Hard stuff

All of this is just stream of consciousness stuff, just the thoughts/emotions put to paper (er screen) as they bubble to the surface. It’s long, it’s babbly, and it won't always make sense to anyone else:

Today, I was asked to do something really simple. It was the sort of simple thing that is relatively easy to do. It’s the sort of thing that is really important to me to be able to do. But today, when asked, I couldn’t do it. It was a circumstantial thing, and was no fault of my own.

I had to say I couldn’t do it, and I felt really bad, like a disappointment. I felt, emotionally, as if I should surpass all circumstances to be able to do this when asked. I felt like maybe I was wrong for not just doing it anyway.

Common sense says that not doing it was completely reasonable given the circumstances. She had asked me to address Her properly (call Her Syr), but I was at work, the office was very quiet, and I sit at the front desk so there was a huge lack of privacy.

My personal programming and emotions, however, felt I was being selfish and letting my personal issues get in the way of doing what I was asked to do.

And so, I felt bad. I felt like a disappointment, and I felt like I had done something wrong. I suppose I shouldn’t have been so bothered by it. There are a lot of things that bother me that I don’t think *should* bother me.

I reached out to Syr then. I sent Her a text message letting Her know that I had almost cried telling Her I couldn’t do it, and that I was quite upset.

She didn’t reply right away, so I texted again. “Syr??”

A few moments later, I had a voicemail and all it said was “I got your messages at the same time which is why I didn’t reply to the first one.”

Huh!?

Now I was confused AND upset. I had told Syr I was upset, why wasn’t She reassuring me, or saying something… anything.. to let me know it was okay. I wasn’t sure if She just wasn’t understanding or what. I tried again to reach out and let Her know I wasn’t doing so hot… and this time She texted “I know.”

That’s it… just “I know.”

This went on for a few messages back and forth but still only got one-word replies. She was on Her way to come to my office, to pick up the key as She had left work early. She asked if I could take an early lunch. I didn’t know.

Suddenly I was hyper aware. I felt exposed, vulnerable. I was upset and trying not to cry. I sit at the front desk – everyone can see me. Suddenly I was sure people were staring. It was 11:30. I usually take my lunch at 1pm. From 12 to 1pm, I usually cover the phones as everyone else takes their lunch then. I was suddenly anxious about even asking a co-worker to cover for me. I was still waiting on a different co-worker to get back to me with some answers I was waiting on and I was acutely aware of having to either push him to come up to my desk like now (he’d already kept me waiting all morning) OR having to walk out on him.

Syr showed up and my anxiety was through the roof. I didn’t know what to do. I could barely speak; I knew I was going to start crying any moment.

Finally I managed to ask someone to cover for me… but I felt bad about that too.

Syr said “it’s okay if you can’t”, but I was so freaked out, so upset.. how could I not take a break, talk to Her.. something.? It’s like She was totally oblivious to how anxious and upset I was, how hard it was for me to function at all right then.

I took my break… and quickly learned that Syr was doing this – on purpose.

*soft sigh*

She wants me to think about my reaction… and that’s mostly what She said while She was here: “I want you to think about it.”

She said a lot of other stuff too, but I just kept reacting. I feel like I’m still reacting. I was angry, then sad, then angry, then feeling lost, then angry, then resentful, then hurt, then angry…

I feel ridiculous because all I keep thinking is “tell me what You want me to think about, damnit!” and “why IS it so hard to just reassure me? Just tell me it’s ok!”

But She doesn’t want to give me the answer; She wants me to find it on my own. Great. I know this is Her job, to push me, to help me grow, to be healthier and stronger…

And at times like this, I just hate it. Sometimes, I don’t WANT to be stronger or healthier. Sometimes I just want to be anxious and have Her swoop in and make it all better. I feel so young right now – so young and helpless.

I know it’s not good for either of us if I have to have Her hold my hand anytime I get upset. She supports me but it’s not healthy for her to enable or coddle me into dependence.

