly enticing and appealing. I leave that to Her. But idea-sharing is something we have always done and I know She appreciates hearing my thoughts and ideas especially with creative ways to enforce and deepen our dynamic.

At the end of the day, in our inescapably vanilla world of jobs, budgets, stress, kids, and responsibilities we share - there could be huge benefits to finding at least one thing that we can apply with perfect consistency, no matter where we are or what is going on in our life together at any given moment. And that is what this exploration was all about...

Counting Down

For some reason, writing this entry has me all blushy and bashful!

I have become a rather faithful reader of persephone's blog, in large part because I find her dynamic very loving and enticing and psychological and much much more about the D/s than about S/M which can be hard to find these days - as so often it seems to be more about the physical than the mental (or at least that seems to be what people tend to write about, and read about most.

In any case, I have found several different things I've read about there to be quite stimulating and these things, in discussions with Syr have led to some incredible exchanges and realizations between us, whether modified or just outright tried as is.

Most notably of these is the new practice of 'quiet time', where Syr directs me to place my forehead to the floor (usually on my kneeling fur), or does it for me, from a kneeling position. Inspired by one of her posts, Syr just did it one day, and it has become a very very grounding and centering experience for us both - something that has enhanced and reinforced my submission. Nothing puts me in my place quicker nor brings me the soft, loving, peace of utter devotion as that does.

I should make clear that it is never about topping from the bottom or directing Syr. But we talk about everything, and when I find something interesting or stimulating or find myself curious about it, I often mention it. It's at Syr's discretion, afterward, if She chooses to try it, or implement it in some way. And - in fact - most of the things I read about that I find stimulating are simply not realistic to our dynamic.

For example, one of our biggest hurdles is 'sound'. We live in a small space and lack total privacy. Finding quiet, simple, and/or subtle ways to reinforce our dynamic is almost a hobby for us!

But I digress...

Syr has always had control over deciding where, when, and how often I orgasm. When being intimate together, I beg and do not experience release until Her command. Similarly, I must always ask permission before being allowed to 'play' on my own as well.

One thing that Syr has always enjoyed very much is being able to make me orgasm on Her command, whether physically touching me or not. We've discussed how these particular types of orgasms feel - the ways they compare and contrast to a physically achieved orgasm, and it's an honest and valid experience. When we were long distance, She took great delight in using this to her advantage. When first we began visiting - She loved little more than walking me down the street and whispering in my ear, watching me try to retain my composure.

Once, in a mall food court in a very small town, She sat across from me at the table and held my gaze, not allowing me to look away, and whispered the command to cum for Her again, and again, and again.

What recently caught my attention is the way that persephone's owner counts her down. I mentioned it at one point to Syr, and recently She has played with this tool a few times when being physically intimate. I must say it's been an incredibly potent experience because when She decides to start counting, I know I only have 10 seconds to physically reach the place She wants me to reach. It really puts me in my place and is a firm display of Her control and Her power.

Last night, Syr used the countdown while allowing me to play, something we'd done before. But, afterwards, once the toy had already been put away, She decided to count down again. Unlike in the past when the command to cum for Her (without touch) would come out of nowhere and hit quite suddenly, the countdown introduced an element of 'building' that has never been present for me in a non-physical orgasm before.

10... 9... 8... 7 and I could feel the heat in my center spread downward, building in intensity and I locked my eyes onto Hers, feeling that control, that strength.

6... 5... 4... 3... and it became a pulsing, red-hot focus, as I felt myself both wanting Her to hurry and wanting Her to slow so that it could build even more...

2... 1... and a single word: "Cum"

And I did. Harder than I thought possible with no physical stimulation.

It was a very intense experience that left me quite breathless.

Afterwards I gently teased Her that it was quite ironic that a countdown could be used both for Punishment and Pleasure.

When She starts a countdown at 5, it's a warning to act before She reaches 0. But when She starts it at 10, it's the buildup to a very nice reward.

She said.... "hmm.. so if I start at 7 or 8, what happens?", to which we both broke into laughter.

Hilarity in the Bedroom

Syr and I have a VERY healthy sex life, at least as far as my (biased) opinion goes. Our 'dry spells' last days, not weeks or months. We have a similar appetite though I think She would argue that I'm the more insatiable of the two of us. Generally speaking, however, the only thing that holds us back is life circumstances beyond our control (lack of privacy, time, social engagements, illness, other ailments, etc) rather than lack of mood. For this, I am quite grateful.

Last night was definitely one of those "it just isn't going to happen" kind of nights.

