Slave Journal

So, I've been listening to the Erotic Awakenings Podcast with Dan & Dawn lately...

When I heard on my podcast, the idea of a "slave journal", I was intrigued. Especially because what caught my attention about the podcast was that it wasn't about the slave at all. ;) I've kept journals for my Owner since forever... journals of self-reflection available for them to see/read. I've always done that and it's served a wonderful purpose - but it's one focused on me - my growth. It's valuable and helpful. But I have never had a slave journal that was focused on service... on my Owner.

So when I heard the podcast describe what a slave journal means to them - and how they use it, I was *captivated*. The idea is that the slave keeps a small notebook, near them at all times.... to write down instructions/orders the Owner mentions - to remember. There have been so many times Syr's said something like... "I haven't been drinking enough water" or "I keep forgetting to take my allergy pills" - and sometimes would ask me to help Her remember or to bring Her the pill in the am or pm or whatever. And since I have the memory of a sieve, it became NORMAL to me (and to Her I suspect) for me to forget - for things to slip my mind. She rarely gives me a direct 'order' in the manner of "and that's an order, slave". She does. But not often. But She regularly mentions things She wishes me to do.... either occasionally or regularly. And sometimes (most of the time?) I forget. It never really occurred to me how valuable a log of these requests/suggestions/preferences could be helpful - even though I keep such a log for work! At work, when I take a phone call or talk to a customer in person and they have a request, I write it down, and I keep this in a running log. As I complete tasks, they get checked off or crossed off..... simple and helps make sure I don't "drop the ball" at work.  Soooo hellooooooo wouldn't that help me keep from dropping the ball at home? The M/s couple I was listening to on the podcast just had two simple rules for the slave journal - It must be nearby, the slave must know where it is at least - at all times and be willing to present it if asked. It must be handwritten/paper and pen - not an app. Nothing electronic. I was curious why... but they explained and it made sense. Pen and paper is tactile. And, pen and paper doesn't have distractions - whereas phones/apps do.... one could be about to make a note and then get distracted and start playing on Facebook or what have you. Pen & paper is simple, straightforward.

So I decided to try it. I run it a little different than my work one. I re-write daily tasks - habits I'm trying to build every day. And I add little *'d one-off or occasional tasks. It began by me sitting down and thinking of those things that Syr has mentioned in the past She likes or would like me to do.... and a couple things I guessed She would appreciate/enjoy or would make Her life easier. Things I'd like to do every day. Things I'd like to become habits. Like... keeping a freshened/refilled water cup by Her at all times.... making sure to make the coffee (or prep it for Her), giving Her daily meds/vitamin/etc every day, reminding Her to eat lunch on weekdays since She tends to forget. lol. Starting simple. 

And now, when She mentions She wants me to do something - as a one-off or occasionally, I write it down as soon as I can. And then I don't forget. The other day She'd asked me to roll some yarn into balls. That got added, so I would remember to go back to it after only rolling 1 or 2 the first day. She mentioned that She wanted to make sure the dogs got a bath yesterday, that got written down, and so I remembered to do it when I got home. She mentioned we needed ONLY milk and eggs at the store... so I wrote that down, so I wouldn't get squirrelly and add other things to my shopping basket. Uncompleted one-off tasks get copied down the next day so I never have to look back on previous days entries to remember what's not yet completed. These things seem simple, obvious even. But just the act of writing them down means I *actually* remember. And I know She's been pleasantly surprised by some of the things I've followed up on - like the dog bath. Because we've both normalized how quickly/easily I forget things or get distracted.

The reality is that when I maintain a service mindset - no matter how casual/basic, I stay a thousand times more mindful at ALL times. It makes me less combative, it keeps the fact that I am owned more front of mind - meaning I handle myself better during moments of tension - so that I can be a slave ALL the time and not throw it away when the road gets bumpy....  but it must have been exhausting, frustrating, and defeating for Syr to always have to remind me of things She's asked me to do.....  

I've kept "to do lists" on apps before.. but they always failed after a time. And I wonder if it's partly because there's no physical ritual/action with those. Recurring tasks mean I don't have to re-write a list every day. And one thing I've noticed is that once I've written it down, I tend to remember without having to look at it again. I DO look at it again... but I don't have to as much. The transference to paper helps set it in memory. And I have to say that it's very satisfying. 

So far, I'm finding it a very useful tool. And I really like that it's focused on Her and not on me. that feels like a useful exercise/ritual all by itself.

Still Her little girl

I do most of my writing, these days, in a more locked environment - though I'm not sure that's really necessary. It's just that, often, it's introspective. In that environment, I've been writing almost daily. I actually have an excellent streak in April. The only days I didn't write anything are April 6th, 20th and yesterday - though I did write late Friday night.

In any case, I had a lovely dinner and conversation visit with friends yesterday. As I expressed to them, it always feels so wonderful to be with friends who A: I can be totally myself with and, B: I can talk about kink with. There are complexities to Syr and my relationship and the necessary work and growth and stuff - that is such a BIG part of who She is to me and how I try to live my life - that when big things happen, breakthroughs and otherwise - having people I can talk to about that is really nice.

Syr was supposed to be there with us last night, but is recovering from a back injury/irritation and just wasn't up to it. So I pretty much talked everyone's ears off. LOL But there was talking all around which was really nice. I feel like I got to know my friend's Daddy better, which was really nice. And I also loved seeing how happy my friend is. So that all felt lovely.

As usually happens after I get a chance to spend time around kinky or kink-friendly people, I came home feeling little. Syr wasn't up to a full-blow beating or anything, but She definitely noticed my littleness and asked about it... or rather... asked me what I was thinking about...and I replied... (eventually)... "pain".

She hugged me close, and dug Her nails into my back, and bit my neck and shoulder hard and held on until I softened in Her arms as I always do when She tells me to breathe and makes it clear I'm taking what I'm given. And then She did it all over again. And again. And again. And I just turned into jello in Her arms. I knelt at Her feet just before we crawled into bed and fell into Her arms feeling little and safe and warm. I fell asleep stroking Her back lightly and slept so well.

A check in and a bit of a self evaluation

It’s been way, way too long since I last did a devotional. So I’m going to do that next.

