Her little girl

Combative Energy

2011-12-28T12:38:00.000-08:00

My Owner gave me an assignment for today. I was to meditate, yoga, and meditate some more - and then write about a topic of Her choosing: Combative Energy.

Well it certainly makes sense that She would want me to mediate first.... to get into a more contemplative head-space before tackling a more intense topic.

Usually, when She assigns a topic like this, it's because She wants to see "stream of consciousness" style writing - without a lot of editing or second guessing. Making sure that I'm first in a receptive frame of mind probably opens the door to better or clearer thinking, which may allow for greater insights. Guess we'll see.

I think that, by combative energy, Syr is referring to a particular mindset I get at times - fairly regularly - whenever something is going on that has me feeling at least a little bit intense.

This mindset usually involves a way of communicating I take on that is really negative. It's not mean or necessarily rude, it's more that I tend to communicate entirely in "no's" if that makes sense. I don't actually say "no". I imply a negative frame of mind or a non-supportive or argumentative stance by throwing up objections, asking questions intended to put Her on the defensive.

When I say "intended", that is how the questions are worded. It isn't my conscious intention to put Her on the defensive, but that's exactly what happens.

Example:

Syr: "Do you want to go to the store?"
me: "What for? Why do we need to go to the store?"

A non-combative energy response might look like this instead:

Syr: "Do you want to go to the store?"
me: "I'm not really feeling up to going out. If we need something, though, I'm up for making a quick trip." (or something like that).

I don't know. To me that second one still sounds a little combative. I think that's because anytime the answer to a question is truthfully "no", I don't really know how to handle that. As in, I don't know how to say no without feeling intense about it. I think that's a big part of where the intensity comes in. Because I'm uncomfortable providing a no-type answer, I feel uncomfortable about anything I'm saying, so I try to avoid saying no by challenging the question, rather than just being honest. This seems to stem from an issue I have (in general) with being blunt with my opinion if I think the other person wants to hear something different.

Syr is incredibly reasonable. She rarely gets annoyed or frustrated if I don't want to do something She wants to do. She likes the things we do to be mutually agreed upon when it comes to day to day type things. Obviously, as my Owner, there are things She will ask me to do that I don't really get a say in, but even then if there is a legitimate reason why I need to delay or can't do what I'm asked, She will always listen and make the decision best for me in the long run.

So, why am I so uncomfortable just saying words like "no" - unless I am being over-the-top playful/obviously bratty etc? That's an interesting question.

It obviously stems from not ever feeling like I was allowed to as a young person (long family history stuff there). That's the logical conclusion.

So, what do I do about it? This comes down to a situation where I am once again throwing eggshells at my own feet. The reality is, if Syr were to say "Do you want to go to the store?" and I were to say (politely) "No." and not say another word, She'd probably inquire as to why. I don't think She'd be annoyed with me. Where annoyance (and combative energy) seems to come into play is when I say "No, I mean I've had a long day and you know work was tough, and I'm still sick and I'd really rather stay home and and and and..."

Because, then it puts Her on the defensive. If I simply say no, She would surely follow up to ask why or if I'm feeling okay or whatever afterward - right? Funny, even writing this down I don't feel confident. LOL No is just hard for me. So I seem to say everything else BUT, and that comes across so much worse. Because as SOON as I do that, Syr will get frustrated and then I'll panic that I've done something wrong and get defensive and it all goes downhill from there.

She does blunt all the time with me and it works just fine. Sometimes I get a little huffy about it, but it is usually just a tiny little blip and we move on and either discuss it further or we drop it and do something else.

Combative energy doesn't only rear its ugly head when I want to say effectively "no" to something, though. That's just one example.

Other times/ways it comes out is if I am feeling angsty in general. Sometimes this is because I have a particular expectation about something - like I got myself fixated on a particular activity, or goal for the day/evening and something Syr has said has indicated that She's taking us in a different direction, so I'll get generally combative and (not entirely consciously) throw up objections or ask the objection-ish questions like in my examples above.....

I've written about this in the past because it's that whole letting go of control thing. If I've gotten an expectation about something, or become fixated on how my day is going to play out - I'll get combative when She takes over (hello! that's Her job!) and steers us in a different direction. It's rarely, if ever, because I don't like the direction She's taking us in - it's usually because it's Her steering now instead of me, and I don't shift gears very well.

Last night is a good example. I didn't realize it at the time, but I'd gotten fixated on how the evening was going to play out. I didn't realize HOW fixated until way later when I got some distance from my bout of combative behaviour. Syr was feeling very sleepy and was steering the evening in a different direction - which is Her right and privilege as my Owner..... and I was struggling with shifting. I unintentionally made some remarks that showed that deep down I was trying to "get us back on track". She called me on it and I denied it. I really didn't think that's what I'd been doing! But after the subject was dropped and everything was going well, I realized I was grumpy in general because my evening wasn't going how I'd planned and that's when I realized She'd been right all along.

In the end, though, we ended up snuggling together in bed and watching a show that was interesting and funny. I really enjoyed the quiet time with Her. Letting Her steer the remainder of the evening didn't hurt. It was pretty pleasurable. I just had to let go of that need to control.

It's so difficult to explain how all the things that Syr does to try to boost my confidence and make me a stronger person are so effective BECAUSE I am able to give up control. When I am grappling for control - that part of me that wants me to grapple that is - I am at my unhealthiest. When I release and let go, surrender and submit, I transform into the me I want to be. I become confident in healthy ways in the areas of my life where I want to be confident and self-possessed. I am more self-aware and feel healthy and handle my emotions much better. When I grasp for control (whether I get it or not), I am not in a good place. Combative energy - that type of behaviour is a warning sign that I'm behaving in an unhealthy way.... because all the combative energy comes from a sudden 'urge' to be in control. And those urges don't spring from a healthy place in me. They come from a long history of abuse that I am working very hard to overcome.

And so, I've learned some things - as is usually the case when Syr gives me something to write (and think) about. :)

Thank You, Syr!

Charmed

2011-10-05T15:52:00.001-07:00

The Guesthouse

This being human is a guesthouse
Every morning a new arrival
A joy, a depression, a meanness
Some momentary awareness
Comes as an unexpected visitor

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture
Still treat each guest honorably
He may be cleaning you out
For some new delight!

The dark thought, the shame, the malice
Meet them at the door laughing
And invite them in
Be grateful for whoever comes
Because each has been sent
As a guide from the beyond

by Rumi

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I feel as though I have been adrift in a sea of uncontrollable circumstances, lately. I have met worry and sadness, disappointment and hurt, and faced a variety of tumultuous events one after the other in the last few weeks.

Through it all, I have remained anchored in the simple sweetness and security of my place in my Owner's life and at Her feet.

During the most troubling times, I have found solace in the feel of a stinging slap, the carpet imprints on my knees, the textured fabric of Her collar around my neck, and the weight of the cuff and chain at my ankle when I sleep.

I have faced heartbreak and fears of abandonment by loved ones who do not have space in their lives for me, but also the comfort and joy of a strong family at home. Our little family - so secure and loving, trustworthy and communicative - is my home base, and my anchor.

There have not been only unpleasant things of late. There has also been love - so much of it, and connection, unity and celebration for all that we have - which is all that we need. Whatever losses, dissapointments, and hurts I have experienced are small when compared to this Big Love that I am so blessed with.

I dedicate this post to the purity and power of love, devotion, faith, honour, and the One in my life - my beloved Owner - whose presence reminds me every day that I lead a charmed life, indeed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Two Forms, One Soul

Happy is the moment, when we sit together,
With two forms, two faces, yet one soul,
you and I.

The flowers will bloom forever,
The birds will sing their eternal song,
The moment we enter the garden,
you and I.

The stars of heaven will come out to watch us,
And we will show them
the light of a full moon –
you and I.

No more thought of "you" and "I."
Just the bliss of union –
Joyous, alive, free of care, you and I.

All the bright-winged birds of heaven
Will swoop down to drink of our sweet water –
The tears of our laughter, you and I.

What a miracle of fate, us sitting here.
Even at the opposite ends of the earth
We would still be together, you and I.

We have one form in this world,
another in the next.

To us belongs an eternal heaven,
the endless delight of you and I.

by Rumi

Re-balancing

2011-08-23T08:23:00.001-07:00

Life has been... nuts ... lately.

I haven't gone anywhere.

My Owner and I are still doing good... great even. Some new things have fallen into place lately. Syr has a day job again (after a three year hunt!) and it's an AMAZING job... so perfect for Her in every way.

Her other job was starting to just zap all of Her energy, and time.... and we were certainly falling into a bit of a rut. There were other circumstances too - some dental stuff Syr was dealing with, and stresses I've been dealing with as well at work and healing stuff from my past.

It's all coming together and things are feeling like they're headed in a super healthy and amazing direction.

I'm looking forward to going away with Syr in a couple weeks. We're spending a few nights away at a resort to unwind and recharge - and reconnect. Three nights of privacy.... and not a lot planned.... there's some potential for interesting things to post about later, I'd say.

Rode hard, put away wet

2011-07-24T22:36:00.000-07:00

"Rode hard, put away wet" - I really love that saying. It just sounds dirty in all the wonderful, wonderful ways that something can.

This is exactly what I feel like this weekend, too. And it was completely unexpected!

Both my Owner and I have been a not-so-fun combination of sick and hormonal for what feels like several weeks! We weren't completely over all our stuff but we were certainly on the mend. But, rest assured, I had NO expectations for some hot, sweaty sex anytime soon....

And then Saturday happened.

Oh, Saturday....

We had this unexpected stretch of complete and total privacy at home. Not the kind of privacy that you don't know how long it's going to last but some pretty solid privacy. Still, I didn't think we were (either of us) in the mood for anything naughty.

I had no intentions of enticing or seducing my Owner (honest! no... seriously! I wasn't even in the mood), but there was something kind of fun about knowing I could safely be naked just for the heck of it. Syr and I were planning to head off to run a couple of errands and I was just hanging out upstairs, buck naked, when Syr came up to get changed.

There was no immediate pouncing but there was a wee bit of snuggling while She just enjoyed me being naked. There may have been a wee bit of bratting, and perhaps a challenge, which then turned into a playful spanking...

Which then turned into a far more serious spanking. My Owner's bare hands on my bare bottom is my absolute favourite kind of spanking. No worries about the sounds of the stinging slaps so we both got quite involved in it. Before long, She was balling up Her hands into fists and punching the fleshy parts of my ass which just ... really gets me going. It creates this deep, thuddy sensation which wakes EVERYTHING up...

So THEN... i was in the mood. And, apparently, so was She.

Before I knew what was happening, my Owner had slipped on Her cock, and some lube, and Her finger was sliding into my ass.

This is still a relatively new area of exploration for us, but one thing is certain. Ass play of any kind makes me feel insanely vulnerable and ridiculously little... and that is an effect that my Owner absolutely... positively LOVES. She enjoyed every whimper She could pull out of me with Her finger moving inside me in this way. I was trembling with vulnerability and the intensity of what I was feeling. It was luscious and frightening in all the best ways.

Still, I was almost grateful when She replaced Her finger with the plug, seating it firmly in my ass. But then, She pulled me up onto my knees, and drove Her cock into me from behind.

And I felt so full and taken, every sensation was magnified ten fold. And the best part, was there was no one else home. I didn't have to keep too quiet. I am naturally noisy, so being able to really let loose vocally just made everything seem even more intense. She fucked me like this, the plug deep in my ass, while I was on all fours... and then She flipped me on my back and fucked me from the angle that allows Her to climax as well.

She used me, hard, and I felt so taken and owned and it was all so overwhelmingly delicious!

We managed to still get out for our errands, but it was less than eight hours later, when She went for round two! A repeat of earlier that afternoon, though ultimately much gentler, since I was sore and tender. And afterward, all I remember, was falling into the deepest oblivion of sleep.

Oh yes.... I was definitely rode hard.... and put away wet. And it was... FANTASTIC!

Out of control

2011-07-12T11:33:00.001-07:00

You know, the hardest moments to stay grounded in the reality that I am owned and not in control, are the moments that I most desperately want to "feel" (note: not actually "be") in control.

Several times a year, at approximately the same time, I become very.... volatile. This seems to happen around the major holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas.... and my birthday. Since the latter is just around the corner, and I happen to also be extremely hormonal, AND recently emotionally triggered, you can just imagine that I am a whole lotta fun right now. Oh my poor Owner.

See, when I feel out of sorts or out of control of my own mind and/or emotions - I seem to grasp for control anywhere I (think I) can get it. This means that I don't want to agree with anyone, for any reason - most especially the One who has all the Control... because I want to be the one in control (except I don't really). Is this confusing to you? Yeah, it's confusing to me too.

So far, I have succeeded in not picking a fight, which is pretty impressive since what I really want to do is let all those whirling emotions out somehow and picking a fight has tended to be the salve of choice to my wounded psyche in times like these. It's not a healthy outlet for either of us and I certainly don't do it intentionally but it makes a twisted sort of sense that when I'm fighting against feelings around not being in control that the One in Control would be the target of all that emotion.... so it was a status quo sorta thing that used to happen. And, to my Owner's credit, She has always had the insight and patience to recognize where this behaviour was coming from - and was able to help me come to grips with it after (and sometimes during) these episodes - which I suppose is a large part why it's easier for me to recognize and be aware of it now.

And so, as I mentioned, I've managed to avoid doing that, mostly by being self-aware enough to recognize my headspace and smart enough to shut up when things seem to start heading in the wrong direction.

What I haven't learned how to do, though, is to completely avoid being snippy and combative. Sometimes, this has seemed to amuse Her, and sometimes, annoy Her, but my ability to back off and check myself - even while avoiding backing *down* entirely, has helped to avert disaster. But it leaves me feeling ungrounded and unsettled.

What I feel like I want and need is someone to fight with - and lash out at, but not be hurt, so I can let out all the random emotion that's flying around inside of me. I think I feel so safe with Syr, that I tend to want that to be Her. Enter an intense craving for a take-down - a hard ass scene where I fight with everything I have and She overpowers me (physically or psychologically), and puts me in my place, and yanks the tears out of me.

The interesting thing is, that as much as I crave it, I also fear it.

So where does that leave me?

The little things...

2011-07-07T09:40:00.001-07:00

I find myself noticing, and appreciating small moments between my Owner and I that are interspersed throughout our day. Amid the chaos of running our household and dashing here and there on errands or upkeep of the yard or finances, there are constant reminders of our dynamic, of the interplay of energy between us. In these moments, I often marvel at how something that might seem so innocuous to an outsider, but have enormous significance between us. Like... ~ when we're out shopping and I get a little too bratty or sassy, and She puts Her hand on the back of my neck and gives it a firm, but authoritative squeeze, reminding me of my place. It usually settles me down relatively quickly, and it certainly is powerful. ~ when we're in the car, and She wraps Her hand in the back of my hair and gives it a firm pull, just because. When She does this, it grounds me, settles my energy, and roots me to the earth - and to Her. ~ the way She tucks me into bed at night, not only the obvious moment when She fastens my sleeping collar on my neck, but the caring way she plants light kisses on my forehead right before lights go out. ~ how I always check in with Her after every decision that I have had to make that I normally would have gotten Her approval on - but couldn't for a number of circumstances. This always feels like a bit of a confessional, not of wrong-doing but of admitting that I had to make some decisions and wanted Her approval on what I've done. It's not the telling that is so powerful to me, it is my awareness that I am prepared to hear that I have behaved inappropriately - if that's the case. ~ the eager way that I get excited to share my accomplishments with Her in a "Look what i did, Daddy!" manner. She's always so genuinely proud of me when I do something that She knows is difficult for me, or when I've met a milestone or goal. This genuine pleasure in my success is what makes me feel so eager to please Her in this way. She encourages me, always, to be the strongest, best, me I can be. ~ the way She keeps an eye on me, protectively. She never stifles me in any way, but She is always aware of me and where I am - whether we're in a mall or getting ready to cross the street. To some, this might seem condescending, but I know that She is perfectly aware that I'm capable - and so Her attentiveness makes me feel safe and valued... treasured. Whether She's pointing out an obstacle on the road when I'm driving, placing Her hand in the small of my back when we're in a crowded place (aware of my claustrophobia in crowds), or automatically taking my hand when we cross the street. There are a thousand moments like these peppered throughout the time we spend together. Even when time-shortages or other circumstances prevent us from having as much 'hardcore' D/s time as we might wish, there is never a loss of connection between us, never a moment when I don't feel safe, owned, and loved. When I stop and think about it, these moments are the real 'cement' of our dynamic - and not the times when I am in my formal collar and leash, kneeling at Her feet (no matter how lovely those moments are).

Sleepy Sunday with my Owner

2011-07-04T11:02:00.001-07:00

Well.... Sunday was a sleepy, zoney, day. It was warm outside - beautiful actually. Syr had to work from 9:30am to 2:30pm so we were up relatively early (all things considered), and I took Her to work.

Once She was at work, I puttered at home a bit, played on my computer, and spent a couple of hours feeling very naughty watching dirty things online... which... made me feel very... VERY naughty. ;)

When I picked Her up, the naughty was all over my face so She guessed what I'd been up to VERY quickly (that always amazes me!) but She had a pulled muscle in Her shoulder so I knew She was out of commission (pout).

Still, I gave her a long back massage and then we both fell asleep for a nap. It was wone of those warm afternoons that just makes one want to snuggle and rest.

After our nap, though, Syr took me to the bathroom and showered me head to toe. I hadn't washed my hair since Thursday morning because I was trying to keep my tattoos fairly dry (they were getting gently washed and salved up about 2x a day to keep them clean but didn't want them too wet) and my Owner always says it's good to let one's hair get good and oily once in a while. The shower was wonderful. It's one of my very very favourite things to do with Her. The way She washes and conditions my hair and washes me all over makes me feel like such a spoiled little slavegirl - I can hardly express how submissive it makes me feel... in that treasured kind of way *happy sigh*.

After showertime, we went downstairs to cook up some quick dinner (and Syr did some needed gardening work). We had dinner and then for Sunday adventure went to Dairy Queen for treats.

Once back home, we puttered a bit more, and then headed to bed. I knew my Owner was hurting in Her shoulder so knew I wasn't getting any, but She'd said maybe I could put on a show for Her - so I'd planned to do that, but then we were all kissing and I was all wiggly and stuff and She put my hand to Her jeans and I discovered She was packing!!! So that was a squee-moment and we ended up having an AMAZINGLY hot romp, in spite of Her shoulder, and I slept soundly (as a very contented and satiated slave should!)

It was a luxurious and indulgent kind of Sunday. *purrr*

Pain, and feeling so grateful

2011-07-01T22:01:00.000-07:00

My Owner gifted me with three new tattoos this week. They were personally significant to me for a number of reasons. And while the money that paid for them may have largely come from my paycheck, and while they are not marks of slavery or submission to Her, and while they have nothing to do with Her - they still feel like gifts from Her.

It's so confusing to try to explain this, but the energy of our dynamic runs deep and isn't based on the superficial. It doesn't matter who made the money - it still feels like She is in charge of it, in spite of (or maybe because of) the fact that She never abuses the power that She wields in our dynamic and in our marriage.

Today, looking at the new marks on my body - that I love so dearly, I feel grateful... for these new gifts.... and grateful for the gift of submission that transcends assumption, stereotype, and expectation to reach a place of sweet authenticity.

I'm exactly who my Owner wants

2011-06-27T22:39:00.001-07:00

More and more every day, I realize that I am exactly the girl my Owner wants.

It's interesting, to look at my life in this lifestyle... to look at me, in my role as a slave, a submissive, a little girl as compared to every fantasy I ever had and what those roles "looked" like to me in my head - or even from whatever I could see from within the kinky community.

The more and more authentic our D/s is, the less it looks like pop culture, like the stereotype and the more it looks like, well, us.

It used to really bother me, like REALLY bother me, that other BDSM-ish couples might perceive me as being disobedient, bratty, out of control, and that they might look at my Owner as if She is a poor Dominant for 'letting me get away with it'. In fact, it used to give me incredible anxiety.

But the thing is, when She wants me to behave... She puts that expectation out there, and i behave. When She wants to ALLOW me to be bratty or playful - She does. If She wants to indulge me... She does. If She wants to put me in my place... She does.

The point is that it's always up to Her what behaviour She will encourage or discourage at any given time. And I really don't care, any more, how others perceive us - because She doesn't. She isn't worried about anyone else's approval for our D/s and neither am I.

The only one I need to please is Her. And I do.

And that's what matters.

3 Sentences

2011-05-04T21:35:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned, here, that my Owner has taken over the finances in the household? I still do the administrative/management type stuff which happens to be something I do well at and enjoy the service side of - but She makes all the spending decisions. I am amazed at how good this feels and how relaxed I am about money (by comparison) as a result -- grateful.

3 Sentences

2011-04-30T20:39:00.000-07:00

Today began with a terrible nightmare that my Owner was through with BDSM with me and was going to join up with a local club to pick out my replacement from among the current older member's adult daughters - sooooo I woke up crying. :( Syr was very reassuring (and sympathetic) and took me to breakfast at our favourite greasy spoon, which was an especially nice treat as we hadn't been in a while. We ended up having some really good "us" time which felt good and the dream was only that.

3 Sentences

2011-04-29T23:20:00.001-07:00

I'm having a bit of a rough day. In general, the day has been okay but I tweaked my lower back bowling yesterday and it made me a bit cranky - especially so in the grocery store with Daddy earlier this evening. Thankfully, She reigned me in very quickly and all ended well.

3 Sentences

2011-04-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

Today was not the best day ever in some regards (was very sick last night, and so a little under the weather today - and my Owner and I got in an argument that, while short, sucked) but was good in others. The good parts were getting some alone time with my Owner to go shopping and get a coffee - and the way we are able to work things out when we do argue. Knowing that She loves me, no matter what, is really wonderful - particularly on days that aren't perfect from sun up to sun down.

Private time with my Owner

2011-04-23T23:49:00.000-07:00

Today was positively blissful. We were blessed with some unexpected alone time for almost the entire day. We don't often get opportunities like this, particularly when both of us are home and Syr doesn't have to work a weird work shift right in the middle of the day. In fact, Her shift was early this morning so She was done working by around 1pm.

When we got home, I got to work colouring eggs. I had a blast! I had some hollowed out eggs and some hard boiled eggs and made them all prettiful. It was a great deal of fun.

And then we had the house to ourselves by 3pm (ish)

To say we made the most of our time together would be a wild understatement.

First things first - my Owner took me upstairs and promptly gave me a long, luxurious, and intense spanking and paddling. She started with a cane, lightly, and then warmed me up a bit with Her hands... and then moved on to the big paddle. I always seem to lose all sense of time but it felt long and I had the freedom to be noisy - which is a rare treat. She turned the paddle sideways using it for a heavy, thuddy sensation that has left me feeling wonderfully bruised. It was fantastic. It has been a long while since my last Good Girl spanking and I was in heaven. She counted me down to orgasm several times during - and afterward pulled me into Her arms and we fell asleep in the filtered sunlight for about an hour.

After our nap, we went out to dinner at our favourite Pho place, and then back home. Within an hour of getting back home, Syr took me upstairs and fucked me absolutely silly. We had a nice shower together and then went out for dessert and coffee...

Do days get any better than this?

3 Sentences

2011-04-15T21:16:00.000-07:00

I had a pretty good day today, even got some time in the sunshine. After work, Daddy and I went to a plant store and picked up some carnivorous plants (a venus flytrap & a butterwort) as well as some other garden goodies (strawberry plants!) and She even bought me a pretty windchime to hang over the little pond next to our patio. Now I'm just snuggling with a blanket while Daddy just has some "Daddy time".

3 Sentences

2011-04-14T21:38:00.000-07:00

Being a good girl - is definitely all it's cracked up to be. There's something special about that type of smile Daddy gets when I'm being genuinely good and pleasing Her. It makes me feel like I am showing Her a little bit of the gift She gives me by treating me so well.... <3

3 Sentences

2011-04-13T22:17:00.001-07:00

Had a miscommunication with my Owner tonight that could have turned into a fight but didn't. It just goes to show that staying calm and explaining one's self respectfully goes a long way. Going to bed, peaceful.

3 Sentences

2011-04-12T18:52:00.000-07:00

My Owner took me upstairs, after work, and fucked me silly. There's something extra naughty and exciting about "daylight" sex, at different times of the day than one usually associates with a romp in the bedroom... ya know? Needless to say, in a relatively short (read: intense) bit of time, She managed to transform a stressful workday into a positively BLISSFUL evening... *happy sigh*

3 Sentences

2011-04-11T21:47:00.000-07:00

Today was actually a pretty good day. I got a lot done at work in spite of a completely insane workload right now and Syr met me at work afterward and we got some shopping done. We made some changes to some of the ways we handle money which puts Syr in charge of a lot more of our spending decisions in a more official way and I'm really LOVING how that feels.

3 Sentences

2011-04-09T15:01:00.000-07:00

Today, Daddy took me to the store and bought me TEN new Webkinz and TWO new Mazin' Hamsters (part of the Webkinz family) because there was a gigantic sale. Before that, I had been feeling grumpy and unsettled and was trying to figure out how to get my head on straight. These two facts are technically unrelated because Daddy didn't take me to the store because of the mood I was in - however, the end result was that being taken out for such a special treat helped me remember all the wonderful things about my life.

Obedience

2011-04-08T21:22:00.000-07:00

So, let me get this straight.

She directs.

I obey.

Got it.

It's all easier said than done, of course, but I'm making big strides, and I feel pretty good about that. Everything I'd ever believed about 24/7 has been at least a little further from the reality than I could have expected - but the rewards of the reality are way way beyond my wildest imaginings.

It's easy to obey when we're all alone and I'm on my knees, Her collar locked around my neck and the handle of the leash attached to it, looped lazily over Her wrist.

But obeying when I'm standing in the kitchen, grumpy and tired from a long day at work when I stepped a little bit out of line with something I said and She's trying to stop a little bit of crankiness from turning into a full blown fight... well that's a different thing.

It used to feel almost impossible, and I rarely succeeded. But, lately, while it's hard - I know it can be done and I succeed more often than not. I may not succeed as much or as quickly as I would like, but it's still progress and I'm proud of it.

I'm learning (not just giving lip service to) some basic truths which are REALLY helping me in this effort...

1. She's in charge for a reason - because I trust Her - so when She orders me to drop a subject, or stop talking, or whatever, I trust that She will always, ALWAYS allow me to come back to it later - with a clear head and a respectful tone - if it is truly important to me (and She always has).

2. She has the right to speak to me more aggressively than I am allowed to speak to Her. She has the right to speak curtly, abruptly, or to speak to me in a tone that is not entirely to my liking. This does not somehow mean it is "fair" for me to do the same to Her, nor does it mean that She has been at all UNFAIR in choosing to use these forms of communication when they are necessary.

3. The reason She has this right is because I gave it to Her when I agreed to surrender to Her as Her slave. I gave Her that power because I believe She will never use it unless it is to my greater good. And I've never felt as if She's abused the Power she wields - ever. She's always been very cautious to act only for my greater good - sometimes to the detriment of Her own personal comfort. I believe in Her.

4. Life is GOOD when I obey. Not because I am 'under Her thumb' but because obeying Her means I am acting in ways that are most in harmony with my authentic self, without letting old negative programming have too much power. When I obey Her, things aren't always easy - but things certainly are harmonious. We don't argue over anything important, anyway, with rare exception - so that's not the kind of harmony I mean. I mean the kind of harmony when I know that I am being held accountable by Her and by myself to behave my best. This means that I feel better about myself, am more relaxed.... happier.

Growth is good.

3 Sentences

2011-03-29T22:40:00.000-07:00

Today, there was an exercise in listening, and trust. It was a little thing, a change in one small aspect of how we handle the money, but I just remained open in the moment - and it all was resolved so beautifully. It is this sort of sublime surrender that makes me feel so sure of this world and my place in it.

3 Sentences

2011-03-28T21:26:00.000-07:00

I'm absolutely thrilled to be a redhead again. I can't believe how much I missed it. Syr really wanted to see me in my natural hair color but she gave me permission to go back to red and did it for me last night - so happy!

3 Sentences

2011-03-26T00:53:00.000-07:00

My emotions are really near the surface today. All day I've found that I get very sensitive over lots of things, way easier than normal, and tears - right there. I've managed my emotions well, considering, and am proud of that - but ready for things to normalize, now.

3 Sentences

2011-03-23T19:40:00.000-07:00

(The 3 Sentences exercise hasn't been abandoned completely, but most days I do daily writing of a much longer variety for my Owner's eyes only - which has been really good for me.)

