Correction...

Yesterday, while Syr and I were chatting at work, I had a moment of panic over something silly. And in my panic, it's like I morphed into super-bitch-slave.

I sort of felt myself getting carried away, seriously crossing the line you know? I could tell it was happening - and I felt swept on by it, nearly powerless to stop it. Of course I wasn't powerless - I chose to ride the wave instead of fight it. But it was one of those moments where I was almost outside of myself watching this behaviour and waving my arms wildly screaming "what the HELL are you doing?!"

And still, I did it. Gah.

In the middle of this hyperactive bad behaviour, Syr simply said: "trust me".

And in all my craziness, I was like "I do... but"

but.

*sigh*

And then a couple minutes later I blatantly questioned her in the most condescending way ever. And I just knew that was the breaking point.

Syr's response sent WAVES of energy my way. She said, "Excuse me???????"

Normally, when She says that, it's a D/s correction. This was more than that. This went beyond our dynamic into an area where as my Owner, as well as, as my Wife, Friend, and Love that I had super crossed the line and behaved badly.

The instant She said that, I felt it, I knew it. And I plummeted.

It was as if I was in the littlest little-space ever combined with the guilt/feeling bad about myself from knowing I had treated my Wife unfairly. It felt really really bad. And I instantly owned my shit, became contrite, and admitted to Her that I had been way out of line and apologized. I just wanted to cry, but I was at work and I couldn't. I felt terrible. I felt as if I'd been a terrible wife and friend, let alone slave or pet. *sigh* It was yuck.

Syr had accepted my apology and probably had more understanding for my bad behaviour than I had, but the guilt lingered. I kept asking myself how I could call myself Her slave if I couldn't even treat her with the respect owed a Wife. It was a difficult time in my head and heart.

It was overcome before the evening ended, on both of our parts, and Syr reminded me that I am still wanted and loved and that it was a terrible moment - but that didn't make me a terrible slave. I think that when I have moments like that, I just can't help but feel unworthy. I'm working on it - but it's very challenging. And yet, with no other person in my life D/s or otherwise, have I ever been capable of calling myself on my shit quite so quickly, in owning it and taking responsibility for it instead of holding onto the need to be in the right. And for that, I give myself big credit. And THAT is what reminds me that I really am not such a terrible slave. A terrible slave would have continued to be bitchy and put the onus on her Syr to correct her into behaving better rather than taking the responsibility and initiative to own it and apologize and make it right.

This morning, there was another profound moment that I experienced. Syr and I were getting our clothes on so that we could go get a coffee. I was a little grumbly and growly (lack of coffee...) and was halfway towards getting dressed (had just a shirt and my panties on at that point) when Syr stopped, pulled my panties down over my hips just to my upper thighs and slapped my bare bottom twice and told me to be good. She pulled my panties back up, then, and I felt the reddening on my cheeks and I hid my face against Her chest and was just so little.

It was interesting, because never before has a simple swat on my bottom felt like a 'serious' correction, and yet this did. I think there was definitely a psychological impact to having Her pull down my panties to expose my bottom the way that she did. An element of humiliation is the first way I can think of to describe it. And yet, 'humiliation' in it's true form isn't something that appeals to either of us. It wasn't the kind of humiliation that makes you feel self conscious or bad about yourself, but it added just a hint of embarrassed unpleasantness to the interaction which took it out of it's normal playful/enjoyable context. Normally a swat on the butt is fun, playful, or at the least sexually stimulating. This was stimulating because it felt like real discipline, yet not because it was enjoyable, a profound lightbulb moment for me, because as I've written about before - there is some frustration in trying to work ways to incorporate discipline that is effective as discipline (and does not tempt me to behave badly just so I can experience it) and this was effective. I didn't enjoy it in the ways that might encourage me to behave badly to experience it - rather it is a real deterrent, despite the fact that it was stimulating.

I find that of all the things most difficult to incorporate consistently in a 24/7 D/s dynamic, true discipline and correction ranks at the top of the list. So it is always quite notable to me when something is discovered that works.