The evening began with some intense ranting and venting on Syr's part about some ongoing drama going on in our housing situation. She is stressing over that particular situation and She processes this stress by playing out all the potential what-ifs with regard to the next steps, outcome, etc. This stresses me out! My coping mechanism is a functional yet oddly hypocritical method whereupon I like to be prepared but also prefer not to think about it and 'cross that bridge when we get to it'. So generally this sort of venting leaves us both feeling a wee bit unsettled and/or tense.

However, I came up with a great idea to break the tension! We have a movie rental club membership and one of the newest arrivals was a spoof on American Pie (and an independent unrated attempt at making 'the gayest movie ever') called "Another Gay Movie". We had originally intended to watch it with the boys (having only the title and a review to go on) and thank GOODNESS we decided to watch it alone as a distraction from the tension.

It was unrated - and omg, was it unrated!! It was goofy but absolutely hilarious and filled with nothing but the gross-humour such as can be found in the American Pie movies - and worse, if you can imagine. It's a type of movie I normally hate, so I was both horrified at my spontaneous eruptions of body-wrenching belly laughs and the similar laughs escaping from my Syr.

An interesting, and equally horrifying/embarassing side effect was that quite a few of the more graphic (and way over the top) sex scenes between the male characters was just turning me on! And, equally interesting, was a curious little glint in Syr's eyes as well. I'd never watched gay male porn, and was more than a little intrigued to see these men even just kissing each other!

Afterward, in our amused and even more amusingly aroused state, we decided to have a quickie.

Okay... that's not quite accurate...

Syr and I were snuggling and I gigglingly suggested that it'd be really great to have a quickie, and if She'd consider it, I'd buy Her Starbucks in the morning and I also told Her that I'd make room in the budget so She could eat out at lunch!! We were both laughing a bit the whole time but then the mood shifted, just so, and we were wiggling out of our clothes quicker than anything and Syr was strapped up and ready to dive in within mere moments!

The goal was clear - hot, intense, passionate and... quick! Because it wasn't about duration, the intensity level was through the roof.

Suffice to say, Syr rocked my world - and then some. Obviously so, because 15 minutes or so into it, the bed beneath us caved in.

Seriously!

We both stopped what we were doing and burst out laughing - but since the timing was less than ideal, we forged ahead anyway to.. er... finish what had been started.

Afterwards, getting out of the caved-in-bed took some doing and I ended up kneeling on my fur while we fixed it. It was not technically broken, but rather the wood slats that hold up the mattress had shifted and fallen out of the frame from the er, motion. *snicker*

We looked at the bed.

Syr looked so proud as She exclaimed - "I fucked you so hard, I broke the bed!" Then she held up her hand for a high five and I complied quite happily.

We grinned at each other and gave each other high fives again - with both hands this time!

We broke the bed!! *grins* We rule.

It was just one of those hilarious, incredible things that I am quite sure neither of us will ever forget.

Correction...

Yesterday, while Syr and I were chatting at work, I had a moment of panic over something silly. And in my panic, it's like I morphed into super-bitch-slave.

I sort of felt myself getting carried away, seriously crossing the line you know? I could tell it was happening - and I felt swept on by it, nearly powerless to stop it. Of course I wasn't powerless - I chose to ride the wave instead of fight it. But it was one of those moments where I was almost outside of myself watching this behaviour and waving my arms wildly screaming "what the HELL are you doing?!"

And still, I did it. Gah.

In the middle of this hyperactive bad behaviour, Syr simply said: "trust me".

And in all my craziness, I was like "I do... but"

but.

*sigh*

And then a couple minutes later I blatantly questioned her in the most condescending way ever. And I just knew that was the breaking point.

Syr's response sent WAVES of energy my way. She said, "Excuse me???????"

Normally, when She says that, it's a D/s correction. This was more than that. This went beyond our dynamic into an area where as my Owner, as well as, as my Wife, Friend, and Love that I had super crossed the line and behaved badly.

The instant She said that, I felt it, I knew it. And I plummeted.

It was as if I was in the littlest little-space ever combined with the guilt/feeling bad about myself from knowing I had treated my Wife unfairly. It felt really really bad. And I instantly owned my shit, became contrite, and admitted to Her that I had been way out of line and apologized. I just wanted to cry, but I was at work and I couldn't. I felt terrible. I felt as if I'd been a terrible wife and friend, let alone slave or pet. *sigh* It was yuck.

Syr had accepted my apology and probably had more understanding for my bad behaviour than I had, but the guilt lingered. I kept asking myself how I could call myself Her slave if I couldn't even treat her with the respect owed a Wife. It was a difficult time in my head and heart.

