Sunday Devotional

This has been a difficult, but productive weekend.

Yesterday was a not so great day. Oh, well, I'm probably sugar-coating there. Yesterday was a crappy day. My mood was intense from morning until bedtime and, in the process, I behaved badly several times throughout the day. Hooray for PMS.

But I also had the opportunity to learn some really valuable things about my Owner's needs and the reasons behind why certain communication errors on my part are so significant to Her. I learned why and how they affect Her the way that they do. So, while it was sucky, something useful came out of it that I am confident will only help me continue to grow.

Today, things went very smoothly. We spent the entire day together doing things. We got up early, attended to some errands and chores, and managed to spend most of the day out and about doing things and then at home doing more things! We're finally getting ready to snuggle up with a movie together, now, and so my devotional is only  happening at this late point in the evening.

I feel closer to Her again today. I think that tends to happen when we make it through a difficult day or an argument and I realize that She is so loving and kind and knows how to use Her authority in healthy ways that help me to grow. Every time that happens - it deepens the trust I have in Her. It also helps me see so clearly just how much she believes in me... something that's easy to lose sight of in the heat of the moment.

Movie time. :)

Sunday Devotional

There was no devotional post last week because both my Owner and I blitzed doing it. I think it happened because we were in such good moods that day and just got off on the right foot so the day just flowed and so the devotional slipped both our minds. I suppose that's not a bad thing, but I do like what the devotionals have been doing for my frame of mind on Sundays.

I woke up a bit grumpy, must have got up on the wrong side of the bed. I think it's mostly because I was having serious adventurey type dreams so I went from that to the alarm going off and having to get up (in spite of several attempts at "snoozing" through the alarm.  I'm still feeling a bit out of sorts, and a bit ungrounded though I'm not exactly sure why.  It might have something to do with a class I have scheduled for today. My last class didn't go very well so I think there might be some underlying nerves about that. Hmm. That makes sense. But, I'm actually looking forward to it for the most part because I'm excited about the subject matter. Just have to remember to have a good lunch before I go this time.


This last week has been, for the most part, pretty good. Had a really nice Friday evening and Saturday with my Owner. Yesterday, we spent most of the day doing some chores together, getting the outside cleaned up and doing some of the first gardening of the season.  I got some great little girl time too because I got so little helping Her in the garden. And, we snuggled up and had a movie night last night, too. It was really good quality time.

Sunday Devotional: An Apology

Dear Syr,

During this, my Sunday Devotional time, You've asked me to complete an assignment. A consequence for my actions yesterday. A 1000 word apology about yesterday's disobedience.

We were having one of those conversations that were going all kinds of sideways. I was too intense. I was upset. I wasn't listening. I was being obstinate and I was being stubborn (though I suppose those are sort of the same thing). Especially in these moments, without a clear directive from You that makes it obvious that You are speaking to me with Your Owner voice and not just being cranky with me - I tend not to 'hear' when You are telling me to do something, not because You'd simply just like me to do it, but because You are commanding me to do it.

I know it doesn't make much sense. But one of the biggest challenges in our 24/7 D/s, M/s, D/g dynamic is the melding of more mundane day to day life things (and lack of privacy) with the realities of a power exchange relationship - and all that entails. So, I sometimes miss the boat in moments like these. It wasn't for lack of You being clear. It was primarily just a cloudiness of my own vision and a bit of emotional cotton stuffed in my ears that caused me to fail to notice, possibly semi intentionally, that You'd just given me a direct order to come upstairs for a fifteen minute time out.

Since You first implemented the time outs and the Sunday Devotionals, things have gone better than ever. We've both noticed the remarkable difference in the way I handle conflict or difficult conversations if there is a forced 'break' when I get too worked up. The quiet time to think and remember I am owned and safe has been incredibly effective. Without fail, every time You've sent me upstairs for a time out, I have gone up the stairs mad as hell, furious, convinced that I am right and that You're just being short-tempered or stubborn. And as soon as I get up here, and I snap Your collar around my neck (which sometimes takes a moment because I won't put it on while I'm thinking negative thoughts about You, so sometimes I need a moment or two before it goes on).... but as soon as I do, it's like the anger just melts away and I'm left with this remarkable thing: rationality. It's bizarre how effective it is. It isn't some dysfunctional thing where I put on Your collar and realize that You must be right at all costs, or that I am somehow reminded that I don't have a right to my own opinion. Quite the opposite.

