Rode hard, put away wet

"Rode hard, put away wet" - I really love that saying. It just sounds dirty in all the wonderful, wonderful ways that something can.

This is exactly what I feel like this weekend, too. And it was completely unexpected!

Both my Owner and I have been a not-so-fun combination of sick and hormonal for what feels like several weeks! We weren't completely over all our stuff but we were certainly on the mend. But, rest assured, I had NO expectations for some hot, sweaty sex anytime soon....

And then Saturday happened.

Oh, Saturday....

We had this unexpected stretch of complete and total privacy at home. Not the kind of privacy that you don't know how long it's going to last but some pretty solid privacy. Still, I didn't think we were (either of us) in the mood for anything naughty.

I had no intentions of enticing or seducing my Owner (honest! no... seriously! I wasn't even in the mood), but there was something kind of fun about knowing I could safely be naked just for the heck of it. Syr and I were planning to head off to run a couple of errands and I was just hanging out upstairs, buck naked, when Syr came up to get changed.

There was no immediate pouncing but there was a wee bit of snuggling while She just enjoyed me being naked. There may have been a wee bit of bratting, and perhaps a challenge, which then turned into a playful spanking...

Which then turned into a far more serious spanking. My Owner's bare hands on my bare bottom is my absolute favourite kind of spanking. No worries about the sounds of the stinging slaps so we both got quite involved in it. Before long, She was balling up Her hands into fists and punching the fleshy parts of my ass which just ... really gets me going. It creates this deep, thuddy sensation which wakes EVERYTHING up...

So THEN... i was in the mood. And, apparently, so was She.

Before I knew what was happening, my Owner had slipped on Her cock, and some lube, and Her finger was sliding into my ass.

This is still a relatively new area of exploration for us, but one thing is certain. Ass play of any kind makes me feel insanely vulnerable and ridiculously little... and that is an effect that my Owner absolutely... positively LOVES. She enjoyed every whimper She could pull out of me with Her finger moving inside me in this way. I was trembling with vulnerability and the intensity of what I was feeling. It was luscious and frightening in all the best ways.

Still, I was almost grateful when She replaced Her finger with the plug, seating it firmly in my ass. But then, She pulled me up onto my knees, and drove Her cock into me from behind.

And I felt so full and taken, every sensation was magnified ten fold. And the best part, was there was no one else home. I didn't have to keep too quiet. I am naturally noisy, so being able to really let loose vocally just made everything seem even more intense. She fucked me like this, the plug deep in my ass, while I was on all fours... and then She flipped me on my back and fucked me from the angle that allows Her to climax as well.

She used me, hard, and I felt so taken and owned and it was all so overwhelmingly delicious!

We managed to still get out for our errands, but it was less than eight hours later, when She went for round two! A repeat of earlier that afternoon, though ultimately much gentler, since I was sore and tender. And afterward, all I remember, was falling into the deepest oblivion of sleep.

Oh yes.... I was definitely rode hard.... and put away wet. And it was... FANTASTIC!

Out of control

You know, the hardest moments to stay grounded in the reality that I am owned and not in control, are the moments that I most desperately want to "feel" (note: not actually "be") in control.

 

Several times a year, at approximately the same time, I become very.... volatile. This seems to happen around the major holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas.... and my birthday. Since the latter is just around the corner, and I happen to also be extremely hormonal, AND recently emotionally triggered, you can just imagine that I am a whole lotta fun right now. Oh my poor Owner.

 

See, when I feel out of sorts or out of control of my own mind and/or emotions - I seem to grasp for control anywhere I (think I) can get it. This means that I don't want to agree with anyone, for any reason - most especially the One who has all the Control... because I want to be the one in control (except I don't really). Is this confusing to you? Yeah, it's confusing to me too.

 

So far, I have succeeded in not picking a fight, which is pretty impressive since what I really want to do is let all those whirling emotions out somehow and picking a fight has tended to be the salve of choice to my wounded psyche in times like these. It's not a healthy outlet for either of us and I certainly don't do it intentionally but it makes a twisted sort of sense that when I'm fighting against feelings around not being in control that the One in Control would be the target of all that emotion.... so it was a status quo sorta thing that used to happen. And, to my Owner's credit, She has always had the insight and patience to recognize where this behaviour was coming from - and was able to help me come to grips with it after (and sometimes during) these episodes - which I suppose is a large part why it's easier for me to recognize and be aware of it now.

 

And so, as I mentioned, I've managed to avoid doing that, mostly by being self-aware enough to recognize my headspace and smart enough to shut up when things seem to start heading in the wrong direction.

 

What I haven't learned how to do, though, is to completely avoid being snippy and combative. Sometimes, this has seemed to amuse Her, and sometimes, annoy Her, but my ability to back off and check myself - even while avoiding backing *down* entirely, has helped to avert disaster. But it leaves me feeling ungrounded and unsettled.

 

What I feel like I want and need is someone to fight with - and lash out at, but not be hurt, so I can let out all the random emotion that's flying around inside of me. I think I feel so safe with Syr, that I tend to want that to be Her. Enter an intense craving for a take-down - a hard ass scene where I fight with everything I have and She overpowers me (physically or psychologically), and puts me in my place, and yanks the tears out of me.

 

The interesting thing is, that as much as I crave it, I also fear it.

