Learning to give up control

First off, I've really been getting a LOT out of the 3 sentences task that Syr has me doing. I'm finding that it's serving as a really good record of my state of mind from a submissive and/or little girl space for the day and it's really useful. It gives Syr a glimpse into where my head is at and keeps me feeling connected and self-aware, as writing always does.

One thing that's been coming up a lot for me lately is a new kind of self-awareness. I'm starting to learn to take more and more responsibility for my headspace, for how I'm feeling and how that feeling may or may not impact my behaviour and the people around me, most particularly my Owner.

I've had some pretty intense lessons around all of this the last few days. Last week, I really messed up and let my bad day bleed into my tone and treatment of my Owner and picked a stupid fight with Her. She got angry with me and then I got panicked and didn't handle it well at all. One thing I had to do was give Her some space - something I struggle with... and I did it, but it was really hard!

I managed, though, to learn a few things about how I react when I'm freaked out about having made Her angry. I learned that my mind will grasp at desperate measures to turn the situation around and make it so that it's all about me. I learned, by thinking it through, that I didn't want to respond this way - that if I've behaved badly I want to keep the focus on the person I've hurt by my behaviour (my Owner) and not try to make it all about how terrible I feel and how I need Her reassurance that everything is okay. It's tough work, but I am working to break decades of really bad, unhealthy patterns and this is a part of that process for me. So, there were some valuable lessons learned and some good epiphanies had as a result of the stupid argument - so that's been a positive takeaway.

Yesterday and today both presented opportunities to take responsibility for my mood. At different times both yesterday and today I was being a little moody and touchy - intense as my Owner likes to call it. I was able to recognize it, admit it, and because I was consciously aware of it - NOT let it turn into something. Instead, by admitting it and being aware of it, I was able to relax and the feeling went away - I was able to enjoy the rest of my day. Previously, if I was having an intense sort of day, emotionally, I would almost always pick a fight (not intentionally, of course, more of a subconscious pattern). But I didn't do that, so those were big successes.

Then, today, there was another moment where I was presented an opportunity to learn something. Syr called me on a, relatively minor, bit of defiance. But I was feeling defensive over it and caught myself falling into that habit of trying to make it all about how bad I felt about the behaviour which then created a whole different layer of stress. I had to listen to my Syr and drop the subject because it was about to turn into another little fight, and I did. Then I realized what I'd been doing and realized I should admit my new epiphany to my Owner. In doing so, I realized how scary all of this is. Admitting that I have realized I was doing something manipulative or unhealthy is a very vulnerable thing and really makes me feel like I am giving up even more control - which of course I am and which, of course, our whole relationship is about. But it's just that it keeps getting deeper.

I love that it's getting deeper, but it hit me somewhat hard today just how scary that is sometimes. I am so vulnerable with Her, so raw, so open and there is no side of me that I can keep hidden. Nothing is left in shadow - everything is brought into the light and some days I feel very exposed.

There is good and bad in this feeling. Bad is the fear and the nervousness that being so exposed creates - but good is the knowledge that I am safe, loved, and treasured, and being so vulnerable allows me to surrender even deeper to Her, and that feels amazing.

Spanked with a... hammer?

I have been terribly negligent in my blogging lately, a fact which I have not failed to notice and neither has my Syr.

She's given me a new task - to ensure I email myself (or jot down) a subject to write about each day by way of helping me remember to blog, so today was the first day I did that. It doesn't mean I'll always journal in this blog, but it will help me to remember to journal somewhere daily which is Syr's expectation.

Also in the same vein is a second new task. No matter what else, I must blog three sentences a day. This seemed perfect for my Tumblr blog so I posted the first one there, today. It's in the sidebar, here, on my blog page or at http://herlittlegirl.tumblr.com/

Anyway, on to today's topic... Syr's hammer.

Yesterday, we were standing in the kitchen and Syr was doing some baking (peanut butter cookies - yum!). To amuse Herself, She was whacking me with a variety of kitchen utensils in a relatively playful manner - though She did get me one seriously stinging slap with a wooden spoon.

I think I probably play-pouted about all this smacking, and Syr's response was to gloat that She could probably smack me with ANYTHING and get me to like it. Joking, She added, "I could even get you with My hammer and You'd like it!"

I rolled my eyes, hands on my hips and said something like.... "A hammer? Yeah right!" because this was banter after all. But Syr's eyes glinted and pointed a finger, directing me to brace my hands on the counter. I hesitated and laughed and then I saw Her actually pick up the hammer.

But She snapped Her finger more meaningful as She pointed me back to the counter and came at me with.... Her hammer! She hit my bottom carefully with it, in the fleshy parts, but not overly gently. I was surprised at how quickly I dropped! Not only was there the psychological thrill that my Owner was hitting me with a HAMMER (come on, that's hot, right?) but I was liking the way it felt.

Recently I discovered that I LOVE having my bottom punched, and hard. It is a delicious and deep thud. The light taps with the heavy hammer felt like a very mild form of the same sensation.

She only did it for a few minutes. But it made an impression on us both. There was something silly and hot and erotic and delicious about the entire encounter. And that was BEFORE we ate the cookies.