And I think that’s why this all feels so foreign. I was raised to be as dependent as humanly possible. I was taught that my value was in being dependent, and allowing myself to be controlled. I was also taught NEVER to say no… to anything. I was raised to be a doormat. It’s HARD for me to feel okay about saying “I can’t.” And that’s what started this whole thing in the first place.

I am a much stronger woman than I used to be and usually my surrender and submission comes from that place of strength. But then something so simple and small undoes me. I feel resentment for the lesson. Syr wants me to have tools… I want to stomp my feet and yell “I don’t want tools! I want YOU!”

And now I guess I understand what She meant when She said She doesn’t want to feel obligated to pull me out of these emotional spirals. When She first said that I was like “But that’s Your JOB!” You should have seen the eyebrow arch on that one. *sigh*

And I was so MAD. I wanted this to be HER mess-up, not mine! If She would only understand that if She would just let me know it’s okay, I’d stop panicking, and since normally She would say “it’s ok”, and therefore I wouldn’t panic, can’t She see that the answer to this is simple?

In other words, “Syr, if you would just suck it up and hold my hand and make it all better for me all the time so that I never have to do it myself, everything would be just fine!! Now go ahead and top me, ok?”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

But really, I don’t top from the bottom. *facepalm*

And as sure as She likely predicted, now that I’m doing what She asked me to do and… “thinking about it”, I get it. I need to learn the tools to deal with these triggers without letting them upset me to the point of such a vicious emotional spiral. I couldn’t do something I was asked to do. So what? Don’t I trust Syr to understand circumstantial vanilla-world reasoning why I couldn’t? Don’t I trust Her to know that if I could have done what was asked, I would have? Do I really think She would be really and truly disappointed in me? Why WAS I so upset at having to say, “I can’t”?

I recognize that some part of me is convinced that if I don’t somehow DO the right things, that people will abandon me, will leave me.. will realize I’m not worthy.

I hate that thinking about things like this make me feel so broken and damaged. I hate that. I know that later I will feel better and I will know that I’m not as screwed up as I feel, but sometimes – I just marvel that I’m even able to function in day to day society. I sometimes wonder at how Syr doesn’t just throw up Her hands. I feel like I’m just so much damned WORK.

Damned if that isn’t some good psych couch 101 talk right there, eh?

It comes down to the concept of an innate sense of self-worth. I don’t have that, automatically. I have to work at it. I have to work to remind myself of it. Some people, healthy people, they know they’re worthy of affection, of love, of… Ownership ;) I’m not one of them, not without consciously working at it. I am constantly out to “prove” that I’m worth loving, or worth owning. I measure my value by my actions, by the things I do for others, so when I can’t do something – I feel as if I am putting my personal value on the line. “If I don’t do this, they won’t love me anymore”. It’s not that I think that, consciously, but it is what the underlying emotion sort of feels like.

Thanks to more than one family member for instilling THAT in me. I was never good enough for them and they made sure I knew it, and that I was always striving to “improve” so I could win their appreciation, respect, love, etc.

As is true for most lessons in submission, this boils down to trust.

If Syr asks me to do something, and I tell Her that I can’t, I have to trust Her that if it’s not okay, She’ll let me know. Why am I not acting on the assumption that it IS ok? Why did I need Her to reassure me and let me know it was okay? Why did I get so upset in the first place?

I have to trust that it’s not the end of the world even if I DO disappoint Syr (or anyone) a little. What’s the big deal? Sometimes Syr does something that isn’t exactly what I would have wanted. Do I stop loving Her? Stop wanting Her? No. So why would I think it would be such a huge ordeal if I disappoint Her a little now and then?

Maybe this is all I needed, just to think it through. Maybe next time, I will trust easier, and be less likely to spiral. I think what scares me is that now that I’ve acknowledged it, it will happen anyway. Once I realize these things I just want them fixed NOW. I’m not so patient, you know?

Time will tell. Meanwhile, I feel a little better – a little more like I understand why Syr decided to teach me this lesson.

