On being a bad, petulant girl

Yesterday started out well enough. I was actually having a marvelously wonderful "good girl" day yesterday.


I remembered my rules. There aren't many but all address challenging things for me (bad habits, lifestyle changes, etc). I was very conscious of my nail-chewing habit and hardly did it at all, all day at work. I did a little in the evening, but that was it. I counted all my points and planned healthy snacks and meals (weight watchers points). I took my yoga break. Those three, alone, definitely made for a good girl day.


And then - I got home.


I had the best of intentions. I was excited about making a yummy (but still low-fat) dinner for Syr. I had the unfortunate luck, however, to have started my period at a VERY inconvenient time and had to figure out getting bathed AND getting dinner started, so that Syr wouldn't have to wait too long for Her meal.


We had a miscommunication, though, in that Syr was wanting a bath but was going to wait until I had mine, and I had to have mine first for the aforementioned reason, but what I didn't know was that Syr was actually quite sore from work. She didn't just want a bath, it was something She was going to need, and She delayed Hers so that I could have mine - but when I got home, I was doing some futzing. I was trying to get some help from one of the boys to get dinner started so I could take my bath without delaying dinner, thinking of Syr's hunger. But in the delaying, I ended up frustrating Syr who, 20 minutes of futzing later, realized She could have had Her bath instead of waiting for me.


So we had a fight. It wasn't a big one, really. It was a lot of miscommunication from two PMS-ing females. ;) We are cycling together lately, which is both good - and bad. So it wasn't anything earth shattering, but I had a moment.


A bad moment.


She said something to me, that I didn't like, and walked away. It wasn't anything cruel, merely dismissive and frustrated. And I didn't like it. And I wanted Her to know it. I was angry and hurt.


So I slammed the bathroom door as hard as I could. And as the door shut in its frame, the heel of my hand went INTO the soft (cheap) veneer of the hollow door. *yelps*


I put a HOLE in one side of our bathroom door with my one act of defiance. I looked at it and quickly hopped in my super-shallow bath, and just started sobbing. I was angry and upset and hurt and my emotions were NOT appropriate to the situation. There was no call for me to be that freaked out, but I think what was hurting/upsetting me the most was knowing I'd just done something REALLY bad, and on a day I was trying to be so GOOD.


I'd lost my temper and I didn't even know how I was going to tell Syr what happened. But I didn't have to. She came into the bathroom a few minutes later... and saw it Herself.


We talked out what happened, with regard to the argument itself, and to Her credit, She stayed quite calm the whole time. We resolved the actual disagreement without too much fuss. Syr had Her bath while I cooked dinner...


I just couldn't shake the awful feeling that I was (am) just a terrible slave, terrible submissive, that I should never have lost my temper or acted out that way. I felt... feel... awful.


I know Syr was disappointed, really disappointed. That part really sucked. I spiralled, because I felt like my focus had been so good all day, I'd been focusing on Her, trying to be a good girl, follow my rules and in one moment I went from "good girl" status to "bad girl" status.


And if there's one thing that makes me feel awful, it's being a bad girl. I mean, we're not talking even just from a D/s standpoint. My whole life it was ALL ABOUT being the good girl, the one who followed the rules, behaved, didn't lie or sneak out of the house. Those few occasions that I broke the rules as a teenager, I was consumed with stress or guilt. I just far prefer to be the good girl.


How do I reconcile that with real emotion and real human fallacy? Humans make mistakes, we screw up, we lose our temper.


Syr told me lately that I am no longer allowed to have displays of anger/frustration. No throwing things or slamming doors or shouting. She asked me to explore why I reacted that way and what I was thinking at the time it happened.


It's hard to describe what I was thinking/feeling at the moment I slammed the door, or at any moment I shout or lose my temper. I know that I feel rebellious and angry and frustrated and most of all I feel like I'm being picked on. It's not logical - most of the time, Syr is just being angry or frustrated, but She rarely raises Her voice. She doesn't attack, even in anger. The worst thing She's ever done is walk away, shut down, etc. But when She doesn't respond the way I want Her to or when She doesn't say what I want Her to say... how I want Her to say it, when we're fighting or even when I'm apologizing, I feel like She's being *mean*.


Writing it out, now, two things become very very obvious.


1. These responses in me are very childish, almost regressively so. And I'll be honest, when in that headspace all I want to do is stomp my feet and bang my fists against the mattress and bawl my eyes out.


2. This is really the key now isn't it? "But when She doesn't respond the way I want Her to or when She doesn't say what I want Her to say... how I want Her to say it, when we're fighting or even when I'm apologizing, I feel like She's being *mean*" Exactly. I want. I expect. I control. *sigh*


In the end, my instinctive desire is for Her to respond to me in ways I expect and understand, not to be unpredictable. I want Her to "see it my way" and when She doesn't, I lose my temper or get really really wounded and feel like I'm being picked on. It's not rational, and it's definitely bred from my need to control/manipulate situations so that I am not caught off guard.


Thinking about it from this angle really helps me put it in it's place. My whole life until I was out on my own (and actually for much after that) was about everyone else having the control and their issues, their "stuff" tripping me up at every turn. Nothing was predictable. My life was a ticking time bomb. I was waiting for one family member or another or a partner to blow up, all the time. And when that happened, it was hurtful and traumatic - every time.


Living like that instills a certain fear in you. You keep waiting for the bomb to go off, and so even the mildest ticking, even the meaningless sort, sends you into panic that doesn't even seem appropriate for the situation.


And I think that's a huge key to my big upsets/freak-outs when there is tension between Syr and I. Anytime She gets upset with me, it's like I hear the ticking. She's NEVER been a bomb-force in my life like that. Not ever. She's always been stable and safe and loving and healthy for me. So the fear is unfounded. But even still, if She shuts down or gets angry, I have fear as if She is a bomb like the people in my past were.


It makes much sense now. The key is, deprogramming that fear - so that I can learn to trust and know that it's not ticking at all, but something completely different, and it isn't a sign that something bigger is or might happen. I need to learn to be in the moment.


And once again, it all cycles back to trust, and to surrender. Surrendering to the moment, trusting Her at face value when we have disagreements. Most of all, I need to work on relinquishing my need to try to affect the outcome. All I can do is be real, be honest, really listen, and most of all NOT panic.


And so there are a lot of lessons to take away from this.


This is the first time in a long time that I have desperately wished for punishment, real punishment, awful punishment - something severe and terrible. Atonement.


That is not something I'm familiar with. Yes I am grateful for punishment, always, because it helps me to have boundaries, and it makes me feel loved and secure to feel the containment that punishment offers. But I am not used to craving it for atonement, for forgiveness that's earned not just given to make me feel better.


I know that no matter what, it is a lesson in trust to accept whatever Syr decides to do about this. If She chooses to punish, then acceptance of that is a lesson to be learned. If She chooses not to punish, that is something I need to accept too because I know She knows what is best for me.


Whether there is punishment or not, I do desperately need Her forgiveness.

My Good Girl List

It's far too easy to pick apart what we do or don't do, and discuss our mistakes, our shortcomings, our hurdles, and our challenges. But I find it's not so easy to talk about the good things we do.

I have decided to start 'victory' lists. One nilla, and one kinky. This here, is the home of the kinky one. I'm calling it my "Good Girl" list.

Starting now, I will keep a running tally of the things I do that make me feel like I've been a good girl, a good slave for my Syr. Each time I think of one, or Syr notices something that even I didn't, I'll add it to the list. It's a bit of personal positive encouragement for me. :)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My Good Girl List

4/15/08: I remembered to do my Yoga and I kept track of my food while at work.

4/15/08: I picked up a special lunch for Syr to take to work and surprised Her with it (Her own mini baguette and wedge of brie)

4/16/08: I remembered to do my Yoga and I kept track of my food while at work.

4/16/08: I sent Syr a text message that said "I love You, Syr." while at work.

4/17/08: I remembered to do my Yoga and I kept track of my food while at work.

4/17/08: Planned a beautiful meal for Syr and texted Her to tell Her I had a lovely dinner planned: "I have a lovely dinner planned for You, my Owner". *shiver-purr*

4/18/08: I remembered an assignment Syr had given me last night, and in spite of some big stuff that took up a lot of my energy, I completed my assignment first, because it was important to me to prioritize it.

4/18/08: I counted all my points and planned a healthy, tasty, dinner that I know Syr will LOVE.

4/18/08: When Syr gave me a punishment, I trusted it and prioritized it, working on it right away and not trying to put it off.

4/19/08: When Syr did a 'trust game' with me, I surrendered to the moment, relaxed, and trusted Her to lead me.

4/20/08: I kept track of my foods/points all weekend long.

Possession and Surrender (My Six Word Memoir)

Possession and Surrender ~ This was a concept I sort of discovered when I was burned out by the BDSM "community" and all the pretense and bullshit. I was done being jerked around and realized that I just couldn't do D/s if that's what it was about. And yet, some part of me still yearned to give up, give in, submit.... surrender. I found that even in my vanilla interactions with romantic or sexual partners that there was still an element of submission to the very energy that I brought to the experience.

And so, I started a discussion on a community list about this topic. Here are some excerpts from that discussion (my words/thoughts only):

"To me, to possess, to yearn to be possessed.. is more than just being Dominated... it is giving up ones self completely to the Other in that moment, moments, lifetime. It is a full and complete feeling and one that requires no props (though they are lots of fun!) And often, I find this phenomenon happens naturally."