First I wanted to just write about how things have been going, or how – at least – I think they’ve been going and how I’m doing from a service perspective.

When it comes to day to day interactions, I’m feeling stronger and healthier in many ways than ever before.  I feel like in a more general way, I LISTEN way better than I ever used to. And I’m TRUSTING better… especially when it comes to taking things at face value.  And when I screw up and get called on it, I’m WAY slower to automatically defend myself and I tend to take corrections better and not freak out. It’s not to say I’m a perfect angel or anything, but I definitely feel like I’m better at hearing that I’ve screwed up without having to turn it into a huge drama.

There have also been some examples even in the last few days of moments when we disagree and I can see that annoys Her, but She also communicates either by saying “okay” or some other verbal that she’s letting it go. In the past, I couldn’t stop when that happened. As if I needed to convince Her to see it my way before I could move on. I have been trying really hard to knock that non-productive crap off and have been mostly succeeding. Sometimes I START and she reminds me that it needs to stop… and I do… and the day moves on without lingering weirdness.

In fact, this came up yesterday with a discussion about possibly moving the couch… It was the second time it had come up as an option and both times She’d brought it up as an idea and asked my feedback I’d offered resistance to the idea. The first time, She was clearly annoyed but she said okay there’s no point in discussing it then… or something. Instead of defending myself or trying to convince her of my reasoning, I just accepted that she was allowed to be annoyed but also noticed she let it go and so I did, too. Yay. Day moved on. Then yesterday it came up again…. And same thing (basically) happened. I STARTED to do the “but here’s all the reasons I’m right” thing and she reminded me that was non-productive… so I stopped. I just was triggered because I could see she was annoyed or whatever. Later on that afternoon, I brought it up and we were able to clarify with each other and it was very healthy stuff.. which I know wouldn’t have happened if I had turned it into an unnecessary battle earlier.

So I feel like there has been some noticeable progress, particularly in the realm of listening and moving on and not turning things into a drama. There were also a few setbacks in recent weeks but I feel like each time it was over quicker and quicker as I’m seeing her point of view earlier and earlier these days.

I still need to pay attention and work on … well, paying attention. In particular, I’m really trying to work harder at enjoying quality interactions with Syr and not letting myself get distracted all the time. It’s a bad habit and I know I miss out on quality when I do that.

For example, I noticed that when I am driving, Syr never plays on her phone. Now, partly that’s because She isn’t comfy doing that and driving. But on the other hand, I noticed that I really enjoy having Her undivided attention when I’m driving. BUT when She drives, I relax and can get distracted or sorta check out… more often than not. And I want to work on not doing that as much. Sometimes, when tired or burnt out, sure….. that makes a bit of sense and if Syr doesn’t seem to mind. But I also want Syr to get MY undivided attention while She’s driving too…. So that is something I’m trying to be more aware of.

I think that ever since she gave me the massage, I’ve been WAY more aware, in general, of when I get her undivided attention vs when she gets mine and realizing this is a weak point and trying to be more aware of it at all times, and not just at particular times and I think that’s really good for both of us.

I think that, possibly, another reason for my mentality shift, is that I am not home day to day to get so lost in the domestic service side of things. Quite the opposite, lately…. Syr is home all the time now (and that will likely be the case for a little while). So I generally have very few household chores/duties. And I suppose in a way that’s made me focus more on the non-tangible service things more than I was before.

This has led me to wonder if I have sometimes used the things I do domestically for service to give me ‘permission’ if you will to slack in other areas. Or maybe, I was just too busy patting myself on the back for the tangible things that I got lazy about the less tangible things. I’m not sure. But I do feel like I’m being way more mindful these days.

And you know… maybe it all just relates back to moving out of a very stressful time with the business and with finally having other things done and decisions made that were dangling. Either way, I’m trying to STAY mindful.

Daddy says...

...that if I have time to play with my makeup, then I have time to write an entry. #Touche.

So anyway...  things have felt much more grounded lately and I feel like we're transitioning pretty smoothly into our new normal.

The new normal I'm referring to has to do with lifestyle changes day to day as a result of some financial changes. So far, so good.

Things feel comfortably low-key, and I feel like we've really found our groove of late.

Last week, She gave me the most wonderful massage. She focused on my upper back and shoulders, then chest but probably spent most of the time on my face and it was wonderful... truly.

One important thing I learned from that experience was how much more intimate something like that feels when the attention is totally on you. I realized what a huge difference it makes to receive that kind of attention without any outside distractions. I often will have the tv on while I give Syr a manicure or what have you. So.... a couple days later, I gave Syr a quick mani, a hand massage, a foot massage, and did a similar massage that she'd done for me after that... with candles and music. It was SO much more intimate and connected than when I'm distracted. Not only did She clearly enjoy it more - but I did too. It's not that Syr hadn't commented on it in the past, it's just that I had never really understood the enormity of the differences. Till then. Lesson learned!!

I will be way more aware of this in the future. Will there be times I still offer services while distracted? Real life. Probably. Will I be FAR more aware, now, that it's not nearly the same quality of service I offer when I'm NOT being distracted and make sure that I offer those services as well? Hell yeah.

Always learning. Always growing.

The heart of my slavery

As my mind wandered today at lunch, I found myself thinking about how I personally define slavery. It was one of those wandering thoughts sort of moments, so it was sort of like being in a 'thought bubble' where words popped into mind..... and the words that came to mind first were...

devotion....

loyalty....

and surrender.

I started thinking about what those things mean to me. Devotion is simple, at least for me. It's either there, or it isn't. And with my Owner, it's there - and plenty of it. 

This morning, while I was listening to the radio, a song came on about doing anything for the one you love. And it occurred to me, in that moment, that for my Owner, I really would. Like really and truly. 

Maybe that seems like a no brainer, but until that moment, the reality of that had never really hit me. But it did this morning. I really would do anything for Her. Anything. Sometimes I have to really WORK at doing things that I need to do to improve for Her. But that devotion I feel right down to my tippy toes? That is the driving force.

Yes, I love my Owner with all my heart. But it's devotion that gives me the drive to never give up, to try harder.... to do more. To put in the effort. Every day.

Loyalty.... I got thinking about this one too.

I may not like confrontation - but I stand by my Owner. And no one better try to mess with Her. Period.

