Red

Things have been very busy in our household lately.

My Owner and I have been busy revamping a lot of things around the house. I've actually really enjoyed all the cleaning and re-organizing and such. There has also been some discussion around the types of domestic service that Syr will likely begin introducing into our day to day life - which is interesting, and kind of exciting.

But, my main reason for writing is to process something that happened yesterday.

Syr and I were bantering, and playing a bit, there were kisses and a bit of the fun kind of bratting (on my part, obviously) and some struggling (also on my part), and we were having fun. But, at a certain point, Syr decided it was time for it to stop so She did what She often does in these sort of moments and stops everything with a bit of intentional pain.

This was not a disciplinary sort of thing. It was a show of power, so to speak. She has used this same method many times and what usually happens is that She makes me physically uncomfortable, somewhat unexpectedly. Whether it be pulling my hair in the not fun place, or squeezing a body part very hard or some such, but when I complain, She doesn't stop - instead, She holds the position and maintains the pain level, reminding me to breathe. This is a very effective way for Her to remind me that ultimately, She is in control. It is never physically pleasant, but at a certain point, usually shortly after She reminds me to breathe, I just sort of melt. I soften into it. I surrender. Afterwards, I usually feel soft and compliant.

But, yesterday morning, the method She chose - most conveniently, was to bite me... on my cheek.  It's not like She's never bitten me before. And it wasn't a chomp. It was more like a bite-hold, where Her teeth hold a steady pressure. And, like usual, I was not liking the sensation. I was whimpering and asking Her to stop, as I usually do. But She reminded me to breathe.  And instead of softening, I was still feeling the bad kind of pain. I wasn't melting. I wasn't relaxing. Something about this particular spot, or my headspace at the time, made me feel panicky. I wasn't sure if I was just panicking because I wasn't in control or if I was panicking because it hurt. But I started to get really mad at Her for doing it to me. This is the opposite reaction that I usually have. I didn't communicate any of that. I just started to freak out. I started crying and then I tried to push Her away.

She stopped and pulled me close, holding me tightly while I cried and kept trying to push Her away. As I started to calm down, She asked very compassionately... "Honey, why didn't you call 'red'"?

I just told Her I didn't know.

We talked about it at length after, and off and on throughout the day. I'm still not sure if I would have really been able to identify what was happening to me soon enough to call out a safeword. But, we also realized as we talked that I really never safeword. It's not that I've never hit a limit in a scene... and it's also not that I've been in the habit of letting myself get beyond reasonable limits. Partly, it's that I've tended to only play very hard with people I know very, very well and who know me (and my responses and reactions) very, very well - so before I get too close to my absolute stopping point, the person inflicting the pain reads me and knows it's time to stop. So, I suppose, in that way, I just haven't had to worry about it very much.

But, partly, I think I also have a bit of a block about calling a safeword. I trust my Owner, implicitly. I know She would  never do anything intended to harm me... ever. So, generally I push through any emotional or mental resistance and I just submit to whatever is happening. But, also, I have a very manipulative and controlling personality - or I know I have the capacity to be. So I don't know that I trust myself not to safeword just to get out of something unpleasant. I don't think I'd do that... but I don't necessarily trust myself not to...

So we talked a lot about that and also about the idea of using a medium sorta safeword like yellow where I can let Her know there's a problem. And we talked about how I do need to take responsibility if I feel my headspace shifting to something so negative and that I need to safeword in those situations because She has no way to know, ESPECIALLY because our play often includes some bratting and/or resistance from me.  But Syr also spent a lot of time reassuring me that She would never ever take it personally if I safeword or if I have a problem with something. I know that, logically, but it was very reassuring to hear it.

I'm still not entirely sure what the solution is, exactly, but to get some more experience safewording (hopefully yellow and not red - LOL).  But I do feel very comforted following all our discussion about it. If my block was due to some sort of self-consciousness, I feel like we probably worked through anything that might have caused that. So, that's progress. I don't see us running into situations like this very often. We don't play with very heavy S/M most of the time. There are some edgy things we include in our play, but rarely anything particularly extreme. However, there are obviously little odd things that can come up now and then, like they did yesterday), that we both need to be aware of and prepared for.  In that way, this was probably a really good learning experience.

Domestic Service

Syr was reading my blog this evening and pointed out that it seems like all I'm blogging about lately are the hard things.

It's an easy habit to fall into. After all, this journey of submission and slavery - for me - is very much about facing the hard things and growing, not only as my Owner's slave, but as a person. Writing is a very effective outlet for me so I frequently find myself playing out the hard things on my blog. Syr appreciates the effectiveness of the writing - but was, appropriately, concerned that I might look back on the last couple dozen posts and get down on myself for all the difficulties lately.

So I thought I'd add another blog post this evening to discuss some other things that have been going on.

Lately, we have been re-finding our D/s groove. It's been challenging to balance a 24/7 Owner/slave relationship with the lack of privacy that two nearly adult (and now adult!) children in the home causes. When we first got together, the boys were younger (and went to bed early!), but we went through a sudden shift and extreme lack of privacy during their older adult years. Now that they're both adults and really building their own lives outside of the home it is getting easier for us to re-find the rituals and protocols that become wonderful touchstones in our day to day dynamic.

There are many wonderful little rituals that keep me in my place: sleeping in my collar (as long as I've not lost the privilege through bad behaviour...), referring to Her as Syr as often as possible (which is a LOT more often, lately), making Her coffee, the time-outs and devotionals, re-instituting the three-sentence posts (which I now post over on www.butchfemmekink.com), and other little service things.

But, perhaps because of recent growth, and perhaps because I now feel 'ready', what has been on my mind the most the last few weeks is - domestic service.

Domestic service (as in the more intense sort, not my little daily chores), is something that has been pretty iffy for me in the past.

