Yesterday, while Syr and I were chatting at work, I had a moment of panic over something silly. And in my panic, it's like I morphed into super-bitch-slave.
I sort of felt myself getting carried away, seriously crossing the line you know? I could tell it was happening - and I felt swept on by it, nearly powerless to stop it. Of course I wasn't powerless - I chose to ride the wave instead of fight it. But it was one of those moments where I was almost outside of myself watching this behaviour and waving my arms wildly screaming "what the HELL are you doing?!"
And still, I did it. Gah.
In the middle of this hyperactive bad behaviour, Syr simply said: "trust me".
And in all my craziness, I was like "I do... but"
but.
*sigh*
And then a couple minutes later I blatantly questioned her in the most condescending way ever. And I just knew that was the breaking point.
Syr's response sent WAVES of energy my way. She said, "Excuse me???????"
Normally, when She says that, it's a D/s correction. This was more than that. This went beyond our dynamic into an area where as my Owner, as well as, as my Wife, Friend, and Love that I had super crossed the line and behaved badly.
The instant She said that, I felt it, I knew it. And I plummeted.
It was as if I was in the littlest little-space ever combined with the guilt/feeling bad about myself from knowing I had treated my Wife unfairly. It felt really really bad. And I instantly owned my shit, became contrite, and admitted to Her that I had been way out of line and apologized. I just wanted to cry, but I was at work and I couldn't. I felt terrible. I felt as if I'd been a terrible wife and friend, let alone slave or pet. *sigh* It was yuck.
Syr had accepted my apology and probably had more understanding for my bad behaviour than I had, but the guilt lingered. I kept asking myself how I could call myself Her slave if I couldn't even treat her with the respect owed a Wife. It was a difficult time in my head and heart.
It was overcome before the evening ended, on both of our parts, and Syr reminded me that I am still wanted and loved and that it was a terrible moment - but that didn't make me a terrible slave. I think that when I have moments like that, I just can't help but feel unworthy. I'm working on it - but it's very challenging. And yet, with no other person in my life D/s or otherwise, have I ever been capable of calling myself on my shit quite so quickly, in owning it and taking responsibility for it instead of holding onto the need to be in the right. And for that, I give myself big credit. And THAT is what reminds me that I really am not such a terrible slave. A terrible slave would have continued to be bitchy and put the onus on her Syr to correct her into behaving better rather than taking the responsibility and initiative to own it and apologize and make it right.
This morning, there was another profound moment that I experienced. Syr and I were getting our clothes on so that we could go get a coffee. I was a little grumbly and growly (lack of coffee...) and was halfway towards getting dressed (had just a shirt and my panties on at that point) when Syr stopped, pulled my panties down over my hips just to my upper thighs and slapped my bare bottom twice and told me to be good. She pulled my panties back up, then, and I felt the reddening on my cheeks and I hid my face against Her chest and was just so little.
It was interesting, because never before has a simple swat on my bottom felt like a 'serious' correction, and yet this did. I think there was definitely a psychological impact to having Her pull down my panties to expose my bottom the way that she did. An element of humiliation is the first way I can think of to describe it. And yet, 'humiliation' in it's true form isn't something that appeals to either of us. It wasn't the kind of humiliation that makes you feel self conscious or bad about yourself, but it added just a hint of embarrassed unpleasantness to the interaction which took it out of it's normal playful/enjoyable context. Normally a swat on the butt is fun, playful, or at the least sexually stimulating. This was stimulating because it felt like real discipline, yet not because it was enjoyable, a profound lightbulb moment for me, because as I've written about before - there is some frustration in trying to work ways to incorporate discipline that is effective as discipline (and does not tempt me to behave badly just so I can experience it) and this was effective. I didn't enjoy it in the ways that might encourage me to behave badly to experience it - rather it is a real deterrent, despite the fact that it was stimulating.
I find that of all the things most difficult to incorporate consistently in a 24/7 D/s dynamic, true discipline and correction ranks at the top of the list. So it is always quite notable to me when something is discovered that works.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Leaps and Bounds, and a bit of backtalk
It's been terribly quiet here in blog-land from my end...
And yet, despite not writing about it much, there have been some incredible moments and thoughts and rituals and such developing in Syr and my world and dynamic.
We still struggle, sometimes, to find our footing - to find what works best in our current lifestyle and what doesn't. We don't have much privacy in our household, and that means that a lot of the more obvious and blatant activities fall by the wayside in light of just no realistic time or space to do them.
And yet, somehow we're managing to find our rhythm within those restrictions and regain some of the 'ground' we sort of lost when we began living together full time and dealing with all the day to day realities of life, family, finances, chores, and jobs.
I started exploring D/s when I was so young, and so for me, it really did begin as a sort of week-end activity. Years into it, I became a full-time slave, but I was poly and my time with my then-Master was limited. He lived over an hour away and we both had jobs and primary relationships to attend to. His control over me was 24/7 but he rarely really exercised his control with any consistency when we were not together.