So where does that leave me?

The little things...

I find myself noticing, and appreciating small moments between my Owner and I that are interspersed throughout our day. Amid the chaos of running our household and dashing here and there on errands or upkeep of the yard or finances, there are constant reminders of our dynamic, of the interplay of energy between us. In these moments, I often marvel at how something that might seem so innocuous to an outsider, but have enormous significance between us. Like... ~ when we're out shopping and I get a little too bratty or sassy, and She puts Her hand on the back of my neck and gives it a firm, but authoritative squeeze, reminding me of my place. It usually settles me down relatively quickly, and it certainly is powerful. ~ when we're in the car, and She wraps Her hand in the back of my hair and gives it a firm pull, just because. When She does this, it grounds me, settles my energy, and roots me to the earth - and to Her. ~ the way She tucks me into bed at night, not only the obvious moment when She fastens my sleeping collar on my neck, but the caring way she plants light kisses on my forehead right before lights go out. ~ how I always check in with Her after every decision that I have had to make that I normally would have gotten Her approval on - but couldn't for a number of circumstances. This always feels like a bit of a confessional, not of wrong-doing but of admitting that I had to make some decisions and wanted Her approval on what I've done. It's not the telling that is so powerful to me, it is my awareness that I am prepared to hear that I have behaved inappropriately - if that's the case. ~ the eager way that I get excited to share my accomplishments with Her in a "Look what i did, Daddy!" manner. She's always so genuinely proud of me when I do something that She knows is difficult for me, or when I've met a milestone or goal. This genuine pleasure in my success is what makes me feel so eager to please Her in this way. She encourages me, always, to be the strongest, best, me I can be. ~ the way She keeps an eye on me, protectively. She never stifles me in any way, but She is always aware of me and where I am - whether we're in a mall or getting ready to cross the street. To some, this might seem condescending, but I know that She is perfectly aware that I'm capable - and so Her attentiveness makes me feel safe and valued... treasured. Whether She's pointing out an obstacle on the road when I'm driving, placing Her hand in the small of my back when we're in a crowded place (aware of my claustrophobia in crowds), or automatically taking my hand when we cross the street. There are a thousand moments like these peppered throughout the time we spend together. Even when time-shortages or other circumstances prevent us from having as much 'hardcore' D/s time as we might wish, there is never a loss of connection between us, never a moment when I don't feel safe, owned, and loved. When I stop and think about it, these moments are the real 'cement' of our dynamic - and not the times when I am in my formal collar and leash, kneeling at Her feet (no matter how lovely those moments are).

Sleepy Sunday with my Owner

Well.... Sunday was a sleepy, zoney, day. It was warm outside - beautiful actually. Syr had to work from 9:30am to 2:30pm so we were up relatively early (all things considered), and I took Her to work.

 

Once She was at work, I puttered at home a bit, played on my computer, and spent a couple of hours feeling very naughty watching dirty things online... which... made me feel very... VERY naughty. ;)

 

When I picked Her up, the naughty was all over my face so She guessed what I'd been up to VERY quickly (that always amazes me!) but She had a pulled muscle in Her shoulder so I knew She was out of commission (pout).

 

Still, I gave her a long back massage and then we both fell asleep for a nap. It was wone of those warm afternoons that just makes one want to snuggle and rest.

 

After our nap, though, Syr took me to the bathroom and showered me head to toe. I hadn't washed my hair since Thursday morning because I was trying to keep my tattoos fairly dry (they were getting gently washed and salved up about 2x a day to keep them clean but didn't want them too wet) and my Owner always says it's good to let one's hair get good and oily once in a while. The shower was wonderful. It's one of my very very favourite things to do with Her. The way She washes and conditions my hair and washes me all over makes me feel like such a spoiled little slavegirl - I can hardly express how submissive it makes me feel... in that treasured kind of way *happy sigh*.

 

After showertime, we went downstairs to cook up some quick dinner (and Syr did some needed gardening work). We had dinner and then for Sunday adventure went to Dairy Queen for treats.

 

Once back home, we puttered a bit more, and then headed to bed. I knew my Owner was hurting in Her shoulder so knew I wasn't getting any, but She'd said maybe I could put on a show for Her - so I'd planned to do that, but then we were all kissing and I was all wiggly and stuff and She put my hand to Her jeans and I discovered She was packing!!! So that was a squee-moment and we ended up having an AMAZINGLY hot romp, in spite of Her shoulder, and I slept soundly (as a very contented and satiated slave should!)

 

It was a luxurious and indulgent kind of Sunday. *purrr*

Pain, and feeling so grateful

My Owner gifted me with three new tattoos this week. They were personally significant to me for a number of reasons. And while the money that paid for them may have largely come from my paycheck, and while they are not marks of slavery or submission to Her, and while they have nothing to do with Her - they still feel like gifts from Her.

It's so confusing to try to explain this, but the energy of our dynamic runs deep and isn't based on the superficial. It doesn't matter who made the money - it still feels like She is in charge of it, in spite of (or maybe because of) the fact that She never abuses the power that She wields in our dynamic and in our marriage.

Today, looking at the new marks on my body - that I love so dearly, I feel grateful... for these new gifts.... and grateful for the gift of submission that transcends assumption, stereotype, and expectation to reach a place of sweet authenticity.