Ashamed

I am deeply ashamed.

Burning hot tears keep escaping from my eyes, unbidden, even as I try to make it through my work day.

I know this is not what Syr wants. I know She doesn't want me spiralling this badly, and yet knowing that I did a bad thing, a forbidden thing makes me ache with self-dissapointment and guilt.

Syr enjoyed yesterday's post very much. Afterwards, She tormented me a little... again stopping at an odd moment when I desperately wanted the torture to continue, even knowing the ultimate answer to my pleas would still be No.

The hardest part has been craving the torment of being brought to the edge and left dangling there. I've craved that almost more than the prize itself. Last night, She dropped me, reminded me I was Hers, took me to that little place and held me safely in Her embrace until my tears subsided. She has remained consistent in Her promise to deny me release until the night of our Anniversary.

The last couple of mornings, I have awakened and, in my still half-asleep state, reached instinctively between my legs to try to relieve the pressure and throbbing that I wake with each day. And so yesterday, Syr said that perhaps I should sleep in my cuffs that night.

When it was time for sleep, I reminded Her, asking Her if I could sleep in my cuffs, not trusting my own bleary morning instincts to betray Her wishes. She obliged and put my cuffs on, clipping them together, and I slept that way for the night.

This morning when I woke, She unclipped me and sent me to take a shower and get ready for work. She stayed in bed, dozing, as She works later than me today.

I remember stumbling into the bathroom, bleary-ided and undressing, hopping in the shower and starting to wash.

As I held the showerhead and aimed it lower, to wash, tiny little streams of water drummed on that throbbing and urgent part of me and, without even thinking, I switched the showerhead setting to the piercing, three-jet intense direct spray and held it, aimed carefully, quite a ways away and leaned back against the shower wall, losing myself in the feeling of the water pummeling so ruthlessly against that ultra-sensitive part of me.

I wasn't thinking, I was just feeling, and even though I wasn't thinking through my actions, I was still very much aware of the fact that I was not allowed to seek release.

And yet I was revelling in the torment. I could never find release this way anyway, I figured it was safe, standing there in the shower feeling the tiny pulses of pleasure shoot through me like little dancers playing upon my nerve endings.

I knew it was naughty. I knew that Syr would not want me playing at all. Somewhere inside me I knew all of that, but it didn't stop me. It should have... I'd like to think that it *would* have under normal circumstances. But... it didn't.

I was losing myself in the sensation of the water pounding aginst me, when a particularly strong pulse shot through me.

I pulled the water away from me and froze.

I didn't.

I couldn't have.

It didn't FEEL like an orgasm usually feels to me. But it was an undeniably strong 'pulse' that I couldn't just chalk up to ordinary sensation either. I wasn't sure. I'm still not sure.

I hadn't tensed my muscles like I always have to, and I hadn't braced myself and it didn't have aftershocks of any kind (like it normally would).

But I knew it was possible. I had to finish washing and getting ready for work. Syr was dozing and I had to go or risk being late.

I turned everything over and over again in my mind during my short drive to work.

I am most ashamed to admit that I actually *decided* I didn't need to tell Syr. I didn't want to let Her down, dissapoint Her. I figured I was allowed a secret... everyone has at least one. I always tell Syr everything - every thought, every deed (good or bad), every hope and wish, dream and need. But I figured, this... this I could keep from Her.

By the time I got to work, I had firmly assured myself that it would be my little secret.

And just at the same moment I truly *decided* to keep it a secret, the shame and guilt washed over me. It was in that moment that I felt I had betrayed Her. It was that moment that made me realize I *had* to tell Her what happened.

I felt panic choke me at the idea that I almost kept something from Her, the One I trust with my life. I felt pain constrict my heart as I raced from my desk to call Her on Her cell phone, knowing I had 10 minutes to catch Her before She started work.

The second I confessed, tears started falling. I couldn't fall apart, not here, not at the office, but it was hard not to.

The tone in Syr's voice when I said I have a confession to make shook me to my core. She knew as soon as the words were out of my mouth. She knew.

I gave her the short version of the details and explained I wasn't really *sure* if it was anything. The truth is that my self-torment in the shower has only awakened me even more and put me in an alarming state of need. I don't feel the least bit sated. But mostly I wanted to let Her know that I wanted... needed.. to atone for my wrongdoing.

She demanded a formal apology - for the act of playing at all. She had made it clear that She didn't want me touching, playing and for precisely that reason - that something might 'happen'.

To play at all was a direct act of defiance. I wasn't thinking through my actions at the time, only on a yearning for a physical sensation. It was raw and animalistic and completely disrespectful of my Syr's wishes.

There are many reasons I feel ashamed, but the biggest was the betrayal. In my innermost thoughts and my heart, I could never hide anything from Syr. Our complete honesty and trust is the foundation for our relationship, our dynamic, and our marriage.

My body burns hotter for Syr, not less, and I know that this constant state of wanting that I awakened by my actions this morning is only one part of the punishment for disobedience. My intense guilt and shame and the knowledge that I let my Syr down is also one part of my own punishment.

Never before did I feel this level of true *real* submission and surrender to another person. It's real. It's not something being played at. The emotions and desires, the needs and the energy exchange are all very real. The knowledge that I am owned is with me always. I have a symbol of Syr's ownership of me permanently tattooed on my flesh and Syr wears a symbol of Her ownership of me tattooed onto her skin as well.

Just like so many other things in life, I'm going to screw up, and let Her down sometimes. But no words can ever describe how much it hurts to dissapoint the One I seek only to please and make proud.

Writing this all out to be read and judged by Dominants and fellow submissives and slaves alike is a form of self-punishment. Syr didn't ask me to do so. But I felt I deserved to feel the reproach of others with such a blatant act of disobedience.

And now, my apology:

Beloved Syr,

I'm not sure words can express how deeply and truely sorry I am for my disobedient acts this morning, nor the defiant thoughts that filled my mind immediately afterwards.

I will tell you that I have never felt as ashamed of myself as I do now, and I know you believe that I speak the truth.

I tried to express what happened, and my feelings as best as I could in the above post and hope that it helps You see inside of me in the ways that You need to know how to go forward.

I know You have probably not yet decided what punishment, if any that You will administer but please know that I will accept anything You decide with nothing but perfect love and perfect trust.

I am sorry, Syr.

I am always and forever Yours,
~alena