Cranky Girl

I'm a cranky girl this morning.

My annoying medical issue is even more annoying lately and to top that off I came down with some kind of cold/flu type thing that has just been kicking my butt for several days, now. I'm not feeling well and my nerves, the physical and the emotional ones, seem extra sensitive.

I do think I'm starting to get better because my head feels a little tiny bit clearer but the clearness seems to be coming and going. I had my appointment this morning and when I got home I came fairly promptly upstairs with my cup of tea and put my Owner's collar on and folded the laundry and picked up a few little things in the bedroom, which did seem to ground me a bit more.  I'm hopeful that I can stay mindful throughout the day and not let my bad mood get in front of me when I speak to Syr. I find I have been getting a bit snippier this week already and I'd hate to see that get out of control. So, I'm going to do what I can to be extra mindful today.

Other than that, I don't really have a lot to report, because the last week seems to have been mostly about just not feeling very well!

What a week!

It's Sunday Devotional time...

Syr and I talked about me using part of this time to review my last week of my "State of Mind" spreadsheet. I don't know that I've talked about that, here, but I will now so that I have some context to explain what I was reviewing.

So, Syr realized that a lot of times I don't seem to be aware of the patterns around my moods - what affects good and bad moods, what affects my headspace and most of all - that even days where we have an argument aren't necessarily horrible days in and of themselves. She came up with the idea - mostly because I have such a linear sort of mind - that I should create a spreadsheet to track each day and the things that affect it. The spreadsheet has been going on since January and my routine generally is that I get up in the morning before Syr and go downstairs, spend some time with our bird and update my spreadsheet for the previous day. This tool is primarily for me, not for Syr - so She just expects me to do it and believes I will start to notice patterns - what things seem to happen on "good days" and "bad days" so that I can see the relation of these things to how I perceive how good or not the day was...

The first couple of months I would rate my work day and my 'at home' time using a "good" "bad" "average" sort of rating. Then I had a bunch of columns of possible things that happen on any given day (good and bad) and would just put a Y for yes that thing happened or a N for no it didn't .... so as you can imagine... the spreadsheet got HUGE. And, because I'm linear, I noticed that I only thought about the stuff in the columns. I didn't spend a lot of time trying to add columns (or remove them) so I got sort of locked in to the options I saw. Also, I noticed that I never really wanted to call a day "bad". I tend to have an optimistic personality so I never used bad and found myself slanting everything slightly positively.

So, I asked Syr if it would be okay if I changed it up a bit, She was completely fine with it - surprisingly what i found I needed was a *less* Linear type spreadsheet. The new one gives me a space to rate (from 1-10) my time at work, my at home time, and my overall day. I find I'm more honest with this numerical system and have logged a day as low as a 4 or 5 whereas I would have called that "average" before. Then... instead of columns with preset 'things' that could have affected my day, I just have a bunch of columns that say "affected my day" and in each I'll type something I THINK may have affected my day for good or bad - anything significant or memorable. I like this new format and feel like it puts me in the position to really think about what contributed to how I saw my day, good or bad.

So now my job on Sunday's is to review the last week of entries... and I highlight the days that seemed particularly good (in green) and then highlighted in green the things I noted that affected my day that i think contributed to it being an especially good day. I also highlighted the days that seem particularly bad (in red) and highlighted in red the things that I think contributed to that day being especially bad.

I found this review process really helpful this morning - and it's the first Sunday morning I've done it. I noticed that the only two days I rated a 5 or lower, I was TOTALLY hormonal, having serious cramps, and just generally cranky - PLUS on one of those days I got some unpleasant medical news (I'm fine but dealing with a medical issue that's been inconvenient and annoying and found out I will be dealing with it for at least the next couple months, probably longer). So of COURSE my mood would be off.

Amazingly though, there were no fights between us to make note of. I found that interesting because I would have noted it if we had had even a minor disagreement where I felt tense - and there were none. This is especially cool because we've both had an unnusually stressful week. I got my medical news AND was pmsing like you know what... and my Owner was dealing with some crazy work drama that had the potential to be VERY stressful.

So, I'm actually feeling pretty proud of myself this morning. I obviously handled my moods appropriately for the most part and didn't take things out on my Owner.... and She obviously also took into account the things affecting us and was probably more patient with me overall as a result. I love seeing all this proof of the healthy ways I've learned to deal with life in general. Feels pretty good.

I have been noticing that I've been really craving some intense D/s time lately, though. Our sex life has been negatively impacted in a big way by my annoying medical issue - but I'm craving that sensation of being little in the slavey way vs. the little girl way. I don't know that I'm craving any specific manifestation of that energy. I would love a good beating, or some intense edgey play but I don't feel fixated on anything specific.

Last night, just before bed, my Owner was standing over me, Her hands on my throat and face, in my hair.... she ran Her fingers along my lips, parting them slightly teasing me but not letting me suck on Her fingers... She covered my mouth and nose and took my breath from me, twice.... and whispered low in my ear that it was bedtime. Perhaps this moment reminded me how much I have been missing moments *like* these ones - and the longer scenes and playtimes together as well.  In that way, the moment was a big tease! But I don't think it was entirely unintentional on my Owner's part to tease me in just that way. She does quite enjoy when I am wanting and aching for Her....

Sunday afternoon - Brief Thoughts

I needed to do my devotional later in the day, today, than usual because my Owner was still in bed until it was time for me to run a necessary errand. So, here I am, early Sunday Afternoon - wearing my Owner's collar and contemplating my place. ;)

I have to admit that while this week has been a whirlwind of a bunch of different things, I have noticed that the effectiveness of the "time outs" are really noticeable. For example, twice yesterday we started to get into some unpleasantness. My emotions were getting out of hand and my tone was off during a disagreement so She sent me up here for 15 minutes on two separate occasions. BOTH times, when I came up to the bedroom, I was furious. BOTH times, I felt calm and settled by the time I returned to Her and we were able to continue our conversations normally.  It is really noticeable what a difference a little bit of quiet time to breathe and calm myself can be. I become so much more rational and reasonable!

It's helpful to know that She has a Toppy tool She can use subtly (when privacy is an issue), to keep things from getting out of hand and to allow space for a reminder for me to be more mindful of my behaviour. I'm really grateful for it.

Sunday morning musings

My Owner and I have been having an interesting week.

A lot of things are starting to come together for us. Among them are a few really exciting opportunities for new hobbies and exciting work things for me that will reduce my daily stress level and leave me more time and energy to pursue my dreams. These things are potentially life altering, life transforming sort of things. I don't want to get into any great detail here but suffice to say that the Universe, as always, is taking care of us.

What's great is the way that working on these various projects and changes is giving me new ways to get outside of the little box (read: my comfort zone) that I am used to hangng out in (and hanging on TO for dear life). I'm experiencing what an exhilerating feeling it can be to venture outside of my usual boundaries and explore what's out there in the big, big world. It's kind of like a really intense roller coaster - both scary and exciting at the same time.

I feel like I am in another big growth spurt. I can envision a variety of possibilities for my future, now - whereas before I was sort of on a very linear and mundane track... trudging along, complacent to live the future I thought was "expected" of me. Expected by whom? I don't know.

Other interesting things from this week...

I got hit by some sudden flashbacky type memories and thoughts and emotions over my ex-Master. He was a significant part of my life for several years and the years were during a pretty formative part of my life. We're Facebook friends (what does that even mean, really?) and I've been noticing that some really wonderful things have been happening in his life. He has what looks to be a very loving and happy marriage with his wife/slave. He has a second slave who he seems to also have a very loving and romantic relationship with who I think now lives in his home. He has a third that I don't think he has officially collared yet and who does not live in his home but appears to be a very significant part of his life.  This sort of poly family embedded with D/s was always something he strived for - a loving family where the members of his household get along well and respect each other. It seems (from the outside anyway) that he has that. He also now owns his own home and it seems pretty nice. It looks like he got everything he always wanted. And I was filled with this huge sensation of happiness for him.

But, at the same time, I was also filled with all these mixed emotions and weird feelings. I would have never been happy in that life. Poly was something that had some wonderful happy times for me, but it was not necessarily a lifestyle I would have chosen. There were things about it I loved - like the sense of family and togetherness and belonging. But, there were things about it that I hated, too - like not being the only slave, the only love.  I knew this about myself on some level even back then - but Poly was something that allowed me to find fulfillment for different parts of myself. I had a primary partner who I was very attached to (in unhealthy ways) but who did not meet all (or even half) of my needs. But I couldn't bring myself to walk away from her. I craved D/s - and my ex-Master met that need in the capacity that He was able. I longed to explore the butch/femme dynamic - and had opportunities to date and explore with people because of the open and honest nature of my relationships. All of these things were lovely in their own way - and without any one of them, I might have felt very out of sorts. So Poly gave me the opportunity to experience these things in an honest way.

But, there was lot of heartbreak as well. I had expectations of my Poly partners that just didn't make sense within the context of polyamorous lifestyles. I wanted to feel unique and special and get my (un)fair share of time and attention from each of them. I found myself locking away my most intimate self from all of them because none of them ever made me feel 100% safe - not because they didn't try - but because I just wasn't going to ever feel safe in a polyamorous lifestyle. It wasn't a good fit for me. I am a monogomous type of girl. And I just wasn't brave enough to say that - and lose these people - each of whom brought something that felt much needed to my life.