I had some experiences when I was new to BDSM, that exposed me to situations where I thought that domestic service was going to be a hard limit. I served a Domme once in this capacity and found that the amount of pressure put on me (mostly by myself) to be absolutely perfect in every chore was just too overwhelming. Then, my I served a Master whom I could only see part time and because he ran a household with small children and pets, the mess was overwhelming and would have literally taken all my time with him had I been given the task. It became something that I simply communicated to Dominants, up front, that it was not the sort of thing I felt good about.

Yet, oddly, lately... it's been on my mind. It's a bit erotic to think about, which is totally new for me.

A couple of weekends ago, Syr had me vacuuming - just a simple chore. But at one point started spanking my bottom while I vacuumed, ordering me not to stop or get distracted as I completed the task - being followed by Her, spanked by Her while I completed the chore. It was so hot.

But it's not just this little sexy scene that got me thinking about it. We, as a married couple, have lots of mundane responsibilities that need attending to... and Syr, having been a single mother for years in the past, tends to automatically do a lot of the houseworky type of stuff and we both tend to take that for granted because it's just so automatic. But I've found it bothering me a lot lately that She seems to be doing more housework than me! It seems kinda unfair, being that I'm the slavegirl and all.

Actually, it seems REALLY unfair. She likes to cook, so that's one thing. But who likes to scrub out the bathtub? I mean, really? And so if I find out that She's done these sort of things, I feel this weird feeling inside like ... "hey! that's my job!" but...  this has never been a part of our dynamic in the past.

(I can totally picture other slaves erupting in wild guffaws at the idea of a slave NOT doing the majority of the housework but... well.. that HAS been the way of it).

So, it's been on my mind SO much that I broached the subject with Syr today. Partly because it's been all I could think about all weekend long. I found myself actually craving it, but not sure how to ask. I mean, for someone who doesn't love housework (me), it felt a little weird that all I really wanted was to go up to my Owner and ask for a list of chores She'd like me to complete. I wasn't really sure with what to do with this new found sense of duty. And I don't say that to belittle myself in any way. It's just that this is new for me.

Syr admitted that She, too, has been thinking more about domestic service lately.. but She knew my background and the reasons why I've been hesitant in this area and She wasn't willing to press the issue until She felt I was ready. My broaching the subject told Her I was ready. So I think the expectations on me around domestic service will be changing... very soon.

She mentioned perhaps sending me off to clean one room, top to bottom - when the idea strikes Her. I have to say, the idea appealed to me in this totally odd way.

It's late, so I'm not sure I'm wording my thoughts very coherently but there you have it. I swore for many years that I was not cut out to be a domestic slave - and yet - here I am.

I think a large part of that is that my submission to my Owner has been and continues to be a very in depth journey. In many ways, we are both growing into ourselves and our roles in an organic manner. There are things we never dreamed would be part of our dynamic five years ago, but now couldn't imagine being without.  So much has changed and evolved over time, that I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at this latest.

I'm interested to see where this goes...

Sunday Devotional: Accepting

A lesson learned this afternoon - on accepting my Owner's direction, EVEN (hmm, or especially), when I think there's been a misunderstanding or a miscommunication.

This afternoon, I admitted to Syr that I was fixating on a particular activity. I had a linear plan to do something for Syr (haircut) before doing this particular activity (taking a bath). I was trying to rush Syr to the haircut because I really wanted to cut Her hair.... but the rushing was because I was fixating on a bath.

Well, when I admitted to Syr that I was fixating, She seemed a little displeased and told me to go take my bath. Her displeasure made me feel freaked out because I didn't want Her to think I wasn't excited about Her haircut. But She pointed out that if I was fixating on the bath then my attention wouldn't be on the haircut. I didn't want to believe that to be true. I thought ... to myself - I LOVE giving Syr haircuts! So of course I would enjoy it and be attentive... so I argued.

And arguing with Her never leads to a good resolution for either of us. She said that I told Her my headspace and She made a decision based on that headspace.She also ordered me to do a 10 minute time out (and then have my bath). I argued a little bit longer (not good) but then went upstairs.

My timeout is now over and... naturally.. I realize She was right. That seems to always happen. She was right that my attention was not where it needed to be. it's unfortunate because I would have preferred serve Her (haircut) before me (bath). BUT ... looking back... Her decision makes sense. Get the bath taken care of and then when/if haircut time rolls around, She won't have to worry that my attention is diverted.

Oops. :(

So, another lesson learned the hard way. But, I realized that I need to work ... a hell of a lot harder than I have been... on acceptance. This has been a running theme lately. I accept Her leadership when things seem smooth and I can tell that She is happy with me. But accepting Her direction and leadership when I am panicking that I've displeased Her is not so easy and it's come up a lot for us in the last few weeks. The moment She said - Okay, go have your bath (the first time). I should have remembered my place and said "yes, Syr" and come up for my bath without question. Instead, *I* got overly worried about Her displeasure with me instead of accepting Her decision and then spending some time thinking through WHY She would have made that decision.

Because as soon as I did think about it - it made perfect sense.

So.. acceptance is a big thing I need to spend a lot of my energy on for a while. Accepting Her decisions, ESPECIALLY when She's making those decisions from a place of displeasure with me. Because those are Her attempts to salvage an unpleasant situation and put an end to any unpleasantness She may be experiencing. If I try to convince Her not to be displeased with me - I only make the situation worse.

I struggle around issues of trust and obedience - as much as I trust Her more than any other in my life, and even though I desire nothing more than to be Her obedient and good little girl - there is a lot of healing work W/we've been doing with me because of things in my past and these issues do arise.

So, accept first. Then think. THEN if there are still unknown, respectfully ask questions later. That is my goal.