With Syr and I, we began as friends with... D/s exploration as an overtone, I suppose you could say. It began with daily writing topics - which was really a foundational thing for us. We had limited time with one another each day and so I would get my assignment done before we spoke each evening and Syr would read it and we would discuss it together. It became an integral part of our dynamic and enabled us to learn more about each other than I would have thought possible.
But something happened with the writing assignments the more time we spent on the phone or in-person: they just became less technically necessary. We told each other everything, each thought and every idea - we ran out of topics! :)
Since then, Syr has assigned me writing topics sporadically. When I was not yet able to work after we moved in together, She would assign me a topic each morning when She left for work. I would finish it before I lost privacy each afternoon. But when I began working, it once again fell off.
We've tried getting it started again multiple times, but a lack of privacy for writing has always been the biggest deterrent.
For Christmas, Syr bought me a wi-fi card for my palm pilot. Now, I can write in the privacy of the bedroom. So - Syr instituted that I should start writing to the daily writing prompts supplied by the lovely luna!
And then - we both discovered that it was falling flat, and realized that it's because they weren't always topics that we felt applied to us or our dynamic and because it was missing that personal connection we had when writing on specific topics that Syr assigns. So, that got nixed!
But, there have been gems we've found as well.
Syr has been consistently raising her expectations of the ways that I speak to and interact with Her when we are in private. She has been able to consistently correct me to keep me reminded of my position - which has really helped to add a level of consistent energy flow in a more active and noticeable way.
In addition, of all the things that would allow us a deeper owner/slave connection, I never would have thought that rearranging the bedroom would do it! And yet, when we did some moving of furniture, we opened up some ROOM in the bedroom, and made space for a small sheepskin fur which Syr bought for me to live permanently next to the bed.
It's a kneeling fur, a symbol. At first, Syr would just have me kneel there now and then. And then one day, I was pushing... hard. I needed that take-down feeling and when I pushed, Syr fought hard and physically brought me to my knees at Her feet... and I still fought. And She put my head down until my forehead rested on the ground at her feet and then She kept firm pressure on the back of my head/neck and I just - sunk.
Afterwards, my little-space lasted for some time. She had reminded me, physically, of my place and it didn't take something loud or intense to do it. The entire interaction had been virtually silent.
And since then, Syr has discovered that this position, with my forehead touching the floor would instantly put me in my place. Now, She regularly times me out on my fur in the bedroom. With my head down She'll often put Her feet on my back or one on the back of my head, or a hand on the back of my head or neck. And the fur is exactly the right size for me to kneel and for my forehead to touch the fur in front of me. (If you yoga, think childs pose)
She's used it for discipline, and I've asked for it just to feel grounded and little, especially before bed... and that brings me to the topic Syr gave me to write on today.
I've been AWFUL the last few days. Not mean or terrible, but just willfuly pushing. And Syr wants to know why. Although, it's clear that She pretty much already does know why.
It's a classic behaviour pattern for me. When I find myself really enjoying/appreciating being reminded of my place - I act out to 'test' that I will not be allowed to get away with it. It's not a conscious/intentional thing, but I have noticed me doing it, and so has Syr. I brat in blatant, obvious ways - Syr puts me down/brings me down - and I revel in that, so I do it again.
It's that whole good attention/bad attention thing except - how do you differentiate between them when both good (petting/loving/praising) and technically 'bad' (discipline/correction) are desireable and needed and often craved - even more than than the good.
It's easy to say that my desire is to please Syr - it is. That said, She admits Herself that She enjoys a bit of bratting, and that ability to take me down. We both do.
And lately, with discovering this position, and the fur, and also with Syr holding me to standards of behaviour when we're alone and enforcing certain chores be done by me as a symbol of my role (IE She helps with household chores, but - the bedroom is my job, period), I find that the more D/s I 'sense' the more I push (perhaps it is a pushing from fear that it will go away or that consistently will last, or perhaps even to 'make sure' i'm not just imagining it?)
So, given that, how do W/we differentiate between doing that and me topping from the bottom or otherwise manipulating to get what I want.
I think that, a bit of 'quiet time' kneeling head-down on the fur regularly would help ground and settle me, knowing it's not just something done when I misbehave or when I ask for it - but done as a consistent reminder of my place would perhaps help us find a better balance. But then even suggesting so, feels like topping from the bottom.
Oh hell, who am I kidding? I love being owned by my Syr. I love the feeling of surrender and completion that I feel when I am in that little-space, firmly assured of my place at Her feet. I adore it. And She adores it. So why am I so worried about admitting it and expressing my delight in those things that bring me to Her feet?
And yet, despite not writing about it much, there have been some incredible moments and thoughts and rituals and such developing in Syr and my world and dynamic.
We still struggle, sometimes, to find our footing - to find what works best in our current lifestyle and what doesn't. We don't have much privacy in our household, and that means that a lot of the more obvious and blatant activities fall by the wayside in light of just no realistic time or space to do them.
And yet, somehow we're managing to find our rhythm within those restrictions and regain some of the 'ground' we sort of lost when we began living together full time and dealing with all the day to day realities of life, family, finances, chores, and jobs.