So, seeing all this wonderful stuff happening for my ex-Master had me sort of thinking about all that stuff all over again. And with it came this sudden onslaught of guilt... like I had somehow used these people back then to fill my needs without any thought to theirs.

Syr got kinda mad at me about that.... or maybe, more accurately, frustrated. I've grown so much and yet one little line of thought can make me undermine myself and all of that growth. And, as She reminded me...  they were all using me too in the same way. It doesn't make any of those involved bad people and doesn't speak to their worth as human beings- or mine. The reality is that I must have filled some need for them in the same way they filled a need for me if they chose to stay involved with me despite my confusion and 'neediness' at the time.  And, as She also pointed out, they each had their own dysfunctions or unhealthy tendencies too. It's not like anything bad that happens in past relationships is automatically all my fault.

I explained to Her that sometimes, when I look back at the girl I used to be... before (as we like to joke about) Syr installed my backbone... I feel this sense of disdain and frustration and, yes, guilt.  It's that sensation of "if I only knew now what I knew then.." 

And when it comes to my ex-Master, I think - if I only knew now, what I knew then.... I would have probably been His friend, and we probably would have enjoyed some fun S/M scenes together (as friends), and I would have respected Him as a Top and Dominant and called Him Sir and enjoyed being around His energy, but when it came to becoming a member of His household or taking His collar, I would have said no. I would have said no because I do not have the personality to be happy in Poly. I would have said no because ultimately, I am not attracted to men - and my attraction to him had to do with his Dominance and not always him as a person. I would have said no because I deserved to find someone who could be my friend, my Dominant, my Lover, my Partner, and fill all my needs - not just one little part of me. And maybe, if I had known all these things and said no - both of us would have had a little less hurt in our lives.

BUT - as I like to remind myself regularly, without the hurts and the disappointments, and the let-downs, and the heartbreaks - where would the growth come from? I learned a great deal about what I actually want and need in a partner and in a Dominant from what I wasn't getting from my ex-girlfriend, my ex-Master, and former more casual relationships. I learned that I could be a submissive and still be myself - be true to myself - and have that be enough - that I didn't need to remake my personality to be pleasing to my Dominant.

My Owner taught me so much of this by helping me tiptoe carefully through my memories to see what could be learned. She taught me that it's okay to want or need things that your partner can't give you and that sometimes that just means that you're not with the right partner. She taught me about taking ownership of my feelings and behaviours and She taught me how to communicate my needs. She reassured me that communicating in a respectful way and asking for more of things I feel I need or less of things I feel aren't working isn't "topping from the bottom"  - it's helping Her by giving Her the information She needs.

I've come a very long way. I am so much different than who I was back then. And maybe that's hard to reconcile in my head sometimes, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't all part of the same long, beautiful journey. I wish my ex-Master nothing but joy and happiness. And I don't regret a moment of my past (or His) that helped bring us each to finding exactly what we always dreamed of.

Sunday Mornings

My Owner and I have discovered that Sundays tend to be very difficult days for me, mood-wise. It's been a challenge over the last few years to find a way to combat this unhealthy pattern I have of being combative and intense on Sundays. There's a lot of abuse in my past and we think we know why I have dreaded Sundays and seem to be in a bad mood that day of the week - but it still needs to be addressed, no matter the reason for the mood.

For a while, Syr had me doing Sunday Adventures. Sunday Adventures were basically intended to be an activity that I would choose with a $20 budget where Syr and I could go do something fun. The idea was to insert something positive to look forward to about Sundays. It worked!  Well, it worked for a long time. But after a while, as Sunday Adventures became an expectation (as they were intended), a different sort of energy started to surround them.

Instead of looking forward to Sunday Adventures, I began focusing my energy on making sure they happened - no matter what. My energy shifted from feeling grateful for them, to feeling entitled to them.... and that wasn't very healthy. I started to get cranky and intense on Sundays again, but now it was that I would get cranky if I thought anything might interfere with my Sunday Adventure. So, Sunday Adventures had to be scrapped.

But the intensity and moodiness of Sundays still needed to be dealt with. So I did some brainstorming and presented a few ideas to my Owner. What we settled on trying was a Sunday morning 'devotional' time. The intent is that I spend 30 minutes upstairs in the bedroom with my Owner's collar on, writing a post to the blog and thinking about our D/s and my role as Her beloved slave. I got pretty enthused about the idea because it is neither reward nor punishment AND inserts an element of 'ritual' into our week - and I always thrive with rituals. And, I figured... starting off the day with a dose of D/s to get my head into a much more respectful and little place would surely help!

And, now Syr has another tool to use if my mood gets off at any other point in the week. Now She can tell me to go do 15 or 30 minutes or whatever upstairs and I know that what She means is to go upstairs, put on Her collar and THINK about my role as Her slave. She can do this even if we're in the middle of an argument.... and she did it once last week - and it worked. I came upstairs and during the 30 minutes I spent thinking of my role as Her slave, I really did settle down.

So, this is my first Sunday devotional time and it feels really nice. It's quiet time for me, quiet time for Her, and I feel little and contained and cared for. I'd say that's a pretty nice way to start off our Sunday. :)

Assignment: About saying "Syr"

My Owner gave me an assignment to write about my bashfulness around calling Her Syr.

To explain...
My Owner and I began our relationship in an environment that allowed for complete privacy. We didn't have to worry about prying eyes or little ears. We had few interruptions. This environment enabled us to have some very simple, basic D/s protocols in place all the time.

For example, I almost always referred to Her as "Syr" when addressing Her.

But, as our relationship developed into one with interruptions, a heck of a lot less privacy, and more mundane concerns - I got pretty shy about it. It's not really a struggle from a respect standpoint. It's like a shyness thing, partially bred of having to be so careful so much of the time. Especially for a while when She was concerned about little ears getting the wrong idea.

I think part of what I struggle with, these days is making the shift from a vanilla form of communication (neccessary for a lot of our day due to privacy issues) to a D/s form of communication without a sudden and jarring drop to facilitate it. If my Owner drops me in the usual ways, then it's not so hard at all. But if I'm having trouble making the transition, I get super shy about saying "Syr".

For years before my Owner... I would get a thrill... a big one about of being ordered or made to address a Dominant properly. I suppose that still has its impact and maybe sometimes I stall (out of habit) for that reason. But I do really think that most of the time it is a headspace transition issue. I seem to have the hardest time when I have been in vanilla or little girl space and am suddenly finding that my Owner wants me in submissive space.

There's a lot of factors, for sure, and I think there is definitely some pro-activity lacking on my part. I don't initiate the shift to D/s space. I think that's got its origin in the same place as the part of me that needs to not initiate or be in control when it comes to sexual play. I just need to know someone else is in charge in those moments.

It's something to think about, for sure. And I'll be doing some more thinking about it.

Combative Energy

My Owner gave me an assignment for today. I was to meditate, yoga, and meditate some more - and then write about a topic of Her choosing: Combative Energy.

Well it certainly makes sense that She would want me to mediate first.... to get into a more contemplative head-space before tackling a more intense topic.

Usually, when She assigns a topic like this, it's because She wants to see "stream of consciousness" style writing - without a lot of editing or second guessing. Making sure that I'm first in a receptive frame of mind probably opens the door to better or clearer thinking, which may allow for greater insights. Guess we'll see.

I think that, by combative energy, Syr is referring to a particular mindset I get at times - fairly regularly - whenever something is going on that has me feeling at least a little bit intense.

This mindset usually involves a way of communicating I take on that is really negative. It's not mean or necessarily rude, it's more that I tend to communicate entirely in "no's" if that makes sense. I don't actually say "no". I imply a negative frame of mind or a non-supportive or argumentative stance by throwing up objections, asking questions intended to put Her on the defensive.

When I say "intended", that is how the questions are worded. It isn't my conscious intention to put Her on the defensive, but that's exactly what happens.

Example:

Syr: "Do you want to go to the store?"
me: "What for? Why do we need to go to the store?"

A non-combative energy response might look like this instead:

Syr: "Do you want to go to the store?"
me: "I'm not really feeling up to going out. If we need something, though, I'm up for making a quick trip." (or something like that).

I don't know. To me that second one still sounds a little combative. I think that's because anytime the answer to a question is truthfully "no", I don't really know how to handle that. As in, I don't know how to say no without feeling intense about it. I think that's a big part of where the intensity comes in. Because I'm uncomfortable providing a no-type answer, I feel uncomfortable about anything I'm saying, so I try to avoid saying no by challenging the question, rather than just being honest. This seems to stem from an issue I have (in general) with being blunt with my opinion if I think the other person wants to hear something different.

Syr is incredibly reasonable. She rarely gets annoyed or frustrated if I don't want to do something She wants to do. She likes the things we do to be mutually agreed upon when it comes to day to day type things. Obviously, as my Owner, there are things She will ask me to do that I don't really get a say in, but even then if there is a legitimate reason why I need to delay or can't do what I'm asked, She will always listen and make the decision best for me in the long run.

So, why am I so uncomfortable just saying words like "no" - unless I am being over-the-top playful/obviously bratty etc? That's an interesting question.

It obviously stems from not ever feeling like I was allowed to as a young person (long family history stuff there). That's the logical conclusion.

So, what do I do about it? This comes down to a situation where I am once again throwing eggshells at my own feet. The reality is, if Syr were to say "Do you want to go to the store?" and I were to say (politely) "No." and not say another word, She'd probably inquire as to why. I don't think She'd be annoyed with me. Where annoyance (and combative energy) seems to come into play is when I say "No, I mean I've had a long day and you know work was tough, and I'm still sick and I'd really rather stay home and and and and..."