"Surrender.. to surrender... to be surrendered to... implies again a more full and complete giving of ones self. To me, surrender means to let go completely. Away, go my inhibitions and self-consciousness and self-doubt. Away, go my nervousness and fear. Instead there is only the sweet softness of surrender. "

“Before, I submitted out of need. Now, I surrender out of choice.”

“To surrender is to allow.. It is to allow the lesson to be learned, to be received. It is to allow for perfect completeness of sensation and of trust. It is to allow one to permeate your being for those few moments, or for a lifetime.”

“There is fear when one attempts to surrender without being fully prepared. It is an unmasking. It is a clear and stark reality. It is trusting the other to see you as you truly are, not the you that you portray through all the many masks and veils that we wear in our day to day lives. It is purity.”

I have always yearned to feel posessed, owned. And I have always yearned to surrender, to let go, to give in, and to submit.

These are themes present throughout my entire life. While subconsciously, it seems, my 'programming' has me trying to control and manipulate, what I yearn for - what I desire - is the sweet serenity of surrender.

And so my six word memoir is simple:
I am learning how to surrender

I was tagged by Lenora who was tagged by Saratoga

The rules are as follows:
-Write your own six word memoir

-Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like

-Link to the person that tagged you in your post

-Tag five more blogs with links

-And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play

**Sorry everyone! I don't really know who to tag!! But please feel free to participate if you're interested!**

A little girl's random thoughts...

I'm sitting on the bed, next to my Syr. She is playing a video game and I am enjoying a simple happy sensation of contentedness.

This is especially notable given that we had a difficult early evening thanks to more of my issues - this time a trigger of mine around food. It wasn't the most fun experience, ever, but as always we communicated and learned more about each other in the process.

I'm craving Her, like craving water after walking in the hot, dry, desert all day. I'm craving that indescribeable feeling of Her cock driving into me, filling me, claiming me.

She kisses me and I shiver inside, in my very spirit-center from down deep and low to that high point inside of me that makes me near giddy with want and need.

I'm craving the feeling of Her teeth against my soft skin, and of the span of Her hand pressing me down, holding my body into the mattress as Her cock plays me like a musical instrument.

I want to feel Her hands tangle in my hair and pull, hard, as She presses - so deep - and Her body shudders as She comes inside me.

I want to surrender, and melt, and obey and be.

The Chase

I was in an odd sort of head space yesterday afternoon and evening. I am not sure why, but I slipped into this odd head space where I'm almost adrenaline-filled, hyper, and craving physical release of the non-sexual variety.

I'm not sure where this mood comes from, except I do know I've experienced it my entire life.

When I was young, I used to have an outlet for it. I would merely dare the boys on the playground - taunt and chide them until they chased after me. That exhilarating feeling of having pushed too far and running, running, running - was probably the best feeling in the whole world.

If caught, they would often put me in the 'dungeon'. It was harmless children playing, really. The dungeon was any defensible physical space on the playground that would result in my inability to escape.

Sometimes it was a spot under the slide of the big toy, with a couple of guards there to make sure I didn't get out until the bell rang. Once, I remember it was inside this big dome shaped climbing toy. I remember that one the most, because two boys circled it and kept me there until way after the bell, making me late for class. I was quite distressed because I didn't break the rules at school, and I knew I would be in trouble for being late.

My memories of this playground play are incredibly vivid, even still. I recognize it, in a fashion, now for what it was. Even at that young age I had far too much power to manipulate people around me, and control. I knew it. I was in a dysfunctional household/family where I was prized for being "good". But being good didn't mean being healthy. It meant that I knew how to kiss up, and make myself appear to be whatever my family members needed me to be so that I could fly under the radar, and hopefully protect those that I felt needed to protecting. Of course when you're 7 or 8 years old and doing that - obviously there's some pretty intense psychological game-playing behaviour being learned.

Subconsciously, I'm sure that I was aware that I was basically always manipulating/controlling the people around me - and it was psychological. And obviously that wasn't something that felt "good" to me. I wanted to give up control, be taken care of, not have to take care of everyone else.

And so this pattern was born. I would be in need of that release of control, so I would goad the boys until they chased me... controlled me.

The sensations in my body when I hit one of those moods today as an adult, are almost identical and I recognize the exact same sensations and remember the chase in the playground.

But within my submission and my dynamic with my Syr, where does that fit in?

If you guessed: "it doesn't" you're sort of right. Because in order for me as a submissive to goad my Syr into "chasing" me (or in its adult context: slamming me hard and fast into subspace), I have to REALLY do something bad. Really bad.

I don't WANT to do something bad, however, because my desire is to please Her not frustrate or anger Her.

So often I find myself hitting uber-brat mode. But more than that, my physical and psychological need is a physical outlet. So rather than the usual verbal teasing and playful brattiness I might fall into, instead I want to be physical. It's still playful, but what I'm wanting to do is wrestle, bite, throw ice down Her shirt - anything for THE CHASE.

And I restrain myself, usually, from doing anything REALLY bad and for the most part these moods are in fun. But of course - Syr knows She can't exactly reward the behaviour either.... whichhhh means no chase.

How do I reconcile that as a submissive? How do I, an owned slave, fulfill this long-lived need to push so hard that control is RIPPED from me? In these times, it's not about Dominance and submission, even. It's about raw power. It's about wanting to pit my strength against Hers in a physical way and LOSING.

It's about wanting to be TAKEN DOWN.

It's intense and overwhelming and very very hard to find an outlet for in the reality of the real world and our lack of privacy.

In any case, I recognized the sensations, the needs, the wants... in me. Syr did too, but I think it's a struggle for Her to determine the best way to respond to it. She doesn't want to reinforce the bad parts of this behaviour, even if she enjoys the playful aspects of it. So how can She respond? It's sort of a catch 22 for Her, because I WANT Her to slam me into the ground. But if She does so because I've goaded, then haven't I just manipulated Her (which is exactly the sensation I want to get away from when I'm in this head space)?

It feels like a double-edged sword no matter how one looks at it, doesn't it?

Syr waited until I was a bit better behaved and during those windows, She established control and dropped me several times early in the evening. She would pull my hair, put me on my knees - and each time, I would drop into that lovely subspace. But it lacked the dynamics of The Chase, and so that adrenaline-like feeling would take over again and my need would come back full force.

I had to go out for a few hours, then, and so was left to my thoughts and to examine it all in my head. I didn't come to any major conclusions, but I did realize that my need was my responsibility and that it was up to me to find a way to communicate that need to my Syr. I made a conscious choice to give up The Chase, in order to take responsibility for my needs. I was proud of myself, but I think only half-convinced that asking and receiving (in a best case scenario) would provide the same sensations as The Chase would. But I knew I had to try.

When I got home, I hesitated, and beat around the bush... and finally admitted I had a question to ask Syr, a request.

The sentence was formed in my mind, but oh my, I simply could NOT get it out. Syr recognized it was a D/s question instantly and Her demeanor slipped into that place where Her Dominant energy just swirls around Her and I find myself transfixed, and frozen, and nervous and little.

I managed to ask "Would it be okay if I knelt in front of You and..."

The ... was where I stopped. What I realized I wanted to ask Her was something so beyond what I could ever imagine ASKING for. I mean what I wanted to ask Her for is the sort of thing one isn't really supposed to want or need (at least according to mainstream society). I mean, asking for a spanking is easier (though still challenging) because at least that has more face-time in society these days. LOTS of people spank or like to be spanked, so there's some mental acceptability with it.

Syr kept encouraging me to finish, and I could see that sparkle in Her eye, the one that proves how much She enjoys it when I squirm and struggle to say something. Finally, with my face buried in Her neck I got it out...

"and.. and would You slap me, Syr? Please?"

*gulp*

Syr chuckled and held me close.

"And what if I say no, slave?", She asked. "What if I don't WANT to slap You?"

She bit my neck and I whimpered. I knew She wouldn't do it, if She didn't want to, and so I know that the point She was making was that it was HER decision. She was making it clear that I wasn't "topping from the bottom" and She knew it. She wanted to make sure I knew She knew it.

"Then kneel, slave."

I practically poured myself off the bed where we'd been talking onto the fur on the floor. She reached out a hand to run a finger along my jaw and I shied away a little. She reacted quick as lightning and placed my forehead down on my fur.

"Don't you dare shy away from the very thing you've asked for, little girl."

I whimpered softly as She placed her foot on the back of my head, the weight of it reassuring and I felt myself start to sink.

She directed me to sit up again and she wrapped her left hand tightly in my hair, pulling my head back slightly until I met Her eyes.

She said some things then, and it's a blur, because when I hit this place, mentally, it's like we're in a different world - out of space and time - a place that is wholly ours, and it is very much an otherworldly experience to the point where trying to describe it later always seems to dim in comparison to the experience of it.

She reminded me who I am, who owns me, and who is in charge.

The first slap across my cheek sent shocks throughout my entire body, it was so filled with the energy of Her.

She made me meet Her eyes. "Look at me, slave."

"MINE", She growled and delivered another slap.

Each time my eyes drifted closed as I floated on the energy of Her, She would tug just once on the hair gripped in Her fist and make me look at Her. That was so potent, seeing the raw energy there, the raw intensity.

A final slap and She held her hand over my mouth and nose for the briefest of moments, though it felt longer, and then pulled me into Her safe embrace with soft kisses to my forehead.

She directed me to bed, then, and I curled up against Her body, laying my head on it's usual pillow: Her shoulder, and whispered "Thank You Syr" against her neck as I was already floating away to the land of dreams on the peaceful floating sensations She'd just gifted to me.