I started exploring D/s when I was so young, and so for me, it really did begin as a sort of week-end activity. Years into it, I became a full-time slave, but I was poly and my time with my then-Master was limited. He lived over an hour away and we both had jobs and primary relationships to attend to. His control over me was 24/7 but he rarely really exercised his control with any consistency when we were not together.
With Syr and I, we began as friends with... D/s exploration as an overtone, I suppose you could say. It began with daily writing topics - which was really a foundational thing for us. We had limited time with one another each day and so I would get my assignment done before we spoke each evening and Syr would read it and we would discuss it together. It became an integral part of our dynamic and enabled us to learn more about each other than I would have thought possible.
But something happened with the writing assignments the more time we spent on the phone or in-person: they just became less technically necessary. We told each other everything, each thought and every idea - we ran out of topics! :)
Since then, Syr has assigned me writing topics sporadically. When I was not yet able to work after we moved in together, She would assign me a topic each morning when She left for work. I would finish it before I lost privacy each afternoon. But when I began working, it once again fell off.
We've tried getting it started again multiple times, but a lack of privacy for writing has always been the biggest deterrent.
For Christmas, Syr bought me a wi-fi card for my palm pilot. Now, I can write in the privacy of the bedroom. So - Syr instituted that I should start writing to the daily writing prompts supplied by the lovely luna!
And then - we both discovered that it was falling flat, and realized that it's because they weren't always topics that we felt applied to us or our dynamic and because it was missing that personal connection we had when writing on specific topics that Syr assigns. So, that got nixed!
But, there have been gems we've found as well.
Syr has been consistently raising her expectations of the ways that I speak to and interact with Her when we are in private. She has been able to consistently correct me to keep me reminded of my position - which has really helped to add a level of consistent energy flow in a more active and noticeable way.
In addition, of all the things that would allow us a deeper owner/slave connection, I never would have thought that rearranging the bedroom would do it! And yet, when we did some moving of furniture, we opened up some ROOM in the bedroom, and made space for a small sheepskin fur which Syr bought for me to live permanently next to the bed.
It's a kneeling fur, a symbol. At first, Syr would just have me kneel there now and then. And then one day, I was pushing... hard. I needed that take-down feeling and when I pushed, Syr fought hard and physically brought me to my knees at Her feet... and I still fought. And She put my head down until my forehead rested on the ground at her feet and then She kept firm pressure on the back of my head/neck and I just - sunk.
Afterwards, my little-space lasted for some time. She had reminded me, physically, of my place and it didn't take something loud or intense to do it. The entire interaction had been virtually silent.
And since then, Syr has discovered that this position, with my forehead touching the floor would instantly put me in my place. Now, She regularly times me out on my fur in the bedroom. With my head down She'll often put Her feet on my back or one on the back of my head, or a hand on the back of my head or neck. And the fur is exactly the right size for me to kneel and for my forehead to touch the fur in front of me. (If you yoga, think childs pose)
She's used it for discipline, and I've asked for it just to feel grounded and little, especially before bed... and that brings me to the topic Syr gave me to write on today.
I've been AWFUL the last few days. Not mean or terrible, but just willfuly pushing. And Syr wants to know why. Although, it's clear that She pretty much already does know why.
It's a classic behaviour pattern for me. When I find myself really enjoying/appreciating being reminded of my place - I act out to 'test' that I will not be allowed to get away with it. It's not a conscious/intentional thing, but I have noticed me doing it, and so has Syr. I brat in blatant, obvious ways - Syr puts me down/brings me down - and I revel in that, so I do it again.
It's that whole good attention/bad attention thing except - how do you differentiate between them when both good (petting/loving/praising) and technically 'bad' (discipline/correction) are desireable and needed and often craved - even more than than the good.
It's easy to say that my desire is to please Syr - it is. That said, She admits Herself that She enjoys a bit of bratting, and that ability to take me down. We both do.
And lately, with discovering this position, and the fur, and also with Syr holding me to standards of behaviour when we're alone and enforcing certain chores be done by me as a symbol of my role (IE She helps with household chores, but - the bedroom is my job, period), I find that the more D/s I 'sense' the more I push (perhaps it is a pushing from fear that it will go away or that consistently will last, or perhaps even to 'make sure' i'm not just imagining it?)
So, given that, how do W/we differentiate between doing that and me topping from the bottom or otherwise manipulating to get what I want.
I think that, a bit of 'quiet time' kneeling head-down on the fur regularly would help ground and settle me, knowing it's not just something done when I misbehave or when I ask for it - but done as a consistent reminder of my place would perhaps help us find a better balance. But then even suggesting so, feels like topping from the bottom.
Oh hell, who am I kidding? I love being owned by my Syr. I love the feeling of surrender and completion that I feel when I am in that little-space, firmly assured of my place at Her feet. I adore it. And She adores it. So why am I so worried about admitting it and expressing my delight in those things that bring me to Her feet?
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