Body Hair and Self-Image

Syr tasked me with writing about body hair and self-image.

The truth is that I have a lot of self-image concerns and issues. One area where I am particularly self-conscious is with relation to my body hair.

Sure, there's that part of me that thinks - it's just hair, what's the big deal? And really, I suppose it probably wouldn't be AS big of a deal if I felt like I had a choice in the matter. But, here's where it gets complicated: I don't feel like I have a choice.

I'd LOVE to just be baby butt smooth all over. Luckily, I'm blonde - dark blonde - but still blonde, so it could be worse, I suppose. But while I can successfully (thank goodness!) shave my armpits and my legs to just above the knee without a problem, everything above about an inch above the knee is subject to rashes, breakouts, irritated skin, and a number of other not fun side-effects when I shave.

I suppose I could live with having a trimmed, but hairy pussy, but I'm not a fan of having hairy (almost masculine hairy) upper thighs! It really bothers me. I shave that area and I break out.

I have tried a lot of products to help with this. I've researched what causes breakouts and have had a decent amount of success with products like nair, or for a long time, magic shaving powder. I bought special single-blade bump-free razors and special sensitive skin aftershave balms. Everything works - for a short time. The magic powder worked until I developed a sensitivity to it (was even able to have a very smooth pussy!) The bump-free products also worked for a while until I started breaking out, even with them.

I still have one or two tricks up my sleeve, but these involve getting a close "trim" and not a smooth shave. So it LOOKS ok but can feel somewhat scratchy as to get the 'smooth' feel, I get breakout side effects.

Oops, I've digressed into rant mode about what I "want" and this isn't necessarily the point of the assignment.

my Owner points out regularly that having body hair is normal and that I am not the only one with more hair than preferred in the upper thigh (or elsewhere) areas and has even looked up photos online to show me some examples. I think it concerns Her that I sometimes "feel" abnormal because of this, but I think that, logically, I know better.

As long as my Owner is happy with my appearance and grooming, that is all that matters - but I think a huge part of me really struggles with wishing I could get that smooth, naked, vulnerable feeling of being as hairless as possible....

One point that Syr made recently is that She finds the hair more attractive then all the little bumpies and rashes that I get when I give in to the "to hell with it" impulse and go at that area of my body with a razor. This is good to know.

I feel like I'm writing about this but not really resolving anything. I think I just need to work on trusting that it's ok, not allowing myself to wallow in something that is superficial and doesn't matter at all to my Owner, and not letting it get to me so much.

Manners

Exactly one week ago, my Owner brought to my attention a topic that She wanted me to think about - "proper manners" - when, where, & why.

In working on the Outline for Growth in Service, one thing that presented itself (thanks to my inspiration, O and f) was protocol.

We're not a high protocol couple. Protocols can be tough, unrealistic at times with all of the privacy issues that we have to deal with. But She raised an interesting point - when is it time to assume a more polite set of mannerisms with Her?

This came up because we were bantering back and forth and Syr took that 'tone', the one that means it's time to listen up and when I answered Her question, I said "Yes". She prompted me for a more proper reply but I was sleepy or not paying attention or both. She was fishing for the "Yes Syr" or "Yes Daddy" that would be expected during a slightly higher protocol 'moment' between us and I hadn't caught on.

For us, these moments are not the sort of thing we can plan or schedule ahead of time. They happen when they happen. And Syr counts on me to be attentive enough to not miss them when they do happen.

One thing that I need to work on is being more aware, and attentive to those moments when they occur. Missed opportunities are simply that, and there is a level of service provided when I can sense these mood-shifts and follow Her lead.

Growth in Service: Moment vs. Problem

"Identifying when a moment is just a moment - vs. a 'problem' that needs to be addressed right that moment"

This topic falls under the conflict category - because my Owner and I both agree that this is often the source of a lot of our arguments in the first place.

I spent a great many years learning how to not speak my mind. If someone did or said something that hurt my feelings or made me mad, I learned that saying so was a bad... very bad idea. So bad, in fact, that I would often wonder if i'd even had the right to feel that way in the first place, no matter what the initial 'thing' was that sparked that feeling.

