I function best on a schedule....
And I think I might FINALLY be starting to figure out my current one. It's taking a lot of flexibility - something I'm notoriously bad at, but I am learning - more out of necessity then anything.
I'm starting to learn which tasks should be prioritized and which ones can be put off. And then there's some tasks that I can't seem to find my groove on. So it's definitely a work in progress.
The biggest thing I'm still figuring out is balancing work and chores. It's not that there's too much, it's that I tend to get very tunnel visioned and do entirely one or the other - and I understand from Syr that if I'm going to do that, I should focus on work first - which definitely makes sense.
Now, I'm starting to interrupt some of that tunnel vision to get some chores done again, but it's not back up to the standard it was when we first moved here so I know I have some more work to do.
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
A change in perspective...
The day before yesterday, my Owner was having one of those days where her body was just sore. She was having a bad knee day, and her shoulder's been bothering her.
We'd had a short argument, or rather more accurately - a few minutes of tension which dissolved rather quickly, all things considered.
Shortly after, as Syr was still in her work clothes, I offered to remove her belt for her. She put her hands in her pockets and just looked at me with that "go ahead..." look. And so I locked eyes with her as I slowly unbuckled and then removed her belt, looping it and handing it to her as I turned to place both hands on the counter, sticking my bottom out rather enticingly.
Syr obliged with first a couple and then many more expertly delivered strikes to my backside with her belt, something that's always made me weak-kneed. Afterward, I asked her if she wanted to see her handiwork.... and she tugged my pants and panties down, revealing my reddened bottom. Running her nails along my sensitive skin, pinching, grabbing, and delivering a few stinging bare-handed slaps.
And then she took my hand and led me to the bedroom.... and I knew she was going to fuck me.
She strapped her cock on and then pulled those sexy blue jeans back on..... she stood in front of me and pulled me close, pulled my mouth onto her cock. Something I've always loved to do, but something that used to make me feel... powerful... yet somehow I felt.... taken and submissive more than I felt powerful. She knows how much I love to suck her cock, and knows it's her with all the power.... and so I gave into that.
She pulled away and beckoned me to the bed, but I hesitated. As sexy as all of this was, I was legitimately concerned for her body and checked in - wondering if it was really going to be okay with her knee and shoulder and so on. She got this evil twinkle in her eye and I knew she had a plan.
And.... yes... she did.
She sat on the bed, me standing in front of her.... and calmly told me that I was going to ride her.
.....
Oh.
See, in the past that was only something I did occasionally and when I did I often felt rather... um... power trippy? But, suddenly, I got very little and nervous and worried and shy. I didn't know how I felt about being on top! I was in a subbie head space and not exactly sure how it'd feel to be on top...... but it was clear I didn't have a choice.
Syr laid back and I wanted to bury my face in her chest and hide.... but she pulled me on top of her. And soon her cock was inside me and there I was... naked and moving on top of her, feeling the rough denim of her blue jeans against my sensitive bottom, feeling her hands on me..... and I got quickly lost.
I'd never imagined I could feel so little and so NOT in control while on top! She touched and held me, pulled me close, kissed me, took my breath, told me when I must stop and when I could move. And it ended up being not only incredibly hot but unlike anything I'd ever experienced.
Sometimes it stuns me how the things that used to make me feel like I had all the power, now seem to be the things that make me feel the most deliciously powerless.
Something tells me that we'll be playing that game again before too long...
We'd had a short argument, or rather more accurately - a few minutes of tension which dissolved rather quickly, all things considered.
Shortly after, as Syr was still in her work clothes, I offered to remove her belt for her. She put her hands in her pockets and just looked at me with that "go ahead..." look. And so I locked eyes with her as I slowly unbuckled and then removed her belt, looping it and handing it to her as I turned to place both hands on the counter, sticking my bottom out rather enticingly.
Syr obliged with first a couple and then many more expertly delivered strikes to my backside with her belt, something that's always made me weak-kneed. Afterward, I asked her if she wanted to see her handiwork.... and she tugged my pants and panties down, revealing my reddened bottom. Running her nails along my sensitive skin, pinching, grabbing, and delivering a few stinging bare-handed slaps.
And then she took my hand and led me to the bedroom.... and I knew she was going to fuck me.