I triumphed over hormones and a crappy day and remained obedient and mindful. It feels really really good to be such a good girl for my Owner. I have been rewarded with a very happy Owner (and the priveledge of a couple glasses of wine this evening). :)

Earning Her collar... again

2011-03-19T21:39:00.000-07:00

My Owner and I recently went through a challenging few days. It was instigated by a backslide in my behaviour. I am often a rather bratty slavegirl at the best of times and when life dictates that we act fairly vanilla due to lack of privacy, I had gotten in the habit of being especially careless and especially unaware of my behaviour as it pertains to our dynamic. This escalated Monday of this past week when both Syr and I were sick, pretty sick actually, and so we were both out of sorts and not ourselves. I ended up picking a fight over something ridiculous when Syr was really really really not feeling well. She gave me every opportunity to be more aware, She communicated Her limits and boundaries very clearly but I just motored on through anyway. The result was swift action on Her part and an announcement that I needed to do some serious thinking about Her collar and the D/s between us and what it meant - and that it applies all the time and not only when it's convenient. Essentially, I had lost the privilege of Her collar for the time being.

This, obviously, threw me into a bit of a tailspin, but what was really amazing was that I did not actually panic for very long. Sure, I panicked, I wallowed, I stayed in bed way, way too long the following morning feeling depressed and sorry for myself.

But, what happened shortly after I got out of bed surprised us both. I started to relax.. and the sensations in my mind, heart, and body was suddenly not fear - but trust! I realized that my job in this process was to learn - not to fret about the future, that was my Owner's job. And so, without Her collar, for the time being, I set to my task. I wrote a great deal during that time, pretty private and intense stuff. I wrote what I was feeling and thinking and what I realized about my recent behaviour and as I wrote, new awarenesses rose to the surface. I realized that I had been compartmentalizing my behaviour - isolating the good from the bad, convinced that when I was good - that was good, and when I was not good, that was not good, but never looking at my behaviour as a whole. I realized I also had done that with my Owner. When She was doing obvious things to assert Her ownership, She was being dominant, but when She wasn't, She was still my Owner but I didn't perceive or treat Her EXACTLY like my Owner... if that makes sense.

And shortly after THAT, I realized something else that I never expected. Even though I was without Her collar, the D/s seemed to still be there. I realized that formalities completely stripped away, what remained was that She still seemed to be in charge and I still seemed to be obeying and eager to please Her. Every thing that She said or did was geared towards guiding or teaching me, with love - and everything I did seemed to be about being a good girl (in the healthy sort of ways). Even the way that She had gone about removing the collar to "teach me a lesson" was a teachery, loving Dominant, thing to do. I realized that collar or no collar - I was still very much owned and She was still very much my Owner.

The important thing to note about our relationship is that it began as a D/s friendship with benefits (overly simplified way of putting it but accurate enough to make my point) and then we fell in love. The D/s and love/romantic-relationship were intertwined from the very beginning. She collared me just a day or two before She went down on one knee to propose to me, engagement ring in hand. And over the course of our relationship and marriage, the D/s has integrated in such a way that it has seeped into even the most innocuous of romantic gestures. She is such a loving and gentle Dominant, always concerned with my greater good. Everything She encourages, pushes, or orders me to do are things that will benefit me - sometimes while inconveniencing Her. Some of these things could feel vanilla, I suppose, but knowing Her as I do, they are the ways that She asserts Her ownership. And I thought of all of this during this break from D/s and realized that this break from D/s was no break at all. I felt uncomfortable without the formalities, the trappings and I was saddened that I had taken so much for granted and hurt my Owner, and I was disappointed that it had taken such a drastic step to wake me up - but within me was a growing confidence.

I'd spent so long trying to live up to my expectations of myself as Her slave that I stopped giving myself credit (and Her credit) for all the ways we make this work in loving and healthy ways every single day. A lot of my bad behaviour was insecurity and fear-driven. Like, some part of me didn't think I deserved to be Hers. And now that I was without the collar I'd never really felt I deserved, I suddenly realized I absolutely deserved it... that I was absolutely Hers - collar or not.

So two days, solid, of thinking and writing about all of this was a big part of the process. I didn't share those writings with Her, because I didn't want to inadvertantly influence or end up subconsciously manipulating Her while I worked through everything (not that She'd let it, but I needed to know that the writing and learning I was doing was genuine and not coming from a place of "telling Her what She wanted to hear"). And then, on the eve of the second day, I told Her - "I still belong to You." It wasn't a question.

She looked at me, and I could see that "happily surprised" look on Her face. She walked right up to me and said - "Are you sure?". And I said "Yep". And She made a crack about how I was very thick headed and that it was amazing I finally got that after five years. The next day, after some more writing and checking in with myself, I decided that I was ready to ask for Her collar back. I did that, that evening, which would have been Wednesday night. I knelt at Her feet and asked for it back. One of the things She asked me before answering me was "Do you finally feel like you have earned it? that you deserve it?" And I nodded quietly and whispered, "Yes, Syr".

And it's the truth.

I slept in Her collar and chain that night for the first time since Sunday and slept very confidently and calmly. A new level of trust had been reached, taking my submission to Her so much deeper than I ever realized it could. Ever since then, being good is easy. Obeying, is easy. Being mindful, is easy. So many things that seemed hard and complicated before now seem natural. I realized that a lot of my push-back and brattiness (not the cute kind of bratty of course) was a form of constant pushing for reminders that She was in charge. I don't need that anymore. Going a couple of days collarless made me so aware of just how often I am reminded every single day - reminders I'd started taking for granted so long ago - that I am owned.

We had a lovely quiet evening on Thursday night and I spent much of it just sitting at Her feet. She allowed me to wear my dress collar, the one that locks on, that night and again last night.

Last night, She had me make a nest of blankets and pillows (and clean laundry that hadn't yet been folded) and I slept on this nest on the floor next to the bed. Having me sleep on the floor is something She'd wanted to do for a while and it was the perfect night for it. I slept down there, one ankle chained to the bed, my dress collar on, and felt so loved and contained and safe. I awoke feeling so very little.

After coffee, my Owner ordered me up to the bathroom with Her, and She pulled me into the shower with Her and She washed me from head to toe. She gently washed and scrubbed my face. She washed my hair, twice, and rinsed every bit of soap off of me Herself. She dried me with the towel and snuggled me in bed after and I felt so divine, so loved, so cared for.

I know that She is proud of how I handled all of this. I know that She was happily surprised just how much I learned and was able to take away from the experience and most of all, I know She is so pleased that I finally feel so much more secure - so much more worthy of Her collar - and of Her in general, and it feels good to be good. It feels good to feel worthy. It feels good to be Owned.

Satisfied

2011-03-12T12:51:00.000-08:00

I'm absolutely one hundred percent positive that I have felt this satisfied before, but to be completely frank, i can't remember, exactly, maybe because I'm feeling so damn good right this very moment. ;)

Last night, after writing, I had to take my Owner to work and then begin the torture. I decided to snag Rosie because she is small and would fit in my pajama pocket and could be easily hidden if I was struck by a sudden loss of privacy.

Rosie is a small, fits great in the palm, battery operated vibrator, one of the very few small vibrators that don't suck, but then I have always been a huge fan of Fun Factory products. ;) This particular vibe is great because it doesn't look particularly naughty, has a bunch of fun settings, and has that nice smooth round top so I can just set it in the right spot and leave it.. After all, if I was going to have to masturbate (but not cum) once every thirty minutes for a minute at a time, this seemed the logical choice.

So I did that every thirty minutes for a minute - using my iPod stopwatch app to keep track, and I must say that a minute was too short. It wasn't long enough to get me close enough to be as torturous as I think my Owner had intended. I blamed Rosie's passivity for this and so for the last three or four sessions, I used my fingers instead, trying to focus really hard on trying to get close to cumming.... this was more torturous but the minute was still too short. Maybe two minutes, if I was really focused, or three if I was using Rosie would have been more effective - in the way that my Owner wanted it to be effective, I should say. Though I do give myself major good girl props for trying to torture myself at the level I knew my Owner expected. *pats self on back*

In any case, suffice to say, that after an entire evening of torturing myself, I was REALLY glad to see my Owner when the time came to pick Her up from work. And She seemed to be in a particularly good mood when She got in the car. It was obvious that She was enjoying the hell out of torturing me! Then, I went and admitted that I still had Rosie in my pocket. I'd been in a rush to get out the door to be there on time and didn't want to run back upstairs to hide Rosie away. I don't know why I mentioned it, I guess I thought She'd be amused. I did not expect Her to ask me to pull over, and instruct me to put Rosie back between my legs (thankfully over my clothes), and then had me continue to drive.... to McDonalds.... go through the drive through... order a snack for us to share.... pay... the whole bit.... it was actually pretty difficult. I was so worked up already, and trying to keep a straight face and not let my arousal show on my face as I placed our order... was no small feat.

Thankfully, She allowed me to remove it shortly after leaving McDonalds. ;) But when we got home, I wanted to go straight upstairs (no passing go!) and that, we did.

To my relief, She asked for Ripper and the thigh harness. There's something about that combination that is so incredibly intense. Ripper has so much texture and is the perfect length. Combining the thigh harness which allows my Owner to use more force and pressure and the angle of using Her leg allows Her to get so much deeper made me absolutely crazy!

I was begging before long, it was so intense, and She gave me permission to cum, and then ordered me to cum again and again and again until I didn't think I could again. I grabbed Rosie, wanting so badly to cum clitorally while She was fucking me, but I was having issues... nothing was working the way I wanted... not to mention that I was ridiculously slippery. So after commanding several more internal orgasms from me, my Owner used Her fingers... I was so grateful... and She made me cum so fast and hard... and then She kept going! She has this trick that makes me feel like She has three fingers all on my clit at the same time, stimulating it from different angles... and once She started doing that, with me still overly sensitive from already having had several orgasms, I went crazy... I was almost too sensitive, but She wouldn't let up. She ordered me to cum again and again... and again... i was pleading with Her to stop, that I didn't think i could cum again but every time I was sure my body just could not or would not allow ANOTHER one, She ordered it - and I did it.

I passed out briefly.... but She woke me up.... just long enough to wrap me up, snuggle me close, and hold me until I fell fast asleep.

It's no wonder I woke up in such a fantastic mood!!

Clothed

2011-03-11T18:40:00.000-08:00

I am so bloody horny I can barely see straight. Where did that come from?

Oh yeah, it came from last night -- no pun intended.

So I am always frisky but was definitely frisky last night and my Owner was feelin' pretty good, or seemed to be, and so She was putting off all those "i'm gonna have some woman later" sorta signals and so a good portion of my evening was spent in anticipation of some naughty time later that night. We played some video games together and had great conversation and She's all walking around commando, in blue jeans, and a beater, looking all kinds of sexy.... did I mention I have a big thing for hands.... forearms.... biceps.... and shoulders? Arms... really it's arms... top to bottom it's alllll arms. Anyway, there's a look about Her that's so classic when She's wearing that. Not having boxers on underneath Her jeans just makes Her look a little more rustic in a way. Sexy..... knowing that it's only one layer between me and Her. I don't know... it's a thing... and the way She looks walking around in a beater, the way it highlights Her shoulders. Geesh... I just kept looking at Her like a piece of meat all night long. Who knew that it was possible to be this attracted to someone. *happy sigh*

Anyway, bedtime rolls around and I shut off my computer and get ready. We head upstairs together and She announces that She's going to fuck me silly with Goldy, the giant cock. Now, we haven't used Goldy in a while because we're both big fans of Ripper, now... with all its many ridges and bumps. Goldy is smooth... but big.. thick...and heavy and long. Well, I know my eyes got big at that. She teased me a bit more, about that, asking me which cock I wanted. I really don't like having ot pick and admitted as much. I love them both for different reasons and it HAD been a while since I'd felt Goldy but I couldn't really tell which I wanted in that moment... but She decided Goldy, so Goldy it was.

Then She seemed to have some kind of epiphany ... mentioned how it was too bad She hadn't thought to strap up before She got dressed. She watched me carefully for a reaction and I tried to keep my face smooth, not that it worked. No, for me, there is something incredibly hot and incredibly erotic about being absolutely naked, and being fucked by someone who is completely dressed... particularly when "dressed" includes blue jeans. Well, I obviously must have had a visual *perk* on my face because She strapped up and pulled Her jeans back up - and then put on Her leather jacket.

Oh. My. God.

Maybe it's a stereotype, but even if it is - it's one we both enjoy. A hot, sexy butch, my butch, my Daddy, my Owner in blue jeans, a beater, a leather coat, jeans unbuttoned and one of those strong butch hands wrapped around a thick cock..... is there ANYTHING as sexy as that? Well, maybe there is - but not if you're me. ;)

So there She stood, just oozing butch strut, and I couldn't take my eyes off of Her, or off of the cock She was wearing, supported by Her hand wrapped around it. I took it all in, getting weak in the knees, and Her other hand reached out and grabbed my hair, which pretty much finished the job, and my knees buckled, both because they were just DONE and because of the pressure my Owner exerted on the back of my head with that handful of hair....She guided me down, and with a single command, "open", claimed my mouth with that huge cock.

In seconds I was whimpering, clawing at the denim of Her jeans with my hands, and She had me on my back on the bed in short order after that, and before I could think or breathe, She was over me, inside of me, taking me.

Goldy was silky smooth, but so heavy and deep. I luxuriated in it, but I also luxuriated in the feeling of vulnerability. Feeling Her, clothed, layers between us, and feeling (and smelling) Her leather jacket... grabbing it with my hands, clawing at Her... it was incredible. There's something that makes me feel so submissive when I'm in that position, naked while She is fully clothed, but still fucking me. I love grabbing at Her jeans or Her ass as it peeks out, Her jeans getting scooted down lower as She fucks me. It's hot. Really hot.

She fucked me good and well last night and i came so hard. And I swear... it's all I could think about today. Now I'm extra aroused, more so than before, like having a taste of something so sweet, and the way it makes you crave even more.

I admitted this to my Owner this evening, silly me. Now I have to take Her to work for a four hour shift. I've been instructed to play with my clit for one minute, every half-hour, until it is time to pick Her up from work again. If I forget, or miss any, She'll beat me. She knows this means that I am going to be an absolute wreck (already am, but even more so) by the time I pick Her up from work. *tremble*

She hasn't given me these sort of instructions for a while, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I am completely affected by it. I feel very owned, and very, very, very much in need of more of Her.....

Take Down

2011-02-05T15:05:00.001-08:00

That was fun. I was playing in the dirt with Daddy. Well not exactly playing. LOL We were doing a bit of prep work in the garden. We have two garden areas where we grow veggies and stuff every year and the weather is just starting to improve enough that we need to take advantage of these breaks in the weather to get things ready to go. This year that involves pulling up some of the old stuff and laying the area with plastic to kill all the old weeds and stuff that are lingering there. It turned out that we only had enough plastic to cover one of the two garden areas. It still felt like we accomplished a whole lot. Daddy has said this year I am going out with Her to work with Her (or at least keep Her company) every time She is working in the garden this year when I am home. I like it a whole lot once I'm out there so I think this is a really good thing. I just tend to err on the side of lazy. LOL But I do very much enjoy being out in the fresh air and stuff, so I think it's a good plan.

Our D/s has been in a bit of a lull lately. It's not felt bad, though, if that makes sense. It's been feeling just fine. I think I feel comfortable and confident enough to know, now, that when we experience these natural lulls it is not a reflection on the relationship or the strength of our D/s connection but rather a natural bit of downtime usually caused by circumstances outside of our control. In this case, the primary cause has been some drama and stress with Daddy's workplace, and the tennis elbow (tendonitis) that She has been dealing with.

But, last night, I was craving being "little" again, and I really wanted to end up little in the biggest, baddest, most intense way humanly possible. I just get those cravings now and then, for something hard... harsh... intense. I was also having a lovely date with Daddy, though and was in a fantastic mood - as was She. I got bratty, in the humorous kind of ways, and was teasing Her, playfully challenging Her. On the car ride home, though, She made it clear She had me all figured out. She knew I was goading Her into a take-down. So, She refused to give it to me. I pouted. I pouted a lot. But, then I got over it (so to speak) and settled down. Once I settled down and let go of my expectations (and had parked the car), She took a big handful of my hair, pulling very tightly, and very quickly reminded me of my place.

I had a few moments of kneeling at my Owner's feet before we went on to other activities for an hour or so, though She allowed me to wear my collar on my wrist (a subtle way of wearing it when we have a bit less privacy). Then I got to cut Her hair, quite short, just the way She knows I love it, and we bathed together. I loved having Her in front of me in the bathtub, leaning back, while I washed Her by hand. There is something so completely sensual about bathing together, about washing Her like that. It put me in a soft and submissive place that I loved.

After the bath, we ended up in the bedroom, talking. And then, after moving my collar from my wrist to my neck, She fucked me. But it wasn't just that She fucked me, it was the WAY that She fucked me. She maintained every bit of control over the entire account from beginning to... end. She brought me to the edge of oblivion again, and again, and again - each time driving me farther until I was teetering on the edge, almost about to fall over... not entirely sure. I was begging, pleading to cum but all she said was "breathe"... "just breathe". Sometimes when She said that, She would back off, slow down, give me some room to actually breathe. But at a certain point, she didn't back off. She wouldn't give me permission to cum, but She also wouldn't slow down. Instead, She sped up, challenging my ability to comply, to obey in spite of the overwhelming sensations taking over my entire body. Finally... finally, she gave me permission to let go.... to let it all go... for Her...

And I did.

Zoney, sleepy, drained girl

2010-12-28T18:56:00.000-08:00

Both Daddy and I are really drained, today. We're both coming down off the holiday 'highs'. some of those high's are good (excitement! lights! presents! friends! candyyyy!) and some are not so good (bills! family drama! stressy micromanagey little girls (that's me)! obligatory visiting!). But, for the most part it's not so much about what *type* of high energy, it's about the fact that there's just been so darn much energy.

It also doesn't help that it's winter, it's cold, it's dark super early in the day, and is essentially snuggle/hibernate season.

So, today we're both kinda useless. LOL We're playing some video games and just generally hanging out being vegetables. The one nice thing is that we both have periods of feeling like this and they (usually) coincide, so we just relax in our vegetableness and it doesn't create any weirdness between us.

Bad girl blogger

2010-12-27T13:33:00.000-08:00

I will be the first to admit that I am a very bad girl when it comes to blogging! I was on a roll of consistency with my 3 Sentences Tumblr posts that Syr assigned me and then I got distracted (I'm a natural-borne scatterbrain) and the consistency fell by the wayside.

Syr's gone very easy on me where this is concerned for multiple reasons, not the least of which is the fact that I get a little bit anxious and angsty and unsettled and just generally 'off' around the holidays which means starting around mid-November all the way until after New Years. Let's just say that the holidays from my childhood involved a great deal of anxiety and stress and shades of that still colour my behaviour around this time of year. I'm blessed to have an Owner who not only recognizes and 'gets' this, but who seems to know exactly what I need during those times. Sometimes, I need to be pushed really hard to be responsible and aware of my behaviour. Sometimes, I need a gentle hand and to be held and allowed to cry and be messed up. Sometimes, I need to be guided gently to think about what's going on around me and sometimes, I just need a 'break' from thinking about it. She seems to always know what is needed and when and I feel very supported, but I also feel badly when I let things like this fall by the wayside because I'm too preoccupied with my own stuff.

So, to catch up. More and more, I find that even in our 'off' times, the D/s remains a consistent undercurrent to all our activities. This has been very apparent as Syr is recovering from a repetitive motion injury which has made things (like sex!) difficult. I am surviving, of course, but a little needier than usual as a result of the, necessary, break from more rigorous activities. I'd be lying if I didn't say that this bit of a necessary dry spell wasn't making me just a wee bit cranky at times, but I would not want Her to hurt Herself just to keep me feeling well tended to... and I'd be a pretty piss-poor wife, let alone slave, if I couldn't be understanding and do my best to care for her and reassure her that all is well - and well... it is! She is healing, slowly, and I do not feel we have suffered any loss of intimacy. Syr and I have that intimacy thing down pat! We talk and touch and snuggle and kiss and stuff all the time.... which makes the rest easy. She's certainly enjoyed a bit of the torture factor though. lol.

But, that brings me to the super exciting and awesome Christmas gift, She got me. Christmas Eve as we were getting ready for bed, She had me kneel and put my sleeping collar on - like usual. She asked me who owned me, and I replied that She did.... and then She had me close my eyes. When She had me open them again, She was holding a present for me!! I opened it up, pretty nervous, and found a catalog to our favourite (adult) toy store! But inside, was a gift certificate. OoOooOOoooo I get to pick out a new cock! WOO!

And then there was.... ANOTHER present... this one was softer. I opened it up and it was a brand new THIGH HARNESS. *fans self* Omg, the hotness. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea of a thigh harness. There's something really hot about it, to me. Syr one night made a makeshift thigh harness by being creative with Her existing harness and we had a lot of fun with it. This was a super thoughtful gift because She'd remembered how badly I wanted one for Her to use even though I'd forgotten. :-) The only downside was that we discovered that it didn't accomodate Goldy the giant supercock She usually uses on me. It did accommodate a smaller cock we already own. The fun will be picking out a new cock that will work in either harness/for either purpose and be super fun.

I can't wait to go shopping!

Long time, no post!

2010-11-15T23:04:00.001-08:00

It's been ages since my last post. Okay, I suppose a couple of weeks isn't ages, but it sure feels like it. Things with my Owner are very good, but there have been some difficult days in the last couple of weeks. This time of year tends to mess with my head a lot, thanks to lots of family 'baggage' from my childhood (yay! /sarcasm). Anyway, apparently at this time of year, like clockwork, I start picking silly fights with Syr, which is really counterproductive and just generally sucky for both of us.

Syr is, understandably, low on patience for this behaviour and I end up feeling really guilty when I subconsciously seek my emotional release in this manner. Thankfully, we had one bad day, one semi-bad day, and one mildly annoying day and that seems to have ended this year's streak. Two big things I'm working on are first, listening really really carefully (not just 'hearing' but really listening), and stopping when told to as Syr only tells me to stop or calls a halt to a conversation when it's in an unhealthy place. She never ever silences me or my opinions unless there is something dysfunctional going on - and I can always see that *after the fact* so I'm working on trusting more in the moment so I can remember that when I'm in full-on rant mode (or whatever the case may be).

So far, it seems to be working and even though I've had some fairly intense emotional days, they haven't resulted in picking any fights (at least not successfully) and so peace is maintained and we are both happier and healthier. Today is a rough day thanks to triggers but none of that is bleeding out in unhealthy or snarky behaviour - so I'm proud of that.

Sometimes it's the little successes that make the biggest difference.

Getaway

2010-10-31T14:37:00.000-07:00

Syr and I had a getaway last weekend. It was just Her and I at a hotel room for an entire weekend. We both had the Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off so it was some really nice connecting time.

Our weekend began when She took me to the local aquarium. We hadn't been in a while and I had a coupon. We had a great time, though we got there just a little over an hour before it closed. We got to see the giant octopus who was, for a change, not hiding and actually swimming around a bit - which I thought was supercool. We checked out our favourites, but then as the aquarium was announcing the closing, we went to check out the Belugas. No one else was around, and the one beluga, still a baby, was PLAYING with a nearby bird. It was the coolest thing. The bird was hopping along the walk at the edge of the pool in the trainer area and the beluga would roll onto her side and wave at the bird... then the bird would hop along to a new spot and the beluga would follow it. It was incredible! You just don't get to see that sort of stuff when there are crowds of people and trainer-led shows. We also happened by the sea otter area and got to see the otters munching on whole crabs. Usually they eat tidy little fish during the shows but they each just had a big ol' crab on their bellies and were munching away. It's interesting the type of things you can see when the tourist crowd dies down a bit.

After the aquarium, we headed to the hotel and got checked in. We got food not long after that and did some playing in the hotel casino. When we got back to the room, I remember casually taking off my clothes and kneeling next to my Owner. She asked me what I wanted, wanting me to say it, and I asked to wear Her collar, the fancier one that I only wear on occasion as it's rather bulky. She obliged and clipped the leash to it as well. This was how the weekend began and from then on, anytime we went back to our room to stay for a while, I would take off all my clothes except my panties and kneel while Syr put on my collar and leash. She'd keep hold of the leash handle unless She was sending me to go get something or to the bathroom, in which case the leash handle wold be looped over my wrist.

We had... some outstanding.... sex... of course. Syr had been teasing me for a week prior - lots of torture and torment and no permission granted to orgasm.

But also...I asked for (and got) a good girl spanking. One nice thing about a hotel stay is that an over-the-lap good old fashioned spanking is actually pretty noisy and we don't have enough privacy at home to indulge in that particular treat very often, so it is what I most crave when we do have the opportunity for more privacy. Thankfully, I'd been a good girl and so Syr didn't mind giving me what I'd craved.

We didn't have super heavy scenes... but what we did have was some amazing reconnecting time. What felt the best, quite honestly, was that simple ritual of removing most of my clothes, and kneeling for Her collar, and snuggling in bed with Her, while topless... feeling skin on skin... talking.... the simple reality of being Hers.

It turned out to be a weekend with more talking than sex, more gentle touches than rough ones - but it was exactly what we needed and wanted.

What I treasured most about that weekend was the simple, natural elegance of our dynamic. We didn't have to talk about what we were going to do, plan it, or decide the protocols - they just happened. And so, we've taken some of that away with us.

Once the weekend was over and we were settled in back at home, I just automatically began continuing the same ritual. Now, when we go to our bedroom at night to prepare for sleep, I remove all my clothing except my panties (unless it's cold or I'm fatigued/shivery and ask permission to wear more), and I kneel quietly and wait for my Owner to snap my sleeping collar around my neck. I ask for permission to climb into bed and wait for it to be granted before I move. Once in bed, my Owner attaches the cuff around my ankle that is chained to the bed.

I really get so much out of little rituals like this. And so our getaway provided a longer term little gift to us as well - one that we are both enjoying very much.

Hee hee

2010-10-29T22:57:00.000-07:00

I stole Daddy's cereal.

Hee hee.

Daddy made Herself a snack.... granola with peaches and a little bit of half and half... and it was yummy so i begged for a bite. Then She gave me some... then She let me hold the bowl... then I sorta stole the whole shebang..

In my defense... once She saw me enjoying it, Daddy said I could eat as much of it as i wanted before giving Her bowl back.

She just laughed at me when i gave it back empty.

I was hungry!

Service

2010-10-20T18:50:00.000-07:00

The other day, my Owner advised me I would be giving Her a foot rub. It wasn't anything particularly out of the ordinary. Rather, it was a fairly mundane request. Syr is on Her feet a lot for Her work and has recently discovered (after years of not being fond of having Her feet touched) that She quite enjoys a gentle foot rub.

Syr was relaxing on the bed, reading a book, and I knelt on the bed and asked if She would put on my sleeping collar before I began. She agreed and snapped it around my neck before relaxing back with Her book.

A strange thing happened when I began working on Her feet. It was quiet in the bedroom, and Syr was quiet, too - as She read. I felt like I was part of the room... a possession, treasured - but owned. I just melted into it, surrendering, and it was so meditative - so soft.

I wasn't anxious and waiting to be acknowledged or spoken to. There was this quiet acceptance on both Syr and my parts. This was just a part of the day, and that was what made it hot and powerful... in all its subtlety. Every once in a while, my Owner would glance over the top of Her book and grin at me in this very cocky way that would give me tingles.

And I realized, in that moment, that this was service, in the truest sense of the word.

Stand Up. Sit Down. Stand Up.

2010-10-17T14:38:00.000-07:00

The other day, Syr decided in the midst of a conversation where I was being a bit sassy, that I needed a bit of an attitude adjustment. I can't remember what the conversation was about, but I remember that Syr shot me a look and then told me to stand up.

I looked at Her a moment, confused, and She repeated Herself: "Stand up."

So, I stood up but She didn't say anything more about it before going back to the conversation. I was being a bit oblivious but a few moments later, She said: "Sit down."

I sat down and the conversation continued but then, again, still somewhat oblivious to what was prompting that silliness, She had me suddenly stand up again. I was starting to clue in that something about my tone or the way I was expressing myself wasn't entirely appropriate and that the stand up/sit down exercise was intended to make me aware of it.

After a couple more stand up and sit downs, my whole demeanor changed and I felt very little, very vulnerable, and very corrected. We didn't discuss it or analyze it afterward. But it was a simple and direct reminder that She is in charge - and that I will obey Her.