It was overcome before the evening ended, on both of our parts, and Syr reminded me that I am still wanted and loved and that it was a terrible moment - but that didn't make me a terrible slave. I think that when I have moments like that, I just can't help but feel unworthy. I'm working on it - but it's very challenging. And yet, with no other person in my life D/s or otherwise, have I ever been capable of calling myself on my shit quite so quickly, in owning it and taking responsibility for it instead of holding onto the need to be in the right. And for that, I give myself big credit. And THAT is what reminds me that I really am not such a terrible slave. A terrible slave would have continued to be bitchy and put the onus on her Syr to correct her into behaving better rather than taking the responsibility and initiative to own it and apologize and make it right.

This morning, there was another profound moment that I experienced. Syr and I were getting our clothes on so that we could go get a coffee. I was a little grumbly and growly (lack of coffee...) and was halfway towards getting dressed (had just a shirt and my panties on at that point) when Syr stopped, pulled my panties down over my hips just to my upper thighs and slapped my bare bottom twice and told me to be good. She pulled my panties back up, then, and I felt the reddening on my cheeks and I hid my face against Her chest and was just so little.

It was interesting, because never before has a simple swat on my bottom felt like a 'serious' correction, and yet this did. I think there was definitely a psychological impact to having Her pull down my panties to expose my bottom the way that she did. An element of humiliation is the first way I can think of to describe it. And yet, 'humiliation' in it's true form isn't something that appeals to either of us. It wasn't the kind of humiliation that makes you feel self conscious or bad about yourself, but it added just a hint of embarrassed unpleasantness to the interaction which took it out of it's normal playful/enjoyable context. Normally a swat on the butt is fun, playful, or at the least sexually stimulating. This was stimulating because it felt like real discipline, yet not because it was enjoyable, a profound lightbulb moment for me, because as I've written about before - there is some frustration in trying to work ways to incorporate discipline that is effective as discipline (and does not tempt me to behave badly just so I can experience it) and this was effective. I didn't enjoy it in the ways that might encourage me to behave badly to experience it - rather it is a real deterrent, despite the fact that it was stimulating.

I find that of all the things most difficult to incorporate consistently in a 24/7 D/s dynamic, true discipline and correction ranks at the top of the list. So it is always quite notable to me when something is discovered that works.

Leaps and Bounds, and a bit of backtalk

It's been terribly quiet here in blog-land from my end...

And yet, despite not writing about it much, there have been some incredible moments and thoughts and rituals and such developing in Syr and my world and dynamic.

We still struggle, sometimes, to find our footing - to find what works best in our current lifestyle and what doesn't. We don't have much privacy in our household, and that means that a lot of the more obvious and blatant activities fall by the wayside in light of just no realistic time or space to do them.

And yet, somehow we're managing to find our rhythm within those restrictions and regain some of the 'ground' we sort of lost when we began living together full time and dealing with all the day to day realities of life, family, finances, chores, and jobs.

I started exploring D/s when I was so young, and so for me, it really did begin as a sort of week-end activity. Years into it, I became a full-time slave, but I was poly and my time with my then-Master was limited. He lived over an hour away and we both had jobs and primary relationships to attend to. His control over me was 24/7 but he rarely really exercised his control with any consistency when we were not together.

With Syr and I, we began as friends with... D/s exploration as an overtone, I suppose you could say. It began with daily writing topics - which was really a foundational thing for us. We had limited time with one another each day and so I would get my assignment done before we spoke each evening and Syr would read it and we would discuss it together. It became an integral part of our dynamic and enabled us to learn more about each other than I would have thought possible.

But something happened with the writing assignments the more time we spent on the phone or in-person: they just became less technically necessary. We told each other everything, each thought and every idea - we ran out of topics! :)

Since then, Syr has assigned me writing topics sporadically. When I was not yet able to work after we moved in together, She would assign me a topic each morning when She left for work. I would finish it before I lost privacy each afternoon. But when I began working, it once again fell off.

We've tried getting it started again multiple times, but a lack of privacy for writing has always been the biggest deterrent.

For Christmas, Syr bought me a wi-fi card for my palm pilot. Now, I can write in the privacy of the bedroom. So - Syr instituted that I should start writing to the daily writing prompts supplied by the lovely luna!

And then - we both discovered that it was falling flat, and realized that it's because they weren't always topics that we felt applied to us or our dynamic and because it was missing that personal connection we had when writing on specific topics that Syr assigns. So, that got nixed!

