Sunday, February 26, 2012

Sunday morning musings

My Owner and I have been having an interesting week.

A lot of things are starting to come together for us. Among them are a few really exciting opportunities for new hobbies and exciting work things for me that will reduce my daily stress level and leave me more time and energy to pursue my dreams. These things are potentially life altering, life transforming sort of things. I don't want to get into any great detail here but suffice to say that the Universe, as always, is taking care of us.

What's great is the way that working on these various projects and changes is giving me new ways to get outside of the little box (read: my comfort zone) that I am used to hangng out in (and hanging on TO for dear life). I'm experiencing what an exhilerating feeling it can be to venture outside of my usual boundaries and explore what's out there in the big, big world. It's kind of like a really intense roller coaster - both scary and exciting at the same time.

I feel like I am in another big growth spurt. I can envision a variety of possibilities for my future, now - whereas before I was sort of on a very linear and mundane track... trudging along, complacent to live the future I thought was "expected" of me. Expected by whom? I don't know.

Other interesting things from this week...

I got hit by some sudden flashbacky type memories and thoughts and emotions over my ex-Master. He was a significant part of my life for several years and the years were during a pretty formative part of my life. We're Facebook friends (what does that even mean, really?) and I've been noticing that some really wonderful things have been happening in his life. He has what looks to be a very loving and happy marriage with his wife/slave. He has a second slave who he seems to also have a very loving and romantic relationship with who I think now lives in his home. He has a third that I don't think he has officially collared yet and who does not live in his home but appears to be a very significant part of his life.  This sort of poly family embedded with D/s was always something he strived for - a loving family where the members of his household get along well and respect each other. It seems (from the outside anyway) that he has that. He also now owns his own home and it seems pretty nice. It looks like he got everything he always wanted. And I was filled with this huge sensation of happiness for him.

But, at the same time, I was also filled with all these mixed emotions and weird feelings. I would have never been happy in that life. Poly was something that had some wonderful happy times for me, but it was not necessarily a lifestyle I would have chosen. There were things about it I loved - like the sense of family and togetherness and belonging. But, there were things about it that I hated, too - like not being the only slave, the only love.  I knew this about myself on some level even back then - but Poly was something that allowed me to find fulfillment for different parts of myself. I had a primary partner who I was very attached to (in unhealthy ways) but who did not meet all (or even half) of my needs. But I couldn't bring myself to walk away from her. I craved D/s - and my ex-Master met that need in the capacity that He was able. I longed to explore the butch/femme dynamic - and had opportunities to date and explore with people because of the open and honest nature of my relationships. All of these things were lovely in their own way - and without any one of them, I might have felt very out of sorts. So Poly gave me the opportunity to experience these things in an honest way.

But, there was lot of heartbreak as well. I had expectations of my Poly partners that just didn't make sense within the context of polyamorous lifestyles. I wanted to feel unique and special and get my (un)fair share of time and attention from each of them. I found myself locking away my most intimate self from all of them because none of them ever made me feel 100% safe - not because they didn't try - but because I just wasn't going to ever feel safe in a polyamorous lifestyle. It wasn't a good fit for me. I am a monogomous type of girl. And I just wasn't brave enough to say that - and lose these people - each of whom brought something that felt much needed to my life.

So, seeing all this wonderful stuff happening for my ex-Master had me sort of thinking about all that stuff all over again. And with it came this sudden onslaught of guilt... like I had somehow used these people back then to fill my needs without any thought to theirs.

Syr got kinda mad at me about that.... or maybe, more accurately, frustrated. I've grown so much and yet one little line of thought can make me undermine myself and all of that growth. And, as She reminded me...  they were all using me too in the same way. It doesn't make any of those involved bad people and doesn't speak to their worth as human beings- or mine. The reality is that I must have filled some need for them in the same way they filled a need for me if they chose to stay involved with me despite my confusion and 'neediness' at the time.  And, as She also pointed out, they each had their own dysfunctions or unhealthy tendencies too. It's not like anything bad that happens in past relationships is automatically all my fault.

I explained to Her that sometimes, when I look back at the girl I used to be... before (as we like to joke about) Syr installed my backbone... I feel this sense of disdain and frustration and, yes, guilt.  It's that sensation of "if I only knew now what I knew then.." 

And when it comes to my ex-Master, I think - if I only knew now, what I knew then.... I would have probably been His friend, and we probably would have enjoyed some fun S/M scenes together (as friends), and I would have respected Him as a Top and Dominant and called Him Sir and enjoyed being around His energy, but when it came to becoming a member of His household or taking His collar, I would have said no. I would have said no because I do not have the personality to be happy in Poly. I would have said no because ultimately, I am not attracted to men - and my attraction to him had to do with his Dominance and not always him as a person. I would have said no because I deserved to find someone who could be my friend, my Dominant, my Lover, my Partner, and fill all my needs - not just one little part of me. And maybe, if I had known all these things and said no - both of us would have had a little less hurt in our lives.

