Slave Journal

So, I've been listening to the Erotic Awakenings Podcast with Dan & Dawn lately...

When I heard on my podcast, the idea of a "slave journal", I was intrigued. Especially because what caught my attention about the podcast was that it wasn't about the slave at all. ;) I've kept journals for my Owner since forever... journals of self-reflection available for them to see/read. I've always done that and it's served a wonderful purpose - but it's one focused on me - my growth. It's valuable and helpful. But I have never had a slave journal that was focused on service... on my Owner.

So when I heard the podcast describe what a slave journal means to them - and how they use it, I was *captivated*. The idea is that the slave keeps a small notebook, near them at all times.... to write down instructions/orders the Owner mentions - to remember. There have been so many times Syr's said something like... "I haven't been drinking enough water" or "I keep forgetting to take my allergy pills" - and sometimes would ask me to help Her remember or to bring Her the pill in the am or pm or whatever. And since I have the memory of a sieve, it became NORMAL to me (and to Her I suspect) for me to forget - for things to slip my mind. She rarely gives me a direct 'order' in the manner of "and that's an order, slave". She does. But not often. But She regularly mentions things She wishes me to do.... either occasionally or regularly. And sometimes (most of the time?) I forget. It never really occurred to me how valuable a log of these requests/suggestions/preferences could be helpful - even though I keep such a log for work! At work, when I take a phone call or talk to a customer in person and they have a request, I write it down, and I keep this in a running log. As I complete tasks, they get checked off or crossed off..... simple and helps make sure I don't "drop the ball" at work.  Soooo hellooooooo wouldn't that help me keep from dropping the ball at home? The M/s couple I was listening to on the podcast just had two simple rules for the slave journal - It must be nearby, the slave must know where it is at least - at all times and be willing to present it if asked. It must be handwritten/paper and pen - not an app. Nothing electronic. I was curious why... but they explained and it made sense. Pen and paper is tactile. And, pen and paper doesn't have distractions - whereas phones/apps do.... one could be about to make a note and then get distracted and start playing on Facebook or what have you. Pen & paper is simple, straightforward.

So I decided to try it. I run it a little different than my work one. I re-write daily tasks - habits I'm trying to build every day. And I add little *'d one-off or occasional tasks. It began by me sitting down and thinking of those things that Syr has mentioned in the past She likes or would like me to do.... and a couple things I guessed She would appreciate/enjoy or would make Her life easier. Things I'd like to do every day. Things I'd like to become habits. Like... keeping a freshened/refilled water cup by Her at all times.... making sure to make the coffee (or prep it for Her), giving Her daily meds/vitamin/etc every day, reminding Her to eat lunch on weekdays since She tends to forget. lol. Starting simple. 

And now, when She mentions She wants me to do something - as a one-off or occasionally, I write it down as soon as I can. And then I don't forget. The other day She'd asked me to roll some yarn into balls. That got added, so I would remember to go back to it after only rolling 1 or 2 the first day. She mentioned that She wanted to make sure the dogs got a bath yesterday, that got written down, and so I remembered to do it when I got home. She mentioned we needed ONLY milk and eggs at the store... so I wrote that down, so I wouldn't get squirrelly and add other things to my shopping basket. Uncompleted one-off tasks get copied down the next day so I never have to look back on previous days entries to remember what's not yet completed. These things seem simple, obvious even. But just the act of writing them down means I *actually* remember. And I know She's been pleasantly surprised by some of the things I've followed up on - like the dog bath. Because we've both normalized how quickly/easily I forget things or get distracted.

The reality is that when I maintain a service mindset - no matter how casual/basic, I stay a thousand times more mindful at ALL times. It makes me less combative, it keeps the fact that I am owned more front of mind - meaning I handle myself better during moments of tension - so that I can be a slave ALL the time and not throw it away when the road gets bumpy....  but it must have been exhausting, frustrating, and defeating for Syr to always have to remind me of things She's asked me to do.....  