A couple of days later, She did this again. In a way it makes me feel almost a little silly, but part of the way it makes me feel reminded and corrected IS feeling a little silly. It's kind of like the way in movies or books a teacher might haul a kid up to the front of the class when they've misbehaved. I felt attention drawn to me, even if we're alone. I feel exposed.

But part of the effectiveness, I feel, was in the way She simply injected it into the conversation, into the day, without pausing to make it all about that. Instead, it was merely background... inconsequential... not giving me "attention" per se, but instead exercising Her authority simply and because She can.

Effective.

Whimper

2010-10-02T21:02:00.001-07:00

My Owner is torturing me.

*pout*

Last night, She decided it would be fitting (no pun intended) to send me to bed, filled, without permission to have an orgasm.

She decided this after basically asking me pointed questions, and demanding my honesty, about what I thought about the idea. Now, in my own defense, I'd like to point out that I knew it would be torturous, but I couldn't help admitting (because it was/is true!) that it also sounded hot. It also sounded like something that would put me in my place - asserting Her ownership in such obvious ways always does.

I'm not sure if that wasn't the most evil part! Because, while my Owner could have done this to me without my consent - making me first admit that some part of me wanted it only adds to my torture. Because now I can tell myself that I asked for this! What a mindfuck that is...

So, yes, last night Syr sent me to bed with a cock, and not a terribly tiny one either, seated deep inside me. Panties and jammy pants put on over top to help hold it in. And after nudging it with Her knee a few times... and Her hand.... until I was wanting and aching with the need to just be fucked with it... to cum.... THEN She tells me to relax and breathe and go to sleep.

But, She never said She couldn't cum....

So laying next to me, Her fingers started moving on Her own body... and I was so worked up that I just wanted, no... needed... to serve Her in this way. So, I replaced Her hand with mine (with Her consent of course) and bringing Her to orgasm only made me feel all the more owned, all the more sure of my place as Her slave. She shuddered with release while I trembled with need - and then we both went to sleep.

This morning, I woke up aching like crazy. When She removed the cock without using it on me, I cried with need. It was challenging. I've spent the day hyperaware of the burning desire between my legs and yet it's also made me feel very, very little and very owned.... very much not in control and very contained.

Just now, Syr mentioned what She might put inside me for sleeping tonight. I'm all nervous about the thought. Admittedly, I assumed She had intended to make me cum tonight, but now I'm not so sure. She says She hasn't decided yet.

I'm trying to be patient. If I beg now, the answer will surely be no.

Patience..... not my strong suit.

Learning to give up control

2010-09-26T21:36:00.000-07:00

First off, I've really been getting a LOT out of the 3 sentences task that Syr has me doing. I'm finding that it's serving as a really good record of my state of mind from a submissive and/or little girl space for the day and it's really useful. It gives Syr a glimpse into where my head is at and keeps me feeling connected and self-aware, as writing always does.

One thing that's been coming up a lot for me lately is a new kind of self-awareness. I'm starting to learn to take more and more responsibility for my headspace, for how I'm feeling and how that feeling may or may not impact my behaviour and the people around me, most particularly my Owner.

I've had some pretty intense lessons around all of this the last few days. Last week, I really messed up and let my bad day bleed into my tone and treatment of my Owner and picked a stupid fight with Her. She got angry with me and then I got panicked and didn't handle it well at all. One thing I had to do was give Her some space - something I struggle with... and I did it, but it was really hard!

I managed, though, to learn a few things about how I react when I'm freaked out about having made Her angry. I learned that my mind will grasp at desperate measures to turn the situation around and make it so that it's all about me. I learned, by thinking it through, that I didn't want to respond this way - that if I've behaved badly I want to keep the focus on the person I've hurt by my behaviour (my Owner) and not try to make it all about how terrible I feel and how I need Her reassurance that everything is okay. It's tough work, but I am working to break decades of really bad, unhealthy patterns and this is a part of that process for me. So, there were some valuable lessons learned and some good epiphanies had as a result of the stupid argument - so that's been a positive takeaway.

Yesterday and today both presented opportunities to take responsibility for my mood. At different times both yesterday and today I was being a little moody and touchy - intense as my Owner likes to call it. I was able to recognize it, admit it, and because I was consciously aware of it - NOT let it turn into something. Instead, by admitting it and being aware of it, I was able to relax and the feeling went away - I was able to enjoy the rest of my day. Previously, if I was having an intense sort of day, emotionally, I would almost always pick a fight (not intentionally, of course, more of a subconscious pattern). But I didn't do that, so those were big successes.

Then, today, there was another moment where I was presented an opportunity to learn something. Syr called me on a, relatively minor, bit of defiance. But I was feeling defensive over it and caught myself falling into that habit of trying to make it all about how bad I felt about the behaviour which then created a whole different layer of stress. I had to listen to my Syr and drop the subject because it was about to turn into another little fight, and I did. Then I realized what I'd been doing and realized I should admit my new epiphany to my Owner. In doing so, I realized how scary all of this is. Admitting that I have realized I was doing something manipulative or unhealthy is a very vulnerable thing and really makes me feel like I am giving up even more control - which of course I am and which, of course, our whole relationship is about. But it's just that it keeps getting deeper.

I love that it's getting deeper, but it hit me somewhat hard today just how scary that is sometimes. I am so vulnerable with Her, so raw, so open and there is no side of me that I can keep hidden. Nothing is left in shadow - everything is brought into the light and some days I feel very exposed.

There is good and bad in this feeling. Bad is the fear and the nervousness that being so exposed creates - but good is the knowledge that I am safe, loved, and treasured, and being so vulnerable allows me to surrender even deeper to Her, and that feels amazing.

Spanked with a... hammer?

2010-09-13T20:13:00.001-07:00

I have been terribly negligent in my blogging lately, a fact which I have not failed to notice and neither has my Syr.

She's given me a new task - to ensure I email myself (or jot down) a subject to write about each day by way of helping me remember to blog, so today was the first day I did that. It doesn't mean I'll always journal in this blog, but it will help me to remember to journal somewhere daily which is Syr's expectation.

Also in the same vein is a second new task. No matter what else, I must blog three sentences a day. This seemed perfect for my Tumblr blog so I posted the first one there, today. It's in the sidebar, here, on my blog page or at http://herlittlegirl.tumblr.com/

Anyway, on to today's topic... Syr's hammer.

Yesterday, we were standing in the kitchen and Syr was doing some baking (peanut butter cookies - yum!). To amuse Herself, She was whacking me with a variety of kitchen utensils in a relatively playful manner - though She did get me one seriously stinging slap with a wooden spoon.

I think I probably play-pouted about all this smacking, and Syr's response was to gloat that She could probably smack me with ANYTHING and get me to like it. Joking, She added, "I could even get you with My hammer and You'd like it!"

I rolled my eyes, hands on my hips and said something like.... "A hammer? Yeah right!" because this was banter after all. But Syr's eyes glinted and pointed a finger, directing me to brace my hands on the counter. I hesitated and laughed and then I saw Her actually pick up the hammer.

But She snapped Her finger more meaningful as She pointed me back to the counter and came at me with.... Her hammer! She hit my bottom carefully with it, in the fleshy parts, but not overly gently. I was surprised at how quickly I dropped! Not only was there the psychological thrill that my Owner was hitting me with a HAMMER (come on, that's hot, right?) but I was liking the way it felt.

Recently I discovered that I LOVE having my bottom punched, and hard. It is a delicious and deep thud. The light taps with the heavy hammer felt like a very mild form of the same sensation.

She only did it for a few minutes. But it made an impression on us both. There was something silly and hot and erotic and delicious about the entire encounter. And that was BEFORE we ate the cookies.

Daddy's Tools

2010-08-22T13:11:00.000-07:00

These are a few of Daddy's tools.

More specifically, these are reserved primarily for punishment.

There is the duct-tape handled implement made out of the coat hanger which I not so lovingly call "the ouchie thing", the giant flat wooden spoon/paddle, and the almost pretty-looking but ridiculously evil "red thing" which was manufactured to be a rug-beater. It is, now, a little-girl-beater.

I've written a lot about discipline and punishment lately, but the reality is that these are a big part of my own growth in my D/s journey lately. Daddy's ability and willingness to punish me have deepened my connection and submission to Her and have also allowed me to feel even more safe and cared for and contained.

Recently, She had me bent over Her knee and, while spanking me, asked me questions about my state of mind. Answers like "I don't know" or "maybe" or "I'm not sure" got me more and harder slaps with the back of the scrub brush she was paddling me with, so I was not able to answer without dropping any hesitation or beating around the bush. She asked me if I thought She had been too soft lately, too lenient, and I admitted, yes, after a series of hard smacks. She asked if I needed Her to be harsher with me, and again I admitted yes.

I notice that when She gets too 'easy' on me, it is harder for me to find that foundation, that ground that I stand on, that everything else blossoms from. It's up to me to continue to press myself to trust and surrender and let go and move forward. I just truly appreciate the way that my Daddy can empower me by being willing to deliver those corrections when they are needed.

Thank You Daddy, for correcting me.

Quickie?

2010-07-31T16:04:00.000-07:00

I looked at Daddy, my lower lip sticking out just a little. Having just finished a Disoronno and Coke and feeling the warm, sensual neediness that always seems to follow a cocktail, my desires were unmasked on my face.

She knew what I wanted and She smiled at me, Her tone patronizing, "You know, if I give You what You need I'm just going to throw you on the bed and fuck you."

I couldn't tell if She was just warning me that She wasn't up to a lot of foreplay or if She was trying to turn me on, but my face must have given something away about my reaction to Her words because She continued...

"You know, use you up and toss you when I'm through with you..."

I could feel my insides churning, my clit involuntarily jumping with excitement at the idea of being used in this way.

"What do you need, little girl?" She asked, a coy and cocky smile playing on Her lips.

Without hesitation, I replied, "Your cock!", my voice almost a whimper.

She laughed. "Upstairs, little girl." and I jumped to scramble upstairs and begin my getting ready for bed rituals and smiled when I head the sound of Her footfalls on the stairs heading up behind me.

Teeth and hair brushed and washed up, I headed into the bedroom to find candles lit and a twinkle in Daddy's eye. She pulled my tank top up and over my head and then pulled my shorts and panties down, tossing them to the side and bent me over the bed until my forehead touched the mattress, my ass arched up and back, against Her thighs. I wiggled my bottom playfully.

"You thought I was joking, didn't you, little girl?" She asked, Her tone dangerous.

"Welllll... not exactly..." I hedged.

I stood up, fingers playing lightly along Her skin, seductively, but She shoved me back down causing me to land back on the bed on my bottom with a flop.

"You better get ready." She warned and reached under the bed and retrieved Her cock. I watched, fascinated as always, as She strapped it on and reached out to attempt to be seductive again, testing the waters, was She really going to just unceremoniously fuck me without preface?

Seconds later, She had lubed up Her cock, shoved me back on the bed, climbed between my spread legs and was aiming Her cock right against me and I knew, then, that one thrust later and She would seat herself all the way inside me - and indeed, without preface.

When I know Daddy is going to use me in this way, there is always a moment's fear. Will my body be ready enough to respond without too much pain? Will I be able to take Her huge cock in that one initial thrust? But something about the way that my body responds to Her and to this type of treatment almost always guarantees that I am, at least a little bit, ready for Her.

In a flash, She was inside me - this first thrust made it clear that things weren't as wet and slippery as they usually are and the dragging sensation only added to how taken and claimed I felt in that moment. And as my Owner's words began tumbling over me, Her mouth and voice grating at my ear, I knew that this was exactly what I needed.

She started off hard, fucking me, tearing the air out of my lungs with each thrust and I was instantly lost to Her. I needed to come so badly. I needed to feel lost and taken and owned and used all right in that moment. Over and over I was overwhelmed but Daddy was not about to let me come that easily. I begged, and She waited, but did not stop or slow.

She picked up the pace, in fact. She loves holding me at that edge when I am not allowed to come and have to focus to hold it at bay because it drives the intensity up exponentially. She likes to get me to the point where I am overtaken by desperation and can let it all go. And that is exactly what She was demanding that I be ready to do before She let me come.

It was hot and we were both sweating, already. Something about that added to the intensity as our bodies slid against each other so easily, the sweat lubricating all our skin so that it was slippery and sensual and raw and animalistic.

"You have to let it go, let it all go." She ordered, letting me know that until She could see that I was ready to do just that - to scream and cry and convulse beneath Her - She would not let me come.

She didn't hold back. She drove into me with near-painful speed and force. She grabbed my hair, pulling it back until my chin pointed behind me.

At one point, She shoved one finger into my mouth... or was it Her thumb? I don't remember, exactly - but I do remember that this seemed to do something fantastic to me. Something about the invasiveness of Her finger in my mouth makes me feel really taken and claimed and powerless. I almost craved more fingers, pressing into my mouth, stretching it open for Her. There was something that really triggered for me and my body went wild.

Not long after that, She covered my mouth and then my nose and fucked me harder until I was clawing at Her back for release - for breath and even more importantly at that moment - for the release of orgasm.

Only after long minutes of begging, of chanting "pleasepleasepleaseplease" over and over again like a mantra... only after She made me tell Her I was Her slave and Her whore and Her property - forever... only after She yanked a promise out of me to let it ALL go... did She finally grant me permission to come.

And I exploded. She fucked me while I came, and cried, and whimpered and clutched and clawed at Her. She demanded that I come again for Her, my Owner. She demanded I come for Her, my Daddy. She demanded I come for Her, my Wife and Love. She demanded I give Her everything I had in me at that moment. And, without hesitation, I surrendered my everything to Her.

We fell into a heap and I, unable to move, moved as close to Her as was physically possible, stroking Her skin lightly while Her fingers moved to draw out Her own much needed orgasm. She hadn't found precisely that perfect angle to come inside me, this time, but Her need was great and I moaned and twitched with aftershocks as I watched Her face and felt the pulsing of Her muscles as She tensed and then exploded with release - demanding I come with Her - an easy feat.

She rolled over, teasing me for my squirming, and moved Her fingers to my clit, still jumping and tense. She'd pulled orgasm after orgasm out of me from the inside while She fucked me, but my clit was aching as well and now She was offering, and then demanding that release as well as Her fingers moved in all of the exact right ways over my body. I was begging in seconds and happily obeyed Her when She demanded I come, many more times... more than I can count.

She'd been rough, and harsh, and intense. She was done with me now and got up, and, after washing us up, tossed me a pair of Her boxers, my favourite, for me to shimmy into - with Her help.

I snuggled up tight against Her, my body still vibrating, feather-light after such an exhaustive release, and drifted off to sleep not long after.

Yes, this was exactly what I had needed.

Of course it was.

Daddy knows best.

Tumblr

2010-07-22T18:57:00.000-07:00

I decided to give Tumblr a try for quickie thoughts, pictures, quotes, links, etc. I've created a gadget which you can see on the right side of this blog if you want to view my posts from right here on my blog!

My Tumblr page is herlittlegirl.tumblr.com

Defiance

2010-07-18T20:12:00.000-07:00

Life has been crazy lately. There have been numerous challenges in my Owner's and my world that had to do with things (and people) outside of our control. With all the outside stressors, the mood just hasn't been right for writing, though I do know that Syr fully intends to finish the story - I'm not always the most patient girl and that fantasy is hot so it's occupying a great deal of my mental attention.

I find that, true to form, with all the outside stress, I am in the mood for a fight. Not the literal kind of fight, but the BDSM kind of fight. I want to kick and scream and struggle and be taken down, hard. It may not be as physical of a fight as it sounds but there is that urge to just resist... to NOT surrender.. to be taken and not to let go until I am forced to let go, until I have no other choice. There is great release in these sort of exchanges. Syr has picked up on my mood and we've had a couple of playful exchanges where there was some struggle.

The other night, in just that mood, Syr quickly commanded my attention and ultimately my compliance by pressing two fingers inside my mouth in such a way that I could not squirm away from them. There was something invasive and hot and scary about this because, again, there was a loss of control. I fought, and I lost, though it was not overly physically taxing.

I think it's cyclical, this need to struggle, and to know that such struggles are ultimately futile by the way my Owner responds. It's one of those things that I used to do subconsciously, and unintentionally manipulative with previous relationships. Now, I am aware of it and try to make the mood known, to let my Owner know I'm in a defiant head-space, seeking a take-down... a release.

It doesn't mean that just because this is what I am aching for that it's what I'm going to get, but I often find that communicating it and being aware of it is what makes it a healthy expression and not a manipulative one. Defiant 'mood' or not, I am still going to take what I am given and if Syr is not in the mood to play that way, we play Her way. I just like to be aware when I'm in that head-space. It *can* and sometimes does bleed into otherwise mundane interactions and I can occasionally find myself snippier or short-tempered as a result of the energy I'm trying to calm on my own. This is where it can present a problem, but I think I've done a pretty good job (this time) of not letting that get the better of me and of, instead, communicating my mood and desires to my Owner to do with as She will.

Schoolgirl Fantasy

2010-07-11T23:46:00.000-07:00

My Owner and I were having a blissful sort of day, yesterday. It was the kind of day where everything flowed and we were just, quite simply, on the same wavelength all day long.

We started our day with some fascinating conversation over coffee and the conversation carried us through the next several hours until it gradually tapered off. The afternoon was quieter and at one point we found ourselves sprawled out on a picnic blanket in a shady spot under a tree watching a movie on Syr's netbook.

The movie, itself, was an adorable british comedy, but pervy me couldn't help but perk during one particular scene where a young woman was wearing a schoolgirl outfit, but with thigh high black stockings underneath. Syr noticed my perv-moment and teased me about it.

She made some offhand comment about how I wouldn't know what to do with one of those (a girl like the one in the movie) if I had one. This is true, I admitted quickly. I have always been physically attracted to feminine women, with a particular affinity for adult cheerleaders and women in schoolgirl uniforms - the young and innocent look on a grown up girl is hot, hot, hot to me. But, I also am only physically attracted - at a distant. I have an affinity for the look but would be petrified if one were actually standing in front of me. These women are fantasy-material, only, for me.

Syr then continued on to say... "But I would". The way She said it made my nether-regions do a little flip flop and my reaction must have been clear on my face because Syr perked right up. She clued in on my response right away. I muttered something shyly about how at least I could watch.

A fantasy began to be born and my Owner teased me with it for the duration of our afternoon. It played into my fantasies big time. Instead of needing to know what to do with one of these girls I like to fantasize about, I could bring one to my Owner and watch my Owner overpower her, fuck her, blow her mind - all while I watched. It was so hot to think about.

It is the kind of fantasy that I could not have even allowed myself to mentally entertain a few years ago when I was still raw and wounded from my adventures in open relationships and polymamoury. I am a monogomous girl. This fantasy is exciting and hot because it's a fantasy. It is not the kind of fantasy I would want in reality - that's part of what makes it so hot.

And I kept thinking about it. A lot. I was squirmy. I'm a very visual person. And after more and more teasing, an idea for a story was born. My Owner writes excellent stories, and it has been a while since She'd written one just for me. She got home from our wonderful day together and started writing. I couldn't have been more excited!

By the end of the night, when it was time to go to bed, Syr had a few pages down and She let me read them. They were.... amazing. I am very, very, VERY eager for the rest of the story.

But even thinking about the fantasy and what was written so far had me incredibly worked up! It was nearly 2am by this time and I knew the possibility of doing anything but just crashing into bed was unlikely. But when we got upstairs, Syr snuggled up to me on the bed and started verbally telling me a possible version of the story, and how it might end. She talked and talked until I was moaning with need.... and then She ordered me to undress and She got Her cock and I nearly squealed with delight.

What followed was that kind of sex that happens when both partners are just in exactly the right, and same kind of right, frame of mind. It was raw and animalistic and hot in exactly the right kind of ways. She kept talking about bits of the story as She fucked me, and I was over the edge. I came like the fourth of July and I don't think I moved after until sometime late this morning.

I kept thinking about it today and couldn't help succumbing to an urge to revel in some naughty bliss once more... with a bag of plastic clothespins and a vibrator (and my Owner's netbook set to one of my favourite porn-tube sites). Yes, I was a naughty girl, but really.... it is to my Owner's credit that I am feeling so insatiable all over again, so quickly after being so thoroughly ravished...

Belonging

2010-07-03T00:23:00.000-07:00

There is some part of me, some hungry and needy part of me that can only be satisfied by truly belonging to Another. Not, of course, belonging to just anyone, but a particularly special Someone who has earned my trust and my devotion, not by being rough and tough (although I certainly appreciate some rough and toughness), but by being sincere, tender, unashamed to be Themselves, honest, loving, and strong, who sees me as not just good enough - but exactly what They need.

I lived a lifetime of not quite good-enough: Not quite good enough to commit to, to be faithful/loyal to, to keep around, to be kind to, to treasure, to cherish, to truly love. And it wasn't so much that I was not quite good enough, but that I wasn't perceived as good enough, or rather that I wasn't treated as good enough.

But, what I didn't realize, is that the reason this was so, was not because I was somehow lacking, but because they were a poor fit for me, and I for them. In that light, it could just as easily have been perceived as them not being 'quite good enough' for me either. It is a bit like a poorly fitting shoe. Is it the fault of the foot, or the shoe that the fit is poor and why do we struggle so hard to shove our feet in the shoe anyway? When we do that, we end up with a misshapen, permanently damaged shoe, and often a permanently damaged and hurt foot. Lose-lose.

It is only in hindsight that I can see all the poor fits of my past and it is in reviewing them that I am able to look at my present, at the right fit, and realize how completely and perfectly it... fits.

Every part of me is fulfilled within my marriage. My little girl side has a loving and nurturing and firm Daddy. My slave side has a tender, strong, and wise Master. My conventional side has a loving and fair companion who never makes me feel 'less than'. My traditional side has a wonderful and appreciative Butch spouse who appreciates those little traditional/stereotypically housewife things that I like to do, not because I am a femme fulfilling a 1950's stereotype but because I am a woman who happens to just love the 1950's style housewife role.

I just feel very blessed to have the exact life that I want, that I have sought, that I need, and that makes me feel as if all of me has room to express and to be - exactly as I am.

Thank You, my Owner, my Daddy, my Wife, my Syr, my Friend, and my Love for being such a perfect fit.

Healing

2010-06-14T20:54:00.000-07:00

Her hand was suddenly at my throat, fingers curling over the edge of my collar, holding it tightly, making me instantly aware of the pressure of Her knuckles against my throat.

She pulled me up from where I sat back on my heels until I was kneeling up on my knees, arched. She tilted Her hand until my eyes met hers, my chin up instead of down, making sure I was meeting Her intent gaze.

Unexpectedly, Her hand swung back and she slapped me across the face, not nearly as hard as it felt to me in the moment but hard enough to get the message across.

"Who owns you?", She demanded in a voice that required I think about the answer before giving it.

"You do, Syr", came my whispered and reverent reply.

"Who VALUES you?" She almost growled, Her eyes boring fiercely into mine.

I swallowed, the world around us having ceased to exist. "You do, Syr."

"Do you get to decide how much I value you?" She asked, sternly.

The significance of the question settled down over and around me like a blanket and I paused before I replied, "No, Syr."

"Who gets to decide how much I value you?"

"You do, Syr."

She paused, giving my collar (and my head) a little shake to emphasize the point. "Do not EVER undermine me by presuming that your value to me is any less than I say it is. Is that understood?"

The tears spilled over and trickled down my cheeks as I held Her gaze. "Yes, Syr" came my trembling reply. No sooner was my response out of my mouth than my Owner pulled me tightly against Her, holding me close while I cried against Her bare chest.

Safe...

Contained...

Loved...

Valued.

Difficult conversations

2010-06-13T19:13:00.000-07:00

I've found that one of the hardest things about being in a 24/7 relationship is the difficult emotional stuff. We are each holding each other to a particular standard when it comes to communication and commitment to being our best.

My Owner had to have a difficult conversation with me today around one of my bad habits that She needs me to break, permanently, not only because it's unhealthy for me but because it's triggery for Her. This is, therefore, both a very serious relationship concern AND a D/s concern. There is a rule that I need to be obeying.

First of all, I just have to say, never underestimate the power of a stern lecture.

But seriously, sometimes being called on your stuff is hard. It's hard for both sides of power-exchange relationship. While I think all relationships would benefit from this depth of conversation and honesty with one another, power-exchange relationships require it in order to maintain a healthy balance between desires and functionality and true emotional/psychological health of both parties involved. The bottomy type person in the relationship needs to be able to speak up if the Toppy type person is doing something they are finding damaging/harmful (if the Toppy person doesn't know). The bottomy person has to be able to be clear about necessary boundaries, triggers, and emotional/psychological landmines that might need to be navigated around. The Toppy type person in the relationship has a responsibility toward making sure that they are not overstepping healthy lines, that they are keeping an eye out for the greater good of the bottom as well as the relationship, and that they are being vocal about what THEY need to feel safe/nurtured, etc as well. There are a zillion other communication needs as well... these are just some examples.

So, in this case, with a bad habit of mine the topic of conversation, some big stuff had to be discussed involving my Owner's personal background/triggers around it as well as my desire for help breaking the habit in the form of requested punishment. My Owner needed to know that I was as fully understanding of how this issue felt to Her emotionally and as fully committed to breaking the habit as I was desiring Her help with it. In other words, She needed to know that I wasn't just putting the responsibility on Her to 'fix it', which in a way I sort of was, but out of thoughtlessness/carelessness not ill intent.

But I find that conversations like this are tough. It's tough to hear that something you're doing feels harmful to your partner and it's tough to be held accountable and to be given responsibility and ownership over something and explained the consequences (both from a punishment perspective and a RELATIONSHIP perspective) if you can not fulfill your responsibilities.

In this way, I suppose, I feel far far more vulnerable in a power-exchange relationship than I ever did in former non-power-exchange relationships.

So today is sort of about that vulnerability. I don't feel 'scared', I just feel raw and sensitive and a little down on myself for the habit and contrite in a deep way. I don't know how to describe it..... just where my head is at.

Feeling soft

2010-06-06T21:29:00.000-07:00

I am having one of those days where I just feel very soft and content and so safe and loved that I am almost scared. I don't suppose that makes any sense. I feel very open and vulnerable and I suppose in times like this, when I realize just how blessed I truly am, how held and loved and connected I am to my Owner, my Wife, my Daddy, that I get afraid of losing this feeling.

It seems a little silly, but mostly I'm just happy.

I have a partner, a lover, an Owner, a Daddy, and a Wife who I can share anything and everything about myself with and know it will be okay, that I will be safe. That is not something to be underestimated. I have shared myself before, only to find that I placed my trust either carelessly or prematurely. Knowing how safe I am makes me feel almost giddy and reckless.

I wonder sometimes at the magic that is being so completely and totally in love. It is one of the most powerful things there are in this world. So I suppose a part of me is luxuriating in a bit of revelling and just enjoying the moment in my life as a snapshot in a time of just... wonderfulness.

I am...

2010-06-04T07:27:00.000-07:00

I am...

A little girl femme: Carefree and truly adoring of rainbows... butterflies... rainbows... pink... unicorns... and eating lucky charms for breakfast at work much to the dismay of my special-k and kashi-crunching coworkers.

A professional femme: A would-be workaholic intent on maintaining work-life balance and mostly succeeding, an office mouse and not a corporate climber. I'm most content in the guts of the business, working the business not watching it and have no interest in stepping into middle (or upper) management.

A pagan femme: My spiritual path lies mostly on the shores of Avalon with my like-minded Sisters but it also is on my Yoga mat and in dharma and meditation and a good old fashioned full moon circle.

A believer femme: I believe. I believe in people, I believe in the people I love. I believe in things that people tell me I shouldn't believe in - like Unicorns and fairies and dragons and true love. I'm not afraid to believe. I've been hurt like crazy for believing, and I will never stop.

A kinky femme: I am a submissive and a masochist but my masochism is never really just physical, there is always an emotional link or need or connection with the experience. I have had transformative experiences on the cross or over a bench or up on a rack and I continue to have transformative experiences every time I dive deeper into my submission and commitment to my Owner (who is also my Wife).

A shy femme: I'm an online socializer and am shy or timid (or ridiculously babbly and unfocused) in person. It's hard for me to make friends in person because I feel awkward and I trust people too easily and am too invested in their opinion of me. I am raw and real and this makes me vulnerable. But I am authentic and so the friendships I do make are genuine ones.

