Clearly, I have a lot of work to do still on being consistent with this blog.
I have a bunch of excuses in my head about how busy I am but I also need to remember that Syr used to appreciate even just a three-sentence daily post, so I really don't have any excuses. How long does a few sentences take? Not much. And writing here is an excellent anchor for my service so I need to get better at this, for real.
So, how have things been going lately? I'd say up and down. I've been learning some hard lessons recently when it comes to communicating with Syr. It's often hard. I have so many unhealthy/dysfunctional habits particularly around communication and behaviour when there is tension that I really feel like each time I get better at one, I find three more in it's place that I need to address. But, that's just part of how this works. It's in layers.
Anyway, recently, we've had a couple of arguments caused by my not shutting up or not listening when I needed to. I know that these arguments have been much shorter-lived than a similar argument may have been a few years ago. So that is a clear marker of improvement. But there are things i need to work harder on.
One thing we identified recently is my behaviour when I sense any annoyance or frustration on Syr's part. I always ask "what's wrong?" but the second She tells me, I try to explain, defend it away - dismissing it (essentially). Interestingly, we identified that my drive to ask the question comes from a dysfunctional background, as does my compulsion to "make it go away". Without going into intense details about my background, let's just say it never ever occurred to me that She wouldn't always WANT me to ask what's wrong. But what She explained is sometimes She gets annoyed or whatever and just needs a moment or two to move on. That was a totally novel concept to me. And I think should help take the pressure off asking all the time. Because if I'm not prepared to hear and honour the answer, I shouldn't ask the question right? Right. I also need to work on how I handle the answer when I DO ask so it's a two part process, but it felt like progress to identify this particular issue. :) So I'm happy about that.
Service wise, I'm still enjoying keeping the house clean for Syr. :) It's become something that I take a lot of pride in. Something as small as making sure the ceiling fans get dusted every day gives me this great feeling as a slave.
So yes, while there are challenging hard things we're working on, there is also still a solid foundation of a true desire to be the best and healthiest me I can be - for my Owner AND my own sake. And that helps drive everything and is what gets me/us through the harder things.
