Surrender

Sometimes, I find myself in a mood where I want to somehow capture an emotion, a feeling, an expression of myself. This is one of those times. I'm not entirely sure what to do with it or about it at the moment. I'm almost in a mood to write poetry of some kind, but nothing is coming to me. What to do? Just .... pour forth what I'm thinking. So that's what I'll do.

Surrender is a word that captured my attention a long time ago. I love the feelings it evokes in me. There is submission, there is slavery, there is being taken.... and then there is surrender. What images does it bring up for you? To surrender is more than to be taken, more than to submit, and more to being someone's slave.

sur·ren·der (sə-rěn'dər)
~To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.
~To give up in favor of another.
~To give up or abandon
~To give over or resign (oneself) to something, as to an emotion
~To give oneself up, as to an enemy.
~The act or an instance of surrendering.

Interesting, isn't it?

The very word implies a struggle, a battle -if you will-, and the end result of which is to "give up" or "give in".

I think that this word more than any other describes my journey to find Syr. Before Her, it would seem that I expected to have my submission taken, worked for. I find myself not respecting a "lazy top", someone who wants me to be responsible for creating 100% of the dynamic. It should be a 50/50 prospect (in my opinion). Yes I will offer my submission, but I expect and deserve for my partner to offer me their Dominance.

I had found myself, previously, in very unbalanced dynamics. To be fair, both ways. I've been in D/s relationships where I was a very lazy submissive, and expected my Dominant to do all of the work. And then, I have also found myself in a relationship where if I wasn't actively creating and maintaining our D/s lifestyle, it would have fallen by the wayside, and eventually did when I just couldn't be the only one anymore.

The reality of human existence (as I see it) is that we need to give and take as equally as possible to have successful relationships. This give and take exists even within the most extreme M/s dynamic. An Owner must give of Him/Herself by putting the work forth to guide, teach, protect and push their pet. The owned must give of him/herself by putting forth the effort to give up control, to submit, to serve.

Both have expectations in return, of things they will take from the other. This is what balance is all about.

For myself, I have found it a struggle to truly relinquish control. I consider myself a very natural submissive, and yet I micro-manage everything in my life. There is a control-freak aspect of me that can very easily get completely out of control. I have to willingly and purposefully let this part of me 'go' when I submit. Submitting is a conscious act and is never so simple as just 'doing'.

To push yourself to push past what is 'easy' to do what is difficult, when the end result is submission? Well, if you ask me, that's the very definition of surrender.

It is what moves me, what makes me feel the most possessed. Anybody can "take" and anybody can "give". But to battle yourself and come out of that battle stronger, and yet able to lay this strength and power at your Owner's feet? That takes conviction and self-awareness and a great deal of trust.

I lay this strength and power at Syr's feet, regularly.

I surrender.