Learning from a fight or flight moment

So.... "fight or flight" came up today. I got so angry so fast. :( Haven't had that happen (bodily) for a very long time.

I mean.. righteous indignation/shaky anger.

And you know what, it lasted all of about 15 minutes. At the very most. 

And wanna know what I learned by observing how I felt and how long it (didn't) last and how Syr responded/reacted? TWO things... actually.

FIRST - 

I noticed something almost immediately. Syr didn't try to fix/control/micromanage or understand my anger. She didn't suddenly start asking me why I was acting so pissed off. She didn't try to justify or defend anything She'd said or done. She watched. She waited. She maybe made one or two comments about it (at most) to indicate She was noticing/seeing it. But otherwise She stayed relatively quiet. She chose whatever words She spoke fairly carefully (not in an anxiety-ridden way but in an.. hm. open way). She didn't RE-act. She didn't get angry at me for me being angry. I mean, She didn't seem happy about it... maybe even annoyed or exasperated. But She didn't panic, freak out or get angry AT me.

And you know what I recognize looking back? She was LETTING me have my feelings. Experience them. Even though, they were pretty much directed RIGHT AT HER.

And when I think about this... I think about how when Syr is angry or annoyed or frustrated it is so fucking hard for me to just let Her have Her feelings without jumping into anxiety-filled "fix it" mode where I try to control/micromanage/help/explain away/justify/defend or do anything so she won't have that emotion 'at' (perceived) me.

But Syr didn't see my anger as an attack. Hm. Correction... whether or not She saw it as an attack, She didn't immediately squash it. 

But I do. She seems so... comfortable (for lack of better word) ... with the discomfort of intense emotions ... that is, by comparison to my intense anxiety/discomfort with intense emotions. I see/perceive anger and I'm like 'omg make it go away' and I KNOW deep down in my bones that this is a response to childhood trauma/abuse around 'unpleasant' or difficult emotions. BUT the contrast to how I behave when She's angry vs. how She behaved when I'm angry was... startling.

I've been trying to work on NOT squashing/defending/jumping into fix-it mode the second I see/perceive/notice an unpleasant emotion. It's total damage control mode... it's also totally survival mode... and it's super unhealthy for Her.

So.... SECOND....

After noticing all this stuff about being allowed to have my emotions, I also noticed/identified the trigger. 

It was a dang email from someone who I had a business relationship with and who may be 'coming after me' financially....  someone who hinted I owed them a particular set of behaviors that i know damn well I don't owe them but I got 'triggered' none the less. So, after identifying how intense/out-of-line I was being, I knelt for my Owner to get a little internal headshake and Syr gave me a wonderful foot-head moment to ground..... and afterwards said something that SERIOUSLY hit home....

It wasn't that I got this email from this dude and just had a moment of wanting to shut the guy up by doing what he wanted... it was that I was triggered and jumping like I wanted to rush out and "obey" him.

That word. Obey.

And yes. That's exactly how I had been feeling. EITHER WAY I was not in any way going to act on it. But the ICK factor of that feeling of rushing out to obey someone who doesn't matter when my real life in-the-flesh Owner was sitting next to me in the car? Ooooooh boy.... did that clarify things or what?!

No wonder.

See I have a trigger around authority figures/unhealthy/dysfunctional type trigger where I get to feeling weak and like i should do whatever "they" say when they have some sort of "power-over" me (real or perceived). But I did NOT make the connection to the fact that it's like I'm being submissive to these people who are not my Owner when I react like that.

Ew.

Syr installed my backbone you know. Before this relationship, I really was just barely beginning to learn how to stand up for myself and it wasn't exactly smooth sailing. So much of the early years of our relationship were about Syr teaching me how to be more assertive... how to stand up for myself especially to people trying to "power-over" me. 

But the IMPULSE or... instinct (?) maybe to do this is still there. It still rears its ugly head now and then, especially during times of stress because, and it makes sense.... that was how i got by day to day for so long. OBEDIENCE **WAS** my survival skill. Some people dissassociate. Some rebel. I obeyed. Always. Without question. 