But, there have been gems we've found as well.

Syr has been consistently raising her expectations of the ways that I speak to and interact with Her when we are in private. She has been able to consistently correct me to keep me reminded of my position - which has really helped to add a level of consistent energy flow in a more active and noticeable way.

In addition, of all the things that would allow us a deeper owner/slave connection, I never would have thought that rearranging the bedroom would do it! And yet, when we did some moving of furniture, we opened up some ROOM in the bedroom, and made space for a small sheepskin fur which Syr bought for me to live permanently next to the bed.

It's a kneeling fur, a symbol. At first, Syr would just have me kneel there now and then. And then one day, I was pushing... hard. I needed that take-down feeling and when I pushed, Syr fought hard and physically brought me to my knees at Her feet... and I still fought. And She put my head down until my forehead rested on the ground at her feet and then She kept firm pressure on the back of my head/neck and I just - sunk.

Afterwards, my little-space lasted for some time. She had reminded me, physically, of my place and it didn't take something loud or intense to do it. The entire interaction had been virtually silent.

And since then, Syr has discovered that this position, with my forehead touching the floor would instantly put me in my place. Now, She regularly times me out on my fur in the bedroom. With my head down She'll often put Her feet on my back or one on the back of my head, or a hand on the back of my head or neck. And the fur is exactly the right size for me to kneel and for my forehead to touch the fur in front of me. (If you yoga, think childs pose)

She's used it for discipline, and I've asked for it just to feel grounded and little, especially before bed... and that brings me to the topic Syr gave me to write on today.

I've been AWFUL the last few days. Not mean or terrible, but just willfuly pushing. And Syr wants to know why. Although, it's clear that She pretty much already does know why.

It's a classic behaviour pattern for me. When I find myself really enjoying/appreciating being reminded of my place - I act out to 'test' that I will not be allowed to get away with it. It's not a conscious/intentional thing, but I have noticed me doing it, and so has Syr. I brat in blatant, obvious ways - Syr puts me down/brings me down - and I revel in that, so I do it again.

It's that whole good attention/bad attention thing except - how do you differentiate between them when both good (petting/loving/praising) and technically 'bad' (discipline/correction) are desireable and needed and often craved - even more than than the good.

It's easy to say that my desire is to please Syr - it is. That said, She admits Herself that She enjoys a bit of bratting, and that ability to take me down. We both do.

And lately, with discovering this position, and the fur, and also with Syr holding me to standards of behaviour when we're alone and enforcing certain chores be done by me as a symbol of my role (IE She helps with household chores, but - the bedroom is my job, period), I find that the more D/s I 'sense' the more I push (perhaps it is a pushing from fear that it will go away or that consistently will last, or perhaps even to 'make sure' i'm not just imagining it?)

So, given that, how do W/we differentiate between doing that and me topping from the bottom or otherwise manipulating to get what I want.

I think that, a bit of 'quiet time' kneeling head-down on the fur regularly would help ground and settle me, knowing it's not just something done when I misbehave or when I ask for it - but done as a consistent reminder of my place would perhaps help us find a better balance. But then even suggesting so, feels like topping from the bottom.

Oh hell, who am I kidding? I love being owned by my Syr. I love the feeling of surrender and completion that I feel when I am in that little-space, firmly assured of my place at Her feet. I adore it. And She adores it. So why am I so worried about admitting it and expressing my delight in those things that bring me to Her feet?

Personal Service

Today's topic from Syr is to write about a new rule that She recently implemented for me to provide some small bit of personal 'service' for her every night.

I don't write about it much, anymore, but I have some pretty intense triggers to past stuff that really gets in the way of my ability to provide physical service in the 'touching' category. I love doing service things for my Syr ... but I tend to freeze up/lock up when I feel it's expected.

If Syr says "My neck is really stiff", for example, I perceive an expectation to rub it or give Her a backrub. I LOVE giving my Syr massages and backrubs, mind you, but once I feel it's expected, I can't bring myself to do it. I should point out here, though, that expectation and an order are two very different things. It's the more 'passive' type of expectation that really messes me up.

The passive "my neck hurts" locks me up in two ways: first I freeze and can't 'act' once the 'expectation' is there and then I feel guilty because I know I SHOULD be wanting to massage my Syr when She needs it especially. If She isn't directly ordering me, though, I find ways/excuses/reasons not to, and end up spiraling into a thought pattern of guilt/shame which locks me up even more.

Syr and I discussed this quite a lot the other day and the result of that discussion is that Syr is going to require some bit of personal service whether that is a back or shoulder rub, a mini mani or pedi to keep Her nails trimmed, or whatever, but some form of touch.