I still hurt a bit. I still want to cry – a lot. But at least I’m not so damned worked up and confused and angry and hurt. And I know now where a lot of my reaction came from, and so I’m taking ownership of that.

I know I’m loved. I know I’m owned. And I trust my Owner, my love, my Syr.

A hard but wonderful day with Syr

As the subject line indicates, my day with Syr, today was both hard - and wonderful.

Since our relationship began both long-distance and online with many of our life circumstances being so different, our dynamic has been a constant evolution over the past two years. When I married Syr, and moved in, and became a part of an already established family, much changed.

Having a strong heavy-handed D/s relationship online, on the phone, long-distance is easier in some ways and harder in others. But consistency and lots of quality (private) D/s time was definitely much easier! Syr lived three thousand miles away and in a timezone that was three hours ahead of me. And so, by the time we began chatting in the evening, She had much privacy on her end of things as all but Her were fast asleep... and I had privacy on my end... and our activities involved much typing or talking quietly (at least on Her end).

When we began living together every day, we realized how much easier having that kind of privacy is when your D/s activities can be conducted so easily in private - and long distance! So much had to be adjusted.

I give us full credit for maintaining such a powerful D/s, Owner/slave connection in spite of life's challenges. I have been in relationships that failed to leap similar hurdles and I am already quite pleased and in awe of the creative ways we have kept that fire going.

But, because of the adjustments of living together, sharing our lives together and sharing the responsibilities and chores of maintaining a household together, our D/s is constantly shifting, changing, switching course, etc.

As mentioned in my previous post, the movie "Secretary" yielded some marvelous discussions and ultimately a much needed punishment for me.

Syr awakened me this morning in the most beautiful way. She opened the window above the bed, reached out and plucked a pink cherry blossom that was nearly touching the window, and ran it along my cheek.

I always marvel at Her ability for such tenderness and such spontaneous romance, and feel like the luckiest girl and slave around for having such a thoughtful and loving partner and Syr.

*blush* In any case...

My morning started out, interesting. We'd planned a trip to a lovely garden about 90 minutes outside of town. We were preparing to leave when I thoughtlessly and accidentally broke the very rule that I had broken the day before that led to my punishment. I was chewing on my nail.

This is a longstanding bad habit that Syr HATES and She has made her opinion on the matter quite clear.

Last night when She gave me... so many hard stinging strokes with the crop, She reminded me that I am not to chew or pick at my nails (or my lip), that it is NOT allowed. I knew by the look on Her face when She caught me this morning, that She was certainly not going to let it slide.

It's such a mindless habit, and I was trembling a little as we headed downstairs to the underground garage where the car was parked.

The garage was empty and Syr ordered me around to the side of the car. She took down my pants right there, pulling them and my panties down over my hips and exposing my bottom. She gave me several sharp, stinging slaps to my bottom.

I must have looked just like Lee from the movie, then, so shocked. She'd never disciplined me in a public place before. Yes it was empty, there, and She was keeping a close eye out, but my Goddess, I never expected that.

Sitting in the car with my warmed bottom, knowing I'd been disciplined like that, made me feel very little and owned. I knew it was going to be an interesting day.

On the way there, Syr established some rules for me. I am to finish my journal entry (handwritten journal) before I am allowed to play (computer, tv, etc) each evening. I am to ask permission before eating chocolate, candy, or other sweets. I am not to pick/chew.

We arrived at the gardens with around 2 hours until they were to close for the day. Syr gave me the camera and let me take whatever photos I wished and also pointed out shots that She wanted. She was walking with Her cane, today, and so it was a service to Her that I be the primary photographer (and I love taking photos of flowers and nature close-up and She knows it).

The walk was absolutely beautiful and the gardens weren't very busy, probably as it was later in the day and close to closing time.

And then, at one point in the path, Syr stopped and faced me.

"Kneel, little slave."

I looked at Her, speechless. People could be coming up the path any moment. "Now??" I asked (yes oh so very slave-like of me).

She stuck one foot out in front of Her slightly and said "if anyone comes, you can look like you're helping me tie my shoe. Kneel."