But THAT type of obedience is crazy-dysfunctional, disempowering, super duper unhealthy. **nods** it's just bad juju all around. So when Syr sees me behaving that way.... it's like a big ol' slap in Her "hey I totally earned your obedience you ungrateful little...." face. Yep. 

Duh.

I don't need to obey anyone.... ANYONE... except Syr. No one. NO ONE else is my dominant, my owner, and NO ONE else has earned that kind of blind faith and trust. But Syr has. 

So when Syr says I don't need to do what "so and so" says, I damn well better listen because...

She's right.

And doing anything else is like flipping Her the bird (and not in that fun bratty way but in the holy crap i'm being an oblivious and selfish little slavegirl way).

Control Issues

Soooooo, today some control issues reared their ugly heads. :(

I've been just sorta bouncing around in an almost round-the-clock subspace so I was convinced, I mean CONVINCED that I was coming at this thing from at totally subbie/service mindset... but....

Nope.

Deep down, what was going on was a desperate grab for control - control that I neither want nor need (and that is actually super unhealthy for me to have).

Of course, you'd think I'd be able to figure that out on my own, what with all this personal growth shit I've been doing for the last while...  but...

Nope.

And so, since this ended up looking like shades of many previous (dysfunctional) mad grabs for control on my part, Syr responded to this little act of service (read: grab for control) with all the patience of a gnat (and an angry gnat) because dammit I'm still doing this shit?

Basically.

And since my Owner seemed to go from zero to pissed in a manner of 3.5 seconds, I went from anxious control-freak girl to defensive dysfunctional girl in 4.5 and well you can guess how well that went over.

As in it didn't.

As in I fucked up.

It always comes back to shutting up and listening. Goddamnit. It's not that hard. I mean it is. But it's not that complicated and it SHOULDN'T be that hard. Really it's simple....

Stop. Fucking. Talking.

Listen.

TRUST

Cuz when I don't, it goes down like it did this afternoon. Syr pissed off. Me confused and anxious and not sure what I did wrong (cuz I didn't listen) - and then finally shutting up..... getting a few minutes to think and then my favourite moment ever happens (note: sarcasm)...

Oh shit. She was right.

Every.

Fucking.

Time.

For real. Every time. Every damn time. You'd think by now I'd have figured out that She always has my number. She ALWAYS ALWAYS knows what's going on under the surface even... no..

ESPECIALLY

when I don't understand what's going on.

So, cue me, contrite, red-faced, ashamed, and feeling like an idiot.....  about an hour later....admitting that yes... actually... I was trying to control the situation. I didn't realize it at the time... but that's what I was doing. Yes Syr. Exactly that.

And um, I'm sorry for making You have to tell me that about eight different times, eight different ways while I stared at you like a complete moron going "what are you talking about?!??!" because I wouldn't shut up long enough to listen/understand what you were talking about.

Again.

:(

As. Always. once I shut up, everything made sense. *sigh* So as always it comes back to that.

But I think, sometimes, more importantly even... what it comes down to is remembering and trusting that when you say I'm doing something or exhibiting a particular (usually unhealthy) behavior that you're right. And even if I don't know it now, in about fifteen minutes once I shut the fuck up, I'm going to realize you're right and feel like an idiot and a general fuck-up and maybe I could just save us both the trouble next time?

That's what I'm thinking right now.

These defensive, untrusty moments are totally undeserved and a colossal waste of time.
So.... I have more work to do.

Maybe perhaps part of that work is revisiting my old daily topics, and checking in with my Owner about these..... if they're still relevant, if they need to be updated/changed, and getting them back in the writing rotation, properly.

*Shutting Up
*Fight or Flight
*Listening
*Learning Coping & Behavior Strategies As An Adult
*Responding vs. Controlling a Situation
*Normal Situation / Abnormal Response
*Negating/Defending instead of Admitting/Moving Forward
*Answering Questions Indirectly

I need to check with Syr to see if ALL these are still relevant or if She wants to change/update any of them.

Softening

My Owner was in the kitchen, working on dinner, when I walked up behind her, softly knelt and offered up the soft, supple lavender collar.

She turned around, smiled and buckled it into place, one hand tangling tightly in my hair afterward.

My body softened, as it always does in that hard-to-describe way. And the evening continued.

The evening continued, much as it otherwise would have, for the next several hours.