I have mixed feelings about this new rule. I'm really glad that Syr is finding a way to work with me on this, and to help me get past it. I'm also terrified of 'locking up' every day, too. I need firmness and I think I'm worried that I'll make excuses and that She will let me get away with that. I can't get past it if She doesn't hold Her ground so I'm afraid of that. Mostly I get nervous about failing at a task or succeeding at manipulating my way out of a task.

Syr has started instituting some strict behavior guidelines and I'm finding the minor corrections on behavior, tone, and such to be very grounding. I feel loved and cherished and very safe. But I also feel like She's pushing me a little, in that healthy and healing way that only a good Top/Dom/Master/Syr seems to know how to do right.

And I'm grateful.

Coping

Coping as a lifestyle choice vs. coping strategies forget through tough life situations.

Syr asked me to write on this topic after a heavy discussion we had on Saturday morning about certain coping tools that I have. Syr wanted to hear my thoughts on the differences between coping strategies to get through a situation or situations and coping as a way to get through life.

I think the major difference lies in the ability to learn and grow and improve your life, to take responsibility for your own happiness.

Coping as a lifestyle choice, in my opinion, is making a conscious decision to do only what it takes to get by from one moment to the next. It's like choosing to do the very minimum required to keep from going stark raving mad. It doesn't really address solutions or making changes to improve the situation so that coping isn't necessary.

I've known, intimately, people who choose to live life by coping. They tend to be unhappy, in general, and are often convinced that they have no control over their situation. Hell - for a while I was like that myself.

As I've learned, grown, developed as a person, I've discovered my ability to take responsibility for my life, my happiness, my personal well-being.

There are parts of me that feel bruised, damaged or broken. Syr often reminds me that I'm strong, that I've come a long way, and that I'm constantly improving. Sometimes I find it difficult to see those improvements, and I start to feel like certain things will never get any better. Syr finds real examples to prove that they have been and are continuing to get better.

I've developed several coping mechanisms. Some of these coping mechanisms were subconsciously developed over time to protect me from certain types of abuse or mistreatment. Some of them were to keep me from having to step outside my comfort zone. Regardless, these coping tools make me feel like I'm not 'good enough'. I feel like I am handicapped in certain areas, crippled from being able to do the things I wish I could. Syr points out that the difference between coping as a tool and coping as a lifestyle lies in my desire to overcome the things that hold me back in whatever ways that I can.

There are no guarantees but at least I know that even though it's 'coping', it's temporary.... not permanent victim-hood.

Writing again...

Thanks to some functions and Freeware that I have recently discovered on my Palm Pilot, I now have the ability to write entries just about anywhere and just copy and paste them into my blog, rather than trying to sit at my computer witth very little privacy and try to focus.

I also now have the ability to download and read RSS feeds on my palm, which means that (finally) Syr can read my posts without having to be at the privacy-less computer! This has opened up some possibilities for us. It also means probably more posting! Yay! Of course it also means that I get to finally keep up on reading my favourite kinky blogs!!! It's so hard to read them with teenage boys hovering wondering whenit will be their turn at the computer.

This intellectual 'side' of Syr and my D/s has always been important to us and, interestingly, hardest to maintain after we moved in together due to the lack of privacy.

The first is that so Syr has said that She does want to start seeing me writing on topics again. That's starting with Luna's Submissive Journal Prompts (see my blog's sidebar for the link!)

This week, I'll just respond to one, and we'll see how it goes.

Are you a perfectionist? How do you think this affects your service?

Absolutely, I am a perfectionist! And it definitely affects my service.

I am constantly worried about making sure that what I do is done 'just so'. This also means that I tend to 'serve' in any formal way at all unless I am SURE I can go all out. This means, I suppose, that Syr misses out on quite a lot of service in the long run.

I love giving Syr massages, pedicures, manicures, cutting Her hair for Her, cooking for Her, making Her coffee, etc. But I tend NOT to step in and do those things unless I can do them to the utmost. If I can't do a full blown massage with oil and go at it for a while, I don't offer. If I can't give a full foot bath with the pedicure, I don't offer.

I've never really thought that much about how my belief that "it has to go a certain way" really affects the service Syr gets from me.

It's something that I want to work on. I am sure that Syr would appreciate a backrub, even without 'the works' and I'm sure She would appreciate a pedicure, even if it was only nail care and a foot rub.

So it is definitely something I want to work on, especially since Syr and I are trying to find ways to get that D/s energy more frequently.