Private time with my Owner

Today was positively blissful. We were blessed with some unexpected alone time for almost the entire day. We don't often get opportunities like this, particularly when both of us are home and Syr doesn't have to work a weird work shift right in the middle of the day. In fact, Her shift was early this morning so She was done working by around 1pm.

When we got home, I got to work colouring eggs. I had a blast! I had some hollowed out eggs and some hard boiled eggs and made them all prettiful. It was a great deal of fun.

And then we had the house to ourselves by 3pm (ish)

To say we made the most of our time together would be a wild understatement.

First things first - my Owner took me upstairs and promptly gave me a long, luxurious, and intense spanking and paddling. She started with a cane, lightly, and then warmed me up a bit with Her hands... and then moved on to the big paddle. I always seem to lose all sense of time but it felt long and I had the freedom to be noisy - which is a rare treat. She turned the paddle sideways using it for a heavy, thuddy sensation that has left me feeling wonderfully bruised. It was fantastic. It has been a long while since my last Good Girl spanking and I was in heaven. She counted me down to orgasm several times during - and afterward pulled me into Her arms and we fell asleep in the filtered sunlight for about an hour.

After our nap, we went out to dinner at our favourite Pho place, and then back home. Within an hour of getting back home, Syr took me upstairs and fucked me absolutely silly. We had a nice shower together and then went out for dessert and coffee...

Do days get any better than this?

3 Sentences

I had a pretty good day today, even got some time in the sunshine. After work, Daddy and I went to a plant store and picked up some carnivorous plants (a venus flytrap & a butterwort) as well as some other garden goodies (strawberry plants!) and She even bought me a pretty windchime to hang over the little pond next to our patio. Now I'm just snuggling with a blanket while Daddy just has some "Daddy time".

3 Sentences

Being a good girl - is definitely all it's cracked up to be. There's something special about that type of smile Daddy gets when I'm being genuinely good and pleasing Her. It makes me feel like I am showing Her a little bit of the gift She gives me by treating me so well.... <3

3 Sentences

Had a miscommunication with my Owner tonight that could have turned into a fight but didn't. It just goes to show that staying calm and explaining one's self respectfully goes a long way. Going to bed, peaceful.

3 Sentences

My Owner took me upstairs, after work, and fucked me silly. There's something extra naughty and exciting about "daylight" sex, at different times of the day than one usually associates with a romp in the bedroom... ya know? Needless to say, in a relatively short (read: intense) bit of time, She managed to transform a stressful workday into a positively BLISSFUL evening... *happy sigh*

3 Sentences

Today was actually a pretty good day. I got a lot done at work in spite of a completely insane workload right now and Syr met me at work afterward and we got some shopping done. We made some changes to some of the ways we handle money which puts Syr in charge of a lot more of our spending decisions in a more official way and I'm really LOVING how that feels.

3 Sentences

Today, Daddy took me to the store and bought me TEN new Webkinz and TWO new Mazin' Hamsters (part of the Webkinz family) because there was a gigantic sale. Before that, I had been feeling grumpy and unsettled and was trying to figure out how to get my head on straight. These two facts are technically unrelated because Daddy didn't take me to the store because of the mood I was in - however, the end result was that being taken out for such a special treat helped me remember all the wonderful things about my life.

Obedience

So, let me get this straight.

She directs.

I obey.

Got it.

It's all easier said than done, of course, but I'm making big strides, and I feel pretty good about that. Everything I'd ever believed about 24/7 has been at least a little further from the reality than I could have expected - but the rewards of the reality are way way beyond my wildest imaginings.

It's easy to obey when we're all alone and I'm on my knees, Her collar locked around my neck and the handle of the leash attached to it, looped lazily over Her wrist.

But obeying when I'm standing in the kitchen, grumpy and tired from a long day at work when I stepped a little bit out of line with something I said and She's trying to stop a little bit of crankiness from turning into a full blown fight... well that's a different thing.

It used to feel almost impossible, and I rarely succeeded. But, lately, while it's hard - I know it can be done and I succeed more often than not. I may not succeed as much or as quickly as I would like, but it's still progress and I'm proud of it.

I'm learning (not just giving lip service to) some basic truths which are REALLY helping me in this effort...

1. She's in charge for a reason - because I trust Her - so when She orders me to drop a subject, or stop talking, or whatever, I trust that She will always, ALWAYS allow me to come back to it later - with a clear head and a respectful tone - if it is truly important to me (and She always has).

2. She has the right to speak to me more aggressively than I am allowed to speak to Her. She has the right to speak curtly, abruptly, or to speak to me in a tone that is not entirely to my liking. This does not somehow mean it is "fair" for me to do the same to Her, nor does it mean that She has been at all UNFAIR in choosing to use these forms of communication when they are necessary.

3. The reason She has this right is because I gave it to Her when I agreed to surrender to Her as Her slave. I gave Her that power because I believe She will never use it unless it is to my greater good. And I've never felt as if She's abused the Power she wields - ever. She's always been very cautious to act only for my greater good - sometimes to the detriment of Her own personal comfort. I believe in Her.

4. Life is GOOD when I obey. Not because I am 'under Her thumb' but because obeying Her means I am acting in ways that are most in harmony with my authentic self, without letting old negative programming have too much power. When I obey Her, things aren't always easy - but things certainly are harmonious. We don't argue over anything important, anyway, with rare exception - so that's not the kind of harmony I mean. I mean the kind of harmony when I know that I am being held accountable by Her and by myself to behave my best. This means that I feel better about myself, am more relaxed.... happier.

Growth is good.

3 Sentences

Today, there was an exercise in listening, and trust. It was a little thing, a change in one small aspect of how we handle the money, but I just remained open in the moment - and it all was resolved so beautifully. It is this sort of sublime surrender that makes me feel so sure of this world and my place in it.

3 Sentences

I'm absolutely thrilled to be a redhead again. I can't believe how much I missed it. Syr really wanted to see me in my natural hair color but she gave me permission to go back to red and did it for me last night - so happy!

3 Sentences

My emotions are really near the surface today. All day I've found that I get very sensitive over lots of things, way easier than normal, and tears - right there. I've managed my emotions well, considering, and am proud of that - but ready for things to normalize, now.

3 Sentences

(The 3 Sentences exercise hasn't been abandoned completely, but most days I do daily writing of a much longer variety for my Owner's eyes only - which has been really good for me.)

I triumphed over hormones and a crappy day and remained obedient and mindful. It feels really really good to be such a good girl for my Owner. I have been rewarded with a very happy Owner (and the priveledge of a couple glasses of wine this evening). :)

Earning Her collar... again

My Owner and I recently went through a challenging few days. It was instigated by a backslide in my behaviour. I am often a rather bratty slavegirl at the best of times and when life dictates that we act fairly vanilla due to lack of privacy, I had gotten in the habit of being especially careless and especially unaware of my behaviour as it pertains to our dynamic. This escalated Monday of this past week when both Syr and I were sick, pretty sick actually, and so we were both out of sorts and not ourselves. I ended up picking a fight over something ridiculous when Syr was really really really not feeling well. She gave me every opportunity to be more aware, She communicated Her limits and boundaries very clearly but I just motored on through anyway. The result was swift action on Her part and an announcement that I needed to do some serious thinking about Her collar and the D/s between us and what it meant - and that it applies all the time and not only when it's convenient. Essentially, I had lost the privilege of Her collar for the time being.

This, obviously, threw me into a bit of a tailspin, but what was really amazing was that I did not actually panic for very long. Sure, I panicked, I wallowed, I stayed in bed way, way too long the following morning feeling depressed and sorry for myself.

But, what happened shortly after I got out of bed surprised us both. I started to relax.. and the sensations in my mind, heart, and body was suddenly not fear - but trust! I realized that my job in this process was to learn - not to fret about the future, that was my Owner's job. And so, without Her collar, for the time being, I set to my task. I wrote a great deal during that time, pretty private and intense stuff. I wrote what I was feeling and thinking and what I realized about my recent behaviour and as I wrote, new awarenesses rose to the surface. I realized that I had been compartmentalizing my behaviour - isolating the good from the bad, convinced that when I was good - that was good, and when I was not good, that was not good, but never looking at my behaviour as a whole. I realized I also had done that with my Owner. When She was doing obvious things to assert Her ownership, She was being dominant, but when She wasn't, She was still my Owner but I didn't perceive or treat Her EXACTLY like my Owner... if that makes sense.

And shortly after THAT, I realized something else that I never expected. Even though I was without Her collar, the D/s seemed to still be there. I realized that formalities completely stripped away, what remained was that She still seemed to be in charge and I still seemed to be obeying and eager to please Her. Every thing that She said or did was geared towards guiding or teaching me, with love - and everything I did seemed to be about being a good girl (in the healthy sort of ways). Even the way that She had gone about removing the collar to "teach me a lesson" was a teachery, loving Dominant, thing to do. I realized that collar or no collar - I was still very much owned and She was still very much my Owner.

