Giving Submission

I haven't posted much lately, here. There has just been a lot going on in our lives. But on many levels, whenever something big happens in our life together, it usually yields new growth and new opportunities.

Over the last week or so, I had a couple of really amazing "light bulb" moments about myself. Recognizing those things, dealing with them, and being honest about them has really helped me to grow and also, in some ways, to shed some old nasty patterns that were really ready to go.

I still fall into old habits, sure, but growth - small or large - always feels really empowering and healing.

One of the wonderful side effects of this growth was a realization that I needed to work on not trying so hard to 'make' Syr have to work for my submission. The wording of that is all kinds of inflammatory, which I am well aware of - but it's the most honest way I know how to put it.

A healthy D/s dynamic takes the work of both parties to maintain. Syr's responsibilities in that include establishing and maintaining my boundaries, or "containing" me (a term I've really come to identify with after reading on persephone's blog). My responsibilities include trusting Syr to do just that (and actually letting her) as well as owning my end of the deal by actually giving Her my submission with and without provocation from Her.

I think it's easy to fall into the trap of wanting a Dominant to take charge, be in control, and be responsible for the D/s and whether it succeeds or fails. But I realized that sometimes I expect Her to do like ALL the work. I don't LITERALLY think that way, but that's really what it boils down to. When I'm craving a drop, I really want that from Her - some action or reminder.

But over the course of the last few days, I've realized that I don't do enough on my own, without Her prompting. I do some, yes. I communicate and I own my needs and I make offers and when we are definitely in private and I am free to express myself, I often will fall to my knees at Her feet or fall into a soft subspace. Yet - in our regular (and by all purposes "vanilla") activities, I lose sight of my vows to Her, and of my responsibility in maintaining the 24/7 energy between us.

And I realized that when we are in a 'vanilla' setting or mood or what-have-you, and She asks me for something, that I don't treat Her, always, with the same respect I would were we in different moods, or in private. Living without the ability to exercise the full extent of that respect due to privacy issues has created a sort of dividing line between the respect She gets when we are in a D/s headspace, and that she gets the 'rest' of the time. And this has established some not so hot patterns.

So when I realized this, I decided to make a conscious effort to change it. When She asks for something, now, I do it. It seems simple, but in the usual every day mundane activities, it's not so hard to fall into a pattern of "in a minute, honey" or "I'm just going to finish this up first..." or "do you need me to do that right now?" (that last one especially when I'm feeling a bit grumpy).

I suppose the last couple of days have been a bit of a trial run, and it hasn't been flawless. But in remembering that She is my Syr *ALL* the time, not just when She has the privacy to demonstrate that, and consciously reminding myself to treat Her as my Syr all the time, I've discovered something really cool..

When She (in as vanilla a mood as can be) says "Can you please get me a glass of water?", and I get it, without hesitation or question, suddenly I am getting exactly what I need.

Duh.

Interesting how lately there has been so much talk of experience, and how long one has been in the lifestyle and how that translates to what qualifies one to say they are "experienced"... and here I am, having been in the Lifestyle to one degree or another since I was 19 years old, and I'm just a baby in some ways, still just a noob in my own way.

It's no different than any other of life's greatest treasures - you have to find the power to get your needs from within before seeking them from without - and it just clicked.

The more often I obey and trust, all on my own, because I want to - because it's right, because it's a natural expression of who I am and who my Syr is to me, the deeper my submission grows.

Pretty cool, huh?