A romantic femme: I know I am a walking stereotype in some ways. I like to be the nurturer and the cook and the homemaker and the child-rearer and the white-picket fence gazer. I love old fashioned chivalry. I love romantic gestures. I'm that girl that swoons over hand picked daisies and a surprise picnic and thinks romance isn't about money but about heartfelt gestures that make me feel appreciated. I thrive on finding ways to let my one and only know how appreciated and adored she is as well, and this is part of the romantic thrill for me.

A mothering femme: Parenting is a part of my identity now, because it has - in so many ways - changed my outlook on life, my priorities, and my ability to deal with life and to accept responsibility for myself, my actions, and their consequences. Being a parent to these boys (young men now) has been and is one of the most rewarding things about my life.

A questioning, seeking femme: I'm always learning, growing, evolving and becoming. I fit best with others who are also on this path. Being on a growth path/journey in this life can be challenging... and it can be hard to make friends and then lose them as your paths go different directions or one moves on while the other has to stay a while. Growing hurts, but it's worth it.

A silly femme: no explanation required.

Beyond satiated...

2010-05-20T22:25:00.000-07:00

What a week!

A few days ago, Syr and I were getting ready to head to bed. I had already changed into my nightgown and we were both doing a bit of last minute fussing around the kitchen and living room to get everything buttoned down for the night. Syr surprised me by suddenly pressing me against the wall and kissing me deeply, groping by body playfully at the same time. I remember giggling like a young girl, feeling the way Her hands were sneaking under the hem of my nightgown and pulling away half-heartedly lest we get walked in on. My timing was impeccable as a few moments later, we were no longer alone.

After having moved into the kitchen to get a drink, though, we were suddenly alone again and Syr wasted no time. This time, She pressed me against the kitchen counter, tugging my panties over my hips to just above my knees, Her fingers found the heat and desire there and She commented on my readiness for Her. When am I not ready for Her?

She started manipulating my body in that expert way that She does and I was very soon whimpering with need and desire against Her mouth as She kissed me deeply, making it clear that She intended to have me right there. But, then, she stopped. She pulled away, reminding me that She owed me a spanking for an earlier infraction. She leaned me over the counter, my bottom high in the air as She pressed my shoulders down. She lifted my nightgown up over my hips exposing my bottom and delivered several quick, sharp, slaps that were intense physically but also psychologically in the way that my Owner had caught me so off guard. She stood me up and pressed me back against the counter and proceeded to work me over with Her fingers until I came, shuddering against Her. She knew that, in spite of the orgasm She'd just given me that left me breathless, She had only lit the fire of my need... and I could see that evil twinkle in Her eye that made it quite clear She had every intention of stoking the flames even brighter once we were guaranteed a bit more privacy.

She made me wait though... teasing me agonizingly by continuing our evening chores, wandering by me to kiss me - causing me to tangle myself around Her and pull Her closer, demanding more as our mouths and bodies intertwined.... only to pull away just as I started to lose myself again. She repeated this again and again for likely only minutes, but it felt like hours.... before taking me upstairs to bed.

There, I knelt near Her feet. She pressed my forehead down to the carpet in front of Her and set one foot on the back of my head, reminding me both verbally and nonverbally that I am owned. She pulled me up and laid me down on the bed and fucked me quite silly. It was luxurious how in synch we were. It was sensual but intense the way that our bodies connected. We were mentally in the same place at the same time and everything just worked smoothly and perfectly. She ground Her cock into me, hard, and ordered me to cum as She did, and then continued to fuck me thoroughly until I came as many times as satisfied Her. We both collapsed afterward, neither of us willing to move. We lay tangled in bedsheets and towels, each on the wrong side of the bed and fell asleep just like that.

The following morning had me walking on air. I was blissful but couldn't get the previous evening out of my head. It was like I was stuck in my memories. I was totally unable to focus. Just thinking about the way She had taken me, had me when and where and how She liked drove me to distraction until, on a whim, I took a risk...

I headed to the washroom on a break and, once settled in a private stall, did a physical check of my cunt, fully expecting to find what I did: swollen, hot... wet... and my clit hard and throbbing. I gave in to temptation and tentatively began making slow circles over my sensitive clit. It was going particularly well and I bit down hard on my bottom lip as I replayed the scene shared with my Owner the previous evening. A certain part of me, a naughty part, knew how thoroughly pleased my Owner would be at my brazen behaviour, even though I was risking a punishment for playing without permission. I imagined telling Her about what I'd done while my fingers moved in faster, and faster circles. I grabbed my own thigh, digging my nails in deep as my muscles clenched and I arched back. I was remembering how Her cock felt as it plunged in and out of me, and I remembered the huskiness of Her voice when She growled.... "CUM!" in my ear and I did just that, holding my breath to keep myself quiet in case the public washroom had become occupied while I was distracted. I pulled myself together, washed up, and straightened my hair before heading back to work, much more able to focus.

As I suspected, my Owner clearly loved hearing about my office debauchery. I could see Her swell with pride at how driven to distraction the previous evenings ministrations had left me. It was hard to feel too guilty knowing how much of a thrill She got out of my brazen rule-breaking. Clearly it was a decision that, while naughty, brought my Owner pleasure.

Days later, She was still making proud side comments in my ear along the lines of.. "10am in the bathroom, huh?" which made me blush and wiggle as I remembered and made Her grin and strut with pride. I could feel the energy She put off when we snuggled. There is a way She touches me when She's not yet done having Her fill. She grinds against me when She spoons me. She lets Her fingers linger longer on the back of my neck, and Her touch is more purposeful. It was like that yesterday into the evening.

I had been bratting earlier in the car and She had threatened a spanking if I continued. Now, in my defense, until a few months ago, a spanking was often with Her hand or at worst a paddle and rarely a "serious" punishment. It was often a more playful one, the kind that was thrilling and erotic but not particularly disciplinary. However, since the red thing (Our friend T calls it the Wife beater as He has a matching one so perhaps I'll call it that, too).... has been reserved for very serious discipline for the breaking of, well really one very specific rule. Since the bratting earlier was something else entirely, I was NOT expecting Syr to take the Wife Beater down off the wall and tell me to roll over on the bed with my bottom in the air. I resisted, arguing that I had no idea that had been what She was threatening. Syr reminded me that She can beat me, with the Wife Beater or any other implement for Her own amusement, even if there have been no infractions. I felt this was very unjust, but couldn't argue that She HAD warned me. I just didn't realize what I was being warned about at the time. So, I did roll over, but not without a bit of 'encouragement' from Her hand in my hair.

She did not hold back and, as usual with the Wife Beater, I begged and sobbed and She still did not stop until She'd gone past what I could handle, making sure the message was loud and clear. I had no say, I am an owned slave and my Owner may do what She wishes with me and this was for my greater good. I was, as always, grateful even through my tears but She did not hold me for quite as long this time. Instead, She left me to my tears and before I realized what was happening, She was pulling me up onto my knees, my hot and stinging bottom toward Her as Her cock nudged against my cunt.

She marvelled at how much of a contradiction it must feel like for me to be so contrite and tearful while my pussy was so hot and wet and ready for Her. I can't explain how the discipline that She provides can be so intense and truly physically painful and emotionally taxing and yet leave me so ready for Her, so aching for Her... but it does. And this is the first time She has taken advantage of that since She introduced true corporal punishment into our dynamic months ago. She wasted no time plunging Her cock into me, letting my stinging bottom smack against Her. I felt so taken, so thoroughly owned, and this position is particularly intense due to the size of my Owner's cock. She did not hold back as She tangled Her hands in my hair and pulled me roughly back onto Her again and again before ordering me to cum.

After just one orgasm, She ordered me onto my back and took me that way. She was merciless and rough but tender as always in the ways that matter. It's so hard to describe how well balanced we are in bed. The way that She maintains control and intensity and makes me feel so thoroughly claimed and submissive, fully surrendered - and yet can touch me so gently and kiss me so passionately. Sometimes i feel like being this in love and this fully devoted to each other is a walking contradiction to the intensity of an Owner/slave dynamic but my Goddess - it really works.

Syr worked me over with Her cock for over an hour. I lost count of how many times I came for Her. I remember the desperate way I clung to Her body, the times She made me wait and beg as She moved slowly and the times She moved faster than I thought possible piling my orgasms on top of one another like building blocks. I remember the point I reached when I thought my clit was on fire and She sat up and away from me, bringing my own hand to my clit and ordering me to get myself off, as I had in the bathroom the other day, but this time while She moved Her cock inside me. I came explosively after that, and again... and again. I was sobbing while She fucked me with the biggest emotional release I've had in some time.

When I woke this morning, I could barely move. Every muscle in my body hurts, including ones I didn't know I had. She so thoroughly decimated me last night that my libido is almost nonexistent. My body is almost devoid of sensation in the wake of the sensory overload of the last few days and I am...

totally....

satiated.

Chores and embedded D/s

2010-05-16T12:21:00.000-07:00

My Owner requested an update on how I'm feeling about my chores. It's been a while now. I'm not sure how long I've had daily little 5 minute minimum chores every day, but it's a pretty embedded routine now.

I think that there have been times that my consistency has been better (or worse) than at other times, but for the most part, I'm really keeping them in mind all the time. Some days I do quite a bit more than 5 minutes in each room. Some days, I do just about 5 minutes exactly. And, there have been days that I've spent just a few moments. But I've also noted that if I have missed a chore for any reason, that I often play "catch up" and clean any rooms I've missed at my next opportunity, so I think I feel a certain degree of ownership over the chores and making sure they get done.

It is a small but constant routine, though, that reminds me that I am doing them because I am owned and it is an expected service. This, alone, has done wonders for my mindset because it is an anchor point for when I first get home from work. And since I have an anchor point at bedtime, too, with the sleeping collar and ankle-cuff/chain combo - I have an anchor point at either end of my workday evenings. This has been really helpful. Weekends are a little bit more relaxed as I generally am only supposed to be doing the laundry-folding, but I often find myself a touch more service oriented on weekends, anyway, since I have additional time. I make sure to make my Owner's coffee most of the time on weekend mornings, for example.

I never thought I'd "like" chores, but the reality is that I have a sense of accomplishment for the little ways that this keeps our home more straightened up in the little ways that can more easily be neglected. And it has made my Owner feel more nurtured which is a huge perk.

All in all, I'm still really happy with them and so glad my Owner implemented them and that I followed through. We've really reached a new place with our D/s where it feels much more 'embedded' into our day. Between chores, bedtiime rituals, punishments, and such I am a lot more mindful of my place in the household and relationship on a more ongoing and consistent basis. This comes in handy when there is tension! ;)

An example.... Last night, Syr asked me to declutter my little shelf next to where my computer lives and - without over-analyzing - I totally reacted badly .... well overreacted really and was all kinds of out of line with tone and word-choice and stuff. I was getting so mad and upset and after arguing with me a bit, right in the middle of a tense moment, Syr just finally looked at me and said "You need to stop right now, go sit down on the couch and be quiet for a few minutes". I just looked at Her, the urge to say something, ANYTHING, was so strong. I opened my mouth and then shut it again and went and sat down. I felt as if I had been put on a 'time out'. So I just sat there quietly and thought about my behaviour (and obviously quickly realized I'd been behaving badly). Then, I had to fight the urge to try to "fix it" by offering an apology. I reminded myself that if Syr asked me to sit quietly for a few minutes, then Syr would tell me when it was time to talk again. I was actually mentally playing through all the scenarios of how long that might be. I pictured Her keeping me on 'quiet time' until it was time to sleep and how I would kneel by the bed but still not say anything (even apologize - eek hard!) until She told me to get into bed..... I went through all the possibilities and told myself that no matter what I was going to be quiet until She invited me to speak again, because that was all about trusting the order She'd given. It was really quite the mental process and I was actually really proud of how trusting I was able to be at that point. Thankfully, after about five minutes, Syr asked me some questions about the argument and i was feeling very softspoken and contrite and was able to answer Her questions respectfully. When She was done, I paused for a few moments and then apologized, sincerely, for my bad behaviour. And we went to bed, both content with how things had been resolved.

This sort of interaction just wouldn't have happened like this even a few months ago. But the more embedded the D/s gets into our day to day world, the easier it gets to allow it space when it is needed. I feel very grateful for this new level of consistency and reality within the power exchange of our relationship.

Sleeping soundly

2010-04-21T21:13:00.000-07:00

I've been sleeping very soundly, recently. I credit a number of things for the renewed sense of security and restfulness that I wake up with each morning.

Among these is my deeper sense of submission and obedience that has been unwavering since my epiphany a few weeks ago. Trust, faith, and service come easily or at least easier these days, and it is as if I am more in touch with myself. I am more self-aware and more able to curb negative behaviour patterns before they even start. Moments that, pre-epiphany, would have certainly led to a great deal of tension or even an argument instead seem to more often morph into conversation, most of the time shortly after I have voluntarily sat or kneeled down on the floor in front of my Owner to continue the discussion.

And along with this new sense of ease with my submission, there is an increased self-confidence and pride in my ability to overcome the negative habits of my past - which then makes it even easier to continue along this path.

And then there are rituals that have been very, very good for both of us.

There are the chores that I have written about, previously, that are becoming almost automatic. They are nearly habitual - though I still have to make a conscious effort to remember each day, the remembering is easy. Coming home from work, my chores are nearly always the very first thing I do. And as I complete each task I am reminded of my role in the household and to my Owner, and garner a deep sense of satisfaction from knowing I am being a very good girl - and without prompting or reminding from Syr. I have also noticed that my chores act as a segue between my work day and my at-home evening. The 15-30 minutes of quiet activity give me time to clear my head and shake free lingering stresses from my work day and slip into the softer energy and role I have in our home.

Of course, I have already written about the introduction of more serious forms of punishment into our dynamic. Syr has been unfailing in Her follow-through in this area and I am eternally grateful for the solidity that this has granted. I have found myself even more surprised, in an amused sort of way, at my compulsion to confess infractions - even knowing what awaits me as punishment. She has not held back from delivering on promised punishments even when mundane/vanilla life circumnstances could have distracted Her. The other night, for example, I had confessed to the breaking of a rule and knew I had a punishment coming. I fell asleep that evening on the couch while She played on the computer and when She took me upstairs to bed, a part of me was convinced She had forgotten, but She hadn't and She followed through in spite of the lateness of the hour and how sleepy we both were. I am grateful for the consistency because it is working. A rule I used to struggle on a near hourly basis not to break, I am suddenly only breaking a few times a week, sometimes less. It's a big success because it has been a very long-standing bad (mostly subconscious) habit. And I know that these punishments will eventually extend to other broken rules or infractions as well and I find that I am still so grateful for that and so glad for the boundaries it has created.

And then there is bedtime...

Syr recently began putting me in a simple collar every night for sleeping. The collar was bought, intended to be a "sleeping collar", and has been a wonderful anchor point in our day. At bedtime, I kneel by the bed, and other than my position it is not an overly formal moment. It is just that it is intimate and real and potent for me to remember my place each evening before I go to sleep. The click of the collar snapping shut never ceases to jolt me sharply with the reminder that I am owned, always.

And even more recently, Syr had the idea to begin chaining me into bed each evening. I embraced this idea with a great deal of enthusiasm. I was so sure I would love it - and I did. Syr very subtly attached the chain leash to a steel post in the base of the bed in such a way that the chain is very easily hidden and can stay set up at all times. On the clip end of the chain is a single ankle cuff. Each night after my collar is put in place and I have been given permission (whether verbal or nonverbal) to climb into bed, Syr attaches the ankle cuff and I feel the coolness of the chain and the security of my restriction. And I sleep..... like a baby.

To avoid disturbing Syr in the morning, I remove the cuff myself when I wake in the morning, and if She is sleeping soundly, I will remove the sleeping collar myself too, though most mornings - She does that, even if groggy. This doesn't take away from the meaning of the two things as I have not once sought to remove either item before the appropriate time and I am being held willfully after all. The collar and cuff are something I look forward to every night.

These rituals have their part to play but I know that it is a combination of all these things that have led to this increased sense of peace and security in myself and in my relationship with my Owner. It's always been there, it's just that I'm more in touch with it now.

I'm so in love.

Awareness

2010-04-11T19:35:00.000-07:00

Ever since this new shift in our dynamic, I have been finding myself increasingly aware of the way that I act and talk to my Owner. I mean, it seems like basics, right? But it's so easy to become complacent.

It's not something I'm forcing, but it's happening naturally. Syr says She would really like a coffee while we're running around doing errands. She never says another thing about it, but when we get home, I just remember and make Her a coffee. It's little service things like that that are becoming increasingly natural for me to do.

When it comes to speaking, I'm a nitpicky personality and it can be habit for me to make little comments about annoying little household maintenance things. Often, I'll just make a quick little flippant comment and go about my day. It's not one of my more attractive qualities, though, and I'm fairly confident not one that Syr finds particularly charming.

In any case, this morning while stumbling into the kitchen to make coffee, I noticed the lid to the sugar dish had been left off, again. I wasn't really very awake and started to say something about it and then just stopped. Like I literally started to make a flippant comment and the first syllable was out and then my mouth snapped shut. I knew I had to find a better way to say it ... but it took four open mouth to speak then stop moments to find the respectful tone I was searching for in my not-yet-caffeinated brain. I found it, though, and my Owner, while partially amused at all the stops and starts, noted that I often make those types of comments without thinking at my most awake of moments and here I was, groggy and by all rights should be at my worst for being able to pay attention to things like tone and yet... I had.

Boundaries seem to make a significant difference in things like attitude and the ease with which I might move into and out of 'service mode'. One could argue that, as Her slave, I should be in service mode at all times, but we're realistic and there is a difference between being 'willing' to provide service to my Owner when She asks for something (which i almost always am) and being eager to. The moods where I am "eager" to provide service are certainly mood based and usually these modes are when I'm going way above the call of duty. What is cool is that these moments are happening more and more frequently to the absolute delight of us both.

A little later on this morning and into the early afternoon, I was having a wierd day mood-wise so I was feeling sassy and bratty. I was feeling off kilter, out of balance, and generally just sorta off and on grumpy. It wasn't a big deal at all but when Syr got home from work I just was struggling hard to find that little place. Syr wasn't minding too much the place I was in. She enjoys having a bratty submissive at times. She doesn't want me always on perfect behaviour. She likes the take down as much as I enjoy it on occasion and we've gotten good at communicating when She's in the mood to be amused by bratty behaviour and when it's way out of line.

But, She also recognized in the midst of my bits of brattiness this afternoon, that I was not entirely comfy being in a bratty headspace. So, when I was kneeling in front of Her in the living room and made a smart-ass comment, She slapped me across the face - hard - and smiled, certainly sadistically, as my brattiness bottomed out and I tumbled deep into the recesses of my submission once again. Moments later, breathless, I begged Her to take my breath and She happily complied, sealing my mouth and nose tightly with Her hand as I struggled and then, released me. As I gasped, She pulled me tight against Her and I floated once more in the submissive place I had been struggling to find, unable to resist brushing my fingers against the heat still lingering on my cheek.

She'd had Her fun with my brattiness, and knew when it was to my benefit to make it stop - and She did so with astounding efficiency. And lo and behold, it wasn't but an hour later that I was happily giving Her a bit of a mini manicure, doing laundry and dishes and puttering happily around the house.

I love my life.

The power of a sore bottom

2010-04-10T22:03:00.000-07:00

I have a very, very sore bottom today. I broke a rule yesterday, while I was at work, and confessing the breaking of it did not absolve me of a deserved punishment when I got home.

My Owner had me pull my pants and panties down, exposing my bottom, and lay face down on the bed. I've taken to grabbing a nearby pillow for these disciplinary sessions to muffle my cries. She used "the red thing" (which has yet to have a proper name but in its former life was intended to be a plastic japanese-style rug beater). And I begged, pleaded, cried and still the blows came. She stopped when I was sobbing and quite contrite, my bottom burning from the sting of the punishment She'd delivered. After, She held me and reminded me of the reason for my punishment before having me pull my panties and pants back up so that we could go out for the evening.

Words can not describe how different ... and how deeply contained and truly owned I feel knowing that She is willing to discipline me in this way. It's not something either of us really had experience with. I'd been punished before but somehow, those always felt as if I had a measure of control - both with Her and in previous relationships. It always felt like discipline would be within a sort of jointly acceptable "comfort zone" even if unpleasant. But these implements being used of late to discipline me are not comfortable, and more so I find that She doesn't stop simply because I beg for Her too. My attempts to say "wait... just a break for a moment..." or whatever it is I am pleading while She is delivering a punishment fall on deaf ears and there is something so ... powerful about that. There is NOTHING about the experience of being on the receiving end of this discipline that I have any control over whatsoever. I realize that this is exactly how it SHOULD be, but my Owner and I are learning much of this together. I came into the relationship with more kink "experience" but that mostly amounted to past relationships which had few similarities to this one. My relationship with my Owner is many things but it is deeper, more complete, more absolutely connected than any from my past and so things still need figuring as we go along.

The power of this recent journey into corporal punishment was confirmed for me when later that evening, due to lack of sleep and a number of other factors, I got distracted and broke the same rule a second time. In absolute honesty, I was feeling little but I was also very zoney and distracted. We were with company but we were in a situation that required vanilla context. Despite the stingy soreness of my already punished bottom, I didn't pay close enough attention and made the same mistake I had made earlier that day. I will admit that, mostly since this whole punishment thing is new, I really thought that my Owner would overlook it. She is only really recently starting to play with the feeling of actual sadism. In the past, the major driving force behind Her enjoyment of hurting me has come from the effect it is having on me. But, more recently, She has been discovering some of the darker joys to be had in enjoying it because She actually LIKES hurting me. In any case, much of this is new enough that I really didn't think She would punish me in such a harsh physical way twice in the same evening. And, I also really sort of thought that since it was so late at night and so tempting to just tumble right into bed that She would forget or get distracted or just decide She wasn't up for it.

I was wrong. She assured me I would be punished before bed and even though we spent the next hour or two talking about mundane things, when we went upstairs, She had me strip to my bare bottom and lay down in the same place on the bed. I found this surprising, and equally surprising that She did not go a bit 'easier' on my poor, already sore bottom. Amid my tears, I felt a new wave of something - and at the risk of sounding offensive would say it was like a deeper core level of respect. She wasn't going to forget and She wasn't going to be inconsistent. These were hard lines... boundaries She had drawn and She was fully intending to hold them. There is nothing for me to do but surrender, and trust. And that is a really powerful thing.

My bottom is still so sore today, and I am astounded that I can feel such immense gratitude, such overwhelming containment, such purity of submission and even pleasure at the effect of the punishment - and yet be so absolutely terrified of the punishment itself. I have ascertained that this combination means that the punishment is WORKING, but the juxtaposition of my emotions is still so fascinating, which I suppose must be fairly obvious to those who read this blog since I have so repetitively been writing about this topic. ;)

Processing a meltdown

2010-04-10T21:43:00.000-07:00

My Owner asked me to write about an emotional meltdown that I had the other night. In part, this is because I had a pretty intense reaction to something and She wants to make sure that I have really thought it through and processed what happened and why. And, in part, I think She's looking for further insight into what might have caused such an episode.

Having had some space and time from it, as it happened on Thursday night, I am definitely in a better place to be able to really evaluate it and so I spent a great deal of time thinking about it last night and this morning, so here goes.

Thursday night, Syr and I were working on transferring some files over from a borrowed hard drive onto ours. The download was going to be rather lengthy and therefore my computer was out of commission, for the most part, during the file transfer. I had come home from work and spent the majority of my evening cooking a lovely dinner for my Owner and family as well as preparing a couple of desserts to bring to a dinner party we would be attending the following evening. Tired and distracted after cooking, I plopped onto the couch and habitually/instinctively pulled the table my computer was sitting on closer to me like I usually would if I was about to do something on it. But, unlike any other time I have done this, there were cords and borrowed equipment attached to it and along with the computer came the borrowed hardware that had been set up on a second table and it fell to the floor with a very large and shocking thunk.

You know that sick feeling you get when you just KNOW that it's not going to be okay? It was like that. I instinctively and immediately knew I'd busted the thing. It was confirmed when the file transfer suddenly shot up all kinds of errors. We tried to see if it was just a file transfer interruptus problem or if it was a hardware problem but either way, the data was messed up. Thankfully, we knew we had the means to replace the hard drive AND we knew the data on it was completely backed up in another location so we THOUGHT it would all somehow work out. But I, steely calm while we tried to fix it, was freaking the heck out inside.

Syr had me call the friends we'd borrowed it from to break the news. Our friends were wonderfully understanding. So much so that I suddenly burst into tears, was unable to talk, and handed the phone to my Owner who wrapped up the call and then tried very hard to be patient while I completely melted down. I was a sobbing, pathetic wreck for quite a while and Syr and I had a few tense moments while She tried to figure out what was going on. I couldn't articulate just why or how I felt SO badly but I really did.

Later that evening, once I'd calmed down, even I was surprised at how upset I had gotten over something that was so clearly fixable but I just really had felt terrible.

In retrospect, a few things became clear.

1. My hormones were *raging* which was totally confirmed when I started my period today. LOL. In all seriousness, I get crazy mood swings in the few days leading up to my period. Sorry if that's too much info, dear readers, but its the truth!

2. I had been, for whatever reason, in MAJOR service mode at the time this happened. I'd been in that sort of mood where I want to cook something delicious and fabulous and pretty and fancy for my Owner (which I had just done) and also make something for our friends that would make Her proud of me. I love doing things like that and these things often make me feel very little, submissive, and very very invested in the opinions and pride of my Owner - which can and often does sometimes leave me particularly sensitive to doing ANYTHING wrong or making even the slightest (correctable) mistake.

3. My Owner had suggested earlier that evening that I avoid going on my computer during the file transfer. It hadn't been an order, and if nothing had gotten broken would have not been a big deal at all that I went on the computer, but that really stuck in my head and I kept feeling as if I had disobeyed Her and ALSO broke our friends stuff.

4. Totally unrelated to the hard drive incident at all, some stuff is going on with one of my other friendships that, while not at the forefront of my mind that day, was certainly lingering on my mind and the bits of stress floating around about that might have really left me feeling more raw and sensitive than usual. I am doing something new with the stress going on there in really taking more time than I am used to, to figure out what the next steps are and that's not something I have any experience with and sitting in a place of ambiguity can be really quite challenging for me and would certainly be playing a part in some underlying stress.

Really, all three things combined left me RIPE for a melt down and I think partially I just was really tender and ready for something to trigger a really good cry anyway. I really think, in hindsight, that if only one of those factors had been at play, I would have not gotten SO upset, but the combination of all four was just killer.

Having gone out today and gotten the replacement drive for our friends and with the file transfer in place from the backup source to replace the data that was lost - it all seems so silly that I got so very upset, but it was what it was. I actually feel a lot more sane, now, realizing how many different factors were at play at the time. It seems to make more sense that I got so devastatingly upset about something that - in the grand scheme of the world - was really not that big of a problem.

"Take what you're given, slave"

2010-04-01T21:45:00.000-07:00

My Owner is fucking me, hard and fast when suddenly, She stops for a moment. Pausing, She looks at me and waits for my whimper of need before slowly beginning to move once more. Only now, She deliberately moves in long, slow strokes - teasing me and building anticipation. I arch up, pressing my hips up, arching, trying to take Her deeper, digging my fingernails into Her ass, begging wordlessly for more.. faster. And She replies by stopping and issuing a warning. "Take what you're given, slave. Just relax.. breathe.. and take what you're given." And as She speaks the words my body lets go of held tension and relaxes, melting, surrendering to each stroke, realizing that She is in control, always, and in trusting Her, the sweetest bliss is achieved.

Her reminder to take what I am given is, in these moments, incredibly sexy and intoxicating, but I'd not paused to consider its implications in the rest of our interactions. As long time readers of my blog will know, I struggle with a tendency to try to "help" by micromanaging or subconsciously manipulating a situation to achieve a desired result. While i'm happiest while in full surrender, giving myself over to trust, years and years of bad patterns built the impulse to try to control, first. My Owner is doing a wonderful job helping me in this regard, but sometimes it's frustrating.

Today, Syr mentioned the possibility of a reward for good behaviour. Immediately, I began imagining what a reward might look like in light of the recent punishments. I had visions of good girl spankings and special service related rewards like a night in full collar service despite the possible impracticalities of my fantasy. These visions stuck in my head and lingered there. And so, later this afternoon when Syr told me what some of Her ideas might be for a reward, I tried to "help". In the moment, I thought my intention was to let Her know there were other options than those She'd mentioned that would not cost any money. But, it made my Owner feel, instead, as if I was dismissive of Her ideas in lieu of my own.