The important thing to note about our relationship is that it began as a D/s friendship with benefits (overly simplified way of putting it but accurate enough to make my point) and then we fell in love. The D/s and love/romantic-relationship were intertwined from the very beginning. She collared me just a day or two before She went down on one knee to propose to me, engagement ring in hand. And over the course of our relationship and marriage, the D/s has integrated in such a way that it has seeped into even the most innocuous of romantic gestures. She is such a loving and gentle Dominant, always concerned with my greater good. Everything She encourages, pushes, or orders me to do are things that will benefit me - sometimes while inconveniencing Her. Some of these things could feel vanilla, I suppose, but knowing Her as I do, they are the ways that She asserts Her ownership. And I thought of all of this during this break from D/s and realized that this break from D/s was no break at all. I felt uncomfortable without the formalities, the trappings and I was saddened that I had taken so much for granted and hurt my Owner, and I was disappointed that it had taken such a drastic step to wake me up - but within me was a growing confidence.

I'd spent so long trying to live up to my expectations of myself as Her slave that I stopped giving myself credit (and Her credit) for all the ways we make this work in loving and healthy ways every single day. A lot of my bad behaviour was insecurity and fear-driven. Like, some part of me didn't think I deserved to be Hers. And now that I was without the collar I'd never really felt I deserved, I suddenly realized I absolutely deserved it... that I was absolutely Hers - collar or not.

So two days, solid, of thinking and writing about all of this was a big part of the process. I didn't share those writings with Her, because I didn't want to inadvertantly influence or end up subconsciously manipulating Her while I worked through everything (not that She'd let it, but I needed to know that the writing and learning I was doing was genuine and not coming from a place of "telling Her what She wanted to hear"). And then, on the eve of the second day, I told Her - "I still belong to You." It wasn't a question.

She looked at me, and I could see that "happily surprised" look on Her face. She walked right up to me and said - "Are you sure?". And I said "Yep". And She made a crack about how I was very thick headed and that it was amazing I finally got that after five years. The next day, after some more writing and checking in with myself, I decided that I was ready to ask for Her collar back. I did that, that evening, which would have been Wednesday night. I knelt at Her feet and asked for it back. One of the things She asked me before answering me was "Do you finally feel like you have earned it? that you deserve it?" And I nodded quietly and whispered, "Yes, Syr".

And it's the truth.

I slept in Her collar and chain that night for the first time since Sunday and slept very confidently and calmly. A new level of trust had been reached, taking my submission to Her so much deeper than I ever realized it could. Ever since then, being good is easy. Obeying, is easy. Being mindful, is easy. So many things that seemed hard and complicated before now seem natural. I realized that a lot of my push-back and brattiness (not the cute kind of bratty of course) was a form of constant pushing for reminders that She was in charge. I don't need that anymore. Going a couple of days collarless made me so aware of just how often I am reminded every single day - reminders I'd started taking for granted so long ago - that I am owned.

We had a lovely quiet evening on Thursday night and I spent much of it just sitting at Her feet. She allowed me to wear my dress collar, the one that locks on, that night and again last night.

Last night, She had me make a nest of blankets and pillows (and clean laundry that hadn't yet been folded) and I slept on this nest on the floor next to the bed. Having me sleep on the floor is something She'd wanted to do for a while and it was the perfect night for it. I slept down there, one ankle chained to the bed, my dress collar on, and felt so loved and contained and safe. I awoke feeling so very little.

After coffee, my Owner ordered me up to the bathroom with Her, and She pulled me into the shower with Her and She washed me from head to toe. She gently washed and scrubbed my face. She washed my hair, twice, and rinsed every bit of soap off of me Herself. She dried me with the towel and snuggled me in bed after and I felt so divine, so loved, so cared for.

I know that She is proud of how I handled all of this. I know that She was happily surprised just how much I learned and was able to take away from the experience and most of all, I know She is so pleased that I finally feel so much more secure - so much more worthy of Her collar - and of Her in general, and it feels good to be good. It feels good to feel worthy. It feels good to be Owned.

Satisfied

I'm absolutely one hundred percent positive that I have felt this satisfied before, but to be completely frank, i can't remember, exactly, maybe because I'm feeling so damn good right this very moment. ;)

Last night, after writing, I had to take my Owner to work and then begin the torture. I decided to snag Rosie because she is small and would fit in my pajama pocket and could be easily hidden if I was struck by a sudden loss of privacy.

Rosie is a small, fits great in the palm, battery operated vibrator, one of the very few small vibrators that don't suck, but then I have always been a huge fan of Fun Factory products. ;) This particular vibe is great because it doesn't look particularly naughty, has a bunch of fun settings, and has that nice smooth round top so I can just set it in the right spot and leave it.. After all, if I was going to have to masturbate (but not cum) once every thirty minutes for a minute at a time, this seemed the logical choice.

So I did that every thirty minutes for a minute - using my iPod stopwatch app to keep track, and I must say that a minute was too short. It wasn't long enough to get me close enough to be as torturous as I think my Owner had intended. I blamed Rosie's passivity for this and so for the last three or four sessions, I used my fingers instead, trying to focus really hard on trying to get close to cumming.... this was more torturous but the minute was still too short. Maybe two minutes, if I was really focused, or three if I was using Rosie would have been more effective - in the way that my Owner wanted it to be effective, I should say. Though I do give myself major good girl props for trying to torture myself at the level I knew my Owner expected. *pats self on back*

In any case, suffice to say, that after an entire evening of torturing myself, I was REALLY glad to see my Owner when the time came to pick Her up from work. And She seemed to be in a particularly good mood when She got in the car. It was obvious that She was enjoying the hell out of torturing me! Then, I went and admitted that I still had Rosie in my pocket. I'd been in a rush to get out the door to be there on time and didn't want to run back upstairs to hide Rosie away. I don't know why I mentioned it, I guess I thought She'd be amused. I did not expect Her to ask me to pull over, and instruct me to put Rosie back between my legs (thankfully over my clothes), and then had me continue to drive.... to McDonalds.... go through the drive through... order a snack for us to share.... pay... the whole bit.... it was actually pretty difficult. I was so worked up already, and trying to keep a straight face and not let my arousal show on my face as I placed our order... was no small feat.

Thankfully, She allowed me to remove it shortly after leaving McDonalds. ;) But when we got home, I wanted to go straight upstairs (no passing go!) and that, we did.

To my relief, She asked for Ripper and the thigh harness. There's something about that combination that is so incredibly intense. Ripper has so much texture and is the perfect length. Combining the thigh harness which allows my Owner to use more force and pressure and the angle of using Her leg allows Her to get so much deeper made me absolutely crazy!

I was begging before long, it was so intense, and She gave me permission to cum, and then ordered me to cum again and again and again until I didn't think I could again. I grabbed Rosie, wanting so badly to cum clitorally while She was fucking me, but I was having issues... nothing was working the way I wanted... not to mention that I was ridiculously slippery. So after commanding several more internal orgasms from me, my Owner used Her fingers... I was so grateful... and She made me cum so fast and hard... and then She kept going! She has this trick that makes me feel like She has three fingers all on my clit at the same time, stimulating it from different angles... and once She started doing that, with me still overly sensitive from already having had several orgasms, I went crazy... I was almost too sensitive, but She wouldn't let up. She ordered me to cum again and again... and again... i was pleading with Her to stop, that I didn't think i could cum again but every time I was sure my body just could not or would not allow ANOTHER one, She ordered it - and I did it.

I passed out briefly.... but She woke me up.... just long enough to wrap me up, snuggle me close, and hold me until I fell fast asleep.

It's no wonder I woke up in such a fantastic mood!!

Clothed

I am so bloody horny I can barely see straight. Where did that come from?

Oh yeah, it came from last night -- no pun intended.

So I am always frisky but was definitely frisky last night and my Owner was feelin' pretty good, or seemed to be, and so She was putting off all those "i'm gonna have some woman later" sorta signals and so a good portion of my evening was spent in anticipation of some naughty time later that night. We played some video games together and had great conversation and She's all walking around commando, in blue jeans, and a beater, looking all kinds of sexy.... did I mention I have a big thing for hands.... forearms.... biceps.... and shoulders? Arms... really it's arms... top to bottom it's alllll arms. Anyway, there's a look about Her that's so classic when She's wearing that. Not having boxers on underneath Her jeans just makes Her look a little more rustic in a way. Sexy..... knowing that it's only one layer between me and Her. I don't know... it's a thing... and the way She looks walking around in a beater, the way it highlights Her shoulders. Geesh... I just kept looking at Her like a piece of meat all night long. Who knew that it was possible to be this attracted to someone. *happy sigh*

Anyway, bedtime rolls around and I shut off my computer and get ready. We head upstairs together and She announces that She's going to fuck me silly with Goldy, the giant cock. Now, we haven't used Goldy in a while because we're both big fans of Ripper, now... with all its many ridges and bumps. Goldy is smooth... but big.. thick...and heavy and long. Well, I know my eyes got big at that. She teased me a bit more, about that, asking me which cock I wanted. I really don't like having ot pick and admitted as much. I love them both for different reasons and it HAD been a while since I'd felt Goldy but I couldn't really tell which I wanted in that moment... but She decided Goldy, so Goldy it was.