Surrender, ah that's the one that sounds the sweetest, but - in reality - is the absolute hardest.

When I succeed, it's magic. Actual magic. Powerful. Sizzling. Soft. Overwhelming. Complete.

But it isn't easy. It is about more than just softening when Syr presses me against the wall. It's about more than jumping up right away to fetch Her tea when She asks for it.

It's about softening when my instincts (and my difficult past) want me to fight. It's about letting go of control when I want to hold onto it the most. It's about trusting that even when I feel insecure, I can know that I'm safe and held and that She's in the driver's seat and everything will be okay. It's about shutting up when I want to yell and listening when I want to talk. 

So yes... surrender.

Surrender...devotion... loyalty... and of course love - all of these are at the heart of my slavery.

Devotional update

So, I was in the process of writing an entry and discovered a new distraction-free writing utility for my laptop when I accidentally lost the whole entry. Oops.

Anyway - see, I REALLY love distraction-free writing. Full screen. Dark screen. White text. Nothing but me and the words. It helps me feel more focused. It feels more meditative.

Speaking of which, about that entry.

Here's what it boils down to:

I had told myself that I could ONLY do my devotional daily writing by hand - because typing would be cheating.

And then I realized that it was old programming that was telling me that.

Back in the day I was a mega brat. I mean, I still have my moments but my submission is much deeper and pro-active and, well, active in general - than it used to be. And back in my uber-brat days, if a Dominant assigned me a bunch of lines and told me I could type them .. well...

5 minutes of cntrl+v later, my lines would be done. Voila. ;)

Now, back then, the were line-writing apps like FOW (Fond Of Writing - which I think is still around if you look hard enough), and there were sneaky Dom tricks like when Syr first rose to the challenge and had me type out a ton of lines but do stupid things like make every other letter of every word a capital, or different colours or whatever. And even WITH every shortcut I know, it still took FOREVER.

Anyway, the point is - that typing felt like "cheating".

But I started really thinking about the fact that I totally came up with this whole devotional idea in the first place. So why would I cheat? It's not a punishment. It's a meditative/mindfulness tool to help me deepen my submission and work on the issues I know I need to work on. So it serves no benefit to me or anyone else for me to "cheat" or copy/paste.

So, today, I decided to give it a try. Since I type so fast, I decided it was fair to type the Respect mantra 6 times and each action statement 10 times.

And WOW am I glad I tried it.

For starters, it felt WAY more meditative. The rhythm of the typing. The way my fingers could move over the words while I THOUGHT about them (since I don't hand-write much, I was focusing more on the actual act of writing before) and the sound of the keys clicking and the sight of the words neatly lining up on the screen - all of it enhanced the experience and I felt it down deep.

Now that's what I'm talking about!!! :)

It felt good. But, more importantly, it felt effective. And it still amounted to almost 1200 words and took me around 30 minutes - and that time was focused.

So I think I'm pretty happy with that.

Note to self

Sometimes bratting results in your Owner snickering and going about Her day.

But SOMETIMES bratting can result in a lesson delivered....

Such as the one you received today.

While kneeling in the presenting position....

Forehead to the floor.

Her foot on the back of your head.

While She gleefully sprays your entire back down with water from the spray attachment in the kitchen sink.

And leaves you there, forehead down, kneeling in a presentation bow in the middle of a puddle of very cold water asking...

"Who owns you?"

and then... most irritatingly...

"Who loves you?"

And when asked these questions, while you shiver from cold, you will answer (eventually)...

"You do, Syr."

And after all that, once you've gotten up and dried off and changed your clothes, you'll mop the floor with your lesson-water.

And you'll still like it on some level.

Cuz you are a twisted little slavegirl.

Celebrating a moment of doing well

On the way home from the dog park, Syr stops at McDonalds to get us some Iced Coffees (cuz dollar drink days, yo!). Yummy.

When we get the bag, I noticed she's purchased not one but two greasy, salty beef patties for our little doggies.

"You got them one patty each? That's a lot of grease!" I said disapprovingly. (passive-aggressive much?)

Exasperated sigh from Syr, "Then don't give them to them."

Me: Shutting up. Thinking. Considering what just happened and figuring a few things out...

1. I was being critical (read: nagging!) and passive aggressive with my comment. A more productive and direct comment might be - "I'm not sure I want to give this to them all at once. Is it okay if I split one between them now and give the other one to them later - or tomorrow?"

2. I could take Syr's exasperated comment at face value. In other words, if I objected to giving the patties to the dogs, I could just ... not.

So I took the time to think through all of this. Recognized that Syr had a right to feel exasperated in that moment based on the way I went about expressing my disapproval, and realized that since the dogs had just been running around - and since one of our spoiled pups runs normal to thin and the other heavy - that I felt okay giving it to them, but I just divided the patties much more unfairly. So that's what I did.

But I knew I COULD have given them less, or saved one for later, etc so I realized I felt fine about that.

Know what I didn't do? I didn't keep running my mouth, try to explain to Syr why I felt the grease was a problem, didn't go on and on.... didn't get annoyed with or question Syr for being exasperated.... I just ... took things at face value and then everything proceeded quite healthily from there.

I recognize that, to some, this is super uneventful and simple stuff. But for me, I'm still learning and working at basics like this so it felt like a big win. :) 

And I do have to say that I think the devotional writing exercise is helping. I did reduce the number of repetitions from 10 to 5 on the action statements. It still feels like it takes a good amount of time (if the cramp in my writing hand is any indication) and I feel the words sinking in. I do think the repetition is important for me to have the time to reflect but 5 seems sufficient whereas 10 felt excessive.

I do think it helps to remind myself not only of what the things are that I'm working on but WHY I'm working on them... and so writing down WHY I respect my Owner is as important as (or even more than) the fact that I DO respect my Owner.

Devotional

Devotional.

Reminder.

Ritual.

Whatever I want to call it, that's what I'm about to create for myself.

See I fucked up yesterday. And since fucking up isn't allowed, it's like I broke a big ass rule.

And there were consequences. Ouchy ones - and not the physical kind.

Then, today, I stumbled across this quote:

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." -C.G. Jung

Yeowch.

