Combative Energy

My Owner gave me an assignment for today. I was to meditate, yoga, and meditate some more - and then write about a topic of Her choosing: Combative Energy.

Well it certainly makes sense that She would want me to mediate first.... to get into a more contemplative head-space before tackling a more intense topic.

Usually, when She assigns a topic like this, it's because She wants to see "stream of consciousness" style writing - without a lot of editing or second guessing. Making sure that I'm first in a receptive frame of mind probably opens the door to better or clearer thinking, which may allow for greater insights. Guess we'll see.

I think that, by combative energy, Syr is referring to a particular mindset I get at times - fairly regularly - whenever something is going on that has me feeling at least a little bit intense.

This mindset usually involves a way of communicating I take on that is really negative. It's not mean or necessarily rude, it's more that I tend to communicate entirely in "no's" if that makes sense. I don't actually say "no". I imply a negative frame of mind or a non-supportive or argumentative stance by throwing up objections, asking questions intended to put Her on the defensive.

When I say "intended", that is how the questions are worded. It isn't my conscious intention to put Her on the defensive, but that's exactly what happens.

Example:

Syr: "Do you want to go to the store?"
me: "What for? Why do we need to go to the store?"

A non-combative energy response might look like this instead:

Syr: "Do you want to go to the store?"
me: "I'm not really feeling up to going out. If we need something, though, I'm up for making a quick trip." (or something like that).

I don't know. To me that second one still sounds a little combative. I think that's because anytime the answer to a question is truthfully "no", I don't really know how to handle that. As in, I don't know how to say no without feeling intense about it. I think that's a big part of where the intensity comes in. Because I'm uncomfortable providing a no-type answer, I feel uncomfortable about anything I'm saying, so I try to avoid saying no by challenging the question, rather than just being honest. This seems to stem from an issue I have (in general) with being blunt with my opinion if I think the other person wants to hear something different.

Syr is incredibly reasonable. She rarely gets annoyed or frustrated if I don't want to do something She wants to do. She likes the things we do to be mutually agreed upon when it comes to day to day type things. Obviously, as my Owner, there are things She will ask me to do that I don't really get a say in, but even then if there is a legitimate reason why I need to delay or can't do what I'm asked, She will always listen and make the decision best for me in the long run.

So, why am I so uncomfortable just saying words like "no" - unless I am being over-the-top playful/obviously bratty etc? That's an interesting question.

It obviously stems from not ever feeling like I was allowed to as a young person (long family history stuff there). That's the logical conclusion.

So, what do I do about it? This comes down to a situation where I am once again throwing eggshells at my own feet. The reality is, if Syr were to say "Do you want to go to the store?" and I were to say (politely) "No." and not say another word, She'd probably inquire as to why. I don't think She'd be annoyed with me. Where annoyance (and combative energy) seems to come into play is when I say "No, I mean I've had a long day and you know work was tough, and I'm still sick and I'd really rather stay home and and and and..."

Because, then it puts Her on the defensive. If I simply say no, She would surely follow up to ask why or if I'm feeling okay or whatever afterward - right?  Funny, even writing this down I don't feel confident. LOL No is just hard for me. So I seem to say everything else BUT, and that comes across so much worse. Because as SOON as I do that, Syr will get frustrated and then I'll panic that I've done something wrong and get defensive and it all goes downhill from there.

She does blunt all the time with me and it works just fine. Sometimes I get a little huffy about it, but it is usually just a tiny little blip and we move on and either discuss it further or we drop it and do something else.

Combative energy doesn't only rear its ugly head when I want to say effectively "no" to something, though. That's just one example.

Other times/ways it comes out is if I am feeling angsty in general. Sometimes this is because I have a particular expectation about something - like I got myself fixated on a particular activity, or goal for the day/evening and something Syr has said has indicated that She's taking us in a different direction, so I'll get generally combative and (not entirely consciously) throw up objections or ask the objection-ish questions like in my examples above.....

I've written about this in the past because it's that whole letting go of control thing. If I've gotten an expectation about something, or become fixated on how my day is going to play out - I'll get combative when She takes over (hello! that's Her job!) and steers us in a different direction. It's rarely, if ever, because I don't like the direction She's taking us in - it's usually because it's Her steering now instead of me, and I don't shift gears very well.

Last night is a good example. I didn't realize it at the time, but I'd gotten fixated on how the evening was going to play out. I didn't realize HOW fixated until way later when I got some distance from my bout of combative behaviour. Syr was feeling very sleepy and was steering the evening in a different direction - which is Her right and privilege as my Owner.....  and I was struggling with shifting. I unintentionally made some remarks that showed that deep down I was trying to "get us back on track". She called me on it and I denied it. I really didn't think that's what I'd been doing! But after the subject was dropped and everything was going well, I realized I was grumpy in general because my evening wasn't going how I'd planned and that's when I realized She'd been right all along.

In the end, though, we ended up snuggling together in bed and watching a show that was interesting and funny. I really enjoyed the quiet time with Her. Letting Her steer the remainder of the evening didn't hurt. It was pretty pleasurable. I just had to let go of that need to control.

It's so difficult to explain how all the things that Syr does to try to boost my confidence and make me a stronger person are so effective BECAUSE I am able to give up control. When I am grappling for control - that part of me that wants me to grapple that is - I am at my unhealthiest. When I release and let go, surrender and submit, I transform into the me I want to be. I become confident in healthy ways in the areas of my life where I want to be confident and self-possessed.  I am more self-aware and feel healthy and handle my emotions much better. When I grasp for control (whether I get it or not), I am not in a good place. Combative energy - that type of behaviour is a warning sign that I'm behaving in an unhealthy way.... because all the combative energy comes from a sudden 'urge' to be in control. And those urges don't spring from a healthy place in me. They come from a long history of abuse that I am working very hard to overcome.