"You're welcome, little girl." She whispered against my forehead before bestowing my goodnight kiss there.

Spontaneous Confessions

Syr asked me to post about this little exchange we had this evening because, I think, she takes great pleasure and amusement in my... suffering.

Shocking, huh? ;)

Syr and I have a full disclosure marriage, relationship, friendship, and dynamic. As such, we don't have secrets from each other, period. We've always been that way. It's interesting because it's allowed me a sense of security unlike anything I've ever known. I trust Her more than I have likely trusted any other human being I've ever known.

One of the intersting byproducts of this pure trust and unquestioning full disclosure situation is that I do NOT have the ability to keep anything from Her. At all. In fact, even gifts are hard to keep a secret.

So... let's say I was doing something like one of my bad habits (chewing my nails, as an example), and she suspects that's what I'm doing but can't see me (like she asks from another room).

It goes a little like this, usually and only IF I try to deny it.

"Are you biting your nails, little girl?"

"Um... no?" (yes, with a ? I suck at denials too)

"are you telling me the truth?"

"No" *pout*

And that's the end of that.

However, most of the time, if I've done something bad, I end up confessing it. This amuses Her to some degree, always, because She fully admits it makes her job easier. ;)

But sometimes, it's extra amusing... sort of like this evening:

I was chewing this one spot of my fingernail, and Syr says "stop that!" And I tried to explain that I had this one spot on it that was bothering me. And so She told me to go "take care of it properly". So I headed to the bathroom, which sort of implied I was headed for a fingernail file, or clippers or... something.

Now... the reality is, that my teeth do the job, and I was a little hyper at the time, so I think I knew that I was going to do was go in the bathroom and bite off that little bit that was bugging me, anyway, and halfway down the hall, I raised my finger to my mouth and...

*SCREAM* as Syr was RIGHT behind me and growled: "WHAT are you doing?"

"Meep." came the sound out of me.

So then Syr clued in - that I was going to the bathroom to "take care of it properly" by not taking care of it properly and simply using the opportunity out of sight to bite the offending nailbit off.

She asked me if that was what I intended to do and I just started laughing.

It's important to point out, at this time in the story, that when I am being questioned or under duress, I laugh - inappropriately. Syr knows it (thank goodness) but couldn't help laughing herself in response. Interestingly, the D/s energy between us was still very strong during this exchange.

So I admit that yes that's what I was doing... but I'm laughing and trying not to look at Her and I can feel that verbal spewing of confession bubbling just underneath the surface and I just desperately need to get away from Her at that moment so I don't blurt out something really bad...

And then She says something else, I can't remember exactly what but along the lines of repeating back to me what i was about to do: "So you were about to NOT obey me and instead just use the privacy of the bathroom to chew your nail anyway?"

And then spewed forth the verbal (giggling) duress-filled spontaneous confession: "but that's what I ALWAYS do!"

No... i didn't intend to say it, it just came out. And the horror on my face immediately after it left my lips sent Syr into peals of laughter so intense that she had tears at the corners of her eyes and of course in response to Her laughter, I'm laughing even harder, and we're both laughing and yet throughout the ENTIRE exchange, I am WELL aware that I'm in big trouble, and She is certainly not about to ignore the admission...

So I try to shut myself up because for some reason at that moment, I just knew that somehow I was going to end up saying something else to get myself in trouble.

Syr's amused enough that she decides now is a good time to take advantage of the situation and ask if there was anything else I had to confess.

Thankfully, I don't think there was, because - I really don't keep things from her. The nailbiting bathroom habit thing wasn't exactly something I was doing intentionally or thinking about.

Of course, after this exchange of laughing so hard, I really DID have to use the bathroom!! But, since I was still in big trouble, Syr followed me into the bathroom and almost stayed to watch - and that was a reality check if there ever was one! I've got serious bathroom shyness... I think She made Her point though. No more biting my nails behind closed doors.

Giving Submission

I haven't posted much lately, here. There has just been a lot going on in our lives. But on many levels, whenever something big happens in our life together, it usually yields new growth and new opportunities.

Over the last week or so, I had a couple of really amazing "light bulb" moments about myself. Recognizing those things, dealing with them, and being honest about them has really helped me to grow and also, in some ways, to shed some old nasty patterns that were really ready to go.

I still fall into old habits, sure, but growth - small or large - always feels really empowering and healing.

One of the wonderful side effects of this growth was a realization that I needed to work on not trying so hard to 'make' Syr have to work for my submission. The wording of that is all kinds of inflammatory, which I am well aware of - but it's the most honest way I know how to put it.

A healthy D/s dynamic takes the work of both parties to maintain. Syr's responsibilities in that include establishing and maintaining my boundaries, or "containing" me (a term I've really come to identify with after reading on persephone's blog). My responsibilities include trusting Syr to do just that (and actually letting her) as well as owning my end of the deal by actually giving Her my submission with and without provocation from Her.

I think it's easy to fall into the trap of wanting a Dominant to take charge, be in control, and be responsible for the D/s and whether it succeeds or fails. But I realized that sometimes I expect Her to do like ALL the work. I don't LITERALLY think that way, but that's really what it boils down to. When I'm craving a drop, I really want that from Her - some action or reminder.

But over the course of the last few days, I've realized that I don't do enough on my own, without Her prompting. I do some, yes. I communicate and I own my needs and I make offers and when we are definitely in private and I am free to express myself, I often will fall to my knees at Her feet or fall into a soft subspace. Yet - in our regular (and by all purposes "vanilla") activities, I lose sight of my vows to Her, and of my responsibility in maintaining the 24/7 energy between us.

And I realized that when we are in a 'vanilla' setting or mood or what-have-you, and She asks me for something, that I don't treat Her, always, with the same respect I would were we in different moods, or in private. Living without the ability to exercise the full extent of that respect due to privacy issues has created a sort of dividing line between the respect She gets when we are in a D/s headspace, and that she gets the 'rest' of the time. And this has established some not so hot patterns.

So when I realized this, I decided to make a conscious effort to change it. When She asks for something, now, I do it. It seems simple, but in the usual every day mundane activities, it's not so hard to fall into a pattern of "in a minute, honey" or "I'm just going to finish this up first..." or "do you need me to do that right now?" (that last one especially when I'm feeling a bit grumpy).

I suppose the last couple of days have been a bit of a trial run, and it hasn't been flawless. But in remembering that She is my Syr *ALL* the time, not just when She has the privacy to demonstrate that, and consciously reminding myself to treat Her as my Syr all the time, I've discovered something really cool..

When She (in as vanilla a mood as can be) says "Can you please get me a glass of water?", and I get it, without hesitation or question, suddenly I am getting exactly what I need.

Duh.

Interesting how lately there has been so much talk of experience, and how long one has been in the lifestyle and how that translates to what qualifies one to say they are "experienced"... and here I am, having been in the Lifestyle to one degree or another since I was 19 years old, and I'm just a baby in some ways, still just a noob in my own way.

It's no different than any other of life's greatest treasures - you have to find the power to get your needs from within before seeking them from without - and it just clicked.

The more often I obey and trust, all on my own, because I want to - because it's right, because it's a natural expression of who I am and who my Syr is to me, the deeper my submission grows.

Pretty cool, huh?

At Least One Thing

I think that anyone who is in a 24/7 dynamic, particularly in a family environment that involves kids will admit that consistency can be challenging - particularly when there is a lack of privacy, and a need to function in the vanilla world in a positive, healthy way every single day.

As an owned slave, I often find comfort and reward in the small acts of service, hidden in the guise of vanilla activities: Making a coffee or latte for Syr and putting that extra bit of effort into it, keeping the bedroom clean (er... when I remember to do so), getting Her lunch ready, surprising Her with a treat, meal planning and cooking an interesting and healthy dinner and always being sure to set the plate in front of Her myself.

I write a lot about new tricks, things Syr or I discover that can reinforce our dynamic while remaining subtle or suitable for being done in a small space in private, or things that are quiet. The reason I talk so much about it is because we are always looking for ways to allow our dynamic to thrive so that we stay grounded in who we are to each other.

Syr told me to come up with a topic on my own today - and I really struggled with it, thinking of all the things I have found curiousity-piquing, or otherwise interesting of late - things in our dynamic I've noticed lately or particularly enjoyed.

But then, almost out of nowhere, I found myself thinking "I wish there were at least ONE thing that Syr had complete, unequivicable, unquestioning, solid control over". This thought bears explaining, because the reality is there are many things that She controls... the list is actually fairly long. But of these, few are realistically perfectly unquestionable. There are allowances made because real vanilla life - happens. There is an element of reality in our dynamic - there has to be, and I get that. But I long for one thing, no matter how small or mundane, that Syr maintains control of 100% of the time, without exception.

I don't mean things like having to have permission to experience an orgasm, or having a chore like being responsible for the upkeep and tidiness of the bedroom or cooking dinner.

I mean - handing over 100% of the control over all things related to some simple activity. For years, I've seen slaves practice the protocol of having to ask permission before using the bathroom. I've always felt drawn to that one because it is such a necessary biological function that to hand over control of that completely would be an ever-present reminder of what it means to be owned. Yet I worry that it wouldn't be possible for it to be perfect in its consistency. Right now - it is easy for me to reach Syr while we are both at work, so it would be easy enough now. However there are times using the washroom is urgent, and if one of us is unreachable that makes it less realistic. And this whole urge to give over complete control of one thing is to give it up totally - not give it up 'only when home' or only when in each others company (though that has its benefits as well).

For the purpose of this idea, I feel it must be something similar though - something that is done daily as a part of normal, every day life.