See, our dynamic is all about responsibility. I come from a traumatic, dysfunctional and abusive past. And the remnants of that past that show up in my behaviors, we call "fleas". Dysfunctional little clingy buggers that rear their ugly heads usually during times of stress and/or conflict. And they cause some big ol' drama... PARTICULARLY because said fleas are embedded and unconscious behaviors. But as Syr always says - they may not be my fault, but they are my problem. 

And yesterday they were her problem - er as in they affected her.

I did some Her Eyes Only writing on this yesterday, but I'm still reflecting today and realize that if I truly want to make the unconscious conscious... then part of what I need to do is make sure these behaviors are front of mind and that I'm making deliberate choices in the moments that matter most - so that I can have more perceived control over my own actions.

All of which is to say that since writing is one of my most effective methods of dealing with my shit, and since writing is a requirement anyway, and since I thrive on ritual and routine, why couldn't I create my own devotional process around the behaviors I want to change - bringing them to the forefront of my mind every day.

And I realized it needed to start with me - and continue with me. I don't need (though I may sometimes want...) Syr to assign me things like this. I know what needs to be done to make our life better, our relationship stronger - so why don't I just fucking do it already? ;) 

So it started with something Syr said yesterday and has said before.... sometimes She doesn't feel like I respect Her. Now this comes about because my fleas sometimes 'win over' (translation: i let them take over) and I end up treating Her in ways not in line with how I actually FEEL about Her. In other words, I DO respect Her... so much. But I sometimes suck at showing it. 

So I began with this.. the definition of respect: 

Re-spect / re'spekt (verb) - to admire someone deeply as a result of their abilities, qualities or achievements.

And so I wrote down the things about Syr that make Her so worthy of my respect. And then I developed a mantra based on the list of qualities I had made.

"I respect my Owner because She is patient, strong, kind, understanding, supportive, intuitive, loving, affectionate, intelligent, honest, trustworthy and knows me better than I know myself."

And then I came up with a list of commitments based on previous reminders to self and issues I know I need to work on:

Each commitment begins with these words

"I will treat my Owner with the respect she has earned by actively doing the following:"

• I will respond to difficult moments by listening instead of controlling or 'fixing'.
• I will communicate calmly, clearly, and directly.
• I will answer questions honestly and without hesitation or redirection.
• I will not argue. If I feel "right", I will think about it and then write my thoughts down.
• I will NEVER deny my behavior when Syr points out that I am either arguing or not listening.
• I will proactively offer personal services that Syr finds enjoyable.
• I will abstain from picking and chewing
• I will trust her motives and intentions are always in my best interest. Always.

So a great deal of thought went into each of these statements. I wanted them to be clear and speak to some of my most tenacious fleas.

The BIGGEST issues I have revolve around my inability to listen when a situation is tense or intense in some way.

Essentially, I have recognized that there is a HUGE difference between actively listening and thoughtfully responding and jumping into "fix it mode" (the latter being a huge flea from my childhood). Fix it mode is all about "say anything ANYTHING so that this unpleasantness goes away", which also means it's also not always honest (with myself or others) and is more about 'damage control' (key word - control). What I realize is when I'm in fix it mode, I am more likely to 'say what i think she wants to hear' instead of being really aware and mindful and saying what I really think/feel/mean... and this always - ALWAYS leads to problems. For obvious reasons.

I have also recognized that when I'm listening and thoughtfully responding, I am being (overall) more honest, more mindful, and am way less likely to let a flea take over/take control in that moment.

I've also discovered that, to date, Syr has NEVER EVER turned out to be wrong when She's accused me of either a: arguing/fighting, b: not listening or c: trying to control a situation. Not once has she been wrong. I always see it after the fact.

So, it behooves me to learn how to shut the fuck up when she points out any of these things and remember that she's right. Even if I don't see it in that moment, I'm going to very soon and then I'm going to feel like an idiot and be ashamed of myself for days for my misbehavior and Syr's going to get hurt and it's just gonna be all around really really bad so. yeah.

I've discovered that there are three major "cues" for me to shut up (STFU/Shut The Fuck Up) when a moment gets tense.

Cue #1: Syr says, "You're not listening."

My Pattern: "Yes I am! And here's why/how/etc". Note that this response negates/defends and invalidates Syr's feelings. Yuck.

Appropriate Response: "Sorry, Syr. Please continue." and then STFU.

Cue #2: Syr says, "I'm not going to argue/fight about this."

My Pattern: "But I'm not fighting/arguing.... and here's how/why/etc." Note again that this response negates/defends and disrespects Syr's wishes/boundaries.

Appropriate Response: "Okay. I'm sorry, Syr." and then STFU (note: if I'm still feeling like 'arguing' at this point or still feel there's a misunderstanding, miscommunication or anything else I need to "clear up" then my job is to sit the fuck down and write about it - not continue with the verbal battering ram. 

Cue #3: Syr says, "I'm not doing this."

This is pretty much EXACTLY the same thing as Cue #2 so basically... see above.

ALL of this went into coming up with the respect mantra and commitments. 

I also know enough about how my brain seems to respond to words on paper and repetition and focus without distraction. So, I've decided to try writing these things out daily in a notebook for a while as a daily devotional/ritual to set my mind/focus on the right track each day.

I don't know if this will help/resonate but it feels like a useful thing to do and so I will try it and see if it helps. Here's what I intend to write.

Respect Mantra - 3 times.

Followed by each Commitment - 10 times.

And yes, that means 83 lines, every day. And maybe that's too much. I'm not sure. It's not a self-assigned punishment. It's about mindfulness. If 10 turns out to be too much, I'll pare it back to 5. But I think it's important to write them out by hand. And I think it's important to do it regularly. And I think that if I can, in this way, start to bring these commitments to the front of my mind every day that I can really start to make the unconscious, conscious. 

That's the purpose.

On listening

So one of my assigned rotating writing topics is listening.

Thinking about how listening impacted our day today, I am aware of a few examples of consciously choosing to listen....

Earlier today, I asked Syr if, as a celebration of our upcoming anniversary, I could use the change in my piggy bank to buy a Wii.

Context: I wanted a replacement Wii since we'd lost our original one to the man-kids when they moved out (though it was kinda broken, and they've now upgraded to a WiiU). ANYWAY, I was asking if I could use this change money on a Wii (guessing we had almost enough if not enough).