Because, then it puts Her on the defensive. If I simply say no, She would surely follow up to ask why or if I'm feeling okay or whatever afterward - right?  Funny, even writing this down I don't feel confident. LOL No is just hard for me. So I seem to say everything else BUT, and that comes across so much worse. Because as SOON as I do that, Syr will get frustrated and then I'll panic that I've done something wrong and get defensive and it all goes downhill from there.

She does blunt all the time with me and it works just fine. Sometimes I get a little huffy about it, but it is usually just a tiny little blip and we move on and either discuss it further or we drop it and do something else.

Combative energy doesn't only rear its ugly head when I want to say effectively "no" to something, though. That's just one example.

Other times/ways it comes out is if I am feeling angsty in general. Sometimes this is because I have a particular expectation about something - like I got myself fixated on a particular activity, or goal for the day/evening and something Syr has said has indicated that She's taking us in a different direction, so I'll get generally combative and (not entirely consciously) throw up objections or ask the objection-ish questions like in my examples above.....

I've written about this in the past because it's that whole letting go of control thing. If I've gotten an expectation about something, or become fixated on how my day is going to play out - I'll get combative when She takes over (hello! that's Her job!) and steers us in a different direction. It's rarely, if ever, because I don't like the direction She's taking us in - it's usually because it's Her steering now instead of me, and I don't shift gears very well.

Last night is a good example. I didn't realize it at the time, but I'd gotten fixated on how the evening was going to play out. I didn't realize HOW fixated until way later when I got some distance from my bout of combative behaviour. Syr was feeling very sleepy and was steering the evening in a different direction - which is Her right and privilege as my Owner.....  and I was struggling with shifting. I unintentionally made some remarks that showed that deep down I was trying to "get us back on track". She called me on it and I denied it. I really didn't think that's what I'd been doing! But after the subject was dropped and everything was going well, I realized I was grumpy in general because my evening wasn't going how I'd planned and that's when I realized She'd been right all along.

In the end, though, we ended up snuggling together in bed and watching a show that was interesting and funny. I really enjoyed the quiet time with Her. Letting Her steer the remainder of the evening didn't hurt. It was pretty pleasurable. I just had to let go of that need to control.

It's so difficult to explain how all the things that Syr does to try to boost my confidence and make me a stronger person are so effective BECAUSE I am able to give up control. When I am grappling for control - that part of me that wants me to grapple that is - I am at my unhealthiest. When I release and let go, surrender and submit, I transform into the me I want to be. I become confident in healthy ways in the areas of my life where I want to be confident and self-possessed.  I am more self-aware and feel healthy and handle my emotions much better. When I grasp for control (whether I get it or not), I am not in a good place. Combative energy - that type of behaviour is a warning sign that I'm behaving in an unhealthy way.... because all the combative energy comes from a sudden 'urge' to be in control. And those urges don't spring from a healthy place in me. They come from a long history of abuse that I am working very hard to overcome.

And so, I've learned some things - as is usually the case when Syr gives me something to write (and think) about. :)

Thank You, Syr!

Charmed

The Guesthouse

 

This being human is a guesthouse
Every morning a new arrival
A joy, a depression, a meanness
Some momentary awareness
Comes as an unexpected visitor

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture
Still treat each guest honorably
He may be cleaning you out
For some new delight!

The dark thought, the shame, the malice
Meet them at the door laughing
And invite them in
Be grateful for whoever comes
Because each has been sent
As a guide from the beyond

by Rumi

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

I feel as though I have been adrift in a sea of uncontrollable circumstances, lately. I have met worry and sadness, disappointment and hurt, and faced a variety of tumultuous events one after the other in the last few weeks.

 

Through it all, I have remained anchored in the simple sweetness and security of my place in my Owner's life and at Her feet.

 

During the most troubling times, I have found solace in the feel of a stinging slap, the carpet imprints on my knees, the textured fabric of Her collar around my neck, and the weight of the cuff and chain at my ankle when I sleep.

 

I have faced heartbreak and fears of abandonment by loved ones who do not have space in their lives for me, but also the comfort and joy of a strong family at home. Our little family - so secure and loving, trustworthy and communicative - is my home base, and my anchor.

 

There have not been only unpleasant things of late. There has also been love - so much of it, and connection, unity and celebration for all that we have - which is all that we need. Whatever losses, dissapointments, and hurts I have experienced are small when compared to this Big Love that I am so blessed with.

 

I dedicate this post to the purity and power of love, devotion, faith, honour, and the One in my life - my beloved Owner - whose presence reminds me every day that I lead a charmed life, indeed.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Two Forms, One Soul

Happy is the moment, when we sit together,
With two forms, two faces, yet one soul,
you and I.

The flowers will bloom forever,
The birds will sing their eternal song,
The moment we enter the garden,
you and I.

The stars of heaven will come out to watch us,
And we will show them
the light of a full moon –
you and I.

No more thought of "you" and "I."
Just the bliss of union –
Joyous, alive, free of care, you and I.

All the bright-winged birds of heaven
Will swoop down to drink of our sweet water –
The tears of our laughter, you and I.

What a miracle of fate, us sitting here.
Even at the opposite ends of the earth
We would still be together, you and I.

We have one form in this world,
another in the next.

To us belongs an eternal heaven,
the endless delight of you and I.

by Rumi

 

 

 

Re-balancing

Life has been... nuts ... lately.

 

I haven't gone anywhere.

 

My Owner and I are still doing good... great even. Some new things have fallen into place lately. Syr has a day job again (after a three year hunt!) and it's an AMAZING job... so perfect for Her in every way.

 

Her other job was starting to just zap all of Her energy, and time.... and we were certainly falling into a bit of a rut. There were other circumstances too - some dental stuff Syr was dealing with, and stresses I've been dealing with as well at work and healing stuff from my past.

 

It's all coming together and things are feeling like they're headed in a super healthy and amazing direction.

 

I'm looking forward to going away with Syr in a couple weeks. We're spending a few nights away at a resort to unwind and recharge - and reconnect. Three nights of privacy.... and not a lot planned.... there's some potential for interesting things to post about later, I'd say.

Rode hard, put away wet

"Rode hard, put away wet" - I really love that saying. It just sounds dirty in all the wonderful, wonderful ways that something can.

This is exactly what I feel like this weekend, too. And it was completely unexpected!

Both my Owner and I have been a not-so-fun combination of sick and hormonal for what feels like several weeks! We weren't completely over all our stuff but we were certainly on the mend. But, rest assured, I had NO expectations for some hot, sweaty sex anytime soon....

And then Saturday happened.

Oh, Saturday....

We had this unexpected stretch of complete and total privacy at home. Not the kind of privacy that you don't know how long it's going to last but some pretty solid privacy. Still, I didn't think we were (either of us) in the mood for anything naughty.

I had no intentions of enticing or seducing my Owner (honest! no... seriously! I wasn't even in the mood), but there was something kind of fun about knowing I could safely be naked just for the heck of it. Syr and I were planning to head off to run a couple of errands and I was just hanging out upstairs, buck naked, when Syr came up to get changed.

There was no immediate pouncing but there was a wee bit of snuggling while She just enjoyed me being naked. There may have been a wee bit of bratting, and perhaps a challenge, which then turned into a playful spanking...

Which then turned into a far more serious spanking. My Owner's bare hands on my bare bottom is my absolute favourite kind of spanking. No worries about the sounds of the stinging slaps so we both got quite involved in it. Before long, She was balling up Her hands into fists and punching the fleshy parts of my ass which just ... really gets me going. It creates this deep, thuddy sensation which wakes EVERYTHING up...

So THEN... i was in the mood. And, apparently, so was She.

Before I knew what was happening, my Owner had slipped on Her cock, and some lube, and Her finger was sliding into my ass.

This is still a relatively new area of exploration for us, but one thing is certain. Ass play of any kind makes me feel insanely vulnerable and ridiculously little... and that is an effect that my Owner absolutely... positively LOVES. She enjoyed every whimper She could pull out of me with Her finger moving inside me in this way. I was trembling with vulnerability and the intensity of what I was feeling. It was luscious and frightening in all the best ways.

Still, I was almost grateful when She replaced Her finger with the plug, seating it firmly in my ass. But then, She pulled me up onto my knees, and drove Her cock into me from behind.

And I felt so full and taken, every sensation was magnified ten fold. And the best part, was there was no one else home. I didn't have to keep too quiet. I am naturally noisy, so being able to really let loose vocally just made everything seem even more intense. She fucked me like this, the plug deep in my ass, while I was on all fours... and then She flipped me on my back and fucked me from the angle that allows Her to climax as well.

She used me, hard, and I felt so taken and owned and it was all so overwhelmingly delicious!

We managed to still get out for our errands, but it was less than eight hours later, when She went for round two! A repeat of earlier that afternoon, though ultimately much gentler, since I was sore and tender. And afterward, all I remember, was falling into the deepest oblivion of sleep.

Oh yes.... I was definitely rode hard.... and put away wet. And it was... FANTASTIC!

Out of control

You know, the hardest moments to stay grounded in the reality that I am owned and not in control, are the moments that I most desperately want to "feel" (note: not actually "be") in control.

