Personal Service

Today's topic from Syr is to write about a new rule that She recently implemented for me to provide some small bit of personal 'service' for her every night.

I don't write about it much, anymore, but I have some pretty intense triggers to past stuff that really gets in the way of my ability to provide physical service in the 'touching' category. I love doing service things for my Syr ... but I tend to freeze up/lock up when I feel it's expected.

If Syr says "My neck is really stiff", for example, I perceive an expectation to rub it or give Her a backrub. I LOVE giving my Syr massages and backrubs, mind you, but once I feel it's expected, I can't bring myself to do it. I should point out here, though, that expectation and an order are two very different things. It's the more 'passive' type of expectation that really messes me up.

The passive "my neck hurts" locks me up in two ways: first I freeze and can't 'act' once the 'expectation' is there and then I feel guilty because I know I SHOULD be wanting to massage my Syr when She needs it especially. If She isn't directly ordering me, though, I find ways/excuses/reasons not to, and end up spiraling into a thought pattern of guilt/shame which locks me up even more.

Syr and I discussed this quite a lot the other day and the result of that discussion is that Syr is going to require some bit of personal service whether that is a back or shoulder rub, a mini mani or pedi to keep Her nails trimmed, or whatever, but some form of touch.

I have mixed feelings about this new rule. I'm really glad that Syr is finding a way to work with me on this, and to help me get past it. I'm also terrified of 'locking up' every day, too. I need firmness and I think I'm worried that I'll make excuses and that She will let me get away with that. I can't get past it if She doesn't hold Her ground so I'm afraid of that. Mostly I get nervous about failing at a task or succeeding at manipulating my way out of a task.

Syr has started instituting some strict behavior guidelines and I'm finding the minor corrections on behavior, tone, and such to be very grounding. I feel loved and cherished and very safe. But I also feel like She's pushing me a little, in that healthy and healing way that only a good Top/Dom/Master/Syr seems to know how to do right.

And I'm grateful.

Coping

Coping as a lifestyle choice vs. coping strategies forget through tough life situations.

Syr asked me to write on this topic after a heavy discussion we had on Saturday morning about certain coping tools that I have. Syr wanted to hear my thoughts on the differences between coping strategies to get through a situation or situations and coping as a way to get through life.

I think the major difference lies in the ability to learn and grow and improve your life, to take responsibility for your own happiness.

Coping as a lifestyle choice, in my opinion, is making a conscious decision to do only what it takes to get by from one moment to the next. It's like choosing to do the very minimum required to keep from going stark raving mad. It doesn't really address solutions or making changes to improve the situation so that coping isn't necessary.

I've known, intimately, people who choose to live life by coping. They tend to be unhappy, in general, and are often convinced that they have no control over their situation. Hell - for a while I was like that myself.

As I've learned, grown, developed as a person, I've discovered my ability to take responsibility for my life, my happiness, my personal well-being.

There are parts of me that feel bruised, damaged or broken. Syr often reminds me that I'm strong, that I've come a long way, and that I'm constantly improving. Sometimes I find it difficult to see those improvements, and I start to feel like certain things will never get any better. Syr finds real examples to prove that they have been and are continuing to get better.

I've developed several coping mechanisms. Some of these coping mechanisms were subconsciously developed over time to protect me from certain types of abuse or mistreatment. Some of them were to keep me from having to step outside my comfort zone. Regardless, these coping tools make me feel like I'm not 'good enough'. I feel like I am handicapped in certain areas, crippled from being able to do the things I wish I could. Syr points out that the difference between coping as a tool and coping as a lifestyle lies in my desire to overcome the things that hold me back in whatever ways that I can.

There are no guarantees but at least I know that even though it's 'coping', it's temporary.... not permanent victim-hood.

Writing again...

Thanks to some functions and Freeware that I have recently discovered on my Palm Pilot, I now have the ability to write entries just about anywhere and just copy and paste them into my blog, rather than trying to sit at my computer witth very little privacy and try to focus.

I also now have the ability to download and read RSS feeds on my palm, which means that (finally) Syr can read my posts without having to be at the privacy-less computer! This has opened up some possibilities for us. It also means probably more posting! Yay! Of course it also means that I get to finally keep up on reading my favourite kinky blogs!!! It's so hard to read them with teenage boys hovering wondering whenit will be their turn at the computer.

This intellectual 'side' of Syr and my D/s has always been important to us and, interestingly, hardest to maintain after we moved in together due to the lack of privacy.

The first is that so Syr has said that She does want to start seeing me writing on topics again. That's starting with Luna's Submissive Journal Prompts (see my blog's sidebar for the link!)

This week, I'll just respond to one, and we'll see how it goes.

Are you a perfectionist? How do you think this affects your service?

Absolutely, I am a perfectionist! And it definitely affects my service.

I am constantly worried about making sure that what I do is done 'just so'. This also means that I tend to 'serve' in any formal way at all unless I am SURE I can go all out. This means, I suppose, that Syr misses out on quite a lot of service in the long run.

I love giving Syr massages, pedicures, manicures, cutting Her hair for Her, cooking for Her, making Her coffee, etc. But I tend NOT to step in and do those things unless I can do them to the utmost. If I can't do a full blown massage with oil and go at it for a while, I don't offer. If I can't give a full foot bath with the pedicure, I don't offer.

I've never really thought that much about how my belief that "it has to go a certain way" really affects the service Syr gets from me.

It's something that I want to work on. I am sure that Syr would appreciate a backrub, even without 'the works' and I'm sure She would appreciate a pedicure, even if it was only nail care and a foot rub.

So it is definitely something I want to work on, especially since Syr and I are trying to find ways to get that D/s energy more frequently.