Then She seemed to have some kind of epiphany ... mentioned how it was too bad She hadn't thought to strap up before She got dressed. She watched me carefully for a reaction and I tried to keep my face smooth, not that it worked. No, for me, there is something incredibly hot and incredibly erotic about being absolutely naked, and being fucked by someone who is completely dressed... particularly when "dressed" includes blue jeans. Well, I obviously must have had a visual *perk* on my face because She strapped up and pulled Her jeans back up - and then put on Her leather jacket.

Oh. My. God.

Maybe it's a stereotype, but even if it is - it's one we both enjoy. A hot, sexy butch, my butch, my Daddy, my Owner in blue jeans, a beater, a leather coat, jeans unbuttoned and one of those strong butch hands wrapped around a thick cock..... is there ANYTHING as sexy as that? Well, maybe there is - but not if you're me. ;)

So there She stood, just oozing butch strut, and I couldn't take my eyes off of Her, or off of the cock She was wearing, supported by Her hand wrapped around it. I took it all in, getting weak in the knees, and Her other hand reached out and grabbed my hair, which pretty much finished the job, and my knees buckled, both because they were just DONE and because of the pressure my Owner exerted on the back of my head with that handful of hair....She guided me down, and with a single command, "open", claimed my mouth with that huge cock.

In seconds I was whimpering, clawing at the denim of Her jeans with my hands, and She had me on my back on the bed in short order after that, and before I could think or breathe, She was over me, inside of me, taking me.

Goldy was silky smooth, but so heavy and deep. I luxuriated in it, but I also luxuriated in the feeling of vulnerability. Feeling Her, clothed, layers between us, and feeling (and smelling) Her leather jacket... grabbing it with my hands, clawing at Her... it was incredible. There's something that makes me feel so submissive when I'm in that position, naked while She is fully clothed, but still fucking me. I love grabbing at Her jeans or Her ass as it peeks out, Her jeans getting scooted down lower as She fucks me. It's hot. Really hot.

She fucked me good and well last night and i came so hard. And I swear... it's all I could think about today. Now I'm extra aroused, more so than before, like having a taste of something so sweet, and the way it makes you crave even more.

I admitted this to my Owner this evening, silly me. Now I have to take Her to work for a four hour shift. I've been instructed to play with my clit for one minute, every half-hour, until it is time to pick Her up from work again. If I forget, or miss any, She'll beat me. She knows this means that I am going to be an absolute wreck (already am, but even more so) by the time I pick Her up from work. *tremble*

She hasn't given me these sort of instructions for a while, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I am completely affected by it. I feel very owned, and very, very, very much in need of more of Her.....

Take Down

That was fun. I was playing in the dirt with Daddy. Well not exactly playing. LOL We were doing a bit of prep work in the garden. We have two garden areas where we grow veggies and stuff every year and the weather is just starting to improve enough that we need to take advantage of these breaks in the weather to get things ready to go. This year that involves pulling up some of the old stuff and laying the area with plastic to kill all the old weeds and stuff that are lingering there. It turned out that we only had enough plastic to cover one of the two garden areas. It still felt like we accomplished a whole lot. Daddy has said this year I am going out with Her to work with Her (or at least keep Her company) every time She is working in the garden this year when I am home. I like it a whole lot once I'm out there so I think this is a really good thing. I just tend to err on the side of lazy. LOL But I do very much enjoy being out in the fresh air and stuff, so I think it's a good plan.

Our D/s has been in a bit of a lull lately. It's not felt bad, though, if that makes sense. It's been feeling just fine. I think I feel comfortable and confident enough to know, now, that when we experience these natural lulls it is not a reflection on the relationship or the strength of our D/s connection but rather a natural bit of downtime usually caused by circumstances outside of our control. In this case, the primary cause has been some drama and stress with Daddy's workplace, and the tennis elbow (tendonitis) that She has been dealing with.

But, last night, I was craving being "little" again, and I really wanted to end up little in the biggest, baddest, most intense way humanly possible. I just get those cravings now and then, for something hard... harsh... intense. I was also having a lovely date with Daddy, though and was in a fantastic mood - as was She. I got bratty, in the humorous kind of ways, and was teasing Her, playfully challenging Her. On the car ride home, though, She made it clear She had me all figured out. She knew I was goading Her into a take-down. So, She refused to give it to me. I pouted. I pouted a lot. But, then I got over it (so to speak) and settled down. Once I settled down and let go of my expectations (and had parked the car), She took a big handful of my hair, pulling very tightly, and very quickly reminded me of my place.

I had a few moments of kneeling at my Owner's feet before we went on to other activities for an hour or so, though She allowed me to wear my collar on my wrist (a subtle way of wearing it when we have a bit less privacy). Then I got to cut Her hair, quite short, just the way She knows I love it, and we bathed together. I loved having Her in front of me in the bathtub, leaning back, while I washed Her by hand. There is something so completely sensual about bathing together, about washing Her like that. It put me in a soft and submissive place that I loved.

After the bath, we ended up in the bedroom, talking. And then, after moving my collar from my wrist to my neck, She fucked me. But it wasn't just that She fucked me, it was the WAY that She fucked me. She maintained every bit of control over the entire account from beginning to... end. She brought me to the edge of oblivion again, and again, and again - each time driving me farther until I was teetering on the edge, almost about to fall over... not entirely sure. I was begging, pleading to cum but all she said was "breathe"... "just breathe". Sometimes when She said that, She would back off, slow down, give me some room to actually breathe. But at a certain point, she didn't back off. She wouldn't give me permission to cum, but She also wouldn't slow down. Instead, She sped up, challenging my ability to comply, to obey in spite of the overwhelming sensations taking over my entire body. Finally... finally, she gave me permission to let go.... to let it all go... for Her...

And I did.

Zoney, sleepy, drained girl

Both Daddy and I are really drained, today. We're both coming down off the holiday 'highs'. some of those high's are good (excitement! lights! presents! friends! candyyyy!) and some are not so good (bills! family drama! stressy micromanagey little girls (that's me)! obligatory visiting!). But, for the most part it's not so much about what *type* of high energy, it's about the fact that there's just been so darn much energy.

It also doesn't help that it's winter, it's cold, it's dark super early in the day, and is essentially snuggle/hibernate season.

So, today we're both kinda useless. LOL We're playing some video games and just generally hanging out being vegetables. The one nice thing is that we both have periods of feeling like this and they (usually) coincide, so we just relax in our vegetableness and it doesn't create any weirdness between us.

Bad girl blogger

I will be the first to admit that I am a very bad girl when it comes to blogging! I was on a roll of consistency with my 3 Sentences Tumblr posts that Syr assigned me and then I got distracted (I'm a natural-borne scatterbrain) and the consistency fell by the wayside.

Syr's gone very easy on me where this is concerned for multiple reasons, not the least of which is the fact that I get a little bit anxious and angsty and unsettled and just generally 'off' around the holidays which means starting around mid-November all the way until after New Years. Let's just say that the holidays from my childhood involved a great deal of anxiety and stress and shades of that still colour my behaviour around this time of year. I'm blessed to have an Owner who not only recognizes and 'gets' this, but who seems to know exactly what I need during those times. Sometimes, I need to be pushed really hard to be responsible and aware of my behaviour. Sometimes, I need a gentle hand and to be held and allowed to cry and be messed up. Sometimes, I need to be guided gently to think about what's going on around me and sometimes, I just need a 'break' from thinking about it. She seems to always know what is needed and when and I feel very supported, but I also feel badly when I let things like this fall by the wayside because I'm too preoccupied with my own stuff.

So, to catch up. More and more, I find that even in our 'off' times, the D/s remains a consistent undercurrent to all our activities. This has been very apparent as Syr is recovering from a repetitive motion injury which has made things (like sex!) difficult. I am surviving, of course, but a little needier than usual as a result of the, necessary, break from more rigorous activities. I'd be lying if I didn't say that this bit of a necessary dry spell wasn't making me just a wee bit cranky at times, but I would not want Her to hurt Herself just to keep me feeling well tended to... and I'd be a pretty piss-poor wife, let alone slave, if I couldn't be understanding and do my best to care for her and reassure her that all is well - and well... it is! She is healing, slowly, and I do not feel we have suffered any loss of intimacy. Syr and I have that intimacy thing down pat! We talk and touch and snuggle and kiss and stuff all the time.... which makes the rest easy. She's certainly enjoyed a bit of the torture factor though. lol.

But, that brings me to the super exciting and awesome Christmas gift, She got me. Christmas Eve as we were getting ready for bed, She had me kneel and put my sleeping collar on - like usual. She asked me who owned me, and I replied that She did.... and then She had me close my eyes. When She had me open them again, She was holding a present for me!! I opened it up, pretty nervous, and found a catalog to our favourite (adult) toy store! But inside, was a gift certificate. OoOooOOoooo I get to pick out a new cock! WOO!

