Personal Service

Today's topic from Syr is to write about a new rule that She recently implemented for me to provide some small bit of personal 'service' for her every night.

I don't write about it much, anymore, but I have some pretty intense triggers to past stuff that really gets in the way of my ability to provide physical service in the 'touching' category. I love doing service things for my Syr ... but I tend to freeze up/lock up when I feel it's expected.

If Syr says "My neck is really stiff", for example, I perceive an expectation to rub it or give Her a backrub. I LOVE giving my Syr massages and backrubs, mind you, but once I feel it's expected, I can't bring myself to do it. I should point out here, though, that expectation and an order are two very different things. It's the more 'passive' type of expectation that really messes me up.

The passive "my neck hurts" locks me up in two ways: first I freeze and can't 'act' once the 'expectation' is there and then I feel guilty because I know I SHOULD be wanting to massage my Syr when She needs it especially. If She isn't directly ordering me, though, I find ways/excuses/reasons not to, and end up spiraling into a thought pattern of guilt/shame which locks me up even more.

Syr and I discussed this quite a lot the other day and the result of that discussion is that Syr is going to require some bit of personal service whether that is a back or shoulder rub, a mini mani or pedi to keep Her nails trimmed, or whatever, but some form of touch.

I have mixed feelings about this new rule. I'm really glad that Syr is finding a way to work with me on this, and to help me get past it. I'm also terrified of 'locking up' every day, too. I need firmness and I think I'm worried that I'll make excuses and that She will let me get away with that. I can't get past it if She doesn't hold Her ground so I'm afraid of that. Mostly I get nervous about failing at a task or succeeding at manipulating my way out of a task.

Syr has started instituting some strict behavior guidelines and I'm finding the minor corrections on behavior, tone, and such to be very grounding. I feel loved and cherished and very safe. But I also feel like She's pushing me a little, in that healthy and healing way that only a good Top/Dom/Master/Syr seems to know how to do right.

And I'm grateful.