I have a very, very sore bottom today. I broke a rule yesterday, while I was at work, and confessing the breaking of it did not absolve me of a deserved punishment when I got home.
My Owner had me pull my pants and panties down, exposing my bottom, and lay face down on the bed. I've taken to grabbing a nearby pillow for these disciplinary sessions to muffle my cries. She used "the red thing" (which has yet to have a proper name but in its former life was intended to be a plastic japanese-style rug beater). And I begged, pleaded, cried and still the blows came. She stopped when I was sobbing and quite contrite, my bottom burning from the sting of the punishment She'd delivered. After, She held me and reminded me of the reason for my punishment before having me pull my panties and pants back up so that we could go out for the evening.
Words can not describe how different ... and how deeply contained and truly owned I feel knowing that She is willing to discipline me in this way. It's not something either of us really had experience with. I'd been punished before but somehow, those always felt as if I had a measure of control - both with Her and in previous relationships. It always felt like discipline would be within a sort of jointly acceptable "comfort zone" even if unpleasant. But these implements being used of late to discipline me are not comfortable, and more so I find that She doesn't stop simply because I beg for Her too. My attempts to say "wait... just a break for a moment..." or whatever it is I am pleading while She is delivering a punishment fall on deaf ears and there is something so ... powerful about that. There is NOTHING about the experience of being on the receiving end of this discipline that I have any control over whatsoever. I realize that this is exactly how it SHOULD be, but my Owner and I are learning much of this together. I came into the relationship with more kink "experience" but that mostly amounted to past relationships which had few similarities to this one. My relationship with my Owner is many things but it is deeper, more complete, more absolutely connected than any from my past and so things still need figuring as we go along.
The power of this recent journey into corporal punishment was confirmed for me when later that evening, due to lack of sleep and a number of other factors, I got distracted and broke the same rule a second time. In absolute honesty, I was feeling little but I was also very zoney and distracted. We were with company but we were in a situation that required vanilla context. Despite the stingy soreness of my already punished bottom, I didn't pay close enough attention and made the same mistake I had made earlier that day. I will admit that, mostly since this whole punishment thing is new, I really thought that my Owner would overlook it. She is only really recently starting to play with the feeling of actual sadism. In the past, the major driving force behind Her enjoyment of hurting me has come from the effect it is having on me. But, more recently, She has been discovering some of the darker joys to be had in enjoying it because She actually LIKES hurting me. In any case, much of this is new enough that I really didn't think She would punish me in such a harsh physical way twice in the same evening. And, I also really sort of thought that since it was so late at night and so tempting to just tumble right into bed that She would forget or get distracted or just decide She wasn't up for it.
I was wrong. She assured me I would be punished before bed and even though we spent the next hour or two talking about mundane things, when we went upstairs, She had me strip to my bare bottom and lay down in the same place on the bed. I found this surprising, and equally surprising that She did not go a bit 'easier' on my poor, already sore bottom. Amid my tears, I felt a new wave of something - and at the risk of sounding offensive would say it was like a deeper core level of respect. She wasn't going to forget and She wasn't going to be inconsistent. These were hard lines... boundaries She had drawn and She was fully intending to hold them. There is nothing for me to do but surrender, and trust. And that is a really powerful thing.
My bottom is still so sore today, and I am astounded that I can feel such immense gratitude, such overwhelming containment, such purity of submission and even pleasure at the effect of the punishment - and yet be so absolutely terrified of the punishment itself. I have ascertained that this combination means that the punishment is WORKING, but the juxtaposition of my emotions is still so fascinating, which I suppose must be fairly obvious to those who read this blog since I have so repetitively been writing about this topic. ;)
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