Syr said yes, and we took the piggybank to the change machine at the bank and cashed it in and it came to almost exactly $100.

That was exciting! We knew we could get a brand new Wii Mini at Best Buy for $99 but then there would be taxes and extra controllers and... well it adds up. Then I found out that it doesn't have internet access OR a memory card slot and I was all like.. uhh..... so I checked Craigslist and found a used Red & Black Wii bundle someone was ditching for $100 - and it came with two controllers, an induction charging pad and a game!

So I tried to ask Syr without beating around the bush if we could go get it today.... and here's where I finally get to the point...

Syr said yes. But She showed some signs of ... hesitation? annoyance? I'm not sure.

Now, in the past, Syr has told me that I need to accept the answer I'm given EVEN IF She doesn't seem happy about it, seems annoyed or whatever. But that's hard for me, because if Syr seems unhappy I want to backtrack and retract the question... but that causes its own set of problems and sometimes makes Syr feel like She can't have an emotion or a 'moment' without me turning it into a federal case.

So, this time, I took Her answer at face value and before I know it, we were on the road to pick up the Wii and Syr seemed totally fine with it. When we got it home and set it up, Syr actually seemed a little bit excited. ;) So whatever the moment was that Syr had obviously wasn't that big of a deal - or She would have said so.

So that long-winded thing was one example. LOL

Another example?

When Syr was navigating to and from the pickup place for the Wii.....  often I question Syr's navigation instructions when I'm driving (yeah I'm THAT driver) and then Syr gets annoyed. I took all Her instructions in stride even when they didn't seem to make sense and wouldn't you know - we got to our destination and home without any fuss. heh.

Listening. SO simple, right?

Learning from a fight or flight moment

So.... "fight or flight" came up today. I got so angry so fast. :( Haven't had that happen (bodily) for a very long time.

I mean.. righteous indignation/shaky anger.

And you know what, it lasted all of about 15 minutes. At the very most. 

And wanna know what I learned by observing how I felt and how long it (didn't) last and how Syr responded/reacted? TWO things... actually.

FIRST - 

I noticed something almost immediately. Syr didn't try to fix/control/micromanage or understand my anger. She didn't suddenly start asking me why I was acting so pissed off. She didn't try to justify or defend anything She'd said or done. She watched. She waited. She maybe made one or two comments about it (at most) to indicate She was noticing/seeing it. But otherwise She stayed relatively quiet. She chose whatever words She spoke fairly carefully (not in an anxiety-ridden way but in an.. hm. open way). She didn't RE-act. She didn't get angry at me for me being angry. I mean, She didn't seem happy about it... maybe even annoyed or exasperated. But She didn't panic, freak out or get angry AT me.

And you know what I recognize looking back? She was LETTING me have my feelings. Experience them. Even though, they were pretty much directed RIGHT AT HER.

And when I think about this... I think about how when Syr is angry or annoyed or frustrated it is so fucking hard for me to just let Her have Her feelings without jumping into anxiety-filled "fix it" mode where I try to control/micromanage/help/explain away/justify/defend or do anything so she won't have that emotion 'at' (perceived) me.

But Syr didn't see my anger as an attack. Hm. Correction... whether or not She saw it as an attack, She didn't immediately squash it. 

But I do. She seems so... comfortable (for lack of better word) ... with the discomfort of intense emotions ... that is, by comparison to my intense anxiety/discomfort with intense emotions. I see/perceive anger and I'm like 'omg make it go away' and I KNOW deep down in my bones that this is a response to childhood trauma/abuse around 'unpleasant' or difficult emotions. BUT the contrast to how I behave when She's angry vs. how She behaved when I'm angry was... startling.

I've been trying to work on NOT squashing/defending/jumping into fix-it mode the second I see/perceive/notice an unpleasant emotion. It's total damage control mode... it's also totally survival mode... and it's super unhealthy for Her.

So.... SECOND....

After noticing all this stuff about being allowed to have my emotions, I also noticed/identified the trigger. 

It was a dang email from someone who I had a business relationship with and who may be 'coming after me' financially....  someone who hinted I owed them a particular set of behaviors that i know damn well I don't owe them but I got 'triggered' none the less. So, after identifying how intense/out-of-line I was being, I knelt for my Owner to get a little internal headshake and Syr gave me a wonderful foot-head moment to ground..... and afterwards said something that SERIOUSLY hit home....

It wasn't that I got this email from this dude and just had a moment of wanting to shut the guy up by doing what he wanted... it was that I was triggered and jumping like I wanted to rush out and "obey" him.

That word. Obey.

And yes. That's exactly how I had been feeling. EITHER WAY I was not in any way going to act on it. But the ICK factor of that feeling of rushing out to obey someone who doesn't matter when my real life in-the-flesh Owner was sitting next to me in the car? Ooooooh boy.... did that clarify things or what?!

No wonder.

See I have a trigger around authority figures/unhealthy/dysfunctional type trigger where I get to feeling weak and like i should do whatever "they" say when they have some sort of "power-over" me (real or perceived). But I did NOT make the connection to the fact that it's like I'm being submissive to these people who are not my Owner when I react like that.

Ew.

Syr installed my backbone you know. Before this relationship, I really was just barely beginning to learn how to stand up for myself and it wasn't exactly smooth sailing. So much of the early years of our relationship were about Syr teaching me how to be more assertive... how to stand up for myself especially to people trying to "power-over" me. 

But the IMPULSE or... instinct (?) maybe to do this is still there. It still rears its ugly head now and then, especially during times of stress because, and it makes sense.... that was how i got by day to day for so long. OBEDIENCE **WAS** my survival skill. Some people dissassociate. Some rebel. I obeyed. Always. Without question. 

But THAT type of obedience is crazy-dysfunctional, disempowering, super duper unhealthy. **nods** it's just bad juju all around. So when Syr sees me behaving that way.... it's like a big ol' slap in Her "hey I totally earned your obedience you ungrateful little...." face. Yep. 

Duh.

I don't need to obey anyone.... ANYONE... except Syr. No one. NO ONE else is my dominant, my owner, and NO ONE else has earned that kind of blind faith and trust. But Syr has. 

