Desperate

So, I have a list of topics to refer to for my Wednesdayh and Saturday writing assignments. However, something told me that Syr would most want to hear about this topic instead this week.

~*~*~*~

It was the day after one of the most phenomal nights that Syr and I had shared in some time.

I had spent the day reminiscing, reliving, replaying the events that had transpired the previous night. By the time I got home from work, I had worked myself up into quite a state and was so little I could barely stand up straight. When Syr got home, She smiled that smile at me that told me She enjoyed finding me in that state.

It was at roughly that moment when She made it clear to me that I was not going to experience an orgasm again until our anniversary weekend.

That was Thursday.

It hasn't even been a week yet, and I only have to make it until Saturday night... and yet it feels like it's been AGES and that there are ages yet to go.

The weekend was terribly difficult but somehow I squeaked through. And yet now, looking back, the weekend seems easy as pie by comparison to how I'm feeling right now.

I often wonder if my drive is even remotely normal. I feel as if I've always been hungry and needy like this and like I always will be. I know that's not necessarily a bad thing...

And yet if I wasn't so hungry for Her, so desperately yearning to feel Her covering me, taking me, driving into me, claiming me as Hers.... then maybe this would be easier.

Sometime this last weekend I was desperate enough that I begged Her to touch me, even knowing She was going to torture me. I needed Her even if it meant driving myself further over the brinks of desperate longing. My goading and begging got me exactly what I wanted and it was as delicious as it was unsatisfying.

I found myself whispering my pleas against Her mouth as She kissed me, Her fingers moving deftly over my swollen, throbbing clit, and then inside of me, teasing, stroking, lighting every nerve in my body on fire.

I whispered things I never dreamed I would. I begged Her to take me to the edge and stop, to leave me aching for Her. I wanted Her to be cruel, to get me right.... there... and then stop.. just because She could. I wanted to feel owned and I wanted the reminder that is She and She always who decides when and in what form my pleasure took.

While I am sure She enjoyed my begging, Syr stopped after it went on for a few minutes. She stopped even before getting me to that edge - because ultimately She is the one who decides how and when She starts or stops.

I think I found that more frustrating than anything.

It seems that ever since She told me I was going to have to wait, I have been edgy, cranky and also ridiculously little.

It just snowballs every day.

But today I am in an emotional place where I am near tears constantly.

I need the release and comfort and pleasure and free-falling, sinking, overwhelming surrender that only my Syr can give me.

Four more nights to sleep through without the soft shudders of my body's aftershocks to coax me to sleep.

Four more full days to be productive at work or at home, to get done what needs to get done and to do so without completely falling apart for want of my Syr's touch.

I'm not sure I'm going to be able to make it... not without just falling at my Syr's feet, a quivering mass of hot tears and aching need.

Time has never moved so slowly before.

Keeping track of daily tasks

This is a very short post. My writing assignment will be posted later today or tomorrow.

But I had to share this fun and very interesting new way that Syr and I have found for tracking my daily tasks.

It's here if you want to see it.

It's designed for splitting up household chores among family members in a roleplay game-type setting but all the treasures, monsters, and so forth are completely customizeable.

You can see what this 'looks' like here.

There you can see what tasks I have logged. In my case I'm not messing with the attributes but each task has a set amount of gold that can be earned and each task has a specific set of treasures that could be happened upon (50% chance of finding treasure) and all are very ... D/s oriented.

This way, Syr doesn't have to find the privacy to specifically ask me what I completed that day and perhaps we could also work out consequences (negative and positive) but at least now there's a way Syr can check in at any time to see how I'm doing. ;)

Naked.

Syr and I took a walk this evening, and as we were strolling, Syr told me about a news blurb She'd caught on a national news network today.

The story is easily summarized in one sentence:
A woman was seen going into a convenience store and purchasing a pack of cigarettes wearing nothing but high heeled shoes and a necklace before climbing into the passenger seat of a ferrari just before the car sped away.

She let me think about this for a moment, turning it over in my mind a little as Her eyes glinted slyly. She smiled as the potential implications washed over me.

Nothing but a "necklace" and a pair of high heeled shoes, hmm?

Obviously it could be any wealthy man and his girlfriend's kinky fantasy, as the image of a nude woman wearing a necklace is probably erotic for a great many people.

But the implications that instantly occurred to the both of us were much more exciting to entertain:

~That the "necklace" was more than just a piece of jewelry, but a symbol of ownership.
~That the woman who went to purchase cigaerrettes was purchasing them for her Master... or Mistress.
~That the trip to the store was a test of obedience and service, rather than random thrill-seeking.

Syr asked me to put myself in her shoes (so to speak). How I would feel if it were me, if all the social, legal, and ethical considerations of the situation were not there, leaving me unfettered.

Being nude is something that makes me feel particularly vulnerable, even in private. Being exposed to Syr while She examines me, or grooms me, or looks closely at my most secret places is one thing that drops me into one of the most intense little space that I can experience. The idea of being nude in public at Syr's command.... well the very thought makes me tremble inside, clench with blissful wishful thinking, blush with the heat of being forced to do something so unnatural to my shy self, and quake with fear.

The idea of being able to be obvious about my slavery is incredibly appealing and intoxicating. It's not possible nor ethical nor appropriate for society as it exists today and given our personal situation, but the idea of a society where it is acceptable is nothing but thrilling to think about.

I would adore living in a society where I could walk several steps behind Syr, my thick leather collar around my neck, a chain leash dangling from my throat to the leather handle around Her wrist for a casual walk down the street.

For now, I will content myself with the subtle and intense energy of our exchange and with the anticipation of a weekend alone for our first wedding anniversary in 12 days.... a weekend when we can explore and enjoy some more 'obvious' D/s time together.