 

Several times a year, at approximately the same time, I become very.... volatile. This seems to happen around the major holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas.... and my birthday. Since the latter is just around the corner, and I happen to also be extremely hormonal, AND recently emotionally triggered, you can just imagine that I am a whole lotta fun right now. Oh my poor Owner.

 

See, when I feel out of sorts or out of control of my own mind and/or emotions - I seem to grasp for control anywhere I (think I) can get it. This means that I don't want to agree with anyone, for any reason - most especially the One who has all the Control... because I want to be the one in control (except I don't really). Is this confusing to you? Yeah, it's confusing to me too.

 

So far, I have succeeded in not picking a fight, which is pretty impressive since what I really want to do is let all those whirling emotions out somehow and picking a fight has tended to be the salve of choice to my wounded psyche in times like these. It's not a healthy outlet for either of us and I certainly don't do it intentionally but it makes a twisted sort of sense that when I'm fighting against feelings around not being in control that the One in Control would be the target of all that emotion.... so it was a status quo sorta thing that used to happen. And, to my Owner's credit, She has always had the insight and patience to recognize where this behaviour was coming from - and was able to help me come to grips with it after (and sometimes during) these episodes - which I suppose is a large part why it's easier for me to recognize and be aware of it now.

 

And so, as I mentioned, I've managed to avoid doing that, mostly by being self-aware enough to recognize my headspace and smart enough to shut up when things seem to start heading in the wrong direction.

 

What I haven't learned how to do, though, is to completely avoid being snippy and combative. Sometimes, this has seemed to amuse Her, and sometimes, annoy Her, but my ability to back off and check myself - even while avoiding backing *down* entirely, has helped to avert disaster. But it leaves me feeling ungrounded and unsettled.

 

What I feel like I want and need is someone to fight with - and lash out at, but not be hurt, so I can let out all the random emotion that's flying around inside of me. I think I feel so safe with Syr, that I tend to want that to be Her. Enter an intense craving for a take-down - a hard ass scene where I fight with everything I have and She overpowers me (physically or psychologically), and puts me in my place, and yanks the tears out of me.

 

The interesting thing is, that as much as I crave it, I also fear it.

So where does that leave me?

The little things...

I find myself noticing, and appreciating small moments between my Owner and I that are interspersed throughout our day. Amid the chaos of running our household and dashing here and there on errands or upkeep of the yard or finances, there are constant reminders of our dynamic, of the interplay of energy between us. In these moments, I often marvel at how something that might seem so innocuous to an outsider, but have enormous significance between us. Like... ~ when we're out shopping and I get a little too bratty or sassy, and She puts Her hand on the back of my neck and gives it a firm, but authoritative squeeze, reminding me of my place. It usually settles me down relatively quickly, and it certainly is powerful. ~ when we're in the car, and She wraps Her hand in the back of my hair and gives it a firm pull, just because. When She does this, it grounds me, settles my energy, and roots me to the earth - and to Her. ~ the way She tucks me into bed at night, not only the obvious moment when She fastens my sleeping collar on my neck, but the caring way she plants light kisses on my forehead right before lights go out. ~ how I always check in with Her after every decision that I have had to make that I normally would have gotten Her approval on - but couldn't for a number of circumstances. This always feels like a bit of a confessional, not of wrong-doing but of admitting that I had to make some decisions and wanted Her approval on what I've done. It's not the telling that is so powerful to me, it is my awareness that I am prepared to hear that I have behaved inappropriately - if that's the case. ~ the eager way that I get excited to share my accomplishments with Her in a "Look what i did, Daddy!" manner. She's always so genuinely proud of me when I do something that She knows is difficult for me, or when I've met a milestone or goal. This genuine pleasure in my success is what makes me feel so eager to please Her in this way. She encourages me, always, to be the strongest, best, me I can be. ~ the way She keeps an eye on me, protectively. She never stifles me in any way, but She is always aware of me and where I am - whether we're in a mall or getting ready to cross the street. To some, this might seem condescending, but I know that She is perfectly aware that I'm capable - and so Her attentiveness makes me feel safe and valued... treasured. Whether She's pointing out an obstacle on the road when I'm driving, placing Her hand in the small of my back when we're in a crowded place (aware of my claustrophobia in crowds), or automatically taking my hand when we cross the street. There are a thousand moments like these peppered throughout the time we spend together. Even when time-shortages or other circumstances prevent us from having as much 'hardcore' D/s time as we might wish, there is never a loss of connection between us, never a moment when I don't feel safe, owned, and loved. When I stop and think about it, these moments are the real 'cement' of our dynamic - and not the times when I am in my formal collar and leash, kneeling at Her feet (no matter how lovely those moments are).

Sleepy Sunday with my Owner

Well.... Sunday was a sleepy, zoney, day. It was warm outside - beautiful actually. Syr had to work from 9:30am to 2:30pm so we were up relatively early (all things considered), and I took Her to work.

 

Once She was at work, I puttered at home a bit, played on my computer, and spent a couple of hours feeling very naughty watching dirty things online... which... made me feel very... VERY naughty. ;)

 

When I picked Her up, the naughty was all over my face so She guessed what I'd been up to VERY quickly (that always amazes me!) but She had a pulled muscle in Her shoulder so I knew She was out of commission (pout).

 

Still, I gave her a long back massage and then we both fell asleep for a nap. It was wone of those warm afternoons that just makes one want to snuggle and rest.

 

After our nap, though, Syr took me to the bathroom and showered me head to toe. I hadn't washed my hair since Thursday morning because I was trying to keep my tattoos fairly dry (they were getting gently washed and salved up about 2x a day to keep them clean but didn't want them too wet) and my Owner always says it's good to let one's hair get good and oily once in a while. The shower was wonderful. It's one of my very very favourite things to do with Her. The way She washes and conditions my hair and washes me all over makes me feel like such a spoiled little slavegirl - I can hardly express how submissive it makes me feel... in that treasured kind of way *happy sigh*.

 

After showertime, we went downstairs to cook up some quick dinner (and Syr did some needed gardening work). We had dinner and then for Sunday adventure went to Dairy Queen for treats.

 

Once back home, we puttered a bit more, and then headed to bed. I knew my Owner was hurting in Her shoulder so knew I wasn't getting any, but She'd said maybe I could put on a show for Her - so I'd planned to do that, but then we were all kissing and I was all wiggly and stuff and She put my hand to Her jeans and I discovered She was packing!!! So that was a squee-moment and we ended up having an AMAZINGLY hot romp, in spite of Her shoulder, and I slept soundly (as a very contented and satiated slave should!)

 

It was a luxurious and indulgent kind of Sunday. *purrr*

Pain, and feeling so grateful

My Owner gifted me with three new tattoos this week. They were personally significant to me for a number of reasons. And while the money that paid for them may have largely come from my paycheck, and while they are not marks of slavery or submission to Her, and while they have nothing to do with Her - they still feel like gifts from Her.

It's so confusing to try to explain this, but the energy of our dynamic runs deep and isn't based on the superficial. It doesn't matter who made the money - it still feels like She is in charge of it, in spite of (or maybe because of) the fact that She never abuses the power that She wields in our dynamic and in our marriage.

Today, looking at the new marks on my body - that I love so dearly, I feel grateful... for these new gifts.... and grateful for the gift of submission that transcends assumption, stereotype, and expectation to reach a place of sweet authenticity.

I'm exactly who my Owner wants

More and more every day, I realize that I am exactly the girl my Owner wants.

It's interesting, to look at my life in this lifestyle... to look at me, in my role as a slave, a submissive, a little girl as compared to every fantasy I ever had and what those roles "looked" like to me in my head - or even from whatever I could see from within the kinky community.

The more and more authentic our D/s is, the less it looks like pop culture, like the stereotype and the more it looks like, well, us.  

It used to really bother me, like REALLY bother me, that other BDSM-ish couples might perceive me as being disobedient, bratty, out of control, and that they might look at my Owner as if She is a poor Dominant for 'letting me get away with it'. In fact, it used to give me incredible anxiety. 

But the thing is, when She wants me to behave... She puts that expectation out there, and i behave. When She wants to ALLOW me to be bratty or playful - She does. If She wants to indulge me... She does. If She wants to put me in my place... She does.

The point is that it's always up to Her what behaviour She will encourage or discourage at any given time. And I really don't care, any more, how others perceive us - because She doesn't. She isn't worried about anyone else's approval for our D/s and neither am I. 

The only one I need to please is Her. And I do. 

And that's what matters.

3 Sentences

Have I mentioned, here, that my Owner has taken over the finances in the household? I still do the administrative/management type stuff which happens to be something I do well at and enjoy the service side of - but She makes all the spending decisions. I am amazed at how good this feels and how relaxed I am about money (by comparison) as a result -- grateful.

3 Sentences

Today began with a terrible nightmare that my Owner was through with BDSM with me and was going to join up with a local club to pick out my replacement from among the current older member's adult daughters - sooooo I woke up crying. :( Syr was very reassuring (and sympathetic) and took me to breakfast at our favourite greasy spoon, which was an especially nice treat as we hadn't been in a while. We ended up having some really good "us" time which felt good and the dream was only that.

3 Sentences

I'm having a bit of a rough day. In general, the day has been okay but I tweaked my lower back bowling yesterday and it made me a bit cranky - especially so in the grocery store with Daddy earlier this evening. Thankfully, She reigned me in very quickly and all ended well.