So when Syr says I don't need to do what "so and so" says, I damn well better listen because...

She's right.

And doing anything else is like flipping Her the bird (and not in that fun bratty way but in the holy crap i'm being an oblivious and selfish little slavegirl way).

Control Issues

Soooooo, today some control issues reared their ugly heads. :(

I've been just sorta bouncing around in an almost round-the-clock subspace so I was convinced, I mean CONVINCED that I was coming at this thing from at totally subbie/service mindset... but....

Nope.

Deep down, what was going on was a desperate grab for control - control that I neither want nor need (and that is actually super unhealthy for me to have).

Of course, you'd think I'd be able to figure that out on my own, what with all this personal growth shit I've been doing for the last while...  but...

Nope.

And so, since this ended up looking like shades of many previous (dysfunctional) mad grabs for control on my part, Syr responded to this little act of service (read: grab for control) with all the patience of a gnat (and an angry gnat) because dammit I'm still doing this shit?

Basically.

And since my Owner seemed to go from zero to pissed in a manner of 3.5 seconds, I went from anxious control-freak girl to defensive dysfunctional girl in 4.5 and well you can guess how well that went over.

As in it didn't.

As in I fucked up.

It always comes back to shutting up and listening. Goddamnit. It's not that hard. I mean it is. But it's not that complicated and it SHOULDN'T be that hard. Really it's simple....

Stop. Fucking. Talking.

Listen.

TRUST

Cuz when I don't, it goes down like it did this afternoon. Syr pissed off. Me confused and anxious and not sure what I did wrong (cuz I didn't listen) - and then finally shutting up..... getting a few minutes to think and then my favourite moment ever happens (note: sarcasm)...

Oh shit. She was right.

Every.

Fucking.

Time.

For real. Every time. Every damn time. You'd think by now I'd have figured out that She always has my number. She ALWAYS ALWAYS knows what's going on under the surface even... no..

ESPECIALLY

when I don't understand what's going on.

So, cue me, contrite, red-faced, ashamed, and feeling like an idiot.....  about an hour later....admitting that yes... actually... I was trying to control the situation. I didn't realize it at the time... but that's what I was doing. Yes Syr. Exactly that.

And um, I'm sorry for making You have to tell me that about eight different times, eight different ways while I stared at you like a complete moron going "what are you talking about?!??!" because I wouldn't shut up long enough to listen/understand what you were talking about.

Again.

:(

As. Always. once I shut up, everything made sense. *sigh* So as always it comes back to that.

But I think, sometimes, more importantly even... what it comes down to is remembering and trusting that when you say I'm doing something or exhibiting a particular (usually unhealthy) behavior that you're right. And even if I don't know it now, in about fifteen minutes once I shut the fuck up, I'm going to realize you're right and feel like an idiot and a general fuck-up and maybe I could just save us both the trouble next time?

That's what I'm thinking right now.

These defensive, untrusty moments are totally undeserved and a colossal waste of time.
So.... I have more work to do.

Maybe perhaps part of that work is revisiting my old daily topics, and checking in with my Owner about these..... if they're still relevant, if they need to be updated/changed, and getting them back in the writing rotation, properly.

*Shutting Up
*Fight or Flight
*Listening
*Learning Coping & Behavior Strategies As An Adult
*Responding vs. Controlling a Situation
*Normal Situation / Abnormal Response
*Negating/Defending instead of Admitting/Moving Forward
*Answering Questions Indirectly

I need to check with Syr to see if ALL these are still relevant or if She wants to change/update any of them.

Softening

My Owner was in the kitchen, working on dinner, when I walked up behind her, softly knelt and offered up the soft, supple lavender collar.

She turned around, smiled and buckled it into place, one hand tangling tightly in my hair afterward.

My body softened, as it always does in that hard-to-describe way. And the evening continued.

The evening continued, much as it otherwise would have, for the next several hours.

In that time, we had dinner. I gave Syr a foot rub. We had a miscommunication and I had a learning opportunity when I mishandled the situation. A reminder that often all I need to do to right a wrong in those moments is stop talking - which I eventually did (baby steps!).

In so many ways, like so many other evenings... but that softness. That hard-to-describe receptiveness. It's not about perfection. It's not about night and day differences. It's subtler. Sweeter. Simpler. Real.

I snuggled up to Her and asked if She maybe was up to beating me. It was late. And Syr reminded me of the time I'd wasted with my poor behavior earlier. Contrite, I hide my face against Her chest and apologized for the loss of time.

A kiss on the forehead. Acknowledgement of the lesson learned. Forgiven.

"Go make me a tea." She commanded. I obeyed.

As I waited for the kettle to boil, Syr decided She would go get the needles.

I poured the tea and, as I stood there, waiting for the proper amount of steeping time, I watched Syr's gloved hands moving over the supplies She'd laid out. I whimpered. I hesitated.

Syr had me bring the tea right away, not fully steeped so that it could steep closer to Her and I could have less excuse for stalling. And so I obeyed.

Nervous and whimpery and shaky as She opened the alcohol prep pad, eyes glinting evilly as She swiped it across my nipples.

If exclamation points had a sound, that's the sound I made.

Not one to miss an opportunity, Syr capitalized on my frightened noises and made comments about piercing my nipples, one direction and then another...  I knew She this was likely just fear-play.

But what if it wasn't? I mean. It probably was. But there was always a chance.

And there was this moment, when even though I knew that She was likely just messing with me, that I knew I trusted Her. I'm not sure exactly if that meant that if She decided to pierce my nipples I would let Her or if it meant that I knew down deep in my bones that She wouldn't do anything unsafe or that was too much for me to handle (likely the latter) - but in either case, there was this... further softening.

I'm sure that from Syr's position, that softening was completely undetectable.

I mean, on the outside, I was still wiggly and whimpery and squirmy and nervous.

But on the inside, I was filled with trust and surrender and submission.

I guess that probably won't make any sense when read. But it is still the truth.

Syr settled on the flesh above my nipple. I was all eeky about it. It had been a while since we'd played with needles. The first slid in almost too easily, the familiar pinch/poke when it comes out the other side... that is always the ouchiest point for me. Another followed on the other side. A matching set. Two more near the first ones for a total of four needles.

Each one still scary.

