Growth In Service: Allowing for normal human emotion

This is a subject near and dear. It's been something that has been in the forefront of my personal work for a very long time. Years. Many years.

Allowing myself to express normal emotion - and having that be a safe and healthy thing - is still something I"m learning how to do.

It is through my submission to my Owner - that absolute safety that She offers me... something I'd never experienced to this degree before - that I am finally learning to get actually in touch with normal human emotion.

Learning that it's okay to FEEL anger.... frustration... annoyance... and other feelings I label as "negative" is part of learning to be mindful about how (or if) I choose to express those feelings to others - especially how I choose to express those feelings to my Owner.

Before learning it was okay to feel those feelings, I was often so overwhelmed by them, that I would explode. It wasn't productive from any perspective - and especially not within the perspective of an Owner/property dynamic.

But I am grateful.... because Syr knew. She knew that it wasn't just about getting me to shut up when I yelled. Or getting me "in hand". It was about addressing the underlying issue... teaching me that I was allowed to feel what I felt....

It has been one of the greatest gifts She ever gave me.

And sometimes I still struggle with remembering. But the point is, the groundwork has certainly been laid.

But I just realized something really important. Really important.

I can't remember the last time I completely lost my temper. I can't remember the last time I felt shaky with rage and indignation (something I used to feel whenever I got the slightest bit angry). In fact, I think it's been easily a year. Maybe two. Maybe I'm remembering wrong. Maybe there's been times. But they dwindled in frequency over such a long time...

This is an area I can look at and say, honestly..

Yes. Yes I have made progress. Lots of it.

Feeling humbled and grateful....


GROWTH IN SERVICE:
Conflict Checklist
Identifying when an 'issue' must be addressed right then.
 Allowing for normal human emotion
 Grumpy vs. angry, indirect vs. passive aggressive
 Aim for at least a 60/40 split with Listening vs. Talking
 How “mentally preparing” for next point interferes with listening
 Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings
 Ask, don’t tell Owner what Her feelings are
 Waiting for the answer after asking a question
 Not defending/countering
 Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice
 How not doing these things invalidates Owner’s feelings/emotions
 The Reminder: “Who Owns Who?”
 The purpose of the reminder, why was it necessary?
 Understanding the risk Owner is taking in doing the reminding
 Taking a moment to be grateful
 Pause and reflect on behaviour – in line with protocol?
 “Stop” – Respecting Owner’s boundaries/need for space
 Hearing & respecting the first time (always an order)
 Ego Removal
 Thinking / Understanding
 Trust
 Seeking reassurance – appropriate time and place
 Resolving conflict productively
 Assigning blame - why?
 “I’m sorry” versus processing / expressing remorse
 Trusting Owner to apply correction when required
 Post-conflict self-abuse (mental/verbal/physical) = lack of trust
 Wallowing/Dwelling

Service and Mindfulness
 Can one exist without the other?
 Ways to cultivate mindfulness
 Identify your intentions
 Continual removal of conflicting thoughts
 Service to Owner as service to self

Orders
 What qualifies as an order
 Who judges whether a request is important?
 Bargaining
 Recognition/Reward – want vs. need
 The positive effects of obedience

Being aware of Owner’s needs & desires
 Offering vs. Being asked
 Identifying, Understanding, & Banishing fear with trust
 Practice, Practice, Practice
 Avoidance & Anxiety
 Identify the block / inner objection
 Processing anxiety 
 What’s driving it
 Trusting
 Working within self-expectations
 Desired level of service vs Minimum level (keeping it realistic)
 Trusting Owner to decide what is/is not an acceptable level of service
 Identify the pleasure - Service to Owner as service to self

Eye contact
 Keeping focus when receiving direction
 Maintaining focus when responding
 Looking at vs. looking through

Corrections
 Hearing the correction
 Understanding the correction
 Ego removal
 Responding and offering gratitude for the Correction

Expressing Gratitude
 What the hell for?
 Understanding the service your Top provides
 You probably need it – even if you disagree.

Spiritual self-work
 Neuro-Elasticity vs. Samskaras
 The joy of sticking with it
 
Processing “negative” emotions
 Identifying uncomfortable emotions
 Examining the root – why is it so uncomfortable?
 What is the fear - what’s the worst that could happen?
 What to do with these emotions
 Is it necessary to express verbally?
 Productive ways to do so
 Identifying coping mechanisms / Ways to process productively

The discipline of focus
 Visualize goal
 Removing distraction
 Motivating self through reflecting on success

Learning to follow
 Being patient
 Micro-management
 Identifying what the fear is
 Remembering to trust
 Being flexible and open minded as service
 Being comfortable without a plan / Spontaneity
 Creating false objections to stay in ‘safe zone’
 Letting go and letting Owner be in charge
 Indecision
 Identifying when struggle for control is the root
 Asking for help when needed
 Respect

Identifying Milestones
 Identifying smaller achievements
 Remembering smaller achievements
 Rewarding smaller achievements (bidirectionally)

Protocol
 All Settings
 Mindfulness of Tone / Voice
 LISTENING: Learning to unfilter verbal information
 Identifying the filter
 Acknowledging the obstacle
 Listening to precise language
 SPEAKING: Learning to unfilter verbal information
 Identifying the filter / desire to spin
 Acknowledging the obstacle
 Speaking precisely
 Remaining open to response
 Integrating mindfulness
 Answering Questions
 Giving a straightforward answer
 Avoidance and defensiveness
 Answering a question with a question
 Interactions with others
 Vanilla settings
 Addressing Owner
 Tone used with terms of endearment, use of first name
 Walking / Travelling
 Food & Beverage
 Dining out
 Family Leisure time
 Public – kinky/private settings
 Addressing Owner – Syr, Daddy, my Owner
 Expectation removal
 Verbalizing desires
 Desire vs Need
 Accepting answers/responses – with trust
 Food & Beverage Service
 Playtime
 Providing sensual service
 Verbalizing headspace/mood
 Removal of intensity / impulse to drive a scenario
 Providing feedback
 How expectation removal allows for full immersion in scene
 Aftercare