3 Sentences

Today was not the best day ever in some regards (was very sick last night, and so a little under the weather today - and my Owner and I got in an argument that, while short, sucked) but was good in others. The good parts were getting some alone time with my Owner to go shopping and get a coffee - and the way we are able to work things out when we do argue. Knowing that She loves me, no matter what, is really wonderful - particularly on days that aren't perfect from sun up to sun down.

Private time with my Owner

Today was positively blissful. We were blessed with some unexpected alone time for almost the entire day. We don't often get opportunities like this, particularly when both of us are home and Syr doesn't have to work a weird work shift right in the middle of the day. In fact, Her shift was early this morning so She was done working by around 1pm.

When we got home, I got to work colouring eggs. I had a blast! I had some hollowed out eggs and some hard boiled eggs and made them all prettiful. It was a great deal of fun.

And then we had the house to ourselves by 3pm (ish)

To say we made the most of our time together would be a wild understatement.

First things first - my Owner took me upstairs and promptly gave me a long, luxurious, and intense spanking and paddling. She started with a cane, lightly, and then warmed me up a bit with Her hands... and then moved on to the big paddle. I always seem to lose all sense of time but it felt long and I had the freedom to be noisy - which is a rare treat. She turned the paddle sideways using it for a heavy, thuddy sensation that has left me feeling wonderfully bruised. It was fantastic. It has been a long while since my last Good Girl spanking and I was in heaven. She counted me down to orgasm several times during - and afterward pulled me into Her arms and we fell asleep in the filtered sunlight for about an hour.

After our nap, we went out to dinner at our favourite Pho place, and then back home. Within an hour of getting back home, Syr took me upstairs and fucked me absolutely silly. We had a nice shower together and then went out for dessert and coffee...

Do days get any better than this?

3 Sentences

I had a pretty good day today, even got some time in the sunshine. After work, Daddy and I went to a plant store and picked up some carnivorous plants (a venus flytrap & a butterwort) as well as some other garden goodies (strawberry plants!) and She even bought me a pretty windchime to hang over the little pond next to our patio. Now I'm just snuggling with a blanket while Daddy just has some "Daddy time".

3 Sentences

Being a good girl - is definitely all it's cracked up to be. There's something special about that type of smile Daddy gets when I'm being genuinely good and pleasing Her. It makes me feel like I am showing Her a little bit of the gift She gives me by treating me so well.... <3

3 Sentences

Had a miscommunication with my Owner tonight that could have turned into a fight but didn't. It just goes to show that staying calm and explaining one's self respectfully goes a long way. Going to bed, peaceful.

3 Sentences

My Owner took me upstairs, after work, and fucked me silly. There's something extra naughty and exciting about "daylight" sex, at different times of the day than one usually associates with a romp in the bedroom... ya know? Needless to say, in a relatively short (read: intense) bit of time, She managed to transform a stressful workday into a positively BLISSFUL evening... *happy sigh*

3 Sentences

Today was actually a pretty good day. I got a lot done at work in spite of a completely insane workload right now and Syr met me at work afterward and we got some shopping done. We made some changes to some of the ways we handle money which puts Syr in charge of a lot more of our spending decisions in a more official way and I'm really LOVING how that feels.

3 Sentences

Today, Daddy took me to the store and bought me TEN new Webkinz and TWO new Mazin' Hamsters (part of the Webkinz family) because there was a gigantic sale. Before that, I had been feeling grumpy and unsettled and was trying to figure out how to get my head on straight. These two facts are technically unrelated because Daddy didn't take me to the store because of the mood I was in - however, the end result was that being taken out for such a special treat helped me remember all the wonderful things about my life.

Obedience

So, let me get this straight.

She directs.

I obey.

Got it.

It's all easier said than done, of course, but I'm making big strides, and I feel pretty good about that. Everything I'd ever believed about 24/7 has been at least a little further from the reality than I could have expected - but the rewards of the reality are way way beyond my wildest imaginings.

It's easy to obey when we're all alone and I'm on my knees, Her collar locked around my neck and the handle of the leash attached to it, looped lazily over Her wrist.

But obeying when I'm standing in the kitchen, grumpy and tired from a long day at work when I stepped a little bit out of line with something I said and She's trying to stop a little bit of crankiness from turning into a full blown fight... well that's a different thing.

It used to feel almost impossible, and I rarely succeeded. But, lately, while it's hard - I know it can be done and I succeed more often than not. I may not succeed as much or as quickly as I would like, but it's still progress and I'm proud of it.

I'm learning (not just giving lip service to) some basic truths which are REALLY helping me in this effort...

1. She's in charge for a reason - because I trust Her - so when She orders me to drop a subject, or stop talking, or whatever, I trust that She will always, ALWAYS allow me to come back to it later - with a clear head and a respectful tone - if it is truly important to me (and She always has).

2. She has the right to speak to me more aggressively than I am allowed to speak to Her. She has the right to speak curtly, abruptly, or to speak to me in a tone that is not entirely to my liking. This does not somehow mean it is "fair" for me to do the same to Her, nor does it mean that She has been at all UNFAIR in choosing to use these forms of communication when they are necessary.

3. The reason She has this right is because I gave it to Her when I agreed to surrender to Her as Her slave. I gave Her that power because I believe She will never use it unless it is to my greater good. And I've never felt as if She's abused the Power she wields - ever. She's always been very cautious to act only for my greater good - sometimes to the detriment of Her own personal comfort. I believe in Her.

4. Life is GOOD when I obey. Not because I am 'under Her thumb' but because obeying Her means I am acting in ways that are most in harmony with my authentic self, without letting old negative programming have too much power. When I obey Her, things aren't always easy - but things certainly are harmonious. We don't argue over anything important, anyway, with rare exception - so that's not the kind of harmony I mean. I mean the kind of harmony when I know that I am being held accountable by Her and by myself to behave my best. This means that I feel better about myself, am more relaxed.... happier.

Growth is good.

3 Sentences

Today, there was an exercise in listening, and trust. It was a little thing, a change in one small aspect of how we handle the money, but I just remained open in the moment - and it all was resolved so beautifully. It is this sort of sublime surrender that makes me feel so sure of this world and my place in it.

3 Sentences

I'm absolutely thrilled to be a redhead again. I can't believe how much I missed it. Syr really wanted to see me in my natural hair color but she gave me permission to go back to red and did it for me last night - so happy!

3 Sentences

My emotions are really near the surface today. All day I've found that I get very sensitive over lots of things, way easier than normal, and tears - right there. I've managed my emotions well, considering, and am proud of that - but ready for things to normalize, now.

3 Sentences

(The 3 Sentences exercise hasn't been abandoned completely, but most days I do daily writing of a much longer variety for my Owner's eyes only - which has been really good for me.)

I triumphed over hormones and a crappy day and remained obedient and mindful. It feels really really good to be such a good girl for my Owner. I have been rewarded with a very happy Owner (and the priveledge of a couple glasses of wine this evening). :)

Earning Her collar... again

My Owner and I recently went through a challenging few days. It was instigated by a backslide in my behaviour. I am often a rather bratty slavegirl at the best of times and when life dictates that we act fairly vanilla due to lack of privacy, I had gotten in the habit of being especially careless and especially unaware of my behaviour as it pertains to our dynamic. This escalated Monday of this past week when both Syr and I were sick, pretty sick actually, and so we were both out of sorts and not ourselves. I ended up picking a fight over something ridiculous when Syr was really really really not feeling well. She gave me every opportunity to be more aware, She communicated Her limits and boundaries very clearly but I just motored on through anyway. The result was swift action on Her part and an announcement that I needed to do some serious thinking about Her collar and the D/s between us and what it meant - and that it applies all the time and not only when it's convenient. Essentially, I had lost the privilege of Her collar for the time being.

This, obviously, threw me into a bit of a tailspin, but what was really amazing was that I did not actually panic for very long. Sure, I panicked, I wallowed, I stayed in bed way, way too long the following morning feeling depressed and sorry for myself.

But, what happened shortly after I got out of bed surprised us both. I started to relax.. and the sensations in my mind, heart, and body was suddenly not fear - but trust! I realized that my job in this process was to learn - not to fret about the future, that was my Owner's job. And so, without Her collar, for the time being, I set to my task. I wrote a great deal during that time, pretty private and intense stuff. I wrote what I was feeling and thinking and what I realized about my recent behaviour and as I wrote, new awarenesses rose to the surface. I realized that I had been compartmentalizing my behaviour - isolating the good from the bad, convinced that when I was good - that was good, and when I was not good, that was not good, but never looking at my behaviour as a whole. I realized I also had done that with my Owner. When She was doing obvious things to assert Her ownership, She was being dominant, but when She wasn't, She was still my Owner but I didn't perceive or treat Her EXACTLY like my Owner... if that makes sense.

And shortly after THAT, I realized something else that I never expected. Even though I was without Her collar, the D/s seemed to still be there. I realized that formalities completely stripped away, what remained was that She still seemed to be in charge and I still seemed to be obeying and eager to please Her. Every thing that She said or did was geared towards guiding or teaching me, with love - and everything I did seemed to be about being a good girl (in the healthy sort of ways). Even the way that She had gone about removing the collar to "teach me a lesson" was a teachery, loving Dominant, thing to do. I realized that collar or no collar - I was still very much owned and She was still very much my Owner.