In that time, we had dinner. I gave Syr a foot rub. We had a miscommunication and I had a learning opportunity when I mishandled the situation. A reminder that often all I need to do to right a wrong in those moments is stop talking - which I eventually did (baby steps!).

In so many ways, like so many other evenings... but that softness. That hard-to-describe receptiveness. It's not about perfection. It's not about night and day differences. It's subtler. Sweeter. Simpler. Real.

I snuggled up to Her and asked if She maybe was up to beating me. It was late. And Syr reminded me of the time I'd wasted with my poor behavior earlier. Contrite, I hide my face against Her chest and apologized for the loss of time.

A kiss on the forehead. Acknowledgement of the lesson learned. Forgiven.

"Go make me a tea." She commanded. I obeyed.

As I waited for the kettle to boil, Syr decided She would go get the needles.

I poured the tea and, as I stood there, waiting for the proper amount of steeping time, I watched Syr's gloved hands moving over the supplies She'd laid out. I whimpered. I hesitated.

Syr had me bring the tea right away, not fully steeped so that it could steep closer to Her and I could have less excuse for stalling. And so I obeyed.

Nervous and whimpery and shaky as She opened the alcohol prep pad, eyes glinting evilly as She swiped it across my nipples.

If exclamation points had a sound, that's the sound I made.

Not one to miss an opportunity, Syr capitalized on my frightened noises and made comments about piercing my nipples, one direction and then another...  I knew She this was likely just fear-play.

But what if it wasn't? I mean. It probably was. But there was always a chance.

And there was this moment, when even though I knew that She was likely just messing with me, that I knew I trusted Her. I'm not sure exactly if that meant that if She decided to pierce my nipples I would let Her or if it meant that I knew down deep in my bones that She wouldn't do anything unsafe or that was too much for me to handle (likely the latter) - but in either case, there was this... further softening.

I'm sure that from Syr's position, that softening was completely undetectable.

I mean, on the outside, I was still wiggly and whimpery and squirmy and nervous.

But on the inside, I was filled with trust and surrender and submission.

I guess that probably won't make any sense when read. But it is still the truth.

Syr settled on the flesh above my nipple. I was all eeky about it. It had been a while since we'd played with needles. The first slid in almost too easily, the familiar pinch/poke when it comes out the other side... that is always the ouchiest point for me. Another followed on the other side. A matching set. Two more near the first ones for a total of four needles.

Each one still scary.

Still... perhaps I wanted more. Perhaps I don't always know what I want, though.

She played with them a little.... and I enjoyed looking at them. She often does needles in my back... but I think I might prefer them in front. I guess it's hard to say.

And then She had me go get Her something to beat me with. Sting was covered by the pokey needles in my breasts, so I went for thud and grabbed the flogger and the Nerf bat. And the stool and a pillow for my knees.....

Floaty from the needles and the tiny little drop of blood on my breast (so innocuous, really, but so potent anyway), I draped myself over the stool.

I had to be still. Because pokey things still in my breasts!

Syr began with the bat and it hurt. A lot. I have mixed feelings about the bat. It's thuddy, I guess. But it's almost kind of slappy. And I don't know. I think I like it. But I think I like it for the deeper feeling of it after. Sometimes I think it stings. Sometimes I don't know what I like. Or what I need. But then - that's what my Owner is for. ;)

And then the flogger.

Syr stood beside me. Behind me. And in front of me. She focused, primarily, on my upper back/back of shoulders.

At one point, She moved beside me, Her left palm pressing me down, hand firm in my middle back... Her right hand swinging the flogger at the sweet spot of my upturned bottom.

Heaven.

She got into a rhythm I could feel through my entire body when She moved back to my back.

The best rhythm was when She stood in front of my head, lifted my hair with one hand to pull my head into the place where Her upper thighs touch to hold it in place, and went at my upper back from above.

Something about the rhythm and intensity started to feel familiar and yet not. Her flogger is short, but Her strokes more confident than maybe ever before. The rhythm felt even and I felt myself sinking. Sinking.

At one point I asked if She would consider moving behind me again... because everything felt so perfect but I was mentally having trouble wrapping my brain around being flogged "upside down"... because, you see, every other time I've been flogged I've been standing, the strokes going from shoulders down.... but because Syr was above my head and swinging down, the strokes felt like they were going up (well they were...) and my brain was not processing the change.