BUT - as I like to remind myself regularly, without the hurts and the disappointments, and the let-downs, and the heartbreaks - where would the growth come from? I learned a great deal about what I actually want and need in a partner and in a Dominant from what I wasn't getting from my ex-girlfriend, my ex-Master, and former more casual relationships. I learned that I could be a submissive and still be myself - be true to myself - and have that be enough - that I didn't need to remake my personality to be pleasing to my Dominant.

My Owner taught me so much of this by helping me tiptoe carefully through my memories to see what could be learned. She taught me that it's okay to want or need things that your partner can't give you and that sometimes that just means that you're not with the right partner. She taught me about taking ownership of my feelings and behaviours and She taught me how to communicate my needs. She reassured me that communicating in a respectful way and asking for more of things I feel I need or less of things I feel aren't working isn't "topping from the bottom"  - it's helping Her by giving Her the information She needs.

I've come a very long way. I am so much different than who I was back then. And maybe that's hard to reconcile in my head sometimes, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't all part of the same long, beautiful journey. I wish my ex-Master nothing but joy and happiness. And I don't regret a moment of my past (or His) that helped bring us each to finding exactly what we always dreamed of.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Sunday Mornings

My Owner and I have discovered that Sundays tend to be very difficult days for me, mood-wise. It's been a challenge over the last few years to find a way to combat this unhealthy pattern I have of being combative and intense on Sundays. There's a lot of abuse in my past and we think we know why I have dreaded Sundays and seem to be in a bad mood that day of the week - but it still needs to be addressed, no matter the reason for the mood.

For a while, Syr had me doing Sunday Adventures. Sunday Adventures were basically intended to be an activity that I would choose with a $20 budget where Syr and I could go do something fun. The idea was to insert something positive to look forward to about Sundays. It worked!  Well, it worked for a long time. But after a while, as Sunday Adventures became an expectation (as they were intended), a different sort of energy started to surround them.

Instead of looking forward to Sunday Adventures, I began focusing my energy on making sure they happened - no matter what. My energy shifted from feeling grateful for them, to feeling entitled to them.... and that wasn't very healthy. I started to get cranky and intense on Sundays again, but now it was that I would get cranky if I thought anything might interfere with my Sunday Adventure. So, Sunday Adventures had to be scrapped.

But the intensity and moodiness of Sundays still needed to be dealt with. So I did some brainstorming and presented a few ideas to my Owner. What we settled on trying was a Sunday morning 'devotional' time. The intent is that I spend 30 minutes upstairs in the bedroom with my Owner's collar on, writing a post to the blog and thinking about our D/s and my role as Her beloved slave. I got pretty enthused about the idea because it is neither reward nor punishment AND inserts an element of 'ritual' into our week - and I always thrive with rituals. And, I figured... starting off the day with a dose of D/s to get my head into a much more respectful and little place would surely help!

And, now Syr has another tool to use if my mood gets off at any other point in the week. Now She can tell me to go do 15 or 30 minutes or whatever upstairs and I know that what She means is to go upstairs, put on Her collar and THINK about my role as Her slave. She can do this even if we're in the middle of an argument.... and she did it once last week - and it worked. I came upstairs and during the 30 minutes I spent thinking of my role as Her slave, I really did settle down.

So, this is my first Sunday devotional time and it feels really nice. It's quiet time for me, quiet time for Her, and I feel little and contained and cared for. I'd say that's a pretty nice way to start off our Sunday. :)

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Assignment: About saying "Syr"

My Owner gave me an assignment to write about my bashfulness around calling Her Syr.

To explain...
My Owner and I began our relationship in an environment that allowed for complete privacy. We didn't have to worry about prying eyes or little ears. We had few interruptions. This environment enabled us to have some very simple, basic D/s protocols in place all the time.

For example, I almost always referred to Her as "Syr" when addressing Her.

But, as our relationship developed into one with interruptions, a heck of a lot less privacy, and more mundane concerns - I got pretty shy about it. It's not really a struggle from a respect standpoint. It's like a shyness thing, partially bred of having to be so careful so much of the time. Especially for a while when She was concerned about little ears getting the wrong idea.

I think part of what I struggle with, these days is making the shift from a vanilla form of communication (neccessary for a lot of our day due to privacy issues) to a D/s form of communication without a sudden and jarring drop to facilitate it. If my Owner drops me in the usual ways, then it's not so hard at all. But if I'm having trouble making the transition, I get super shy about saying "Syr".

For years before my Owner... I would get a thrill... a big one about of being ordered or made to address a Dominant properly. I suppose that still has its impact and maybe sometimes I stall (out of habit) for that reason. But I do really think that most of the time it is a headspace transition issue. I seem to have the hardest time when I have been in vanilla or little girl space and am suddenly finding that my Owner wants me in submissive space.

There's a lot of factors, for sure, and I think there is definitely some pro-activity lacking on my part. I don't initiate the shift to D/s space. I think that's got its origin in the same place as the part of me that needs to not initiate or be in control when it comes to sexual play. I just need to know someone else is in charge in those moments.

It's something to think about, for sure. And I'll be doing some more thinking about it.