I got so upset, because I really thought my motives were good - just trying to help. But after frustrating Her and I think making Her angry, I had to take some time to think it over (as She had to go to work). I was really distraught at first trying to figure out what was so 'bad' about having made suggestions. And then I looked at the whole interaction again, mentally, this time from the position of "impartial observer" (or at least tried to), and instantly spotted the problem.

From this mental observer position, I could clearly identify that I had some little fantasy in my head and so was trying to steer (read: micromanage.... control) Syr toward the fantasy. I didn't even have a clear idea of what that fantasy was or looked like or the different ideas within the general theme of "D/s reward" and so it was ambiguous, which of course would be frustrating. I totally get in hindsight why my Owner was frustrated and angry about my behaviour. In Her shoes I would have felt like I was being given a very narrow window of options to choose that would be "acceptable" and that is NOT my role. And, in any relationship, is an unnecessary trap to put one's partner in.

And so after thinking all of this through for about thirty minutes, I remembered my Owner's reminders to "take what i am given" in the context described at the beginning of this entry. I realized that I need to work on this in our non-sexual encounters more. How ungrateful of me to try to micromanage a reward that She was considering offering me for when I am a good girl! It must have felt yucky, indeed, to get such a stingy response from Her little girl.

I feel disappointed in myself for that, now, and wish I had been able to slip into the observer mindset sooner in our interaction as I think I could have then avoided the tension I caused by my short-sightedness. And now, since my Owner is at work, I am left to stew a bit in my own misbehaviour which never feels very good.

But the lesson I am taking away from this is to work to integrate a deeper sense of gratitude and "take what I'm given" trust-mentality. When my Owner does something nice for me (whether it be cooking dinner, or helping me with a chore or offering me a reward), I want to be a good little girl and let Her know how grateful I am - not nitpick or catch myself subconsciously manipulating for something different or "better". As always, awareness is key.

Fresh look

2010-03-30T19:20:00.000-07:00

Blogger has some neat new template customization possibilities that I intend to explore a bit further. For now, I'm trying this new layout on for size. Let me know what you think!

I'd also really like some feedback on some options for the little check boxes at the bottom of each entry. I love the idea of getting quick feedback on posts from readers who might otherwise not comment. If any of you are inclined to give me some ideas, that would be lovely. I think insightful and hot are both keepers, but I'm not really very sure about the others.

I am so happy right now. I don't have time for a lengthy post today, but I am just feeling so contained and so aware and connected to my Owner. My daily chores feel like service, more than ever, and I'm not sure how to describe the difference. I know that, now, I feel more slave-like as I do them, but am not sure that really makes sense.

I just mostly feel very much, myself.

Ouch

2010-03-29T18:28:00.000-07:00

I am in a very very little head space right now so I know my ability to form really coherent thought is probably a bit lacking. So I'm going to keep it as simple as possible...

My bottom hurts.

I was disciplined after work today for some bad behaviour, and as I tried to explain to Syr afterward, it's not that previous punishments haven't felt like punishments (they have) or made me feel contrite (they have!), but the shift to a punishment that is physically really and truly unpleasantly painful has made me realize what a difference it can make.

And when I say it was unpleasantly painful, I mean that it really was. She used the new evil implement ($2 rug beater turned slave beater) and not at all conservatively. She swung hard and I don't know how many times but I know that when She told me to stop squirming, I started crying harder because I was finding that an impossible task but then I went flat down on my tummy and that seemed to work because there was no where for me to go and Syr could still get at my bottom with the evil thing. She held me afterward while I sobbed and reminded me what the punishment was for and gave me some instructions.

My bottom still stings a great deal and I feel such complete and utter adoration and gratitude for my Owner.

My Owner has a Friend

2010-03-28T20:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, more specifically, my Owner has a Toppy/Dominant/Daddy-type friend. This is both really really fun because said friend's little girl and I are BFFs so the fun of doing stuff altogether is really really excellent.

The two of Them sharing ideas .... and giving each other implements as gifts and just generally sharing in each other's evilness... that part is both a little intimidating (eeks) and yet also exciting.

The four of us spent the afternoon/evening together last night. As soon as we got there, T had to show Syr a dollar store find (a very solid, flat-backed bathroom scrub brush) which He then GAVE to Syr since they were planning to go back to the same store later. Meep.

And then of course, one of the highlights of our plans that day was a trip to a nearby bargain store that is two stories and has a very wide variety of Japanese-inspired things.... everything from dishes and housewares to kids toys and crafts. The haul of BDSM-intended goodies was pretty impressive on both T & l's side and Syr's and mine.

Syr came away with what looks like a giant wooden spoon where the spoon part is very flat and big enough to cover one butt cheek on a stroke and a really cool plastic (that looks like bamboo) rug beater thing - turned slave beater. This thing has no wind resistance and one day I will take a photo of it. Syr of course had to buy one for T too. Syr also pointed out the long pieces of real bamboo and some long, very very wickedly thin pieces of coated metal - intended as Orchid supports (from the garden section) which T ended up picking up. Other finds included a small solid wooden hairbrush (for Syr) and a new, inexpensive dog collar with a quick release snap for me to be able to sleep in (which we forgot but Syr took me back out to get it today), and very sturdy baby pins for T (of which he gave TWO to Syr who then bought a pack of Her own today).

Regarding the pins: T gave Syr the idea a week or so ago to keep a safety pin on Her at all time (on Her pants/belt loop). It's quite discreet and when I need a quick correction, a subtle but effective poke with the pin brings me right back into line. So, He gave Her a few regular safety pins and it had been working really well. So, when we were all at the discount store, He found some sturdy baby pins and gave Her two of them. They were much stronger (and sharper) with much less risk of them popping open while Syr was wearing them. She liked them so well, She got some more of Her own today. They hurt much worse than the basic safety pins from before and She really likes using it on me.

After shopping, we all headed to dinner and then back to T & l's place for coffee and treats. Of course, once there, both T and Syr had to try out their new implements on us and, well, ouch! I think Syr really enjoys these little opportunities to be more open and expansive with the kink thanks to -

Friends are good!!! I love spending time with T & l. And, I can't honestly decide if the implement and tip-sharing extravaganza that is going on is fun or is scary.

But.. I have to admit.. it IS hot.

Owie

2010-03-21T11:38:00.000-07:00

This morning, I felt compelled to confess to my Owner, as I always do when I know I've made an error. The difference was that first I confessed the short version. But, then.... I felt like I had to provide more information. I knew, already, that Syr was going to punish me. I also knew that by providing the additional information, I may be in for a worse punishment. But, I still felt compelled to speak. Another part of the awakening of how deep this goes.. how unhindered my submission is now.

Syr took me upstairs right away, not swayed from punishing me by my confession. Following Her up those stairs, knowing we were headed for the privacy of the bedroom, and knowing why - was a part of the punishment itself. I felt very contrite and very apprehensive. I dragged my feet, mentally (though not physically, I wasn't taking any chances!)

She sat on the bed, Her new gift from T in Her hand. I wasn't surprised. I knew that was what She would be reaching for, for punishment now.

"Down", She commanded and after a bit of fidgeting on my part, and after grabbing a pillow to muffle any involuntary sounds I might make - down I went.

Once my face was buried in the pillow, my bottom high and my arms in front of me, She pulled my pajama bottoms and panties down, exposing my bottom. I couldn't help whimpering. The last strike she'd delivered with Her gift two nights prior had been over my pajamas, not on bare skin.

The first one, was light. She is still adjusting to it. The second, third, and fourth were quite hard and I stifled myself with the pillow and, without thinking, squirmed my bottom away. "Don't, or I'll start over." Syr warned, and I got my bottom back up in the air. There were two more, lighter, strikes and then it was over. Syr pulled my pajamas and panties back up and I scrunched up close, hugging Her leg and burying my face in Her lap as little tears fell and my Owner pet my head softly.

She spoke firmly, reminding me of the reason for the punishment, and then lifted my chin, "are you ready to be a good girl again?", She asked. I nodded, "Yes, Syr".

Syr kissed my forehead and we went back downstairs to finish our morning coffee.

While it's true that the emotional and psychological impact of being punished can turn any implement into a tool for punishment, I have to admit that there is a different impact to having a specific implement with such an unpleasant sensation, that I hate, dread, and fear it just by thinking about it. The impact feels greater, somehow. And I also know, that it is the one implement I could NOT enjoy in any context. Other implements can be used in pleasurable ways without feeling like a punishment, but I don't think this one can.

My bottom still remembers the sting of my punishment, and the implement (which needs a name, for convenience of writing about it if for no other reason) is awful - but I am a very grateful slave for those very reasons. I feel very contained, and very secure... and very... very... aware of my behaviour.

My first little girl play-date!!!

2010-03-20T21:37:00.000-07:00

I didn't want to mix up this lighter post with the depth of the last one but I simply NEED to post this! ;)

I had my FIRST EVER PLAY-DATE last night!!! It was absolutely awesome and I'm really really hoping I'll get to have another one very soon!

Daddy and my friends, T & L invited us over for a playdate last night. T is the Daddy and L is the girl. L and I are really close friends, already. We have a lot in common, not the least of which is that our relationship dynamics are VERY similar. She has a Daddy/Owner in a 24/7 dynamic, as do I, and both have similar views. But, still, the timing couldn't have been better.

Daddy let me bring like ALL of my toys! I hadn't really played with many of them much at all because it's just not the same to play by yourself! I brought two of my bears and my whole wardrobe of build-a-bear clothes to show her, and I brought playdough, and little kinder-surprise toys, and mylittleponies, and colouring books and crayons and... I can't remember what else. But I was so excited!!

When I got there, L & I changed into our jammies and got right to playing. But T had presents for us, special matching hair things - black with pink pirate skulls on them. Our Daddies put our hair up in pigtails - THEN we got jammies on and then we played a board game and did some other stuff and just had a blast. The Daddies ordered pizza and we went back and forth between playing and all talking and stuff.

The Daddies had a lot of really good conversation and bonding. T & L knew about the recent breakthrought hat Daddy and I had, so there was lots of bonding/talking/and sharing about that.

T gave my Daddy some presents that were intended for effective (and stealth - given our privacy issues that we have) discipline as that has been a point of frustration for Daddy. T had previously offered, but Daddy hadn't quite understood the offer so it was a miscommunication and She'd mentioned to me later that She did want one so I had emailed L and asked if she would ask her Daddy if he could make one for my Daddy after all. It's a really wicked tool made with a wire coat hanger and duct tape that ... is really, really, really ouchie. I hate it. Which is the point. I was punished once with it last night - in a serious way, that is - and it left a bruise and hurt very very badly. I've been really good since. Daddy also got some good ideas for tools that allow Her to have ways to discipline me that guarantee some privacy and that are also effective.

It ended up being a really amazing evening all around. Really good bonding for all four of us - I feel so close to L and more and more to T who has just really wonderful energy and whom I already find I respect a great deal, even though we've only just begun getting to know him in person. I don't think any of us wanted the evening to end - but T assured me and L that we could have another play-date soon.

I know that I (and I am sure L, too) found that it was really amazing to just let my hair down and really sink into my littleness like that. We had total privacy (just the four of us) and no judging eyes or ears anywhere near. My little girl space is very innocent in nature, and being able to share that with another girl is just amazing.

Years and years ago, I had a slave-sister who had some little girl in her too, and we would get giggly together and I think we coloured together once or twice, but even that wasn't like this.

I think it helps that L is really a best friend, not just in the context of kink-friendly peeps but in life in general - and so I felt completely safe to just be myself. It was just a really really happy time.

Daddy reminded me to send a thank you note to T & L this morning, which I did, and in it I suggested that maybe we could fingerpaint next time!

Breakthrough

2010-03-20T21:10:00.000-07:00

Wednesday night, my entire world turned upside down for about 12 hours. It wasn't fun, it was pretty scary, but it was necessary.

The last three or four months had been slowly building up to it, and I think that in large part it was because I was in the midst of a pretty major growth spurt (mental/spiritual growth, that is). It seems that each time I have a major breakthrough or moment of growth there is a build to it.

In this case, I just wasn't really in a great place. I was testy, sensitive, and defiant when my feelings got hurt (which was easily). I was being careless about protocols that are important to both of us and rituals that make us both feel good.

And then, it culminated in an argument where it all came crashing down around me in a cascade of reality and a very uncomfortable hard look at my behaviour and what it was doing - to myself, my Owner, our relationship, and our dynamic.

For those excruciating 12 hours, I felt as if I was VERY close to losing the right to wear my Owner's collar, and I was also faced with the realization that whether or not I actually lost it - or was at risk of losing it - I was certainly not in a position where I could say I believed I deserved to wear it. It took an enormous amount of resolve and trust in my Owner to NOT offer to give it up. There was that part of me, so filled with shame over my recent behaviour, that really felt the right thing to do was to kneel at Her feet and hold my wrist up and offer that I understood if She needed to remove it. And then, I remembered to trust. I am owned because my Owner has chosen me. It is not up to me to suggest the removal of Her collar. It IS up to me to trust and obey Her. And in that moment, that was the truth I clung to.

The fear and the shame as the full realization of the way I'd been behaving really hit me were pretty overwhelming. The nature of these emotions was that I was removed of all complacency. I no longer had the luxury of the status quo. No, I could take nothing for granted, because I did not know if I would still be Owned in the morning....

And so I was stripped down to some very simple facts -
My Owner loves me.
I love my Owner.
I still wore Her collar.
I needed to listen, trust, and obey.

And those things were all I had left to cling to amongst a hot bed of uncertainty that the argument had brought about. I knew that if I did not listen... trust... and obey... in this most critical of moments - that the equilibrium of a moment that felt "in between" could be thrown out of balance and I could end up tipping the scales to the side of losing what is so very important to me.

And so, I listened, to some hard truths - things I knew to be true the moment they were out of Her mouth, about the last few months, and why things were the way they were that moment. I heard the truth of the hurt I caused my beloved Owner, and the truth of the lack of respect I had shown. I heard and I listened - and then I panicked. I panicked quietly, and closed my eyes to try to sleep when my Owner told me to.... but I barely slept. I clung to Her throughout the night, so afraid that I was on the brink of losing everything because of my own complacency.

When I woke, it was time to go to work. And I felt as if I was barely functioning. I couldn't stop crying... I couldn't pull myself together. All I felt was fear.

And when I got to the office, in between phone calls and work commitments, I tried to think it all through. I needed to untangle the mess in my head to get some order into it.... to bring some sense to the fear. I could feel my thoughts spiraling. Much of my fear was fueled by me imagining what She MIGHT be about to do, and the more I thought about it, the more I replayed the words She'd said, the more frightened I got.

And then, when talking to a friend (in vanilla context) about my fear, she said something pretty wise....

I said, "I'm afraid that I'll fail at making the changes I need to make... I'm afraid I won't make them fast enough and it will be too late."

She replied, simply, "Is today too late?".

The simplicity of her question stunned me OUT of the fear and into productive thinking. Within an hour or two, I realized that I was over-complicating it. Especially in light of the power exchange context of our relationship, it was simple. I needed to listen... trust... obey... and respect my Owner. And lo and behold, those simple things were what I had clung to in all of my fear.

The foundation has been there all the time, unshaken. I had lost sight of it, stopped paying as much attention to it as I need to, but it was still there... even when reduced to crippling emotional fear... it was those very things I clung to - those very things that I knew were the right things to do. My submission is not at the surface... it goes deep... deeper than i ever knew it could... and that depth is specifically linked to my depth of love and trust for my Owner.

And then I realized something else. The only reason to feel fear (fear I was going to lose Her, lose the right to be owned by Her), was if I was already planning NOT to change my behaviour. I knew what changes needed to be made. If I made them - what was there to be afraid of? Nothing. If, however, I was already looking for an excuse not to make the changes - somehow being avoidant - than I had valid reason to be afraid.

And just like that, the fear ... it just evaporated. It was simple. I am owned. I just needed to get back to basics and act like it. So much of our relationship was on seriously solid ground. Things weren't as dire as they'd seemed the previous night. But it was time to put up or shut up. I chose to put up. ;-)

I wish that I could really write well enough to do this breakthrough justice, because it was huge for me - really, really huge.

I have a lot of abandonment and self-worth issues that I have worked on throughout the years, and I am a far stronger, more independent, more powerful woman - in my slavery now than I ever was whether owned or not, before. And yet this still was the first time I had overcome that with simple thinking and processing and most of all - remembering just how deeply I trust my Owner.

I knew in my hear that She would not let me or my slavery go so easily. She has never NOT given me the opportunity to grow and learn from a situation. She had been patient and understanding - and just had to have that hard talk with me of "okay, and now I've had enough." And I needed that. I needed to know that I was hurting Her, undermining Her, and I needed to process that and come to my own conclusions and my own solutions. I needed to pick myself up, brush myself off and take charge of myself - prove to both myself AND Her that I was committed to Her, to my own personal growth, to our marriage, and to my slavery.

Once the fear was gone, I was swept up by an almost elated feeling. It was like a rush of solidity and knowledge that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. My feet were firmly on my path and I was embracing my authenticity. I felt.... EMPOWERED.

In all of my life, I have never come out of a relationship-related argument or out of a situation that forced me to face my own humanity and mistakes and shadows without feeling a loss of self-esteem, without feeling guilty and worthless and devalued.... until this time.

When I came out of the other side of that 12 hours of absolute stark panic, what I found was a firm belief in myself that I didn't even realize was there. Not a victim at all, I am the mistress of my destiny. And yes there is irony in that. I am a strong, powerful woman who can be the best she can be because that's what she CHOOSES to be. I am not the purveyor of my past. I am not a puppet to be ruled by emotions and patterns and programming installed by the abusers of my childhood. I am stronger than that.

And, oh, if I could only describe how beautiful and amazing the rewards of this breakthrough are.

It's only the third day but I feel Owned at a deeper level than ever before - and not because my Owner threw me at Her feet and demanded my obedience - but because I realized that, with every fiber of my being, that is where I belong, where I am meant to (and want to) be, and I was going to bring my actions in line with this.

I see the pride in my Owner's eyes at having gotten to this place. She believes in me, is proud of me.... and I feel deserving of that pride. That's a good feeling.

My focus is back where it needs to be. I have found myself back in a truly service-oriented headspace.

My daily chores, a ritual that began just a few weeks ago, are still going well. I've added a few things that I know I should be doing. Following this recent breakthrough, I also asked Syr if we could add 5 minutes or so of meditation as a chore I am required to do when I first get home from work each evening of the work-week and She agreed. It doesn't need to be much, but I feel that 5 minutes of quiet contemplation, whether it is more spiritual in nature, or focused on my slavery, would be beneficial as a regular reminder of what I have so recently learned.

I said to my Owner, this afternoon, that I feel like I want to ask permission for everything. She replied "Good, because that's how it is." I looked at Her, puzzled, and She clarified. "That's how it's always been, so I'm glad you're finally feeling normal again."

I want to ask permission for things, and have been since this breakthrough - because it feels right and good and not because I feel I "should" to be a good slave, but because it feels.... more NATURAL. My obedience, my trust, my total consuming feeling of being securely in my place is where I feel the most true to myself. I feel like I've come back home after too much time away. It feels good... and easy.

Quickie

2010-03-02T19:06:00.000-08:00

No, not that kind. Sorry folks!

I have some daily tasks now that are more formalized, in the chore category. I'm not a big fan of chores, which isn't a huge surprise, I'm sure. But Syr has given me a task to do a 5 minute tidying up of each of five rooms in the house, each day of the week except Saturday and Sunday.

It was a little funny because She said She was going to make me a chore chart. And, teasing, I asked Her, "You're going to make a chore chart?" and She said yes and described the 5 minute daily chore idea... and then I repeated the question putting extra emphasis on the first part ... "You're going to make me a chore chart?" and then She understood the question, snickered, and said "No, you are." Mmhmm... as I thought.

So I have a little day planner (hello kitty!) and I've been using it to keep track of my running balance of Good Girl money (pennies I have left at the end of a week of tiny transgressions as per the penny system), so I now have a section for keeping track of my daily chores.

So now there are three -

5 Minute Tidy Up (Mondays are Kitchen, Tuesdays are downstairs bathroom, Wednesdays are Living Room, Thursdays are upstairs bathroom and Fridays are bedroom)
Blog Post (either here or in my other journal)
Laundry (fold/hang up and put away clean laundry - Syr does the washing/drying).

It's only day two of the formalized process and I have to say that I was surprised at how it didn't feel like hard work to clean up the bathroom. I thought I was going to be really grumbly about it but I kinda got into the service aspect, which I'm sure is no big surprise to my Owner, but WAS a surprise to me! ;)

I do love ritual and daily reminders of my role in my Owner's Household are good for me, on a lot of levels.

Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T11:48:00.001-08:00

i love You, my Owner, my Wife, my Daddy - i am Yours, forever.

Bruises

2010-02-09T10:44:00.000-08:00

It's been too long since I've posted an update, here, though I must admit that the quiet of the last week and a half has been absolutely lovely and has captured my Owner's and my attention most thoroughly. Instead of a week and a half of ravishing each other in the quiet and privacy of our house-sitting gig, we've mostly been just luxuriating in the peacefulness of a home devoid of teenagers and their booming young man-voices.

However, outside of my previous entry, we did enjoy one other really phenomenal evening together where there was much ravishing, oh yes....

~*~*~*~

Once again, we found ourselves alone. We'd gone out to dinner and on the way back, Syr began teasing me, making me blush and giggle, promising me all the things that She intended to do with me. I wasn't sure how much of it was actual promises and how much of it was simple teasing but none the less, I found myself getting all kinds of excited.

We were just getting settled in back at the house, when my Owner called me to come to Her. She was standing before the open toybag, considering thoughtfully and I watched Her, trying to do my best to stand still. She turned to me, then, holding me close from behind, Her arms wrapped around me until one hand reached up to cover my mouth and nose, taking my breath and dropping me firmly into subspace.

Once I had a chance to regain composure, She had me lay out our favourite big fluffy towel and, after fastening my collar around my neck, put me into my usual down position, but had me raise my bum very high up in the air. This position exposed the area that She likes to call my "sweet spots" very well.

She started with her hands, which are quite honestly the best thing in the world - better than paddles or crops or canes or floggers - Her hands are my deliverance, and I am always grateful to be on the receiving end of them.

She warmed me up slowly but when I squirmed, out of nowhere came "the ouchy thing" which is a rubber, flexible cane that if She is being kind, She will loop back on itself which makes it less ouchy. But, when I tried to squirm away from Her hands, She wasn't kind and let the full length of the ouchy thing smack hard against my sensitive sweet spots. She only had to do that twice throughout the evening, because - OWIE, so I did my very best to sit so still!

She rained bare-handed blows down on my ass until it felt red hot, and then She would pause and rake Her fingernails along the sensitive skin there, causing me to cry out. And that was the most wonderful part - being able to make noise. We rarely have opportunities for this degree of privacy and so I was able to let go of that part of me that is always trying to keep things quiet, and just moan, groan, whimper, and plead. My Owner seemed to really.... really... like that. :)

She spanked me for what felt like a really, really long time. She switched to a paddle (the ping pong kind with texture one side and smooth the other), but it didn't seem as intense as Her palm and so She switched back to hands. There was something about the way She was holding Her hands that was just really powerful and intense. Once warmed up, She went at me with the flogger, and even still I craved Her hands the most.

I was near tears by the time She was done and my ass was red-hot to the touch and so very sensitive. She looked and saw that I was already bruised and was very pleased as I don't bruise easily. On that note She threw me on my back, and in moments it seemed She had buried Her cock deep inside me. I was crazy-sensitive at this point. The rough texture of the towel was chaffing against the sensitive skin on my ass and I was swollen and wet and ready for Her as well, so you can imagine it wasn't long before I was begging, pleading for release.

My Owner made me wait, curling Her right arm beneath my head and pulling me close as She drove ever deeper and harder, commanding me to let go - to just let it all go. When She finally granted me permission to cum, I did - and hard. I was sobbing for a long while, and then it would subside and She would drive into me harder still and command me to let go and I would, sobbing even harder. It was a marvelous release and I would cry and laugh and cry some more but I really did let so much go. As I came and cried and moaned against Her shoulder, she crooned, "Good girl" to me. Those moments are the sweetest bliss. Not only was She giving me this beautiful gift of release but praising me for being able to let it all good. It felt amazing.

Afterward, as She held me, I thanked Her, and She whispered "You're welcome, little girl" as She does, and then hugged me even closer, kissing my temple.

This was several days ago, and bruises still cover my sweet spots. Bruises are hot, fun, lovely, re deliciously delectable reminders of the fact that I am Owned. (And Syr has sure enjoyed pinching, patting, and squeezing my bruised bum at random over the last few days as well).

Life couldn't be much better than this, could it?

"Let Me in."

2010-02-01T20:00:00.000-08:00

"Come here." my Owner commanded as I stood in front of Her, the two of us alone for the first time in.... a long time. She snapped Her fingers and pointed at the place in front of Her feet and I hesitated, almost nervous, or perhaps it was something else. But I did kneel.

There was something about the look in Her eyes that I could feel - an intensity and a time for seriousness. I responded to that energy, almost subconsciously, as I felt myself begin to settle into the flow between us - Her assertion of power and my surrendering of it.

My Owner asked for each ankle and wrist in turn, attaching the neoprene cuffs that, while less exciting to look at than many other similar devices, serve their purpose nicely. She pulled out the lavender collar and asked me, "Who owns You, little girl?" as I tipped my head forward resting my throat against the supple leather.

"You do, Syr." I whispered in reply as She buckled it snugly behind me. Moments later, She clipped one end of the chain leash to my collar and I gasped as she hung the cold chain down my back.

I was silent, contemplative and sinking steadily into slave-space as She retrieved the nipple clamps, also connected to one another by a cool chain and again I gasped in wordless complaint as I felt the chain against my chest but I held my breath when She attached the clamps to each nipple. I felt, fully adorned. It isn't often that I am granted the opportunity to be decorated in this way for my Owner and I felt it intensely, the surrender of self becoming closer to the forefront of my mind.

With a hand against my back, Syr pressed me forward until I was in my 'down' position, forehead and knees on the floor, ass high. I feel so exposed in this position but this feeling was magnified a hundred times by the accessories I wore and especially the chain dangling between my nipples, the weight of the clamps pulling on them by the position I was in.

I heard my Owner put on a latex glove and I trembled, lightly as I listened to the sound of the lube being squeezed onto Her finger. I had little time to think before Her finger was pressing against my anus, the position I was in allowing me little option for resistance though I unconsciously tightened.

She began slowly, pressing Her slippery, gloved finger against this most private opening, in small pulses. She slid Her finger in and the smoothness of the latex and the slipperiness of the lube made it easy and I felt suddenly very invaded and very owned. Her finger moved inside me more insistently and I whimpered against the feeling of being claimed in this way. She crooned to me to relax as She continued to move inside me.

"Let me in, little girl" She growled and I automatically relaxed further, letting Her finger slide easily. "Good girl", She crooned and I whimpered - simultaneously wishing it to never stop and wondering when it would. I love this sensation but can't admit it in the moment because if an inherent sensation of guilt or shame - yet I trust my Owner and the feeling of surrender I experience when we play in this way is all encompassing and ultimately it wins out.

"What are you thinking about?" She asked me and I whimpered, words lost on me.... I couldn't form coherent sentences let alone let Her know what I was thinking. "Are You thinking about how it might feel if this was My cock instead of My finger, little girl?" Syr asked provocatively but I couldn't answer Her. Yes, I was thinking of Her cock in my ass.... and I felt so dirty for thinking it - but I was. I felt so overwhelmed by something so small as Her finger, how would Her cock feel? But most of all it was the steady insistence of Her finger as it slid in and out of me so smoothly that kept distracting me. I felt owned. "Good girl...." She whispered again as She moved Her finger away and pressed the small butt plug into my ass in its place. Once situated, I felt filled and utterly submissive.

She had me sit up then and I looked up at Her, feeling so floaty and owned and fully surrendered, and, after removing the nipple clamps, Syr replaced Her gloves, and had me open an individually sealed alcohol swab. I glanced next to Her and saw the needles.... and shakily opened the package for Her.

She swabbed the front of my left breast and waisted little time opening the first needle and positioning it against the small bit of skin She held pinched with Her other hand. In one swift motion, She pierced my skin and I gasped, feeling the first surge of endorphins course through me. Too much skin sat between the base and tip of the needle and She had to pull back and re pierce and that stung even more, making me hiss through my teeth. The second one went in and again needed a slight adjustment, but thankfully, Syr seemed satisfied with the third.

She handed me another swab to open and swabbed my right breast, this side didn't require any re piercings and by the time the third needle on the right was in, I was very floaty, almost meditative.

