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Last night, I asked Syr if I could wear a gold locket with a picture of us on my collar chain. She said no, and when I asked why, Her reply was "because it wasn't my idea." I was reminded, in the simplest and loveliest of ways, that I am never truly in control.

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This morning, I woke up thinking about a simple service for Syr a day or two ago... bathing my Owner. It was so exotic to wash and shave Her. It felt simple and lovely and immersive.

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This morning, I forgot - for a while - all the reasons why it's so important that I listen, really listen to my Owner when She's speaking.

I was reminded that when I do exactly as She asks, without worrying about what it all means, or psychoanalyzing it to death or assuming that there's some personal slight involved, it is like waving a magic wand and makes all the stress and fear dissolve.

It may not be pleasant to listen, obey, and simply do - but when I do it, things are so much better.... working on really integrating that knowledge.... one teeny tiny, almost imperceptible baby step at a time.

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What I'm craving, lately, is the confidence of Her touch, the rough sound of Her voice growling in my ear, and time at Her feet.

I'm also craving routine, structure, and getting back to connecting with this side of our lives in more obvious ways - though it hasn't waned at all.

I might also be craving a nap... having a sleepy sort of day...

Breakthroughs

In spite of some stress that's going on in my life, lately, I feel like I've made some good breakthroughs when it comes to service. I'm grateful for that.

Lately I've been staying on top of the things that I know my Owner likes and providing them (usually) without reminders. I know I'm not perfect at it, but it's still really nice to see continuous (positive) progress!

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Last night, for about the millionth time - my Daddy was there for me in a way that few people ever have been or ever could be. Not only does she make me feel safer than I have ever felt, but She manages to do it even when I am at my most vulnerable - most afraid. She does all of this in spite of being the person who most challenges me, who holds me to the highest possible standards and I am so grateful.

Writing...working... growing

Clearly, I have a lot of work to do still on being consistent with this blog.

I have a bunch of excuses in my head about how busy I am but I also need to remember that Syr used to appreciate even just a three-sentence daily post, so I really don't have any excuses. How long does a few sentences take? Not much. And writing here is an excellent anchor for my service so I need to get better at this, for real.

So, how have things been going lately? I'd say up and down. I've been learning some hard lessons recently when it comes to communicating with Syr. It's often hard. I have so many unhealthy/dysfunctional habits particularly around communication and behaviour when there is tension that I really feel like each time I get better at one, I find three more in it's place that I need to address. But, that's just part of how this works. It's in layers.

Anyway, recently, we've had a couple of arguments caused by my not shutting up or not listening when I needed to. I know that these arguments have been much shorter-lived than a similar argument may have been a few years ago. So that is a clear marker of improvement. But there are things i need to work harder on.

One thing we identified recently is my behaviour when I sense any annoyance or frustration on Syr's part. I always ask "what's wrong?" but the second She tells me, I try to explain, defend it away - dismissing it (essentially). Interestingly, we identified that my drive to ask the question comes from a dysfunctional background, as does my compulsion to "make it go away". Without going into intense details about my background, let's just say it never ever occurred to me that She wouldn't always WANT me to ask what's wrong. But what She explained is sometimes She gets annoyed or whatever and just needs a moment or two to move on. That was a totally novel concept to me. And I think should help take the pressure off asking all the time. Because if I'm not prepared to hear and honour the answer, I shouldn't ask the question right? Right. I also need to work on how I handle the answer when I DO ask so it's a two part process, but it felt like progress to identify this particular issue. :) So I'm happy about that.

Service wise, I'm still enjoying keeping the house clean for Syr. :) It's become something that I take a lot of pride in. Something as small as making sure the ceiling fans get dusted every day gives me this great feeling as a slave.

So yes, while there are challenging hard things we're working on, there is also still a solid foundation of a true desire to be the best and healthiest me I can be  - for my Owner AND my own sake. And that helps drive everything and is what gets me/us through the harder things.

Diving deep into service

A lot has changed in my day to day life.

To begin with, I no longer have a standard 9-5 type job.  I'm actually still pretty busy with my own business, however not being gone for the standard 9-5 has opened up a world of possibilities when it comes to my service and how I feel as a slave.

It's only the second week of this new life and I'm looking around and very proud of the levels of service I've been able to provide. Pets are cared for. The bird has a clean cage and lots of social time. The dog is getting her meals and playtime.  And the house is clean. I'm getting into a daily routine of kitchen, laundry, bathroom, floors, dusting, the whole nine yards. And I'm loving it.