I've kept "to do lists" on apps before.. but they always failed after a time. And I wonder if it's partly because there's no physical ritual/action with those. Recurring tasks mean I don't have to re-write a list every day. And one thing I've noticed is that once I've written it down, I tend to remember without having to look at it again. I DO look at it again... but I don't have to as much. The transference to paper helps set it in memory. And I have to say that it's very satisfying. 

So far, I'm finding it a very useful tool. And I really like that it's focused on Her and not on me. that feels like a useful exercise/ritual all by itself.

Still Her little girl

I do most of my writing, these days, in a more locked environment - though I'm not sure that's really necessary. It's just that, often, it's introspective. In that environment, I've been writing almost daily. I actually have an excellent streak in April. The only days I didn't write anything are April 6th, 20th and yesterday - though I did write late Friday night.

In any case, I had a lovely dinner and conversation visit with friends yesterday. As I expressed to them, it always feels so wonderful to be with friends who A: I can be totally myself with and, B: I can talk about kink with. There are complexities to Syr and my relationship and the necessary work and growth and stuff - that is such a BIG part of who She is to me and how I try to live my life - that when big things happen, breakthroughs and otherwise - having people I can talk to about that is really nice.

Syr was supposed to be there with us last night, but is recovering from a back injury/irritation and just wasn't up to it. So I pretty much talked everyone's ears off. LOL But there was talking all around which was really nice. I feel like I got to know my friend's Daddy better, which was really nice. And I also loved seeing how happy my friend is. So that all felt lovely.

As usually happens after I get a chance to spend time around kinky or kink-friendly people, I came home feeling little. Syr wasn't up to a full-blow beating or anything, but She definitely noticed my littleness and asked about it... or rather... asked me what I was thinking about...and I replied... (eventually)... "pain".

She hugged me close, and dug Her nails into my back, and bit my neck and shoulder hard and held on until I softened in Her arms as I always do when She tells me to breathe and makes it clear I'm taking what I'm given. And then She did it all over again. And again. And again. And I just turned into jello in Her arms. I knelt at Her feet just before we crawled into bed and fell into Her arms feeling little and safe and warm. I fell asleep stroking Her back lightly and slept so well.

A check in and a bit of a self evaluation

It’s been way, way too long since I last did a devotional. So I’m going to do that next.

First I wanted to just write about how things have been going, or how – at least – I think they’ve been going and how I’m doing from a service perspective.

When it comes to day to day interactions, I’m feeling stronger and healthier in many ways than ever before.  I feel like in a more general way, I LISTEN way better than I ever used to. And I’m TRUSTING better… especially when it comes to taking things at face value.  And when I screw up and get called on it, I’m WAY slower to automatically defend myself and I tend to take corrections better and not freak out. It’s not to say I’m a perfect angel or anything, but I definitely feel like I’m better at hearing that I’ve screwed up without having to turn it into a huge drama.

There have also been some examples even in the last few days of moments when we disagree and I can see that annoys Her, but She also communicates either by saying “okay” or some other verbal that she’s letting it go. In the past, I couldn’t stop when that happened. As if I needed to convince Her to see it my way before I could move on. I have been trying really hard to knock that non-productive crap off and have been mostly succeeding. Sometimes I START and she reminds me that it needs to stop… and I do… and the day moves on without lingering weirdness.

In fact, this came up yesterday with a discussion about possibly moving the couch… It was the second time it had come up as an option and both times She’d brought it up as an idea and asked my feedback I’d offered resistance to the idea. The first time, She was clearly annoyed but she said okay there’s no point in discussing it then… or something. Instead of defending myself or trying to convince her of my reasoning, I just accepted that she was allowed to be annoyed but also noticed she let it go and so I did, too. Yay. Day moved on. Then yesterday it came up again…. And same thing (basically) happened. I STARTED to do the “but here’s all the reasons I’m right” thing and she reminded me that was non-productive… so I stopped. I just was triggered because I could see she was annoyed or whatever. Later on that afternoon, I brought it up and we were able to clarify with each other and it was very healthy stuff.. which I know wouldn’t have happened if I had turned it into an unnecessary battle earlier.