Syr offered me my choice of colour from some embroidery floss laid out next to Her. I don't remember picking a colour but I wasn't very focused and She pulled out some black floss and began winding it carefully between the needles. She created a criss-cross corset-like pattern connecting my two breasts. I had to pay attention to my posture as any slouching would cause the floss to slacken. Satisfied with the lacing, She added a second colour - pink - for highlights on Her work before tying it off. The effect was very pretty, and the ornamental decoration of the floss made me feel very objectified in the most delicious kind of way.

Finished with the needles, Syr clipped my wrist cuffs together behind my back. This was helpful for my posture as it pulled my breasts slightly apart. Unloosing my leash from my collar, Syr had me stand and led me by my leash to another room where She gestured me down to my knees. She settled me there, re-clipped the handle of the leash to my collar and made sure I would be okay before letting me know She would be right back - and that I was not to move.

I remember sitting there, swaying... floating, and being so still as I listened to Her move to another room. I had little awareness of time passing, though later on I realized She had been gone longer than the short time it felt like (though probably only five minutes, if that).

When She came back, She stood very close behind me and I felt Her denim clad legs against my back. Her hands stroked lightly across my shoulders and then Her right hand curled around to the front of my throat, the barest touch arching me back against Her. She unclasped my wrist cuffs, freeing my arms for movement and within seconds Her right hand had moved up from my throat to clamp tightly over my nose and mouth.

I was so surrendered to Her at this moment, so fully encompassed in trust that I didn't move, nor try to breathe, I just sank into the sensation. Syr tried to startle me, to cause me to instinctively gasp for breath but I was much too softened for that and then She whispered in my ear, "let me feel you struggle, little girl..." and I brought my awareness forward again, and tried to take a single breath. The lack of air flowing into my lungs allowed me to relax into the struggle and my hands reached behind me, grabbing at Her legs and higher.... finding the thick hardness of Her cock and holding on tight as She held firm, keeping me from any chance at a breath for several moments before pulling me back against Her and letting go.

She moved in front of me and, my leash held firm in Her hands and I leaned back, partly intentionally and partly because I was just so lost in a sea of sensation. She was worried that the leash wasn't secure and grabbed my collar, Her fist curled against the front of my throat and I really leaned back this time, letting my body go slack. I felt, for a moment, as if I were flying - so completely surrendered to trust, knowing I was safe in my Owner's grasp.

I blinked, and realized that my Owner's cock seemed so close, no longer hidden beneath blue denim but exposed, and Syr's hands curled in my hair, pulling me closer as my mouth opened to take Her in. I moaned loudly around Her cock, loving the way it slid along my tongue, nudging at the back of my throat and Syr's hands tightened even more in my hair, pressing Her cock deep and then moving Her hips slowly - fucking my mouth. My hands reached up to grab onto Her jeans, holding onto Her pockets as if they were handles, as She encouraged me - "Show Me how much you want My cock, slave", She ordered and I obeyed as I hungrily sucked Her cock. I took it deep and swirled my tongue lavishly around the head, whimpering as She drove hard into my mouth until, suddenly, she pulled Her cock away and I mewed softly at the sudden emptiness between my lips.

"Ask Me to fuck you." She ordered, and I obeyed, the words coming easily - so lost in desire was I, and She pushed my back, forcing me down and forward onto my knees, and I noticed the slack of the embroidery threads between the piercings in my breasts. Everywhere I could move my awareness within my body was lit up with sensation. Syr reached behind me and pressed the button on the plug still snug in my ass to turn it on and the vibrations lit up the sensitivity inside me as I heard Her apply lube to Her cock, already slightly moistened from the tongue bath it had just received.

In seconds, Her cock was buried deep inside of me and I was lost. There was nothing outside of this time with my Owner, this surrender. I was claimed and lost and hungry and filled. In mere moments, I was begging to cum. She granted my wish and I came hard, filled and overwhelmed and shuddering I came again... and again... until She finally granted me reprieve and I, shuddering, sobbing, unable to move, collapsed at Her feet.

Syr touched me gingerly, removed the plug from my ass, the needles from my breasts, and the cuffs from my ankles and wrists. After helping me to clean up, She snuggled me close to Her. It was some time before I could open my eyes, and it was some time after that before I could even attempt to walk. I crawled a fair bit in the hour or two following.

I slept in my Owner's collar all night and She did not remove it until nearly noon the following day. What a glorious night.

One of those days...

2010-01-25T17:49:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had one of those days? You know the kind, I'm sure, where you're just sort of going through the motions, floating through your day, all as it just whizzes by you...

And then, suddenly, a thought or a word or a ... something... catches you off guard and brings you back to the moment.

That was me, today, at work. I was just working my way through the day, somewhat roboticly, and then it was lunchtime. I like to take some me-time during my lunch hour which I usually spend doing yoga with my coworker in one of our meeting rooms. Well, today I was on my own for lunch and so I decided I would do some gentle yoga and some meditating. I put my "yoga in progress" sign on the door which always ensures uninterrupted quiet time in the meeting room, laid out my mat, changed into my yoga clothes, and got myself into a nice seated posture. After 15 minutes or so, I still felt like I was going through the motions. My heart and mind just weren't into it. I laid down into a final resting pose and tried some guided meditation. This seemed to be going well until I realized I was chilly, so I pulled my towel over my chest and shoulders.

Even after warming up under the towel, though, I realized that my nipples were as hard as rocks! They were just straining against the material of my bra and against the snug-fitting yoga top I was wearing. I was annoyed by this at first, but they were so hard they were tingling, so I 'accidentally' brushed them with my palms. That felt pretty good.... too good. I enjoy attention on my nipples but it is VERY mood-based. It either feels really good or it feels a little off and it's very rarely anything in between. This was a feel-good day for nipple play so I started pinching them, rolling them between my fingers, squeezing them as hard as I could. And I could feel these little sharp sensations coursing through my body as if my nipples had a direct connection to my clit.

The more I teased, pinched, pulled, and rolled my nipples, the braver I got. I was all alone in there, after all, and the yoga sign was up. If my hand snuck a little lower, discretely... I shook myself, I was at work after all. But, the ache just wasn't going away. I was on my yoga mat somewhat behind a desk so even if the door suddenly opened.... I wouldn't be seen right away. I pulled my towel down from my chest to drape over my hips and thighs and my hand snuck down my pants, fingers slipping into my panties where I found my clit - desperate for attention.

I would play, I told myself, but I won't cum. Daddy wouldn't like it if I came without permission... but some part of me thought Daddy MIGHT actually enjoying hearing about what Her brave and naughty little girl had done at work today..... and thinking about that fueled the fire and before I knew it my fingers were tracing lazy but firm circles around my clit. And soon after that, lost in fantasy, my fingers were moving faster. My orgasm snuck up on me, caught me off guard, and I pulled my hand away in surprise. It's not usually so easy for me to get myself off without assistance! I knew I needed to stop and I focused hard on putting my thoughts on something more harmless. I'm a multiple-orgasm girl. I'm like a VERY multiple-orgasm girl. Stopping after one is sort of like driving a Lamborghini at 60mph on the Autobahn. I'm left with lingering need.... and lots of it.

But that didn't change the fact that I had to confess...

Punished

2010-01-23T08:32:00.000-08:00

Thursday, I had a very bad day at work.

It seemed like everything was going wrong all around me and I was just scrambling to keep up, totally powerless to actually fix anything that was broken. I was frustrated, and REALLY grumpy.

I knew I was in a bad mood, so I was trying to shake it off during the drive home, coaching myself on how NOT to take it out on Syr in light of my bad habit of subconsciously picking fights with my Owner when I'm feeling bad about something else. If I'm being consciously aware and trying not to do that, I often succeed.

I tried to be quiet when I came in, and just putz about doing my usual wind-down routine. And then some little tiny thing annoyed me and I didn't keep my mouth shut about it. Ten minutes later and I know I've stepped out of line. Thirty seconds after that, I'm upstairs on the bed, crying. That moment, right when I realize I've messed up, must be the WORST moment ever. I knew I needed to pick myself up and move on, and was in the process of reaching for the bedroom door to go downstairs, when Syr came in, shutting the door behind Her.

"Are you done wallowing?" She asked and I nodded silently in reply.

"On your knees." She ordered and I looked at Her for just the briefest of moments, puzzled. "Now", She followed up and I did.

"Down." She said as She touched the back of my head, making it clear that I was to go into quiet time position: kneeling, curled over with forehead to the floor and arms stretched out in front of me. I was still close to tears haven just stopped crying moments before and could feel close all over again as I listened to the sound of Her moving to the foot of the bed. Suddenly alarmed I started to sit up to see what She was doing but Syr ordered me back down again.

She pulled my pants and panties down over my hips, exposing my bottom and I whimpered. Having my pants and panties pulled down (but still *on*) in this manner always has a potent effect on me. It makes me feel very humble and contrite as it's something I associate with punishment and this time - even more so.

"It doesn't matter how bad of a day you've had, you are NOT allowed to come home and take it out on me. Am I understood, slave?" my Owner says to me as She delivers four sharp slaps to my bottom.

"Yes, Syr." I replied sofly, tears starting to fall again.

She sat on the bed nearby and said "Come here."

I crawled over, kneeling at Her feet and burying my tear-stained cheeks against Her chest as She held me.

"Now, apologize for your behaviour." She whispered.

"I'm sorry, Syr," I whispered

"Will you be more aware of your behaviour for the remainder of the evening?"

"Yes, Syr." I answered, feeling wholly contained and also - forgiven.

Mere moments later we were chatting away doing our usual after-work thing, and no lingering emotional 'hangover' type effects remained from earlier. As my friend last weekend had described, punishment after a conflict actually provided a great deal of comfort and closure without hours of processing and/or lingering guilt. Instead, I felt firmly in my place - and very aware of my behaviour and able to let my bad mood of the day go.

My Owner and I had a very pleasant evening, afterward.

Asserting Her Ownership

2010-01-20T19:05:00.000-08:00

Hmm, this whole asserting Her ownership more often thing is interesting. It's good and it's tough but it's mostly good.... and tough.

She's pulling rank on a lot of little things that She never used to. It's giving me pause, reminding me to check myself and.... to some degree bringing in a bit of testing. It sounds twisted, and I am fairly confident there's few who would agree with me, but the testing (to me) is a good sign. I'm feeling these new boundaries out - getting to know where they are, how close they're squeezing in on me and She's holding strong. The fact that I'm finding myself subconsciously testing means that I'm taking these changes seriously - not just seeing them as a phase.

A couple of times already this week, I have been in a ornery mood. I've been grumpy (read: hormonal) and touchy and a couple of times could have easily really gotten going on picking a fight. But She didn't hesitate to remind me that She owns me and I'm not allowed to do that and it nipped it in the bud.

This evening, after work, I had another such moment, and in hindsight it was clear that Syr was at least a little pissed off or grumpy about it and She didn't immediately or obviously assert Her Ownership but I still paused and checked myself - and I credit that pause to the more frequent reminders in general that are keeping my submission closer to the forefront of my mind.

I'm still in observation mode, to a degree, and still figuring out what this will mean for us long-term, but I'm liking the freedom that these new boundaries are providing me.

Punishment

2010-01-18T18:17:00.001-08:00

Saturday evening, Syr and I were at a friend's house, just relaxing and getting caught up with one another.

My friend had recently had a nice visit with her Daddy and I was eager to hear all about it. In relaying some of her experiences to me, she shared a story that involved a punishment she'd received as a result of bad behaviour and the way it made her feel so loved and safe - and I started to cry of all things. Now, mind you, I was a bit hormonal at the time so the tears were probably unnecessary, but I was actually moved.

As I'm sure those of you who read my blog know, I do a lot of self-work. I do a lot of hard self-analyzing and processing to better myself, primarily for myself - through my submission to my Owner. The work is the necessary road for me regardless of what kind of a relationship I find myself in, but the relationship I share with my Owner, Daddy... Wife.... is the vehicle I choose to travel in and it is the one that affords me the safety, security, and tools that make the trip a bit easier to manage.

But, in the end, I am often hardest on myself. When I do something that I feel is wrong on a fundamental level, not just when considering the power-exchange dynamic of my relationship, I am often plagued by guilt and self-doubt for (often) days after the 'thing' that happened. And what my friend was relaying was how her Daddy had employed a two part method for dealing with a similar situation. She was out of line, and he did something to catch her attention in a major way DURING the episode, and let her know that they would be dealing with it later. And later, after tempers had cooled, and clear-headedness prevailed a punishment was delivered - with an accompanying caveat: after the punishment was done, so was whatever had happened. It had been dealt with and it was time to move on. At that point, there is a clean slate.

I know that what moved me was the way that I know that this adds a completion to whatever happens. And I felt a desperate longing for something similar. I know that comparing isn't always the best thing - and ultimately I also know that by sharing my thoughts and emotions about this with my Owner that She is not obligated to do anything about it, nor will She feel that i am topping from the bottom - even if I outright ask for it. So I feel safe in processing and talking about the way it affected me. So - back to the desperate longing.... that was where the tears came from.

My Owner and I are learning how to live our dynamic day by day, moment by moment. I had the 'lifestyle' experience of the two of us, but when it comes to full time, 24/7, and fitting it in with parenting and work and the mundane realities of a life together that is about more than sex and a good flogging once a week - we both came into it as newbies.

We've both gotten really good at dealing with conflicts and finding ways to work on some of my negative communication and conflict patterns... and have made genuine progress. But one thing sort of seemed to be an ah ha moment for both of us and that is that we have built a lot of tools into the actual 'conflict' itself to make that easier and we do a good job of processing it after the fact, determining the root causes of that particular conflict, and making sure there is a lesson learned and something to think about for next time. But then I seem to be left with lingering feelings of... well.. badness... afterward. The idea of having a punishment delivered, with the intention of sort of putting the 'bow' on the wrapped package, seems to feel like something that would afford closure to each event and be both simultaneously cathartic and reassuring. I wouldn't want something like that if it was from a negative "i'm a bad person and deserve a punishment" place, but what I realized is that a punishment is sort of my opportunity to have a symbolic method of truly letting it go, knowing it hasn't caused damage to our marriage and relationship and forgiving myself as well as really accepting that I've been forgiven. There's a lot of appeal in that.

I also know that my Owner takes punishment seriously. She doesn't punish me with something I enjoy. If I receive spanking or any other form of corporal punishment, it is done in a way that the emotional impact is clearly punitive and not something I find pleasurable. When She mentioned Saturday night the idea of having some sort of easy to unroll mat or thin camping mattress that She could pull out to have me sleep on the floor, I know that it was a candidate for just such a punishment. I can think of a few other things She would tend to gravitate towards as well, none of them pleasant. So that part is a little bit scary but I also think would be really good for me.

Syr mentioned that She thinks She should do more little things to assert Her ownership throughout, otherwise mundane or busy day to day type activities - nothing overt, but little reminders. She's done a bit more of that even for the last four or five days and the result seems to be that I am more relaxed, behaving in a more trusting way, and pretty much just staying really ... really.... little.

I like it.

Weekend Snippets

2010-01-17T23:32:00.000-08:00

Thursday night, She ravished me and I can still feel the way that my Owner slowly, deliberately and agonizingly pressed Her cock deep inside of me until it pressed against my cervix for long moments of combined pain and pleasure. She usually takes me with a driving intensity and force, ravaging me until I beg for the mercy of an orgasm. This was different. She moved slowly, but intensely. I remember the way She made me stay still, reminding me - "Take what you are given, slave" - when I would arch up for more or whimper for Her to move more quickly. But then, something shifted and I was surrendering and floating and content to let her torment me in this way as long as She desired while I gave in to the luxurious intensity of the slowness. She moved this way inside of me until She shuddered with orgasm and then, only then, ordered my release.

Last night, we spent the afternoon and evening with a kink/lifestyle-friendly friend and I got some much needed time to really just be in my role. I got rather hyper enjoying this rare opportunity to just let go and had a few bratty moments. But I also got some lovely reminders and some conversations opened the doors to new revelations and understandings. Most of all, I had some quality time at Syr's feet, my cheek resting on Her knee. Those moments are pure bliss. Then, at bedtime, She teased about me sleeping on the floor, but I was feeling so little, I took Her literally and was prepared to sleep on the floor. I wasn't sure how I felt about it; it was late and I was a bit sleepy, but the resulting conversation left me feeling very Owned and cared for. A lot of the conversation revolved around punishment for arguments that get out of hand (on my part, attitude-wise) and the benefit that has even when I have already learned my lesson. There is a cleansing feeling that goes along with it and we had a really enlightening conversation about that. I fell asleep feeling very secure and safe, and grateful that I was falling asleep in my Owner's arms.

Today, I spent the whole day feeling my place acutely.

Missing Daddy...

2010-01-13T22:35:00.000-08:00

I was away recently, on a necessary trip - alone - to attend the memorial service of the afore mentioned beloved friend I recently lost.

In many ways, the trip was about healing for me. It was a time for remembering and processing, for crying and singing. Many of the feelings that I spent the weekend sorting through were highly personal.

The friend that passed away was not someone Daddy ever had the chance to get to know, and so naturally there were some roadblocks in really sharing my grief with Her or turning to Her for comfort - though of course She was wonderfully understanding and supportive of my grieving process.

Going alone was originally a choice made out of necessity. And while there were many moments within the three days I was gone when I wished for nothing more than Daddy's strong arms around me, holding me or Her shoulder to lean my head on, I found that ultimately it was necessary for my own personal healing to go it alone.

This left me with an interesting feeling. I didn't really miss Daddy the way I thought I would (or should?) and while I know this was a good and healthy thing, I felt a pressing need to tell Her this. She totally understood, even laughed, and said sometimes we just need a break, and that it's totally ok. I get what She meant. Sometimes, it's nice to have some alone time or some time where your responsibilities to your partner aren't at the forefront.

But - for me, this time, it was about something more than that. It was about letting myself really FEEL the grief and the pain on my own. It was about holding those emotions, releasing them, working my way through them (not suppressing them) and reminding myself that I am capable of doing this with or without a Daddy right next to me to lean on. In this way, it was really empowering.

I am grateful to have a Daddy, an Owner, a Syr, and a best friend in my Wife. She is my partner in so many things and I feel we have a very close, fully open, and overwhelmingly trusting relationship. In all ways, I feel that my relationship with Her empowers me and helps me to grow into my potential. But, it's nice to have some reminders that I really have grown, really have gotten to a healthier place than I was even as recently as five years ago.

I felt proud of myself and when I got home and hugged and kissed Her, I had this all encompassing feeling of personal pride. It was if I had taken "being a good girl" to a whole new level.

So maybe I didn't miss Daddy, in the ways I thought I would, while I was away. But - I sure did make Daddy proud!

Gratitude

2010-01-11T21:28:00.000-08:00

Had a moment today where I was being ungrateful.

Daddy had me in Her thoughts and had done something kind but I was nitpicking. I was frustrated with myself but I am glad I was able to see my behaviour clearly (and speedily) and rectify the situation.

I love it when She does nurturing things and I need to remember to show Her my appreciation when She does.

I love You, Daddy, and thank You - I really do appreciate You!

Daddy's Clothes

2010-01-07T21:58:00.000-08:00

Her jeans fit perfectly, sitting just below Her waistline, and my eyes roam over the snug black tee shirt that She wears, tucked in, with a button down shirt hanging open on top of it.

My eyes trace Her body, falling to the untied laces of Her heavy brown leather boots. Falling to my knees in front of Her, I tie each boot in turn, unable to resist a shy glance up at Her but quickly blush and look away again when my eyes meet Hers.

Standing once more, I reach forward and carefully button Her shirt, avoiding the intensity of Her gaze. I step back to review my work and ensure that everything is in order. Wistfully, I eye Her waistline. The only thing that would add to the experience is a belt.

After my assessment, She closes the gap between us and kisses me, claiming me, as I surrender to Her embrace. Neither of us have spoken a word.

Moments later, we're in the car headed out to run some errands, my right and Her left hand comfortably clasped between us.

It's just another day, but the moment shared just seconds before is no less powerful for it's transience.

Growth in Service: "What's Done is Done"

2010-01-02T23:42:00.000-08:00

Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings (or "what's done is done")

Ask, don't tell Owner what Her feelings are

Waiting for the answer after asking a question

Not defending/countering

Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice

How NOT doing these things invalidates Owner's feelings/emotions

I'm doing this as one entry because all these things relate to each other pretty intimately, i believe, and because this came up in a calm but frustrating conflict between my Owner and I just this evening. But I'll break it up bit by bit.

Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings (or "what's done is done")

This is one of my BIGGEST battles. Okay, maybe I say that a lot but I think this is really true and is the root (and thus the heading) of many conflicts. Once there is an unpleasant emotion (read previous entry on that issue), I try to 'correct' things. My attempt to correct is fear-driven. I don't like feeling that someone is having a negative emotion towards or about me (who does?) and so I try to make it go away. When I write it out like that, it sounds really ridiculous and futile - and wholly illogical. But in my mind - in the moment - it is a very logical and analytical sort of step to take.

If (for example) my Owner seems frustrated with me about the way I expressed myself about something - then it would serve my logical purposes at the moment to explain that whatever is causing Her frustration was a misunderstanding because I certainly didn't mean to come across in a frustrating way. Except, the thing is that I get very, very determined to PROVE that I did nothing (at least intentionally) to cause the negative emotion - therefore the negative emotion need not be there.

Um, do you see the problem here? Once a negative emotion is experienced, I can't erase it by explaining away whatever led to it (whether by excuse or apology) but I don't think it's possible to explain just how desperately I want to do JUST that. *sigh*

This is a driving thing and something that needs to be worked on a lot more on my part. Once the negative emotion is there - whether I agree with it or not, whether I think it should exist or not, whether I think I am to BLAME for it or not - it's still there. I can not (and dear Goddess I should not be trying to) explain it away!!

Ask, don't tell Owner what Her feelings are

I've made a lot of progress on this but I have to constantly check myself. I used to, quite regularly, assume that my Owner was angry or frustrated or annoyed at me and would state this presumptively within a conflict or conversation and this would upset my Owner. Interestingly, having someone assume what I am thinking or feeling really irks me in a big way, so I really understand how annoying this behaviour is and have been trying to curb it. I still catch myself doing it sometimes or trying to find different (softer) words but still stating my Owner's feelings rather than asking.

This is in the outline because I really think this is a personal 'rule' I need to work on with myself. I need to remember to ASK (and never just state/tell) my Owner what She is thinking or feeling.

Not defending/countering

Remember the post about listening and, specifically, not interrupting? This is probably the worst habit I have in conflict and it is definitely rooted in the issue of believing on some level that I can make a negative thought go away by 'explaining' it away.

In a conflict, if I am interrupting - nine times out of ten it is with something like "I didn't say it like THAT" or "I didnt' mean it to come out that way..." or "I said ___ not ___" or.... (the list goes on... and on).

Almost every time I interrupt, it is an effort to defend or argue a point. Now, maybe that's true for everyone in conflicts, and it's probably pretty normal in the bigger picture of human interaction/arguments/conflicts. But, what bothers me about this behaviour is how HARD it is to stop myself. It takes a ridiculous amount of concentration and, dare I say, willpower just to keep myself silent without countering - and I mean that it takes that much work just to stop myself from arguing the most ridiculous of minute details just to avoid starting a side-argument over something dumb - oh yeah, and I often DON'T catch myself in time.

When it comes to 'countering', it seems that everything is up for grabs - even the tiniest of details, which in turn adds frustration to the entire interaction as my Owner struggles to just stick to the original point.

As with many of the other things within our arguments if I can remember to listen respectfully throughout the entire conversation, I will make more progress.

Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice

I've worded this one fairly strongly on purpose. When I ask a question, particularly one about opinion, what my Owner "means", what She 'feels', what Her opinion is, etc - the only SANE response is to accept the answer I am given.

It is not fair or appropriate (with anyone, let alone my Owner) to argue over Her opinions, feelings, or perceptions. If I ask "what do You want for dinner" and She says "spaghetti", it is not appropriate or polite to say "what about meatloaf?". We obviously never have that particular exchange but I think you get my drift. It's a very simple, foundational basic to remember to just accept the answers I am given without question. It doesn't mean I need to agree with every single thing - but it means that respecting my Owner's feelings, emotions, and opinions means not making Her have to justify them all the time.

I trust Her - and as I frequently remind myself - trust is the root of all of these things. When I remember to trust, I relax and the rest becomes a lot less like work and a lot more like natural communication.

How NOT doing these things invalidates Owner's feelings/emotions

And the point of all of this is that when I don't do the above things - I make my Owner feel badly. Not respecting Her feelings/emotions without question invalidates them and whether I agree with them or not or even whether I understand what caused them or not does not make them disappear. This obviously circles back to the first point - what's done is done.

If my Owner feels frustrated, that's Her right. And to remind myself from an earlier post, just because She feels frustrated does not mean it is up to me to "fix it", it is just up to me to respect it and be aware and respectful of Her needs, whether it be to discuss it or to back off from it (another thing I struggle with)

---

One interesting side-point that came up this evening was my Owner's warning about dropping something so that it NOT turn into an argument.

I have often interpreted this to mean "If we keep talking to each other, we will fight because you will do something to piss me off."

but ...

what i learned tonight is that what She means by this is "I'm getting upset/frustrated/angry (insert emotion) and need a break from this because I'm not feeling particularly objective and if we push the issue right now it WILL become an argument"

I actually NEVER took it that way. I have always taken that warning to mean that She somehow thinks I'm going to lose my cool or not be capable of talking about it rationally (cuz it's all about me right? geesh) and I have never stopped to consider that what She might mean is that SHE is not in the right headspace to continue rationally (or even mean that WE are not in the right headspace), but I don't think - in hindsight - that She has ever meant it as an accusation about my inability to be reasonable. Oops. Another thing I took personally and often 'defended' to the point of - well.. missing the point.

It just goes to show how big language things are. And, more importantly, it's a reminder to me to check myself and to work harder at not interpreting everything through the "how have I messed up or how am i being accused of messing up" filter. This filter is what gets me in trouble. Many times a comment or request or question is nothing to do with me and everything to do with where my Owner's head or emotions are at. Once again, not everything is about me. :)

~*~*~*~*~

Kitten recently posted about her Master's style of Zen Mastery which prompted A Subtle Slavegirl to post about it and in both the phrase that stood out - that seems to be the most potently 'felt' is this one -

"Surrender is a reaction. Submission is a decision."

Yeah, that! For me, this tied into all this work I feel like I am constantly doing to overcome my 'stuff', to be better at communicating, to overcome my dysfunctional patterns and past programming. Sometimes, I get so frustrated with all of the work that needs doing that I feel really broken - but it is not up to my Owner to accept me as is all the time without question - that is what leads to dysfunction (at least for me). It is not up to Her to 'fix' me either. It is not up to Her to constantly push me for this sort of growth. It is up to me to bring this to the table - to be willing to do the work to be a better person, wife, little girl, and slave. It is my decision to work on these things, on basics and on things that aren't so basic that makes it an act of submission and one that is beneficial to us both.

It's far easier to simply do what one is told than it is to bring something, with effort, to the relationship and put the work and energy behind it to make it work. It is the work and the active engagement on my part that makes, even this, an act of submission.

New Years Eve

2009-12-31T22:22:00.000-08:00

In these last hours of 2009, I find myself reflecting upon my recent journeying. It isn't just this last year that is swirling around in my head but the last several.

It feels really amazing to look back and remember where I was and to feel so rooted in where I am now at the same time. The two seem so far apart. I spent so long being so lost. I looked for love in one place, romance in another (or not at all), family in another, passion in another, and submission/kink in yet another. No wonder I was so confused!

I just didn't realize that it was possible (and how greedy can one person be, anyway?) to find family, love, passion, romance, and the sweetest of surrenders in one place. But my Owner changed all of that.

With Her I have found the deepest trust I have ever experienced, the most complete and all-encompassing love, the most exciting passion that keeps me guessing all the time, the sweetest and most sincere romance, and the fullest and most complete surrender and submission.

She opens me up and peers into the darkest corners of my spirit and handles what She finds there with expert ease and tenderness. I am never unsafe with Her. I am often frightened - of losing Her or us, or of making too many mistakes or of driving Her away or of not being good enough and She reminds me that those sort of fears are normal - though unwarranted. And the thing is, with Her - I can believe that. I never could with anyone else I ever trusted with my heart because 'they' always failed to keep that promise.

My vow to my Wife and Hers to me were "forever" - and we bound ourselves to one another in this life and all lives to come, both being believers of reincarnation and our connection with each other. And the thing is, I believe this. I don't think I could if it wasn't the real deal.