What's so amazing about that is that it seems like it wasn't that long ago when domestic service was a hard limit. But it's different, now, and the relationship and lifestyle is totally different. Serving my Owner is a true pleasure. I feel so good knowing that She is coming home from work to a clean house where all those pesky little chores are done. I love that I can pack Her lunch and make Her tea in the morning and set Her up to have the best day possible... all while pursuing my own personal business goals and dreams, too.

It's pretty amazing stuff. 

I'm just feeling so super grateful.

Working Hard on Service

Lately, I have been working much harder on those little day to day components of service. I've been working hardest of all on being autonomous in these actions, so that they are more meaningful, authentic, and from the heart.

There is definitely payoff. Nothing beats the look on my Owner's face when I kneel, unprompted at Her feet because I can see that would please Her in the moment. Nothing is more satisfactory than the special small smile that is just for me when I bring Her a carefully prepared beverage and give it to Her with service in my heart and on my mind. There is an electrical charge to everything I do when I do it from a service heart and it is amazing to see it unfold.

Yes, I have good days and not so good days. I still have a lot of work to do. But it is becoming a daily practice unbidden now and that is still relatively new in the grand scheme of things.

There are a lot of little things my Owner does to maintain the D/s between us.... little things that sometimes get taken for granted. I want to do my part as well because who She is to me is important and meaningful.

The longer I am Hers, the more I realize that it is these small moments, added up that create the robustness of who we are to one another, rather than just the bursts of intensity and raw moments alone.

I am sleepy, but I will be going to bed with thoughts of gratitude on my mind.

Inside Out

Last weekend was a long weekend and I had the great pleasure to get a great deal of quality time with my Owner. She and I ran errands, talked, gamed, bonded, and cuddled.

And we also had a rare evening of complete privacy which we took FULL advantage of.

That morning, I'd brought Syr the steel and leather cuff to wear on Her wrist while we did some running around. The cuff is our silent signal that I'd like to be held to higher protocol than usual.. It was more a reminder to myself to remember to call Her Syr as much as possible, whenever realistic.... and I love the grin She gives me when I bring it to Her. I enjoyed that all day long.

To top it off, Syr had worn her tight-fitting button fly jeans, all day long... with a snug black tee shirt all tucked in. Commando. Just those jeans hugging Her sexy ass. I could barely keep my hands off her! And well, I didn't entirely *wicked grin*. So, when we found out later that we were going to have the house all to ourselves for at least a few hours, I couldn't drag Her into the bedroom fast enough.

"are You taking requests, Syr?" , I asked Her, thinking of that thing She does with the wevibe, Her fingers, and thumb... but I also wanted Her cock. Such a greedy grrl I am.

"No." She responded without hesitation. "You'll take what You get, little girl."

The perfect response. I shivered. She always knew what I needed and this was no exception. I was naked in a heartbeat and watching Her prepare. She strapped on Ripper, and then... pulled those gorgeous button fly's back up.

There is something about Her having any clothing on or even lots of clothing on while I am naked beneath Her. It makes me feel more vulnerable ... more taken somehow. And with those buttonflys....  well, even hotter.

She didn't waste any time, it was a breath maybe two and She was inside me and my fingers were wrapped into Her belt loops pulling Her tighter.  Damn.

To say that She drove me to utter distraction and abandon after that is an understatement. And at some point, though I can't remember if it was before or after the buttonfly+Ripper action, She did ask what my request would have been.... and I admitted it. Later, after I thought I was wrung out pretty well, She obliged......

When I regained consciousness........  I had  been turned completely inside out. And it was divine.

Mindfulness

When I can remember my place, and how grateful I am to my Owner for all that She does for me on a regular and ongoing basis, service come easily - and naturally - and from a truly authentic place.

Lately, those little things have really been adding up. I've been keeping up on my chores, even the little ones that used to be so easy to forget. I've been able to anticipate Her needs much better than I ever have before, and I feel more grounded and rooted in my submission and She seems much more confident in Her Dominance.

Talk about a win-win!

Yes.

We've been in an external-circumstances-imposed rut. It's not for lack of desire. It's not that we WANT to be in a dry spell. But there are just a bunch of things that have been getting in the way! 

So, other than our hotel trip, things have been a little... overly... mellow for both of our preferences.