And then there was.... ANOTHER present... this one was softer. I opened it up and it was a brand new THIGH HARNESS. *fans self* Omg, the hotness. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea of a thigh harness. There's something really hot about it, to me. Syr one night made a makeshift thigh harness by being creative with Her existing harness and we had a lot of fun with it. This was a super thoughtful gift because She'd remembered how badly I wanted one for Her to use even though I'd forgotten. :-) The only downside was that we discovered that it didn't accomodate Goldy the giant supercock She usually uses on me. It did accommodate a smaller cock we already own. The fun will be picking out a new cock that will work in either harness/for either purpose and be super fun.

I can't wait to go shopping!

Long time, no post!

It's been ages since my last post. Okay, I suppose a couple of weeks isn't ages, but it sure feels like it. Things with my Owner are very good, but there have been some difficult days in the last couple of weeks. This time of year tends to mess with my head a lot, thanks to lots of family 'baggage' from my childhood (yay! /sarcasm). Anyway, apparently at this time of year, like clockwork, I start picking silly fights with Syr, which is really counterproductive and just generally sucky for both of us.

Syr is, understandably, low on patience for this behaviour and I end up feeling really guilty when I subconsciously seek my emotional release in this manner. Thankfully, we had one bad day, one semi-bad day, and one mildly annoying day and that seems to have ended this year's streak. Two big things I'm working on are first, listening really really carefully (not just 'hearing' but really listening), and stopping when told to as Syr only tells me to stop or calls a halt to a conversation when it's in an unhealthy place. She never ever silences me or my opinions unless there is something dysfunctional going on - and I can always see that *after the fact* so I'm working on trusting more in the moment so I can remember that when I'm in full-on rant mode (or whatever the case may be).

So far, it seems to be working and even though I've had some fairly intense emotional days, they haven't resulted in picking any fights (at least not successfully) and so peace is maintained and we are both happier and healthier. Today is a rough day thanks to triggers but none of that is bleeding out in unhealthy or snarky behaviour - so I'm proud of that.

Sometimes it's the little successes that make the biggest difference.

Getaway

Syr and I had a getaway last weekend. It was just Her and I at a hotel room for an entire weekend. We both had the Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off so it was some really nice connecting time.

Our weekend began when She took me to the local aquarium. We hadn't been in a while and I had a coupon. We had a great time, though we got there just a little over an hour before it closed. We got to see the giant octopus who was, for a change, not hiding and actually swimming around a bit - which I thought was supercool. We checked out our favourites, but then as the aquarium was announcing the closing, we went to check out the Belugas. No one else was around, and the one beluga, still a baby, was PLAYING with a nearby bird. It was the coolest thing. The bird was hopping along the walk at the edge of the pool in the trainer area and the beluga would roll onto her side and wave at the bird... then the bird would hop along to a new spot and the beluga would follow it. It was incredible! You just don't get to see that sort of stuff when there are crowds of people and trainer-led shows.  We also happened by the sea otter area and got to see the otters munching on whole crabs. Usually they eat tidy little fish during the shows but they each just had a big ol' crab on their bellies and were munching away.  It's interesting the type of things you can see when the tourist crowd dies down a bit.

After the aquarium, we headed to the hotel and got checked in.  We got food not long after that and did some playing in the hotel casino. When we got back to the room, I remember casually taking off my clothes and kneeling next to my Owner. She asked me what I wanted, wanting me to say it, and I asked to wear Her collar, the fancier one that I only wear on occasion as it's rather bulky. She obliged and clipped the leash to it as well.  This was how the weekend began and from then on, anytime we went back to our room to stay for a while, I would take off all my clothes except my panties and kneel while Syr put on my collar and leash. She'd keep hold of the leash handle unless She was sending me to go get something or to the bathroom, in which case the leash handle wold be looped over my wrist.

We had... some outstanding.... sex... of course.  Syr had been teasing me for a week prior - lots of torture and torment and no permission granted to orgasm.

But also...I asked for (and got) a good girl spanking. One nice thing about a hotel stay is that an over-the-lap good old fashioned spanking is actually pretty noisy and we don't have enough privacy at home to indulge in that particular treat very often, so it is what I most crave when we do have the opportunity for more privacy. Thankfully, I'd been a good girl and so Syr didn't mind giving me what I'd craved.

We didn't have super heavy scenes... but what we did have was some amazing reconnecting time. What felt the best, quite honestly, was that simple ritual of removing most of my clothes, and kneeling for Her collar, and snuggling in bed with Her, while topless... feeling skin on skin... talking.... the simple reality of being Hers.

It turned out to be a weekend with more talking than sex, more gentle touches than rough ones - but it was exactly what we needed and wanted.

What I treasured most about that weekend was the simple, natural elegance of our dynamic. We didn't have to talk about what we were going to do, plan it, or decide the protocols - they just happened. And so, we've taken some of that away with us.

Once the weekend was over and we were settled in back at home, I just automatically began continuing the same ritual.  Now, when we go to our bedroom at night to prepare for sleep, I remove all my clothing except my panties (unless it's cold or I'm fatigued/shivery and ask permission to wear more), and I kneel quietly and wait for my Owner to snap my sleeping collar around my neck. I ask for permission to climb into bed and wait for it to be granted before I move.  Once in bed, my Owner attaches the cuff around my ankle that is chained to the bed.

I really get so much out of little rituals like this. And so our getaway provided a longer term little gift to us as well - one that we are both enjoying very much.

Hee hee

I stole Daddy's cereal.

Hee hee.

Daddy made Herself a snack.... granola with peaches and a little bit of half and half... and it was yummy so i begged for a bite. Then She gave me some... then She let me hold the bowl... then I sorta stole the whole shebang..

In my defense... once She saw me enjoying it, Daddy said I could eat as much of it as i wanted before giving Her bowl back.

She just laughed at me when i gave it back empty.

I was hungry!

Service

The other day, my Owner advised me I would be giving Her a foot rub. It wasn't anything particularly out of the ordinary. Rather, it was a fairly mundane request. Syr is on Her feet a lot for Her work and has recently discovered (after years of not being fond of having Her feet touched) that She quite enjoys a gentle foot rub.

Syr was relaxing on the bed, reading a book, and I knelt on the bed and asked if She would put on my sleeping collar before I began. She agreed and snapped it around my neck before relaxing back with Her book.

A strange thing happened when I began working on Her feet. It was quiet in the bedroom, and Syr was quiet, too - as She read. I felt like I was part of the room... a possession, treasured - but owned. I just melted into it, surrendering, and it was so meditative - so soft.

I wasn't anxious and waiting to be acknowledged or spoken to. There was this quiet acceptance on both Syr and my parts. This was just a part of the day, and that was what made it hot and powerful... in all its subtlety. Every once in a while, my Owner would glance over the top of Her book and grin at me in this very cocky way that would give me tingles.

And I realized, in that moment, that this was service, in the truest sense of the word.

Stand Up. Sit Down. Stand Up.

The other day, Syr decided in the midst of a conversation where I was being a bit sassy, that I needed a bit of an attitude adjustment. I can't remember what the conversation was about, but I remember that Syr shot me a look and then told me to stand up.

I looked at Her a moment, confused, and She repeated Herself: "Stand up."

So, I stood up but She didn't say anything more about it before going back to the conversation. I was being a bit oblivious but a few moments later, She said: "Sit down."

I sat down and the conversation continued but then, again, still somewhat oblivious to what was prompting that silliness, She had me suddenly stand up again. I was starting to clue in that something about my tone or the way I was expressing myself wasn't entirely appropriate and that the stand up/sit down exercise was intended to make me aware of it.

After a couple more stand up and sit downs, my whole demeanor changed and I felt very little, very vulnerable, and very corrected. We didn't discuss it or analyze it afterward. But it was a simple and direct reminder that She is in charge - and that I will obey Her.

A couple of days later, She did this again. In a way it makes me feel almost a little silly, but part of the way it makes me feel reminded and corrected IS feeling a little silly. It's kind of like the way in movies or books a teacher might haul a kid up to the front of the class when they've misbehaved. I felt attention drawn to me, even if we're alone. I feel exposed.

But part of the effectiveness, I feel, was in the way She simply injected it into the conversation, into the day, without pausing to make it all about that. Instead, it was merely background... inconsequential... not giving me "attention" per se, but instead exercising Her authority simply and because She can.

Effective.

Whimper

My Owner is torturing me.

*pout*

Last night, She decided it would be fitting (no pun intended) to send me to bed, filled, without permission to have an orgasm.

She decided this after basically asking me pointed questions, and demanding my honesty, about what I thought about the idea. Now, in my own defense, I'd like to point out that I knew it would be torturous, but I couldn't help admitting (because it was/is true!) that it also sounded hot. It also sounded like something that would put me in my place - asserting Her ownership in such obvious ways always does.

I'm not sure if that wasn't the most evil part! Because, while my Owner could have done this to me without my consent - making me first admit that some part of me wanted it only adds to my torture. Because now I can tell myself that I asked for this! What a mindfuck that is...

