Devotional

Devotional.

Reminder.

Ritual.

Whatever I want to call it, that's what I'm about to create for myself.

See I fucked up yesterday. And since fucking up isn't allowed, it's like I broke a big ass rule.

And there were consequences. Ouchy ones - and not the physical kind.

Then, today, I stumbled across this quote:

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." -C.G. Jung

Yeowch.

See, our dynamic is all about responsibility. I come from a traumatic, dysfunctional and abusive past. And the remnants of that past that show up in my behaviors, we call "fleas". Dysfunctional little clingy buggers that rear their ugly heads usually during times of stress and/or conflict. And they cause some big ol' drama... PARTICULARLY because said fleas are embedded and unconscious behaviors. But as Syr always says - they may not be my fault, but they are my problem. 

And yesterday they were her problem - er as in they affected her.

I did some Her Eyes Only writing on this yesterday, but I'm still reflecting today and realize that if I truly want to make the unconscious conscious... then part of what I need to do is make sure these behaviors are front of mind and that I'm making deliberate choices in the moments that matter most - so that I can have more perceived control over my own actions.

All of which is to say that since writing is one of my most effective methods of dealing with my shit, and since writing is a requirement anyway, and since I thrive on ritual and routine, why couldn't I create my own devotional process around the behaviors I want to change - bringing them to the forefront of my mind every day.

And I realized it needed to start with me - and continue with me. I don't need (though I may sometimes want...) Syr to assign me things like this. I know what needs to be done to make our life better, our relationship stronger - so why don't I just fucking do it already? ;) 

So it started with something Syr said yesterday and has said before.... sometimes She doesn't feel like I respect Her. Now this comes about because my fleas sometimes 'win over' (translation: i let them take over) and I end up treating Her in ways not in line with how I actually FEEL about Her. In other words, I DO respect Her... so much. But I sometimes suck at showing it. 

So I began with this.. the definition of respect: 

Re-spect / re'spekt (verb) - to admire someone deeply as a result of their abilities, qualities or achievements.

And so I wrote down the things about Syr that make Her so worthy of my respect. And then I developed a mantra based on the list of qualities I had made.

"I respect my Owner because She is patient, strong, kind, understanding, supportive, intuitive, loving, affectionate, intelligent, honest, trustworthy and knows me better than I know myself."

And then I came up with a list of commitments based on previous reminders to self and issues I know I need to work on:

Each commitment begins with these words

"I will treat my Owner with the respect she has earned by actively doing the following:"

• I will respond to difficult moments by listening instead of controlling or 'fixing'.
• I will communicate calmly, clearly, and directly.
• I will answer questions honestly and without hesitation or redirection.
• I will not argue. If I feel "right", I will think about it and then write my thoughts down.
• I will NEVER deny my behavior when Syr points out that I am either arguing or not listening.
• I will proactively offer personal services that Syr finds enjoyable.
• I will abstain from picking and chewing
• I will trust her motives and intentions are always in my best interest. Always.

So a great deal of thought went into each of these statements. I wanted them to be clear and speak to some of my most tenacious fleas.

The BIGGEST issues I have revolve around my inability to listen when a situation is tense or intense in some way.

Essentially, I have recognized that there is a HUGE difference between actively listening and thoughtfully responding and jumping into "fix it mode" (the latter being a huge flea from my childhood). Fix it mode is all about "say anything ANYTHING so that this unpleasantness goes away", which also means it's also not always honest (with myself or others) and is more about 'damage control' (key word - control). What I realize is when I'm in fix it mode, I am more likely to 'say what i think she wants to hear' instead of being really aware and mindful and saying what I really think/feel/mean... and this always - ALWAYS leads to problems. For obvious reasons.

I have also recognized that when I'm listening and thoughtfully responding, I am being (overall) more honest, more mindful, and am way less likely to let a flea take over/take control in that moment.

I've also discovered that, to date, Syr has NEVER EVER turned out to be wrong when She's accused me of either a: arguing/fighting, b: not listening or c: trying to control a situation. Not once has she been wrong. I always see it after the fact.

So, it behooves me to learn how to shut the fuck up when she points out any of these things and remember that she's right. Even if I don't see it in that moment, I'm going to very soon and then I'm going to feel like an idiot and be ashamed of myself for days for my misbehavior and Syr's going to get hurt and it's just gonna be all around really really bad so. yeah.

I've discovered that there are three major "cues" for me to shut up (STFU/Shut The Fuck Up) when a moment gets tense.

Cue #1: Syr says, "You're not listening."

My Pattern: "Yes I am! And here's why/how/etc". Note that this response negates/defends and invalidates Syr's feelings. Yuck.

Appropriate Response: "Sorry, Syr. Please continue." and then STFU.

Cue #2: Syr says, "I'm not going to argue/fight about this."

My Pattern: "But I'm not fighting/arguing.... and here's how/why/etc." Note again that this response negates/defends and disrespects Syr's wishes/boundaries.

Appropriate Response: "Okay. I'm sorry, Syr." and then STFU (note: if I'm still feeling like 'arguing' at this point or still feel there's a misunderstanding, miscommunication or anything else I need to "clear up" then my job is to sit the fuck down and write about it - not continue with the verbal battering ram. 

Cue #3: Syr says, "I'm not doing this."

This is pretty much EXACTLY the same thing as Cue #2 so basically... see above.

ALL of this went into coming up with the respect mantra and commitments. 

I also know enough about how my brain seems to respond to words on paper and repetition and focus without distraction. So, I've decided to try writing these things out daily in a notebook for a while as a daily devotional/ritual to set my mind/focus on the right track each day.

I don't know if this will help/resonate but it feels like a useful thing to do and so I will try it and see if it helps. Here's what I intend to write.

Respect Mantra - 3 times.

Followed by each Commitment - 10 times.

And yes, that means 83 lines, every day. And maybe that's too much. I'm not sure. It's not a self-assigned punishment. It's about mindfulness. If 10 turns out to be too much, I'll pare it back to 5. But I think it's important to write them out by hand. And I think it's important to do it regularly. And I think that if I can, in this way, start to bring these commitments to the front of my mind every day that I can really start to make the unconscious, conscious. 

That's the purpose.