What are things I do every day, regardless of where I am or what is going on in my life?

Breathe
Sleep
Eat
Drink
Use the bathroom
Speak
Drive (almost every day)
Walk
Recreation (knit? watch tv? play on the computer?)

Of the above, what would not be harmful or produce guilt in Syr if I had to deny myself that particular activity until I had permission?

Breathing ~ Hmm.. yeah lol this would cause harm and frankly asking to breathe is overkill don't ya think? Syr owns the breath in my body but this wouldn't exactly be suitable for having to ask permission first. ;)

Sleep ~ Asking permission to sleep has it's appeal, though reality dictates that when we're watching a movie with the kids and I fall asleep accidentally, that's not something She can easily enforce (subtly) or would even be interested in enforcing. Having to ask permission before coming to Bed or going to sleep for the night might be productive.

Eat ~ I seriously gave this one thought. It might be helpful in a number of ways, both as reinforcing my place as Her owned pet/slave AND in curbing impulse eating to have to ask for permission before eating anything (when I am in Her presence) or for permission to eat anything in excess of planned meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner) when I am not with Her.

Drink ~ Perhaps having to ask permission to drink anything other than water could be productive and serve as a reminder.

Use the bathroom ~ Well I discussed this above - I remain highly intrigued by the idea but wonder at the feasibility of consistency with this as it could cause physical pain or humiliation (of the not good kind) to have a bathroom 'emergency' and not be able to reach Her and I know that would NOT be something She'd find pleasing.

Speak ~ Perhaps for special occasions, having to maintain a "speak only when spoken to for x amount of time" might be an interesting experiment, to see how it affects me, and what it does to my headspace.

Drive ~ Now this one is interesting to me because driving always is initiated from home (except when returning from work) and would cause me no harm if I were unable to obtain permission and had to walk or take transit to get where I was going.

Walk ~ Ok, I have to admit a part of me gets all blushy and small at thinking of having to ask permission to walk upright - if only it were feasible. Alas, crawling around is not exactly subtle...

Recreation ~ Activities for my pleasure/enjoyment: this one is probably of all of these the most easily incorporated subtly and the least likely to cause some kind of negative fallback. The fact that it's the 'easiest' doesn't necessarily make it the MOST intriguing to think about - but it does bear consideration. Asking for permission to do something I wish to do for my personal pleasure such as watching television, movies, knitting, playing video games, play on the internet, etc is highly appropriate to an experiment such as this because:

A: it puts me in mind of who I'm thinking of (me) by wanting to do that activity and by having to ask permission first, it realligns my focus and reminds me that even while I do an activity for my personal pleasure/enjoyment I do so only at my Owner's will and as it pleases Her.

B: It gives Syr an opportunity to ask me to complete a chore or assignment first - and completely disables my ability to 'procrastinate' on things I know I am supposed to be doing - a nasty habit of mine. If I ask permission to watch tv and knit for example, She could simply give a conditional consent (IE Yes you may, after you tidy the bedroom/do the dishes/do some exercise) or even to deny me if She would rather my attention be on Her and not the activity in question.