So, yes, last night Syr sent me to bed with a cock, and not a terribly tiny one either, seated deep inside me. Panties and jammy pants put on over top to help hold it in. And after nudging it with Her knee a few times... and Her hand.... until I was wanting and aching with the need to just be fucked with it... to cum.... THEN She tells me to relax and breathe and go to sleep.

But, She never said She couldn't cum....

So laying next to me, Her fingers started moving on Her own body... and I was so worked up that I just wanted, no... needed... to serve Her in this way. So, I replaced Her hand with mine (with Her consent of course) and bringing Her to orgasm only made me feel all the more owned, all the more sure of my place as Her slave. She shuddered with release while I trembled with need - and then we both went to sleep.

This morning, I woke up aching like crazy. When She removed the cock without using it on me, I cried with need. It was challenging. I've spent the day hyperaware of the burning desire between my legs and yet it's also made me feel very, very little and very owned.... very much not in control and very contained.

Just now, Syr mentioned what She might put inside me for sleeping tonight. I'm all nervous about the thought. Admittedly, I assumed She had intended to make me cum tonight, but now I'm not so sure. She says She hasn't decided yet.

I'm trying to be patient. If I beg now, the answer will surely be no.

Patience..... not my strong suit.

Learning to give up control

First off, I've really been getting a LOT out of the 3 sentences task that Syr has me doing. I'm finding that it's serving as a really good record of my state of mind from a submissive and/or little girl space for the day and it's really useful. It gives Syr a glimpse into where my head is at and keeps me feeling connected and self-aware, as writing always does.

One thing that's been coming up a lot for me lately is a new kind of self-awareness. I'm starting to learn to take more and more responsibility for my headspace, for how I'm feeling and how that feeling may or may not impact my behaviour and the people around me, most particularly my Owner.

I've had some pretty intense lessons around all of this the last few days. Last week, I really messed up and let my bad day bleed into my tone and treatment of my Owner and picked a stupid fight with Her. She got angry with me and then I got panicked and didn't handle it well at all. One thing I had to do was give Her some space - something I struggle with... and I did it, but it was really hard!

I managed, though, to learn a few things about how I react when I'm freaked out about having made Her angry. I learned that my mind will grasp at desperate measures to turn the situation around and make it so that it's all about me. I learned, by thinking it through, that I didn't want to respond this way - that if I've behaved badly I want to keep the focus on the person I've hurt by my behaviour (my Owner) and not try to make it all about how terrible I feel and how I need Her reassurance that everything is okay. It's tough work, but I am working to break decades of really bad, unhealthy patterns and this is a part of that process for me. So, there were some valuable lessons learned and some good epiphanies had as a result of the stupid argument - so that's been a positive takeaway.

Yesterday and today both presented opportunities to take responsibility for my mood. At different times both yesterday and today I was being a little moody and touchy - intense as my Owner likes to call it. I was able to recognize it, admit it, and because I was consciously aware of it - NOT let it turn into something. Instead, by admitting it and being aware of it, I was able to relax and the feeling went away - I was able to enjoy the rest of my day. Previously, if I was having an intense sort of day, emotionally, I would almost always pick a fight (not intentionally, of course, more of a subconscious pattern). But I didn't do that, so those were big successes.

Then, today, there was another moment where I was presented an opportunity to learn something. Syr called me on a, relatively minor, bit of defiance. But I was feeling defensive over it and caught myself falling into that habit of trying to make it all about how bad I felt about the behaviour which then created a whole different layer of stress. I had to listen to my Syr and drop the subject because it was about to turn into another little fight, and I did. Then I realized what I'd been doing and realized I should admit my new epiphany to my Owner. In doing so, I realized how scary all of this is. Admitting that I have realized I was doing something manipulative or unhealthy is a very vulnerable thing and really makes me feel like I am giving up even more control - which of course I am and which, of course, our whole relationship is about. But it's just that it keeps getting deeper.

I love that it's getting deeper, but it hit me somewhat hard today just how scary that is sometimes. I am so vulnerable with Her, so raw, so open and there is no side of me that I can keep hidden. Nothing is left in shadow - everything is brought into the light and some days I feel very exposed.

There is good and bad in this feeling. Bad is the fear and the nervousness that being so exposed creates - but good is the knowledge that I am safe, loved, and treasured, and being so vulnerable allows me to surrender even deeper to Her, and that feels amazing.

Spanked with a... hammer?

I have been terribly negligent in my blogging lately, a fact which I have not failed to notice and neither has my Syr.

She's given me a new task - to ensure I email myself (or jot down) a subject to write about each day by way of helping me remember to blog, so today was the first day I did that. It doesn't mean I'll always journal in this blog, but it will help me to remember to journal somewhere daily which is Syr's expectation.

Also in the same vein is a second new task. No matter what else, I must blog three sentences a day. This seemed perfect for my Tumblr blog so I posted the first one there, today. It's in the sidebar, here, on my blog page or at http://herlittlegirl.tumblr.com/

Anyway, on to today's topic... Syr's hammer.

Yesterday, we were standing in the kitchen and Syr was doing some baking (peanut butter cookies - yum!). To amuse Herself, She was whacking me with a variety of kitchen utensils in a relatively playful manner - though She did get me one seriously stinging slap with a wooden spoon.

I think I probably play-pouted about all this smacking, and Syr's response was to gloat that She could probably smack me with ANYTHING and get me to like it. Joking, She added, "I could even get you with My hammer and You'd like it!"

I rolled my eyes, hands on my hips and said something like.... "A hammer? Yeah right!" because this was banter after all. But Syr's eyes glinted and pointed a finger, directing me to brace my hands on the counter. I hesitated and laughed and then I saw Her actually pick up the hammer.

But She snapped Her finger more meaningful as She pointed me back to the counter and came at me with.... Her hammer! She hit my bottom carefully with it, in the fleshy parts, but not overly gently. I was surprised at how quickly I dropped! Not only was there the psychological thrill that my Owner was hitting me with a HAMMER (come on, that's hot, right?) but I was liking the way it felt.

Recently I discovered that I LOVE having my bottom punched, and hard. It is a delicious and deep thud. The light taps with the heavy hammer felt like a very mild form of the same sensation.

She only did it for a few minutes. But it made an impression on us both. There was something silly and hot and erotic and delicious about the entire encounter. And that was BEFORE we ate the cookies.

Daddy's Tools

These are a few of Daddy's tools.

More specifically, these are reserved primarily for punishment.

There is the duct-tape handled implement made out of the coat hanger which I not so lovingly call "the ouchie thing", the giant flat wooden spoon/paddle, and the almost pretty-looking but ridiculously evil "red thing" which was manufactured to be a rug-beater. It is, now, a little-girl-beater.

I've written a lot about discipline and punishment lately, but the reality is that these are a big part of my own growth in my D/s journey lately. Daddy's ability and willingness to punish me have deepened my connection and submission to Her and have also allowed me to feel even more safe and cared for and contained.

Recently, She had me bent over Her knee and, while spanking me, asked me questions about my state of mind. Answers like "I don't know" or "maybe" or "I'm not sure" got me more and harder slaps with the back of the scrub brush she was paddling me with, so I was not able to answer without dropping any hesitation or beating around the bush. She asked me if I thought She had been too soft lately, too lenient, and I admitted, yes, after a series of hard smacks. She asked if I needed Her to be harsher with me, and again I admitted yes.

I notice that when She gets too 'easy' on me, it is harder for me to find that foundation, that ground that I stand on, that everything else blossoms from. It's up to me to continue to press myself to trust and surrender and let go and move forward. I just truly appreciate the way that my Daddy can empower me by being willing to deliver those corrections when they are needed.

Thank You Daddy, for correcting me.

Quickie?

I looked at Daddy, my lower lip sticking out just a little. Having just finished a Disoronno and Coke and feeling the warm, sensual neediness that always seems to follow a cocktail, my desires were unmasked on my face.

She knew what I wanted and She smiled at me, Her tone patronizing, "You know, if I give You what You need I'm just going to throw you on the bed and fuck you."

I couldn't tell if She was just warning me that She wasn't up to a lot of foreplay or if She was trying to turn me on, but my face must have given something away about my reaction to Her words because She continued...

"You know, use you up and toss you when I'm through with you..."

I could feel my insides churning, my clit involuntarily jumping with excitement at the idea of being used in this way.

"What do you need, little girl?" She asked, a coy and cocky smile playing on Her lips.

Without hesitation, I replied, "Your cock!", my voice almost a whimper.

She laughed. "Upstairs, little girl." and I jumped to scramble upstairs and begin my getting ready for bed rituals and smiled when I head the sound of Her footfalls on the stairs heading up behind me.

Teeth and hair brushed and washed up, I headed into the bedroom to find candles lit and a twinkle in Daddy's eye. She pulled my tank top up and over my head and then pulled my shorts and panties down, tossing them to the side and bent me over the bed until my forehead touched the mattress, my ass arched up and back, against Her thighs. I wiggled my bottom playfully.