And so, I've learned some things - as is usually the case when Syr gives me something to write (and think) about. :)

Thank You, Syr!

Charmed

The Guesthouse

 

This being human is a guesthouse
Every morning a new arrival
A joy, a depression, a meanness
Some momentary awareness
Comes as an unexpected visitor

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture
Still treat each guest honorably
He may be cleaning you out
For some new delight!

The dark thought, the shame, the malice
Meet them at the door laughing
And invite them in
Be grateful for whoever comes
Because each has been sent
As a guide from the beyond

by Rumi

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

I feel as though I have been adrift in a sea of uncontrollable circumstances, lately. I have met worry and sadness, disappointment and hurt, and faced a variety of tumultuous events one after the other in the last few weeks.

 

Through it all, I have remained anchored in the simple sweetness and security of my place in my Owner's life and at Her feet.

 

During the most troubling times, I have found solace in the feel of a stinging slap, the carpet imprints on my knees, the textured fabric of Her collar around my neck, and the weight of the cuff and chain at my ankle when I sleep.

 

I have faced heartbreak and fears of abandonment by loved ones who do not have space in their lives for me, but also the comfort and joy of a strong family at home. Our little family - so secure and loving, trustworthy and communicative - is my home base, and my anchor.

 

There have not been only unpleasant things of late. There has also been love - so much of it, and connection, unity and celebration for all that we have - which is all that we need. Whatever losses, dissapointments, and hurts I have experienced are small when compared to this Big Love that I am so blessed with.

 

I dedicate this post to the purity and power of love, devotion, faith, honour, and the One in my life - my beloved Owner - whose presence reminds me every day that I lead a charmed life, indeed.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Two Forms, One Soul

Happy is the moment, when we sit together,
With two forms, two faces, yet one soul,
you and I.

The flowers will bloom forever,
The birds will sing their eternal song,
The moment we enter the garden,
you and I.

The stars of heaven will come out to watch us,
And we will show them
the light of a full moon –
you and I.

No more thought of "you" and "I."
Just the bliss of union –
Joyous, alive, free of care, you and I.

All the bright-winged birds of heaven
Will swoop down to drink of our sweet water –
The tears of our laughter, you and I.

What a miracle of fate, us sitting here.
Even at the opposite ends of the earth
We would still be together, you and I.

We have one form in this world,
another in the next.

To us belongs an eternal heaven,
the endless delight of you and I.

by Rumi

 

 

 

Re-balancing

Life has been... nuts ... lately.

 

I haven't gone anywhere.

 

My Owner and I are still doing good... great even. Some new things have fallen into place lately. Syr has a day job again (after a three year hunt!) and it's an AMAZING job... so perfect for Her in every way.

 

Her other job was starting to just zap all of Her energy, and time.... and we were certainly falling into a bit of a rut. There were other circumstances too - some dental stuff Syr was dealing with, and stresses I've been dealing with as well at work and healing stuff from my past.

 

It's all coming together and things are feeling like they're headed in a super healthy and amazing direction.

 

I'm looking forward to going away with Syr in a couple weeks. We're spending a few nights away at a resort to unwind and recharge - and reconnect. Three nights of privacy.... and not a lot planned.... there's some potential for interesting things to post about later, I'd say.

Rode hard, put away wet

"Rode hard, put away wet" - I really love that saying. It just sounds dirty in all the wonderful, wonderful ways that something can.

This is exactly what I feel like this weekend, too. And it was completely unexpected!

Both my Owner and I have been a not-so-fun combination of sick and hormonal for what feels like several weeks! We weren't completely over all our stuff but we were certainly on the mend. But, rest assured, I had NO expectations for some hot, sweaty sex anytime soon....

And then Saturday happened.

Oh, Saturday....

We had this unexpected stretch of complete and total privacy at home. Not the kind of privacy that you don't know how long it's going to last but some pretty solid privacy. Still, I didn't think we were (either of us) in the mood for anything naughty.

I had no intentions of enticing or seducing my Owner (honest! no... seriously! I wasn't even in the mood), but there was something kind of fun about knowing I could safely be naked just for the heck of it. Syr and I were planning to head off to run a couple of errands and I was just hanging out upstairs, buck naked, when Syr came up to get changed.

There was no immediate pouncing but there was a wee bit of snuggling while She just enjoyed me being naked. There may have been a wee bit of bratting, and perhaps a challenge, which then turned into a playful spanking...

Which then turned into a far more serious spanking. My Owner's bare hands on my bare bottom is my absolute favourite kind of spanking. No worries about the sounds of the stinging slaps so we both got quite involved in it. Before long, She was balling up Her hands into fists and punching the fleshy parts of my ass which just ... really gets me going. It creates this deep, thuddy sensation which wakes EVERYTHING up...

So THEN... i was in the mood. And, apparently, so was She.

Before I knew what was happening, my Owner had slipped on Her cock, and some lube, and Her finger was sliding into my ass.

This is still a relatively new area of exploration for us, but one thing is certain. Ass play of any kind makes me feel insanely vulnerable and ridiculously little... and that is an effect that my Owner absolutely... positively LOVES. She enjoyed every whimper She could pull out of me with Her finger moving inside me in this way. I was trembling with vulnerability and the intensity of what I was feeling. It was luscious and frightening in all the best ways.

Still, I was almost grateful when She replaced Her finger with the plug, seating it firmly in my ass. But then, She pulled me up onto my knees, and drove Her cock into me from behind.

And I felt so full and taken, every sensation was magnified ten fold. And the best part, was there was no one else home. I didn't have to keep too quiet. I am naturally noisy, so being able to really let loose vocally just made everything seem even more intense. She fucked me like this, the plug deep in my ass, while I was on all fours... and then She flipped me on my back and fucked me from the angle that allows Her to climax as well.