I shakily dropped one knee to the ground.

"Both knees, slave."

I put the second knee down, and now, kneeling properly, I looked up at Her.

"Put Your forehead to my shoe."

I whimpered very softly, and placed my forehead down.

"Good girl, stand up."

She held me a moment and kissed my temple, praising me for my obedience. I can't tell you all how little and owned I felt then, how loved and how submissive and how ... melty.

She made an afternoon of these shows of Her ownership of me after that.

She stopped me at a small fence overlooking part of the gardens and not even whispering, began counting me down.

People moved up the path that was only 10 feet or so behind us, and while She counted more softly, She didn't stop.

After she said "one." She whispered "Cum, slave" in my ear and I did, trembling softly and leaning into Her. After a quick glance to make sure no one was near a moment later, She ordered me again, this time much more forcefully and once again, I did.

I had to sit down after that and we had our snack together. The small chocolate and peanut butter treat that I was allowed helped ground me some, but I was still somewhat distracted and floaty. In my zoney headspace, I absentmindedly lifted my thumbnail to my teeth for the briefest of moments.

That was all it took though, and I looked at Syr in alarm, sure She was going to find a way to take down my pants right there in the gardens!

She knew what I feared, and so She gave me one option: "There is no one on the path near us right now so you have a very small window of opportunity to kneel at my feet and apologize properly."

In a flash I fell to my knees at Her feet in front of the wooden park bench where we had been sitting together moments before. I placed my forehead on the top of Her shoe and spoke, "I'm sorry, Syr" and stayed in that position for - what felt like eternity but was probably only the briefest of moments - before She told me I could get up again.

I think that I must have floated half-dazed through the beauty of the gardens. Moments like these ones blending with the simple appreciation of tulips and rhododendrons.

At another point, She stopped and had me kneel once again and put my forehead on Her shoe. This time I was to say "You are my Owner, Syr."

She counted me down at least once more, and had me kneel for a final time when we were in a small asian part of the gardens.

We left the gardens and started the long drive home, stopping at several destinations to check out some beautiful piece of our region. At a lake we stopped at, thankfully the other people there had just departed, Syr took my pants down and spanked me again, another discipline for chewing my nail.

And, I had to learn a lesson in remembering She is in charge when I tried to micromanage her navigating to get us home.

I feel very owned, very safe, and very loved today.

Now, if I could just continue to improve on that nail-biting habit and avoid future punishments, things would be just GRAND!

Secretary

Syr and I watched Secretary together last night. It was my second time seeing the movie, and Syr's first. Afterwards, Syr advised me that I was to write about my experience of watching the movie.

Interestingly, my first viewing didn't yield nearly so powerful response as I experienced, this time, and I've been thinking about why that is.

I've been in M/s and D/s relationships before. Yet, Syr pointed out one very important fact: My prior D/s relationships - even the M/s one, were not about romantic love. It was more disconnected than that. Yes, I loved my former Master, yet it was not what I would call romantic love. He knew some things about me - but He never knew all of me... and we were never intimately connected in what I would call a truly romantic way.

Syr and my D/s involves an intense connection between us, one that has a foundation in friendship, mutual respect, as well as romantic love. And while I have had somewhat successful polyamorous relationships in the past, and have surely witnessed very in-depth, happy, healthy, and fulfilling polyamorous relationships in others - I find that, for me, there is a depth that monogomy goes that polyamoury can not. There is something about being truly owned, and knowing that only the two of us share such a connection, that allows it to run deeper, harder, more intense for me.

I should warn you all - my candid discussion of the movie will likely be filled with spoilers, so if you haven't watched it yet and don't want it spoiled, here's your warning!

In any case, I feel like I reacted to each and every scene in the movie in a powerful way. The introductory scene shows the female main character, Lee, walking gracefully through Edward Grey's office with a spreader bar across her shoulders, wrists cuffed into it as she performs several morning tasks including stapling a set of papers with her chin (that had been carefully arranged just so she should do so, collecting a document with her mouth and getting Mr. Grey's coffee with her other hand (pictured above). She walks with a confident, sexual, feminine stride down the long hallway to his office, and shuts the door with her high heeled foot after she enters.

