Syr asked me to post about this little exchange we had this evening because, I think, she takes great pleasure and amusement in my... suffering.
Shocking, huh? ;)
Syr and I have a full disclosure marriage, relationship, friendship, and dynamic. As such, we don't have secrets from each other, period. We've always been that way. It's interesting because it's allowed me a sense of security unlike anything I've ever known. I trust Her more than I have likely trusted any other human being I've ever known.
One of the intersting byproducts of this pure trust and unquestioning full disclosure situation is that I do NOT have the ability to keep anything from Her. At all. In fact, even gifts are hard to keep a secret.
So... let's say I was doing something like one of my bad habits (chewing my nails, as an example), and she suspects that's what I'm doing but can't see me (like she asks from another room).
It goes a little like this, usually and only IF I try to deny it.
"Are you biting your nails, little girl?"
"Um... no?" (yes, with a ? I suck at denials too)
"are you telling me the truth?"
"No" *pout*
And that's the end of that.
However, most of the time, if I've done something bad, I end up confessing it. This amuses Her to some degree, always, because She fully admits it makes her job easier. ;)
But sometimes, it's extra amusing... sort of like this evening:
I was chewing this one spot of my fingernail, and Syr says "stop that!" And I tried to explain that I had this one spot on it that was bothering me. And so She told me to go "take care of it properly". So I headed to the bathroom, which sort of implied I was headed for a fingernail file, or clippers or... something.
Now... the reality is, that my teeth do the job, and I was a little hyper at the time, so I think I knew that I was going to do was go in the bathroom and bite off that little bit that was bugging me, anyway, and halfway down the hall, I raised my finger to my mouth and...
*SCREAM* as Syr was RIGHT behind me and growled: "WHAT are you doing?"
"Meep." came the sound out of me.
So then Syr clued in - that I was going to the bathroom to "take care of it properly" by not taking care of it properly and simply using the opportunity out of sight to bite the offending nailbit off.
She asked me if that was what I intended to do and I just started laughing.
It's important to point out, at this time in the story, that when I am being questioned or under duress, I laugh - inappropriately. Syr knows it (thank goodness) but couldn't help laughing herself in response. Interestingly, the D/s energy between us was still very strong during this exchange.
So I admit that yes that's what I was doing... but I'm laughing and trying not to look at Her and I can feel that verbal spewing of confession bubbling just underneath the surface and I just desperately need to get away from Her at that moment so I don't blurt out something really bad...
And then She says something else, I can't remember exactly what but along the lines of repeating back to me what i was about to do: "So you were about to NOT obey me and instead just use the privacy of the bathroom to chew your nail anyway?"
And then spewed forth the verbal (giggling) duress-filled spontaneous confession: "but that's what I ALWAYS do!"
No... i didn't intend to say it, it just came out. And the horror on my face immediately after it left my lips sent Syr into peals of laughter so intense that she had tears at the corners of her eyes and of course in response to Her laughter, I'm laughing even harder, and we're both laughing and yet throughout the ENTIRE exchange, I am WELL aware that I'm in big trouble, and She is certainly not about to ignore the admission...
So I try to shut myself up because for some reason at that moment, I just knew that somehow I was going to end up saying something else to get myself in trouble.
Syr's amused enough that she decides now is a good time to take advantage of the situation and ask if there was anything else I had to confess.
Thankfully, I don't think there was, because - I really don't keep things from her. The nailbiting bathroom habit thing wasn't exactly something I was doing intentionally or thinking about.
Of course, after this exchange of laughing so hard, I really DID have to use the bathroom!! But, since I was still in big trouble, Syr followed me into the bathroom and almost stayed to watch - and that was a reality check if there ever was one! I've got serious bathroom shyness... I think She made Her point though. No more biting my nails behind closed doors.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Giving Submission
I haven't posted much lately, here. There has just been a lot going on in our lives. But on many levels, whenever something big happens in our life together, it usually yields new growth and new opportunities.
Over the last week or so, I had a couple of really amazing "light bulb" moments about myself. Recognizing those things, dealing with them, and being honest about them has really helped me to grow and also, in some ways, to shed some old nasty patterns that were really ready to go.
I still fall into old habits, sure, but growth - small or large - always feels really empowering and healing.
One of the wonderful side effects of this growth was a realization that I needed to work on not trying so hard to 'make' Syr have to work for my submission. The wording of that is all kinds of inflammatory, which I am well aware of - but it's the most honest way I know how to put it.
A healthy D/s dynamic takes the work of both parties to maintain. Syr's responsibilities in that include establishing and maintaining my boundaries, or "containing" me (a term I've really come to identify with after reading on persephone's blog). My responsibilities include trusting Syr to do just that (and actually letting her) as well as owning my end of the deal by actually giving Her my submission with and without provocation from Her.
I think it's easy to fall into the trap of wanting a Dominant to take charge, be in control, and be responsible for the D/s and whether it succeeds or fails. But I realized that sometimes I expect Her to do like ALL the work. I don't LITERALLY think that way, but that's really what it boils down to. When I'm craving a drop, I really want that from Her - some action or reminder.
