Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Real fear, real surrender, and bliss

It's interesting.  Prior to the fear play workshop at Mayhem, I really thought I had done a good bit of fear play.  But really, I hadn't.

A couple of days ago, my Owner took a plastic grocery bag and held it over my mouth and nose, tightly - preventing me from being able to breathe.   It began like our other breathplay - which historically only lasted 2-5 seconds, I would say.  But it lasted longer... and unlike other forms of breathplay, a simple twist of my head wouldn't move the plastic away and suddenly give me my breath back.  I was fully at my Owner's mercy with regard to when and how I would take my next breath.  It didn't go on as long as it could have (45 seconds is a commonly acceptable safe limit for breathplay and several sources say that most people won't faint from loss of oxygen for at least a minute and a half).  It went on for maybe 10-15 seconds.  It was long enough to feel like eternities longer than any other time She's ever kept me from breathihng, but not long enough to feel as if I was in true danger.

And yet, despite the logic and the knowledge that I was perfectly safe, there was suddenly an element of actual fear.  It wasn't like "oooh you're so big and tough", but my brain sending the signals to the rest of me that it was maybe going to have to fight for it's life.  And the whole time my Owner's eyes were locked on mine and when She moved the bag away and I took that first big breath and leaned forward against Her chest, I felt the truest surrender I have ever felt.

I am Hers, completely, and the trust between us allowed for me to struggle - only slightly - while I fought for air.  And when I had breath again, my feelings were a swirl of emotion and soft submission.  That sensation of fear, actual physiological fear was the most amazing thing ever.  The entire world dropped away and there was only Her.  I floated along through the remainder of my evening in a place of soft surrender and I just stayed there.  It was, of all the things we have ever done together, the deepest into my submission I have ever gone...the 'drop', the intensity of how little and owned and held I felt far surpassed any other form of play or pain that I have ever experienced.

Just before bed last night, She did it again, sans props, She pressed Her hand tightly over my mouth and pinched my nose shut - with enough pressure that I couldn't wriggle away and we locked eyes again.  This time, I struggled as She began to count up the seconds.   at 11 or 12 seconds, she reached to tickle me which made me try to gasp - and when I couldn't get breath I struggled harder, and whimpered against the palm of Her hand pressed so tightly against my mouth and still She held.  I think She let go at 15-20seconds or so, and yet it felt like forever.

She let go and as I took two or three big gulps of air, I kept my eyes on Her and just stared into Her eyes, hyperfocused on Her and positively in awe of Her, Her power, Her control, Her ownership of me.  She allowed me to play then, and when I neared my first orgasm, She took my breath again, and then ordered me to cum.  As my body convulsed in small shudders of pleasure, my mind grasped for a chance for air and as my orgasm just began to subside, my Owner gave air back to me, and I thanked Her.

I remember very little after that besides being drifting off to sleep floating in the pure, sweet, bliss of surrender.

Mayhem ~ Simply Incredible

It's been a couple of weeks now, since Mayhem, and I kept meaning to come in here and write out all the juicy details but my mundane life and natural propensity for procrastination kept getting in the way.  Oopsy!

But not to worry, I haven't forgotten a thing.  It was a very memorable weekend.

Friday night was registration, the meet and greet, and the first play party - to kick the weekend off.  I was actually feeling pretty shy but it was a lot of fun walking around and checking out the vendors goodies!  There was a reception area with the most delectable treats including an erotic cake of a woman's torso, complete with full bare breasts - all bound up with lots of lovely rope.

The play party was simply wonderful.  We managed to get a nice spot near a wall where we coul watch other scenes and still have a table and chairs to get comfy.  Most of the time when we go to public play space together, the thing that I look forward to most is being able to lay out my fur an kneel at my Owner's feet and that's the first thing we did.

We enjoyed the energy of the space, all female, all kinky, and delightfully debaucherous.  I just remember feeling as though we we were soaking it all up like sponges, letting it fill us and sate our hunger.

But of course, it wasn't going to stop there.  We were conveniently seated literally right next to a St. Andrew's Cross and my Owner wasn't going to let an opportunity like that slip away..  so She put me against it and gave me the most delightful and heavy spanking, and caning, and flogging.  *purrr*  It was just what we both needed - an opportunity to be loud and really indulge in the energy exchange without having to hold back to preserve privacy or silence.  She loved making me cry out with each stroke of Her hand, or cane, or flogger..... and I just loved being able to *let* it out.

Saturday, we slept in nice and late before heading over to the hotel for a workshop on fear and terror play.  It was an incredible workshop and we both enjoyed it so much.  

My schoolgirl-dressed friend got to volunteer for a gorgeous breathplay demonstration where the presenter used a black latex ski mask over her face.  It was breath-taking (I know... that was a groaner of a bad pun right?).  In all seriousness it was hot and erotic and beautiful all at once.  The mask covered her face but showed all the contours of her eyes, nose, and mouth.  And the pigtail-breads she was wearing high  on her head really just completed the look.  She was dressed as a girl-guide and at least one person suggested she get a badge for that!  And - my Owner and I both learned a lot about breath play safety in that workshop which ended up being put to VERY good use pretty recently actually (I'm such a tease - more on that in a bit).