It's provocative and elicits simple graceful service in ritual - the kind of service that screams sensuality and posession and the way she obviously thrives in it.

The movie regresses to show us where Lee was six months earlier, and it's here that I was surprised at how much of the movie I simply didn't remember.

Lee was raised in a dysfunctional household with an alcoholic father and an overprotective, overbearing mother. Her appearance screamed naive and lost and seeking direction and guidance. She wore drab colours, seemed shy and scared - and doe-eyed. Bingo! She's ME!

The movie begins showing her release from an inpatient psychiatric program and it's quickly revealed why - she's a self-abuser. I've self-abused, and my ex was a chronic self-abuser (cutting and friction burns primarily). But I must have completely blocked out that part of the movie. I was lucky in that I mostly 'experimented' with self-abuse when i was younger but only a handful of times and I never became emotionally/psychologically addicted to the behaviour. But my struggles with my ex and other close family members in this regard lent me to having a deep understanding of the types of mindsets that lead to that sort of behaviour and the types of therapy it provides the person doing it.

I found it interesting how, this time watching the movie, I seemed to identify with the main character more, and feel where she was in her journey, and remember what it was like for me at that stage - where I felt lost and confused and unsure of everything but also longing to FEEL, and to experience something real that was outside myself.

Lee is desperate for identity, for herself, and she takes a typing class and eventually decides to apply for a Secretary job.

Enter the office of Edward Grey.

Her employment with Mr. Grey starts out odd, but interesting. He's particular, something she learns right off. But interestingly - she is desperate to please him, even from the beginning. He picks up on this, and seemingly tests her in small ways.

The first time Mr. Grey exerts any blatant control over Lee, it is to tell her that she is never to harm herself again. Her reaction to this was incredibly interesting. She looked at him, and seemed surprised, but also - grateful. And she agreed, and it was obvious that she meant it. She also saw something in him - something that she respected, and having someone address the issue directly with her, and so clearly give her an answer to it: "You will stop. Period" (not a movie quote but the general idea) seemed to free her.

He becomes more and more particular, until finally he pulls out his red pen and begins proofreading her letters - and harshly admonishing her typing errors. She seems to thrive on this and the power dynamic between them seems to grow.

She blossoms under his control and is open to every experience, embracing it. Each bit of control he exerts over her, seems to only open her up even more. The first time that he spanks her, she has a strong reaction similar to how I recall reacting to my first spanking - although mine I negotiated ahead of time so the surprise element wasn't there. She was shocked, maybe even horrified, but surrendered to the experience and ultimately realizing that it was something she needed, and wanted. Under Mr. Grey's control, she becomes STRONGER, more confident, more self-aware, more self-posessed, more interested in sex and pleasure and more aware of herself as a desireable and worthwhile person.

At one point, she calls him as the table is being set for dinner in her family home and reports to him what is being served. He listens to her and then tells her what she is to eat: Creamed potatoes with lots of butter, four peas, and all the ice cream she wants.

Later that night, she masturbates over this bit of exerted control... and damned if I didn't know exactly how she felt!

I feel like Lee goes through so many of the same things many submissives go through. First being surprised, and pleasantly amazed at how stimulating this control and punishment is - to craving more and more of it... to resorting to bratting/pushing/etc to try to get it... to surrendering (and maybe occasionally bratting).

At one point, she does something really bratty - deliberately, because she is missing the dominant attention of Mr. Grey - who backed off due to his own issues (I think shame, concern he was crossing the line, etc). When he called her into his office to deal with the matter she was excited, even whispering "Finally!" before she went to him. She eagerly bends over his desk with her hands palm down waiting for her anticipated spanking. But Mr. Grey doesn't spank her, doesn't give her what SHE wanted. He has her lift her skirt, and lower her pantyhose and panties. He pleasures himself and cums on her, instead, sending her back out to do her job.