She used me, hard, and I felt so taken and owned and it was all so overwhelmingly delicious!

We managed to still get out for our errands, but it was less than eight hours later, when She went for round two! A repeat of earlier that afternoon, though ultimately much gentler, since I was sore and tender. And afterward, all I remember, was falling into the deepest oblivion of sleep.

Oh yes.... I was definitely rode hard.... and put away wet. And it was... FANTASTIC!

Out of control

You know, the hardest moments to stay grounded in the reality that I am owned and not in control, are the moments that I most desperately want to "feel" (note: not actually "be") in control.

 

Several times a year, at approximately the same time, I become very.... volatile. This seems to happen around the major holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas.... and my birthday. Since the latter is just around the corner, and I happen to also be extremely hormonal, AND recently emotionally triggered, you can just imagine that I am a whole lotta fun right now. Oh my poor Owner.

 

See, when I feel out of sorts or out of control of my own mind and/or emotions - I seem to grasp for control anywhere I (think I) can get it. This means that I don't want to agree with anyone, for any reason - most especially the One who has all the Control... because I want to be the one in control (except I don't really). Is this confusing to you? Yeah, it's confusing to me too.

 

So far, I have succeeded in not picking a fight, which is pretty impressive since what I really want to do is let all those whirling emotions out somehow and picking a fight has tended to be the salve of choice to my wounded psyche in times like these. It's not a healthy outlet for either of us and I certainly don't do it intentionally but it makes a twisted sort of sense that when I'm fighting against feelings around not being in control that the One in Control would be the target of all that emotion.... so it was a status quo sorta thing that used to happen. And, to my Owner's credit, She has always had the insight and patience to recognize where this behaviour was coming from - and was able to help me come to grips with it after (and sometimes during) these episodes - which I suppose is a large part why it's easier for me to recognize and be aware of it now.

 

And so, as I mentioned, I've managed to avoid doing that, mostly by being self-aware enough to recognize my headspace and smart enough to shut up when things seem to start heading in the wrong direction.

 

What I haven't learned how to do, though, is to completely avoid being snippy and combative. Sometimes, this has seemed to amuse Her, and sometimes, annoy Her, but my ability to back off and check myself - even while avoiding backing *down* entirely, has helped to avert disaster. But it leaves me feeling ungrounded and unsettled.

 

What I feel like I want and need is someone to fight with - and lash out at, but not be hurt, so I can let out all the random emotion that's flying around inside of me. I think I feel so safe with Syr, that I tend to want that to be Her. Enter an intense craving for a take-down - a hard ass scene where I fight with everything I have and She overpowers me (physically or psychologically), and puts me in my place, and yanks the tears out of me.

 

The interesting thing is, that as much as I crave it, I also fear it.

So where does that leave me?

The little things...

I find myself noticing, and appreciating small moments between my Owner and I that are interspersed throughout our day. Amid the chaos of running our household and dashing here and there on errands or upkeep of the yard or finances, there are constant reminders of our dynamic, of the interplay of energy between us. In these moments, I often marvel at how something that might seem so innocuous to an outsider, but have enormous significance between us. Like... ~ when we're out shopping and I get a little too bratty or sassy, and She puts Her hand on the back of my neck and gives it a firm, but authoritative squeeze, reminding me of my place. It usually settles me down relatively quickly, and it certainly is powerful. ~ when we're in the car, and She wraps Her hand in the back of my hair and gives it a firm pull, just because. When She does this, it grounds me, settles my energy, and roots me to the earth - and to Her. ~ the way She tucks me into bed at night, not only the obvious moment when She fastens my sleeping collar on my neck, but the caring way she plants light kisses on my forehead right before lights go out. ~ how I always check in with Her after every decision that I have had to make that I normally would have gotten Her approval on - but couldn't for a number of circumstances. This always feels like a bit of a confessional, not of wrong-doing but of admitting that I had to make some decisions and wanted Her approval on what I've done. It's not the telling that is so powerful to me, it is my awareness that I am prepared to hear that I have behaved inappropriately - if that's the case. ~ the eager way that I get excited to share my accomplishments with Her in a "Look what i did, Daddy!" manner. She's always so genuinely proud of me when I do something that She knows is difficult for me, or when I've met a milestone or goal. This genuine pleasure in my success is what makes me feel so eager to please Her in this way. She encourages me, always, to be the strongest, best, me I can be. ~ the way She keeps an eye on me, protectively. She never stifles me in any way, but She is always aware of me and where I am - whether we're in a mall or getting ready to cross the street. To some, this might seem condescending, but I know that She is perfectly aware that I'm capable - and so Her attentiveness makes me feel safe and valued... treasured. Whether She's pointing out an obstacle on the road when I'm driving, placing Her hand in the small of my back when we're in a crowded place (aware of my claustrophobia in crowds), or automatically taking my hand when we cross the street. There are a thousand moments like these peppered throughout the time we spend together. Even when time-shortages or other circumstances prevent us from having as much 'hardcore' D/s time as we might wish, there is never a loss of connection between us, never a moment when I don't feel safe, owned, and loved. When I stop and think about it, these moments are the real 'cement' of our dynamic - and not the times when I am in my formal collar and leash, kneeling at Her feet (no matter how lovely those moments are).

Sleepy Sunday with my Owner

Well.... Sunday was a sleepy, zoney, day. It was warm outside - beautiful actually. Syr had to work from 9:30am to 2:30pm so we were up relatively early (all things considered), and I took Her to work.

 

Once She was at work, I puttered at home a bit, played on my computer, and spent a couple of hours feeling very naughty watching dirty things online... which... made me feel very... VERY naughty. ;)

 

When I picked Her up, the naughty was all over my face so She guessed what I'd been up to VERY quickly (that always amazes me!) but She had a pulled muscle in Her shoulder so I knew She was out of commission (pout).