But last night, we remedied that. Thank goodness!

I lit all the candles and made it all pretty. 

And then my Owner fucked me until I couldn't move.

It was GREAT. 

Getting Back In The Swing of Things

No, we're not suddenly swinging. LOL

But, I am actually getting back in the swing of things!

Moving has created a change of scenery which all by itself is a big boost to mood and just feeling good about things. And, the additional bonus is that while we're still not 100% fully done unpacking, this house is so much nicer and better laid out. It's a place we can be proud of and, as such, I'm finding it much, much easier to stay on top of all my chores and finding actual enjoyment in it.

I have a lot on my plate right now, actually. Full time day job. Building my own business which will hopefully be getting busier and busier, and trying to keep my priorities straight at home with regard to my service.

Recently, I stumbled on a to-do list application called Toodledo that I just love. I can keep track of all my tasks on my desktop or phone (or tablet once I add it there) and the web application means I can check on my stuff from anywhere. A cool feature is that I can create three tiers of goals and have short and long term goals feed into lifelong goals... and then any tasks I create can feed into any of the goals so I can actually track my progress.

One of my lifelong goals is to be a better slave. Simple right? So I have some shorter term goals that feed into that, like completing all my chores. I've added all my chores to the application so I can easily see what i need to do and I've added some non physical things too, like reviewing my little list of reminders about how to stay present/mindful, to remind myself to use honorifics Syr enjoys as much as possible, to remind me to make sure She always has a beverage if She wants one, etc. And it's helping!

Plus it feels great to stay on top of all the chores because then the house is neat and clean and organized which just feels so nice - like there's space to breathe. So yes, things are going very, very well!

Moment of Passion

One of the best parts about moving... is extra alone time with Syr while we work to clean and paint the old place.

Yesterday, we went over to do some painting. Just Syr and I.  Total privacy and a totally empty house.

No more than fifteen minutes after our arrival, we were making out in the living room.... Syr pressing me into the wall as She totally claimed my mouth, running Her hands along my neck, sliding them under my shirt to cup my breasts, roll and pinch my nipples.

And no more than a minute or two after that and She was tugging my pants down and I was pulling my shirt and bra up over my head.  We managed not to break stride with our passionate kisses, all while we got closer and closer to the stairs.

And then, there I was... buck naked on the stairs with Syr's fingers driving into me and begging to cum for Her.

A moment or two to recover and then (after getting washed up and my clothes back on), we got started on the painting.

We may have had one or two additional make-out sessions as well that night.

Oh yeah. We've got our mojo back.

A Weekend To Reconnect

Ahh yes, I did promise details about my weekend away with Syr, didn't I?

So, my big Christmas gift from Syr was a two-parter. A night away at a fancy hotel downtown AND with a brand new collar - this time made of Titanium so that I won't have any more allergy issues. Yay!  

Originally, the plan had been to go away for the weekend and, while we were in the city, to shop around to see if we could find a new gold necklace. But the price of gold is insane and our wedding rings are made of Titanium.... so I asked Syr if She would consider Titanium instead. It was more affordable and we knew I wouldn't react to it, plus it would match our wedding rings. She agreed, and we ended up ordering the collar (necklace) from an online retailer. So that part was taken care of in advance (and it even arrived in the mail a few days before our hotel stay!). 

So, by the time we got to the day of our night away, everything was in order. Syr tasked me with doing the packing. Her instructions were vague, which can be challenging for me. I wanted to know precisely which Naughty Things to pack, but I think that She definitely gets a little thrill out of seeing what implements and devices and fun things I pack if left to my own devices. To be sure, usually I just pack most everything, because then I don't feel that I'm somehow "leading" the activities in some sort of subversive way. She did make one request though, that I NOT pack the needles. I wasn't disappointed because the needles is an activity we can play with quietly in our bedroom. One of the fun things about a night away at a hotel is the privacy that allows us to break out some of the, er, noisier activities.

I kept it simpler than I usually do. I packed the crop, which barely fit diagonally in our little carry on suitcase. And, I packed the small suede flogger (currently our only one), the wartenburg wheel, Syr's knives (because - hot!), some bum toys (because.. well.. *blush*), the fun factory double ball insertable thingie, and Ripper. I even remembered some gloves!  And then I added a change of clothes and some toiletries and we were all packed.