"You thought I was joking, didn't you, little girl?" She asked, Her tone dangerous.

"Welllll... not exactly..." I hedged.

I stood up, fingers playing lightly along Her skin, seductively, but She shoved me back down causing me to land back on the bed on my bottom with a flop.

"You better get ready." She warned and reached under the bed and retrieved Her cock. I watched, fascinated as always, as She strapped it on and reached out to attempt to be seductive again, testing the waters, was She really going to just unceremoniously fuck me without preface?

Seconds later, She had lubed up Her cock, shoved me back on the bed, climbed between my spread legs and was aiming Her cock right against me and I knew, then, that one thrust later and She would seat herself all the way inside me - and indeed, without preface.

When I know Daddy is going to use me in this way, there is always a moment's fear. Will my body be ready enough to respond without too much pain? Will I be able to take Her huge cock in that one initial thrust? But something about the way that my body responds to Her and to this type of treatment almost always guarantees that I am, at least a little bit, ready for Her.

In a flash, She was inside me - this first thrust made it clear that things weren't as wet and slippery as they usually are and the dragging sensation only added to how taken and claimed I felt in that moment. And as my Owner's words began tumbling over me, Her mouth and voice grating at my ear, I knew that this was exactly what I needed.

She started off hard, fucking me, tearing the air out of my lungs with each thrust and I was instantly lost to Her. I needed to come so badly. I needed to feel lost and taken and owned and used all right in that moment. Over and over I was overwhelmed but Daddy was not about to let me come that easily. I begged, and She waited, but did not stop or slow.

She picked up the pace, in fact. She loves holding me at that edge when I am not allowed to come and have to focus to hold it at bay because it drives the intensity up exponentially. She likes to get me to the point where I am overtaken by desperation and can let it all go. And that is exactly what She was demanding that I be ready to do before She let me come.

It was hot and we were both sweating, already. Something about that added to the intensity as our bodies slid against each other so easily, the sweat lubricating all our skin so that it was slippery and sensual and raw and animalistic.

"You have to let it go, let it all go." She ordered, letting me know that until She could see that I was ready to do just that - to scream and cry and convulse beneath Her - She would not let me come.

She didn't hold back. She drove into me with near-painful speed and force. She grabbed my hair, pulling it back until my chin pointed behind me.

At one point, She shoved one finger into my mouth... or was it Her thumb? I don't remember, exactly - but I do remember that this seemed to do something fantastic to me. Something about the invasiveness of Her finger in my mouth makes me feel really taken and claimed and powerless. I almost craved more fingers, pressing into my mouth, stretching it open for Her. There was something that really triggered for me and my body went wild.

Not long after that, She covered my mouth and then my nose and fucked me harder until I was clawing at Her back for release - for breath and even more importantly at that moment - for the release of orgasm.

Only after long minutes of begging, of chanting "pleasepleasepleaseplease" over and over again like a mantra... only after She made me tell Her I was Her slave and Her whore and Her property - forever... only after She yanked a promise out of me to let it ALL go... did She finally grant me permission to come.

And I exploded. She fucked me while I came, and cried, and whimpered and clutched and clawed at Her. She demanded that I come again for Her, my Owner. She demanded I come for Her, my Daddy. She demanded I come for Her, my Wife and Love. She demanded I give Her everything I had in me at that moment. And, without hesitation, I surrendered my everything to Her.

We fell into a heap and I, unable to move, moved as close to Her as was physically possible, stroking Her skin lightly while Her fingers moved to draw out Her own much needed orgasm. She hadn't found precisely that perfect angle to come inside me, this time, but Her need was great and I moaned and twitched with aftershocks as I watched Her face and felt the pulsing of Her muscles as She tensed and then exploded with release - demanding I come with Her - an easy feat.

She rolled over, teasing me for my squirming, and moved Her fingers to my clit, still jumping and tense. She'd pulled orgasm after orgasm out of me from the inside while She fucked me, but my clit was aching as well and now She was offering, and then demanding that release as well as Her fingers moved in all of the exact right ways over my body. I was begging in seconds and happily obeyed Her when She demanded I come, many more times... more than I can count.

She'd been rough, and harsh, and intense. She was done with me now and got up, and, after washing us up, tossed me a pair of Her boxers, my favourite, for me to shimmy into - with Her help.

I snuggled up tight against Her, my body still vibrating, feather-light after such an exhaustive release, and drifted off to sleep not long after.

Yes, this was exactly what I had needed.

Of course it was.

Daddy knows best.

Tumblr

I decided to give Tumblr a try for quickie thoughts, pictures, quotes, links, etc. I've created a gadget which you can see on the right side of this blog if you want to view my posts from right here on my blog!

My Tumblr page is herlittlegirl.tumblr.com

Defiance

Life has been crazy lately. There have been numerous challenges in my Owner's and my world that had to do with things (and people) outside of our control. With all the outside stressors, the mood just hasn't been right for writing, though I do know that Syr fully intends to finish the story - I'm not always the most patient girl and that fantasy is hot so it's occupying a great deal of my mental attention.

I find that, true to form, with all the outside stress, I am in the mood for a fight. Not the literal kind of fight, but the BDSM kind of fight. I want to kick and scream and struggle and be taken down, hard. It may not be as physical of a fight as it sounds but there is that urge to just resist... to NOT surrender.. to be taken and not to let go until I am forced to let go, until I have no other choice. There is great release in these sort of exchanges. Syr has picked up on my mood and we've had a couple of playful exchanges where there was some struggle.

The other night, in just that mood, Syr quickly commanded my attention and ultimately my compliance by pressing two fingers inside my mouth in such a way that I could not squirm away from them. There was something invasive and hot and scary about this because, again, there was a loss of control. I fought, and I lost, though it was not overly physically taxing.

I think it's cyclical, this need to struggle, and to know that such struggles are ultimately futile by the way my Owner responds. It's one of those things that I used to do subconsciously, and unintentionally manipulative with previous relationships. Now, I am aware of it and try to make the mood known, to let my Owner know I'm in a defiant head-space, seeking a take-down... a release.

It doesn't mean that just because this is what I am aching for that it's what I'm going to get, but I often find that communicating it and being aware of it is what makes it a healthy expression and not a manipulative one. Defiant 'mood' or not, I am still going to take what I am given and if Syr is not in the mood to play that way, we play Her way. I just like to be aware when I'm in that head-space. It *can* and sometimes does bleed into otherwise mundane interactions and I can occasionally find myself snippier or short-tempered as a result of the energy I'm trying to calm on my own. This is where it can present a problem, but I think I've done a pretty good job (this time) of not letting that get the better of me and of, instead, communicating my mood and desires to my Owner to do with as She will.

Schoolgirl Fantasy

My Owner and I were having a blissful sort of day, yesterday. It was the kind of day where everything flowed and we were just, quite simply, on the same wavelength all day long.

We started our day with some fascinating conversation over coffee and the conversation carried us through the next several hours until it gradually tapered off. The afternoon was quieter and at one point we found ourselves sprawled out on a picnic blanket in a shady spot under a tree watching a movie on Syr's netbook.

The movie, itself, was an adorable british comedy, but pervy me couldn't help but perk during one particular scene where a young woman was wearing a schoolgirl outfit, but with thigh high black stockings underneath. Syr noticed my perv-moment and teased me about it.

She made some offhand comment about how I wouldn't know what to do with one of those (a girl like the one in the movie) if I had one. This is true, I admitted quickly. I have always been physically attracted to feminine women, with a particular affinity for adult cheerleaders and women in schoolgirl uniforms - the young and innocent look on a grown up girl is hot, hot, hot to me. But, I also am only physically attracted - at a distant. I have an affinity for the look but would be petrified if one were actually standing in front of me. These women are fantasy-material, only, for me.

Syr then continued on to say... "But I would". The way She said it made my nether-regions do a little flip flop and my reaction must have been clear on my face because Syr perked right up. She clued in on my response right away. I muttered something shyly about how at least I could watch.

A fantasy began to be born and my Owner teased me with it for the duration of our afternoon. It played into my fantasies big time. Instead of needing to know what to do with one of these girls I like to fantasize about, I could bring one to my Owner and watch my Owner overpower her, fuck her, blow her mind - all while I watched. It was so hot to think about.

It is the kind of fantasy that I could not have even allowed myself to mentally entertain a few years ago when I was still raw and wounded from my adventures in open relationships and polymamoury. I am a monogomous girl. This fantasy is exciting and hot because it's a fantasy. It is not the kind of fantasy I would want in reality - that's part of what makes it so hot.

And I kept thinking about it. A lot. I was squirmy. I'm a very visual person. And after more and more teasing, an idea for a story was born. My Owner writes excellent stories, and it has been a while since She'd written one just for me. She got home from our wonderful day together and started writing. I couldn't have been more excited!

By the end of the night, when it was time to go to bed, Syr had a few pages down and She let me read them. They were.... amazing. I am very, very, VERY eager for the rest of the story.