 

Still, I gave her a long back massage and then we both fell asleep for a nap. It was wone of those warm afternoons that just makes one want to snuggle and rest.

 

After our nap, though, Syr took me to the bathroom and showered me head to toe. I hadn't washed my hair since Thursday morning because I was trying to keep my tattoos fairly dry (they were getting gently washed and salved up about 2x a day to keep them clean but didn't want them too wet) and my Owner always says it's good to let one's hair get good and oily once in a while. The shower was wonderful. It's one of my very very favourite things to do with Her. The way She washes and conditions my hair and washes me all over makes me feel like such a spoiled little slavegirl - I can hardly express how submissive it makes me feel... in that treasured kind of way *happy sigh*.

 

After showertime, we went downstairs to cook up some quick dinner (and Syr did some needed gardening work). We had dinner and then for Sunday adventure went to Dairy Queen for treats.

 

Once back home, we puttered a bit more, and then headed to bed. I knew my Owner was hurting in Her shoulder so knew I wasn't getting any, but She'd said maybe I could put on a show for Her - so I'd planned to do that, but then we were all kissing and I was all wiggly and stuff and She put my hand to Her jeans and I discovered She was packing!!! So that was a squee-moment and we ended up having an AMAZINGLY hot romp, in spite of Her shoulder, and I slept soundly (as a very contented and satiated slave should!)

 

It was a luxurious and indulgent kind of Sunday. *purrr*

Pain, and feeling so grateful

My Owner gifted me with three new tattoos this week. They were personally significant to me for a number of reasons. And while the money that paid for them may have largely come from my paycheck, and while they are not marks of slavery or submission to Her, and while they have nothing to do with Her - they still feel like gifts from Her.

It's so confusing to try to explain this, but the energy of our dynamic runs deep and isn't based on the superficial. It doesn't matter who made the money - it still feels like She is in charge of it, in spite of (or maybe because of) the fact that She never abuses the power that She wields in our dynamic and in our marriage.

Today, looking at the new marks on my body - that I love so dearly, I feel grateful... for these new gifts.... and grateful for the gift of submission that transcends assumption, stereotype, and expectation to reach a place of sweet authenticity.

I'm exactly who my Owner wants

More and more every day, I realize that I am exactly the girl my Owner wants.

It's interesting, to look at my life in this lifestyle... to look at me, in my role as a slave, a submissive, a little girl as compared to every fantasy I ever had and what those roles "looked" like to me in my head - or even from whatever I could see from within the kinky community.

The more and more authentic our D/s is, the less it looks like pop culture, like the stereotype and the more it looks like, well, us.  

It used to really bother me, like REALLY bother me, that other BDSM-ish couples might perceive me as being disobedient, bratty, out of control, and that they might look at my Owner as if She is a poor Dominant for 'letting me get away with it'. In fact, it used to give me incredible anxiety. 

But the thing is, when She wants me to behave... She puts that expectation out there, and i behave. When She wants to ALLOW me to be bratty or playful - She does. If She wants to indulge me... She does. If She wants to put me in my place... She does.

The point is that it's always up to Her what behaviour She will encourage or discourage at any given time. And I really don't care, any more, how others perceive us - because She doesn't. She isn't worried about anyone else's approval for our D/s and neither am I. 

The only one I need to please is Her. And I do. 

And that's what matters.

3 Sentences

Have I mentioned, here, that my Owner has taken over the finances in the household? I still do the administrative/management type stuff which happens to be something I do well at and enjoy the service side of - but She makes all the spending decisions. I am amazed at how good this feels and how relaxed I am about money (by comparison) as a result -- grateful.

3 Sentences

Today began with a terrible nightmare that my Owner was through with BDSM with me and was going to join up with a local club to pick out my replacement from among the current older member's adult daughters - sooooo I woke up crying. :( Syr was very reassuring (and sympathetic) and took me to breakfast at our favourite greasy spoon, which was an especially nice treat as we hadn't been in a while. We ended up having some really good "us" time which felt good and the dream was only that.

3 Sentences

I'm having a bit of a rough day. In general, the day has been okay but I tweaked my lower back bowling yesterday and it made me a bit cranky - especially so in the grocery store with Daddy earlier this evening. Thankfully, She reigned me in very quickly and all ended well.

3 Sentences

Today was not the best day ever in some regards (was very sick last night, and so a little under the weather today - and my Owner and I got in an argument that, while short, sucked) but was good in others. The good parts were getting some alone time with my Owner to go shopping and get a coffee - and the way we are able to work things out when we do argue. Knowing that She loves me, no matter what, is really wonderful - particularly on days that aren't perfect from sun up to sun down.

Private time with my Owner

Today was positively blissful. We were blessed with some unexpected alone time for almost the entire day. We don't often get opportunities like this, particularly when both of us are home and Syr doesn't have to work a weird work shift right in the middle of the day. In fact, Her shift was early this morning so She was done working by around 1pm.

When we got home, I got to work colouring eggs. I had a blast! I had some hollowed out eggs and some hard boiled eggs and made them all prettiful. It was a great deal of fun.

And then we had the house to ourselves by 3pm (ish)

To say we made the most of our time together would be a wild understatement.

First things first - my Owner took me upstairs and promptly gave me a long, luxurious, and intense spanking and paddling. She started with a cane, lightly, and then warmed me up a bit with Her hands... and then moved on to the big paddle. I always seem to lose all sense of time but it felt long and I had the freedom to be noisy - which is a rare treat. She turned the paddle sideways using it for a heavy, thuddy sensation that has left me feeling wonderfully bruised. It was fantastic. It has been a long while since my last Good Girl spanking and I was in heaven. She counted me down to orgasm several times during - and afterward pulled me into Her arms and we fell asleep in the filtered sunlight for about an hour.