Other highlights from the workshop were watching a woman get fucked with a knife, while blindfolded (complete with safety and how-to talk) and watched a mindfuck involving a chainsaw.  It was hot.  It was REALLY hot.  But what was the most amazing thing to me was watching how raptly Syr paid attention, and how Her eyes lit up.  She'd never been to a workshop like that before, and I could see all these little evil, sadistic switches flicking to the on position behind Her eyes.  I could seriously watch that look all day long.

After the workshop, Syr purchased a pack of 20 high gauge needles (25) & alcohol pads as She was hoping to get an opportunity to learn to do play piercings on something.  It's something we've both been wanting to explore together for a long time as quiet, intense play is our favourite thing - in part because of our lack of privacy and in part because we both thrive on more psychologically impactive play.  But, as I've only been pierced once before, She really wanted to learn from someone who was really comfortable with it before putting sharp things in me.  Pretty smart, huh? 

After the workshop and changing into more appropriate attire, we made an appearance at the formal reception where we admired some AMAZING attire including our earlier fear workshop presenter (an incredibly sexy butch) in leather pants, tophat, and tails. *swoon*  There were others there too but. well... yeah.  *blush*

Saturday night, it was time to head over to the dungeon for the rest of the evening's festivities.  

The first part: Tastings!!  I was probably more excited about Tastings than the rest of the conference combined.  The concept was simple - volunteers who felt they had a particularly specialized skill that they felt confident/experienced in would offer small 'demos' of a variety of activities, not scenes, but 'tastes'.  There was an amazing variety of things to try there and we didn't even get a chance to watch all the stations, the time went by so quickly.  But here's a non-inclusive list: flogging, play-piercing (needles), punching/boxing, single-tail, clothespins, tit torture, spanking, caning, branding, and cell popping.

I started out watching the punching station with fascination.  There was a lot more talking than actual punching but I learned a lot and it was fun watching someone hear about how and where and how hard you can really just punch someone with boxing gloves and the types of gloves, etc.

my Owner took me to the singletail station almost immediately.  The single tail station was being led by someone who had been doing some amazing singletail work that was full of amazing energy on Friday night that we'd both been admiring.  I was terrified.  I love the sound of the singletail but there had only ever been one time I'd enjoyed being on the receiving end - and that was with someone whom I knew was very skilled and whose touch with the singletail was so light that it was not much more than a tickle.  But up I went after much whimpering, and after my Owner described the type of sensations She wanted me to experience, the demo began.  

There are really not many words to express how incredible it was.  It was thrilling and scary and amazing.  Most of the touches with the single-tail were incredibly light, brushing my clothes or just whispering across my skin.  Two very accurate strikes really hurt and they were very deliberate, one to each shoulder blade area on my back.  Each left me with lovely welts for most of the evening and had me floating high to the next station...

Syr surprised Herself by being so comfortable with the tastings.  We are monogomous and the idea of having me 'play' with others isn't really something either of us are into.  And yet because these weren't scenes, She had great fun deciding what She wanted me to experience next.  We thankfully passed by the cell popping and instead went to watch play piercing for a bit.  Syr very respecfully asked both the piercer and the piercee if it was okay for us to observe/learn and both parties were accomodating.  Syr had intended to ask someone we know personally who is experienced with needles for a more one on one 'lesson' but that was not likely to be until later and She was very excited (I was too - shhh). 

Syr took me to the caning station next, and a really sweet boi talked to us about the different kinds of canes, and the materials used to make them and I got to feel a really cool bunch of canes that were bound together and one really nice thick heavy cane.  The thick, heavy cane was fascinating.  It was stingy and thuddy at the same time.  The sting part was ouchy but then it would be followed by this deep thuddy sensation that would give me goosebumps.

By the time we were done at that station, tastings were over and (after Syr took an evil-break to insert a benwaball-style toy inside me) we spent a long and lovely time together just sitting and discussing it all, chatting with our friends - all the while with me at Her feet *happy sigh*

After a long visit and relaxing time, Syr found a spot for us to play, put me on my tummy with my back exposed and worked my back over with Her knife. With all the energy and sounds around us, I really just floated while the cold, sharp blade worked along my sensitive skin.  She remarked a small starburst pattern She'd first marked a week or so before that, and added a lot of other things in thin stinky scratchy-welts all over my skin.  I remember feeling so small and begging for Her to take my breath and She would oblige with a few moments of breath play and then would go back to my back with Her knife.