I put on Your collar and am reminded that I trust You. That I respect You. That You have never steered me in a direction that was not in my best interest. You have always steered me in the direction of healthy behaviors. So, once Your collar is on, and after my own anger or high emotions have seeped away naturally - as they always do - and always quicker than I could have ever imagined was possible... that is when I get wrapped up in this amazing thing: clarity.

Suddenly, I can review my actions, my choice of words and I can look at the situation with some real perspective. I can ask myself the difficult questions like: "Could I have handled that better?" "Did I speak to Her respectfully?" "Did She have a point?" "Is She right?". But there is no mindlessness here. And, there is no blind obedience or doormat submission. No. There is grown-up thought. There is honest and frank self-examination. There is a whole lot of question and answer.

When I'm finished with a time-out. I usually feel calm. I'm breathing. I'm not anxious and I'm not feeling an unhealthy urge to kiss up to you or to placate you. No, what I'm usually feeling is contrition. A sensation of awareness over the ways I behaved badly - not behaved badly just as Your slave, Your submissive, Your little girl - but behaved badly in general as well. And sometimes, when I come downstairs, my opinion of whatever we were discussing has changed. And... sometimes, when I come downstairs, my opinion has not changed. But what has changed is my attitude, my energy, and my level of self-awareness (which is greater).

I know how important and valuable this new tool has been with our communication and with deepening the energy of our dynamic. I know how critical it is that I do not plug my ears and mentally go "lalalalala" (non-literally of course) when You order a time out.

Yesterday, the conversation got intense, and You ordered me up for a 15 minute time out. I didn't go. I stalled and tried to keep You talking because I was in that intense headspace where I was sure if I could just word myself properly and explain how well I understood You that everything would be instantly better (which should really have been my sure sign that I NEEDED a time out). It isn't that I intended to blatantly disobey You. I guess I was hoping You'd change Your mind. But. I did disobey You. You did order the time out. And, through stalling and re-engaging You in conversation, I 'avoided' following that order.

Yes, we worked the conversation out. We got to a healthy place with it. But it took a lot longer than it would have, had I obeyed You. I don't like feeling like I disobeyed a direct order. That's a horrible feeling for me, and I know must have felt beyond frustrating and disappointing for You. I am aware that our dynamic doesn't look like other peoples'. I am aware that sometimes people look at us and don't see an Owner and Her owned. We have playfulness between us. We have mushy, smushy moments. We tease. We play with bratty little girl energy. We have fun. And sometimes that line gets blurry and I miss when it's time to listen, and obey. And that is a problem. Because the goal we both have for this amazing and powerful relationship of power exchange, of dominance and submission, of Daddy and little girl, of Owner and owned.... is that we know where that line is... and when it counts... that You can trust that I will obey. That I will trust. That I will have faith.

I know that when I fail in this, it is incredibly disappointing to You, and I hate that I let You down in this way yesterday.

My beloved Owner, I am so sorry that I disobeyed You yesterday. I will strive to make sure I never do it again.

With all my love, trust, and faith,
Your little girl

Sunday Devotional

I was reminded last night how very lucky I am to have such a loving and trustworthy Owner.

As my Daddy, She is my everything, full of praise but not afraid to discipline me when I need it. She is the one whose approval I need when I accomplish something. She is the One I trust to protect me and keep me safe. She is the holder of my heart.

As my Owner, She is my very breath. She looks after my well-being as a whole, ensuring that I do not run away from things I am afraid of, making me step outside my "little box", my comfort zone, encouraging me and making sure that I do not back down from all the wonderful things that can happen in my future if I let them. She holds me accountable to a high standard of behavior because She knows the person I want to be, and so She helps make me aware when I backslide and She helps push me when I need it so that I can be even better.

My Syr. My Wife, My Best Friend, and My Very Own Butch™... my Beloved.

Yes, I am a very lucky girl indeed.