Surrender

Sometimes, I find myself in a mood where I want to somehow capture an emotion, a feeling, an expression of myself. This is one of those times. I'm not entirely sure what to do with it or about it at the moment. I'm almost in a mood to write poetry of some kind, but nothing is coming to me. What to do? Just .... pour forth what I'm thinking. So that's what I'll do.

Surrender is a word that captured my attention a long time ago. I love the feelings it evokes in me. There is submission, there is slavery, there is being taken.... and then there is surrender. What images does it bring up for you? To surrender is more than to be taken, more than to submit, and more to being someone's slave.

sur·ren·der (sə-rěn'dər)
~To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.
~To give up in favor of another.
~To give up or abandon
~To give over or resign (oneself) to something, as to an emotion
~To give oneself up, as to an enemy.
~The act or an instance of surrendering.

Interesting, isn't it?

The very word implies a struggle, a battle -if you will-, and the end result of which is to "give up" or "give in".

I think that this word more than any other describes my journey to find Syr. Before Her, it would seem that I expected to have my submission taken, worked for. I find myself not respecting a "lazy top", someone who wants me to be responsible for creating 100% of the dynamic. It should be a 50/50 prospect (in my opinion). Yes I will offer my submission, but I expect and deserve for my partner to offer me their Dominance.

I had found myself, previously, in very unbalanced dynamics. To be fair, both ways. I've been in D/s relationships where I was a very lazy submissive, and expected my Dominant to do all of the work. And then, I have also found myself in a relationship where if I wasn't actively creating and maintaining our D/s lifestyle, it would have fallen by the wayside, and eventually did when I just couldn't be the only one anymore.

The reality of human existence (as I see it) is that we need to give and take as equally as possible to have successful relationships. This give and take exists even within the most extreme M/s dynamic. An Owner must give of Him/Herself by putting the work forth to guide, teach, protect and push their pet. The owned must give of him/herself by putting forth the effort to give up control, to submit, to serve.

Both have expectations in return, of things they will take from the other. This is what balance is all about.

For myself, I have found it a struggle to truly relinquish control. I consider myself a very natural submissive, and yet I micro-manage everything in my life. There is a control-freak aspect of me that can very easily get completely out of control. I have to willingly and purposefully let this part of me 'go' when I submit. Submitting is a conscious act and is never so simple as just 'doing'.

To push yourself to push past what is 'easy' to do what is difficult, when the end result is submission? Well, if you ask me, that's the very definition of surrender.

It is what moves me, what makes me feel the most possessed. Anybody can "take" and anybody can "give". But to battle yourself and come out of that battle stronger, and yet able to lay this strength and power at your Owner's feet? That takes conviction and self-awareness and a great deal of trust.

I lay this strength and power at Syr's feet, regularly.

I surrender.

Love and Slavery

I wanted to write a little something on love and slavery. It can be hard to verbalize how powerful of a love exists between Syr and I, but I see mirror images of that same powerful love in other M/s-dynamic couples. There is something unique about an Owner/pet, Owner/slave, Master/slave etc kind of relationship that I find hard to explain or describe when it comes to the love aspect.

It is foreign to some people, how one could find such true beauty in being *owned* by another human being, or in *owning* another human being. And yet, it really is not that foreign of a concept. Think of the way a beloved pet (a dog or a cat) must feel? How must it feel to have another being willing to care for you in that way? I look down at the black cat curled around my feet, my beloved pet, and it helps put into context how I feel. Here is this creature, at my feet, who loves and adores me. He comforts me when I'm sad, amuses me when he is at play, and is a delightful companion. He deserves, in return, that I make sure he is well fed, taken care of, nurtured, housed. He deserves to be treated with love and respected as a member of my family. It is humbling to be responsible for another creature in this way. It must feel that way to Syr at times.

And as for me, I look to Syr as I imagine a pet looks to her owner. Syr is there to cherish and protect me. I can not imagine loving Her more than I do. I can not imagine trusting Her more than I do. I have never loved, nor trusted, at this depth before and I am not sure that I ever could again. I literally lay my life at Syr's feet to do with as She wishes. The really amazing thing? She would never do something with it that wasn't in my best interest. I find myself craving pain at Her hands, and more extreme S/M play than I ever have before. I long to feel Her knives against my skin. I crave the pain of Her bite. I want to writhe and whimper, beg and plead for her. All because I know she will never take me further than I am able to go, even if I want to go further. She will always protect me, and always do whatever She can to meet my needs, to fulfill me, and to help me grow.

Though I had a Master before, I never knew the true meaning of belonging to someone else, truly. I blame that partially on His and my, then, polyamorous lifestyle. Nothing against it, I have known many very successful, very happy people in loving polyamorous relationships. But -- it's not me. And I never realized that I could never truly belong to Someone unless I was the only one. Now, I know.

But I know also that this is more intense than that for many reasons, not the least of which is a destined connection between the two of us: something that we both believe in very much.

All I know is that when She looks at me and reminds me that I belong to Her, this incredible gratefulness that She owns me, and this incredible love that is absolutely indescribable.

Our Wedding Vows

I, take you, alena,

to be My own,

to shelter and protect,

respect and cherish,

to guide and to love

in this life and all future lives to come.

I take You, Syr,

to be my own,

to honor and obey,

respect and cherish,

to surrender and to love

in this life,and all future lives to come.

On feeling small...

Syr gave me a writing assignment today. She's observed since knowing me, that whenever I stand near Her, I slouch so that I am shorter than Her. I've never really been aware of it. It is very much an unconscious thing.

I've always described my submissive space as "little" space. It is the best way that I know of to describe it. I don't even know what else would be appropriate. "sub-space" doesn't describe how it *feels*. Saying that I feel "little" does.

And the interesting thing is, that Syr and I are basically the same height. In fact, I am about 1 inch taller than Her. I am not the type of person who cares about height on any kind of real level. I have told Her before that She is 10 feet tall to me when I am on my knees. It is true.

And yet, whenever I get close to Her, I slouch, I curl down, I lean into and up to Her. Perhaps it is that "safe" feeling I get by being 'lower' than Her. After all, I love that feeling whenever it happens. When She sits at the computer and I curl up next to her on the floor. I may not be "kneeling" or doing anything formally or obviously submissive, yet I adore the feeling of being beneath Her. When She puts me on my knees, I get that feeling. When She stands behind me and wraps Her arms around my waist and I can lean back against Her, I get that feeling. When She stands over me when I am sitting to give me a kiss, I get that feeling. And I *love* that feeling.

Perhaps, that is why I unconsciously change my posture to be 'smaller' than Her when I stand close to Her. I love feeling small by Her. It feels safe and intimate and special.

And, I love the way She responds to it. When I sit at Her feet, even in the most vanilla of settings, She reaches out and strokes her fingers along my head, petting me in a way. When I tip my head up to Her as She leans over to kiss me, She'll let her hands trail along my throat or the back of my neck. And when I curl into Her, slouching to be smaller than Her when we are standing, She wraps Her arms around me in this way that is protective and nurturing.

It is the littlest things sometimes that make me feel owned and protected, nurtured and cared for. This, I suppose, is one of those things.

It's only an inch or two, and I wonder if other people notice.

I doubt it. In my playful moments, I enjoy teasing Her that I am taller than Her. And yet, in my mind She is taller than me, bigger than me, stronger than me. She can put me on my knees with a single glance, and I melt into Her with a single look.

I suppose this is just another example of how our M/s dynamic, albeit subtle to the casual observer, is so completely 24/7, so completely consistent even when it appears to be at its most vanilla...