So - fast forward about 5-10 years from that point, and suddenly I don't need to be so concerned about the conseequences of speaking my mind, of sharing my feelings and of standing up for myself. Except, as is so often the case with extremes, the pendulum swung the other direction. Now, instead of staying silent, my impulse was to "stand up for myself" about *everything*.

And that is where I am now. I'm slowly coming back from the most extreme end of the pendulum swing, but I'm nowhere near the center yet. When my feelings or hurt or I'm offended, particularly with someone very very close to me - my impulse is to defend myself so intensely that I am often practically attacking the other person in my fervor to make sure I am allowed to speak up for myself.

This means that even the most momentary (and even potentially fleeting) hurt feeling or annoyance seems like a big deal that must be addressed. This really doesn't leave any room for benefit of the doubt. A grunt or some annoyed body language by my Owner can leave me feeling a little sensitive or wounded and feeling 'wronged' even though the grunt or annoyed body language may have just been a very fleeting bit of normal human grumpiness on the part of my Owner.

So we've quite a few discussions about trying to determine when something really NEEDS to be addressed. I have lots of little grumpy moments that She overlooks, or ignores, not because She didn't notice or because She found those things pleasant - but because She knew I'd had a bad day, or was likely just crabby, or tired, or hungry, or maybe I was just feeling a little off. There is a thought process there, that moment of "okay, that was unpleasant but is it really a big deal and is it really about me?". That moment of thinking about it seems to me to be the more healthy response to a little hurt feeling or annoyance over something seemingly small and out of the blue.

But my pendulum remembers what it was like to stay silent... because I had to. And now my instinct is to NOT do that no matter what. And so, stopping to pause, to think through "how important is this to bring up RIGHT NOW?" is really hard.

My Owner gave me the idea for a simple way to sort of mentally rate what I'm feeling at that moment and I think it simplifies it in a way that is easier to grab hold of, mentally:

Does it need to be brought up at all, or is it something I can let pass (giving benefit of the doubt - maybe just a grumpy moment, etc)

If I really feel like it needs to be brought up/talked about, can I bring it up a little bit later once I've had some time to think about it?

Is it so urgent that I really need to bring it up right now?

The point is that by the time I've thought about it long enough to rate the urgency, I've actually THOUGHT about it, which is the most important part. It sort of quells the knee-jerk defensive/protect myself response that is often overkill.

I have actually tried to begin practicing this and when I have remembered to go through this mental categorizing in the moment, it has worked beautifully. Ironically, each time I have categorized it, the feeling has been in the "not really necessary to bring it up at all" category. I can't describe how GOOD it feels five minutes later when the feeling is gone, nothing needed to be addressed, whatever unpleasant moment I had has passed, and I haven't picked a fight over something that ultimately wasn't that big of a deal.

The benefit isn't just mine. I love my Owner and I trust my Owner, and when I take the time to not jump immediately to "defend" myself, I am showing that trust - and am rewarded by discovering that in the end - there is often not anything that needs to be defended. Just regular human stuff.... and no matter how tough and strong She is, my Owner ... my Daddy... She is also still human. :)

Growth in Service: Uncomfortable Emotions

Processing “negative” emotions
Identifying uncomfortable emotions
Examining the root – why is it so uncomfortable?
What is the fear - what’s the worst that could happen?
What to do with these emotions
Is it necessary to express verbally?
Productive ways to do so
Identifying coping mechanisms / Ways to process productively

"Using the basic idea presented here, identify how negative emotion interferes with communication and causes escalation. Outline three ideas to help prevent or mitigate this - keep the concept of small victories in mind when doing so."

My Owner tasked me to keep this first assignment as simple as possible, but I'm struggling with that a little bit as the ideas presented in the outline seem like big concepts - a lot to chew and swallow in one bite. I had to ask Her for help understanding the assignment and trying to figure out how to approach it. Seeking clarity helped - She wants me to look at this topic as an overview. That helped give me some direction.

This has come up a lot for me in the last few years. I really struggle with the experience of actually feeling a "negative" emotion. If I feel anger, frustration, annoyance, etc toward another person, I am immediately uncomfortable.