Still... perhaps I wanted more. Perhaps I don't always know what I want, though.

She played with them a little.... and I enjoyed looking at them. She often does needles in my back... but I think I might prefer them in front. I guess it's hard to say.

And then She had me go get Her something to beat me with. Sting was covered by the pokey needles in my breasts, so I went for thud and grabbed the flogger and the Nerf bat. And the stool and a pillow for my knees.....

Floaty from the needles and the tiny little drop of blood on my breast (so innocuous, really, but so potent anyway), I draped myself over the stool.

I had to be still. Because pokey things still in my breasts!

Syr began with the bat and it hurt. A lot. I have mixed feelings about the bat. It's thuddy, I guess. But it's almost kind of slappy. And I don't know. I think I like it. But I think I like it for the deeper feeling of it after. Sometimes I think it stings. Sometimes I don't know what I like. Or what I need. But then - that's what my Owner is for. ;)

And then the flogger.

Syr stood beside me. Behind me. And in front of me. She focused, primarily, on my upper back/back of shoulders.

At one point, She moved beside me, Her left palm pressing me down, hand firm in my middle back... Her right hand swinging the flogger at the sweet spot of my upturned bottom.

Heaven.

She got into a rhythm I could feel through my entire body when She moved back to my back.

The best rhythm was when She stood in front of my head, lifted my hair with one hand to pull my head into the place where Her upper thighs touch to hold it in place, and went at my upper back from above.

Something about the rhythm and intensity started to feel familiar and yet not. Her flogger is short, but Her strokes more confident than maybe ever before. The rhythm felt even and I felt myself sinking. Sinking.

At one point I asked if She would consider moving behind me again... because everything felt so perfect but I was mentally having trouble wrapping my brain around being flogged "upside down"... because, you see, every other time I've been flogged I've been standing, the strokes going from shoulders down.... but because Syr was above my head and swinging down, the strokes felt like they were going up (well they were...) and my brain was not processing the change.

She decided to grant my wish and moved to another angle and I almost immediately regretted asking for a change. Why was I overthinking? Who was in charge. I admitted my error and Syr chuckled and moved back to where She was and I ... got lost.

It all gets blurry around and in-between these moments because... well.. sub space.. I think She used the bat more. I think She flogged my bottom more. I know at some point She pulled the needles out because I remember the sharp intake of breath at their removal... the sting... and the intoxication of seeing the tiny little dots of blood.

I don't remember how or when exactly Syr decided playtime was over.

I do remember curling up between her legs as She sat on the couch and wrapped me up in Her arms and gave me some sips of water.

I do remember holding Her so tight, fingers digging into Her back, that moment of aftercare when what I want is to fuse our two bodies together because close isn't close enough in that moment.

Other than that, the rest of the night is all mushed together into a blob of happy and soft. :)

Feeling

Feeling...

Connected.
Loved.
Safe.
Mindful.
Owned.

Moments

Just a regular morning.

Getting up. Taking the pups for their morning walk. 

Getting my Owner her tea. Serving it on my knees.

In all the craziness of the past year, some of the things I've missed the most are these little moments.

Nightmare

Last night, I woke up at 4:30 or so in the morning, after a horribly vivid nightmare about, well, things I am actually working on (read: know I have been sucky at off and on for a long time).

It was tough.

In the dream (nightmare), Syr and I were sitting on the couch together... and Syr got that look on her face that usually means she's irritated or upset or frustrated or something... and so I asked what was up.

The next thing I remember, she is tearfully reciting a poem she wrote about me, and it wasn't a nice one.

The lines that stood out to me the most, that I remember are the opening line "I can't remember the last time I woke up to the smell of bacon in the morning" and a line in the middle which I can't remember word for word but which basically amounted to the fact that she's found herself with a bad slave and an abusive girl for a wife (or some such). I remember in the dream admitting to my general suckage and we both said the words "not enough" a lot about my efforts or something.

The reality is, that sometimes (a lot of the time), I get very self-focused (tunnel-vision like) and stop seeing the forest for the trees. I get hung up and stuck on small unimportant things which prevent me from seeing the bigger picture.

The message in the nightmare/dream was clear.... remember who I am and why everything about WIITWD is so important to me.

The dream felt like a swift kick in the ass - and a painful one. And so I lay there awake for almost an hour and a half... trying to figure out what I should do. If I should get up and write about it.... at which point I knew I wouldn't get back to sleep and I had work at 9am.... or what? Instead I spiraled. And stewed. About my suckage.

At about 5:30am I realized I needed to do something so I could get back to sleep. So I made a few notes on my phone so I would remember the dream and then I came out to the couch where Syr had moved to (I found out later it was cuz her leg was jumpy) and got some reassuring sleepy snuggles.

After that, I got back to sleep but the anxiety lingered.

When Syr and I finally had a chance to talk about the dream at lunch, Syr was really loving and reassuring and reminded me that what sets us apart as a couple in many ways is the way we work on stuff - all the time. These are all known issues and things I'm actively working on and yes, there are days I could do better, but she just... reminded me that I am loved and precious and it's okay - and I really needed that.

I'm due to bleed in three days.  Thanks PMS!! Ughs.

In other news... it's my birthday!!! <3

I'm 38. That feels weird to say. 40 will feel weirder, I think. lol

The simplest hardest moments to submit

The simplest... but hardest.... moments to submit, are the ones when it is just day to day stuff and I'm getting a bit mouthy and indignant and then there's that moment when I remember....

Oh. Yeah. I'm owned. This is my Owner I'm talking to. And I have a choice in that moment to do that extra work to step back, to remember, to think about what's happening and either shut the heck up and cool off or re-approach the conversation with about 1000% more respect.

It's so simple, really. But sometimes it's the simple stuff that's the hardest.

And so when I manage it, even if it's not as fast or as perfect as I or She might wish it to be, it's still like ..... "WIN!"

Just a little glimpse into the simplest hardest moments of submission in this, my real life.

New uses for furniture...

So since yesterday, Syr has discovered several new uses for furniture. :-/

It began, yesterday, when I sweetly asked for a flogging. Syr and I only have one small leather flogger in our possession. (Note: I have plans to make a thuddy rope one soon).