But even thinking about the fantasy and what was written so far had me incredibly worked up! It was nearly 2am by this time and I knew the possibility of doing anything but just crashing into bed was unlikely. But when we got upstairs, Syr snuggled up to me on the bed and started verbally telling me a possible version of the story, and how it might end. She talked and talked until I was moaning with need.... and then She ordered me to undress and She got Her cock and I nearly squealed with delight.

What followed was that kind of sex that happens when both partners are just in exactly the right, and same kind of right, frame of mind. It was raw and animalistic and hot in exactly the right kind of ways. She kept talking about bits of the story as She fucked me, and I was over the edge. I came like the fourth of July and I don't think I moved after until sometime late this morning.

I kept thinking about it today and couldn't help succumbing to an urge to revel in some naughty bliss once more... with a bag of plastic clothespins and a vibrator (and my Owner's netbook set to one of my favourite porn-tube sites). Yes, I was a naughty girl, but really.... it is to my Owner's credit that I am feeling so insatiable all over again, so quickly after being so thoroughly ravished...

Belonging

There is some part of me, some hungry and needy part of me that can only be satisfied by truly belonging to Another. Not, of course, belonging to just anyone, but a particularly special Someone who has earned my trust and my devotion, not by being rough and tough (although I certainly appreciate some rough and toughness), but by being sincere, tender, unashamed to be Themselves, honest, loving, and strong, who sees me as not just good enough - but exactly what They need.

I lived a lifetime of not quite good-enough: Not quite good enough to commit to, to be faithful/loyal to, to keep around, to be kind to, to treasure, to cherish, to truly love. And it wasn't so much that I was not quite good enough, but that I wasn't perceived as good enough, or rather that I wasn't treated as good enough.

But, what I didn't realize, is that the reason this was so, was not because I was somehow lacking, but because they were a poor fit for me, and I for them. In that light, it could just as easily have been perceived as them not being 'quite good enough' for me either. It is a bit like a poorly fitting shoe. Is it the fault of the foot, or the shoe that the fit is poor and why do we struggle so hard to shove our feet in the shoe anyway? When we do that, we end up with a misshapen, permanently damaged shoe, and often a permanently damaged and hurt foot. Lose-lose.

It is only in hindsight that I can see all the poor fits of my past and it is in reviewing them that I am able to look at my present, at the right fit, and realize how completely and perfectly it... fits.

Every part of me is fulfilled within my marriage. My little girl side has a loving and nurturing and firm Daddy. My slave side has a tender, strong, and wise Master. My conventional side has a loving and fair companion who never makes me feel 'less than'. My traditional side has a wonderful and appreciative Butch spouse who appreciates those little traditional/stereotypically housewife things that I like to do, not because I am a femme fulfilling a 1950's stereotype but because I am a woman who happens to just love the 1950's style housewife role.

I just feel very blessed to have the exact life that I want, that I have sought, that I need, and that makes me feel as if all of me has room to express and to be - exactly as I am.

Thank You, my Owner, my Daddy, my Wife, my Syr, my Friend, and my Love for being such a perfect fit.

Healing

Her hand was suddenly at my throat, fingers curling over the edge of my collar, holding it tightly, making me instantly aware of the pressure of Her knuckles against my throat.

She pulled me up from where I sat back on my heels until I was kneeling up on my knees, arched. She tilted Her hand until my eyes met hers, my chin up instead of down, making sure I was meeting Her intent gaze.

Unexpectedly, Her hand swung back and she slapped me across the face, not nearly as hard as it felt to me in the moment but hard enough to get the message across.

"Who owns you?", She demanded in a voice that required I think about the answer before giving it.

"You do, Syr", came my whispered and reverent reply.

"Who VALUES you?" She almost growled, Her eyes boring fiercely into mine.

I swallowed, the world around us having ceased to exist. "You do, Syr."

"Do you get to decide how much I value you?" She asked, sternly.

The significance of the question settled down over and around me like a blanket and I paused before I replied, "No, Syr."

"Who gets to decide how much I value you?"

"You do, Syr."

She paused, giving my collar (and my head) a little shake to emphasize the point. "Do not EVER undermine me by presuming that your value to me is any less than I say it is. Is that understood?"

The tears spilled over and trickled down my cheeks as I held Her gaze. "Yes, Syr" came my trembling reply. No sooner was my response out of my mouth than my Owner pulled me tightly against Her, holding me close while I cried against Her bare chest.

Safe...

Contained...

Loved...

Valued.

Difficult conversations

I've found that one of the hardest things about being in a 24/7 relationship is the difficult emotional stuff. We are each holding each other to a particular standard when it comes to communication and commitment to being our best.

My Owner had to have a difficult conversation with me today around one of my bad habits that She needs me to break, permanently, not only because it's unhealthy for me but because it's triggery for Her. This is, therefore, both a very serious relationship concern AND a D/s concern. There is a rule that I need to be obeying.

First of all, I just have to say, never underestimate the power of a stern lecture.

But seriously, sometimes being called on your stuff is hard. It's hard for both sides of power-exchange relationship. While I think all relationships would benefit from this depth of conversation and honesty with one another, power-exchange relationships require it in order to maintain a healthy balance between desires and functionality and true emotional/psychological health of both parties involved. The bottomy type person in the relationship needs to be able to speak up if the Toppy type person is doing something they are finding damaging/harmful (if the Toppy person doesn't know). The bottomy person has to be able to be clear about necessary boundaries, triggers, and emotional/psychological landmines that might need to be navigated around. The Toppy type person in the relationship has a responsibility toward making sure that they are not overstepping healthy lines, that they are keeping an eye out for the greater good of the bottom as well as the relationship, and that they are being vocal about what THEY need to feel safe/nurtured, etc as well. There are a zillion other communication needs as well... these are just some examples.

So, in this case, with a bad habit of mine the topic of conversation, some big stuff had to be discussed involving my Owner's personal background/triggers around it as well as my desire for help breaking the habit in the form of requested punishment. My Owner needed to know that I was as fully understanding of how this issue felt to Her emotionally and as fully committed to breaking the habit as I was desiring Her help with it. In other words, She needed to know that I wasn't just putting the responsibility on Her to 'fix it', which in a way I sort of was, but out of thoughtlessness/carelessness not ill intent.

But I find that conversations like this are tough. It's tough to hear that something you're doing feels harmful to your partner and it's tough to be held accountable and to be given responsibility and ownership over something and explained the consequences (both from a punishment perspective and a RELATIONSHIP perspective) if you can not fulfill your responsibilities.

In this way, I suppose, I feel far far more vulnerable in a power-exchange relationship than I ever did in former non-power-exchange relationships.

So today is sort of about that vulnerability. I don't feel 'scared', I just feel raw and sensitive and a little down on myself for the habit and contrite in a deep way. I don't know how to describe it..... just where my head is at.

Feeling soft

I am having one of those days where I just feel very soft and content and so safe and loved that I am almost scared. I don't suppose that makes any sense. I feel very open and vulnerable and I suppose in times like this, when I realize just how blessed I truly am, how held and loved and connected I am to my Owner, my Wife, my Daddy, that I get afraid of losing this feeling.

It seems a little silly, but mostly I'm just happy.

I have a partner, a lover, an Owner, a Daddy, and a Wife who I can share anything and everything about myself with and know it will be okay, that I will be safe. That is not something to be underestimated. I have shared myself before, only to find that I placed my trust either carelessly or prematurely. Knowing how safe I am makes me feel almost giddy and reckless.

I wonder sometimes at the magic that is being so completely and totally in love. It is one of the most powerful things there are in this world. So I suppose a part of me is luxuriating in a bit of revelling and just enjoying the moment in my life as a snapshot in a time of just... wonderfulness.

I am...

I am...

A little girl femme: Carefree and truly adoring of rainbows... butterflies... rainbows... pink... unicorns... and eating lucky charms for breakfast at work much to the dismay of my special-k and kashi-crunching coworkers.

A professional femme: A would-be workaholic intent on maintaining work-life balance and mostly succeeding, an office mouse and not a corporate climber. I'm most content in the guts of the business, working the business not watching it and have no interest in stepping into middle (or upper) management.

A pagan femme: My spiritual path lies mostly on the shores of Avalon with my like-minded Sisters but it also is on my Yoga mat and in dharma and meditation and a good old fashioned full moon circle.

A believer femme: I believe. I believe in people, I believe in the people I love. I believe in things that people tell me I shouldn't believe in - like Unicorns and fairies and dragons and true love. I'm not afraid to believe. I've been hurt like crazy for believing, and I will never stop.

A kinky femme: I am a submissive and a masochist but my masochism is never really just physical, there is always an emotional link or need or connection with the experience. I have had transformative experiences on the cross or over a bench or up on a rack and I continue to have transformative experiences every time I dive deeper into my submission and commitment to my Owner (who is also my Wife).

A shy femme: I'm an online socializer and am shy or timid (or ridiculously babbly and unfocused) in person. It's hard for me to make friends in person because I feel awkward and I trust people too easily and am too invested in their opinion of me. I am raw and real and this makes me vulnerable. But I am authentic and so the friendships I do make are genuine ones.