She strapped her cock on and then pulled those sexy blue jeans back on..... she stood in front of me and pulled me close, pulled my mouth onto her cock. Something I've always loved to do, but something that used to make me feel... powerful... yet somehow I felt.... taken and submissive more than I felt powerful. She knows how much I love to suck her cock, and knows it's her with all the power.... and so I gave into that.
She pulled away and beckoned me to the bed, but I hesitated. As sexy as all of this was, I was legitimately concerned for her body and checked in - wondering if it was really going to be okay with her knee and shoulder and so on. She got this evil twinkle in her eye and I knew she had a plan.
And.... yes... she did.
She sat on the bed, me standing in front of her.... and calmly told me that I was going to ride her.
.....
Oh.
See, in the past that was only something I did occasionally and when I did I often felt rather... um... power trippy? But, suddenly, I got very little and nervous and worried and shy. I didn't know how I felt about being on top! I was in a subbie head space and not exactly sure how it'd feel to be on top...... but it was clear I didn't have a choice.
Syr laid back and I wanted to bury my face in her chest and hide.... but she pulled me on top of her. And soon her cock was inside me and there I was... naked and moving on top of her, feeling the rough denim of her blue jeans against my sensitive bottom, feeling her hands on me..... and I got quickly lost.
I'd never imagined I could feel so little and so NOT in control while on top! She touched and held me, pulled me close, kissed me, took my breath, told me when I must stop and when I could move. And it ended up being not only incredibly hot but unlike anything I'd ever experienced.
Sometimes it stuns me how the things that used to make me feel like I had all the power, now seem to be the things that make me feel the most deliciously powerless.
Something tells me that we'll be playing that game again before too long...
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Growth In Service: Allowing for normal human emotion
This is a subject near and dear. It's been something that has been in the forefront of my personal work for a very long time. Years. Many years.
Allowing myself to express normal emotion - and having that be a safe and healthy thing - is still something I"m learning how to do.
It is through my submission to my Owner - that absolute safety that She offers me... something I'd never experienced to this degree before - that I am finally learning to get actually in touch with normal human emotion.
Learning that it's okay to FEEL anger.... frustration... annoyance... and other feelings I label as "negative" is part of learning to be mindful about how (or if) I choose to express those feelings to others - especially how I choose to express those feelings to my Owner.
Before learning it was okay to feel those feelings, I was often so overwhelmed by them, that I would explode. It wasn't productive from any perspective - and especially not within the perspective of an Owner/property dynamic.
But I am grateful.... because Syr knew. She knew that it wasn't just about getting me to shut up when I yelled. Or getting me "in hand". It was about addressing the underlying issue... teaching me that I was allowed to feel what I felt....
It has been one of the greatest gifts She ever gave me.
And sometimes I still struggle with remembering. But the point is, the groundwork has certainly been laid.
But I just realized something really important. Really important.
I can't remember the last time I completely lost my temper. I can't remember the last time I felt shaky with rage and indignation (something I used to feel whenever I got the slightest bit angry). In fact, I think it's been easily a year. Maybe two. Maybe I'm remembering wrong. Maybe there's been times. But they dwindled in frequency over such a long time...
This is an area I can look at and say, honestly..
Yes. Yes I have made progress. Lots of it.
Feeling humbled and grateful....
GROWTH IN SERVICE:
Conflict Checklist
Identifying when an 'issue' must be addressed right then.
Allowing for normal human emotion
Grumpy vs. angry, indirect vs. passive aggressive
Aim for at least a 60/40 split with Listening vs. Talking
How “mentally preparing” for next point interferes with listening
Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings
Ask, don’t tell Owner what Her feelings are
Waiting for the answer after asking a question
Not defending/countering
Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice
How not doing these things invalidates Owner’s feelings/emotions
The Reminder: “Who Owns Who?”
The purpose of the reminder, why was it necessary?
Understanding the risk Owner is taking in doing the reminding
Taking a moment to be grateful
Pause and reflect on behaviour – in line with protocol?
“Stop” – Respecting Owner’s boundaries/need for space
Hearing & respecting the first time (always an order)
Ego Removal
Thinking / Understanding
Trust
Seeking reassurance – appropriate time and place
Resolving conflict productively
Assigning blame - why?
“I’m sorry” versus processing / expressing remorse
Trusting Owner to apply correction when required
Post-conflict self-abuse (mental/verbal/physical) = lack of trust
Wallowing/Dwelling
Service and Mindfulness
Can one exist without the other?