After our nap, we went out to dinner at our favourite Pho place, and then back home. Within an hour of getting back home, Syr took me upstairs and fucked me absolutely silly. We had a nice shower together and then went out for dessert and coffee...

Do days get any better than this?

3 Sentences

I had a pretty good day today, even got some time in the sunshine. After work, Daddy and I went to a plant store and picked up some carnivorous plants (a venus flytrap & a butterwort) as well as some other garden goodies (strawberry plants!) and She even bought me a pretty windchime to hang over the little pond next to our patio. Now I'm just snuggling with a blanket while Daddy just has some "Daddy time".

3 Sentences

Being a good girl - is definitely all it's cracked up to be. There's something special about that type of smile Daddy gets when I'm being genuinely good and pleasing Her. It makes me feel like I am showing Her a little bit of the gift She gives me by treating me so well.... <3

3 Sentences

Had a miscommunication with my Owner tonight that could have turned into a fight but didn't. It just goes to show that staying calm and explaining one's self respectfully goes a long way. Going to bed, peaceful.

3 Sentences

My Owner took me upstairs, after work, and fucked me silly. There's something extra naughty and exciting about "daylight" sex, at different times of the day than one usually associates with a romp in the bedroom... ya know? Needless to say, in a relatively short (read: intense) bit of time, She managed to transform a stressful workday into a positively BLISSFUL evening... *happy sigh*

3 Sentences

Today was actually a pretty good day. I got a lot done at work in spite of a completely insane workload right now and Syr met me at work afterward and we got some shopping done. We made some changes to some of the ways we handle money which puts Syr in charge of a lot more of our spending decisions in a more official way and I'm really LOVING how that feels.

3 Sentences

Today, Daddy took me to the store and bought me TEN new Webkinz and TWO new Mazin' Hamsters (part of the Webkinz family) because there was a gigantic sale. Before that, I had been feeling grumpy and unsettled and was trying to figure out how to get my head on straight. These two facts are technically unrelated because Daddy didn't take me to the store because of the mood I was in - however, the end result was that being taken out for such a special treat helped me remember all the wonderful things about my life.

Obedience

So, let me get this straight.

She directs.

I obey.

Got it.

It's all easier said than done, of course, but I'm making big strides, and I feel pretty good about that. Everything I'd ever believed about 24/7 has been at least a little further from the reality than I could have expected - but the rewards of the reality are way way beyond my wildest imaginings.

It's easy to obey when we're all alone and I'm on my knees, Her collar locked around my neck and the handle of the leash attached to it, looped lazily over Her wrist.

But obeying when I'm standing in the kitchen, grumpy and tired from a long day at work when I stepped a little bit out of line with something I said and She's trying to stop a little bit of crankiness from turning into a full blown fight... well that's a different thing.

It used to feel almost impossible, and I rarely succeeded. But, lately, while it's hard - I know it can be done and I succeed more often than not. I may not succeed as much or as quickly as I would like, but it's still progress and I'm proud of it.

I'm learning (not just giving lip service to) some basic truths which are REALLY helping me in this effort...

1. She's in charge for a reason - because I trust Her - so when She orders me to drop a subject, or stop talking, or whatever, I trust that She will always, ALWAYS allow me to come back to it later - with a clear head and a respectful tone - if it is truly important to me (and She always has).

2. She has the right to speak to me more aggressively than I am allowed to speak to Her. She has the right to speak curtly, abruptly, or to speak to me in a tone that is not entirely to my liking. This does not somehow mean it is "fair" for me to do the same to Her, nor does it mean that She has been at all UNFAIR in choosing to use these forms of communication when they are necessary.

3. The reason She has this right is because I gave it to Her when I agreed to surrender to Her as Her slave. I gave Her that power because I believe She will never use it unless it is to my greater good. And I've never felt as if She's abused the Power she wields - ever. She's always been very cautious to act only for my greater good - sometimes to the detriment of Her own personal comfort. I believe in Her.

4. Life is GOOD when I obey. Not because I am 'under Her thumb' but because obeying Her means I am acting in ways that are most in harmony with my authentic self, without letting old negative programming have too much power. When I obey Her, things aren't always easy - but things certainly are harmonious. We don't argue over anything important, anyway, with rare exception - so that's not the kind of harmony I mean. I mean the kind of harmony when I know that I am being held accountable by Her and by myself to behave my best. This means that I feel better about myself, am more relaxed.... happier.

Growth is good.

3 Sentences

Today, there was an exercise in listening, and trust. It was a little thing, a change in one small aspect of how we handle the money, but I just remained open in the moment - and it all was resolved so beautifully. It is this sort of sublime surrender that makes me feel so sure of this world and my place in it.

3 Sentences

I'm absolutely thrilled to be a redhead again. I can't believe how much I missed it. Syr really wanted to see me in my natural hair color but she gave me permission to go back to red and did it for me last night - so happy!

3 Sentences

My emotions are really near the surface today. All day I've found that I get very sensitive over lots of things, way easier than normal, and tears - right there. I've managed my emotions well, considering, and am proud of that - but ready for things to normalize, now.

3 Sentences

(The 3 Sentences exercise hasn't been abandoned completely, but most days I do daily writing of a much longer variety for my Owner's eyes only - which has been really good for me.)