The important thing to note about our relationship is that it began as a D/s friendship with benefits (overly simplified way of putting it but accurate enough to make my point) and then we fell in love. The D/s and love/romantic-relationship were intertwined from the very beginning. She collared me just a day or two before She went down on one knee to propose to me, engagement ring in hand. And over the course of our relationship and marriage, the D/s has integrated in such a way that it has seeped into even the most innocuous of romantic gestures. She is such a loving and gentle Dominant, always concerned with my greater good. Everything She encourages, pushes, or orders me to do are things that will benefit me - sometimes while inconveniencing Her. Some of these things could feel vanilla, I suppose, but knowing Her as I do, they are the ways that She asserts Her ownership. And I thought of all of this during this break from D/s and realized that this break from D/s was no break at all. I felt uncomfortable without the formalities, the trappings and I was saddened that I had taken so much for granted and hurt my Owner, and I was disappointed that it had taken such a drastic step to wake me up - but within me was a growing confidence.

I'd spent so long trying to live up to my expectations of myself as Her slave that I stopped giving myself credit (and Her credit) for all the ways we make this work in loving and healthy ways every single day. A lot of my bad behaviour was insecurity and fear-driven. Like, some part of me didn't think I deserved to be Hers. And now that I was without the collar I'd never really felt I deserved, I suddenly realized I absolutely deserved it... that I was absolutely Hers - collar or not.

So two days, solid, of thinking and writing about all of this was a big part of the process. I didn't share those writings with Her, because I didn't want to inadvertantly influence or end up subconsciously manipulating Her while I worked through everything (not that She'd let it, but I needed to know that the writing and learning I was doing was genuine and not coming from a place of "telling Her what She wanted to hear"). And then, on the eve of the second day, I told Her - "I still belong to You." It wasn't a question.

She looked at me, and I could see that "happily surprised" look on Her face. She walked right up to me and said - "Are you sure?". And I said "Yep". And She made a crack about how I was very thick headed and that it was amazing I finally got that after five years. The next day, after some more writing and checking in with myself, I decided that I was ready to ask for Her collar back. I did that, that evening, which would have been Wednesday night. I knelt at Her feet and asked for it back. One of the things She asked me before answering me was "Do you finally feel like you have earned it? that you deserve it?" And I nodded quietly and whispered, "Yes, Syr".

And it's the truth.

I slept in Her collar and chain that night for the first time since Sunday and slept very confidently and calmly. A new level of trust had been reached, taking my submission to Her so much deeper than I ever realized it could. Ever since then, being good is easy. Obeying, is easy. Being mindful, is easy. So many things that seemed hard and complicated before now seem natural. I realized that a lot of my push-back and brattiness (not the cute kind of bratty of course) was a form of constant pushing for reminders that She was in charge. I don't need that anymore. Going a couple of days collarless made me so aware of just how often I am reminded every single day - reminders I'd started taking for granted so long ago - that I am owned.

We had a lovely quiet evening on Thursday night and I spent much of it just sitting at Her feet. She allowed me to wear my dress collar, the one that locks on, that night and again last night.

Last night, She had me make a nest of blankets and pillows (and clean laundry that hadn't yet been folded) and I slept on this nest on the floor next to the bed. Having me sleep on the floor is something She'd wanted to do for a while and it was the perfect night for it. I slept down there, one ankle chained to the bed, my dress collar on, and felt so loved and contained and safe. I awoke feeling so very little.

After coffee, my Owner ordered me up to the bathroom with Her, and She pulled me into the shower with Her and She washed me from head to toe. She gently washed and scrubbed my face. She washed my hair, twice, and rinsed every bit of soap off of me Herself. She dried me with the towel and snuggled me in bed after and I felt so divine, so loved, so cared for.

I know that She is proud of how I handled all of this. I know that She was happily surprised just how much I learned and was able to take away from the experience and most of all, I know She is so pleased that I finally feel so much more secure - so much more worthy of Her collar - and of Her in general, and it feels good to be good. It feels good to feel worthy. It feels good to be Owned.

Satisfied

I'm absolutely one hundred percent positive that I have felt this satisfied before, but to be completely frank, i can't remember, exactly, maybe because I'm feeling so damn good right this very moment. ;)

Last night, after writing, I had to take my Owner to work and then begin the torture. I decided to snag Rosie because she is small and would fit in my pajama pocket and could be easily hidden if I was struck by a sudden loss of privacy.

Rosie is a small, fits great in the palm, battery operated vibrator, one of the very few small vibrators that don't suck, but then I have always been a huge fan of Fun Factory products. ;) This particular vibe is great because it doesn't look particularly naughty, has a bunch of fun settings, and has that nice smooth round top so I can just set it in the right spot and leave it.. After all, if I was going to have to masturbate (but not cum) once every thirty minutes for a minute at a time, this seemed the logical choice.

So I did that every thirty minutes for a minute - using my iPod stopwatch app to keep track, and I must say that a minute was too short. It wasn't long enough to get me close enough to be as torturous as I think my Owner had intended. I blamed Rosie's passivity for this and so for the last three or four sessions, I used my fingers instead, trying to focus really hard on trying to get close to cumming.... this was more torturous but the minute was still too short. Maybe two minutes, if I was really focused, or three if I was using Rosie would have been more effective - in the way that my Owner wanted it to be effective, I should say. Though I do give myself major good girl props for trying to torture myself at the level I knew my Owner expected. *pats self on back*

In any case, suffice to say, that after an entire evening of torturing myself, I was REALLY glad to see my Owner when the time came to pick Her up from work. And She seemed to be in a particularly good mood when She got in the car. It was obvious that She was enjoying the hell out of torturing me! Then, I went and admitted that I still had Rosie in my pocket. I'd been in a rush to get out the door to be there on time and didn't want to run back upstairs to hide Rosie away. I don't know why I mentioned it, I guess I thought She'd be amused. I did not expect Her to ask me to pull over, and instruct me to put Rosie back between my legs (thankfully over my clothes), and then had me continue to drive.... to McDonalds.... go through the drive through... order a snack for us to share.... pay... the whole bit.... it was actually pretty difficult. I was so worked up already, and trying to keep a straight face and not let my arousal show on my face as I placed our order... was no small feat.

Thankfully, She allowed me to remove it shortly after leaving McDonalds. ;) But when we got home, I wanted to go straight upstairs (no passing go!) and that, we did.

To my relief, She asked for Ripper and the thigh harness. There's something about that combination that is so incredibly intense. Ripper has so much texture and is the perfect length. Combining the thigh harness which allows my Owner to use more force and pressure and the angle of using Her leg allows Her to get so much deeper made me absolutely crazy!

I was begging before long, it was so intense, and She gave me permission to cum, and then ordered me to cum again and again and again until I didn't think I could again. I grabbed Rosie, wanting so badly to cum clitorally while She was fucking me, but I was having issues... nothing was working the way I wanted... not to mention that I was ridiculously slippery. So after commanding several more internal orgasms from me, my Owner used Her fingers... I was so grateful... and She made me cum so fast and hard... and then She kept going! She has this trick that makes me feel like She has three fingers all on my clit at the same time, stimulating it from different angles... and once She started doing that, with me still overly sensitive from already having had several orgasms, I went crazy... I was almost too sensitive, but She wouldn't let up. She ordered me to cum again and again... and again... i was pleading with Her to stop, that I didn't think i could cum again but every time I was sure my body just could not or would not allow ANOTHER one, She ordered it - and I did it.

I passed out briefly.... but She woke me up.... just long enough to wrap me up, snuggle me close, and hold me until I fell fast asleep.

It's no wonder I woke up in such a fantastic mood!!

Clothed

I am so bloody horny I can barely see straight. Where did that come from?

Oh yeah, it came from last night -- no pun intended.

So I am always frisky but was definitely frisky last night and my Owner was feelin' pretty good, or seemed to be, and so She was putting off all those "i'm gonna have some woman later" sorta signals and so a good portion of my evening was spent in anticipation of some naughty time later that night. We played some video games together and had great conversation and She's all walking around commando, in blue jeans, and a beater, looking all kinds of sexy.... did I mention I have a big thing for hands.... forearms.... biceps.... and shoulders? Arms... really it's arms... top to bottom it's alllll arms. Anyway, there's a look about Her that's so classic when She's wearing that. Not having boxers on underneath Her jeans just makes Her look a little more rustic in a way. Sexy..... knowing that it's only one layer between me and Her. I don't know... it's a thing... and the way She looks walking around in a beater, the way it highlights Her shoulders. Geesh... I just kept looking at Her like a piece of meat all night long. Who knew that it was possible to be this attracted to someone. *happy sigh*

Anyway, bedtime rolls around and I shut off my computer and get ready. We head upstairs together and She announces that She's going to fuck me silly with Goldy, the giant cock. Now, we haven't used Goldy in a while because we're both big fans of Ripper, now... with all its many ridges and bumps. Goldy is smooth... but big.. thick...and heavy and long. Well, I know my eyes got big at that. She teased me a bit more, about that, asking me which cock I wanted. I really don't like having ot pick and admitted as much. I love them both for different reasons and it HAD been a while since I'd felt Goldy but I couldn't really tell which I wanted in that moment... but She decided Goldy, so Goldy it was.

Then She seemed to have some kind of epiphany ... mentioned how it was too bad She hadn't thought to strap up before She got dressed. She watched me carefully for a reaction and I tried to keep my face smooth, not that it worked. No, for me, there is something incredibly hot and incredibly erotic about being absolutely naked, and being fucked by someone who is completely dressed... particularly when "dressed" includes blue jeans. Well, I obviously must have had a visual *perk* on my face because She strapped up and pulled Her jeans back up - and then put on Her leather jacket.