Ways to cultivate mindfulness
Identify your intentions
Continual removal of conflicting thoughts
Service to Owner as service to self
Orders
What qualifies as an order
Who judges whether a request is important?
Bargaining
Recognition/Reward – want vs. need
The positive effects of obedience
Being aware of Owner’s needs & desires
Offering vs. Being asked
Identifying, Understanding, & Banishing fear with trust
Practice, Practice, Practice
Avoidance & Anxiety
Identify the block / inner objection
Processing anxiety
What’s driving it
Trusting
Working within self-expectations
Desired level of service vs Minimum level (keeping it realistic)
Trusting Owner to decide what is/is not an acceptable level of service
Identify the pleasure - Service to Owner as service to self
Eye contact
Keeping focus when receiving direction
Maintaining focus when responding
Looking at vs. looking through
Corrections
Hearing the correction
Understanding the correction
Ego removal
Responding and offering gratitude for the Correction
Expressing Gratitude
What the hell for?
Understanding the service your Top provides
You probably need it – even if you disagree.
Spiritual self-work
Neuro-Elasticity vs. Samskaras
The joy of sticking with it
Processing “negative” emotions
Identifying uncomfortable emotions
Examining the root – why is it so uncomfortable?
What is the fear - what’s the worst that could happen?
What to do with these emotions
Is it necessary to express verbally?
Productive ways to do so
Identifying coping mechanisms / Ways to process productively
The discipline of focus
Visualize goal
Removing distraction
Motivating self through reflecting on success
Learning to follow
Being patient
Micro-management
Identifying what the fear is
Remembering to trust
Being flexible and open minded as service
Being comfortable without a plan / Spontaneity
Creating false objections to stay in ‘safe zone’
Letting go and letting Owner be in charge
Indecision
Identifying when struggle for control is the root
Asking for help when needed
Respect
Identifying Milestones
Identifying smaller achievements
Remembering smaller achievements
Rewarding smaller achievements (bidirectionally)
Protocol
All Settings
Mindfulness of Tone / Voice
LISTENING: Learning to unfilter verbal information
Identifying the filter
Acknowledging the obstacle
Listening to precise language
SPEAKING: Learning to unfilter verbal information
Identifying the filter / desire to spin
Acknowledging the obstacle
Speaking precisely
Remaining open to response
Integrating mindfulness
Answering Questions
Giving a straightforward answer
Avoidance and defensiveness
Answering a question with a question
Interactions with others
Vanilla settings
Addressing Owner
Tone used with terms of endearment, use of first name
Walking / Travelling
Food & Beverage
Dining out
Family Leisure time
Public – kinky/private settings
Addressing Owner – Syr, Daddy, my Owner
Expectation removal
Verbalizing desires
Desire vs Need
Accepting answers/responses – with trust
Food & Beverage Service
Playtime
Providing sensual service
Verbalizing headspace/mood
Removal of intensity / impulse to drive a scenario
Providing feedback
How expectation removal allows for full immersion in scene
Aftercare
Allowing myself to express normal emotion - and having that be a safe and healthy thing - is still something I"m learning how to do.
It is through my submission to my Owner - that absolute safety that She offers me... something I'd never experienced to this degree before - that I am finally learning to get actually in touch with normal human emotion.
Learning that it's okay to FEEL anger.... frustration... annoyance... and other feelings I label as "negative" is part of learning to be mindful about how (or if) I choose to express those feelings to others - especially how I choose to express those feelings to my Owner.
Before learning it was okay to feel those feelings, I was often so overwhelmed by them, that I would explode. It wasn't productive from any perspective - and especially not within the perspective of an Owner/property dynamic.
But I am grateful.... because Syr knew. She knew that it wasn't just about getting me to shut up when I yelled. Or getting me "in hand". It was about addressing the underlying issue... teaching me that I was allowed to feel what I felt....
It has been one of the greatest gifts She ever gave me.
And sometimes I still struggle with remembering. But the point is, the groundwork has certainly been laid.
But I just realized something really important. Really important.
I can't remember the last time I completely lost my temper. I can't remember the last time I felt shaky with rage and indignation (something I used to feel whenever I got the slightest bit angry). In fact, I think it's been easily a year. Maybe two. Maybe I'm remembering wrong. Maybe there's been times. But they dwindled in frequency over such a long time...