I really think that the very fact that I'm experiencing one of these unpleasant emotions causes me to feel anxious, and perhaps even guilty. This often causes the emotion itself to spiral out of control - which is a big contributor to the escalation of a situation where one of these emotions presents itself. I am angry - but then I am also anxious about being angry and now I am angry-anxious and the two play off of each other.

Three ideas to help mitigate this -

1. If I can learn to, in the moment, seperate the anger (or other emotion) from the anxiety I'm having about experiencing that emotion then I can address the anger/frustration/etc which will then mitigate the anxiety. Being able to distinguish which parts of what I'm feeling are actual emotion and which parts of what I'm feeling are fear-based can help me manage it better.

2. Learning to give myself permission to feel - "It's ok to be angry", "It's ok to be frustrated", then hopefully I can mitigate the anxiety altogether and then figure out next steps for how to process the emotion.

3. If I can find a way to not react/respond immediately to what I'm feeling when one of these uncomfortable emotions is involved so that I have TIME to do the things I've mentioned in #'s 1 and 2, then I am setting myself up for success. Whether it's taking a personal time-out before reacting, counting to ten, meditating, breathing, or doing some other action thing that will distract me enough to think through what I'm feeling - this could really help me deal in the moment.

Outline for Growth in Service

Following my discovery of the outline I mentioned in my previous post, my Owner assigned me the task of using it as a jumping off point to create one more personalized to my challenges/goals and our dynamic.

When I sat down to work on it, I found the work easier than I thought it would be. The existing outline gave me lots of good ideas on how to apply it to me and my work - or my relationship and dynamic with my Owner.

I sent it to my Owner for review this afternoon. She'll be starting to work with me on it and will tweak it as necessary as She assigns each 'piece' rather than leaving me to work through it in order on my own. This makes sense to me as that way She can pull out writing topic points that are applicable in a given moment/situation or for reading when She wants to read about them - which I do think will maximize the benefit of the work.

I also think that it's good for me in the sense that I won't have the luxury of being able to 'plan ahead' to what comes next... a positive trust exercise.

So without further ado, here it is:

Conflict

Checklist

Identifying when an 'issue' must be addressed right then.

Allowing for normal human emotion

Grumpy vs. angry, indirect vs. passive aggressive

Aim for at least a 60/40 split with Listening vs. Talking

How “mentally preparing” for next point interferes with listening

Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings

Ask, don’t tell Owner what Her feelings are

Waiting for the answer after asking a question

Not defending/countering

Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice

How not doing these things invalidates Owner’s feelings/emotions

The Reminder: “Who Owns Who?”

The purpose of the reminder, why was it necessary?

Understanding the risk Owner is taking in doing the reminding

Taking a moment to be grateful

Pause and reflect on behaviour – in line with protocol?

“Stop” – Respecting Owner’s boundaries/need for space

Hearing & respecting the first time (always an order)

Ego Removal

Thinking / Understanding

Trust

Seeking reassurance – appropriate time and place

Resolving conflict productively

Assigning blame - why?

“I’m sorry” versus processing / expressing remorse

Trusting Owner to apply correction when required

Post-conflict self-abuse (mental/verbal/physical) = lack of trust

Wallowing/Dwelling

Service and Mindfulness

Can one exist without the other?

Ways to cultivate mindfulness

Identify your intentions

Continual removal of conflicting thoughts

Service to Owner as service to self

Orders

What qualifies as an order

Who judges whether a request is important?

Bargaining

Recognition/Reward – want vs. need

The positive effects of obedience

Being aware of Owner’s needs & desires

Offering vs. Being asked

Identifying, Understanding, & Banishing fear with trust

Practice, Practice, Practice

Avoidance & Anxiety

Identify the block / inner objection

Processing anxiety

What’s driving it

Trusting

Working within self-expectations

Desired level of service vs Minimum level (keeping it realistic)

Trusting Owner to decide what is/is not an acceptable level of service

Identify the pleasure - Service to Owner as service to self

Eye contact

Keeping focus when receiving direction

Maintaining focus when responding

Looking at vs. looking through

Corrections

Hearing the correction

Understanding the correction

Ego removal

Responding and offering gratitude for the Correction

Expressing Gratitude

What the hell for?