So I feel like there has been some noticeable progress, particularly in the realm of listening and moving on and not turning things into a drama. There were also a few setbacks in recent weeks but I feel like each time it was over quicker and quicker as I’m seeing her point of view earlier and earlier these days.

I still need to pay attention and work on … well, paying attention. In particular, I’m really trying to work harder at enjoying quality interactions with Syr and not letting myself get distracted all the time. It’s a bad habit and I know I miss out on quality when I do that.

For example, I noticed that when I am driving, Syr never plays on her phone. Now, partly that’s because She isn’t comfy doing that and driving. But on the other hand, I noticed that I really enjoy having Her undivided attention when I’m driving. BUT when She drives, I relax and can get distracted or sorta check out… more often than not. And I want to work on not doing that as much. Sometimes, when tired or burnt out, sure….. that makes a bit of sense and if Syr doesn’t seem to mind. But I also want Syr to get MY undivided attention while She’s driving too…. So that is something I’m trying to be more aware of.

I think that ever since she gave me the massage, I’ve been WAY more aware, in general, of when I get her undivided attention vs when she gets mine and realizing this is a weak point and trying to be more aware of it at all times, and not just at particular times and I think that’s really good for both of us.

I think that, possibly, another reason for my mentality shift, is that I am not home day to day to get so lost in the domestic service side of things. Quite the opposite, lately…. Syr is home all the time now (and that will likely be the case for a little while). So I generally have very few household chores/duties. And I suppose in a way that’s made me focus more on the non-tangible service things more than I was before.

This has led me to wonder if I have sometimes used the things I do domestically for service to give me ‘permission’ if you will to slack in other areas. Or maybe, I was just too busy patting myself on the back for the tangible things that I got lazy about the less tangible things. I’m not sure. But I do feel like I’m being way more mindful these days.

And you know… maybe it all just relates back to moving out of a very stressful time with the business and with finally having other things done and decisions made that were dangling. Either way, I’m trying to STAY mindful.

Daddy says...

...that if I have time to play with my makeup, then I have time to write an entry. #Touche.

So anyway...  things have felt much more grounded lately and I feel like we're transitioning pretty smoothly into our new normal.

The new normal I'm referring to has to do with lifestyle changes day to day as a result of some financial changes. So far, so good.

Things feel comfortably low-key, and I feel like we've really found our groove of late.

Last week, She gave me the most wonderful massage. She focused on my upper back and shoulders, then chest but probably spent most of the time on my face and it was wonderful... truly.

One important thing I learned from that experience was how much more intimate something like that feels when the attention is totally on you. I realized what a huge difference it makes to receive that kind of attention without any outside distractions. I often will have the tv on while I give Syr a manicure or what have you. So.... a couple days later, I gave Syr a quick mani, a hand massage, a foot massage, and did a similar massage that she'd done for me after that... with candles and music. It was SO much more intimate and connected than when I'm distracted. Not only did She clearly enjoy it more - but I did too. It's not that Syr hadn't commented on it in the past, it's just that I had never really understood the enormity of the differences. Till then. Lesson learned!!

I will be way more aware of this in the future. Will there be times I still offer services while distracted? Real life. Probably. Will I be FAR more aware, now, that it's not nearly the same quality of service I offer when I'm NOT being distracted and make sure that I offer those services as well? Hell yeah.

Always learning. Always growing.

The heart of my slavery

As my mind wandered today at lunch, I found myself thinking about how I personally define slavery. It was one of those wandering thoughts sort of moments, so it was sort of like being in a 'thought bubble' where words popped into mind..... and the words that came to mind first were...

devotion....

loyalty....

and surrender.

I started thinking about what those things mean to me. Devotion is simple, at least for me. It's either there, or it isn't. And with my Owner, it's there - and plenty of it. 

This morning, while I was listening to the radio, a song came on about doing anything for the one you love. And it occurred to me, in that moment, that for my Owner, I really would. Like really and truly. 

Maybe that seems like a no brainer, but until that moment, the reality of that had never really hit me. But it did this morning. I really would do anything for Her. Anything. Sometimes I have to really WORK at doing things that I need to do to improve for Her. But that devotion I feel right down to my tippy toes? That is the driving force.