C: If I am unable to reach Syr to get Her permission, I am unable to engage in a personally pleasing/entertaining activity which harms me not at all - though it would probably be good to discuss acceptable alternative activities at moments like those so that I know the boundaries of such a rule.

~~~~

I'd say of all of these I'm drawn to some of them for occasional use or only when we are together (permission to use bathroom, permission to eat, etc) and I am drawn to a couple others for their feasibility in being enforceable and my personal intrigue over the impact they might have (permission to drink anything other than water, permission to drive, permission to engage in personal entertainment).

And of these, it would be easy enough to come up with ways to seek permission in subtle ways or simply to *wait* (without concern that any harm would befall me if I had to wait to ask or skip the activity) until I could ask.

It's entirely possible that all of these would seem tiresome and boring to Syr. It's equally possible that She may find them highly enticing and appealing. I leave that to Her. But idea-sharing is something we have always done and I know She appreciates hearing my thoughts and ideas especially with creative ways to enforce and deepen our dynamic.

At the end of the day, in our inescapably vanilla world of jobs, budgets, stress, kids, and responsibilities we share - there could be huge benefits to finding at least one thing that we can apply with perfect consistency, no matter where we are or what is going on in our life together at any given moment. And that is what this exploration was all about...

Counting Down

For some reason, writing this entry has me all blushy and bashful!

I have become a rather faithful reader of persephone's blog, in large part because I find her dynamic very loving and enticing and psychological and much much more about the D/s than about S/M which can be hard to find these days - as so often it seems to be more about the physical than the mental (or at least that seems to be what people tend to write about, and read about most.

In any case, I have found several different things I've read about there to be quite stimulating and these things, in discussions with Syr have led to some incredible exchanges and realizations between us, whether modified or just outright tried as is.

Most notably of these is the new practice of 'quiet time', where Syr directs me to place my forehead to the floor (usually on my kneeling fur), or does it for me, from a kneeling position. Inspired by one of her posts, Syr just did it one day, and it has become a very very grounding and centering experience for us both - something that has enhanced and reinforced my submission. Nothing puts me in my place quicker nor brings me the soft, loving, peace of utter devotion as that does.

I should make clear that it is never about topping from the bottom or directing Syr. But we talk about everything, and when I find something interesting or stimulating or find myself curious about it, I often mention it. It's at Syr's discretion, afterward, if She chooses to try it, or implement it in some way. And - in fact - most of the things I read about that I find stimulating are simply not realistic to our dynamic.

For example, one of our biggest hurdles is 'sound'. We live in a small space and lack total privacy. Finding quiet, simple, and/or subtle ways to reinforce our dynamic is almost a hobby for us!

But I digress...

Syr has always had control over deciding where, when, and how often I orgasm. When being intimate together, I beg and do not experience release until Her command. Similarly, I must always ask permission before being allowed to 'play' on my own as well.

One thing that Syr has always enjoyed very much is being able to make me orgasm on Her command, whether physically touching me or not. We've discussed how these particular types of orgasms feel - the ways they compare and contrast to a physically achieved orgasm, and it's an honest and valid experience. When we were long distance, She took great delight in using this to her advantage. When first we began visiting - She loved little more than walking me down the street and whispering in my ear, watching me try to retain my composure.

Once, in a mall food court in a very small town, She sat across from me at the table and held my gaze, not allowing me to look away, and whispered the command to cum for Her again, and again, and again.

What recently caught my attention is the way that persephone's owner counts her down. I mentioned it at one point to Syr, and recently She has played with this tool a few times when being physically intimate. I must say it's been an incredibly potent experience because when She decides to start counting, I know I only have 10 seconds to physically reach the place She wants me to reach. It really puts me in my place and is a firm display of Her control and Her power.

Last night, Syr used the countdown while allowing me to play, something we'd done before. But, afterwards, once the toy had already been put away, She decided to count down again. Unlike in the past when the command to cum for Her (without touch) would come out of nowhere and hit quite suddenly, the countdown introduced an element of 'building' that has never been present for me in a non-physical orgasm before.

10... 9... 8... 7 and I could feel the heat in my center spread downward, building in intensity and I locked my eyes onto Hers, feeling that control, that strength.

6... 5... 4... 3... and it became a pulsing, red-hot focus, as I felt myself both wanting Her to hurry and wanting Her to slow so that it could build even more...

2... 1... and a single word: "Cum"

And I did. Harder than I thought possible with no physical stimulation.

It was a very intense experience that left me quite breathless.

Afterwards I gently teased Her that it was quite ironic that a countdown could be used both for Punishment and Pleasure.

When She starts a countdown at 5, it's a warning to act before She reaches 0. But when She starts it at 10, it's the buildup to a very nice reward.

She said.... "hmm.. so if I start at 7 or 8, what happens?", to which we both broke into laughter.

Hilarity in the Bedroom

Syr and I have a VERY healthy sex life, at least as far as my (biased) opinion goes. Our 'dry spells' last days, not weeks or months. We have a similar appetite though I think She would argue that I'm the more insatiable of the two of us. Generally speaking, however, the only thing that holds us back is life circumstances beyond our control (lack of privacy, time, social engagements, illness, other ailments, etc) rather than lack of mood. For this, I am quite grateful.

Last night was definitely one of those "it just isn't going to happen" kind of nights.

The evening began with some intense ranting and venting on Syr's part about some ongoing drama going on in our housing situation. She is stressing over that particular situation and She processes this stress by playing out all the potential what-ifs with regard to the next steps, outcome, etc. This stresses me out! My coping mechanism is a functional yet oddly hypocritical method whereupon I like to be prepared but also prefer not to think about it and 'cross that bridge when we get to it'. So generally this sort of venting leaves us both feeling a wee bit unsettled and/or tense.

However, I came up with a great idea to break the tension! We have a movie rental club membership and one of the newest arrivals was a spoof on American Pie (and an independent unrated attempt at making 'the gayest movie ever') called "Another Gay Movie". We had originally intended to watch it with the boys (having only the title and a review to go on) and thank GOODNESS we decided to watch it alone as a distraction from the tension.

It was unrated - and omg, was it unrated!! It was goofy but absolutely hilarious and filled with nothing but the gross-humour such as can be found in the American Pie movies - and worse, if you can imagine. It's a type of movie I normally hate, so I was both horrified at my spontaneous eruptions of body-wrenching belly laughs and the similar laughs escaping from my Syr.

An interesting, and equally horrifying/embarassing side effect was that quite a few of the more graphic (and way over the top) sex scenes between the male characters was just turning me on! And, equally interesting, was a curious little glint in Syr's eyes as well. I'd never watched gay male porn, and was more than a little intrigued to see these men even just kissing each other!

Afterward, in our amused and even more amusingly aroused state, we decided to have a quickie.

Okay... that's not quite accurate...

Syr and I were snuggling and I gigglingly suggested that it'd be really great to have a quickie, and if She'd consider it, I'd buy Her Starbucks in the morning and I also told Her that I'd make room in the budget so She could eat out at lunch!! We were both laughing a bit the whole time but then the mood shifted, just so, and we were wiggling out of our clothes quicker than anything and Syr was strapped up and ready to dive in within mere moments!

The goal was clear - hot, intense, passionate and... quick! Because it wasn't about duration, the intensity level was through the roof.

Suffice to say, Syr rocked my world - and then some. Obviously so, because 15 minutes or so into it, the bed beneath us caved in.

Seriously!

We both stopped what we were doing and burst out laughing - but since the timing was less than ideal, we forged ahead anyway to.. er... finish what had been started.

Afterwards, getting out of the caved-in-bed took some doing and I ended up kneeling on my fur while we fixed it. It was not technically broken, but rather the wood slats that hold up the mattress had shifted and fallen out of the frame from the er, motion. *snicker*

We looked at the bed.

Syr looked so proud as She exclaimed - "I fucked you so hard, I broke the bed!" Then she held up her hand for a high five and I complied quite happily.

We grinned at each other and gave each other high fives again - with both hands this time!

We broke the bed!! *grins* We rule.

It was just one of those hilarious, incredible things that I am quite sure neither of us will ever forget.

Correction...

Yesterday, while Syr and I were chatting at work, I had a moment of panic over something silly. And in my panic, it's like I morphed into super-bitch-slave.

I sort of felt myself getting carried away, seriously crossing the line you know? I could tell it was happening - and I felt swept on by it, nearly powerless to stop it. Of course I wasn't powerless - I chose to ride the wave instead of fight it. But it was one of those moments where I was almost outside of myself watching this behaviour and waving my arms wildly screaming "what the HELL are you doing?!"

And still, I did it. Gah.

In the middle of this hyperactive bad behaviour, Syr simply said: "trust me".

And in all my craziness, I was like "I do... but"

but.

*sigh*

And then a couple minutes later I blatantly questioned her in the most condescending way ever. And I just knew that was the breaking point.

Syr's response sent WAVES of energy my way. She said, "Excuse me???????"

Normally, when She says that, it's a D/s correction. This was more than that. This went beyond our dynamic into an area where as my Owner, as well as, as my Wife, Friend, and Love that I had super crossed the line and behaved badly.

The instant She said that, I felt it, I knew it. And I plummeted.

It was as if I was in the littlest little-space ever combined with the guilt/feeling bad about myself from knowing I had treated my Wife unfairly. It felt really really bad. And I instantly owned my shit, became contrite, and admitted to Her that I had been way out of line and apologized. I just wanted to cry, but I was at work and I couldn't. I felt terrible. I felt as if I'd been a terrible wife and friend, let alone slave or pet. *sigh* It was yuck.

Syr had accepted my apology and probably had more understanding for my bad behaviour than I had, but the guilt lingered. I kept asking myself how I could call myself Her slave if I couldn't even treat her with the respect owed a Wife. It was a difficult time in my head and heart.

It was overcome before the evening ended, on both of our parts, and Syr reminded me that I am still wanted and loved and that it was a terrible moment - but that didn't make me a terrible slave. I think that when I have moments like that, I just can't help but feel unworthy. I'm working on it - but it's very challenging. And yet, with no other person in my life D/s or otherwise, have I ever been capable of calling myself on my shit quite so quickly, in owning it and taking responsibility for it instead of holding onto the need to be in the right. And for that, I give myself big credit. And THAT is what reminds me that I really am not such a terrible slave. A terrible slave would have continued to be bitchy and put the onus on her Syr to correct her into behaving better rather than taking the responsibility and initiative to own it and apologize and make it right.

This morning, there was another profound moment that I experienced. Syr and I were getting our clothes on so that we could go get a coffee. I was a little grumbly and growly (lack of coffee...) and was halfway towards getting dressed (had just a shirt and my panties on at that point) when Syr stopped, pulled my panties down over my hips just to my upper thighs and slapped my bare bottom twice and told me to be good. She pulled my panties back up, then, and I felt the reddening on my cheeks and I hid my face against Her chest and was just so little.