Oh. My. God.

Maybe it's a stereotype, but even if it is - it's one we both enjoy. A hot, sexy butch, my butch, my Daddy, my Owner in blue jeans, a beater, a leather coat, jeans unbuttoned and one of those strong butch hands wrapped around a thick cock..... is there ANYTHING as sexy as that? Well, maybe there is - but not if you're me. ;)

So there She stood, just oozing butch strut, and I couldn't take my eyes off of Her, or off of the cock She was wearing, supported by Her hand wrapped around it. I took it all in, getting weak in the knees, and Her other hand reached out and grabbed my hair, which pretty much finished the job, and my knees buckled, both because they were just DONE and because of the pressure my Owner exerted on the back of my head with that handful of hair....She guided me down, and with a single command, "open", claimed my mouth with that huge cock.

In seconds I was whimpering, clawing at the denim of Her jeans with my hands, and She had me on my back on the bed in short order after that, and before I could think or breathe, She was over me, inside of me, taking me.

Goldy was silky smooth, but so heavy and deep. I luxuriated in it, but I also luxuriated in the feeling of vulnerability. Feeling Her, clothed, layers between us, and feeling (and smelling) Her leather jacket... grabbing it with my hands, clawing at Her... it was incredible. There's something that makes me feel so submissive when I'm in that position, naked while She is fully clothed, but still fucking me. I love grabbing at Her jeans or Her ass as it peeks out, Her jeans getting scooted down lower as She fucks me. It's hot. Really hot.

She fucked me good and well last night and i came so hard. And I swear... it's all I could think about today. Now I'm extra aroused, more so than before, like having a taste of something so sweet, and the way it makes you crave even more.

I admitted this to my Owner this evening, silly me. Now I have to take Her to work for a four hour shift. I've been instructed to play with my clit for one minute, every half-hour, until it is time to pick Her up from work again. If I forget, or miss any, She'll beat me. She knows this means that I am going to be an absolute wreck (already am, but even more so) by the time I pick Her up from work. *tremble*

She hasn't given me these sort of instructions for a while, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I am completely affected by it. I feel very owned, and very, very, very much in need of more of Her.....

Take Down

That was fun. I was playing in the dirt with Daddy. Well not exactly playing. LOL We were doing a bit of prep work in the garden. We have two garden areas where we grow veggies and stuff every year and the weather is just starting to improve enough that we need to take advantage of these breaks in the weather to get things ready to go. This year that involves pulling up some of the old stuff and laying the area with plastic to kill all the old weeds and stuff that are lingering there. It turned out that we only had enough plastic to cover one of the two garden areas. It still felt like we accomplished a whole lot. Daddy has said this year I am going out with Her to work with Her (or at least keep Her company) every time She is working in the garden this year when I am home. I like it a whole lot once I'm out there so I think this is a really good thing. I just tend to err on the side of lazy. LOL But I do very much enjoy being out in the fresh air and stuff, so I think it's a good plan.

Our D/s has been in a bit of a lull lately. It's not felt bad, though, if that makes sense. It's been feeling just fine. I think I feel comfortable and confident enough to know, now, that when we experience these natural lulls it is not a reflection on the relationship or the strength of our D/s connection but rather a natural bit of downtime usually caused by circumstances outside of our control. In this case, the primary cause has been some drama and stress with Daddy's workplace, and the tennis elbow (tendonitis) that She has been dealing with.

But, last night, I was craving being "little" again, and I really wanted to end up little in the biggest, baddest, most intense way humanly possible. I just get those cravings now and then, for something hard... harsh... intense. I was also having a lovely date with Daddy, though and was in a fantastic mood - as was She. I got bratty, in the humorous kind of ways, and was teasing Her, playfully challenging Her. On the car ride home, though, She made it clear She had me all figured out. She knew I was goading Her into a take-down. So, She refused to give it to me. I pouted. I pouted a lot. But, then I got over it (so to speak) and settled down. Once I settled down and let go of my expectations (and had parked the car), She took a big handful of my hair, pulling very tightly, and very quickly reminded me of my place.

I had a few moments of kneeling at my Owner's feet before we went on to other activities for an hour or so, though She allowed me to wear my collar on my wrist (a subtle way of wearing it when we have a bit less privacy). Then I got to cut Her hair, quite short, just the way She knows I love it, and we bathed together. I loved having Her in front of me in the bathtub, leaning back, while I washed Her by hand. There is something so completely sensual about bathing together, about washing Her like that. It put me in a soft and submissive place that I loved.

After the bath, we ended up in the bedroom, talking. And then, after moving my collar from my wrist to my neck, She fucked me. But it wasn't just that She fucked me, it was the WAY that She fucked me. She maintained every bit of control over the entire account from beginning to... end. She brought me to the edge of oblivion again, and again, and again - each time driving me farther until I was teetering on the edge, almost about to fall over... not entirely sure. I was begging, pleading to cum but all she said was "breathe"... "just breathe". Sometimes when She said that, She would back off, slow down, give me some room to actually breathe. But at a certain point, she didn't back off. She wouldn't give me permission to cum, but She also wouldn't slow down. Instead, She sped up, challenging my ability to comply, to obey in spite of the overwhelming sensations taking over my entire body. Finally... finally, she gave me permission to let go.... to let it all go... for Her...

And I did.

Zoney, sleepy, drained girl

Both Daddy and I are really drained, today. We're both coming down off the holiday 'highs'. some of those high's are good (excitement! lights! presents! friends! candyyyy!) and some are not so good (bills! family drama! stressy micromanagey little girls (that's me)! obligatory visiting!). But, for the most part it's not so much about what *type* of high energy, it's about the fact that there's just been so darn much energy.

It also doesn't help that it's winter, it's cold, it's dark super early in the day, and is essentially snuggle/hibernate season.

So, today we're both kinda useless. LOL We're playing some video games and just generally hanging out being vegetables. The one nice thing is that we both have periods of feeling like this and they (usually) coincide, so we just relax in our vegetableness and it doesn't create any weirdness between us.

Bad girl blogger

I will be the first to admit that I am a very bad girl when it comes to blogging! I was on a roll of consistency with my 3 Sentences Tumblr posts that Syr assigned me and then I got distracted (I'm a natural-borne scatterbrain) and the consistency fell by the wayside.

Syr's gone very easy on me where this is concerned for multiple reasons, not the least of which is the fact that I get a little bit anxious and angsty and unsettled and just generally 'off' around the holidays which means starting around mid-November all the way until after New Years. Let's just say that the holidays from my childhood involved a great deal of anxiety and stress and shades of that still colour my behaviour around this time of year. I'm blessed to have an Owner who not only recognizes and 'gets' this, but who seems to know exactly what I need during those times. Sometimes, I need to be pushed really hard to be responsible and aware of my behaviour. Sometimes, I need a gentle hand and to be held and allowed to cry and be messed up. Sometimes, I need to be guided gently to think about what's going on around me and sometimes, I just need a 'break' from thinking about it. She seems to always know what is needed and when and I feel very supported, but I also feel badly when I let things like this fall by the wayside because I'm too preoccupied with my own stuff.

So, to catch up. More and more, I find that even in our 'off' times, the D/s remains a consistent undercurrent to all our activities. This has been very apparent as Syr is recovering from a repetitive motion injury which has made things (like sex!) difficult. I am surviving, of course, but a little needier than usual as a result of the, necessary, break from more rigorous activities. I'd be lying if I didn't say that this bit of a necessary dry spell wasn't making me just a wee bit cranky at times, but I would not want Her to hurt Herself just to keep me feeling well tended to... and I'd be a pretty piss-poor wife, let alone slave, if I couldn't be understanding and do my best to care for her and reassure her that all is well - and well... it is! She is healing, slowly, and I do not feel we have suffered any loss of intimacy. Syr and I have that intimacy thing down pat! We talk and touch and snuggle and kiss and stuff all the time.... which makes the rest easy. She's certainly enjoyed a bit of the torture factor though. lol.

But, that brings me to the super exciting and awesome Christmas gift, She got me. Christmas Eve as we were getting ready for bed, She had me kneel and put my sleeping collar on - like usual. She asked me who owned me, and I replied that She did.... and then She had me close my eyes. When She had me open them again, She was holding a present for me!! I opened it up, pretty nervous, and found a catalog to our favourite (adult) toy store! But inside, was a gift certificate. OoOooOOoooo I get to pick out a new cock! WOO!

And then there was.... ANOTHER present... this one was softer. I opened it up and it was a brand new THIGH HARNESS. *fans self* Omg, the hotness. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea of a thigh harness. There's something really hot about it, to me. Syr one night made a makeshift thigh harness by being creative with Her existing harness and we had a lot of fun with it. This was a super thoughtful gift because She'd remembered how badly I wanted one for Her to use even though I'd forgotten. :-) The only downside was that we discovered that it didn't accomodate Goldy the giant supercock She usually uses on me. It did accommodate a smaller cock we already own. The fun will be picking out a new cock that will work in either harness/for either purpose and be super fun.

I can't wait to go shopping!

Long time, no post!