A romantic femme: I know I am a walking stereotype in some ways. I like to be the nurturer and the cook and the homemaker and the child-rearer and the white-picket fence gazer. I love old fashioned chivalry. I love romantic gestures. I'm that girl that swoons over hand picked daisies and a surprise picnic and thinks romance isn't about money but about heartfelt gestures that make me feel appreciated. I thrive on finding ways to let my one and only know how appreciated and adored she is as well, and this is part of the romantic thrill for me.

A mothering femme: Parenting is a part of my identity now, because it has - in so many ways - changed my outlook on life, my priorities, and my ability to deal with life and to accept responsibility for myself, my actions, and their consequences. Being a parent to these boys (young men now) has been and is one of the most rewarding things about my life.

A questioning, seeking femme: I'm always learning, growing, evolving and becoming. I fit best with others who are also on this path. Being on a growth path/journey in this life can be challenging... and it can be hard to make friends and then lose them as your paths go different directions or one moves on while the other has to stay a while. Growing hurts, but it's worth it.

A silly femme: no explanation required.

Beyond satiated...

What a week!

A few days ago, Syr and I were getting ready to head to bed.  I had already changed into my nightgown and we were both doing a bit of last minute fussing around the kitchen and living room to get everything buttoned down for the night.  Syr surprised me by suddenly pressing me against the wall and kissing me deeply, groping by body playfully at the same time.  I remember giggling like a young girl, feeling the way Her hands were sneaking under the hem of my nightgown and pulling away half-heartedly lest we get walked in on.  My timing was impeccable as a few moments later, we were no longer alone.

After having moved into the kitchen to get a drink, though, we were suddenly alone again and Syr wasted no time. This time, She pressed me against the kitchen counter, tugging my panties over my hips to just above my knees, Her fingers found the heat and desire there and She commented on my readiness for Her.  When am I not ready for Her?

She started manipulating my body in that expert way that She does and I was very soon whimpering with need and desire against Her mouth as She kissed me deeply, making it clear that She intended to have me right there.  But, then, she stopped.  She pulled away, reminding me that She owed me a spanking for an earlier infraction.  She leaned me over the counter, my bottom high in the air as She pressed my shoulders down.  She lifted my nightgown up over my hips exposing my bottom and delivered several quick, sharp, slaps that were intense physically but also psychologically in the way that my Owner had caught me so off guard.  She stood me up and pressed me back against the counter and proceeded to work me over with Her fingers until I came, shuddering against Her.  She knew that, in spite of the orgasm She'd just given me that left me breathless, She had only lit the fire of my need... and I could see that evil twinkle in Her eye that made it quite clear She had every intention of stoking the flames even brighter once we were guaranteed a bit more privacy.

She made me wait though... teasing me agonizingly by continuing our evening chores, wandering by me to kiss me - causing me to tangle myself around Her and pull Her closer, demanding more as our mouths and bodies intertwined.... only to pull away just as I started to lose myself again.  She repeated this again and again for likely only minutes, but it felt like hours.... before taking me upstairs to bed.

There, I knelt near Her feet.  She pressed my forehead down to the carpet in front of Her and set one foot on the back of my head, reminding me both verbally and nonverbally that I am owned.  She pulled me up and laid me down on the bed and fucked me quite silly.  It was luxurious how in synch we were. It was sensual but intense the way that our bodies connected. We were mentally in the same place at the same time and everything just worked smoothly and perfectly.  She ground Her cock into me, hard, and ordered me to cum as She did, and then continued to fuck me thoroughly until I came as many times as satisfied Her.  We both collapsed afterward, neither of us willing to move.  We lay tangled in bedsheets and towels, each on the wrong side of the bed and fell asleep just like that.

The following morning had me walking on air.  I was blissful but couldn't get the previous evening out of my head. It was like I was stuck in my memories. I was totally unable to focus. Just thinking about the way She had taken me, had me when and where and how She liked drove me to distraction until, on a whim, I took a risk...

I headed to the washroom on a break and, once settled in a private stall, did a physical check of my cunt, fully expecting to find what I did: swollen, hot... wet... and my clit hard and throbbing.  I gave in to temptation and tentatively began making slow circles over my sensitive clit. It was going particularly well and I bit down hard on my bottom lip as I replayed the scene shared with my Owner the previous evening.  A certain part of me, a naughty part, knew how thoroughly pleased my Owner would be at my brazen behaviour, even though I was risking a punishment for playing without permission.  I imagined telling Her about what I'd done while my fingers moved in faster, and faster circles.  I grabbed my own thigh, digging my nails in deep as my muscles clenched and I arched back.  I was remembering how Her cock felt as it plunged in and out of me, and I remembered the huskiness of Her voice when She growled.... "CUM!" in my ear and I did just that, holding my breath to keep myself quiet in case the public washroom had become occupied while I was distracted.  I pulled myself together, washed up, and straightened my hair before heading back to work, much more able to focus.

As I suspected, my Owner clearly loved hearing about my office debauchery.  I could see Her swell with pride at how driven to distraction the previous evenings ministrations had left me.  It was hard to feel too guilty knowing how much of a thrill She got out of my brazen rule-breaking.  Clearly it was a decision that, while naughty, brought my Owner pleasure. 

Days later, She was still making proud side comments in my ear along the lines of.. "10am in the bathroom, huh?" which made me blush and wiggle as I remembered and made Her grin and strut with pride.  I could feel the energy She put off when we snuggled.  There is a way She touches me when She's not yet done having Her fill. She grinds against me when She spoons me. She lets Her fingers linger longer on the back of my neck, and Her touch is more purposeful. It was like that yesterday into the evening.  

I had been bratting earlier in the car and She had threatened a spanking if I continued. Now, in my defense, until a few months ago, a spanking was often with Her hand or at worst a paddle and rarely a "serious" punishment. It was often a more playful one, the kind that was thrilling and erotic but not particularly disciplinary.  However, since the red thing (Our friend T calls it the Wife beater as He has a matching one so perhaps I'll call it that, too).... has been reserved for very serious discipline for the breaking of, well really one very specific rule.  Since the bratting earlier was something else entirely, I was NOT expecting Syr to take the Wife Beater down off the wall and tell me to roll over on the bed with my bottom in the air.  I resisted, arguing that I had no idea that had been what She was threatening.  Syr reminded me that She can beat me, with the Wife Beater or any other implement for Her own amusement, even if there have been no infractions. I felt this was very unjust, but couldn't argue that She HAD warned me. I just didn't realize what I was being warned about at the time.  So, I did roll over, but not without a bit of 'encouragement' from Her hand in my hair.

She did not hold back and, as usual with the Wife Beater, I begged and sobbed and She still did not stop until She'd gone past what I could handle, making sure the message was loud and clear. I had no say, I am an owned slave and my Owner may do what She wishes with me and this was for my greater good.  I was, as always, grateful even through my tears but She did not hold me for quite as long this time.  Instead, She left me to my tears and before I realized what was happening, She was pulling me up onto my knees, my hot and stinging bottom toward Her as Her cock nudged against my cunt. 

She marvelled at how much of a contradiction it must feel like for me to be so contrite and tearful while my pussy was so hot and wet and ready for Her.  I can't explain how the discipline that She provides can be so intense and truly physically painful and emotionally taxing and yet leave me so ready for Her, so aching for Her... but it does. And this is the first time She has taken advantage of that since She introduced true corporal punishment into our dynamic months ago.  She wasted no time plunging Her cock into me, letting my stinging bottom smack against Her.  I felt so taken, so thoroughly owned, and this position is particularly intense due to the size of my Owner's cock.  She did not hold back as She tangled Her hands in my hair and pulled me roughly back onto Her again and again before ordering me to cum.  

After just one orgasm, She ordered me onto my back and took me that way.  She was merciless and rough but tender as always in the ways that matter. It's so hard to describe how well balanced we are in bed.  The way that She maintains control and intensity and makes me feel so thoroughly claimed and submissive, fully surrendered - and yet can touch me so gently and kiss me so passionately.  Sometimes i feel like being this in love and this fully devoted to each other is a walking contradiction to the intensity of an Owner/slave dynamic but my Goddess - it really works.    

Syr worked me over with Her cock for over an hour.  I lost count of how many times I came for Her. I remember the desperate way I clung to Her body, the times She made me wait and beg as She moved slowly and the times She moved faster than I thought possible piling my orgasms on top of one another like building blocks.  I remember the point I reached when I thought my clit was on fire and She sat up and away from me, bringing my own hand to my clit and ordering me to get myself off, as I had in the bathroom the other day, but this time while She moved Her cock inside me.  I came explosively after that, and again... and again.  I was sobbing while She fucked me with the biggest emotional release I've had in some time.

When I woke this morning, I could barely move. Every muscle in my body hurts, including ones I didn't know I had.   She so thoroughly decimated me last night that my libido is almost nonexistent.  My body is almost devoid of sensation in the wake of the sensory overload of the last few days and I am...

totally....

satiated.