This scene really struck me, because it was an interesting scene. She did get some of what she needed (containment, a reminder that he was in control - not her). But she didn't get what she thought she wanted (a spanking, positive dominant attention). However, she left content and happy that she had been reigned in (or seemingly so, particularly since she masturbated in the bathroom after finding the wet spot on the back of her blosue and replaying the moments shared with him).

Near the end of the movie, when she declares her love for him, and proves it by following one simple command (to sit at his desk, feet on the floor and hands, palm down on the desk until his return) for three days, unfailingly, it is clear that there is more than simple S/M play on the line here. Rather a connection developed between them - one of respect and love and also Dominance and submission.

At one point in the movie, Lee expresses how the attentions of Mr. Grey make her feel simultaneously free and as if she is being 'held by him'. I find this particular quote quite stimulating and damned if I can find the exact quote online... grr. If I do, I shall post it in this entry later.

In any case - the emotion of that statement hits home. Surrending control to Syr, submitting and being owned by Her make me feel simultaneously stronger and more confident and also safe, held and... contained.

Following the movie, Syr put me to kneel on my fur next to the bed and She and I talked quite candidly. She was stirred by the movie, or more accurately, my reactions to it and many discussion points came up.

A few things that I would say were highlights (if you can call them that... *wry smile*) was the discussion of consistent discipline or punishment. No matter how unpleasant discipline/punishment can be, it's something I need to feel secure and contained in my submission. I admitted to Syr that if I had to give up almost all of our kink, one thing I would hold on to, would be punishment or discipline, because it is that - that provides me a boundary or a safe space to be and live and submit. The rest, can ebb and flow to some degree, but if one thing is maintained and consistent - it is that, that I need.

It is also the one thing that Syr admits to having struggled with. When you are a parent or even a pet-owner (of the four legged variety), you learn that if you are going to punish bad behaviour, it needs to happen right away - not next week - or the lesson is lost. And so, with our lack of privacy, Syr often feels that if She can't punish or discipline me right away (lack of privacy), that She can't or shouldn't later. We talked about this a lot, and I did admit that I read the blogs of other submissives, especially those who don't live with their Owner(s) or Top(s), who are punished at the convenience of their Owner. Some Dominants keep a log of transgressions and dole out punishments when the timing is appropriate to do so. Some keep it in their head. Some give out punishments or disciplines or physical 'reminders' when the submissive seems to 'need' it. There is a lot of room for finding what works, and so we talked about that for quite some time.

Syr also talked about finding ways to give me small tasks or exert Her control in smaller ways on a more ongoing basis. Finding the balance and realizing that there are ways to connect to each other in D/s ways that aren't blatant or sexual is a learning and growing process.

Both of us seemed engaged and candid and it was productive and felt really wonderful.

Shortly after our conversation, Syr disciplined me for transgressions throughout the day. I suppose I had it in my head that any firm new disciplinary actions would you know.. start tomorrow. But She is my Owner, and while I didn't like it much, I am grateful that She chose not to let the days misbehaviour slide and that She did take action.

The stingy cropping that my bottom received drove me to tears and curling up in Her arms afterward I felt safe and loved and contained, in spite of the physical discomfort. I slept soundly until morning.

Oh the naughtiness!

I was home, alone, today.

I haven't been home alone in a very long time - or at least not when I was not too ill to enjoy it properly.

But today, after a morning dentist appointment, I had the whole place to myself. I texted Syr to ask for permission to play. I was told that I could, as long as I finished my chores and gave Her a full report.

I indulged in absolute debauchery, and as is usually the case when I'm in one of THOSE moods, my pain threshold was VERY high. I got pretty ambitious. I managed to use every single clothespin we had in the clothespin goodie bag, and the nipple clamps, a nice smooth cock for that 'full' sensation, a purple g-spot vibe, and an egg vibe.

I think the most exciting part was clothespinning up my nether-regions. That was hot!