This is an area I can look at and say, honestly..
Yes. Yes I have made progress. Lots of it.
Feeling humbled and grateful....
GROWTH IN SERVICE:
Conflict Checklist
Grumpy vs. angry, indirect vs. passive aggressive
Aim for at least a 60/40 split with Listening vs. Talking
How “mentally preparing” for next point interferes with listening
Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings
Ask, don’t tell Owner what Her feelings are
Waiting for the answer after asking a question
Not defending/countering
Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice
How not doing these things invalidates Owner’s feelings/emotions
The Reminder: “Who Owns Who?”
The purpose of the reminder, why was it necessary?
Understanding the risk Owner is taking in doing the reminding
Taking a moment to be grateful
Pause and reflect on behaviour – in line with protocol?
“Stop” – Respecting Owner’s boundaries/need for space
Hearing & respecting the first time (always an order)
Ego Removal
Thinking / Understanding
Trust
Seeking reassurance – appropriate time and place
Resolving conflict productively
Assigning blame - why?
“I’m sorry” versus processing / expressing remorse
Trusting Owner to apply correction when required
Post-conflict self-abuse (mental/verbal/physical) = lack of trust
Wallowing/Dwelling
Service and Mindfulness
Can one exist without the other?
Ways to cultivate mindfulness
Identify your intentions
Continual removal of conflicting thoughts
Service to Owner as service to self
Orders
What qualifies as an order
Who judges whether a request is important?
Bargaining
Recognition/Reward – want vs. need
The positive effects of obedience
Being aware of Owner’s needs & desires
Offering vs. Being asked
Identifying, Understanding, & Banishing fear with trust
Practice, Practice, Practice
Avoidance & Anxiety
Identify the block / inner objection
Processing anxiety
What’s driving it
Trusting
Working within self-expectations
Desired level of service vs Minimum level (keeping it realistic)
Trusting Owner to decide what is/is not an acceptable level of service
Identify the pleasure - Service to Owner as service to self
Eye contact
Keeping focus when receiving direction
Maintaining focus when responding
Looking at vs. looking through
Corrections
Hearing the correction
Understanding the correction
Ego removal
Responding and offering gratitude for the Correction
Expressing Gratitude
What the hell for?
Understanding the service your Top provides
You probably need it – even if you disagree.
Spiritual self-work
Neuro-Elasticity vs. Samskaras
The joy of sticking with it
Processing “negative” emotions
Identifying uncomfortable emotions
Examining the root – why is it so uncomfortable?
What is the fear - what’s the worst that could happen?
What to do with these emotions
Is it necessary to express verbally?
Productive ways to do so
Identifying coping mechanisms / Ways to process productively
The discipline of focus
Visualize goal
Removing distraction
Motivating self through reflecting on success
Learning to follow
Being patient
Micro-management
Identifying what the fear is
Remembering to trust
Being flexible and open minded as service
Being comfortable without a plan / Spontaneity
Creating false objections to stay in ‘safe zone’
Letting go and letting Owner be in charge
Indecision
Identifying when struggle for control is the root
Asking for help when needed
Respect
Identifying Milestones
Identifying smaller achievements
Remembering smaller achievements
Rewarding smaller achievements (bidirectionally)
Protocol
All Settings
Mindfulness of Tone / Voice
LISTENING: Learning to unfilter verbal information
Identifying the filter
Acknowledging the obstacle
Listening to precise language
SPEAKING: Learning to unfilter verbal information
Identifying the filter / desire to spin
Acknowledging the obstacle
Speaking precisely
Remaining open to response
Integrating mindfulness
Answering Questions
Giving a straightforward answer
Avoidance and defensiveness
Answering a question with a question
Interactions with others
Vanilla settings
Addressing Owner
Tone used with terms of endearment, use of first name
Walking / Travelling
Food & Beverage
Dining out
Family Leisure time
Public – kinky/private settings
Addressing Owner – Syr, Daddy, my Owner
Expectation removal
Verbalizing desires
Desire vs Need
Accepting answers/responses – with trust
Food & Beverage Service
Playtime
Providing sensual service
Verbalizing headspace/mood
Removal of intensity / impulse to drive a scenario
Providing feedback
How expectation removal allows for full immersion in scene
Aftercare
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