It was interesting, because never before has a simple swat on my bottom felt like a 'serious' correction, and yet this did. I think there was definitely a psychological impact to having Her pull down my panties to expose my bottom the way that she did. An element of humiliation is the first way I can think of to describe it. And yet, 'humiliation' in it's true form isn't something that appeals to either of us. It wasn't the kind of humiliation that makes you feel self conscious or bad about yourself, but it added just a hint of embarrassed unpleasantness to the interaction which took it out of it's normal playful/enjoyable context. Normally a swat on the butt is fun, playful, or at the least sexually stimulating. This was stimulating because it felt like real discipline, yet not because it was enjoyable, a profound lightbulb moment for me, because as I've written about before - there is some frustration in trying to work ways to incorporate discipline that is effective as discipline (and does not tempt me to behave badly just so I can experience it) and this was effective. I didn't enjoy it in the ways that might encourage me to behave badly to experience it - rather it is a real deterrent, despite the fact that it was stimulating.

I find that of all the things most difficult to incorporate consistently in a 24/7 D/s dynamic, true discipline and correction ranks at the top of the list. So it is always quite notable to me when something is discovered that works.

Leaps and Bounds, and a bit of backtalk

It's been terribly quiet here in blog-land from my end...

And yet, despite not writing about it much, there have been some incredible moments and thoughts and rituals and such developing in Syr and my world and dynamic.

We still struggle, sometimes, to find our footing - to find what works best in our current lifestyle and what doesn't. We don't have much privacy in our household, and that means that a lot of the more obvious and blatant activities fall by the wayside in light of just no realistic time or space to do them.

And yet, somehow we're managing to find our rhythm within those restrictions and regain some of the 'ground' we sort of lost when we began living together full time and dealing with all the day to day realities of life, family, finances, chores, and jobs.

I started exploring D/s when I was so young, and so for me, it really did begin as a sort of week-end activity. Years into it, I became a full-time slave, but I was poly and my time with my then-Master was limited. He lived over an hour away and we both had jobs and primary relationships to attend to. His control over me was 24/7 but he rarely really exercised his control with any consistency when we were not together.

With Syr and I, we began as friends with... D/s exploration as an overtone, I suppose you could say. It began with daily writing topics - which was really a foundational thing for us. We had limited time with one another each day and so I would get my assignment done before we spoke each evening and Syr would read it and we would discuss it together. It became an integral part of our dynamic and enabled us to learn more about each other than I would have thought possible.

But something happened with the writing assignments the more time we spent on the phone or in-person: they just became less technically necessary. We told each other everything, each thought and every idea - we ran out of topics! :)

Since then, Syr has assigned me writing topics sporadically. When I was not yet able to work after we moved in together, She would assign me a topic each morning when She left for work. I would finish it before I lost privacy each afternoon. But when I began working, it once again fell off.

We've tried getting it started again multiple times, but a lack of privacy for writing has always been the biggest deterrent.

For Christmas, Syr bought me a wi-fi card for my palm pilot. Now, I can write in the privacy of the bedroom. So - Syr instituted that I should start writing to the daily writing prompts supplied by the lovely luna!

And then - we both discovered that it was falling flat, and realized that it's because they weren't always topics that we felt applied to us or our dynamic and because it was missing that personal connection we had when writing on specific topics that Syr assigns. So, that got nixed!

But, there have been gems we've found as well.

Syr has been consistently raising her expectations of the ways that I speak to and interact with Her when we are in private. She has been able to consistently correct me to keep me reminded of my position - which has really helped to add a level of consistent energy flow in a more active and noticeable way.

In addition, of all the things that would allow us a deeper owner/slave connection, I never would have thought that rearranging the bedroom would do it! And yet, when we did some moving of furniture, we opened up some ROOM in the bedroom, and made space for a small sheepskin fur which Syr bought for me to live permanently next to the bed.

It's a kneeling fur, a symbol. At first, Syr would just have me kneel there now and then. And then one day, I was pushing... hard. I needed that take-down feeling and when I pushed, Syr fought hard and physically brought me to my knees at Her feet... and I still fought. And She put my head down until my forehead rested on the ground at her feet and then She kept firm pressure on the back of my head/neck and I just - sunk.

Afterwards, my little-space lasted for some time. She had reminded me, physically, of my place and it didn't take something loud or intense to do it. The entire interaction had been virtually silent.

And since then, Syr has discovered that this position, with my forehead touching the floor would instantly put me in my place. Now, She regularly times me out on my fur in the bedroom. With my head down She'll often put Her feet on my back or one on the back of my head, or a hand on the back of my head or neck. And the fur is exactly the right size for me to kneel and for my forehead to touch the fur in front of me. (If you yoga, think childs pose)

She's used it for discipline, and I've asked for it just to feel grounded and little, especially before bed... and that brings me to the topic Syr gave me to write on today.

I've been AWFUL the last few days. Not mean or terrible, but just willfuly pushing. And Syr wants to know why. Although, it's clear that She pretty much already does know why.

It's a classic behaviour pattern for me. When I find myself really enjoying/appreciating being reminded of my place - I act out to 'test' that I will not be allowed to get away with it. It's not a conscious/intentional thing, but I have noticed me doing it, and so has Syr. I brat in blatant, obvious ways - Syr puts me down/brings me down - and I revel in that, so I do it again.

It's that whole good attention/bad attention thing except - how do you differentiate between them when both good (petting/loving/praising) and technically 'bad' (discipline/correction) are desireable and needed and often craved - even more than than the good.

It's easy to say that my desire is to please Syr - it is. That said, She admits Herself that She enjoys a bit of bratting, and that ability to take me down. We both do.

And lately, with discovering this position, and the fur, and also with Syr holding me to standards of behaviour when we're alone and enforcing certain chores be done by me as a symbol of my role (IE She helps with household chores, but - the bedroom is my job, period), I find that the more D/s I 'sense' the more I push (perhaps it is a pushing from fear that it will go away or that consistently will last, or perhaps even to 'make sure' i'm not just imagining it?)

So, given that, how do W/we differentiate between doing that and me topping from the bottom or otherwise manipulating to get what I want.

I think that, a bit of 'quiet time' kneeling head-down on the fur regularly would help ground and settle me, knowing it's not just something done when I misbehave or when I ask for it - but done as a consistent reminder of my place would perhaps help us find a better balance. But then even suggesting so, feels like topping from the bottom.

Oh hell, who am I kidding? I love being owned by my Syr. I love the feeling of surrender and completion that I feel when I am in that little-space, firmly assured of my place at Her feet. I adore it. And She adores it. So why am I so worried about admitting it and expressing my delight in those things that bring me to Her feet?

Personal Service

Today's topic from Syr is to write about a new rule that She recently implemented for me to provide some small bit of personal 'service' for her every night.

I don't write about it much, anymore, but I have some pretty intense triggers to past stuff that really gets in the way of my ability to provide physical service in the 'touching' category. I love doing service things for my Syr ... but I tend to freeze up/lock up when I feel it's expected.

If Syr says "My neck is really stiff", for example, I perceive an expectation to rub it or give Her a backrub. I LOVE giving my Syr massages and backrubs, mind you, but once I feel it's expected, I can't bring myself to do it. I should point out here, though, that expectation and an order are two very different things. It's the more 'passive' type of expectation that really messes me up.

The passive "my neck hurts" locks me up in two ways: first I freeze and can't 'act' once the 'expectation' is there and then I feel guilty because I know I SHOULD be wanting to massage my Syr when She needs it especially. If She isn't directly ordering me, though, I find ways/excuses/reasons not to, and end up spiraling into a thought pattern of guilt/shame which locks me up even more.

Syr and I discussed this quite a lot the other day and the result of that discussion is that Syr is going to require some bit of personal service whether that is a back or shoulder rub, a mini mani or pedi to keep Her nails trimmed, or whatever, but some form of touch.

I have mixed feelings about this new rule. I'm really glad that Syr is finding a way to work with me on this, and to help me get past it. I'm also terrified of 'locking up' every day, too. I need firmness and I think I'm worried that I'll make excuses and that She will let me get away with that. I can't get past it if She doesn't hold Her ground so I'm afraid of that. Mostly I get nervous about failing at a task or succeeding at manipulating my way out of a task.

Syr has started instituting some strict behavior guidelines and I'm finding the minor corrections on behavior, tone, and such to be very grounding. I feel loved and cherished and very safe. But I also feel like She's pushing me a little, in that healthy and healing way that only a good Top/Dom/Master/Syr seems to know how to do right.

And I'm grateful.

Coping

Coping as a lifestyle choice vs. coping strategies forget through tough life situations.

Syr asked me to write on this topic after a heavy discussion we had on Saturday morning about certain coping tools that I have. Syr wanted to hear my thoughts on the differences between coping strategies to get through a situation or situations and coping as a way to get through life.

I think the major difference lies in the ability to learn and grow and improve your life, to take responsibility for your own happiness.

Coping as a lifestyle choice, in my opinion, is making a conscious decision to do only what it takes to get by from one moment to the next. It's like choosing to do the very minimum required to keep from going stark raving mad. It doesn't really address solutions or making changes to improve the situation so that coping isn't necessary.

I've known, intimately, people who choose to live life by coping. They tend to be unhappy, in general, and are often convinced that they have no control over their situation. Hell - for a while I was like that myself.

As I've learned, grown, developed as a person, I've discovered my ability to take responsibility for my life, my happiness, my personal well-being.

There are parts of me that feel bruised, damaged or broken. Syr often reminds me that I'm strong, that I've come a long way, and that I'm constantly improving. Sometimes I find it difficult to see those improvements, and I start to feel like certain things will never get any better. Syr finds real examples to prove that they have been and are continuing to get better.

I've developed several coping mechanisms. Some of these coping mechanisms were subconsciously developed over time to protect me from certain types of abuse or mistreatment. Some of them were to keep me from having to step outside my comfort zone. Regardless, these coping tools make me feel like I'm not 'good enough'. I feel like I am handicapped in certain areas, crippled from being able to do the things I wish I could. Syr points out that the difference between coping as a tool and coping as a lifestyle lies in my desire to overcome the things that hold me back in whatever ways that I can.

There are no guarantees but at least I know that even though it's 'coping', it's temporary.... not permanent victim-hood.

Writing again...

Thanks to some functions and Freeware that I have recently discovered on my Palm Pilot, I now have the ability to write entries just about anywhere and just copy and paste them into my blog, rather than trying to sit at my computer witth very little privacy and try to focus.

I also now have the ability to download and read RSS feeds on my palm, which means that (finally) Syr can read my posts without having to be at the privacy-less computer! This has opened up some possibilities for us. It also means probably more posting! Yay! Of course it also means that I get to finally keep up on reading my favourite kinky blogs!!! It's so hard to read them with teenage boys hovering wondering whenit will be their turn at the computer.

This intellectual 'side' of Syr and my D/s has always been important to us and, interestingly, hardest to maintain after we moved in together due to the lack of privacy.