I triumphed over hormones and a crappy day and remained obedient and mindful. It feels really really good to be such a good girl for my Owner. I have been rewarded with a very happy Owner (and the priveledge of a couple glasses of wine this evening). :)

Earning Her collar... again

My Owner and I recently went through a challenging few days. It was instigated by a backslide in my behaviour. I am often a rather bratty slavegirl at the best of times and when life dictates that we act fairly vanilla due to lack of privacy, I had gotten in the habit of being especially careless and especially unaware of my behaviour as it pertains to our dynamic. This escalated Monday of this past week when both Syr and I were sick, pretty sick actually, and so we were both out of sorts and not ourselves. I ended up picking a fight over something ridiculous when Syr was really really really not feeling well. She gave me every opportunity to be more aware, She communicated Her limits and boundaries very clearly but I just motored on through anyway. The result was swift action on Her part and an announcement that I needed to do some serious thinking about Her collar and the D/s between us and what it meant - and that it applies all the time and not only when it's convenient. Essentially, I had lost the privilege of Her collar for the time being.

This, obviously, threw me into a bit of a tailspin, but what was really amazing was that I did not actually panic for very long. Sure, I panicked, I wallowed, I stayed in bed way, way too long the following morning feeling depressed and sorry for myself.

But, what happened shortly after I got out of bed surprised us both. I started to relax.. and the sensations in my mind, heart, and body was suddenly not fear - but trust! I realized that my job in this process was to learn - not to fret about the future, that was my Owner's job. And so, without Her collar, for the time being, I set to my task. I wrote a great deal during that time, pretty private and intense stuff. I wrote what I was feeling and thinking and what I realized about my recent behaviour and as I wrote, new awarenesses rose to the surface. I realized that I had been compartmentalizing my behaviour - isolating the good from the bad, convinced that when I was good - that was good, and when I was not good, that was not good, but never looking at my behaviour as a whole. I realized I also had done that with my Owner. When She was doing obvious things to assert Her ownership, She was being dominant, but when She wasn't, She was still my Owner but I didn't perceive or treat Her EXACTLY like my Owner... if that makes sense.

And shortly after THAT, I realized something else that I never expected. Even though I was without Her collar, the D/s seemed to still be there. I realized that formalities completely stripped away, what remained was that She still seemed to be in charge and I still seemed to be obeying and eager to please Her. Every thing that She said or did was geared towards guiding or teaching me, with love - and everything I did seemed to be about being a good girl (in the healthy sort of ways). Even the way that She had gone about removing the collar to "teach me a lesson" was a teachery, loving Dominant, thing to do. I realized that collar or no collar - I was still very much owned and She was still very much my Owner.

The important thing to note about our relationship is that it began as a D/s friendship with benefits (overly simplified way of putting it but accurate enough to make my point) and then we fell in love. The D/s and love/romantic-relationship were intertwined from the very beginning. She collared me just a day or two before She went down on one knee to propose to me, engagement ring in hand. And over the course of our relationship and marriage, the D/s has integrated in such a way that it has seeped into even the most innocuous of romantic gestures. She is such a loving and gentle Dominant, always concerned with my greater good. Everything She encourages, pushes, or orders me to do are things that will benefit me - sometimes while inconveniencing Her. Some of these things could feel vanilla, I suppose, but knowing Her as I do, they are the ways that She asserts Her ownership. And I thought of all of this during this break from D/s and realized that this break from D/s was no break at all. I felt uncomfortable without the formalities, the trappings and I was saddened that I had taken so much for granted and hurt my Owner, and I was disappointed that it had taken such a drastic step to wake me up - but within me was a growing confidence.

I'd spent so long trying to live up to my expectations of myself as Her slave that I stopped giving myself credit (and Her credit) for all the ways we make this work in loving and healthy ways every single day. A lot of my bad behaviour was insecurity and fear-driven. Like, some part of me didn't think I deserved to be Hers. And now that I was without the collar I'd never really felt I deserved, I suddenly realized I absolutely deserved it... that I was absolutely Hers - collar or not.

So two days, solid, of thinking and writing about all of this was a big part of the process. I didn't share those writings with Her, because I didn't want to inadvertantly influence or end up subconsciously manipulating Her while I worked through everything (not that She'd let it, but I needed to know that the writing and learning I was doing was genuine and not coming from a place of "telling Her what She wanted to hear"). And then, on the eve of the second day, I told Her - "I still belong to You." It wasn't a question.

She looked at me, and I could see that "happily surprised" look on Her face. She walked right up to me and said - "Are you sure?". And I said "Yep". And She made a crack about how I was very thick headed and that it was amazing I finally got that after five years. The next day, after some more writing and checking in with myself, I decided that I was ready to ask for Her collar back. I did that, that evening, which would have been Wednesday night. I knelt at Her feet and asked for it back. One of the things She asked me before answering me was "Do you finally feel like you have earned it? that you deserve it?" And I nodded quietly and whispered, "Yes, Syr".

And it's the truth.

I slept in Her collar and chain that night for the first time since Sunday and slept very confidently and calmly. A new level of trust had been reached, taking my submission to Her so much deeper than I ever realized it could. Ever since then, being good is easy. Obeying, is easy. Being mindful, is easy. So many things that seemed hard and complicated before now seem natural. I realized that a lot of my push-back and brattiness (not the cute kind of bratty of course) was a form of constant pushing for reminders that She was in charge. I don't need that anymore. Going a couple of days collarless made me so aware of just how often I am reminded every single day - reminders I'd started taking for granted so long ago - that I am owned.

We had a lovely quiet evening on Thursday night and I spent much of it just sitting at Her feet. She allowed me to wear my dress collar, the one that locks on, that night and again last night.

Last night, She had me make a nest of blankets and pillows (and clean laundry that hadn't yet been folded) and I slept on this nest on the floor next to the bed. Having me sleep on the floor is something She'd wanted to do for a while and it was the perfect night for it. I slept down there, one ankle chained to the bed, my dress collar on, and felt so loved and contained and safe. I awoke feeling so very little.