Syr has a fondness for beating my bum. But, for some reason, I asked her where she wanted to focus (hoping for back/shoulders but having difficulty communicating it). Syr, in all of her wise intuitiveness said, "I'm thinking about your upper back and shoulders. Haven't done that area in a while". And I wiggled happily. So, she decided to sit me in my pink armless office chair, facing the back. This seemed like genius, except it is a wheeled chair which makes it easy to wiggle away from the ouchies. ;)

Syr loved it because she just sat back on the couch, wheeled me right up to her, and got to swing at my back and shoulders. I liked having some support in front of my chest - reminded me a bit of the olden days when I'd get beaten on saint andrew's crosses and spanking benches and things. :)  I forgot how nice it was to have something to lean my weight into while I'm getting hit with impact things. :)

And then as she pulled me closer and my bum wiggled further to the end of the chair, she noticed how things were, well.. ahem... lining up.

Next thing I know, she's off to the bedroom and comes back, strapping Ripper (for those not in the know, Ripper is her very textured cock - and my very favourite that we've ever had).

So she gets herself all cozy on the couch and pulls the chair right up, lines things up and .... the next thing I know, I'm being sorta reverse-cow-girl fucked while my Owner flogs my back. Can you say yum?

Every few strikes, she'd grab my hips and pull me back into her, hard.  It was almost too many different types of stimulation all at once, though. But there was something really lovely about just feeling her cock in me WHILE she flogged me.

After a bit, she stood up and had me face the back of the couch, knees on the seat, hands on the wall, and drove into me from behind... rather viciously (yum!!) again.... digging her nails into the flesh on my hips.... then grabbing the nylon collar around my neck with one hand and my hair in the other and using those spots as leverage (oh my word). It was... really hot.

Really. Hot.

I couldn't walk for a good twenty minutes. We learned that the chair on wheels made an amazing aftercare tool. Syr wrapped me up in towels and put me sideways on the chair and pulled me real close for snuggles and pets and water and all the good things.

Then.... today....

I got home after some morning work, and when I came home I had chores to do - putting away dishes and folding a giant pile of laundry and I was feeling a bit cranky about it. SO, instead of turning into a megabrat,  I decided to ask Syr if she wanted to warm my bum back up.

Well... rather... I sorta hovered near her and wiggled my bum and she said "How's your back" and I said "it's okay.........but I can't really feel it..." (referring to yesterday). And then she said "do you want me to warm it back up for you?" and I was all like "YES PLEASE" and so she cocked an eyebrow and said, "okay then get me the crop and the red thing" and I was halfway to the bedroom to fetch them when she said "wow, you really DO need it, don't you?" and THAT is when I realized that normally if she suggested the red thing I'd have run for the hills - but even THAT sounded nice... ;) So anyway, I DID come back with the crop, the red thing, AND the flogger because.... reasons.

Syr pointed at the floor and told me to drag over the footstool. I knew what she wanted - easy access to the sweet spot....  so I tossed a pillow down for my knees and used the foot stool/ottoman to support my chest/ribs/belly and... voila... instant spanking bench!! I had lots of support and Syr had all the access to my sweet spot she needed... and she still got to sit on the couch.  Heh.

She gave me the most DELICIOULY thorough beating, then. Flogged on my upper back and shoulders, flogged on my bum, spanked, the crop (tip), the crop (cane-style), the red thing (which by comparison to the crop started to feel almost thuddy), and the flogger...  And she spent lots of time on warmup, so I got all the endorphins going so that by the end she could use her WHOLE ARM SWING with the flogger and oh my god, the heat on my bum was so wonderful.... and so needed.

After that, I just floated into the bedroom to fold the laundry.

Now that's a win/win if you ask me.

Happy Daddy's Day, Daddy!!!

Today is Father's Day. And, history has shown that "fathers" have kinda been a hit or miss thing in my life. Not reliable. Not safe. Not unconditional love. All the things that "fathers" are supposed to be aren't things I had in my life. So, Father's Day as a 'day' has always been really problematic. Difficult.

But one person has always made me feel safe: my Daddy.

So, this morning, I woke up feeling grateful for such a loving dominant Daddy in my life. I feel safe and protected. I feel held. I feel loved. Unconditionally.

Yes, Daddy often challenges me. She demands my best. But always her guidance is about what's in my best interest, truly. But she loves me with her whole heart. She doesn't just tell me what to do, she leads me. She makes me feel treasured.

I love my Daddy with all of my heart and soul and am so very grateful to have her in my life.

Happy Daddy's Day, Daddy!

Be careful what you wish for.....

Raise your hand if you're surprised by the title of today's post.

Mmhmm. I didn't think so. ;)

Not that I'm complaining.

Since reading my post (and really, already before then a wee bit), Syr has been beating me on the regular and I've been soaking it up like a thirsty little spongey girl.

Since she's not feeling all that well, She's sorta bypassing any semblance of a warm-up and being rather efficient about it. Which, in the moment, is super hard because my pain threshold is low without a warmup and much, much higher with one - and I suppose that's the point of efficiency eh?

In any case, my bottom has lots of pretty marks all over it, some of which I can still feel just the tiniest bit if I wiggle just right.

Since my last post, Syr has given me...

• a harsh but efficient beating with both the crop and the nerf bat (which left my bum more unscathed than Syr would have preferred)
• an even harsher delivery of blows later that day with the evil red thing (which looks a lot like this - but plastic and red, and it DID leave some marks Syr was happy with). Also. Ow. 
• a not-so-tender fucking with the glass cock (which looks a bit like this) and the Hitachi Magic Wand until I came so many times I basically passed out (briefly). 
• A couple ruthless smacks with the evil red thing followed by 30 not-so-gentle blows with the flogger.
• A short and nice delivery of bare handed to bare-bottom blows right before bed last night.

We're  both much more relaxed when She keeps me in this permanent state of littleness and I am adoring that feeling. So... happy slavegirl here!

Annnnnd She gave me permission to buy 6 months of support account at Fetlife even though our disposable income is... well.. kinda nonexistent at the moment. *purr*  Now if I could only figure out how to navigate videos to find the spanking and caning and other bdsmy vids in and around all the blowjob and other vids. *pout* Fetlife videos need a search feature and tags or categories or something! LOL

Update again soon!