The most amazing thing to me is all that I have learned so far, on this journey with Her. It has been 3 years (and then some) of marriage and I am so much more evolved and healthy as a person now then I was on our wedding day.

It's so funny - how giving up control and power and surrendering yourself to Another in trust and submission can make you stronger. But it does.

Well - it has for me, anyway.

Goodbye, 2009.

Hello, 2010. We have work to do.

Expectations

2009-12-30T23:15:00.000-08:00

An interesting interaction between my Owner and I prompted this assignment...

I had been thinking about something naughty and hinting at this fact to Syr. Usually if She realizes that I am thinking about something 'interesting', She would prompt me to tell Her all about it, often times exerting at least a bit of Her authority to do so. What I wasn't actively thinking about was that I had actually painted a mental picture of how She would respond to my naughty reminiscing.

And while She responded with interest to the fact that I was thinking about something naughty, She did not respond in the precise way I had imagined (read: expected) that She would and I foolishly let my disappointment show.

Syr called me on it in a flash. I'd laid the ground work to 'get' a particular reaction. That could be called manipulation, micro-management, or setting Her up. There was no malicious intent, but I do adore the feeling of being 'made' to admit what is on my mind. I was just in the mood for that sort of interaction and so in a way I was trying to make it happen.

In doing this, I managed to trap my Owner in a rock/hard place situation. She could either cave and do what I was setting Her up to do - or She could not and then She deals with my disappointment or hurt feelings. Unfair.

She handled it well. She called me on it and I employed that whole listening thing to hear Her point of view and all points were valid. I wanted something and, whether intentional or not, tried to "make" Syr give it to me. Hm. Counter-productive, much? I think so!

Lesson learned. Syr reminded me that I need to work harder at not being so invested in a particular (and very specific) outcome when I act. This is such a healthy reminder in all areas of my life. I like, to some degree, knowing what to expect - there is an element of control to that - and so I try to do things to make sure I know what to expect.

The interesting thing is, that I often have the most wonderful time, the most REAL experiences when I let go of that, trust and just open up to whatever is going to happen. That is where the magic happens - not in the planning but in the humanity of the experience.

Ahh, the unknown. It can be sexy too.

Growth in service: Listening vs. Talking

2009-12-29T22:39:00.000-08:00

Growth in Service
Listening vs. Talking (aiming for a 60/40 split)
How "mentally preparing" for next point interferes with listening

Conversations, particularly ones with high emotions or anger involved used to be a battleground for me where my only ammunition was to get as much out as I possibly could in the very short time I was allowed to speak. This is past 'stuff' and, in its own way: ancient history.

And yet, it's - like so many things - programming.

Put me in a tense situation and my 'instinct' is to talk and not stop until I absolutely have to because, historically, I wouldn't get a chance again once I did. Once I was made to stop talking, it was over and I had 'lost' the battle.

This information is important to keep in mind when processing "listening". Because of the way I approached difficult conversations because of this programming, I would often spend the entire time (or at least a majority) someone else was speaking or telling me how they feel , preparing my 'case'. What was I going to say and how was I going to say it to have the greatest impact.

Maybe I should have been a lawyer.... *grin*

Seriously, though, it takes a very conscious effort for me to stop and really listen. That is why I want to try to keep in mind a goal to allow for at least a 60/40 split of listening/talking. I want to AIM to listen more than I talk. I don't succeed so often, but I'm working on it.

Like so many other things, this is becoming easier as my Owner tirelessly works with me on just this. She has a knack of showing just enough vulnerability to make it clear She is saying something important while not allowing me to try to control the situation. This has given me safe space for practicing my listening skills in these tense situations.

More and more I find that when I simultaneously stop talking AND stop planning what I need to say next, that I actually hear Her and something productive happens. It's the listening that is the magic 'cure' when there is a disagreement with someone I love. When I am caught up in doing the talking, I am convinced that if I say ... just the right thing... it will be over and there will be no more cause for a disagreement. But, that never works. The talking always seems to just make things more confusing or more complicated. It is the listening that gives me time and space to really think and to find a way through the confusion and it is almost always a clear path, well-lit with understanding and truth.

Amazing, that.

Growth in Service: Allowing for normal human emotions

2009-12-29T22:05:00.000-08:00

The outline is not forgotten. Syr asked me to write on two topics tonight. I chose to go in order, because I feel I have something to say on the next topic on the list:

Growth in Service

Conflict

Checklist

Allowing for normal human emotions (angry vs. grumpy, etc)

I have a really hard time with "negative" emotions. Positive ones are simple, easy to process.

Joy, pride, love, desire are all emotions that make me feel good about myself and whatever interaction or experience I am having. Anger, frustration, sadness, hurt feelings, grumpiness, annoyance are all emotions that make me feel badly about myself and whatever I'm experiencing.

I think that, just in writing that short paragraph that I've learned something. I take everything personally. Someone may be angry or grumpy or sad and I almost immediately think that it is about me or because of me. Newsflash - not everything is about me. It seems like a simple idea/concept and yet it isn't. I'm prone to sensitivities. I take it onto myself to ensure the happiness and contentedness of the people I love when I am around them. And yet, it really isn't my responsibility to ensure that the people I love are happy at all times.

Within reason, it is reasonable for me to expect myself to see to my Owner's comforts and to make Her life easier where possible. That is service. But to take personal responsibility for every emotion that She feels is not service, nor is it something that She expects of me.

I think that this is likely the root of much of my panic when someone near to me is exhibiting an unpleasant emotion. The reality of life is that yes - sometimes I've irritated someone or done something to hurt someone's feelings. But I don't seem to know how to process it if that happens. It's a work in progress and... I feel as if I have been making progress, a lot of it.

This has been something I've been working on for a while now, under my Owner's instructions. Now, more than ever before I am better able to step back from a situation and recognize that not every unpleasant emotion is a big deal. I'm better able, now, to decipher between grumpy and angry. Before, those two seemed and felt the same. Sometimes, my Owner is grumpy because of something that has nothing to do with me and sometimes She is grumpy because of something I contributed to. But I don't automatically jump to the conclusion that She's angry at me. I still sometimes think along those lines but it isn't my first thought every time like it used to be.

An interesting byproduct of this is that I'm better able to put my own emotions in their proper place. I'm better able to tell when I'm just being grouchy or if I'm feeling an emotion that actually NEEDS to be dealt with by confronting someone or something.

Emotions aren't black and white but a thousand shades of grey. I'm learning more and more about this all the time. It makes me a better slave, a better wife, a better friend... but most of all, a better me.

Sad day

2009-12-27T18:45:00.000-08:00

Today just feels like a sad day.

When I got up this morning I tried to ground myself in service by cleaning the kitchen, unloading and reloading the dishwasher and hand-scrubbing some pots. When Daddy got up, I made Her coffee and then curled up and didn't do much else for the rest of the day.

Daddy knows today is hard and when I took Her to work, I asked if there was anything I should do. She told me to take a long bubble bath so I'm going to do that after posting this.

Hoping tomorrow is better!

Massage and Tears

2009-12-26T23:39:00.001-08:00

I gave my Owner a massage tonight, working my hands deep into the knots on Her back and shoulders where She holds all of Her tension.

We were watching a movie at the time, which had some sad bits. The sad bits combined with the meditativeness of working on Her muscles loosed something and I had what feels like my first 'productive' cry over the loss of my dear friend.

Not just a sad, helpless crying - but a deep wrenching sobbing. Sounds depressing - but that was a different kind of cry that I really needed, and was followed by some talking and processing and more tears - but there is movement. I feel a bit less locked up, though still really hurting.

My Owner held me and let me cry and be sad and also helped talk to me and one thing stood out to me, for some reason - the way that She kept Her eyes locked on mine. She sat in front of me and I could feel Her eyes staying solidly on me, and I felt safe and held by Her gaze.

I am loved.

Simple Service

2009-12-25T21:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, service is simple.

It's a holiday and things don't go quite the same when there are so many different things swirling all around us. But, still, there is something to said for quietly assisting my Owner with the turkey or making Her coffee in the morinng - even today. There is something to be said for taking a moment away from what is going on my own head to offer something up and to be mindful of Her needs.

Today has been difficult since the excitement and distraction of presents and stockings as I deal with the pain of loss, but even here, within this - there is service. I think today I have been acutely aware of how much those little things can matter, particularly when I'd really rather just be curled up in a corner paying attention to no one but myself while I process.

It really is about staying grounded, staying sane, and not losing sight of the important things because my heart hurts.

My Owner has been gentle and supportive and understanding of me being wherever I need to be - and I love Her so much.

Wrecked...

2009-12-23T13:00:00.000-08:00

I got some really bad news yesterday - the loss of someone very dear to me. I am not myself, but in some way I find enormous comfort in my submission. I fear that I am at risk of becoming so overwhelmed by emotions that I just don't do anything. Doing some chores and keeping up the expectations my Owner has of me during my time off of work will be a healthy outlet I think.

One of these expectations is to update this blog daily. I missed yesterday but had begun a post which I will finish - see below...

----

My Owner has been a ravenous beast the last few days, and I am certainly not complaining! Sunday night... well... you've already read about Sunday night!

As it just so happens, my beloved Owner really... REALLY liked reading about the events of Sunday night! She was in a Mood when I got home and ordered me upstairs where She proceeded to ravish me again!

She proceeded to use me quite thoroughly again on Tuesday night....

And Wednesday afternoon, it all culminated in an afternoon romp whereupon She stripped me bare, filled me with the Nexus plug in my ass, the Smartballs in my cunt and the Layaspot vibe against my clit and layed me, face down, on the bed where She gave me the most mindblowing spanking and caning of my life. Filled like that, I was simply immobilized. I couldn't squirm (well, I could but it was pretty overwhelming when I tried, so I didn't). And when She ordered it, as She spanked me ever harder, I came - my whole body exploding as She paddled my ass so hard with Her bare hands.

Four solid days of hot, hot sex and I am a very contented slave, in that way, with the marks to prove it.

And, my Owner? She is a 'tudmuffin!

Good Girl/Bad Girl

2009-12-22T11:29:00.000-08:00

Daddy started a system of discipline for me not very long ago and the system came with a couple of basic rules.

I'm not allowed to chew or pick at my fingernails/cuticles/lip (bad nervous habit) nor am I allowed to swear or use bad gestures.

The system is two jars. I start the week with one filled with 600 pennies or $6.00, symbolically. Throughout the week, every time I break one of the rules or other arbitrary ones (poor attitude, pouting inappropriately, etc), Daddy tells me to take out however many pennies that She decides that particular transgression should cost me out of the Good Girl Jar and move them over to the Bad Girl Jar.

My good girl jar is covered in little fairy stickers and my bad girl jar has silly monster stickers on it. Then, at the end of the week, I have however much money as I do pennies in the good girl jar that I can spend on silly things just for me. I like that I always start out the week with my Good Girl Jar full!

I use my good girl money for things like apps for my ipod touch or treats or other things. It works really well and has started to work even when i'm not around Daddy. I swear a lot less now, even my friends have noticed!

Most especially, it is nice to have a way to have consistent discipline even when we're not alone. The teenagers think it's funny and having 'swear jars' is something they know other adults have done so it doesn't strike them oddly and this way Daddy can 'punish' me for bad behaviour anytime without needing to wait for when we are alone. The jars are clear so I can see how well I'm doing that week by how full the good girl (or conversely, bad girl) jar is.

I'm really grateful for this system because it makes me feel very loved and cared for to have a consistent discipline system in my life. I'm very goal-oriented and also really find beauty in punishment.

Thank You, Daddy!

Body, Mind, Heart, and Soul

2009-12-21T15:43:00.000-08:00

My Owner was going out to do some Christmas shopping but before She left, She gave me my orders. "Every hour, on the hour, you are to play for five minutes - but you may not cum. You may not cheat, you must play like you MEAN it." I looked up at Her, pouting just a little. I was already desperate for Her cock, it had been too long, and this assignment meant certain torture. But Syr followed this up by adding, "And if you are a very good girl, and don't cheat, I might let you suck my cock later." A warm heat rushed through me. My Owner knows how much I love worshiping Her cock with my mouth.

Thankfully, Syr's errands didn't take as long as expected. I'd had to play at 4pm, 5pm, and 6pm, and She was home by 6:30. She is more efficient than I when She shops. When She got home, it was clear She was exhausted by the experience of braving the Christmas crowds. Her feet hurt, Her legs were sore and She was tired. She took a hot bath and I finished up the wrapping I was doing. We chatted for a bit and then She decided it was time for bed and maybe a movie. I made it clear that while the assigned torture had been... well.. torture, I knew She wasn't feeling Her best and suggested a movie. "Maybe..." She noncommittally replied and headed upstairs to leave me to do the tidying up and shutting down of the house for bed.

When I got to the bedroom, Fully clothed, my Owner stood before me, arms crossed over Her chest and eyes flashing with Her particular brand of mischief. I was caught off guard and my eyes fell to the thick hardness I could see under Her pants, along Her thigh. I grinned wickedly and impishly back at Her, feeling rather bold myself.

In a flash, my Owner had my nipples between Her fingers, through my thin tee-shirt. (She has such a knack for finding them instantly!) and She pulled them up forcing me up onto my tiptoes as I whimpered in protest. "What is that defiant look all about?" She growled.

"What defiant look?" I replied, the bratty side of me not quite ready to settle down yet...

"That one." Syr replied looking directly into my eyes as She suddenly pulled my nipples harder.. and higher until I whimpered in pain.

"Now," She began, "who owns you?"

"You do, Syr" I meekly replied, squinting my eyes against the sharp pain in my nipples.

Satisfied for the time being, She released my nipples. "Why are you still dressed?".

I quickly tugged my tee shirt up over my head and unclasped my bra, tossing both to the side.

"Keep going." Syr demanded as I removed my pants and panties, standing naked in front of Her. She pressed against me, the cotton of Her black, sleeveless shirt brushing across my sensitive nipples as She took my wrists and pinned me up against the cold wall behind me eliciting a gasp of shock.

With Her knee, She pressed my thighs apart and leaned into me with Her body - making me acutely aware of Her, fully clothed, and me fully nude. She knows how the contrast of clothed versus non-clothed affects me and, as intended, I felt my place acutely. She kissed my neck, Her teeth nipping at me, growling against me before letting go and stepping back to the center of the room. With one finger pointed down, She snapped and I moved to stand in front of Her. Her hand tangled in my hair and pulled me to my knees in front of Her.

"Open my pants, slave." She murmured, Her voice husky with desire.

My fingers moved, trembling, to unbutton and unzip Her pants, pausing a moment as She continued. "Take out My cock."

I needed a little help dislodging Her large cock from Her pants. Once it was free, I leaned in eagerly but my Owner stopped me, Her hand closing around Her cock just behind the head as She held my head back with the hand She still had buried in my hair.

"What do you want, little girl?" She asked, keeping Her cock mere centimeters from my lips. I whimpered.."Your cock" as I strained against the pull on my hair, desperately wanting to feel Her cock filling my mouth.

"Then ask." She said, a laugh playing at the corners of Her lips. "Ask Me for what you want, slave."

"Please, Syr... Please may I suck Your cock?" I whimpered, desperate to feel it.

She pulled my head closer then, but Her hand blocked all but the very tip of the head. This didn't stop me from doing the best I could, anyway, though as I let my tongue swirl around the head, my lips pressed against the fingers that kept me from taking Her cock even deeper.

After teasing me this way for some time, She moved Her hand back, letting Her cock glide smoothly along my tongue until it nudged at the back of my throat. I moaned my pleasure and gratitude as She began moving Her hips, fucking my mouth slowly. My hands moved to the front of Her thighs, gripping them through the bunched fabric of Her pants and then they were at Her cock and then back at Her thighs. She grabbed both of my hands and pressed them back into place on the front of Her thighs and ordered gruffly, "Keep them there."

In response, I dug my nails back in and held on tight as She began driving Her cock deep into my mouth, moving Her hips faster as Her hands curled into the back of my head so tightly. "Cum." She ordered and I felt my body shudder as I complied. She took my mouth, fucking me and I moaned as I felt the smooth, silky friction of Her cock. "Don't bite My cock, slave" She warned and increased Her tempo. I kept my teeth back, opening wide for the onslaught of Her cock. I felt so taken, so claimed and I could feel the wetness accumulating as I grew swollen and needy to feel Her cock deep inside my pussy.

The sounds I made around my Owner's cock varied between moans of absolute pleasure and whimpers that betrayed my growing desperation. Suddenly, She stopped moving Her hips, holding very still... "Work My cock, slave, show me how badly you need it." She ordered, loosening Her grip on my hair as I began working my mouth up and down Her cock, taking it as deep as I possibly could, swirling my lips around it as I triggered, momentarily, my own gag reflex with my enthusiasm. "Cum!" She ordered again, and again I trembled and shook as I came around Her cock.

"Good girl" crooned my Owner in reply as She took over once again, driving Her cock between my eager lips faster and faster as She ordered "beg Me to fuck you" and then pulled Her cock roughly away. "Please Syr," I begged with all sincerity, "Please fuck me..."

"Get in position." She demanded and I complied without hesitation, laying the waiting towel out beneath me and opening my thighs to receive Her. She looked down at me, fire in Her eyes as She applied lube to Her already moistened cock and, bracing one hand on either side of my head, drove Her cock inside of me to the hilt on the first thrust.

She moved inside of me with ease and wasted no time in quickening Her pace. "Cum!" She ordered, early on as She prefers so that She can feel the way my insides swell and grip Her, becoming tighter around Her making me ever more sensitive for the onslaught that was to come - and come it did. She fucked me with a furious pace, slamming Her cock into me so deeply again and again. I begged for release often and sincerely and came wildly each time She ordered it.

And then something in the movements She was making shifted. She ground deeper and harder against me and I could feel and see the muscles in Her shoulders, arms, and even thighs tensing in that deliciously telling way. My Owner was close to cumming inside me! I reached my hands into the sleeves of Her tee shirt and scratched my nails along Her skin, silently urging Her to cum. She ground harder, and faster, and ordered me to cum and I did, clamping my cunt down so hard onto Her cock as she drove it deep and hard inside me, pressing against me with incredible force as Her own release began to rush through Her. Her groan of release coupled with yet another command to cum and we came to a shuddering climax together and She kept moving Her cock inside me as She continued to cum, far longer than I am used to eliciting even more orgasmic clenching from my own body.

Her cock remained deep inside me, my body pulsing around it, but She wasn't done with me, not yet. After a moment to recover from Her own intense orgasm, She slowly began to move inside of me again, ignoring the pressure against Her own sensitive clit behind Her cock as She worked up the pace, Her hands back in my hair, tangling, pulling me even harder against Her. Before long, She was fucking me wildly again, demanding my compliance, my surrender. I bucked against Her with every climax.

Her cock was feeling hot now, as if it was burning me up from the inside. She paused to add more lube but we both knew the friction from earlier was what was causing the sensation which was both wicked and wonderful.

But She wasn't done, not yet.... and honestly, neither was I. She fucked me still, and then She let me beg.... for so long. She fucked me harder, and harder as I pleaded for another release - yet she held me off. She fucked me hard and fast, but then long... and slow, drawing the moans and whimpers out of me as She artfully worked me over.

Finally, She decided it was time. "Who owns You little girl?" and drove Her cock into me HARD as I replied "You do, Syr!!". "Forever." She stated and again drove in as I replied obediently, "Forever, Syr!".

"Body... repeat, Slave." She growled and again timed Her thrust with my reply... "Body..."

"Mind.." again Her cock slammed into my body as I replied... "Mind!!"

"Heart!" She announced and pressed so deep.... "Heart!!!" I whimpered

"SOUL!" She growled and drove even deeper.... "SOUL!" I cried out.

"CUM, slave!" She ordered.... and I came, hard, clenching down on Her cock, thrashing wildly as She pressed Her lips against my neck, holding Her cock so deep into my body, holding me so tight.

We layed there, tangled in each other, heaving with the energies spent from passion.

"Thank you, Syr" I whispered in adoring gratitude.

"You're welcome, little girl." She whispered in reply, pressing Her lips so softly against my temples.

Place of Vulnerability

2009-12-17T22:59:00.001-08:00

A couple of months ago, Syr, a friend of ours, and myself were at our local toy store, perusing the goodies for sale. Syr needed a new cock, having just discovered that She had to retire the previous one.

It took us a long time to pick out a new cock, the last was so beloved by us both. Sadly, however, the previous one had been discontinued as had its similarly sized competitor. Are there no size queens left in queer-ville?!? Why do the biggest, juciest cocks keep getting discontinued?

In any case, we did find a deliciously smooth cock while, of slightly less girth, was still nice and long. Syr was dubious about the lack of texture along the cock - but all I could think of was how lovely it would be to suck such a smooth, silky cock. When I mentioned this perk to the texture, Syr felt a lot better about Her choice. But, I digress...

I was still browsing the store, just for fun, when my eyes fell on a small display of little, silicone butt plugs. Syr saw where my eyes were and breezily ordered, "Pick one." and then wandered away.

I stood there, silently stammering surprise and weak objections in my head while Syr was likely slyly watching (and enjoying) my stunned silence. I spun and gave Her a questioning look. She'd never shown any interest in exploring anal play before. She just nodded and reiterated - "Pick one."

I could feel myself blushing as I thought of the possibilities. I'd only explored anal play twice before. Once was pleasant, once was not with the 'not' being more recent but there was something so thrilling about the way my Owner so casually decided that She wanted to give it a try.

I settled on a small, smooth, gently curved plug that didn't seem too intimidating and noticed that even the thought of Syr pressing it into my ass filled me with a deep sensation of what it feels like to be truly owned - of knowing that every part of my body is available for Her use.

It was several days later when Syr first played with me, there. I remember, still, how intensely and quickly I dropped into the sweetest subspace the moment I heard the snap of the latex glove she put on. The feeling of Her finger, pressing into me there was scary but not really. I was awash with trust and submissive adoration, even then. I knew I was safe, but it was such a deeply vulnerable feeling. The plug, being not much larger than Her finger felt wonderful once it was inside me. The result was that we both very much enjoyed the experience and were eager to repeat it.

One night, Syr pressed the plug inside of me, and had me get dressed again and proceed with my usual activities while filled. This was amazing as the plug was comfortable but it was not possible for me to ignore it and so even the simplest activity made me hyper-aware of my submission and vulnerability. The base of the plug being round though created some irritation after I'd worn it in this way for a while. My Owner mentally filed this information away.

Syr experimented with fucking me while the plug was in but it was so smoothly curved and small that it doesn't like to stay in whilst I am being filled with my Owner's cock. Several positions later, Syr found a way to make it work for the time being and it was amazing the sensations it provoked.

Then, a month or so ago, Syr and I were at a local exhibition of adult sex-related products and services, when She found a really lovely little anal toy called the Nexus Duo, which I just discovered is now discontinued! I'm glad we got one when we did! This little guy has a very narrow neck before the flared base which happily is not big and round but longer, more anchor shaped which means it can comfortably stay in my bum for longer periods without irritating me. It also... vibrates. It's not terribly quiet, that way, but for non-vibrating could discretely be worn under clothes for longer periods of time.

We've only had the opportunity to play with the Nexus once, so far - thanks in large part to the craziness of this time of year - but the once was... VERY exciting.

Syr pressed it into me, while it was vibrating, and I went wild. So wild, in fact, that She decided to turn the vibration off so that She could fuck me properly while it was inside me. It stayed put, much to Her satisfaction, and She added a small cozy and smooth vibrator to my clit while she fucked me and I am fairly positive that I turned myself inside out when She finally gave me permission to cum. It was one of the most explosive orgasms I have ever experienced.

While we have only just begun to explore anal play, I must say that what stands out for me is the utter and total vulnerability and submission I feel when my Owner accesses this part of my body.

Sit on Santa's Lap!

2009-12-17T22:17:00.000-08:00

Also ...

Go ahead and sit on Santa's lap, over at Fetlife!! :-)

Tell him if you've been naughty or nice... though if you're reading my blog - I vote NAUGHTY! ;)

In any case, there are goodies to be won!

Sometimes, I yell at my Owner.

2009-12-17T21:22:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I yell at my Owner and sometimes I behave in really disrespectful ways.

It's difficult when we have an argument, especially one I start... maintain... and finish mostly on my own steam simply because I am being obstinate, selfish, or frustrated over something (and most especially when it's something really insignificant).

I have a long and glorious history with partners and biological family members of *not* defending myself. Of... 'taking it' in unhealthy ways. This is the reality of my past and of my childhood. And for years I 'took it' and 'took it' and then....

And then I started to grow up, to heal, to find myself - to learn strength and conviction and how to value myself.

And boy I tell you if the pendulum didn't just swing the other way! I spent so long 'taking it' that once I got used to the idea that it was okay to stand up for myself, I got a wee bit carried away. I didn't know how to defend myself "a little bit". If I felt hurt or slighted, I would feel almost instant adrenaline-filled rage and a desire to FIGHT (not physically). This sensation in my body would be consuming and I would find myself getting really really angry over the littlest things... things that in the end just didn't matter.

Learning to identify this reaction and put it in it's place, categorize the types of things I need to 'fight back' on and the types of things that could easily be chalked up to a bad day, a little bit of grumpyness, or otherwise unintentional hurts is easier said than done. Sometimes I succeed... and sometimes I don't.

It's a process. The episodes where I get that worked up over insignificant stuff are fewer and further between but they do still happen.

I am a slave, much loved by my Owner.

I am a little girl, much loved by her Daddy.

I am submissive, filled with a desire to please - to be a good girl.

It's really tough when I don't behave in a way that honors my Owner, that shows my love of my Daddy, that proves my desire to be a good girl.

It's tough because I don't like making bad choices. I don't like when my emotions take over and I let them get the better of me. I especially don't like when I can look back on my behaviour and identify disrespectful tone, behaviour, or meanness.

Respect is a goal I strive for and, sometimes - perhaps even regularly, I fail miserably at it. It's such a beautiful and good goal. And perhaps by even having the goal - it is making it easier to recognize, back down, and be sincerely contrite when I do make mistakes.

Logically, I know that it is normal to struggle. If I didn't struggle with this - would my submission and surrender to my Owner be real, or would it be an act? It was easier, in a way, when my submission was compartmentalized. My ex-Master saw me on the occasional weekend and - for that weekend - I maintained my role as slave, but when we were apart - was I always so consciously aware of being pleasing, of making Him proud, of being respectful? I thought I was, but it isn't the same.

I am with my Owner every single day. This is a blessing and a gift, but it presents different challenges as well. In the realities of marriage, parenting, jobs and the day to day activities involved in running a household, it isn't as easy to be mindful, all of the time.

And yet - it is my responsibility as my Owner's slave to strive to be mindful all of the time, not just on weekends or during phone calls. I don't get to turn it on or off. Treating Her with respect is the expectation and it is up to me to fulfill it. And this is a good and healthy goal.

We had an argument tonight, and it didn't last long. After maybe 15-30 minutes or so of me totally losing my temper (and losing sight of my place and what She means to me), I was right in the middle of insisting that I hadn't said something She'd said I said (I get very literal when I'm upset), when she just stopped me in my tracks with a very direct question - "Was what you said respectful or not?"

I shut up right away and whispered, meekly, "Not." All of the steam and fight in me gone, instantly, just like that as the reality of Her question hit home.

No, I hadn't been respectful... not at all. I'd been selfishly wrapped up in my own feelings, completely disregarding Hers, and holding on to my "point" out of pure stubbornness. The moment it hit home that I had been disrespectful, I was done. I knew at that point that there was no defense for my behaviour, nor any explanation.

Later, She made a comment, and I am not sure if She was joking or serious - perhaps a bit of both:

"Maybe, next time you have a question to ask Me, you should ask me while you are on your knees."

If I could keep that mental image of kneeling (whether or not my circumstances allowed me to phsyically do it) in my consciousness whenever I spoke to Her, a respectful tone and word choice would be much easier! It's certainly something to file away for later. I am a highly visual person, after all.

It is my opinion that - regardless of our dynamic, as my Wife, and my chosen partner, She always deserves my respect.

However, in light of our dynamic and my position in this relationship, I feel it is even more critical that I constantly work on improving my consistency in giving Her the respect She deserves.

And when I do, we both are better off for it.

Being Her slave is more than enough fuel to empower me for personal growth and this underlies everything I do. If I can learn from this experience, like the others, and become a better slave, little girl, and wife for it - isn't that the truest form of service?

