"Take what you're given, slave"

My Owner is fucking me, hard and fast when suddenly, She stops for a moment. Pausing, She looks at me and waits for my whimper of need before slowly beginning to move once more. Only now, She deliberately moves in long, slow strokes - teasing me and building anticipation.  I arch up, pressing my hips up, arching, trying to take Her deeper, digging my fingernails into Her ass, begging wordlessly for more.. faster.  And She replies by stopping and issuing a warning. "Take what you're given, slave. Just relax.. breathe.. and take what you're given."  And as She speaks the words my body lets go of held tension and relaxes, melting, surrendering to each stroke, realizing that She is in control, always, and in trusting Her, the sweetest bliss is achieved.


Her reminder to take what I am given is, in these moments, incredibly sexy and intoxicating, but I'd not paused to consider its implications in the rest of our interactions.  As long time readers of my blog will know, I struggle with a tendency to try to "help" by micromanaging or subconsciously manipulating a situation to achieve a desired result.  While i'm happiest while in full surrender, giving myself over to trust, years and years of bad patterns built the impulse to try to control, first.  My Owner is doing a wonderful job helping me in this regard, but sometimes it's frustrating.

Today, Syr mentioned the possibility of a reward for good behaviour. Immediately, I began imagining what a reward might look like in light of the recent punishments. I had visions of good girl spankings and special service related rewards like a night in full collar service despite the possible impracticalities of my fantasy. These visions stuck in my head and lingered there.  And so, later this afternoon when Syr told me what some of Her ideas might be for a reward, I tried to "help".  In the moment, I thought my intention was to let Her know there were other options than those She'd mentioned that would not cost any money.  But, it made my Owner feel, instead, as if I was dismissive of Her ideas in lieu of my own.

I got so upset, because I really thought my motives were good - just trying to help.  But after frustrating Her and I think making Her angry, I had to take some time to think it over (as She had to go to work).  I was really distraught at first trying to figure out what was so 'bad' about having made suggestions.  And then I looked at the whole interaction again, mentally, this time from the position of "impartial observer" (or at least tried to), and instantly spotted the problem.

From this mental observer position, I could clearly identify that I had some little fantasy in my head and so was trying to steer (read: micromanage.... control) Syr toward the fantasy.  I didn't even have a clear idea of what that fantasy was or looked like or the different ideas within the general theme of "D/s reward" and so it was ambiguous, which of course would be frustrating.  I totally get in hindsight why my Owner was frustrated and angry about my behaviour.  In Her shoes I would have felt like I was being given a very narrow window of options to choose that would be "acceptable" and that is NOT my role.  And, in any relationship, is an unnecessary trap to put one's partner in.

And so after thinking all of this through for about thirty minutes, I remembered my Owner's reminders to "take what i am given" in the context described at the beginning of this entry. I realized that I need to work on this in our non-sexual encounters more. How ungrateful of me to try to micromanage a reward that She was considering offering me for when I am a good girl!  It must have felt yucky, indeed, to get such a stingy response from Her little girl.

I feel disappointed in myself for that, now, and wish I had been able to slip into the observer mindset sooner in our interaction as I think I could have then avoided the tension I caused by my short-sightedness.  And now, since my Owner is at work, I am left to stew a bit in my own misbehaviour which never feels very good.  

But the lesson I am taking away from this is to work to integrate a deeper sense of gratitude and "take what I'm given" trust-mentality. When my Owner does something nice for me (whether it be cooking dinner, or helping me with a chore or offering me a reward), I want to be a good little girl and let Her know how grateful I am - not nitpick or catch myself subconsciously manipulating for something different or "better".  As always, awareness is key.