We took transit, partly for the adventure but mostly because parking downtown is a nightmare that you pay through the nose for. We left in the early afternoon, but since we were hungry, we stopped for a very light Sushi lunch before catching the bus. It was nice to start off with a nibble and some time to connect. And then we hit the bus stop. 

Checking in at the hotel was a breeze, but then the closer we got to our room, the more shy and little I got. It was clear that this would be an opportunity for more protocol and it had been so long since we'd  had the chance for that, I was feeling extra shy. Almost as soon as we got into the room, Syr was eyeing me like a big cat eyes its prey. But, She made sure we took our time getting settled in, checking out the amenities of the hotel, checking out the view, seeing how cozy the bed was, that sort of thing. By this point, I was starting to get a little wiggly just from the anticipation!

So I wasn't the least bit disappointed when She demanded I strip and hop on the bed. :) While I happily complied, She decided to see what I'd packed. As she rummaged through the contents chuckling evilly about all the things I'm sure She had planned, She also let slip that She had every intention of having Her way with me before our fancy dinner date we had planned. The evening was clearly going to be a multiple-romp event and I was more than ready.

That's when She asked me where the lube was.

Cue my deer in headlights .... "oh shit".... blank stare.

I'd packed ALL that stuff, even bum toys and gloves.... and forgotten the lube? Really? We have a ridiculous amount of lube. We have our favourite kind, flavoured kinds, sample packs of fancy stuff so we could see if we like any other brands. We have travel bottles and full size bottles. I forgot to bring ANY. :-|

Syr, thankfully was almost as amused as She was annoyed. After all - it was just one night. While we were local, we had taken transit so a "quick trip home" to pick up the missing lube would cost us at least two hours of our evening which was not exactly the plan. But, we were downtown, so I figured there must be a drugstore within walking distance. So I consulted my trusty smartphone. Once we located the nearest options that should have what we wanted, Syr decided She wasn't going to let the lack of some lube keep Her from some of Her plans... and maybe a little lesson for Her forgetful sub in the process. 

Pressing me back on the bed, She had Her way with me and then had me return the favour. Just a quickie mind you since you know... no lube.... but then She got out the fun factory double-ball insertable thingies and, patiently because... you know.. no lube..., inserted them. And then said "let's go get the lube."

So, my recompense for forgetting was to walk with Her to the nearest drugstore which was still not THAT close, mind you... for some lube for our hot date night. Eep. But I figured it could be worse... right? 

So we walked... down the hall... to the elevator... through the lobby... outside... and about a km along the boardwalk to the nearest drug store. Every once in a while I would just need to stop. Stand still. And squeeze Syr's arm REALLY tightly before continuing. But I made it. We bought a little bottle of the necessary slick stuff.... and then headed back. On the way back, I would alternate between wanting to speedwalk and wanting to just. stop. for a while. But Syr kept me moving.

In a show of absolute compassion, She let me remove the evil balls before going to dinner so I was able to concentrate on our lovely little date night dinner. Phew. 

But before going out to dinner, I made my way over to the easy chair that my Owner was lounging in and kneeled... and begged... that I be allowed to wear the new Collar in time for going out. I was nervous about asking because I didn't know if She'd planned any particular ceremony or thing around giving me the new collar. She kept me hanging for a bit while She considered my request. She does so enjoy seeing me squirmy and hearing me beg. Then She said some words... some wonderful, wonderful words. And asked me some questions... reminding me of Our Forever. And then She reminded me that once this collar goes on, it stays on. Period. And that was probably the best part. No worries about allergy issues. I grinned really big and said Yes Syr a whole lot. And then She put it around my neck and I grinned like a fool and twisted and turned in front of the mirror so I could see it from every possible angle. I couldn't be prouder as I walked on Her arm to dinner.

Dinner was divine! We shared a coconut shrimp appetizer, and we ordered two entrees and shared both... fish and chips (gourmet style!) and an amazing seafood fettuccine that had the most divine seared scallops, prawns, and salmon in a lobster cream sauce. That fettuccine dish was heaven on a plate. Seriously. I've never enjoyed scallops so much!  We even shared a teensy dessert sampler so we ended with some bites of sweet. And this fancy date portion of the evening ended up being just lovely. 

Afterward, we went back to our room, at first just to relax together as we let our bellies recover from such a lovely meal. The plan was to watch a movie together (no, not THAT kind of movie... the regular kind!) to give us some transition time from the dinner out to special time IN.