Understanding the service your Top provides

You probably need it – even if you disagree.

Spiritual self-work

Neuro-Elasticity vs. Samskaras

The joy of sticking with it

Processing “negative” emotions

Identifying uncomfortable emotions

Examining the root – why is it so uncomfortable?

What is the fear - what’s the worst that could happen?

What to do with these emotions

Is it necessary to express verbally?

Productive ways to do so

Identifying coping mechanisms / Ways to process productively

The discipline of focus

Visualize goal

Removing distraction

Motivating self through reflecting on success

Learning to follow

Being patient

Micro-management

Identifying what the fear is

Remembering to trust

Being flexible and open minded as service

Being comfortable without a plan / Spontaneity

Creating false objections to stay in ‘safe zone’

Letting go and letting Owner be in charge

Indecision

Identifying when struggle for control is the root

Asking for help when needed

Respect

Identifying Milestones

Identifying smaller achievements

Remembering smaller achievements

Rewarding smaller achievements (bidirectionally)

Protocol

All Settings

Mindfulness of Tone / Voice

LISTENING: Learning to unfilter verbal information

Identifying the filter

Acknowledging the obstacle

Listening to precise language

SPEAKING: Learning to unfilter verbal information

Identifying the filter / desire to spin

Acknowledging the obstacle

Speaking precisely

Remaining open to response

Integrating mindfulness

Answering Questions

Giving a straightforward answer

Avoidance and defensiveness

Answering a question with a question

Interactions with others

Vanilla settings

Addressing Owner

Tone used with terms of endearment, use of first name

Walking / Travelling

Food & Beverage

Dining out

Family Leisure time

Public – kinky/private settings

Addressing Owner – Syr, Daddy, my Owner

Expectation removal

Verbalizing desires

Desire vs Need

Accepting answers/responses – with trust

Food & Beverage Service

Playtime

Providing sensual service

Verbalizing headspace/mood

Removal of intensity / impulse to drive a scenario

Providing feedback

How expectation removal allows for full immersion in scene

Aftercare

Topic Outline

Recently, a Daddy/girl couple whom I 'know' online (and whose dynamic I appreciate, respect, and personally identify with as it reminds me of my dynamic with my Owner) posted about a recent new bit of work they were doing together. I'll call them O and f. :)

I really identify a lot with f because I feel we share a similar tendency to be very emotionally and spiritually connected to our power exchange dynamics. It's not just a set of actions, but it is something that empowers us to personal growth - and more intensely connected relationships with our partners.

So, recently, O came up with an outline of writing topics for f to do. What blew me away was how well thought out the list was. It was not just random writing - but clearly topics designed to give f food for thought, and growth. It exuded loving Daddy energy - as he is clearly trying to help guide her.

It is precisely this sort of energy that I hold so dear in my own Daddy. :) So I really was drawn to it. I loved the topics and got myself all shy and worked up but got the nerve to email O and ask if it was ok with both of them if I showed the list of topics to my Owner.

They said yes - yay! ;) Upon showing it to Syr, She asked me to write about how I thought an outline like that one would help me --

The topics list several things I really identify with - such as mindfulness, eye contact, accepting discipline/correction, learning, growing, and trusting.

For me, exploring these topics in depth often is a tremendous tool for growth. Not only do I find them helpful to my dynamic - my service to my Owner, but I find that I often learn things about myself along the way. Writing about topics like those help open me up to new awarenesses about myself whether it be awarenesses about things I want/need to improve upon or awarenesses of where my strengths really are - a confidence booster.

I also know how my Owner responds to my writing when it is on topics that are useful for my personal growth or for improving my ability to trust and serve Her. I know that in a way, even the writing is an act of service that I feel She would enjoy.

My Owner has been employing writing assignments as a tool for our dynamic and my personal growth since we first began talking to one another. It is one of the most natural and profound ways we connect with each other at this level. I don't think anything negative has EVER come about as a result of writing - and so I think it could only be beneficial.