She decided to grant my wish and moved to another angle and I almost immediately regretted asking for a change. Why was I overthinking? Who was in charge. I admitted my error and Syr chuckled and moved back to where She was and I ... got lost.

It all gets blurry around and in-between these moments because... well.. sub space.. I think She used the bat more. I think She flogged my bottom more. I know at some point She pulled the needles out because I remember the sharp intake of breath at their removal... the sting... and the intoxication of seeing the tiny little dots of blood.

I don't remember how or when exactly Syr decided playtime was over.

I do remember curling up between her legs as She sat on the couch and wrapped me up in Her arms and gave me some sips of water.

I do remember holding Her so tight, fingers digging into Her back, that moment of aftercare when what I want is to fuse our two bodies together because close isn't close enough in that moment.

Other than that, the rest of the night is all mushed together into a blob of happy and soft. :)

Feeling

Feeling...

Connected.
Loved.
Safe.
Mindful.
Owned.

Moments

Just a regular morning.

Getting up. Taking the pups for their morning walk. 

Getting my Owner her tea. Serving it on my knees.

In all the craziness of the past year, some of the things I've missed the most are these little moments.

Nightmare

Last night, I woke up at 4:30 or so in the morning, after a horribly vivid nightmare about, well, things I am actually working on (read: know I have been sucky at off and on for a long time).

It was tough.

In the dream (nightmare), Syr and I were sitting on the couch together... and Syr got that look on her face that usually means she's irritated or upset or frustrated or something... and so I asked what was up.

The next thing I remember, she is tearfully reciting a poem she wrote about me, and it wasn't a nice one.

The lines that stood out to me the most, that I remember are the opening line "I can't remember the last time I woke up to the smell of bacon in the morning" and a line in the middle which I can't remember word for word but which basically amounted to the fact that she's found herself with a bad slave and an abusive girl for a wife (or some such). I remember in the dream admitting to my general suckage and we both said the words "not enough" a lot about my efforts or something.

The reality is, that sometimes (a lot of the time), I get very self-focused (tunnel-vision like) and stop seeing the forest for the trees. I get hung up and stuck on small unimportant things which prevent me from seeing the bigger picture.

The message in the nightmare/dream was clear.... remember who I am and why everything about WIITWD is so important to me.

The dream felt like a swift kick in the ass - and a painful one. And so I lay there awake for almost an hour and a half... trying to figure out what I should do. If I should get up and write about it.... at which point I knew I wouldn't get back to sleep and I had work at 9am.... or what? Instead I spiraled. And stewed. About my suckage.

At about 5:30am I realized I needed to do something so I could get back to sleep. So I made a few notes on my phone so I would remember the dream and then I came out to the couch where Syr had moved to (I found out later it was cuz her leg was jumpy) and got some reassuring sleepy snuggles.

After that, I got back to sleep but the anxiety lingered.

When Syr and I finally had a chance to talk about the dream at lunch, Syr was really loving and reassuring and reminded me that what sets us apart as a couple in many ways is the way we work on stuff - all the time. These are all known issues and things I'm actively working on and yes, there are days I could do better, but she just... reminded me that I am loved and precious and it's okay - and I really needed that.

I'm due to bleed in three days.  Thanks PMS!! Ughs.

In other news... it's my birthday!!! <3

I'm 38. That feels weird to say. 40 will feel weirder, I think. lol

The simplest hardest moments to submit

The simplest... but hardest.... moments to submit, are the ones when it is just day to day stuff and I'm getting a bit mouthy and indignant and then there's that moment when I remember....

Oh. Yeah. I'm owned. This is my Owner I'm talking to. And I have a choice in that moment to do that extra work to step back, to remember, to think about what's happening and either shut the heck up and cool off or re-approach the conversation with about 1000% more respect.

It's so simple, really. But sometimes it's the simple stuff that's the hardest.

And so when I manage it, even if it's not as fast or as perfect as I or She might wish it to be, it's still like ..... "WIN!"

Just a little glimpse into the simplest hardest moments of submission in this, my real life.