After coffee, my Owner ordered me up to the bathroom with Her, and She pulled me into the shower with Her and She washed me from head to toe. She gently washed and scrubbed my face. She washed my hair, twice, and rinsed every bit of soap off of me Herself. She dried me with the towel and snuggled me in bed after and I felt so divine, so loved, so cared for.

I know that She is proud of how I handled all of this. I know that She was happily surprised just how much I learned and was able to take away from the experience and most of all, I know She is so pleased that I finally feel so much more secure - so much more worthy of Her collar - and of Her in general, and it feels good to be good. It feels good to feel worthy. It feels good to be Owned.

Satisfied

I'm absolutely one hundred percent positive that I have felt this satisfied before, but to be completely frank, i can't remember, exactly, maybe because I'm feeling so damn good right this very moment. ;)

Last night, after writing, I had to take my Owner to work and then begin the torture. I decided to snag Rosie because she is small and would fit in my pajama pocket and could be easily hidden if I was struck by a sudden loss of privacy.

Rosie is a small, fits great in the palm, battery operated vibrator, one of the very few small vibrators that don't suck, but then I have always been a huge fan of Fun Factory products. ;) This particular vibe is great because it doesn't look particularly naughty, has a bunch of fun settings, and has that nice smooth round top so I can just set it in the right spot and leave it.. After all, if I was going to have to masturbate (but not cum) once every thirty minutes for a minute at a time, this seemed the logical choice.

So I did that every thirty minutes for a minute - using my iPod stopwatch app to keep track, and I must say that a minute was too short. It wasn't long enough to get me close enough to be as torturous as I think my Owner had intended. I blamed Rosie's passivity for this and so for the last three or four sessions, I used my fingers instead, trying to focus really hard on trying to get close to cumming.... this was more torturous but the minute was still too short. Maybe two minutes, if I was really focused, or three if I was using Rosie would have been more effective - in the way that my Owner wanted it to be effective, I should say. Though I do give myself major good girl props for trying to torture myself at the level I knew my Owner expected. *pats self on back*

In any case, suffice to say, that after an entire evening of torturing myself, I was REALLY glad to see my Owner when the time came to pick Her up from work. And She seemed to be in a particularly good mood when She got in the car. It was obvious that She was enjoying the hell out of torturing me! Then, I went and admitted that I still had Rosie in my pocket. I'd been in a rush to get out the door to be there on time and didn't want to run back upstairs to hide Rosie away. I don't know why I mentioned it, I guess I thought She'd be amused. I did not expect Her to ask me to pull over, and instruct me to put Rosie back between my legs (thankfully over my clothes), and then had me continue to drive.... to McDonalds.... go through the drive through... order a snack for us to share.... pay... the whole bit.... it was actually pretty difficult. I was so worked up already, and trying to keep a straight face and not let my arousal show on my face as I placed our order... was no small feat.

Thankfully, She allowed me to remove it shortly after leaving McDonalds. ;) But when we got home, I wanted to go straight upstairs (no passing go!) and that, we did.

To my relief, She asked for Ripper and the thigh harness. There's something about that combination that is so incredibly intense. Ripper has so much texture and is the perfect length. Combining the thigh harness which allows my Owner to use more force and pressure and the angle of using Her leg allows Her to get so much deeper made me absolutely crazy!

I was begging before long, it was so intense, and She gave me permission to cum, and then ordered me to cum again and again and again until I didn't think I could again. I grabbed Rosie, wanting so badly to cum clitorally while She was fucking me, but I was having issues... nothing was working the way I wanted... not to mention that I was ridiculously slippery. So after commanding several more internal orgasms from me, my Owner used Her fingers... I was so grateful... and She made me cum so fast and hard... and then She kept going! She has this trick that makes me feel like She has three fingers all on my clit at the same time, stimulating it from different angles... and once She started doing that, with me still overly sensitive from already having had several orgasms, I went crazy... I was almost too sensitive, but She wouldn't let up. She ordered me to cum again and again... and again... i was pleading with Her to stop, that I didn't think i could cum again but every time I was sure my body just could not or would not allow ANOTHER one, She ordered it - and I did it.

I passed out briefly.... but She woke me up.... just long enough to wrap me up, snuggle me close, and hold me until I fell fast asleep.

It's no wonder I woke up in such a fantastic mood!!

Clothed

I am so bloody horny I can barely see straight. Where did that come from?

Oh yeah, it came from last night -- no pun intended.

So I am always frisky but was definitely frisky last night and my Owner was feelin' pretty good, or seemed to be, and so She was putting off all those "i'm gonna have some woman later" sorta signals and so a good portion of my evening was spent in anticipation of some naughty time later that night. We played some video games together and had great conversation and She's all walking around commando, in blue jeans, and a beater, looking all kinds of sexy.... did I mention I have a big thing for hands.... forearms.... biceps.... and shoulders? Arms... really it's arms... top to bottom it's alllll arms. Anyway, there's a look about Her that's so classic when She's wearing that. Not having boxers on underneath Her jeans just makes Her look a little more rustic in a way. Sexy..... knowing that it's only one layer between me and Her. I don't know... it's a thing... and the way She looks walking around in a beater, the way it highlights Her shoulders. Geesh... I just kept looking at Her like a piece of meat all night long. Who knew that it was possible to be this attracted to someone. *happy sigh*

Anyway, bedtime rolls around and I shut off my computer and get ready. We head upstairs together and She announces that She's going to fuck me silly with Goldy, the giant cock. Now, we haven't used Goldy in a while because we're both big fans of Ripper, now... with all its many ridges and bumps. Goldy is smooth... but big.. thick...and heavy and long. Well, I know my eyes got big at that. She teased me a bit more, about that, asking me which cock I wanted. I really don't like having ot pick and admitted as much. I love them both for different reasons and it HAD been a while since I'd felt Goldy but I couldn't really tell which I wanted in that moment... but She decided Goldy, so Goldy it was.