Yes, I love my Owner with all my heart. But it's devotion that gives me the drive to never give up, to try harder.... to do more. To put in the effort. Every day.

Loyalty.... I got thinking about this one too.

I may not like confrontation - but I stand by my Owner. And no one better try to mess with Her. Period.

Surrender, ah that's the one that sounds the sweetest, but - in reality - is the absolute hardest.

When I succeed, it's magic. Actual magic. Powerful. Sizzling. Soft. Overwhelming. Complete.

But it isn't easy. It is about more than just softening when Syr presses me against the wall. It's about more than jumping up right away to fetch Her tea when She asks for it.

It's about softening when my instincts (and my difficult past) want me to fight. It's about letting go of control when I want to hold onto it the most. It's about trusting that even when I feel insecure, I can know that I'm safe and held and that She's in the driver's seat and everything will be okay. It's about shutting up when I want to yell and listening when I want to talk. 

So yes... surrender.

Surrender...devotion... loyalty... and of course love - all of these are at the heart of my slavery.

Devotional update

So, I was in the process of writing an entry and discovered a new distraction-free writing utility for my laptop when I accidentally lost the whole entry. Oops.

Anyway - see, I REALLY love distraction-free writing. Full screen. Dark screen. White text. Nothing but me and the words. It helps me feel more focused. It feels more meditative.

Speaking of which, about that entry.

Here's what it boils down to:

I had told myself that I could ONLY do my devotional daily writing by hand - because typing would be cheating.

And then I realized that it was old programming that was telling me that.

Back in the day I was a mega brat. I mean, I still have my moments but my submission is much deeper and pro-active and, well, active in general - than it used to be. And back in my uber-brat days, if a Dominant assigned me a bunch of lines and told me I could type them .. well...

5 minutes of cntrl+v later, my lines would be done. Voila. ;)

Now, back then, the were line-writing apps like FOW (Fond Of Writing - which I think is still around if you look hard enough), and there were sneaky Dom tricks like when Syr first rose to the challenge and had me type out a ton of lines but do stupid things like make every other letter of every word a capital, or different colours or whatever. And even WITH every shortcut I know, it still took FOREVER.

Anyway, the point is - that typing felt like "cheating".

But I started really thinking about the fact that I totally came up with this whole devotional idea in the first place. So why would I cheat? It's not a punishment. It's a meditative/mindfulness tool to help me deepen my submission and work on the issues I know I need to work on. So it serves no benefit to me or anyone else for me to "cheat" or copy/paste.

So, today, I decided to give it a try. Since I type so fast, I decided it was fair to type the Respect mantra 6 times and each action statement 10 times.

And WOW am I glad I tried it.

For starters, it felt WAY more meditative. The rhythm of the typing. The way my fingers could move over the words while I THOUGHT about them (since I don't hand-write much, I was focusing more on the actual act of writing before) and the sound of the keys clicking and the sight of the words neatly lining up on the screen - all of it enhanced the experience and I felt it down deep.

Now that's what I'm talking about!!! :)

It felt good. But, more importantly, it felt effective. And it still amounted to almost 1200 words and took me around 30 minutes - and that time was focused.

So I think I'm pretty happy with that.

Note to self

Sometimes bratting results in your Owner snickering and going about Her day.

But SOMETIMES bratting can result in a lesson delivered....

Such as the one you received today.

While kneeling in the presenting position....

Forehead to the floor.

Her foot on the back of your head.

While She gleefully sprays your entire back down with water from the spray attachment in the kitchen sink.

And leaves you there, forehead down, kneeling in a presentation bow in the middle of a puddle of very cold water asking...

"Who owns you?"

and then... most irritatingly...

"Who loves you?"

And when asked these questions, while you shiver from cold, you will answer (eventually)...

"You do, Syr."

And after all that, once you've gotten up and dried off and changed your clothes, you'll mop the floor with your lesson-water.

And you'll still like it on some level.

Cuz you are a twisted little slavegirl.