It's been ages since my last post. Okay, I suppose a couple of weeks isn't ages, but it sure feels like it. Things with my Owner are very good, but there have been some difficult days in the last couple of weeks. This time of year tends to mess with my head a lot, thanks to lots of family 'baggage' from my childhood (yay! /sarcasm). Anyway, apparently at this time of year, like clockwork, I start picking silly fights with Syr, which is really counterproductive and just generally sucky for both of us.

Syr is, understandably, low on patience for this behaviour and I end up feeling really guilty when I subconsciously seek my emotional release in this manner. Thankfully, we had one bad day, one semi-bad day, and one mildly annoying day and that seems to have ended this year's streak. Two big things I'm working on are first, listening really really carefully (not just 'hearing' but really listening), and stopping when told to as Syr only tells me to stop or calls a halt to a conversation when it's in an unhealthy place. She never ever silences me or my opinions unless there is something dysfunctional going on - and I can always see that *after the fact* so I'm working on trusting more in the moment so I can remember that when I'm in full-on rant mode (or whatever the case may be).

So far, it seems to be working and even though I've had some fairly intense emotional days, they haven't resulted in picking any fights (at least not successfully) and so peace is maintained and we are both happier and healthier. Today is a rough day thanks to triggers but none of that is bleeding out in unhealthy or snarky behaviour - so I'm proud of that.

Sometimes it's the little successes that make the biggest difference.

Getaway

Syr and I had a getaway last weekend. It was just Her and I at a hotel room for an entire weekend. We both had the Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off so it was some really nice connecting time.

Our weekend began when She took me to the local aquarium. We hadn't been in a while and I had a coupon. We had a great time, though we got there just a little over an hour before it closed. We got to see the giant octopus who was, for a change, not hiding and actually swimming around a bit - which I thought was supercool. We checked out our favourites, but then as the aquarium was announcing the closing, we went to check out the Belugas. No one else was around, and the one beluga, still a baby, was PLAYING with a nearby bird. It was the coolest thing. The bird was hopping along the walk at the edge of the pool in the trainer area and the beluga would roll onto her side and wave at the bird... then the bird would hop along to a new spot and the beluga would follow it. It was incredible! You just don't get to see that sort of stuff when there are crowds of people and trainer-led shows.  We also happened by the sea otter area and got to see the otters munching on whole crabs. Usually they eat tidy little fish during the shows but they each just had a big ol' crab on their bellies and were munching away.  It's interesting the type of things you can see when the tourist crowd dies down a bit.

After the aquarium, we headed to the hotel and got checked in.  We got food not long after that and did some playing in the hotel casino. When we got back to the room, I remember casually taking off my clothes and kneeling next to my Owner. She asked me what I wanted, wanting me to say it, and I asked to wear Her collar, the fancier one that I only wear on occasion as it's rather bulky. She obliged and clipped the leash to it as well.  This was how the weekend began and from then on, anytime we went back to our room to stay for a while, I would take off all my clothes except my panties and kneel while Syr put on my collar and leash. She'd keep hold of the leash handle unless She was sending me to go get something or to the bathroom, in which case the leash handle wold be looped over my wrist.

We had... some outstanding.... sex... of course.  Syr had been teasing me for a week prior - lots of torture and torment and no permission granted to orgasm.

But also...I asked for (and got) a good girl spanking. One nice thing about a hotel stay is that an over-the-lap good old fashioned spanking is actually pretty noisy and we don't have enough privacy at home to indulge in that particular treat very often, so it is what I most crave when we do have the opportunity for more privacy. Thankfully, I'd been a good girl and so Syr didn't mind giving me what I'd craved.

We didn't have super heavy scenes... but what we did have was some amazing reconnecting time. What felt the best, quite honestly, was that simple ritual of removing most of my clothes, and kneeling for Her collar, and snuggling in bed with Her, while topless... feeling skin on skin... talking.... the simple reality of being Hers.

It turned out to be a weekend with more talking than sex, more gentle touches than rough ones - but it was exactly what we needed and wanted.

What I treasured most about that weekend was the simple, natural elegance of our dynamic. We didn't have to talk about what we were going to do, plan it, or decide the protocols - they just happened. And so, we've taken some of that away with us.

Once the weekend was over and we were settled in back at home, I just automatically began continuing the same ritual.  Now, when we go to our bedroom at night to prepare for sleep, I remove all my clothing except my panties (unless it's cold or I'm fatigued/shivery and ask permission to wear more), and I kneel quietly and wait for my Owner to snap my sleeping collar around my neck. I ask for permission to climb into bed and wait for it to be granted before I move.  Once in bed, my Owner attaches the cuff around my ankle that is chained to the bed.

I really get so much out of little rituals like this. And so our getaway provided a longer term little gift to us as well - one that we are both enjoying very much.

Hee hee

I stole Daddy's cereal.

Hee hee.

Daddy made Herself a snack.... granola with peaches and a little bit of half and half... and it was yummy so i begged for a bite. Then She gave me some... then She let me hold the bowl... then I sorta stole the whole shebang..

In my defense... once She saw me enjoying it, Daddy said I could eat as much of it as i wanted before giving Her bowl back.

She just laughed at me when i gave it back empty.

I was hungry!

Service

The other day, my Owner advised me I would be giving Her a foot rub. It wasn't anything particularly out of the ordinary. Rather, it was a fairly mundane request. Syr is on Her feet a lot for Her work and has recently discovered (after years of not being fond of having Her feet touched) that She quite enjoys a gentle foot rub.

Syr was relaxing on the bed, reading a book, and I knelt on the bed and asked if She would put on my sleeping collar before I began. She agreed and snapped it around my neck before relaxing back with Her book.

A strange thing happened when I began working on Her feet. It was quiet in the bedroom, and Syr was quiet, too - as She read. I felt like I was part of the room... a possession, treasured - but owned. I just melted into it, surrendering, and it was so meditative - so soft.

I wasn't anxious and waiting to be acknowledged or spoken to. There was this quiet acceptance on both Syr and my parts. This was just a part of the day, and that was what made it hot and powerful... in all its subtlety. Every once in a while, my Owner would glance over the top of Her book and grin at me in this very cocky way that would give me tingles.

And I realized, in that moment, that this was service, in the truest sense of the word.

Stand Up. Sit Down. Stand Up.

The other day, Syr decided in the midst of a conversation where I was being a bit sassy, that I needed a bit of an attitude adjustment. I can't remember what the conversation was about, but I remember that Syr shot me a look and then told me to stand up.

I looked at Her a moment, confused, and She repeated Herself: "Stand up."

So, I stood up but She didn't say anything more about it before going back to the conversation. I was being a bit oblivious but a few moments later, She said: "Sit down."

I sat down and the conversation continued but then, again, still somewhat oblivious to what was prompting that silliness, She had me suddenly stand up again. I was starting to clue in that something about my tone or the way I was expressing myself wasn't entirely appropriate and that the stand up/sit down exercise was intended to make me aware of it.

After a couple more stand up and sit downs, my whole demeanor changed and I felt very little, very vulnerable, and very corrected. We didn't discuss it or analyze it afterward. But it was a simple and direct reminder that She is in charge - and that I will obey Her.

A couple of days later, She did this again. In a way it makes me feel almost a little silly, but part of the way it makes me feel reminded and corrected IS feeling a little silly. It's kind of like the way in movies or books a teacher might haul a kid up to the front of the class when they've misbehaved. I felt attention drawn to me, even if we're alone. I feel exposed.

But part of the effectiveness, I feel, was in the way She simply injected it into the conversation, into the day, without pausing to make it all about that. Instead, it was merely background... inconsequential... not giving me "attention" per se, but instead exercising Her authority simply and because She can.

Effective.

Whimper

My Owner is torturing me.

*pout*

Last night, She decided it would be fitting (no pun intended) to send me to bed, filled, without permission to have an orgasm.

She decided this after basically asking me pointed questions, and demanding my honesty, about what I thought about the idea. Now, in my own defense, I'd like to point out that I knew it would be torturous, but I couldn't help admitting (because it was/is true!) that it also sounded hot. It also sounded like something that would put me in my place - asserting Her ownership in such obvious ways always does.

I'm not sure if that wasn't the most evil part! Because, while my Owner could have done this to me without my consent - making me first admit that some part of me wanted it only adds to my torture. Because now I can tell myself that I asked for this! What a mindfuck that is...

So, yes, last night Syr sent me to bed with a cock, and not a terribly tiny one either, seated deep inside me. Panties and jammy pants put on over top to help hold it in. And after nudging it with Her knee a few times... and Her hand.... until I was wanting and aching with the need to just be fucked with it... to cum.... THEN She tells me to relax and breathe and go to sleep.

But, She never said She couldn't cum....

So laying next to me, Her fingers started moving on Her own body... and I was so worked up that I just wanted, no... needed... to serve Her in this way. So, I replaced Her hand with mine (with Her consent of course) and bringing Her to orgasm only made me feel all the more owned, all the more sure of my place as Her slave. She shuddered with release while I trembled with need - and then we both went to sleep.

This morning, I woke up aching like crazy. When She removed the cock without using it on me, I cried with need. It was challenging. I've spent the day hyperaware of the burning desire between my legs and yet it's also made me feel very, very little and very owned.... very much not in control and very contained.

Just now, Syr mentioned what She might put inside me for sleeping tonight. I'm all nervous about the thought. Admittedly, I assumed She had intended to make me cum tonight, but now I'm not so sure. She says She hasn't decided yet.

I'm trying to be patient. If I beg now, the answer will surely be no.

Patience..... not my strong suit.