I'd brought my tablet, pre loaded with a few fun options and then I ran into technical trouble. I was getting increasingly frustrated with files not opening that should and other troubles when I heard Syr rummaging around for something.

The next thing I knew, was the feeling of cold steel against my back.... and I shivered. She ordered me to continue what I was doing with the tablet as She began exploring my bare back, neck, and shoulders with the wartenburg wheel. After a while, though, I found it hard to concentrate and the tablet lay forgotten next to me on the giant king bed while I started to lose myself in the sensations.

After playing with the wartenburg wheel for a while, Syr transitioned to Her knives. Slow, deliberate lines traced all over my back. She always knows exactly how hard to press to make me think She is slicing me open, when really She isn't even drawing any blood.

There's something about that... the fear and the sensations themselves.. that is intoxicatingly erotic.

It's also one of the fastest routes to a nice sub-space and I found myself getting there even quicker than usual.

She worked on my back for a while, and then flipped me over and worked on my chest some. She patiently traced more lines on me than I could even attempt to count and, by the time She was done, I was ready...

I was so ready....

I don't even know why we needed the lube!

Although, She was generous with it. Partly, I suspect, because we'd had to buy a new bottle and damned if She wasn't gonna use it. But partially because She had plans to not begin slowly nor gently.

One stroke, and She was buried inside me. No precursor, no slow entry. And in that moment, I was so floaty from the way She'd worked me over with Her knives that I couldn't remember Her even taking a break to strap up. Yet She had. And there I was.... impaled.... delightfully and fully and completely taken.

She didn't go slowly, not at all... not until She drove me right to the edge of sanity, to that place where I was begging and pleading for release. And still, She made me wait much much longer than She usually does. Or, at least it felt that way.

I remember having to try so hard to avoid losing myself to the impending waves of orgasm, without permission... and holding them at bay took every bit of effort I have. I remember lots of begging, and crying... and Her relentless "No"'s and "Not Yet"'s.

And then, finally, when I thought there would be nothing I could do to avoid the inevitable oblivion, She relented and the waves crashed over and around me and I just died.

Except I was still breathing.

I cried. No. I sobbed. I shook through wave after relentless wave and still the tears came. It was an ugly cry, but a cathartic one. I cried harder than I think I ever have with Her.... and I've cried pretty hard before.

And then, I fainted.

It's been a long time since I've done that! Syr prefers me to stay with Her, to not slip away that way.... but I did. I was out.

I know I was out because the next thing I remember after that was Syr's hands, so cold, as she slipped ice cube after ice cube inside me. And then Her fingers were on me and inside me and the waves were approaching again...

And then more tears.

More shuddering and shaking. More overwhelming sobs and a sensation of total release and absolute abandon.

Moments like these, I wonder who I ever was before I was Hers. She takes me to the most terrifying places and makes me feel safer than I ever felt all at the same time. It's a wonder to me how She manages it.

Once the tears slowed, I, unable to move, curled up into Her arms and had The Best Sleep Ever.

It was a divine night.

In the morning, after waking and showering, we hung out together for a bit. Syr praised me for being such a good girl during our time away (forgotten lube forgiven), and I asked for a Good Girl Spanking. It's my favourite after all. A good old-fashioned, Over The Knee bare bum meets bare hand spanking. And She agreed..... and delivered.

When it comes to an OTK spanking, I don't think I can ever get enough. But I was still all languid and soft and melty from the night before and so it was exactly the right amount and, after all, Syr's arm was getting tired....

But afterward, I brazenly scooted forward on the bed, facing away from Her, belly down, and spread my legs wide, wiggling my bum enticingly.

Syr, with a big grin on Her face that I could hear asked, "What do You want little girl?"

To which I replied.... "Your fingers... please?"

And then She did that thing that only She has ever done... with Her fingers inside me and Her thumb in EXACTLY the right place on the outside until I was begging for permission... yet again.

And this time, She didn't make me wait quite so long.... and it was... pure sweetness.

There was more showering after that and we reluctantly dressed and packed up and headed out. We stopped for a lovely little breakfast at a nearby diner and then returned home.

I think I floated on air for a few days after, still feeling Her marks on my back and Her cock driving me over the edge.

But ... now... it's been long enough.... and the busy of our everyday life is starting to settle and slow, leaving me remembering and aching... and wanting.... all over again.

Oh I am such a greedy, greedy girl.

Amazing Weekend

Had the most amazing weekend away with my Owner...

Details soon!