Feeling Her

"Describe how it feels to feel my marks at "inappropriate" times?"

I should clarify that when Syr assigned this particular topic, She clarified that "inappropriate" is referring to times like when I am at work, or doing more mundane, non D/s related activities.

Marking me has become something that Syr does regularly now. Not often, by any means, but definitely regularly. We both enjoy the effects both during the scene and for days afterwards and the spaces I reach as a result of Her knife on my back.

Recently, we both got tattoos which symbolize our relationship to each other. Mine features symbology which identifies me as queer, a femme, and as Her property. Hers identifies Her as queer, a butch, and as my Owner.

My tattoo is on my back, near the top of it, creeping up onto the back of my neck, a place that holds significance as Syr often grips the back of my neck right in that very spot, and used to mark me in that spot on my upper back. Now, She marks me slightly lower, underneath the tattoo.

She got a new knife, razor sharp a couple weeks ago. She marked me with it and we both loved the sensation, though because it was so sharp, it left very clean smooth lines which stung only right after, but healed VERY quickly (within 24 hrs, all sting was gone).

Formerly, I would feel the 'sting' for days. So we're shopping for a knife that while sharp, is not TOO sharp. What we do isn't cutting, it's more like scratching.

As to the topic, what I am used to is feeling the sting for days afterwards on my back. I'd feel Her marks when my shirt brushed my back, or when I pressed or leaned back against a chair. When I wanted to remind myself, I'd reach back and run my fingers lightly over the raised lines that lingered.

A few weeks ago, I was having a very stressful time at work, and whenever I felt overwhelmed, I would lean back in my chair to feel that light sting on my back, reminding myself that I belong to Her, that I'm cared for and safe. It was reassuring and thrilling, simultaneously.

It can also be exciting, to sit in a meeting with coworkers and feel the physical sensation that reminds me that while I am confident and powerful within my work, I also am a full time slave.

So there is a thrill aspect, as well as a comforting aspect. It is like walking around all day with a delicious secret that is all my own. I suppose one could compare it to wearing no underwear and going out to a fancy dinner. It's a naughty secret, a 'taboo' secret. And it feels wicked.

And that definitely appeals to the bad-girl parts of me!

Written Rules

Describe how you feel about having written rules?

Today's assignment (well, technically yesterday's, I'm a day late) is to discuss my feelings on written rules.

This came about because within the last couple of weeks, Syr has created a list of rules. These rules are still being tweaked but is the most extensive list we've ever had between us.

Among them are :
~Call my mother once/week
~Greet Syr with "Good morning, Syr" every morning
~Make the bed every day
~Cook home-made meals twice/week (minimum)
~Complete writing assignments twice/week (once by Wed, another by Sat at 10pm)
~Elliptical machine at least four times/week plus one other cardio activity at least once/week
~Meditatione for 5 minutes every day

And there are others...

But how do I feel about them? I love them, want them, need them, crave them.

I crave and need the structure that comes with rules, but only when they are enforced. A rule given and not followed up on can be really degrading to the dynamic and to the relationship.

Ultimately -- I'm thrilled with the list of rules.

I need to find more ritual in my day again, rituals that are geared to help me be healthier and happier and also rituals that are geared towards reminding me of my place in Syr's world, of Her posession of me.

I think these will help with that. And that, above all else, is what I am most pleased about.

Frustration

"Tell me about something that frustrates you."

Oh ... sure. Easier said than done!

It's easy to write with glowing praise about my Syr. I am well cared for, well groomed, and incredibly blessed to have someone in my life who is so attuned to my needs, my desires, my triggers, and all the other parts of me.

But it is far more challenging to write about the less than perfect aspects of my experience serving Her.

But - that is my task, so here goes.

---

I think it's normal for there to be frustration within any relationship, but perhaps even more so within the realms of a relationship that is molded by a power exchange of any kind. The art and energy of a Dominant/submissive lifestyle can bea tricky thing to navigate. It is amazing and energizing, but can also be draining and a lot of work.

If I'm being completely honest, I would have to say that integrating D/s into my life was a lot like opening a floodgate. Once it's done, it is done.

Could I be happy living a vanilla life? Sure. But a part of me would feel the loss acutely. My submission fills me with an inner light that I would find hard to replace. It grants me peace and serenity when the world spins out of control around me. It gives me safety and security when life throws challenge after challenge at me. It has helped me get to know myself in a way that I may never have without it.

And yet, it also awakened needs in me that really must be met. The ways those needs are met can be as varied and unique as individual snowflakes falling from the sky, but they must be met. When they are not, I am thrown off-balance, and can easily spiral into a place where in it's mildest form I find myself unsettled or cranky and in it's most severe form can throw me into mild forms of temporary depression.

So when asked what is something that frustrates me, the answer is simple (though its explanation is not):

What frustrates me is when I have a need and circumstances, lack of privacy, or other life 'stuff' gets in the way of me reaching, or maintaining little space - espcially when I really... REALLY need that little space.

Sometimes, those circumstances or life "stuff" are avoidable, and then sometimes it's hard to be patient or understanding, when my little voice is screaming "I NEED!!! Fix it!!!! Please!!" and other times, the circumstances are out of both of our control and I nearly rage at them in a petulant way that while probably adorable to watch is just a small outlet for my internal frustration.

For me to be at my best, I need little space.. I need it regularly... and somewhat often. It can be achieved in subtle ways or blatant, but I do need it.

So I admit sometimes that I get frustrated with Syr, when She can't deliver. It's a selfish urge, and I realize that there are slaves and submissives out there who are probably aghast with shock that I would spend an entire post talking about my needs. What kind of submissive am I? ;)

Well - I'm me. I'm my type. And being submissive, is a part of me. And that part does include needs. *nodsnods*

Syr recognizes this, appreciates it, and understands it. I am sure my needs can also be a source of frustration for Her. What's most important is that we work together, we ebb and flow together, and that we both do our best to strike the balance between wants and needs, both of ourselves and each other.

Overall, I think we both do a damn fine job.