But over the course of the last few days, I've realized that I don't do enough on my own, without Her prompting. I do some, yes. I communicate and I own my needs and I make offers and when we are definitely in private and I am free to express myself, I often will fall to my knees at Her feet or fall into a soft subspace. Yet - in our regular (and by all purposes "vanilla") activities, I lose sight of my vows to Her, and of my responsibility in maintaining the 24/7 energy between us.
And I realized that when we are in a 'vanilla' setting or mood or what-have-you, and She asks me for something, that I don't treat Her, always, with the same respect I would were we in different moods, or in private. Living without the ability to exercise the full extent of that respect due to privacy issues has created a sort of dividing line between the respect She gets when we are in a D/s headspace, and that she gets the 'rest' of the time. And this has established some not so hot patterns.
So when I realized this, I decided to make a conscious effort to change it. When She asks for something, now, I do it. It seems simple, but in the usual every day mundane activities, it's not so hard to fall into a pattern of "in a minute, honey" or "I'm just going to finish this up first..." or "do you need me to do that right now?" (that last one especially when I'm feeling a bit grumpy).
I suppose the last couple of days have been a bit of a trial run, and it hasn't been flawless. But in remembering that She is my Syr *ALL* the time, not just when She has the privacy to demonstrate that, and consciously reminding myself to treat Her as my Syr all the time, I've discovered something really cool..
When She (in as vanilla a mood as can be) says "Can you please get me a glass of water?", and I get it, without hesitation or question, suddenly I am getting exactly what I need.
Duh.
Interesting how lately there has been so much talk of experience, and how long one has been in the lifestyle and how that translates to what qualifies one to say they are "experienced"... and here I am, having been in the Lifestyle to one degree or another since I was 19 years old, and I'm just a baby in some ways, still just a noob in my own way.
It's no different than any other of life's greatest treasures - you have to find the power to get your needs from within before seeking them from without - and it just clicked.
The more often I obey and trust, all on my own, because I want to - because it's right, because it's a natural expression of who I am and who my Syr is to me, the deeper my submission grows.
Pretty cool, huh?
Over the last week or so, I had a couple of really amazing "light bulb" moments about myself. Recognizing those things, dealing with them, and being honest about them has really helped me to grow and also, in some ways, to shed some old nasty patterns that were really ready to go.
I still fall into old habits, sure, but growth - small or large - always feels really empowering and healing.
One of the wonderful side effects of this growth was a realization that I needed to work on not trying so hard to 'make' Syr have to work for my submission. The wording of that is all kinds of inflammatory, which I am well aware of - but it's the most honest way I know how to put it.
A healthy D/s dynamic takes the work of both parties to maintain. Syr's responsibilities in that include establishing and maintaining my boundaries, or "containing" me (a term I've really come to identify with after reading on persephone's blog). My responsibilities include trusting Syr to do just that (and actually letting her) as well as owning my end of the deal by actually giving Her my submission with and without provocation from Her.
I think it's easy to fall into the trap of wanting a Dominant to take charge, be in control, and be responsible for the D/s and whether it succeeds or fails. But I realized that sometimes I expect Her to do like ALL the work. I don't LITERALLY think that way, but that's really what it boils down to. When I'm craving a drop, I really want that from Her - some action or reminder.
But over the course of the last few days, I've realized that I don't do enough on my own, without Her prompting. I do some, yes. I communicate and I own my needs and I make offers and when we are definitely in private and I am free to express myself, I often will fall to my knees at Her feet or fall into a soft subspace. Yet - in our regular (and by all purposes "vanilla") activities, I lose sight of my vows to Her, and of my responsibility in maintaining the 24/7 energy between us.
And I realized that when we are in a 'vanilla' setting or mood or what-have-you, and She asks me for something, that I don't treat Her, always, with the same respect I would were we in different moods, or in private. Living without the ability to exercise the full extent of that respect due to privacy issues has created a sort of dividing line between the respect She gets when we are in a D/s headspace, and that she gets the 'rest' of the time. And this has established some not so hot patterns.
So when I realized this, I decided to make a conscious effort to change it. When She asks for something, now, I do it. It seems simple, but in the usual every day mundane activities, it's not so hard to fall into a pattern of "in a minute, honey" or "I'm just going to finish this up first..." or "do you need me to do that right now?" (that last one especially when I'm feeling a bit grumpy).
I suppose the last couple of days have been a bit of a trial run, and it hasn't been flawless. But in remembering that She is my Syr *ALL* the time, not just when She has the privacy to demonstrate that, and consciously reminding myself to treat Her as my Syr all the time, I've discovered something really cool..
When She (in as vanilla a mood as can be) says "Can you please get me a glass of water?", and I get it, without hesitation or question, suddenly I am getting exactly what I need.
Duh.
Interesting how lately there has been so much talk of experience, and how long one has been in the lifestyle and how that translates to what qualifies one to say they are "experienced"... and here I am, having been in the Lifestyle to one degree or another since I was 19 years old, and I'm just a baby in some ways, still just a noob in my own way.
It's no different than any other of life's greatest treasures - you have to find the power to get your needs from within before seeking them from without - and it just clicked.
The more often I obey and trust, all on my own, because I want to - because it's right, because it's a natural expression of who I am and who my Syr is to me, the deeper my submission grows.
Pretty cool, huh?
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