Good slave or Bad slave?

Syr was reading some posts on fetlife the other day and one thread in particular caught Her attention.  A question had been asked by a frustrated poster about whether or not readers hold their partners to impossibly high standards and how that helps or hinders them.  I was asked to review the thread and responses and write about it.

Honestly, this subject is so perasive in the kink community as to be well beyond redundant.  It seems one of two things is almost always going on: Either we're busy building up hype around the stereotypical standard of what makes a good Master or a good slave (or bottom, submissive, etc) or we're busy complaining about the impossible standard.

And ... honestly I've been a member of both camps.  In the first camp of building up the hype/stereotype it's often in relations to myself.  I find that I often measure myself against other submissives or slaves and questioning whether I'm good enough.  Really it's no different than the way I fall into the nasty habit of comparing myself to other women, other femmes, other coworkers, etc.  I seem to have a lot of old programming and old bad habits surrounding my perceptions of my self, skewing them.  The slightest mistake can leave me feeling worthless and unlovable.  It's hard to overcome this instinctual self-depreciation, especially after a period of bad behaviour or after losing my temper. :(

But, one thing is glaringly obvious - no sane person expects their partner to be perfect.  That impossible standard I sometimes hold myself to is my own - not my Owner's.  She is perfectly content to own me - even with all my imperfections.  She's knows I'm a work-in-progress and it is largely through Her endless patience and loving instruction that I have done so much growing during the time She's owned me.  Why then do I become so paralyzed with fear whenever I mis-step?

A huge part of my personality is to be a people-pleaser.  And who do I most desperately want to please more than my Owner, my Daddy?  It makes sense that I struggle with impossible standards that I set for myself.  But it makes more sense that I work on learning to trust.  She thinks I'm special, and so I am.  

Holidays with Daddy

This was an amazing holiday with my Daddy!

For presents, i got my Daddy a new dremel-style tool, a Happy Bunny calendar, an LED flashlight multi-tool thingie, and a Bread Machine which was Her big gift.... oh yes and a Costco-sized package of yeast for bread-making so She could start right away. *grins*  

Daddy got me the Onyx booster deck for my Killer Bunnies and the Quest for the Magic Carrot game,  Animal Crossing City Folk for the Wii, an Idog Amp'd, and most special of all: a new bracelet-collar to wear.  My last one broke several months ago and I had been missing this physical reminder of Her ownership.

It feels good to finger it, touch it, look at it, feel the weight of it on my wrist, like a security blanket.  Maybe that's silly, it is - after all - just an object and does not make or break my status as Her owned little girl and slave.   But that's ok.  I love to love it. :)

Obedience

My Owner and I have had lots of intense conversation lately.

I'm calling it conversation because saying we've had several *arguments* doesn't sound as pretty. ;)

Okay so it wasn't pretty. I have issues and lots of them, and I know it. I've made tremendous leaps and bounds of improvement, but sometimes those issues still get the better of me.

It looks a little something like this:
Syr says something Her slave doesn't like.
slave behaves badly/acts out
Syr gets angry/frustrated
slave rewinds events in her head and realizes she was behaving REALLY badly.
slave learns valuable lesson(s)

The three steps to pleasing my Owner have become a sort of running guideline for my goals and work on my slavery and obedience. They come to mind often, and are often used as a benchmark when discussing things that 'go wrong'. Usually if something unpleasant occurs between us it's because I either didn't shut up, didn't listen, and/or didn't do what I was told.

It's interesting how something so basic can be applied to virtually every unpleasant moment!

After the last one, though, one thing became crystal clear. I've not been doing much of any of those three things lately.

Yesterday, I began making a very conscious effort to be almost hyper aware whenever my Owner asks anything of me. Whether or not She is polite or words her request as - a request - I've consciously just gotten up and done it without question, simply trusting. She asked me last night to write about how I feel about that.

It's interesting because two emotions are obvious right away when I just simply and quietly obey: pride in my service and surprise at how easy it is.

It's amazing how much easier things feel and how much smoother the machine of our family operates when I obey. And it feels good.

One of the things I need to continue to work on is trust. I trust my Owner more than I've trusted anyone I've ever known or met. And yet sometimes I still struggle. Most of the time when I've failed to shut up, listen, or obey - it can be traced back to a trust issue. And so that is at the root of my work.

Each time I simply do what I'm told - and experience something positive as a result, even if it's just a smile on my Owner's face or the feeling of having accomplished something, it reinforces the trust that obedience truly is what's best for both of us.... that the world isn't going to come to a screeching halt.

That's a really good thing for both of us.