Project Orgasm

2009-12-08T18:37:00.000-08:00

I have to leave in five minutes, and I haven't posted to this blog in two months. That math doesn't quite work, but I did want to address Project Orgasm before I go with a contribution, even if brief.

The orgasm I want to contribute to is the non-physical, non-touching, purely verbal orgasm.

This gem is one discovered only through my connection with my Owner. I remember when I first began to wonder if it would be possible. We were long-distance, talking on webcam and MSN Live chat and I was staring into Her eyes, looking up at Her from where I sat, curled up, in my overstuffed armchair that I'd pulled in front of the computer. I was comfortable, clothed, having our usual evening, and absolutely enraptured by the sound of Her voice.

We hadn't met yet, we were lovers, playmates and friends and She was my Dominant, even then. But it was Her voice as She talked to me in low tones, that had me aroused beyond belief. Every nerve in my body was thrumming with desire and heat and anticipation for... I don't know what....

And I remember saying, so softly, "Sometimes, I wonder if You could make me cum with only the sound of Your voice." I'll never forget the way Her eyes twinkled and the slow smile that meant She took it as a challenge, and was accepting it.

A few days later, late in the evening, in our usual spots, She began talking - a live erotic story for my benefit as She described actions. We were past this point, usually, in our play as the cam and voice and chat allowed us to interact in more dynamic ways. She often had me using toys on myself and cumming by the touches I administered at Her command. But not this night.

On this night She ordered my stillness as I just listened to Her. The cadence of Her voice as it rose and fell describing as scenario between us, describing touches in excruciatingly delicious detail, and Her voice - always rising and falling in perfect harmony with the story She was weaving.

She spoke for a long time, and I was transfixed and my body responded in such intense ways it was nearly painful as She worked me over with Her words. She was watching me, watching my face, the intensity of my eyes and She played me like the finest instrument. When I felt as though my body could not possibly pulsate any more intensely than it was already, She stopped, the quiet itself stroking my body from a thousand directions and ordered, "Cum!"

And I did.

Ever since that night, My Owner can make me cum, on command, without even touching me. It takes determination, connection, and the right mindset between us - and it is complicated to explain, but when She sets out to do it, it always works. Sometimes, it works without touch or build-up but merely a countdown as She whispers in my ear 10.... 9..... 8..... until She reaches 1 and presses Her lips against my ear to growl "Cum!" or sometimes, it is as it was that first night, minutes upon minutes of agonizingly detailed storytelling and often it is somewhere in between the two.

But, it is the only orgasm I know that simultaneously satisfies and teases. I think it is one of my Owner's favourite activities both because it can be done so subtly and because it is an exquisite kind of torment. I must concur that it is a sweet paradox, indeed.

Body Hair and Self-Image

2009-09-19T00:02:00.000-07:00

Syr tasked me with writing about body hair and self-image.

The truth is that I have a lot of self-image concerns and issues. One area where I am particularly self-conscious is with relation to my body hair.

Sure, there's that part of me that thinks - it's just hair, what's the big deal? And really, I suppose it probably wouldn't be AS big of a deal if I felt like I had a choice in the matter. But, here's where it gets complicated: I don't feel like I have a choice.

I'd LOVE to just be baby butt smooth all over. Luckily, I'm blonde - dark blonde - but still blonde, so it could be worse, I suppose. But while I can successfully (thank goodness!) shave my armpits and my legs to just above the knee without a problem, everything above about an inch above the knee is subject to rashes, breakouts, irritated skin, and a number of other not fun side-effects when I shave.

I suppose I could live with having a trimmed, but hairy pussy, but I'm not a fan of having hairy (almost masculine hairy) upper thighs! It really bothers me. I shave that area and I break out.

I have tried a lot of products to help with this. I've researched what causes breakouts and have had a decent amount of success with products like nair, or for a long time, magic shaving powder. I bought special single-blade bump-free razors and special sensitive skin aftershave balms. Everything works - for a short time. The magic powder worked until I developed a sensitivity to it (was even able to have a very smooth pussy!) The bump-free products also worked for a while until I started breaking out, even with them.

I still have one or two tricks up my sleeve, but these involve getting a close "trim" and not a smooth shave. So it LOOKS ok but can feel somewhat scratchy as to get the 'smooth' feel, I get breakout side effects.

Oops, I've digressed into rant mode about what I "want" and this isn't necessarily the point of the assignment.

my Owner points out regularly that having body hair is normal and that I am not the only one with more hair than preferred in the upper thigh (or elsewhere) areas and has even looked up photos online to show me some examples. I think it concerns Her that I sometimes "feel" abnormal because of this, but I think that, logically, I know better.

As long as my Owner is happy with my appearance and grooming, that is all that matters - but I think a huge part of me really struggles with wishing I could get that smooth, naked, vulnerable feeling of being as hairless as possible....

One point that Syr made recently is that She finds the hair more attractive then all the little bumpies and rashes that I get when I give in to the "to hell with it" impulse and go at that area of my body with a razor. This is good to know.

I feel like I'm writing about this but not really resolving anything. I think I just need to work on trusting that it's ok, not allowing myself to wallow in something that is superficial and doesn't matter at all to my Owner, and not letting it get to me so much.

Manners

2009-09-18T23:52:00.000-07:00

Exactly one week ago, my Owner brought to my attention a topic that She wanted me to think about - "proper manners" - when, where, & why.

In working on the Outline for Growth in Service, one thing that presented itself (thanks to my inspiration, O and f) was protocol.

We're not a high protocol couple. Protocols can be tough, unrealistic at times with all of the privacy issues that we have to deal with. But She raised an interesting point - when is it time to assume a more polite set of mannerisms with Her?

This came up because we were bantering back and forth and Syr took that 'tone', the one that means it's time to listen up and when I answered Her question, I said "Yes". She prompted me for a more proper reply but I was sleepy or not paying attention or both. She was fishing for the "Yes Syr" or "Yes Daddy" that would be expected during a slightly higher protocol 'moment' between us and I hadn't caught on.

For us, these moments are not the sort of thing we can plan or schedule ahead of time. They happen when they happen. And Syr counts on me to be attentive enough to not miss them when they do happen.

One thing that I need to work on is being more aware, and attentive to those moments when they occur. Missed opportunities are simply that, and there is a level of service provided when I can sense these mood-shifts and follow Her lead.

Growth in Service: Moment vs. Problem

2009-09-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

"Identifying when a moment is just a moment - vs. a 'problem' that needs to be addressed right that moment"

This topic falls under the conflict category - because my Owner and I both agree that this is often the source of a lot of our arguments in the first place.

I spent a great many years learning how to not speak my mind. If someone did or said something that hurt my feelings or made me mad, I learned that saying so was a bad... very bad idea. So bad, in fact, that I would often wonder if i'd even had the right to feel that way in the first place, no matter what the initial 'thing' was that sparked that feeling.

So - fast forward about 5-10 years from that point, and suddenly I don't need to be so concerned about the conseequences of speaking my mind, of sharing my feelings and of standing up for myself. Except, as is so often the case with extremes, the pendulum swung the other direction. Now, instead of staying silent, my impulse was to "stand up for myself" about *everything*.

And that is where I am now. I'm slowly coming back from the most extreme end of the pendulum swing, but I'm nowhere near the center yet. When my feelings or hurt or I'm offended, particularly with someone very very close to me - my impulse is to defend myself so intensely that I am often practically attacking the other person in my fervor to make sure I am allowed to speak up for myself.

This means that even the most momentary (and even potentially fleeting) hurt feeling or annoyance seems like a big deal that must be addressed. This really doesn't leave any room for benefit of the doubt. A grunt or some annoyed body language by my Owner can leave me feeling a little sensitive or wounded and feeling 'wronged' even though the grunt or annoyed body language may have just been a very fleeting bit of normal human grumpiness on the part of my Owner.

So we've quite a few discussions about trying to determine when something really NEEDS to be addressed. I have lots of little grumpy moments that She overlooks, or ignores, not because She didn't notice or because She found those things pleasant - but because She knew I'd had a bad day, or was likely just crabby, or tired, or hungry, or maybe I was just feeling a little off. There is a thought process there, that moment of "okay, that was unpleasant but is it really a big deal and is it really about me?". That moment of thinking about it seems to me to be the more healthy response to a little hurt feeling or annoyance over something seemingly small and out of the blue.

But my pendulum remembers what it was like to stay silent... because I had to. And now my instinct is to NOT do that no matter what. And so, stopping to pause, to think through "how important is this to bring up RIGHT NOW?" is really hard.

My Owner gave me the idea for a simple way to sort of mentally rate what I'm feeling at that moment and I think it simplifies it in a way that is easier to grab hold of, mentally:

Does it need to be brought up at all, or is it something I can let pass (giving benefit of the doubt - maybe just a grumpy moment, etc)

If I really feel like it needs to be brought up/talked about, can I bring it up a little bit later once I've had some time to think about it?

Is it so urgent that I really need to bring it up right now?

The point is that by the time I've thought about it long enough to rate the urgency, I've actually THOUGHT about it, which is the most important part. It sort of quells the knee-jerk defensive/protect myself response that is often overkill.

I have actually tried to begin practicing this and when I have remembered to go through this mental categorizing in the moment, it has worked beautifully. Ironically, each time I have categorized it, the feeling has been in the "not really necessary to bring it up at all" category. I can't describe how GOOD it feels five minutes later when the feeling is gone, nothing needed to be addressed, whatever unpleasant moment I had has passed, and I haven't picked a fight over something that ultimately wasn't that big of a deal.

The benefit isn't just mine. I love my Owner and I trust my Owner, and when I take the time to not jump immediately to "defend" myself, I am showing that trust - and am rewarded by discovering that in the end - there is often not anything that needs to be defended. Just regular human stuff.... and no matter how tough and strong She is, my Owner ... my Daddy... She is also still human. :)

Growth in Service: Uncomfortable Emotions

2009-09-07T16:29:00.000-07:00

Processing “negative” emotions
Identifying uncomfortable emotions
Examining the root – why is it so uncomfortable?
What is the fear - what’s the worst that could happen?
What to do with these emotions
Is it necessary to express verbally?
Productive ways to do so
Identifying coping mechanisms / Ways to process productively

"Using the basic idea presented here, identify how negative emotion interferes with communication and causes escalation. Outline three ideas to help prevent or mitigate this - keep the concept of small victories in mind when doing so."

My Owner tasked me to keep this first assignment as simple as possible, but I'm struggling with that a little bit as the ideas presented in the outline seem like big concepts - a lot to chew and swallow in one bite. I had to ask Her for help understanding the assignment and trying to figure out how to approach it. Seeking clarity helped - She wants me to look at this topic as an overview. That helped give me some direction.

This has come up a lot for me in the last few years. I really struggle with the experience of actually feeling a "negative" emotion. If I feel anger, frustration, annoyance, etc toward another person, I am immediately uncomfortable.

I really think that the very fact that I'm experiencing one of these unpleasant emotions causes me to feel anxious, and perhaps even guilty. This often causes the emotion itself to spiral out of control - which is a big contributor to the escalation of a situation where one of these emotions presents itself. I am angry - but then I am also anxious about being angry and now I am angry-anxious and the two play off of each other.

Three ideas to help mitigate this -

1. If I can learn to, in the moment, seperate the anger (or other emotion) from the anxiety I'm having about experiencing that emotion then I can address the anger/frustration/etc which will then mitigate the anxiety. Being able to distinguish which parts of what I'm feeling are actual emotion and which parts of what I'm feeling are fear-based can help me manage it better.

2. Learning to give myself permission to feel - "It's ok to be angry", "It's ok to be frustrated", then hopefully I can mitigate the anxiety altogether and then figure out next steps for how to process the emotion.

3. If I can find a way to not react/respond immediately to what I'm feeling when one of these uncomfortable emotions is involved so that I have TIME to do the things I've mentioned in #'s 1 and 2, then I am setting myself up for success. Whether it's taking a personal time-out before reacting, counting to ten, meditating, breathing, or doing some other action thing that will distract me enough to think through what I'm feeling - this could really help me deal in the moment.

Outline for Growth in Service

2009-09-06T18:00:00.001-07:00

Following my discovery of the outline I mentioned in my previous post, my Owner assigned me the task of using it as a jumping off point to create one more personalized to my challenges/goals and our dynamic.

When I sat down to work on it, I found the work easier than I thought it would be. The existing outline gave me lots of good ideas on how to apply it to me and my work - or my relationship and dynamic with my Owner.

I sent it to my Owner for review this afternoon. She'll be starting to work with me on it and will tweak it as necessary as She assigns each 'piece' rather than leaving me to work through it in order on my own. This makes sense to me as that way She can pull out writing topic points that are applicable in a given moment/situation or for reading when She wants to read about them - which I do think will maximize the benefit of the work.

I also think that it's good for me in the sense that I won't have the luxury of being able to 'plan ahead' to what comes next... a positive trust exercise.

So without further ado, here it is:

Conflict

Checklist

Identifying when an 'issue' must be addressed right then.

Allowing for normal human emotion

Grumpy vs. angry, indirect vs. passive aggressive

Aim for at least a 60/40 split with Listening vs. Talking

How “mentally preparing” for next point interferes with listening

Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings

Ask, don’t tell Owner what Her feelings are

Waiting for the answer after asking a question

Not defending/countering

Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice

How not doing these things invalidates Owner’s feelings/emotions

The Reminder: “Who Owns Who?”

The purpose of the reminder, why was it necessary?

Understanding the risk Owner is taking in doing the reminding

Taking a moment to be grateful

Pause and reflect on behaviour – in line with protocol?

“Stop” – Respecting Owner’s boundaries/need for space

Hearing & respecting the first time (always an order)

Ego Removal

Thinking / Understanding

Trust

Seeking reassurance – appropriate time and place

Resolving conflict productively

Assigning blame - why?

“I’m sorry” versus processing / expressing remorse

Trusting Owner to apply correction when required

Post-conflict self-abuse (mental/verbal/physical) = lack of trust

Wallowing/Dwelling

Service and Mindfulness

Can one exist without the other?

Ways to cultivate mindfulness

Identify your intentions

Continual removal of conflicting thoughts

Service to Owner as service to self

Orders

What qualifies as an order

Who judges whether a request is important?

Bargaining

Recognition/Reward – want vs. need

The positive effects of obedience

Being aware of Owner’s needs & desires

Offering vs. Being asked

Identifying, Understanding, & Banishing fear with trust

Practice, Practice, Practice

Avoidance & Anxiety

Identify the block / inner objection

Processing anxiety

What’s driving it

Trusting

Working within self-expectations

Desired level of service vs Minimum level (keeping it realistic)

Trusting Owner to decide what is/is not an acceptable level of service

Identify the pleasure - Service to Owner as service to self

Eye contact

Keeping focus when receiving direction

Maintaining focus when responding

Looking at vs. looking through

Corrections

Hearing the correction

Understanding the correction

Ego removal

Responding and offering gratitude for the Correction

Expressing Gratitude

What the hell for?

Understanding the service your Top provides

You probably need it – even if you disagree.

Spiritual self-work

Neuro-Elasticity vs. Samskaras

The joy of sticking with it

Processing “negative” emotions

Identifying uncomfortable emotions

Examining the root – why is it so uncomfortable?

What is the fear - what’s the worst that could happen?

What to do with these emotions

Is it necessary to express verbally?

Productive ways to do so

Identifying coping mechanisms / Ways to process productively

The discipline of focus

Visualize goal

Removing distraction

Motivating self through reflecting on success

Learning to follow

Being patient

Micro-management

Identifying what the fear is

Remembering to trust

Being flexible and open minded as service

Being comfortable without a plan / Spontaneity

Creating false objections to stay in ‘safe zone’

Letting go and letting Owner be in charge

Indecision

Identifying when struggle for control is the root

Asking for help when needed

Respect

Identifying Milestones

Identifying smaller achievements

Remembering smaller achievements

Rewarding smaller achievements (bidirectionally)

Protocol

All Settings

Mindfulness of Tone / Voice

LISTENING: Learning to unfilter verbal information

Identifying the filter

Acknowledging the obstacle

Listening to precise language

SPEAKING: Learning to unfilter verbal information

Identifying the filter / desire to spin

Acknowledging the obstacle

Speaking precisely

Remaining open to response

Integrating mindfulness

Answering Questions

Giving a straightforward answer

Avoidance and defensiveness

Answering a question with a question

Interactions with others

Vanilla settings

Addressing Owner

Tone used with terms of endearment, use of first name

Walking / Travelling

Food & Beverage

Dining out

Family Leisure time

Public – kinky/private settings

Addressing Owner – Syr, Daddy, my Owner

Expectation removal

Verbalizing desires

Desire vs Need

Accepting answers/responses – with trust

Food & Beverage Service

Playtime

Providing sensual service

Verbalizing headspace/mood

Removal of intensity / impulse to drive a scenario

Providing feedback

How expectation removal allows for full immersion in scene

Aftercare

Topic Outline

2009-09-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

Recently, a Daddy/girl couple whom I 'know' online (and whose dynamic I appreciate, respect, and personally identify with as it reminds me of my dynamic with my Owner) posted about a recent new bit of work they were doing together. I'll call them O and f. :)

I really identify a lot with f because I feel we share a similar tendency to be very emotionally and spiritually connected to our power exchange dynamics. It's not just a set of actions, but it is something that empowers us to personal growth - and more intensely connected relationships with our partners.

So, recently, O came up with an outline of writing topics for f to do. What blew me away was how well thought out the list was. It was not just random writing - but clearly topics designed to give f food for thought, and growth. It exuded loving Daddy energy - as he is clearly trying to help guide her.

It is precisely this sort of energy that I hold so dear in my own Daddy. :) So I really was drawn to it. I loved the topics and got myself all shy and worked up but got the nerve to email O and ask if it was ok with both of them if I showed the list of topics to my Owner.

They said yes - yay! ;) Upon showing it to Syr, She asked me to write about how I thought an outline like that one would help me --

The topics list several things I really identify with - such as mindfulness, eye contact, accepting discipline/correction, learning, growing, and trusting.

For me, exploring these topics in depth often is a tremendous tool for growth. Not only do I find them helpful to my dynamic - my service to my Owner, but I find that I often learn things about myself along the way. Writing about topics like those help open me up to new awarenesses about myself whether it be awarenesses about things I want/need to improve upon or awarenesses of where my strengths really are - a confidence booster.

I also know how my Owner responds to my writing when it is on topics that are useful for my personal growth or for improving my ability to trust and serve Her. I know that in a way, even the writing is an act of service that I feel She would enjoy.

My Owner has been employing writing assignments as a tool for our dynamic and my personal growth since we first began talking to one another. It is one of the most natural and profound ways we connect with each other at this level. I don't think anything negative has EVER come about as a result of writing - and so I think it could only be beneficial.

Lost

2009-08-27T20:57:00.001-07:00

I awoke this morning, tossing and turning and near tears from a dream where I was seperated from my Owner & Daddy. She was still right next to me for snuggles but only for a moment as the alarm was going off and we had to get ready to head out to our jobs for the day...

I was feeling unsettled, and sleepy. I had a pretty rough night and was feeling particularly vulnerable and sensitive. After I dropped Her off at the transit station, I just focused on driving until I arrived at work.

When I pulled into my usual parking spot, parked the car, and looked down at where my hand rested on the gear shift so I could put the car in park and grab my commuter coffee mug - I got a serious jolt. My bracelet was missing... rather.. the COLLAR my Owner put on my wrist.

I was almost instantly in tears as I shook my naked wrist, as if I could make the familiar silver weight, and symbol of my slavery and service to my Owner magically reappear! And then I began to panic as I tried to remember when I last saw it, last ran my fingers along it. What if it had been missing for more than a few minutes, a few hours.... what if it had been gone for DAYS and I hadn't noticed. Outside of just wanting to find it, I also was so concerned at having taken the feel of it for granted that I might have not NOTICED. I was devestated as I frantically tried to call Daddy to... tell Her... to ask for the reassurances She is so wonderful at giving. But Her phone wasn't near enough to Her to hear and so it went to voicemail.

I spent the day wistfully touching my wrist and wishing I could rush home and scour the house, so convinced I was by now that I must have lost it sometime in the last week. I was not wholly rational about the subject by this point and had guilt to boot.

She met me at work so we could ride home together and by then She had received at least one of my text messages letting Her know what was going on. I was fretting and She reminded me that the bracelet... collar... is just a symbol of Her Ownership of me and doesn't change the fact that I am owned. I know that... and yet the physical reminder is like an anchor, a touchstone for me to reach for when I need it. And I was having a hard time not being in a panic.

Syr insisted, then, that we go somewhere just the two of us for a quick dinner, rather than go straight home. She wanted to give me time to calm myself a bit.

We pulled into the sushi place we'd decided on and I parked the car. She wrapped Her hand tightly in my hair, pulled my head back and then pulled me against Her shoulder. She growled softly in my ear, "Who owns You, little girl?"

"You do, Syr", I whimpered my reply.

"Do you NEED the bracelet to feel owned?" She demands.

"YES" came my pouty little girl reply.

She let go of my hair, reached over my lap to a spot on the floor near my feet and picked up something sparkly...

My Collar!!!!!!

She hadn't noticed it until just at the moment I'd said yes to Her question and She chuckled and shook Her head as She figured out how it had come loose, fixed it, and put it back on my wrist.

She muttered that She had been trying to make a point, but that even She couldn't deny the irony of finding the bracelet jus that very moment. "I guess You DO need it" She laughed.

I cried with relief. I was so happy it was found.

And... I feel a lot better knowing that I had likely noticed it within minutes of it falling off. *big deep breath*.

But the truth.... no... I don't need to wear a physical collar to know that I am owned - body, mind, heart, and soul by my Wife, my Owner.. my Daddy. But, I find having a physical anchor of my submission to be a little blessing that I am grateful for.

Thank You, Daddy for finding it and understanding why it means so much!

Taken...

2009-08-25T22:19:00.000-07:00

I often find myself replaying recent moments of intensity shared between my Owner and me.

For the past several days it has just been this recent memory:

My Owner hovers over me, Her left arm braced next to my right ear like a pillar of strength and fire, fingers curling into the mattress gathering more and more power as She drives Her cock into me so hard.... so fast. As She pushes me farther near the edge.... I'm begging, pleading for Her permission to cum, begging with all that I have and, not for the first time, I am afraid that my body will betray me, that I will cum unintentionally, unable to hold back before She says the word. I never do. Something in me is always able to hold on just that little bit longer, and She tells me to breathe.... tells me "not yet".

She knows I need, crave, hunger for Her permission. She owns that moment and we both know it. She growls, flames burning behind the darkness of Her eyes and She bares Her teeth, locking eyes with me as She simultaneously growls "Cum" and Her right arm is suddenly beneath my head as the pillar that is Her left arm draws even more energy, fucks me even harder - drives ever deeper and yet even as She unleashes so much force inside of me, Her right arm scoops me up, holds me closer to Her body - tenderly, almost gently.

And that is when I am lost, completely. I am submitting and surrendering to Her all over again with all the intensity that She has shared with me filling me up and overflowing via my tears as I sob.... and sob... against Her shoulder and She wraps me up in Her body and also.... keeps going. Again and again She does this, pulling and pushing and demanding more until, empty of tears, I am exhausted... and near delirious. Taken.

Grounded

2009-08-25T21:30:00.000-07:00

It doesn't take much to find myself securely grounded in my service to my Owner. It isn't always flashy and it isn't always easily spotted from outside - but it is where my intentions lie and it is in the way I look at Her and the way I spend my free time and in the way that I touch Her.

It seems as if we have entered a new paradigm in our life together. There is a sweet simplicity to our dynamic now and yet for all that it seems to lack in 'formality', it is ripe with depth and connection.

Since my last update I still find myself being little more often than not. It isn't always the same depth of littleness. It ebbs and flows and sometimes feels really intense and sometimes is just a soft whisper in the back of my thoughts, but it seems to stick around.

I find that I am more pro-active in doing things around the house, or in making more involved meals, or in taking care of things I know need taking care of because even the little mundane activities of day to day living have started feeling at least a little bit like service.

I don't know entirely what has shifted, what caused it, or even if this is a permanent change. But, I do know that I like it, my Owner likes it..... and ultimately I am revelling in being a very very good girl.

Being little in a vanilla setting...

2009-08-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

I was assigned to write about being little in a vanilla setting.

As I mentioned in my previous post, i've been little pretty consistently for the last several days. That's sort of new for me. Before it seemed I would find this blissful little space and then would need to 'put it aside' (or thought I did?) to function in the regular mundane world, dealing with teenagers and work and other humdrum day to day activities.

But over the last couple of days (two full work days with evenings alone with the teenagers as Syr has been working until 9pm), I have been pretty consistently little. And instead of the roller coaster of being little, then vanilla, then little, then vanilla, it's more like i've just been little all the time, and finding myself functioning from that space and having that be... good... and not at all disabling.

I think that some of the biggest triggers to this have been recognizing, admitting, and starting to work on some previously unnoticed control issues of mine. It started a process of consciously trusting and accepting what my Owner says to me. Seems like a no brainer, and I really do trust Her more than anyone else who has ever been a part of my life. But honestly, i have more trust issues than I realized. I would always surrender, unquestioningly to Her on more formal things, on matters related to our dynamic - but the day to day things I would find myself quietly questioning and wondering if I could 'do it better'. Recognizing this and then working on it has found me realizing how much of our dynamic is my responsibility.

That's something I've sure thought about and talked about it before - but apparently in a more indirect way. I logically know that it's not my Owner's job to fully maintain our dynamic... I have to offer up myself as well. But knowing it logically and implementing it consistently when you have a crap-load of baggage is a little harder.

But this neat thing happened... when I started trusting, listening, accepting what was said to me - and answering questions when asked simply and without defensiveness... I found myself reconnecting with my slave-self, that part of me that knows how to surrender, and finding it - even or even especially in vanilla settings.

I've found myself moving through my evening while my Owner is at work, and everything I do is with a mind to service. I'm amused at myself as it's usually clear how little I am by what and how I'm cooking...

Yesterday I made a pie, from scratch, with blackberries we'd picked over the weekend.

Today for dinner, I'm making a red wine braised beef to serve over herbed polenta, slow cooking, the kind that requires love and attention... the kind that has my whole heart in it.

I can put my whole heart into simpler meals, sure, and I often do. But when I am feeling confident in my slavery, I find myself wanting to do more elaborate things, and doing them with more confidence.

And within this, I find that it's not hard for me to maintain this space despite interruptions, chatting with people, working, etc. Instead it's like... integrating... finding out what it feels like to be able to be in a surrendered state of mind more consistently.

My own work and my Owner's reminders, assignments, tasks, and touches are helping keep me firmly planted here - and I like it.

Free Writing - 5 Minutes

2009-08-18T19:45:00.000-07:00

My Owner assigned me two bits of writing tonight, the first of which is 5 minutes of free writing.... and GO

I have been little for like four or five days straight. Little is sort of the way I describe being in a soft, submissive, compliant, grounded, head space. I don't remember how exactly it started but there are some moments that really stand out.

I was feeling not *quite* little but I wanted that little 'push' over the edge. Sometimes, if I'm not paying attention that's when I'm most likely to succumb to a bit bratty behaviour. I was doing that a bit... and Syr stopped me in my tracks and asked me, point blank - "Does it make you feel good to behave that way?". And I just froze for a moment as my chin dropped. "No..."

My Owner replied, "Then why are you acting that way? What are you trying to get?"

I barely whispered... "a drop..."

"Apologize."

"i'm sorry, Syr."

"Go make my dinner, slave."

~*~*~*~

Yesterday, my task was to come home and write 25 times "I am owned. I am loved."

~*~*~*~

Last night, falling asleep snuggled up with my Owner feeling blissfully and contentedly little.

~*~*~*~

A quote from the Submissive Journal Prompts that went something like - 'A submissive has to be told what to do. A slave has to do what she's told' and knowing that I have been and am sometimes in both categories, but I am at my most fulfilled and happiest with myself when I am my highest self - as slave. That is what we've committed to be to each other: Owner and slave, and it is this that empowers me to work on being my highest self. When I am confident and unafraid enough to surrender completely to trust and love and to obey my Owner consistently, I find that it is a little like an ascension and I am a truer form of me. And being fully in my slave-highest-self also empowers me to be stronger and more confident in the world...

~*~*~*~

And today, still feeling little and owned, all I keep thinking of is how this feels... so sustainable.

I've been working on myself a lot over the last year and I am about to step deeper into that work, and a lot of it revolves around acceptance, peace, learning to trust, and just listening. I can't describe how many ways that translates into my relationship with my Owner and Daddy.