The first is that so Syr has said that She does want to start seeing me writing on topics again. That's starting with Luna's Submissive Journal Prompts (see my blog's sidebar for the link!)

This week, I'll just respond to one, and we'll see how it goes.

Are you a perfectionist? How do you think this affects your service?

Absolutely, I am a perfectionist! And it definitely affects my service.

I am constantly worried about making sure that what I do is done 'just so'. This also means that I tend to 'serve' in any formal way at all unless I am SURE I can go all out. This means, I suppose, that Syr misses out on quite a lot of service in the long run.

I love giving Syr massages, pedicures, manicures, cutting Her hair for Her, cooking for Her, making Her coffee, etc. But I tend NOT to step in and do those things unless I can do them to the utmost. If I can't do a full blown massage with oil and go at it for a while, I don't offer. If I can't give a full foot bath with the pedicure, I don't offer.

I've never really thought that much about how my belief that "it has to go a certain way" really affects the service Syr gets from me.

It's something that I want to work on. I am sure that Syr would appreciate a backrub, even without 'the works' and I'm sure She would appreciate a pedicure, even if it was only nail care and a foot rub.

So it is definitely something I want to work on, especially since Syr and I are trying to find ways to get that D/s energy more frequently.

Public Play Party on Friday

Last Friday night, Syr took me to a local kinky queer women's play party. We went with our friends t & R.

I had been looking forward to it SO much! We don't often get the opportunity to play in a way that makes *noise* so I was really excited! I could tell Syr was too. It was absolutely thrilling watching Her pack our bag for the items we'd need for the evening. She brought the clothes-clips, the flogger, rope, collar, cuffs, leash, crop..... *swoon*

At the last moment I thought to bring a couple thick, fuzzy towels because I remembered the floor from the hall where the party was taking place was hard, with no soft spots suitable for kneeling.

Once we got there, the first thing I did was lay out those towels and kneel at my Syr's feet. Words can't even begin to describe how completely incredible that felt. Doing that publically is a rare treat and I was loving it. Syr locked Her collar around my neck and put my wrist cuffs on. She put the ankle cuffs on at first but took them off again so I could kneel more comfortably.

We watched the play for a while, and I enjoyed chatting a bit with t while Syr and R chatted a bit as well. It was interesting to see the Dom/sub dynamics at work in that way.

At one point, 'Closer' by NIN came on, and I just melted. Syr put my blindfold on and whispered terribly naughty things in my ear while I listened to the music thumping.

Almost immediately after we'd arrived at the hall, Syr had noticed a rack, but instead of a St. Andrew's Cross or grid/rack style, it was in the shape of a pentagram, a 5 pointed star. We both loved the look/feel of it and She was dying to get me onto it. But, the people using it were playing for a LONG time...

After a bit, Syr got impatient, and removed my top. She pulled out the clothes-clips then and I knew what She had in mind.

The twist was sitting very still and handing her the clips, one at a time while She placed them all over my breasts. When She was done, I was sinking and sinking, feeling all mellow and quiet and as usually happens when I drop into subspace, I got tunnel vision and there was only Her with me there. Everyone else just falls away.

She walked me around a bit on my leash, topless except the clothes-clips that covered my breasts...

But mostly I knelt at Her feet and felt Her knees at my back, or faced Her, letting my hands rest on Her strong denim-clad thighs, or I laid my cheek on Her knee.

When the equipment became available, Syr led me to it, and we quickly discovered that my clothes-clipped breasts fit perfectly into a gap in the frame at the center of the pentagram. She was thrilled She didn't have to take them off yet and promptly went to work on my back.

As usually happens within a scene, the actual details are fuzzy. I was shaky from the clothes clips before Syr even delivered the first blow to my back and shoulders. I remember She started with Her hands, and used Her belt and the crop a little. But mostly She used the flogger... and it was absolutely amazing.

We 'created' a system on the fly last night for communicating where I am at pain wise as playing in public is not something We do often. We always use Red as a default safeword but there are all those inbetweens...

She put my hands way above my head and told me to drop them if I need Her to stop. What I found myself doing was lowering them a little when it got a little too intense, and She'd lighten up, and then raise them when I was in a 'green' place pain-wise.

It worked SO well and because of that silent communication, She got me to that 'sweet zone' so easily and quickly, part of which I attribute to the prior warm-up of sorts with the clothes clips but hey.. it was still awesome!

Halfway through, She took off the clothes clips... I always forget how much they hurt coming off! Yeowch! But a good yeowch!

At the end, my legs were so shaky I could barely support myself. She led me back to the kneeling place to come down with some gentle, loving after-care.

My sub-space bled into the next couple of days. I was soft and floaty and happy and melty for several days. And Syr ...definitely enjoyed that.

All in all, it was a delicious experience and we took from it several more ideas and cravings for quiet private play.

Ashamed

I am deeply ashamed.

Burning hot tears keep escaping from my eyes, unbidden, even as I try to make it through my work day.

I know this is not what Syr wants. I know She doesn't want me spiralling this badly, and yet knowing that I did a bad thing, a forbidden thing makes me ache with self-dissapointment and guilt.

Syr enjoyed yesterday's post very much. Afterwards, She tormented me a little... again stopping at an odd moment when I desperately wanted the torture to continue, even knowing the ultimate answer to my pleas would still be No.

The hardest part has been craving the torment of being brought to the edge and left dangling there. I've craved that almost more than the prize itself. Last night, She dropped me, reminded me I was Hers, took me to that little place and held me safely in Her embrace until my tears subsided. She has remained consistent in Her promise to deny me release until the night of our Anniversary.

The last couple of mornings, I have awakened and, in my still half-asleep state, reached instinctively between my legs to try to relieve the pressure and throbbing that I wake with each day. And so yesterday, Syr said that perhaps I should sleep in my cuffs that night.

When it was time for sleep, I reminded Her, asking Her if I could sleep in my cuffs, not trusting my own bleary morning instincts to betray Her wishes. She obliged and put my cuffs on, clipping them together, and I slept that way for the night.

This morning when I woke, She unclipped me and sent me to take a shower and get ready for work. She stayed in bed, dozing, as She works later than me today.

I remember stumbling into the bathroom, bleary-ided and undressing, hopping in the shower and starting to wash.

As I held the showerhead and aimed it lower, to wash, tiny little streams of water drummed on that throbbing and urgent part of me and, without even thinking, I switched the showerhead setting to the piercing, three-jet intense direct spray and held it, aimed carefully, quite a ways away and leaned back against the shower wall, losing myself in the feeling of the water pummeling so ruthlessly against that ultra-sensitive part of me.

I wasn't thinking, I was just feeling, and even though I wasn't thinking through my actions, I was still very much aware of the fact that I was not allowed to seek release.

And yet I was revelling in the torment. I could never find release this way anyway, I figured it was safe, standing there in the shower feeling the tiny pulses of pleasure shoot through me like little dancers playing upon my nerve endings.

I knew it was naughty. I knew that Syr would not want me playing at all. Somewhere inside me I knew all of that, but it didn't stop me. It should have... I'd like to think that it *would* have under normal circumstances. But... it didn't.

I was losing myself in the sensation of the water pounding aginst me, when a particularly strong pulse shot through me.

I pulled the water away from me and froze.

I didn't.

I couldn't have.

It didn't FEEL like an orgasm usually feels to me. But it was an undeniably strong 'pulse' that I couldn't just chalk up to ordinary sensation either. I wasn't sure. I'm still not sure.

I hadn't tensed my muscles like I always have to, and I hadn't braced myself and it didn't have aftershocks of any kind (like it normally would).

But I knew it was possible. I had to finish washing and getting ready for work. Syr was dozing and I had to go or risk being late.

I turned everything over and over again in my mind during my short drive to work.

I am most ashamed to admit that I actually *decided* I didn't need to tell Syr. I didn't want to let Her down, dissapoint Her. I figured I was allowed a secret... everyone has at least one. I always tell Syr everything - every thought, every deed (good or bad), every hope and wish, dream and need. But I figured, this... this I could keep from Her.

By the time I got to work, I had firmly assured myself that it would be my little secret.

And just at the same moment I truly *decided* to keep it a secret, the shame and guilt washed over me. It was in that moment that I felt I had betrayed Her. It was that moment that made me realize I *had* to tell Her what happened.

I felt panic choke me at the idea that I almost kept something from Her, the One I trust with my life. I felt pain constrict my heart as I raced from my desk to call Her on Her cell phone, knowing I had 10 minutes to catch Her before She started work.

The second I confessed, tears started falling. I couldn't fall apart, not here, not at the office, but it was hard not to.

The tone in Syr's voice when I said I have a confession to make shook me to my core. She knew as soon as the words were out of my mouth. She knew.

I gave her the short version of the details and explained I wasn't really *sure* if it was anything. The truth is that my self-torment in the shower has only awakened me even more and put me in an alarming state of need. I don't feel the least bit sated. But mostly I wanted to let Her know that I wanted... needed.. to atone for my wrongdoing.

She demanded a formal apology - for the act of playing at all. She had made it clear that She didn't want me touching, playing and for precisely that reason - that something might 'happen'.

To play at all was a direct act of defiance. I wasn't thinking through my actions at the time, only on a yearning for a physical sensation. It was raw and animalistic and completely disrespectful of my Syr's wishes.

There are many reasons I feel ashamed, but the biggest was the betrayal. In my innermost thoughts and my heart, I could never hide anything from Syr. Our complete honesty and trust is the foundation for our relationship, our dynamic, and our marriage.

My body burns hotter for Syr, not less, and I know that this constant state of wanting that I awakened by my actions this morning is only one part of the punishment for disobedience. My intense guilt and shame and the knowledge that I let my Syr down is also one part of my own punishment.

Never before did I feel this level of true *real* submission and surrender to another person. It's real. It's not something being played at. The emotions and desires, the needs and the energy exchange are all very real. The knowledge that I am owned is with me always. I have a symbol of Syr's ownership of me permanently tattooed on my flesh and Syr wears a symbol of Her ownership of me tattooed onto her skin as well.

Just like so many other things in life, I'm going to screw up, and let Her down sometimes. But no words can ever describe how much it hurts to dissapoint the One I seek only to please and make proud.

Writing this all out to be read and judged by Dominants and fellow submissives and slaves alike is a form of self-punishment. Syr didn't ask me to do so. But I felt I deserved to feel the reproach of others with such a blatant act of disobedience.

And now, my apology:

Beloved Syr,

I'm not sure words can express how deeply and truely sorry I am for my disobedient acts this morning, nor the defiant thoughts that filled my mind immediately afterwards.

I will tell you that I have never felt as ashamed of myself as I do now, and I know you believe that I speak the truth.

I tried to express what happened, and my feelings as best as I could in the above post and hope that it helps You see inside of me in the ways that You need to know how to go forward.

I know You have probably not yet decided what punishment, if any that You will administer but please know that I will accept anything You decide with nothing but perfect love and perfect trust.

I am sorry, Syr.

I am always and forever Yours,
~alena

Desperate

So, I have a list of topics to refer to for my Wednesdayh and Saturday writing assignments. However, something told me that Syr would most want to hear about this topic instead this week.

~*~*~*~

It was the day after one of the most phenomal nights that Syr and I had shared in some time.

I had spent the day reminiscing, reliving, replaying the events that had transpired the previous night. By the time I got home from work, I had worked myself up into quite a state and was so little I could barely stand up straight. When Syr got home, She smiled that smile at me that told me She enjoyed finding me in that state.