Then She seemed to have some kind of epiphany ... mentioned how it was too bad She hadn't thought to strap up before She got dressed. She watched me carefully for a reaction and I tried to keep my face smooth, not that it worked. No, for me, there is something incredibly hot and incredibly erotic about being absolutely naked, and being fucked by someone who is completely dressed... particularly when "dressed" includes blue jeans. Well, I obviously must have had a visual *perk* on my face because She strapped up and pulled Her jeans back up - and then put on Her leather jacket.

Oh. My. God.

Maybe it's a stereotype, but even if it is - it's one we both enjoy. A hot, sexy butch, my butch, my Daddy, my Owner in blue jeans, a beater, a leather coat, jeans unbuttoned and one of those strong butch hands wrapped around a thick cock..... is there ANYTHING as sexy as that? Well, maybe there is - but not if you're me. ;)

So there She stood, just oozing butch strut, and I couldn't take my eyes off of Her, or off of the cock She was wearing, supported by Her hand wrapped around it. I took it all in, getting weak in the knees, and Her other hand reached out and grabbed my hair, which pretty much finished the job, and my knees buckled, both because they were just DONE and because of the pressure my Owner exerted on the back of my head with that handful of hair....She guided me down, and with a single command, "open", claimed my mouth with that huge cock.

In seconds I was whimpering, clawing at the denim of Her jeans with my hands, and She had me on my back on the bed in short order after that, and before I could think or breathe, She was over me, inside of me, taking me.

Goldy was silky smooth, but so heavy and deep. I luxuriated in it, but I also luxuriated in the feeling of vulnerability. Feeling Her, clothed, layers between us, and feeling (and smelling) Her leather jacket... grabbing it with my hands, clawing at Her... it was incredible. There's something that makes me feel so submissive when I'm in that position, naked while She is fully clothed, but still fucking me. I love grabbing at Her jeans or Her ass as it peeks out, Her jeans getting scooted down lower as She fucks me. It's hot. Really hot.

She fucked me good and well last night and i came so hard. And I swear... it's all I could think about today. Now I'm extra aroused, more so than before, like having a taste of something so sweet, and the way it makes you crave even more.

I admitted this to my Owner this evening, silly me. Now I have to take Her to work for a four hour shift. I've been instructed to play with my clit for one minute, every half-hour, until it is time to pick Her up from work again. If I forget, or miss any, She'll beat me. She knows this means that I am going to be an absolute wreck (already am, but even more so) by the time I pick Her up from work. *tremble*

She hasn't given me these sort of instructions for a while, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I am completely affected by it. I feel very owned, and very, very, very much in need of more of Her.....

Take Down

That was fun. I was playing in the dirt with Daddy. Well not exactly playing. LOL We were doing a bit of prep work in the garden. We have two garden areas where we grow veggies and stuff every year and the weather is just starting to improve enough that we need to take advantage of these breaks in the weather to get things ready to go. This year that involves pulling up some of the old stuff and laying the area with plastic to kill all the old weeds and stuff that are lingering there. It turned out that we only had enough plastic to cover one of the two garden areas. It still felt like we accomplished a whole lot. Daddy has said this year I am going out with Her to work with Her (or at least keep Her company) every time She is working in the garden this year when I am home. I like it a whole lot once I'm out there so I think this is a really good thing. I just tend to err on the side of lazy. LOL But I do very much enjoy being out in the fresh air and stuff, so I think it's a good plan.

Our D/s has been in a bit of a lull lately. It's not felt bad, though, if that makes sense. It's been feeling just fine. I think I feel comfortable and confident enough to know, now, that when we experience these natural lulls it is not a reflection on the relationship or the strength of our D/s connection but rather a natural bit of downtime usually caused by circumstances outside of our control. In this case, the primary cause has been some drama and stress with Daddy's workplace, and the tennis elbow (tendonitis) that She has been dealing with.

But, last night, I was craving being "little" again, and I really wanted to end up little in the biggest, baddest, most intense way humanly possible. I just get those cravings now and then, for something hard... harsh... intense. I was also having a lovely date with Daddy, though and was in a fantastic mood - as was She. I got bratty, in the humorous kind of ways, and was teasing Her, playfully challenging Her. On the car ride home, though, She made it clear She had me all figured out. She knew I was goading Her into a take-down. So, She refused to give it to me. I pouted. I pouted a lot. But, then I got over it (so to speak) and settled down. Once I settled down and let go of my expectations (and had parked the car), She took a big handful of my hair, pulling very tightly, and very quickly reminded me of my place.

I had a few moments of kneeling at my Owner's feet before we went on to other activities for an hour or so, though She allowed me to wear my collar on my wrist (a subtle way of wearing it when we have a bit less privacy). Then I got to cut Her hair, quite short, just the way She knows I love it, and we bathed together. I loved having Her in front of me in the bathtub, leaning back, while I washed Her by hand. There is something so completely sensual about bathing together, about washing Her like that. It put me in a soft and submissive place that I loved.

After the bath, we ended up in the bedroom, talking. And then, after moving my collar from my wrist to my neck, She fucked me. But it wasn't just that She fucked me, it was the WAY that She fucked me. She maintained every bit of control over the entire account from beginning to... end. She brought me to the edge of oblivion again, and again, and again - each time driving me farther until I was teetering on the edge, almost about to fall over... not entirely sure. I was begging, pleading to cum but all she said was "breathe"... "just breathe". Sometimes when She said that, She would back off, slow down, give me some room to actually breathe. But at a certain point, she didn't back off. She wouldn't give me permission to cum, but She also wouldn't slow down. Instead, She sped up, challenging my ability to comply, to obey in spite of the overwhelming sensations taking over my entire body. Finally... finally, she gave me permission to let go.... to let it all go... for Her...

And I did.