She snuggled me and we socialized more after that for most of the remainder of the evening.  But then we were able to match schedules with the person she was hoping to learn needles from, someone we're both comfy with and so with me sitting, still floaty from all the play and energy of the evening, on my fur - our friend and my Owner pierced each of my breasts with five needles, and then played with them - a lot.  The energy of the piercing was fun, playful and for me - floaty and bliss-like.  Our friend told us the necessary safety information and also some tips for how to play with the needles... and we both enjoyed it very much, and had 10 left over for playing with at home (until we get more).  The fine gauge was perfect for me... the endorphin rush for me is still really wonderful whether the needles are thin or thick - and the psychological impact is the same.  Syr even picked up some tips on ways to lace them together and pull on them and such that She's looking forward to playing with.  

We both fell into bed exhausted Saturday night and slept in on Sunday morning, once again. 

Sunday afternoon we accompanied another friend to the energy-pull (hook-pull), our last planned activity of the day.  That was absolutely incredible.  The gauge of the hooks is quite small (they are thick hooks), so I am not sure I'd ever be able to participate in something like that myself, but the energy in the room was amazing.  It was highly spiritual and floaty and lovely.   Syr would come up behind me and I would lean back against Her and just feel like I was flying. 

Oh.. and I made friends with a leatherdog, which makes me really happy.  Haven't connected with him since then, but I hope to!   I hope to one day play with the leatherdogs whilst in little girl mode.  That just sounds like so so much fun!

After we got home from the energy-pull, we both crashed big time.  I experienced sub-drop for the first time, ever.  For a couple of days I was weepy and emotional and temperamental, kind of like PMS, but not.  It was really fascinating.  

All in all - an incredibly rewarding experience.  It really makes me want to find a way to make it to Wicked Womyn, but alas - that is probably not very likely.  And that's ok.  I'm grateful for the experiences that I have had.

7 Things Meme

I was tagged by Dracona (who delurked to tag me which has me all super excited... it's fun to know there are people out there who are reading what I write, and thrilling in a really unique way)

Rules:
1. Link to your original tagger and list these rules in your post
2. Share 7 facts about yourself in the post
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post, leave their names & links to their blogs
4. Let them know they've been tagged

Okay, so for some facts!  Let me see if I can do some naughty/exciting ones.

1.  I spent many years being polyamorous both in and out of the kink lifestyle.  Some parts of this poly history were really amazing, powerful, uplifting, and full of opportunities for growth and so - so much love.  And some were full of pain and heartache, frustration and jealousy.  Over time, I discovered that when I was poly, I was poly to please my partner or Dominant, or to fulfill an unmet need - but that it ultimately was an unhealthy choice for myself.  That was an important lesson to learn.  I was bitter about it for a while, but I think that now I can look back on the positives with a smile and not dwell too much on the negatives.  Overall - it was definitely a learning experience.

2.  My Owner and I had spent approximately 7-8 days of actual time in person together before She proposed to me, and collared me (same day).   We had spent over a year being very close and spending 5-6 hours a day together online, web-conferencing with voice & cams, and talking on the phone before we met, and after the first visit, finally realized we had fallen in love long before that, and decided to do something about it.  The formal proposal took place my second visit.  The story of our marriage and relationship is far more complicated than that - but it will only make us sound crazier..so there you have it.

3. I love porn.  I love video porn.  I love dirty, raunchy, realistic and most of all MESSY porn.   And ironically, all the things that I am not the least bit interested in, in real life I LOVE watching on porn.  You won't catch me watching dyke porn (unless it's REALLY good or butch/femme porn which I just haven't found).  No, no, I watch straight porn with lots of good ol' vanilla raunchy sex.  Good stuff.

4. I'm a size queen.  I may be queer, but I love the feeling of cock.  My Owner's cock is enormous, seriously, I can wrap my hand around it but my fingers don't touch.  And we both love the way it makes me feel when She first claims me... the ever present wide-eyed mix of surprise and a touch of pain as I am filled with something so huge.  

5. I wear three things my Owner gifted to me as symbols of Her Ownership: Her collar (a silver bracelet on my right wrist), our wedding band and engagement ring (engagement ring is engraved with "Her little girl" and wedding band with "you belong to Me"), and an elaborate tattoo on my upper back and neck of a very special lock (she has the key designed to fit it tattooed on her chest).

(This is hard!!)

6. I have a major school-girl and cheerleader uniform fetish.  It's clearly all about the pleated skirt.  I mean I would love to wear them if it pleased my Owner, but my major fetish is watching other school-girls or cheerleaders!  I wouldn't really know what to do with one if I got my hands on one.  At Mayhem a particular school-girl let me reach under her skirt and grab her bum a few times, which was great fun - and really I was quite contented with that.

7. I have written a full length novel (thanks to NaNoWriMo) outlining a sex-positive kinky culture with its own set of rules and politics that is fully immersive and hope to one day polish it and submit it to a kinky pansexually friendly publisher who is interested in an immersive story that has too much depth to be the kind of porn one would lie in bed and masturbate to and contains far too much kink and sex to be considered a garden variety romance novel.

I don't want to be a funsucker but I'm not going to tag 7 people, though I dearly hope that anyone who wants to participate will! It's a fun meme!