It was at roughly that moment when She made it clear to me that I was not going to experience an orgasm again until our anniversary weekend.

That was Thursday.

It hasn't even been a week yet, and I only have to make it until Saturday night... and yet it feels like it's been AGES and that there are ages yet to go.

The weekend was terribly difficult but somehow I squeaked through. And yet now, looking back, the weekend seems easy as pie by comparison to how I'm feeling right now.

I often wonder if my drive is even remotely normal. I feel as if I've always been hungry and needy like this and like I always will be. I know that's not necessarily a bad thing...

And yet if I wasn't so hungry for Her, so desperately yearning to feel Her covering me, taking me, driving into me, claiming me as Hers.... then maybe this would be easier.

Sometime this last weekend I was desperate enough that I begged Her to touch me, even knowing She was going to torture me. I needed Her even if it meant driving myself further over the brinks of desperate longing. My goading and begging got me exactly what I wanted and it was as delicious as it was unsatisfying.

I found myself whispering my pleas against Her mouth as She kissed me, Her fingers moving deftly over my swollen, throbbing clit, and then inside of me, teasing, stroking, lighting every nerve in my body on fire.

I whispered things I never dreamed I would. I begged Her to take me to the edge and stop, to leave me aching for Her. I wanted Her to be cruel, to get me right.... there... and then stop.. just because She could. I wanted to feel owned and I wanted the reminder that is She and She always who decides when and in what form my pleasure took.

While I am sure She enjoyed my begging, Syr stopped after it went on for a few minutes. She stopped even before getting me to that edge - because ultimately She is the one who decides how and when She starts or stops.

I think I found that more frustrating than anything.

It seems that ever since She told me I was going to have to wait, I have been edgy, cranky and also ridiculously little.

It just snowballs every day.

But today I am in an emotional place where I am near tears constantly.

I need the release and comfort and pleasure and free-falling, sinking, overwhelming surrender that only my Syr can give me.

Four more nights to sleep through without the soft shudders of my body's aftershocks to coax me to sleep.

Four more full days to be productive at work or at home, to get done what needs to get done and to do so without completely falling apart for want of my Syr's touch.

I'm not sure I'm going to be able to make it... not without just falling at my Syr's feet, a quivering mass of hot tears and aching need.

Time has never moved so slowly before.

Keeping track of daily tasks

This is a very short post. My writing assignment will be posted later today or tomorrow.

But I had to share this fun and very interesting new way that Syr and I have found for tracking my daily tasks.

It's here if you want to see it.

It's designed for splitting up household chores among family members in a roleplay game-type setting but all the treasures, monsters, and so forth are completely customizeable.

You can see what this 'looks' like here.

There you can see what tasks I have logged. In my case I'm not messing with the attributes but each task has a set amount of gold that can be earned and each task has a specific set of treasures that could be happened upon (50% chance of finding treasure) and all are very ... D/s oriented.

This way, Syr doesn't have to find the privacy to specifically ask me what I completed that day and perhaps we could also work out consequences (negative and positive) but at least now there's a way Syr can check in at any time to see how I'm doing. ;)

Naked.

Syr and I took a walk this evening, and as we were strolling, Syr told me about a news blurb She'd caught on a national news network today.

The story is easily summarized in one sentence:
A woman was seen going into a convenience store and purchasing a pack of cigarettes wearing nothing but high heeled shoes and a necklace before climbing into the passenger seat of a ferrari just before the car sped away.

She let me think about this for a moment, turning it over in my mind a little as Her eyes glinted slyly. She smiled as the potential implications washed over me.

Nothing but a "necklace" and a pair of high heeled shoes, hmm?

Obviously it could be any wealthy man and his girlfriend's kinky fantasy, as the image of a nude woman wearing a necklace is probably erotic for a great many people.

But the implications that instantly occurred to the both of us were much more exciting to entertain:

~That the "necklace" was more than just a piece of jewelry, but a symbol of ownership.
~That the woman who went to purchase cigaerrettes was purchasing them for her Master... or Mistress.
~That the trip to the store was a test of obedience and service, rather than random thrill-seeking.

Syr asked me to put myself in her shoes (so to speak). How I would feel if it were me, if all the social, legal, and ethical considerations of the situation were not there, leaving me unfettered.

Being nude is something that makes me feel particularly vulnerable, even in private. Being exposed to Syr while She examines me, or grooms me, or looks closely at my most secret places is one thing that drops me into one of the most intense little space that I can experience. The idea of being nude in public at Syr's command.... well the very thought makes me tremble inside, clench with blissful wishful thinking, blush with the heat of being forced to do something so unnatural to my shy self, and quake with fear.

The idea of being able to be obvious about my slavery is incredibly appealing and intoxicating. It's not possible nor ethical nor appropriate for society as it exists today and given our personal situation, but the idea of a society where it is acceptable is nothing but thrilling to think about.

I would adore living in a society where I could walk several steps behind Syr, my thick leather collar around my neck, a chain leash dangling from my throat to the leather handle around Her wrist for a casual walk down the street.

For now, I will content myself with the subtle and intense energy of our exchange and with the anticipation of a weekend alone for our first wedding anniversary in 12 days.... a weekend when we can explore and enjoy some more 'obvious' D/s time together.

Feeling Her

"Describe how it feels to feel my marks at "inappropriate" times?"

I should clarify that when Syr assigned this particular topic, She clarified that "inappropriate" is referring to times like when I am at work, or doing more mundane, non D/s related activities.

Marking me has become something that Syr does regularly now. Not often, by any means, but definitely regularly. We both enjoy the effects both during the scene and for days afterwards and the spaces I reach as a result of Her knife on my back.

Recently, we both got tattoos which symbolize our relationship to each other. Mine features symbology which identifies me as queer, a femme, and as Her property. Hers identifies Her as queer, a butch, and as my Owner.

My tattoo is on my back, near the top of it, creeping up onto the back of my neck, a place that holds significance as Syr often grips the back of my neck right in that very spot, and used to mark me in that spot on my upper back. Now, She marks me slightly lower, underneath the tattoo.

She got a new knife, razor sharp a couple weeks ago. She marked me with it and we both loved the sensation, though because it was so sharp, it left very clean smooth lines which stung only right after, but healed VERY quickly (within 24 hrs, all sting was gone).

Formerly, I would feel the 'sting' for days. So we're shopping for a knife that while sharp, is not TOO sharp. What we do isn't cutting, it's more like scratching.

As to the topic, what I am used to is feeling the sting for days afterwards on my back. I'd feel Her marks when my shirt brushed my back, or when I pressed or leaned back against a chair. When I wanted to remind myself, I'd reach back and run my fingers lightly over the raised lines that lingered.

A few weeks ago, I was having a very stressful time at work, and whenever I felt overwhelmed, I would lean back in my chair to feel that light sting on my back, reminding myself that I belong to Her, that I'm cared for and safe. It was reassuring and thrilling, simultaneously.

It can also be exciting, to sit in a meeting with coworkers and feel the physical sensation that reminds me that while I am confident and powerful within my work, I also am a full time slave.

So there is a thrill aspect, as well as a comforting aspect. It is like walking around all day with a delicious secret that is all my own. I suppose one could compare it to wearing no underwear and going out to a fancy dinner. It's a naughty secret, a 'taboo' secret. And it feels wicked.

And that definitely appeals to the bad-girl parts of me!

Written Rules

Describe how you feel about having written rules?

Today's assignment (well, technically yesterday's, I'm a day late) is to discuss my feelings on written rules.

This came about because within the last couple of weeks, Syr has created a list of rules. These rules are still being tweaked but is the most extensive list we've ever had between us.

Among them are :
~Call my mother once/week
~Greet Syr with "Good morning, Syr" every morning
~Make the bed every day
~Cook home-made meals twice/week (minimum)
~Complete writing assignments twice/week (once by Wed, another by Sat at 10pm)
~Elliptical machine at least four times/week plus one other cardio activity at least once/week
~Meditatione for 5 minutes every day

And there are others...

But how do I feel about them? I love them, want them, need them, crave them.

I crave and need the structure that comes with rules, but only when they are enforced. A rule given and not followed up on can be really degrading to the dynamic and to the relationship.

Ultimately -- I'm thrilled with the list of rules.

I need to find more ritual in my day again, rituals that are geared to help me be healthier and happier and also rituals that are geared towards reminding me of my place in Syr's world, of Her posession of me.

I think these will help with that. And that, above all else, is what I am most pleased about.

Frustration

"Tell me about something that frustrates you."

Oh ... sure. Easier said than done!

It's easy to write with glowing praise about my Syr. I am well cared for, well groomed, and incredibly blessed to have someone in my life who is so attuned to my needs, my desires, my triggers, and all the other parts of me.

But it is far more challenging to write about the less than perfect aspects of my experience serving Her.

But - that is my task, so here goes.

---

I think it's normal for there to be frustration within any relationship, but perhaps even more so within the realms of a relationship that is molded by a power exchange of any kind. The art and energy of a Dominant/submissive lifestyle can bea tricky thing to navigate. It is amazing and energizing, but can also be draining and a lot of work.

If I'm being completely honest, I would have to say that integrating D/s into my life was a lot like opening a floodgate. Once it's done, it is done.

Could I be happy living a vanilla life? Sure. But a part of me would feel the loss acutely. My submission fills me with an inner light that I would find hard to replace. It grants me peace and serenity when the world spins out of control around me. It gives me safety and security when life throws challenge after challenge at me. It has helped me get to know myself in a way that I may never have without it.

And yet, it also awakened needs in me that really must be met. The ways those needs are met can be as varied and unique as individual snowflakes falling from the sky, but they must be met. When they are not, I am thrown off-balance, and can easily spiral into a place where in it's mildest form I find myself unsettled or cranky and in it's most severe form can throw me into mild forms of temporary depression.

So when asked what is something that frustrates me, the answer is simple (though its explanation is not):

What frustrates me is when I have a need and circumstances, lack of privacy, or other life 'stuff' gets in the way of me reaching, or maintaining little space - espcially when I really... REALLY need that little space.

Sometimes, those circumstances or life "stuff" are avoidable, and then sometimes it's hard to be patient or understanding, when my little voice is screaming "I NEED!!! Fix it!!!! Please!!" and other times, the circumstances are out of both of our control and I nearly rage at them in a petulant way that while probably adorable to watch is just a small outlet for my internal frustration.

For me to be at my best, I need little space.. I need it regularly... and somewhat often. It can be achieved in subtle ways or blatant, but I do need it.

So I admit sometimes that I get frustrated with Syr, when She can't deliver. It's a selfish urge, and I realize that there are slaves and submissives out there who are probably aghast with shock that I would spend an entire post talking about my needs. What kind of submissive am I? ;)

Well - I'm me. I'm my type. And being submissive, is a part of me. And that part does include needs. *nodsnods*

Syr recognizes this, appreciates it, and understands it. I am sure my needs can also be a source of frustration for Her. What's most important is that we work together, we ebb and flow together, and that we both do our best to strike the balance between wants and needs, both of ourselves and each other.

Overall, I think we both do a damn fine job.